Pokemon Adventures: My first 2 episodes

[Cipher_Admin]

Poke'mon Adventures
Episode 1: First Acqaintances By: Chris Amos

One day a trainer in a region called Kewlio named Chris with his Gengar were on a journey to be champions. Chris said, "Oh S***! I forgot something!" So he ran back to get some of his stuff from his room in Chipper Town at his house. The things he forgot were his Poke'balls to catch his first Poke'mon. While going through the woods to reach the next town, he spotted a lonely girl. Chris asked, "What's your name?" She replied, "My name is Anna, Anna Paquin." I said, "It's nice to meet you, Anna." There were 2 Wild Poke'mon blocking the way and they had to battle them. I yelled, "Go Gengar!" Anna yelled, "Go Ponyta!" I said, "My God, that is an awesome Poke'mon you have there!" The Poke'mon were an Oddish and a Cleffa. I battled the Oddish and Anna battled the Cleffa. I yelled, "Gengar, use Lick!" and the Oddish was Paralyzed and caught with a single Poke'ball. Anna defeated the Cleffa and said, "That's the Poke'mon who I don't ever want to mess with again."

Chris said, "I think I should do is train this Oddish to become a Vileplume someday." They went on further reaching Phoenix Village. While they were stopping, they met a boy named Davis. they said, "Hi, what's your name?" He replied to them,"My name is Davis and why did you ask that d*** Question?" Chris replied, "Because we want to know who you are, OK?" Then all of them heard something move. When they looked, there were 2 shady characters that had a huge R on their clothes. Chris asked, "Who are you guys?" The boy said, "My name is Charlie." The girl said, "My name is Sandra and we are Team Rocket!" Charlie yelled, "Go Shedinja!" Sandra yelled, Go Buoysel!" I said, :"If it's a double battle, I will give you one. Chris yelled, "Go Gengar and Oddish! Gengar! Use Lick on Shedinja! Oddish, use Razor Leaf on Buoysel!" The two Rockets yelled, "Screw you twerps!" Then they ran off somewhere. Finally, our heroes reached to the Phoenix Village Poke'mon Center and they all ate Cheeseburgers and French Fries. After that, they went off to sleep for our next adventure and Chris' first Gym Badge he ever had.



To be Continued.....



Poke'mon Adventures
Episode 2: A Hit-and-Run Phase

Today, our heroes head off to Millennium City to face the first Gym Leader. They still continued the road that they started from. Chris said, "This is a bit odd, We have traveled here yesterday." They stumbled upon a Meowth and a Skitty and Davis said, "Oh good lord! Just what are they up to now?!" Anna looked at the map pointing that they are at least three miles away from Millennium City. Chris said, "I hear the Gym Leader's name is Sanjay, he uses Poison-type Poke'mon." At last they reached Millennium City. So they rested at the Poke'mon Center before Chris' gym battle. They visited Sanjay, the gym leader of Millennium City. He said, "Hello, Who are you three?" Chris said, "Hi, I am Chris." Anna said, "Hi, I am Anna" Finally Davis said, "Hi, I am Davis." Sanjay said, "It is nice to meet you three and it is a little late, so do you guys want to watch Family Guy with me?" Chris' body was shaking because he was a big fan of the show. They went in Sanjay's house and watched Family Guy for one hour. After that, they ate for dinner was Macaroni and Cheese. Chris was drinking lots of Coca-Cola because he was high on drinking it. At night, Charlie and Sandra were looking at them while they were asleep.

The next day, Chris will battle Sanjay for the Toxin Badge. After our heroes ate breakfast, they went to the gym to watch Chris' gym battle in process. Sanjay yelled, "Go Seviper!" Chris yelled, "Go Gengar!" The battle has started. Sanjay commanded, "Seviper, Use Taunt!" Now Chris' Gengar can only use attacking moves. Chris commanded, "Gengar, Use Psychic!" Sanjay's Seviper fainted in one blow. Sanjay yelled, "Go Grimer!" Chris yelled, "Gengar! Use Psychic!!" Sanjay's Grimer was knocked out and unable to battle and the winner was Chris! Sanjay gave Chris the Toxin Badge and TM36 (Sludge Bomb). Sanjay said, "Great job Chris, you seem to be a natural at this, oh and I forgot to tell you something." Chris asked, "What is it?" Sanjay replied, "All TM's can break after one use." Charlie and Sandra popped out from nowhere. They wanted a rematch. Charlie and Sandra yelled, "Go Bonsly and Croconaw!" Chris and Davis yelled, "Go Oddish and Marill!" Chris yelled, "Oddish, use Razor Leaf on Croconaw with all your might! Sandra's Croconaw fainted after that mighty blow. Davis yelled, "Marill, use Surf on Bonsly!" Charlie's Bonsly fainted after that massive attack. Charlie and Sandra said, "Screw you Twerps!" Now our heroes are heading to Plague Town.

To be Continued.......

 

[Omega Pirate]

I couldn't even read the first paragraph it was so bad. You have no idea how to use proper grammar or punctuation, everything happens in split second, there's no description of anything, whatsoever. You change the main character from Chris to 'I' in just the first few sentences. And you constantly change from present to past tense, I have no idea what's going on.

And 1 chapter should be atleast 3 MC Word pages long, not two incomrehendable paragraphs.

 

[Yami Ryu]

.... one word can sum this up: Pathetic.

:/ go read Advice for Aspiring Authors and Fanfiction Rules before attempting to make another bad chapter. But if you still don't understand what's wrong, you have little description, little plot/fic depth. Your characters are bland, your two entirely too short 'chapters' are posted in one post and way too short anyways, for what you're going for. And well. It's just pathetic .-.

GO READ THE THREADS I SUGGESTED.

:/

 

[Cipher_Admin]

.... one word can sum this up: Pathetic.

:/ go read Advice for Aspiring Authors and Fanfiction Rules before attempting to make another bad chapter. But if you still don't understand what's wrong, you have little description, little plot/fic depth. Your characters are bland, your two entirely too short 'chapters' are posted in one post and way too short anyways, for what you're going for. And well. It's just pathetic .-.

GO READ THE THREADS I SUGGESTED.

:/

I am just doing the best I could because I am a hasty Person.

 

[Clockworkz]

If you want people to take you seriously... do not be hasty. Let's try taking some time next time, hmm? Click the banner in my sig. See that? That's how people write when they're being serious. Get a better grip on the English language and try again.

 

[TheTurquoiseTauros!]

Wow......Its not the best in the world but I guess it IS a start. You shouldnt be calling his work pathetic YAMI RYU!!

 

[Astinus]

Why shouldn't Yami Ryu tell the truth? She might do it harshly, but she gets people to listen. And sure, others flame her back, but like it says in her sig, she's a critic. Get used to it. That's the way she is, and why I respect her.

Now, as for the story.... All I can say is that the rules of grammar were ignored again. You make a new paragraph everytime someone new speaks.

It is rather bland from what I could pick out from the four paragraphs. Four paragraphs do not make two chapters.

Yeah, stickies are there for a reason. They are important and should be read and understood.

 

[FireTrainer92]

I don't want to be mean but this is pretty boring. It' doesn't have much of a beginning. Read more fics like orange archipeligo or Pokemon Breeder's Veiw

 

[Banov]

...Yeah, what everyone else said. Don't feel like you're a naturally bad writer though... when we all put up our first fanfics, we all were probably slaughtered in more or less the same fashion. (At least I was.) But, if you pay attention to what in specific needs work, and you try to improve by listening to those comments... you'll be taking the first steps to become a much better writer. Don't expect to just jump into this business and get instant popularity.

 

[Shadowcat]

Getting back into the reviewing business. This fic needs more improvement.

One day a trainer in a region called Kewlio named Chris with his Gengar were on a journey to be champions.

I corrected it. You do not use:

One fine day, etc.....


You use this instead:

One fine day, etc....

Also, please describe what kind of region it is. Why are they on a journey to become champions?

Also, describe Chris. I can picture him to be ANYTHING. How does Gengar look like? Does he look like a blob? Describe. This is your weak point.

Chris said, "Oh S***! I forgot something!" So he ran back to get some of his stuff from his room in Chipper Town at his house.

Please, do it like this:

"Oh Sh*t! I forgot something!" The male shouted when he realized he left something at home after rummaging through his bag. Chipper Town was a quiet, small town in the corner of Kewlio. Most people there had their houses made of wood and it was a town which respected Pokemon greatly.

It sounds much better and much more in sync.

The things he forgot were his Poke'balls to catch his first Poke'mon.

It's Pokeballs, not Poke'balls.

While going through the woods to reach the next town, he spotted a lonely girl.

Again, please describe the girl. It should be something like this:

Entering the quiet woods in the outskirts of town, the boy spotted a lonely girl leaning against one of the huge trees. The brunette wore a black colored blouse accompanied with a white skirt that covered all the way till her knees. The black-haired female wore fine, leather, black gloves and a pair of white colored sneakers.


Something similiar to that. It would've been way better if you did something like that.

Chris asked, "What's your name?" She replied, "My name is Anna, Anna Paquin." I said, "It's nice to meet you, Anna."

This part was done rather badly. Please remember to leave a line after someone speaks. It should've been...


"Hi, what's your name?" The blonde asked the teenager as he approached her.

"I'm Anna, Anna Paquin," muttered the trainer in response, and silence overtook the two of them.

"It's nice to meet you Anna, my name's Chris," replied the boy, extending his hand, hoping that they could be friends.



It would've looked neater if you did that. It also would've looked a little more impressive.

There were 2 Wild Poke'mon blocking the way and they had to battle them.

You don't use numbers. You spell the numbers out.

It should've been...

Two mysterious wild Pokemon leaped out of the trees, surprising both Anna and Chris. Both Pokemon got ready to attack both trainers and the duo stumbled back against a tree.

I yelled, "Go Gengar!" Anna yelled, "Go Ponyta!" I said, "My God, that is an awesome Poke'mon you have there!" The Poke'mon were an Oddish and a Cleffa. I battled the Oddish and Anna battled the Cleffa. I yelled, "Gengar, use Lick!" and the Oddish was Paralyzed and caught with a single Poke'ball. Anna defeated the Cleffa and said, "That's the Poke'mon who I don't ever want to mess with again."

. I'm not bothering to rewrite this. You have to describe the Pokemon. Also, please leave a line for speech.

I can't re-write everything. Anyways, it can be improved. You have to describe more and such.

Anyways, please read the rules of the Fan Fiction forum AND read the Advice for Authors thread.