Great chapter, nice characterization of Sydnie, Genevive, and Jessica.Jessica laughed in the back of the classroom. It turned out that Sydnie, Genevieve and she had the same Pokémon Physiology class. The three girls had sat in the back of the class chatting, but when the subject came to Jyharri Genevieve became silent.
OK, when someone talks to another in fics and calls out their name, or lays greater emphasis on their name, a cmma precedes if it isn't the first word or comes after it if it is the first word in the speech.“How have you been, Little Red?”
Here I want to draw your attention to the first two corections. With the way you punctuated it, there's no sense of emotion, no heat to their speech. Despite the adjectives you used, without proper punctuation, it just seems tooo blah.“Squirtle!" Brandon cried out.
Before Squirtle had a chance to hit the ground Miltank rolled back around and hit Squirtle back into the air. As Squirtle fell Miltank was ready to knock him back into the air. Thoughts raced through Brandon’s head about what to do next.
“Squirtle, use Water Gun!” Brandon shouted.
Squirtle looked down towards the ground and fired a jet of water towards the ground. As the Water hit the ground the sand turned to mud. Miltank attempted to hit Squirtle again, but slipped in the mud. As Squirtle landed he dashed towards his opponent, ready for some revenge.
“Now use Brick Break,” Brandon told him.
“What?!” Collin shouted surprised.
Squirtle slid on the mud towards Miltank and when he got close enough jumped in the air. As he came down Squirtle’s hand started to glow. As Miltank looked up the glowing hand was brought down on her face. The Milk Cow Pokémon was knocked face first into the mud. Squirtle jumped backwards and shot a little beam of ice towards Miltank. Miltank’s feet and part of her upper body were frozen solid. She couldn’t move!
“Now hit 'em with Skull Bash!” Brandon said punching the air.
Now, unless I misread the commentary, electabuzz got in a couple of licks before Hitmonlee began its pawnig session. So just how is Hitmonlee looking unhurt?Electabuzz slowly got up, breathing heavily. Hitmonlee looked as if he had just come out of the Pokéball. Electabuzz looked around, trying to figure out what to do.
OK, either Hitmonlee is brain-dead or tremendously stupid. Why give your opponent time to splash water on you and your trainer when you're on a major owning streak? I'm sorry, this felt too out of context considering what precedes it, no matter how funny it is.“Electabuzz, splash him,” Brandon said getting an idea. “Gather water in your arms and run to him!”
Electabuzz nodded his head and dashed into the ocean. Gathering as much water as he could, Electabuzz ran towards Hitmonlee and passed him. Instead of dowsing the Pokémon, he wet the trainer!
“What does this accomplish besides me having to dry my clothes?!” Collin asked angrily.
“I meant Hitmonlee, Electabuzz, but that works too,” said Brandon laughing.
Electabuzz ran back into the ocean and gathered the same amount of water. As he splashed Hitmonlee Electabuzz ran back towards Brandon leaving a little trail of water heading towards the Fighting type.
“This still solves nothing!” yelled Collin.
Hmm... 'em is short for Them. The apostrophe is important. Don't forget it.“You’d be surprised,” Brandon told him. “Hit 'em with Thunder!”
It's a question. Treat it as such.“Y-you think so?” Brandon asked blushing.
Ok, this was lazy writing. Couldn't the bolded parts be shown rather than told? Show scenarios where these things happened. Explain the one in red. This could havemade another six to eight pages easy.It had been a week since Jyharri had arrived to the academy. Over the course of the week the new students were getting used to living without their parents always there. Jyharri had gotten to know Brandon a lot better and vice versa. Bart had barely been around so no one knew too much about him. As the days went on Genevieve became more flustered with Jyharri, but Jyharri was completely oblivious to this, more focused on training his team. As the sun rose just barely over the horizon Jyharri pulled on his usual clothes and ran outside of the dorm. While on the boat to the main island Jyharri noticed a hooded person. The person was clad in all black. Their face wasn’t visible, but by their shape it was obvious it was a girl. She was about a little shorter than Jyharri was; her figure slender and curved when it came to the waist. Jyharri decided to approach the person and figure out who it was.
I thank you for your two-cents and am greatful that you read. Jyharri is supposed to come off as somewhat cocky, as you can probably tell, arrogant, and something of an ***. As for the winning/losing battles, he's only been in three battles, one which was an entrance exam and another which wasn't finished so he could have lost.Jyharri, so far I don't like him.
He hasn't lost once yet. He's only lost to blood loss after beating his enemy. I sort of think he is Gary Stu-ish. He has all these powerful pokemon and everybody has heard of his amazing battles.
I think its nice that Brandon fought that battle and the girl likes him, although it seems everything is moving very fast. With both Brandon and the Plot.
Things could have been more expansive. He is already in the academy and mostly accepted by everyone.
I guess thats all I have to say.