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Pokemon Adventure (Pokeshipping/Contestshipping): The Mirror Islands

Discussion in 'Shipping Fics' started by may&mistylover, Sep 21, 2007.

  1. may&mistylover

    may&mistylover Francesca S.

    Hello everyone! This is going to be after the Sinnoh Saga. This is my first thread so please don't be shy to comment me and criticize me. I'll use your criticism to make my story even better. The ships wont really be in the first chapter. They start more towards the second. This story is PG-13.

    Chapter One

    The moon was bright when Ash finally got home. His dark, wild hair, brown eyes, long tanned body reflected in the shadow. Beside him, his best friend Pikachu
    looked at him with big bright eyes. He was small but very strong. Standing on the porch he pondered. Sinnoh was past now, and Ash was pretty happy for
    making it to the top two. " Next time, we'll work even harder. Next time, we'll win this. He had been beaten by a girl about his age. This girl was the prettiest
    girl he had ever seen, not that he was extremely interested. But just by looking at this girl you would be in awe. Her delicate facial features, fair complexion,
    long, raven black hair and her large light, purple eyes made you want to look at her for eternity. Her voice was as calming as the gentle sea but her battle was the fiercest Ash had ever seen. Her name was Serena. She took him by surprise, defeating him in a very short time, using only two pokemon. Her Ninetales and her Milotic. Both beautiful, strong pokemon; Ash didn't have a chance.Now, Ash and Pikachu entered the house he grew up in. It sure felt good to be home.

    "Mom, I'm home! It's me Ash," he called into the dark house.

    The reply he got was,"Mr. Mime! Mime Mime Mime Mr.!."

    "Who'se there? Mimey, who'se in the house? I'll be down in a minute," Ash heard his mom say.

    A minute later, the dark house was filled with light, and the only thing Ash could see were the big eyes of Mr.Mime.
    "Ahhh! Mime get off of me," he yelled. Mr.Mime smiled his big toothless smile and moved out of the way.

    "Ash! Oh my you're home!," Delia Ketchum cried," I wasn't expecting you for quite a while. Congratulations on being in the top two! I'm so proud of you."

    " Gee mom, it's good to see you too. Tomorrow morning I'm going to see Professor Oak but for now all Pikachu and me really want to do is sleep. I'll see you in
    the morning okay? Goodnight!" he said while giving his mom a big hug.

    That night, before Ash fell asleep, he thought about all the best friends he had made in the years spent travelling. Dawn was travelling to Hoenn with her good
    friend and rival Zoey. Brock went home to visit his family. He was the best cook Ash had ever met, and was working to become the top pokemon breeder.
    Brock loved pokemon very much, but the thing he loved as much as pokemon were of course girls. He instantly fell in love with every girl he would meet. He
    always got rejected by them, usually being pulled away by his Croagunk. He was the oldest of ten children. Then, there was May and Max, the children of the
    gym leader Norman of Petalburg City. Max was a little kid who was super intelligent. He couldn't wait to get his starter pokemon. Now, he probably already had
    it. He looked just like his dad, and wanted to become gym leader at the Petalburg City Gym once his dad retired. May was a very sweet but sensitive girl. She
    was an amazing Pokemon Coordinator, and had gotten second place in the Johto Grand Festival. She was usually arguing with her rival Drew, who usually gave
    her beautiful red roses. Finally, there was Misty, who he hadn't seen in a long time. He sure missed her. Her bright green eyes, fiery red hair were something very unusual. She was the youngest of four sisters. Her older three called themselves the "Sensational Sisters" and the runt. She had to return to Cerulean
    Gym when her sisters went on a trip around the world. She was disappointed to leave Ash but there was no choice. She was sometimes sweet and optimistic,
    but was best known for her temper and bossiness.

    "Tomorrow, I'll call her," he thought to himself. With Pikachu by his side, he quickly fell asleep.

    Bright and early the next day, he went to see Professor Oak.When the wise man saw Ash coming up the path with his Pikachu, his face broke into a smile. He
    had grey hair and was the grandfather of Ash's old rival Gary, who had also wanted to become a pokemon master, but then decided to become a pokemon
    researcher like his grandfather.

    "Hello Ash! Come on in!"

    "Hey Professor Oak! How are all my pokemon?"

    "They're all fine. Congratulations on making top two! You are representing Pallet Town extremely well. You make the whole town proud. Now first of all, show
    me all your new pokemon."

    Ash took out all his pokeballs." Everyone come on out!"

    Soon, Ambipom, Torterra, Starapator, Gastrodon, Ponyta and as usual, Pikachu were staring at the Professor's face.

    "I know that my Ponyta isn't a Sinnoh pokemon but she just kept on following me so I decided to catch her."

    "Your pokemon are all very healthy, I presume because of Brock's pokemon food. Now do you know where you want to travel to next?"

    "Actually, that's what I came here to ask you about. Where should I go?"

    " The place I would chose are the Mirror Islands. They have extremely tough gyms as well as many pokemon contests. I know you will certainly be up for the
    challenge. Am I right?"

    "You sure are Professor. I can always count on you, that's for sure."

    "There are actually no new species of pokemon on the islands. There are all different sorts from Kanto, Johto, Hoenn and Sinnoh. The ferry leaves from
    Cinnabar Island in two weeks. The boat from Pallet Town to Cinnabar Island leaves in one week. I already called your friend Brock and told him about it. He's
    very excited to come with you and will meet you in a few days."

    "Okay Professor. That means I can bring any of my Pokemon right?

    Can I see them?"

    "Sure you can."

    Ash went outside to see his pokemon. When they saw him, they all ran to him with excitement. They soon got out of hand and were all on top of Ash.

    "Pikachu," he managed to saw from under all the bodies," use thunderbolt."

    Pikachu did as he was told and shocked everyone including Ash. The pokemon jumped off Ash and gave Pikachu the evil eye.

    "Hey everyone! I want you to meet all my new pokemon." He released all his Sinnoh pokemon and soon all the pokemon were playing with each other. Now, it
    was time to make a hard decision of which pokemon to pick. After hours of thinking, he decided that he would bring Pikachu, Ponyta, Sceptile, Noctowl,
    Corpish and Donphan. He reassured his other pokemon that he would surely transport them if he needed their help.

    When he got home, he went to call Misty.He dialed her number and waited. One ring, two rings, three rings, four rings, five rings, six rings and still no answer.
    When he was about to hang up the phone, Misty's older sister Daisy picked up.

    "Hello. Aren't you Misty's old friend Ash. How are you?"

    "Hey Daisy, I'm fine. Can I speak to Misty?"

    "Sure I'll call her for you. Misty! The phone is for you. It's someone special!"

    "Don't try playing that trick on my again. I'm not that dumb to fall for it Daisy. Try something new for a change," Misty's voice called.

    "This time I'm not joking come look for yourself."

    "Oops, sorry Daisy.Thanks for picking up."

    Before she left, Daisy said," Ash, you were really great in the Sinnoh League. We were watching you on t.v."

    Two seconds later, Misty's face appeared on the screen.

    "Yup, same old Misty." Ash thought to himself. She still had those green eyes and the red hair.

    "Hey Ash! What a surprise! I really wasn't expecting you to call."

    Ash and Misty talked for two hours. When they finally hung up on each other, Misty knew what she had to do. Her sisters were way more responsible now, and Misty was ready.

    Meanwhile, Ash spent the rest of the week with his pokemon and spending time with his mom. Brock came to his house the night before they had to leave and
    helped pack everything off.

    Very early the next morning, they were waiting at the port for the ferry to come. Suddenly, something caught Ash's eye. He looked more closely and said,"
    Brock, look who'se there. I can't believe it."

    Well that's all for chapter one. Here is a tiny idea what chapter two will be like.
    Quite a few people from Ash's past will be there. That's all I'm saying. Until next time. Bye ;078;
    Also, you may have seen the girl named Celine, then Heidi. I changed it to Serena because it reminds me the girl in gossip girl. #1 show!!! (after pokemon of course)
    Last edited: Sep 26, 2007
  2. DarkPersian479

    DarkPersian479 Well-Known Member

    I had to contact a moderator to move your thread to the section devoted to shipping fics, in case you're wondering why it's moved.

    But, I figured I should offer some advice, since you did ask for it. I am going to be as nice as possible, but at the same time give my honest opinion.

    First, a remark: You need to properly paragraph and space this out. On this forum you have to press enter twice to do this; otherwise it looks all smushed together.

    Now onto specific grammar mistakes.
    The space between the opening quotation and "Next" shouldn't be there. You also forgot the closing quotation mark after "we'll win this."

    Correct spelling is "Ninetales."

    You don't need the space after the opening quotation mark. You DO need a space between "Mr." and "Mime," however.

    Correct spelling is "Who'se". Also need a comma after "Mimey."

    Space between "Mr." and "Mime" needed.

    Need a comma after "my." You don't need the comma between the exclamation mark and the closing quotation, though. Also, i thought the mom's name was spelled "Delia."

    "Pikachu and I" would be proper grammar, but it is Ash speaking, and sometimes we don't use proper grammar when talking :)

    Space between opening quotation and "This." Also, should be "Once the Gym Leader."

    Note in the above quote, I placed commas where you needed them and put them in bold type.

    Space between quotation mark and "oops" not needed. Also need comma after "Ash."

    "Could" is the word you needed here.

    Comma after Bye but before the closing quotation.

    Now that that's over with...

    I must mention a little disclaimer that most of my comments are based on the rules and recommendations of the main fanfic forum and some things might be different over here in shipping, but bear with me...

    First, your chapter is a bit on the short side. Recommended length is 3+ pages in Word so that enough happens in the chapter to keep readers interested.

    Second, it's always a good idea to describe characters, even if you think folks should know what they look like. It helps to visualize the characters and well-written description can even help to explain a character's personality a bit. Besides, this takes place after the Sinnoh league. How do I know that Ash hasn't grown a goatee or full beard during that time?

    Third, the events felt a bit rushed. In the scene where Ash is thinking about his friends, you could have stretched it out a bit, perhaps having him recall a particular memory and incident involving each of them.

    It's a video phone, so Brock should have been able to tell who it was before making a fool out of himself :O

    Overall, it's still early in your fic, so I really can't make a judgment on how good it's going to be. Right now, I'm going to say that you've got the basics handled fairly well, but you could use some improvements on some of the more advanced things like character descriptions and conveying emotions and characteristics.

    If you need any more help, feel free to PM me with your questions.
  3. may&mistylover

    may&mistylover Francesca S.

    kk thanks for all the advice. I didn't have time to finish the chapter and I kind of forgot to mention it so don't worry.
  4. Encyclopika

    Encyclopika The Queen

    I understand that your fic was moved, so I won't close it, but you MUST make that chapter longer. You also need to include the ships that will be present in your story as well as a proper rating.
    I'll give you two days to do it, but after that, I'll need to close it.
  5. may&mistylover

    may&mistylover Francesca S.

    Now, I'm going to write Chapter 2. This chapter is where all the ships start. Note: If you see any names that are Heidi please tell me. I need to switch them to Serena. Thanks and please tell your friends to read my fic.

    Chapter 2

    In the crowd, Ash saw her. He was just so surprised. When she saw them looking at her, she ran up to them.

    "Are you surprised?" she asked while nearly smothering Pikachu with a hug.

    "We sure are Misty. What about Cerulean Gym? Who'se taking care of it? Are you coming with us to the Mirror Islands?" asked Ash, who was so excited to see Misty he just wanted to give her a big kiss.

    "Well actually my sisters are finally responsible enough to handle the gym. I have a friend who is going to be keeping an eye on them just in case. I still don't fully trust them. Last week they were trying to get this kid to buy it from them. And yes, I am coming with you guys. The Mirror Islands have so many new water pokemon!"

    "That's awesome Misty!"

    Suddenly, the boat's horn sounded, meaning that they had twenty minutes to board the boat. Everyone got on the boat, and soon, they were in the middle of the sparkling, blue sea. Ash, Misty and Brock decided to explore the ship.

    "Hey you guys, remember when we were on the St.Anne, and it sank while we were trapped inside. Thank goodness we got out alive. I was really scared you know."Her hand quickly brushed against his. He immediately began to blush.

    While Ash and Misty were caught up in the moment, Brock was busy with all the pretty girls. He was holding his Happiny, who was like a girl magnet. The girls all gushed about how cute she was and all.
    "I feel like I'm in girl paradise."Brock told Happiny.

    At lunch, the group met up at this cute little cafe aboard the ship. They chose the booth closest to the window, so that they could see the ocean. When they finished eating, they decided to go to their room. After twenty minutes of searching for it though, they still couldn't find it.Misty was getting pretty upset, just like her usual self." Ash Ketchum, this is all your fault. We're not even on the Mirror Islands, and you still manage to get us lost. Sometimes, it's like you have a peanut for a brain. I really want to get my bathing suit and go to the pool so you better get me to the room right now before I bite your head off!"

    "Ummm, I think it's this way, through this corridor here. I know it is." Ash replied nervously.

    They went through the corridor he suggested and then began to hear a beautiful melody. The sound was so calm and serene, everyone's stress went away.
    "Wow, it's so beautiful. I could just start dancing right now." Misty said, all her madness disappeared.
    They followed the music, until they came to the end of a corridor. There in the corner, was no other then the mysterious Serena. When he saw her, Brock nearly fainted. Her hair was tied in a loose bun, and she was wearing a simple dress. Her violet eyes were sparkling. She was playing a wooden flute, and some of her pokemon were sitting around her.

    "Oh hello. I remember you. Your name is Ash and you were against me in the final two right? And that must be your friend Brock. But who is this girl? What is your name?" Serena's shy voice asked.

    "Oh my darling Serena, I knew it was faith that brought us together. That is our destiny, to be together." Brock practically sang.

    Misty pulled him by the ear saying," And you better be quiet if you want your ear to be together with your head." Serena's face broke into a smile when she said this, and she giggled.

    "Hey. That girl there, that's Misty. Sorry about Brock though, he's always like that when he's around beautiful girls. Same old Brock and same old Misty. That's
    just like old times."Ash told Serena with a smile.

    "He thinks I'm beautiful? Why, I'm honored." Serena said actually sounding surprised.

    "Well you are beautiful. You're one of the prettiest girls I have ever seen actually." said Ash, not sounding shy at all. She was lovely, but Ash was kind of in love with someone else.

    Misty and Brock came back, and Brock was a bit quieter.

    "Listen Serena. we're looking for Room 234, since Bird Brain over here got us lost. Do you know where it is?" Misty asked.

    "I sure do. I'm standing right in front of it. And actually I was also placed in room 234. I've been waiting here to see who I would be sharing with. Also, I lost my key." her eyes glittered when she spoke, and Misty thought she was even prettier then the Sensational Sisters.

    They went inside the room and were surprised with it's interior. The room was grand, with a large balcony facing the sea. The room was held by white pillars, giving it an ancient look.

    "Can I please get the bed closest to the balcony?" Serena asked politely.

    Without even waiting for an answer, she put her bags on it. Everyone was too busy arguing over who would get to bed farthest from the door. About an hour later, it was decided that Brock would get the bed closest to the window, which was also the closest to Serena's bed. Serena, they noticed was no longer in the room. She disappeared until late at night. The next few days were spent in luxury.

    Finally, the second last night there, there was going to be a party. Everyone was excited for this party, for it was also a Pokemon Beauty Contest as well as A Beauty Pageant for girls. Everyone was allowed to enter a pokemon in the contest. Everyone was in their room getting ready for the party.

    "So which pokemon are you entering Ash?" Misty asked.

    "I'm either entering Pikachu or Ponyta. I'm not sure who to pick. What about you guys?"

    "Well I'm entering my Happiny for sure. She's so cute, there will be no way I'm gunna lose." said Brock sounding confident.

    "I, the water princess, will be entering Azurill. What about you Serena?"

    "Actually, who I'm entering will be a surprise to all. No one has ever seen this pokemon so get ready."

    They all got dressed quickly. Ash wearing his usual clothes while Brock looked sophisticated in a suit. Misty wore a white skirt with a pretty blue camisole. Serena, of course was the prettiest of all. She wore a flowing red dress that reached her knees. Her hair was tied with a red ribbon. They went to the Grand Hall together. Brock took Serena by the arm while Ash and Misty walked behind them.

    "Do you think Serena actually likes Brock. Because that will be a first. None of the pretty girls Brock instantly fell in love with actually loved him back. Love sure is one complicated thing." Misty explained to Ash.

    "I really don't know. I don't think she does though. She's just trying to be polite and kind. She's like that with everyone." Ash said while he gazed into Misty's eyes. Pikachu jumped off his shoulder and ran to catch up with Serena. He sure had taken a liking to her.

    In the Grand Hall, the contest began. One by one, trainers showed off they're Pokemon's beauty. Ash decided to use Ponyta and got a big applause when she
    stood on two legs and walked through her fire spin. Misty and Brock did very well too. Finally, it was down to the last contestant Serena.

    "My friend, I need your assistance."she called out while releasing the pokeball she was holding. Out of it, came a pokemon Ash had never seen before.

    "Leafeon." the pokemon said.

    Ash took out his pokedex like so many of the other trainers."Leafeon, One of the evolved forms of Eevee. Just like a plant, it uses photosynthesis. As a result, it is always enveloped in clear air."Serena and Leafeon did their routine, which was simply lovely.

    Finally, it was time to announce the winners. "In third place, Maria and her Skitty. They are awarded a trip to the spa. IN second place, Brock and his Happiny. They are awarded a Pokenav. In first place, there is a tie. The two entries are... Serena and her Leafeon and Ash with his Ponyta. Please come to the stage for a pokemon battle.

    "Hey Serena, let this be like a rematch for Sinnoh. The winner is the better of the two of us."Ash said, unable to contain his excitement. Ponyta was a fire type and Leafeon is a grass type. He should be able to win this because of that advantage.

    "Alright but don't be too sure of yourself. This Leafeon and I have been the greatest of friends for a long time. Overconfidence can do bad things for you. Look at the situation from all angles Ash. That is the road to success."

    The battle soon began. The two trainers shook hands and the battle began.

    "Ponyta, I choose you!"

    "Leafeon, I need your assistance!"

    "Ponyta, use fire blast! Then, use takle!"

    A sly smile began to appear on Serena's face."Leafeon, please dodge that. Then, use grasswhistle."

    Leafeon quickly dodged the fireblast and tackle with great speed. Then she began to sing. Ponyta quickly fell asleep.

    "Ponyta, wake up. Please! We need to win this!" Ash began to sound desperate.

    "Now, Leafeon, use leaf blade. Then, use magical leaf. Finally, finish it off with last resort!"

    Leafeon did everything she was told with speed and grace. Soon, everone knew who the winner was.

    After the battle, the announcer said," What a simply stunning battle. Leafeon is quite unbeatable. The winner of this contest is Serena and her Leafeon. They will get a very special Master Ball. Ash, the runner-up will get a week's supply of Poffins. That's all for our pokemon beauty contest. Now, it's time for our beauty pageant. Whoever would like to be part of it please come to the stage."

    Ash was still in shock from his lost. Leafeon was extremely strong and he was so surprised. Serena was one of the strongest trainers he had ever met.
    Finally, Brock, Misty and Serena came from behind him.

    "Ash, you tried your hardest and that's all that counts. Don't be sad or upset because then that is how Ponyta is going to feel." Misty said, trying to reassure Ash.

    "That was a tough battle Ash. We should start training again you know." Brock said.

    "Thanks guys. But she's just so strong. I don't think I'll ever be able to beat her."

    "Ash, I saw your face when they announced our battle. You thought you could beat me with a fire type. Advantage has nothing to do with the strength of a pokemon. You were careless out there. You didn't concentrate on speed or anything. Just that slight advantage. If you ever really want to beat me, you have to have a strategy. Let me help you. I understand your problem. Tomorrow, let us train together." Serena said, her eyes flashing.

    "Okay, that would be great Serena. Hey aren't you entering the beauty pageant?"

    "No, I don't think I should. I am not really that type of girl. I like being in the spotlight because of my pokemon. Also, I don't think I would stand a chance against your friend Misty. She is so pretty. I am but a simple mule compared to her."

    "Serena, don't be so hard on yourself. I think you look great. But yeah, Misty is really pretty."

    "Someday, I'll tell her how I feel." he thought to himself.

    The beauty pageant ended late that night, Misty taking second place. When they finally got to their room, they went to sleep without a word. In the middle of the night, Misty woke up and heard a mysterious sound coming from outside. She went on the balcony and found Serena, sitting against the wall with her Ninetales, Milotic and Leafeon around her, singing.

    "Hello. Why are you awake so late?" Misty asked her kindly.

    "Oh it is nothing. But looking at the sea reminds me of my family. They died in a fire, all of them. My mother, father, sister, grandmother and my mother's precious Gardevoir. Looking at the sea reminds me of the little lake that was next to our home. We lived high up in the mountains, it was like no one knew we existed."

    "That horrible. I'm sorry for your loss. Where were you when it happened? How old were you?

    "I was looking for berries to make a pie. It was my sister's tenth birthday, and she was going to get her starter pokemon the next day. I was only eight years old.

    Misty felt so bad that she gave Serena a hug.

    "They were the only family I had. Now, it's just me and my pokemon. I never can go home, because there is no home to go to."

    "Listen, if you want, you can always count on your friends to help you. I never travelled with a girl before. Usually, it was only me, Ash and Brock. You can come with us if you want."

    "Really? That would be great! But I'm not sure if I want to challenge the gyms. There's a decision I have to make. Now, it's time to sleep. Leafeon, use Grasswhistle to help us fall asleep. Goodnight Misty."

    With a beautiful melody in their heads. The girls fell asleep.

    Chapter 3 will be up as soon as some people start commenting.
    Last edited: Sep 26, 2007
  6. DarkPersian479

    DarkPersian479 Well-Known Member

    I aplolgize for being strapped for time, so this review probably isn't as detailed as I would like.

    For grammar, I've made my corrections and pput them in bold type. PM me if you have any specific questions about any of them.
    Solved some spacing problems here.

    You still seem to tend to skip through some key details throughout the chapter.
    Especially considering this is a contest appeal, helping readers to visualize the scene is key:
    Again, I'm strapped for time, so this isn't my best, but just a general idea.

    Again, it would be better if you described what it looked like as Leafeon performed these attacks. Also, you didn't describe Leafeon when it first appeeared.

    Once again, like before, you have a good idea going and the basics for something really interesting, but you need to spend some more time adding in the details. Aagin, though, if you're interested, I can work with you one-on-one this weekend if you want. I do want to see this develop into something really good, and I'm willing to help you out. Just send me a PM :)
  7. may&mistylover

    may&mistylover Francesca S.

    The next day, around noon, the captain announced that they were going to arrive at Cinnabar Island in an hour or so.
    The four friends packed up all their belongings. They did this fairly quickly because they had never really unpacked everything in the first place. Misty and Ash were arguing about where they would go first. Brock was ironing some of his clothes and? Serena, well she was humming a little unknown tune in the corner while brushing her dark, luscious hair. She looked as she was in a daze, stroking the same strands of hair over and over again.

    "But I want to go to the beach! I haven't been to the beach in ages! Let's go there!" Misty yelled at Ash, her face getting redder every time she spoke.

    "No way! We're going to visit Blaine, the Cinnabar Gym Leader. I haven't seen her since getting badges to win at the Indigo Plateau. I want to show her how much better I've gotten!" Ash yelled back.

    "You guys, I have a solution. We'll go to the gym and if Blaine is not busy, we'll ask her to come to the beach with us. How does that sound?" Brock reasoned with them. Brock always knew how to fix every problem they had. Without Brock there, they would probably be tearing each other's hair out by now.

    "Fine, we will Brock," the two replied almost at the same time.

    "How about you Serena? Will you come with us to the beach?"Brock asked her kindly.

    Serena snapped out of her daze and replied," Who me? Um.. Okay, maybe for a short while I guess. But I will need to train my pokemon. I might have to leave you guys for a while."

    About an hour later, the ship finally docked. The group got out of the boat and made their way towards the gym. The town was bright and sunny but it was extremely humid. The group couldn't wait to get to the beach and jump into the fresh water.

    When they arrived at the gym, they weren't surprised to see that not much had changed since they had last been there. They entered the building and went to look for Blaine.

    "Blaine?" Everyone except Serena called in unison. They found someone in the building.

    "Hello, is Blaine, the gym leader here?" asked Misty.

    "Actually, she is not here. She left the gym some time ago, to find new fire pokemon to catch. She is in very tough training and is not coming back for quite a while. Right now, she is getting replaced by her younger sister, Blaire."

    They left the gym and headed off to the beach. They quickly set up their picnic in the shade of a group of beautiful Weeping Willows. Ash and Misty quickly stripped their clothes off and jumped into the ocean. Ash was wearing his usual black swim trunks while Misty wore a brand new bathing suit which she had bought on the ship. It was a lilac in color, with colorful polka dots on it. She was very pretty with her hair all wet, making it an auburn color. Her bright green eyes were even brighter then usual. She got out of the water, and went to her bag.

    "This won't be fun without my pokemon Everyone, come on out!" she said out loud.

    Out of the pokeballs, came Azurill, Gyarados, Politoed, Corsola and Psyduck. All of them were extremely content at the fact of being in the ocean. In less then a minute, they were all playing in the water, Misty among them.

    Out of the corner of his eye, Ash watched Misty play with her pokemon. She was more mature from when Ash first met her, prettier too. He had started having feelings for her right before the time she had to leave. He was very sad when she left, but hid his emotions very well. He swam towards Pikachu and started a water fight. They both were laughing as they fought their little water war.

    While all that was going on in the water, Brock released all of his pokemon as well as Ash's. Serena was sitting with her back propped up against the tree. She was polishing her pokeballs with a worn out cloth, humming the strange tune once again.

    Brock couldn't keep his curiosity. He then asked," Serena, what is the song you are humming? I don't think I ever heard it in my life. It's so beautiful, just like you," He couldn't hold his romantic remark.

    "Oh this? It's the song of the Ho-oh. It is an ancient tune, passed down through many generations in my family. I am the only person who currently knows it. One of my ancestors once had the chance to meet a Ho-oh. The Ho-oh sang this tune. Using his telepathy, the Ho-oh told my ancestor the way of calling upon the Ho-oh. Then, the creature was never to be seen again,"

    "Wow, that's incredible. Do you know the secret? What are the words to the song?"

    "No, my ancestor never told anyone the secret. The words are something like this:
    Come seek us where our voices sound,
    We cannot sing this on the ground,
    Way atop the Secret Tower,
    You will find our might and power.
    Come to us in times of need,
    then we'll help your desperate plead,
    sing with us this song of glory,
    that it is, the sacred story,
    Ho-oh, ho, ho oh,ho-oh
    We will find the chosen one,
    then we will have our fun.

    That's all I know. There are a few parts I don't even know. But that is the way I learned it from my grandmother, who learned it from her grandmother and so on and so forth."

    "Wow that is so mysterious. That would be a chance in a lifetime, to see a Ho-oh. Don't you think?"

    "Yeah, I guess it would be an interesting experience." Serena began to sound nervous, as if something was bothering her. Brock decided to change the subject.

    "So what are your other Pokemon. So far, I only know three. Milotic, Ninetales and Leafeon. What others do you have?"

    "Well if you really want to see them so bad, I guess I can't stop you can I? But I'll only show you two. The other is ... very tired... she umm just recovered from an illness."

    She's definitely hiding something," Brock thought to himself.

    "Okay, can I see them?" he asked, putting a charming smile on his face.

    Serena took out two of her pokeballs, and released her pokemon.

    "Dragonair and Swablu, meet my new friend Brock," she turned to Brock and said," Swablu is still a baby. I just caught her when she was getting abused by this gang of kids who hated pokemon. They sure got the best of my pokemon. They won't even go near a pokemon any more, I am sure of it." She said with a devilish grin.

    "Your pokemon are both very healthy. I actually made a recipe for a special Swablu food. I have some in my pack. Maybe Swablu will like it."
    He proceeded to take the food out of his bag, which Swablu ate happily.

    "Wow, Swablu really likes it. Well, it's time for me to train." She called back her Dragonair to her Pokeballs and walked away to a quiet, deserted part of the beach.

    Brock watched her go, he couldn't take his eyes off her. She was wearing a simple, yellow dress, that tied with a ribbon around the waist. A typical farm girl dress, as people would say. A ribbon was tied around her head, keeping her hair out of her eyes.
    In the water, Ash, Misty and all the pokemon were playing catch with a giant beach ball. They saw Serena walk away with a tiny Swablu perched on her shoulder.

    "Aw, look at that little Swablu. It's such a tiny little thing or what I call Cutie!" squealed Misty

    "Wonder where she's going. She likes being alone alot I've noticed. That girl is so sometimes so strange. I think she's going to train. Jeez, she never takes a break. No wonder she's so strong." commented Ash. He felt a tiny pang of jealousy of her training skills.

    Alone in the corner of the beach, Serena trained her Swablu. Swablu was still not as strong as she hoped he could be, but she always praised him for his perseverance. She was proud of him, but she wanted him to be as strong as her other pokemon.

    "Just train harder and more often. Swablu will become much stronger. After all he is just a baby."She told herself.
    After a few hours of hard training with her pokemon, Serena decided that they all needed a well deserved rest.

    When Serena returned to where here friends were, it was almost time for the sunset. The group of friends sat together on the blanket Brock had set out. Serena walked along the waters edge. She liked how the water felt on the soles of her feet. Brock was preparing their dinner while Ash and Misty sat together with Pikachu on a large flat rock looking at the sun set. All three were smiling happily at each other. When Pikachu dosed off, Misty felt Ash's hand slip into hers. She was very surprised but hid it fairly well. She let it stay there pretending it wasn't there at all, but she could feel her face getting a darker shade of crimson as each minute passed.

    "Dinnertime!"Brock called to them.

    Ash was gone in a flash and by the time Misty got to the table, Ash was already on his second plate.

    "Typical Ash,"she thought to herself and giggled.

    oops I have to stop for now. Sorry
    Last edited: Sep 27, 2007
  8. DarkPersian479

    DarkPersian479 Well-Known Member

    Blaine is an old man and not a female.

    Some things are improved, like slowing down to elaborate on Brock's and Serena's conversation. Some descriptions are also improved, but you're also skipping over others, like the descriptions of Misty's Pokemon (though admittedly, that's a LOT of Pokemon to describe in one go.)

    Again, though, contact me through PM and/or Yahoo Messenger before you post your next chapter so I can help you out before you post it here.
  9. may&mistylover

    may&mistylover Francesca S.

    Chapter Four

    "Why did you wake me up so early? A pretty girl like me needs her beauty sleep! What is it seven o'clock? Ash Ketchum you'll pay for this rude awakening!" Misty yelled after she had gotten a rude awakening from Ash.

    "I feel like I already am getting my punishment. Do you have a bucket lr something?" Ash asked.

    "No why?"

    "I think I'm gunna puke. Your breath stinks! Anyways, Serena is just as pretty as you, even prettier and she was awake before any of us. Even Brock, who usually wakes up first."

    "Oh really?" She grabbed Ash by the collar, and took a long deep breath on his face. She laughed an evil laugh, and pranced away to get ready.

    She washed up and decided to wear the new outfit she had bought on the ship. She wore her new white shorts and her pretty turquoise camisole. The neckline was encrusted with beads, making it very pretty, bringing out the color of her eyes.
    "An outfit well put together, by Misty Waterflower"She praised herself.
    While she prepared herself, Brock was sitting under a tree unhappily, with Serena beside him, talking to herself. She did that a lot, since she usually was alone. She was staring out at the sea, when she suddenyl turned to Brock.

    "Brock, dear what is wrong? Something is on your mind for sure, please tell me what is bothering you."She asked him kindly.

    "Well, you see it's a dream I had that is really bothering me. I was an old man, all alone. Does that mean I will never get married. Will I be alone forever? I probably won't even kiss a girl."

    "Don't worry Brock, your time will come. When your older, you'll be a major hit with the girls. Everyone loves a man that cooks and cleans, to perfection! And if you never get married or kissed when you're older, I promise I will kiss you and maybe even marry you okay?" She was trying to make him feel better.

    Brock smiled happily at the thought of him and the beautiful Serena married." Really? You promise?"

    "With all my heart."With a twinkle of her eye, Brock was happy as heaven.

    "Everyone are you ready? It's time to leave. The ship leaves in two hours, and the port is pretty far from here so let's run!" He called out, resuming the position of the father figure of the group.

    Serena got up and braided her long hair into two braids, which she had been brushing for quite a while. Today, she wore another one of her farmer girl dress's, this one a pretty pink. Her beauty was just so real, not like girls who go through great lengths to make themselves pretty. Serena was happy how she was.

    They ran to the port, and arrived an hour before boarding. Brock mixed up the schedule, making them leave a whole hour earlier.

    "Well what do we do now? A whole hour of beauty sleep wasted because of you Brock. If I have bags under my eyes, I'll kill you,"Misty complained.

    The whole argument ended when a loud, long grumble came from Ash's stomach. He laughed nervously and said,"Anyone up for breakfast?"

    They went to a little resteraunt on the port, and all ate delicious meals. When they were about to leave, they heard a squeal coming from behind.
    When they had turned around, they were facing two very familiar people.

    "Oh my, it's you guys! Finally, I see you!" the girl exclaimed. She wore a red shirt, black shorts, and a red bandana on her head. The younger boy wore a green shirt and brown shorts. He had large glasses on his face, which made him look very intelligent, These two people, were May and Max. May and Misty were hugging each other, while Ash and Brock were giving Max a high five.

    "Where are you guys going?" Mirror Islands League, and be the greatest champion in the world!" Ash said excitedly.

    The whole troup walked towards the pier, where the boat was waiting for them to board. In all the excitement, no one had bothered mention about Serena, who followed behind them silently, while everyone else chatted about their recent adventures.

    Finally, someone noticed Serena. It was Max, who watched everything on t.v.

    "Oh my god, are you Serena? The winner of the Sinnoh League?"he said, getting extremely excited.

    "Yes, that is me. Why do you want to know so badly?"She said with a smile on her pretty face.

    "Wow! I never thought I'd actually meet you, even talk to you, breath the air your breathing, touch your hand!"he said while touching her hand,"You're one of my greatest idols, after Professor Oak. Your pokemon are so strong and inspiring, I'd love to actually meet them!"

    Serena liked this boy's enthusiasm. She could tell he was extremely smart, and that he was a starter pokemon trainer. On his waist, there was one shiny pokeball.

    "Sure you can! But after we board the ship okay um.. what is your name?"

    "Oh it's Max."he said blushing. How could he have forgotten to introduce himself?

    She smiled at him, as a forgiveness but it was no big deal. She realized he wasn't the kind of boy that would gape at her beauty. He was more interested in her pokemon but after all, he was just a little kid. She grabbed his hand and walked with him to the boat. She introduced herself to May, who was also pretty happy to be travelling with a strong trainer. They soon became good friends, because, who couldn't become friends with such a sweet girl.

    They went in the ship which was even more luxurious then the ship that brought them to Cinnabar Island. Here, they had to split up into groups of two for the rooms. Ash chose to go with Brock while a decision had to be made with the other four. May really wanted to share a room with Misty, so they could talk about clothes and gossip all night, but she was stuck with Max.

    Serena saw her deception and said happily," That's alright May, I know you want to share a room with Misty, so it won't really bother me to share a room with Max."

    Max was so surprised that he dropped his backpack. It would be an honor to share a room with a champion. They would talk about pokemon all night. He really wanted to impress her because he admired her so much. Now, all he needed was his sister's consent.

    "Are you sure?"May asked dumbfounded. How could someone want to share a room with the annoying Big Brain?

    "I'd be more the happy to." Then, she flashed Max a secret smile, one just for him. He had never been so happy in his life. The groups split up and went to unpack their things. They were meant to be on this boat for quite a long time.

    Brock was busy unpacking for himself and for Ash, since Ash would probably make a mess with his belongings. While Brock was working, Ash and Pikachu were watching a t.v show on the high tech plasma screen t.v that was placed in front of the two beds. The room was very large, having two queen beds and a pretty view of the water outside. Right now, they were watching a show about a lost pokemon. They both had tears in their eyes when the pokemon was dying in the cold.

    In the other room, Misty and May were both fighting over who would get the bed closest to the window while folding their clothes into the drawers. They decided that they would split it. Half the trip Misty would have it, the other half belonged to May. Misty would have the bed closest to the window first, since she loved water so much. While they relaxed after unpacking, Misty asked May,"So how are things with that boy Drew? I know you have a crush on him, it's so obvious on t.v!"

    "Well, it's not as obvious as the fling going on between you and Ash! I admit I like Drew, he's a really inspiring coordinator but he's not as great as that Serena. I can't wait to get to know her. She was amazing in the Sinnoh League!"

    "Fine, I do have a crush on Ash. I think he might like me too, but so far, nothing is going on okay? Everything said in here will not be said in the boys' room across the hall, or two doors away, with the smart ones. Got it?"

    "Agreed. Now, let's see what's on t.v." They started watching a movie about two pokemon in love, which made them cry buckets. It was so romanctic!

    Finally, in the other room, Max and Serena unpacked. Max was extremely nervous to be alone with her. She was like a queen, so majestic and powerful. He kept stumbling and bit his lip nervously.

    Serena noticed this, and playing with his head said,"You know, I don't really like people who act all nervous around people they think are their idols. That does bother me! Max please don't be shy. Talk to me!"

    "Oh please, forgive my shyness! I won't be nervous anymore, I promise! Please like me! I think you have so much talent!"

    Serena laughed at his plea, she was only joking around with him. Max realized she wasn't serious, he sighed with relief.

    "Are you a pokemon trainer Max?"

    "Yes I am, I just got my starter pokemon a few months ago. I hope to one day become as strong as you are."

    "That's nice to hear. A young trainer aspiring to become like me. But I am not a celebrity or anything. I hate being in the spotlight alone, unless I'm with my pokemon. They're all that really matter to me. Which pokemon do you have?"

    Max took out his one and only pokeball, and released his pokemon. Out of it, came a Ralts.

    "I met this Ralts when I was travelling with Ash. I was too young to have pokemon, so I promised her I would come back for her, which I did. I told Professor Birch I wanted this pokemon instead of the regular three, and he eventually gave in to me."

    "Your pokemon is very healthy. That means you are taking excellent care of her. Would you like me to help you improve on your training? Since we are to be travelling partners, I am taking you as my student. How would you like that?" She knew this idea would please him so, she knew that he would become an outstanding trainer. He was very sweet, she liked him a lot.

    "I can pretend he's my brother,"she tought to herself.

    "Yes, yes ,yes- YES! It would be an honor to be your student Miss."

    "Please Max, I'm your friend, call me Serena!"

    "Okay Serena. Can I see your pokemon right now? Pretty Please?"

    "Sure, but I don't think I'll show you all of them right now. The room will get a little cramped don't you think? Some of my pokemon are pretty big, so I'll only show you a few for now okay?"

    Max nodded, and Serena took out two of her pokeballs.

    "Friends, come on out! There is a new friend I want you to meet."
    Leafeon and Swablu came out of the pokeballs and greeted their trainer.



    Max had never seen a Leafeon, and didn't remember Swablu. He took out his pokedex and examined both.

    "Your pokemon are in perfect physical health! They are very happy, and by the way they gaze at you, they love you very much. Can I see some of your other pokemon? This room is pretty big, I think a few more will fit!"

    Serena smiled at him, he was such a curious little thing. She took out three more pokeballs, and released them all. Out of the pokeballs came Milotic, Ninetales and Dragonair.

    Max examined them from head to toe, and declared,"Serena, you should be awarded an amazing pokemon trainer award. You care so much about them! The unspoken bond yoyu share with them is unbreakable."

    "Why, thank you Max. Those kind words from a person like you really mean something, you know?"

    "They sure do. Anyways Serena, why are you going to the Mirror Islands? Are you challenging the League? I sure am!"

    "Actually, I don't know. Maybe, being a Pokemon Master is not the right path for me. I will probably make my decision when we get there. For now, all I want to do is relax and prepare you for your first gym battle. How does that sound?"

    "Great! Let's go train right now. They have training fields on deck. God, this boat is huge!"

    They went to an open training field and began their intense training. Serena trained with her baby Swablu and Max, with his only pokemon, you know who that is.

    "Max, I'll start okay?"She was not upset by giving herself the disadvatage, but was going to play easy on him at the begining,"Swablu, use Mist!"

    "Ha, you think your going to play easy on me right? I could probably beat you if you play your hardest! Ralts, use Magical Leaf!"

    "Swablu, dodge, then use Perish Song!" Swablu began singing a sad melody.

    "Huh? What's that going to do? Ralts, use Confusion. Aim it all around Swablu!" Ralts hit his mark, and got a direct hit. Swablu took the blow, but was fine a few minutes after.

    "Swablu, use Solar Beam!" Swablu began absorbing energy into it's beak.

    "Ralts use Double Team! Turn around Swablu in circles!"

    "Swablu, aim it going round in circles. Ready? Now!" Swablu hit every Ralts that were surrounding her. The real Ralts fell to the ground.

    "No Ralts!" Max ran to his Ralts and cradled her into his arms.

    "This match is over alright? Ralts is too tired to battle. A long rest will heal him to normal health.'

    "Okay," Max held out his pokeball,"Ralts, return."

    "Now, we have to talk about your strategy. Then, we'll battle using my pokemon."

    The duo trained extremely hard for nearly three hours. Max managed to beat Serena once, using her Milotic against her Ninetales. When they got back to the room, they were hot and sweaty.

    "You know, the perfect way to make us relax would be going to the pool. Why don't we ask the others to join us?" Serena asked Max, as they lounged on the couch in their room.

    Max agreed, and quickly went to inform the others about their offer. Brock, Ash and Pikachu agreed, they were tired of watching t.v. May and Misty rejected, because they were giving each other facials and manicures. So, it was only going to be Brock, Ash, Serena and Max. Oops, sorry, don't forget Pikachu. They met up ten minutes later in front of the pool. Ash and Max tore off their clothes and jumped in while the others took their time. Pikachu fell asleep on his beach chair, while Brock waited for Serena. She was wearing a short dress, that was strapless. She slowly took it off to reveal a one piece black bathing suit, with a star in the middle. She was incredibly beautiful, and soon all eyes were on her. The boys stared at her, with their mouths open. Girls looked at her jealously but she paid them no heed while she dived into the pool. Brock was head over heels in love with her, but knew she would never be his girlfriend. She was not really interested in boys, but being one of her best friends was good enough for him. He jumped in the pool behind her. Soon, the whole group was having a water fight. They split into two teams: Max and Brock vs. Ash and Serena. They kept the war going for hours, until it was almost time for supper. They all went to their rooms to take showers, and get ready for the feast.

    Brock waited as Ash took his shower. He prepared all of Ash's clothes for him, and fed his pokemon.
    "Ash are you almost done? There's only about 45 minutes until supper begins, and I still need to shower you know?"

    Ash emerged from the bathroom, a towel wrapped around his waist as well as one in his hair."I'm going as fast as I can okay?" His stomach growled loudly, and he waited for supper to come, counting every second.

    Misty and May finished their manicures and pedicures, and finally removed their facial masks. Misty removed hers first, to show soft, flawless skin. May, on the other hand, had a disaster. She had accidently mixed ingredients, and her face was now a violent shade of red. When she saw her face in the mirror, she broke down into sobs.

    " Misty! What do I do!!! I can't go to the feast like this! I'm a tomato!"She yelled while crying into Misty's shoulder.

    "It's okay May, just wear large sunglasses or I'll try to conceal it with makeup."

    For an hour, Misty set to work, covering the color as well as she could. In the end, May's face was a light pink, making her look quite pretty and mysterious. Now, it was time for clothes.

    Misty decided she would wear a pretty gold strapless shirt over a pretty, white flowing gypsy skirt that reached her knees. She let her hair loose, clipped with a pretty butterfly barrette.

    May decided on the new tight red camisole that had a pretty heart on the bottom side, over a white skirt. Her skirt was quite shorter then Misty's, but they both agreed, they were a beautiful match together. May tied her hair into a pretty loose bun, with a few strands of hair coming onto her face.

    Max waited for Serena to get ready. She had come out of the shower while he was feeding her Leafeon, and had dried her hair rather quickly. She chose her clothes and locked herself in the bathroom. When she came out, she looked like an elven queen. She wore a silver dress, with medieval styled sleeves and a skirt that reached just below her knees. Her hair was pulled back with a ribbon, and those were the final touches. No makeup, and the only thing of jewlery was an old locket she wore around her neck.

    When they arrived in the grand hall, they were so surprised with what they saw. It was all incrediblr, and they had been placed at tables, their places being kept by place cards. When May went to her designated seat, between Brock and Serena, she found a rose on her empty plate. She looked around, noticing hers was the only one in the room. She turned around to look once more and gasped.

    That's all for chapter four okay? It's really ,longgg
  10. DarkPersian479

    DarkPersian479 Well-Known Member

    oh, man, I am SO sorry for the late review! I usually don't visit the Shipping section, so i didn't even know you updated because yu never sent me a PM!

    Okay, onto the review. First up is grammar with corrections made in bold.

    Note: Removed a comma between "people" and "were."

    Note: Removed comma between "it" and "came"

    Under most circumstances, write out numbers less than 100.

    Once again, I wished you had sent me a PM before putting this up, as there are quite a few grammar errors as you can see.

    The settings were described decently, but you didn't go into describing the Pokemon. I know in the main fanfiction forum, we urge writers to describe Pokemon, even though this is a Pokemon forum. In general, it helps readers to better visualize what is going on.

    Also, the battle descriptions could have used some improvement. Rather than quote a big chunk of a battle from my own fic, I'll recommend that you look at some fics in the main fanfiction forum for examples. If you would like specific examples of good fics to read for battle description, PM me and I should be able to give you a few.

    I have to say that character interaction is a strong point, and seeing everyone lead their lives aboard the ship was an interesting look into their personalities. That's what you've done well so far, and when you're able to take care of the other little things, this has the potential to become something really good.

    And I'm willing to help you improve and correct those small problems. Just PM me!
  11. charlotte881

    charlotte881 *Squeals*

    I really like your story its really good! Serena sounds like a very cool girl, just try to correct your typos!;munchlax;

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