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Pokemon Adventures Mystery Pilot - Frozen Days

Discussion in 'Fan Fiction' started by shoz999, Aug 21, 2019.

  1. shoz999

    shoz999 Thorton hears a battle

    I had a desire to write my own fan "reboot" of the original Pokemon Adventures arc and I feel the best reboots are ones that are refreshingly new but also are able to capture the spirit of the original. So anyways, this is a pilot and although it's complete now, I'm still looking for constructive criticism to check just how rusty my storytelling skills have gotten lol over the months. No, seriously. Haven't written anything in a long time so please leave any constructive criticism if you can. You can even tell me if it sucks but tell me why it sucks constructively. So anyways, this pilot is the first chapter of something I had planned and it kicks off with a mystery that doesn't kick off Red's journey, more like... resets it. It's only one chapter but please tell me what you think of it!

    Title: Pokemon Adventures - Untitled Mystery Pilot - Frozen Days
    Pilot: Frozen Days
    Rating: E10+
    Synopsis: Red is about to challenge the Cinnabary Gym, the 7th Gym of Kanto.

    “Were here Pika & Poli!” A voice called.

    Red and his Pokemon could feel the sun’s warmth against their skin and the the scent of the ocean nearby. Red’s yellow mouse friend and muscle-bound frog friend looked pumped and ready. The young boy stood before Cinnabar Island's Gym.

    “Hey Red!” A cheerful girlish voice from behind.

    Red was startled by the voice from behind. He quickly turned around, seeing two familiar faces.

    The boy with brown spiky hair next to the girl spoke, “Are you challenging the Cinnabar Gym?”

    Red recognized Green in an instant. How could he not? He hasn’t changed much since they left from Pallet Town, still sporting the same purple shirt and black pants. It was the same with Blue, the cheerful girl still wore the black dress stretching into a skirt, barely covering her blue shorts.

    “Well Red? Have you challenged Cinnabar’s Gym?” Blue smiled.

    “No. Just got here.”

    “Oh that’s a shame. Look what we have.” Green let out a grin, holding a shiny red badge in his fingers.

    “What!? You already got one and…" Red sighed, turning to Blue. "I assume you have one too?"

    “Mhmm.” Blue nodded eagerly.

    Pika and Poli exchanged glances, letting out a sigh.

    Red grinned eagerly. “No matter. I’ll get that badge in no time and see you two at the Indigo League like we promised!”

    Green grinned back. “Let’s see if you can keep that promise Red. Ain’t that right Blue? Blue?”

    The pair saw Blue looking behind, her attention elsewhere.

    W-was there someone behind me?” Blue murmured to herself.

    “Hey? Is something wrong Blue?”

    “I… it’s probably nothing Green.”

    “Well if it’s nothing. C’mon! Let’s go.” Red smiled. “Are you ready Pika! Are you ready Poli!”

    “Pika! Poli!” Red’s Pikachu and Poliwrath nodded.

    “Pumped up as usual.” said Green.

    “Okay!” Red reached out to the door handle with both hands. “Let’s do th-“

    Green & Blue’s smiles shattered, Pikachu’s & Poliwrath’s cheerfulness gone. Their eyes widened in terror.

    “RED!” The two screamed upon the sight of Red frozen stone cold.

    Red could feel his eyes tired and wrinkly as he slowly opened them, he could feel the softness of the bed under his back as he laid. The first thing he saw was the ceiling fan standing quietly still, full of dust. Red slowly got up, what happened?

    “Wait? What did happened? Where am I?”

    “Calm down young man.” A man stepped forward, wearing a particularly large trenchcoat. “I’m a detective investigating the recent incident. I want you to tell me what happened.”

    A Detective? Incident? What happened?”

    “Well?” The detective pulled up a wooden chair nearby, sitting down.

    “Oh. Well I was about to go to the Cinnabar Gym and my friends found me and… well. Actually I don’t know what happened after that.”

    Red scratched his head. He had nothing else to say as he didn't know what to say. Everything happened so fast. Suddenly he heard a familiar cry.

    “Pika? Poli!” two Pokemon cried out.

    Red smiled upon the sight of his two Pokemon jumping into his arms.

    “You guys are alright!”

    “Mhmm.” The detective coughed. “You don’t remember what happened after?”

    “Oh, uh. Yup. Pretty much. What happened?

    “You, well... were frozen alive almost instantaneously.”

    Red gently put aside Pika and Poli from his lap to the side of the bed as he heard those words, frozen, and alive, scuffing his fingers through Pika’s yellow fur. He didn’t know what to say to that.

    The Detective conitnued, “Unfortunately, we couldn’t find the culprit behind the freezing as the witness reports are kind of… well strange.”

    “W-what do you mean by strange?”

    “Your friend Green, the young boy around your age said he saw a tall shady stern man with cold eyes and a sharp grin.”

    “What’s the weird part?”

    “I’m getting to that. Your other friend, Blue said something completely different. She saw the culprit being a much taller man in a black cloak wearing a mask made of ice.”

    “That is a weird-looking character. So there are two culprits?”

    “No. That’s not the weird part. There were other witnesses outside of your friends.” The detective continued. “A tourist reported seeing a red-haired woman wearing glasses. One of Cinnabar’s scientists claims he instead saw a red-haired man but no glasses. The Gym Leader of Cinnabar Island looked out his window from the Gym, claims he saw a woman like the tourist said but with purple hair and no glasses. A child claims she saw an old bald man with sideburns. A surfer on the other hand said that he saw an old man full of hair wearing clear glasses.”

    “Are you saying there are multiple culprits?”

    “Possibly but again that’s not the weird part. The reason why I mention all these differences is because there was only one thing that each of the witnesses could agree on in their reports. They only saw one culprit and they were all in the exact same spot."

    "W-what." Red's eyes widened.

    "Yeah. I thought the same. The culprit performed the same action, pointing to you as if they were commanding a Pokemon from behind. The thing is no one saw the Pokemon if there was one.”

    "That doesn’t make any sense!”

    “I know. It’s strange, really strange in fact but that’s not the only thing we came here to tell you.” The man let out a sigh.

    “Red? Red are you here?” A womanly voice could be heard echoed from outside the room.

    Red recognized the voice, “Mom?”

    Red’s mother stepped in the room, her worried expression turned into a relieved smile

    “Your alright! Thank goodness!” said Red's mother.

    “Mhmm.” The Detective interrupted.

    “Huh? Oh right. Red. Did they told you already?”

    “No.” said the Detective. “I was about to tell him of…”

    “About what?” said Red.

    The man sighed, “Your hands.”

    “My? My hands?” Red could see his fingers scuffing through the relaxed Pikachu’s fur. “They seem alr… Wait a minute.”

    Where was the softness of Pikachu's fur? The warmth? He couldn’t feel anything! Red raised his hands, moving his fingers. They weren’t moving properly either. They were stiff and heavy like a statue. What is happening!?

    “My hands!? What’s wrong with my hands!?”

    Blue sat in the hallway, looking at the ground worriedly while Green leaned against the wall, crossing his arms. They could hear Red yelling on and on about his hands.

    “He’s not taking it well.” Blue muttered.

    “Why did all the witnesses saw a different person in the same spot?” Green spoke.

    “That’s what’s on your mind? Red is…”

    “Can’t help it. This whole mystery is just bizarre. What did the culprit wanted? Why Red? It doesn’t make any sense.”

    “Y-yeah… “ Blue sighed. She remembered what happened before the incident. She didn’t know how but she felt round piercing eyes staring at her from behind her shoulder, not blinking ever once. Am I imagining things?

    Pika looked at his trainer oddly, starting to worry about Red as he tried to force his hands into a fist, tried to stretch his hands wide-open. He couldn’t. They felt stone-cold kind of like a rock. The Detective sighed upon seeing the boy looking confused, Red's face turning paler at the sight of hands.

    The detective spoke, “The ice disoriented your hands. Luckily the rest of your body is alright. We think it might have to do with the door handle your hands touched first.”

    Red looked at the Detective, then he looked at his mother. “W-what about my Pokemon Journey? I won’t be able to hold a Pokeball properly with this hand, maybe not at all!”

    “D-don’t worry Red.” Red’s mom tried to smile but her son could tell that she was faking. Red could see the worried look in her eyes. “Everything will be fine. You can still do your journey. You just have to practice with those… hands.”

    Red nevertheless went along with this answering, “Y-yeah.”

    Pikachu and Poliwrath exchanged glances past the bed, looking worried.

    An year later...

    The Pokemon Announcer shouted throughout the stadium. The audience was roaring in excitement. The smoke cleared as a young trainer walked forth.

    The Pokemon Announcer shouted, “It was a tough match folks but Kanto’s youngest Pokemon Champion has prevailed against the latest of challengers, successfully defending his title of Pokemon Master! The kid from Pallet Town! Green Oak is still Pokemon Champion!”

    Green Oak stepped forth from the smoke, letting out a grin. “Maybe next time ki-“

    The TV shut off as the TV remote was placed gently on a nearby counter. The lights were off and the curtains were closed. Red just laid there in bed, not wanting to move a muscle.

    “Red? Red honey?” Red’s mother slowly opened the door, light peaking through the darkness. “Are you alright? A friend is coming over. She’s brought something that you may grab your interest.”

    “I don’t want to mom…” Red murmured.

    “Red.” Red’s mother smiled with a slightly stern voice. “Please go outside. It's quite nice out."

    “Ugh…” Red put the pillow over his head.

    “I said… GET OUT!” A voice stormed through the house, shaking Pallet Town's inhabitants nearby in fear.

    “Fine. Fine.” Red stepped out of the house.

    Red glanced nearby, seeing the passerby's looking startled.

    “Please be safe honey!” Red’s mother happily spoke just before the door closed.

    Several Rattata frolicked through the tall green grass, scurrying away as they noticed a young girl in a black dress and blue shorts came by. The young girl stopped past the "Route 1" sign. She continued looking up, amazed by what she saw, a golden and majestic bird soaring through the kids.

    “So beautiful…" Blue spoke. "I wonder what Pokemon is it? Maybe it's good luck or something. I should tell Prof. Oak about this and... Oh! That’s right.”

    Blue looked at her small parcel to see if everything was alright. Inside laid three Pokeballs. She smiled at each one, a blue tailed turtle in one Pokeball, an orange salamander with a fiery tail in another and a small dinosaur with a plant on it’s back right in the middle. They were all peacefully asleep in each Pokeball.

    “Their so adorable. I should keep my voice down." said Blue. She stopped again for a moment, wondering, "I wonder which one will Red choose?”
    Last edited: Aug 21, 2019
  2. mgrgfan

    mgrgfan Active Member

    So far, it's pretty interesting, if a bit dark (seems to be normal there and, in general, for Adventures too).

    Writing style is pretty good and easy to read.

    This whole "multiple-culprit" thing brings to mind some mystery novels, especially those with locked room mysteries (I'm looking at you, Maijo Otaro and Disco Alexander Wednesdayyy!).
    Last edited: Aug 25, 2019
  3. Kindoflame

    Kindoflame Member

    The biggest problem I thing this chapter has is that Red's reaction to learning about his hands is not well flushed out. Learning this should have been a complete gut-punch to the reader, just like it was to Red. Not only did this debilitating injury the ends his dream of being the youngest champion in history and it has ruined any long-term goals he had for his life. Just think about how many professions do not involve using your dominate hand. That sense of weight this revelation should have had was just not there. Instead of actually seeing Red's reaction, the audience is just told about it by Green and Blue.

    That being said, I think you did a good job introducing the main cast, plot and themes of the story. Like a classic Pokemon story, the central conflict will be about some person or organization that is responsible for doing evil (in this case crippling Red) with the collecting of badges working as a framing mechanic to give the story structure. Having Green be Red's rival that has surged ahead sets up an emotional conflict within Red that can be explored. Plus, the theme of how people process physical trauma is available to you, but I would give 50/50 odds that you will actual act on it. Most works I have read/ viewed have focused more on processing emotional trauma such as PTSD or alcoholism, with the Dr. Strange movie being an exception. On one hand, that leaves you with plenty of potential room to act in without repeating what other works have already said. On the other hand, you will need to do plenty of extra research since you really need to nail a theme like this correctly and you probably do not know a lot about it from just popular culture.

    Overall, this is a decent opening chapter. Nothing really stood out as particularly amazing or horrible. Some parts were okay and some parts could be improved, but the latter is true for just about everything so don't take it too hard.
    shoz999 likes this.

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