Pokemon advanced Adventure.

[Mew-100]

characters: Luke, Klark
So far: luke's party: ;001;, egg, ;014;

Klarks party: ;004; ;011;

Luke's Mystery egg hatches!

Luke has recieved an egg from Prof.Cherry it is about to hatch!

"Huh my egg is wobling alot" said Luke he was so exited his egg was going to hatch! "Wonder what it will be?" Klark awnserd "Maybe an Elekid or a ralts maybe a phanphy like ash's egg! " Luke sujested " Maybe Unown or horsea maybe a rosilea !"
"Yeah!" (Later on) "It is hatching!" Luke was so amazed!" Cool!" Klark said in alot of exitment! then POP "munch?!" Wow a Munchlax! Luke was ever so exited he got out his Pokedex: "Munchlax, The big eater pokemon known to be the pre evolution of snorlax Munchlax is quite similar, Munchlax will eat almost anything in sight even Garbage!" The pokedex finished. "Wow Munchlax is similar to snrolax" Klark said!

Then Prof.Cherry arived at the pokemon-Centre in Black-burn City He was carrying an importent package for klark! "What is this Professor?" Klark asked looking puzzled "It is an egg for you klark!" Klark was thankfull to Prof.Cherry!
So what do you think Klark's egg will hatch into? Find out in the Next story by: Luke & Klark!

 

[billy5772]

Yeah. The spelling's off. Examples: sujested - suggested, alot - a lot, arived - arrived, and others that seemed to be just careless typos. You should also make a separate paragraph when a new person speaks. So, for instance, this:

"Huh my egg is wobling alot" said Luke he was so exited his egg was going to hatch! "Wonder what it will be?" Klark awnserd "Maybe an Elekid or a ralts maybe a phanphy like ash's egg! " Luke sujested " Maybe Unown or horsea maybe a rosilea !"

Should be:

"Huh! My egg is wobbling a lot!" said Luke. He was so excited that his egg was going to hatch!

"Wonder what it will be," Klark answered.

"Maybe an Elekid or a Ralts or a Phanpy like Ash's egg!" Luke suggested.

"Maybe Unown or Horsea. Maybe a Roselia!"

And other stuff, too. I wonder where this post is hyper-linked to...

 

[Pinecone Tortoise]

Luke's Mystery egg hatches!

Luke has received an egg from Professor Cherry. It is about to hatch!

"Huh, my egg is wobbling a lot," said Luke. He was so excited that his egg was going to hatch!

"Wonder what it will be?" Klark anwered

"Maybe an Elekid or a Ralts - maybe a Phanphy like Ash's egg! " Luke suggested.

"Maybe an Unown or a Horsea... maybe a Roselia!"

(Later on)

"Yeah!"

"It is hatching!"

Luke was so amazed!

"Cool!" Klark said in a lot of excitement! Then POP!

"Munch?!"

Wow, a Munchlax! Luke was ever so excited as he got out his Pokedex.

"Munchlax, the big eater pokemon. Known to be the pre evolution of Snorlax, Munchlax is quite similar. Munchlax will eat almost anything in sight, even garbage!" The pokedex finished.

"Wow, Munchlax is similar to Snorlax," Klark said!

Then Proessor Cherry arrived at the Pokemon Centre in Black-burn City. He was carrying an important package for Klark!

"What is this, Professor?" Klark asked, looking puzzled.

"It is an egg for you, Klark!"

Klark was thankful to Professor Cherry!

And THAT is approximately how your story should look when properly punctuated and spelt. I've put the corrections here to gvive you an idea of how it should look - though you could probably find this format for yourself in almost any novel or five star rated story on this forum.

I'd really recommend you do these corrections yourself in future because spelling, punctuation and grammar aren't just there to being annoying - they're there so the reader can understand what you've written. If you change or ignore these 'rules of writing', then your readers are likely to get confused and become distracted as they read - and that's something to be avoided as much as possible.

Put simply, readers generally don't read stories that are hard to read. If your story has abnormal spelling/grammar/punctuation, it becomes hard to read and the risk of losing readers increases. So if you follow the simple spelling/grammar/punctuation rules, your story has a much higher chance of getting and keeping readers.

Also on a formatting note, please space out speech from the rest of the text. Oh, and mebbe use less '!'s because they give your story a very 'full-on', overly excited feeling. Whilst it certainly captures the hyped atmosphere of two boys getting pokemon eggs, it becomes an unwanted pressure after a while, FORCING the reader to feel as excited as Luke and Klark do. (Which reminds me, PLEASE captitalise your characters' names! Forgetting to do so really detracts from your story and makes it look unprofessional.)

What else - ah, yes. The content. Personally, despite the lack of reasons for WHY Professor Cherry gave them the eggs, I liked the idea. Seeing eggs hatching is an exciting moment for anyone and you really captured the tense, giddy-happy feeling of it. Plus, Munchlax isn't often used in stories (unless, I'm assuming, as May's pokemon), so there's a window for breaking into some unknown territory there. ^^

Eh, as other people who I've reviewed know, I really like to see a lot of pokemon characterisation. You said that Luke and Klark have a Bulbasaur, a Charmander, a Kakuna and a Metapod between them (oh, and please don't use smilies and a 'table-like' layout to write. It's often seen as a form of laziness to take shortcuts instead of actually writing a paragraph or so to convey the same information.) - perhaps you could help to show the relationships between the trainers and their pokemon? And how will the new pokemon react to the hatchlings? If you pull this off smoothly, it could really help to define this story as uniquely and fantastically yours. Meh. This is just my approach - but mebbe you'll find it useful/fun/helpful.

Overall, I'd advise you to have another go at this so you clearly express your ideas in a format that readers around here know and accept. Otherwise, you'll be presenting what might become a stunning story in a way that simply turns its readers off. Put this beginning to good use - and be kind to your readers. It may seem like you're spoon-feeding them cause you're telling them stuff that you already know in what seems to be the longest way possible... but your readers can't know what's going on in your head unless you tell them - and they probably won't enjoy being told unless you take the time and effort to tell them in a fun and easy to read way.

I hope this review helps. And if you want anything else commented on/critiqued or if you want anything in this review explained/expanded upon, let me know!

Best of luck and fun to you!

Piney.
;204;;324;

 

[Mew-100]

the next Story!

Klarks egg hatches!

Luke's Team: ;001; ;munchlax; ;011;

Klark's team: ;004; egg ;014;

So Klarks got an egg and guess what.. ITS HATCHING!

"My egg is acting strange Luke like yours was!" Klark explained to Luke2That means it gonna Hatch!" luke Relplyd. "Cool" "Wonder what!"

WHOS THAT POKEMON???...........

(Adverts....)












IT'S....

FLAREON!;136;


(Later on) "Hey its hatching!" Klark stated jumping with joy...... "Bon?" Cool bonsly! Klark got out his Poke-dex: ;bonsly; Bonsly, the bonsai pokemon the pre-evovled form of sudowoodo, this pokemon often crys alot!"

Wow! Luke said "That is awsome"........ "BONNNNNNNNNNNSSSSLLLLLY" Woah it's hungry! Klark gave it some food.

So Luke & Klark continue their jeorny through the reigon of, Holon.


P.S Sorry about the spellings the check thing wont download so please don't complain about it!

 

[HB5squared]

This doesn't really seem like a fic at all, it's really short. You are basically posting the idea that your story should be based on. It's what I do before I write. I do something like this:

What do I want to happen in this chapter, I know I want his egg to hatch into a bonsly and his to hatch into a munchlax

And then I'd expand and turn it into a story. With description, character development, plot etc... This is just an idea and doesn't belong here.

If you were to read the rules, it says chapters need to be at least one page on MS word and this doesn't look like that at all. please read the advice for aspiring authors sticky and the rules. Then try and attempt an actual story not just the idea.

 

[Dragonfree]

Please read the rules.

Using Pokémon smilies in fics is not allowed, and neither is making chapters this short. They're barely a few sentences. Read the posts that billy5772 and Pinecone Tortoise made and follow their advice. This is a warning; if you do not heed it, I will close this thread.

 

[Dilasc]

Mew-100, you have made a benchmark! You have made it to my personal book of great n00b writers who don't know crap about which way is upside down on a piece of white paper! You have joined the ranks, the worst of the worst. You should probably feel bad about yourself and upset... pat yourself on the back, you, uh, earned it... I guess.

Anyway, I suggest you get out there and read some fics. You tried to post this garbage story months ago, and ya know what? It sucked buttocks then too, and it still does now. Yes, your use of smilies and lack of common sense make you intangibly ignorant, but that's okay, let's get your Intelligence Quotient up to about fourteen.

Now, read stories. It is important to note the things they do, such as paragraphing at the right time, especially when you need to switch to someone else speaking a line of dialogue. Do you think you can make a long, descriptive story? Eh, I doubt you could, but at least TRY, would you?

All that's left to say, is that you should go read some good fics, do so now!