Pokemon Aquauis: Tom Draco's Adventure

[Thomas]

This will be my first fan fic. But I think it will go well.

In the rocky hills of Fallbollor Town is the newest gym in the Hoenn Pokemon
Leauge. The gym leaders name is Tom Draco, and as his name states he is a user of dragon type Pokemon. But, even though he is the newest gym leader, he is'nt weak.
Tom is enjoying his first gym battle ever against a young boy. "Go, Duskull!" the boy calls as he throws his pokeball. "Ok then.Go, Dragonair!"
Tom yells as he throws his pokeball. Jumping into the cave like stadium is a
ghasly black skull pokemon and a blue dragon pokemon. "Duskull use Shadow Ball!"the boy orders. "Dragonair fly over it and use Dragonbreath!"Tom commands. So Duskull blasts a orb of purple ghost energy at Dragonair.
While Dragonair charges at the orb but flys over it and fires a stream of a powerful flame. It hits Duskull but not enough to knock it out."Duskull use a Faint Attack!"the boy calls."Dragonair, Dragon Rage right at him." Now Duskull starts gathering energy and charges at Dragonair.But, Dragonair fires a orb of golden dragon energy at him right before Duskull hit him. Duskull skids on the rocky floor into a stalagmite."Oh Duskull! Return."the boy sadly said."That is the end of the battle!" Tom's sister Jay Draco yells.
Later, Tom is resting in his room when Jay comes in."First battle,but not to shabby." Jay claims. "Yeah, but I can't wait till I go for my goal of 100
battles undefeated!"Tom exclaims "Ok, now you're ego is growing." Jay cracked. Jay is a Water and Ice type trainer,and her favorite pokemon is Dewgong,but her Dewgong is a lazy blubber pile. "Oh yeah, this package came for you." Jay threw him a package addressed to him. He opened it and a holographic message popped up. It show a lady on it wearing a offical Pokemon All-Region League HQ suit. "Hello Tom Draco, I am the head of the All-Region Pokemon League,the top leauge in all regions. This is an inivation to the Annual Gym Leader Pokemon championship. This year it is hosted in the newly discovered region,Aquauis on Smokestack Island.It is in two weeks.Included is two tickets to the S.S. Dolphain. It will be anchored in Lilycove City in 2 days. I hope you can make it." Then the hologram swicthed off. "Wow, this is a great oppritunity to meet other gym leaders and discuss pokemon things.Like breeding,training rotines,and other stuff. I'm defenitly going!" Tom exclaimed.Hey Jay! Want to come on an adventure in a few days!" Jay replied,"I guess I have nothing else to do!"
This is what will start out the epic adventure.




What do you think for my first fan fic?

 

[icemew]

Well, this is okay, but you really should have longer chapters and clean up your formatting and spelling a little. Besides that, this looks good! Does Tom have a full team of dragon pokemon?

 

[Dias]

Where to start..

First of all, the length. You should try and make chapters at least two pages on a standard word processor. Something tells me that you typed the chapter into the text box on the forums, which is a no-no. There is no way to spell or grammar check on the forums, so it is necessary to write on a word processor (word, works, whatever). Also, since the forums don't indent, it would really help to skip a line after every paragraph to make thigns easier on the eyes. Also, a new paragraph should be started each time a different character speaks.

I think what is lacking the most here is description. More atteniton to detail would make this a lot better. For instance, we don't know what Tom looks like, or the challenger we was fighting, or Jay, for that matter. You have a base for describing attacks, I'll say that, but some more elaboration would be helpful. I don't know if you planned this to be a prologue or a first chapter, but it seems more like a prologue, which can run shorter than a standard chapter. howevr, with the use of some description (description of characters, events) this could easily be pushed up to at least a page. A little background wouldn't hurt either - for instance, why is there a a new gym/gym leader? A little character history, also.

Grammar and spelling has some errors, but that was probably because you didn't use a word processor with spell check. You also seem to be writing in present tense - a challenge even for an experienced author. I would definately reccomend past tense.

On the bright side, you seem to have a good idea. I thought that a championship of gym leaders was a very interesting idea. You have the groundwork, you just need to work on the mechanics and work on fleshing out the writing. I'd suggest taking a look around at some of the more experienced authors here (Serpent Syra, Scrap, Iceking, Burnt Flower, etc) to get a better idea of how to build a better chapter.

This is your first fic, and I must admit it's better than the usual first attempt, which usually consist of a paragraph with no direction or comprehension. You at least have an idea; you just need to work on the execution of that idea and the proper formation of a chapter.

Good luck.

 

[Thomas]

Ok guys chapter 2 is now up.



The next day Tom stared out into the hills of Fallbollor. The wind blew though his spiky red hair. Then he let out all his pokemon. “Go Salamence, Dragonite, Dragonair, Kingdra, Blaziken, and Charzard!” Tom called. Tom’s pokemon majestically came out of their pokeballs and stood in front of their owner. Tom’s Charzard is the only pokemon that Tom has that originally belonged to his dad, Robert Draco, a well respected dragon type pokemon trainer. “Ok guys, we are leaving for this Aquauis place in 1 day, now we should get some training done before that.” Tom said. “Ok here is what I want you guys to do. Salamence and Kingdra, I want you two to practice evading attacks. Dragonite and Dragonair, I want you two to practice your special attacks, Dragon Sword and Dragon Orb. Finally, Charzard and Blaziken, I want you two to work on hand-to-hand combat. Got it guys?” All the pokemon answered with a growl or grunt. Salamence and Kingdra shot blast of energy and water at each other. Dragonite and Dragonair were practicing with their special attacks. Dragonite’s Dragon Orb attack is when Dragonite gathers energy in its palms and fires it. While Dragon Sword is when Dragonair stiffens up and starts glowing with energy while Dragonite takes him and slashes a target. Charzard and Blaziken work on hand-to-hand combat.
Then Jay came out to watch Tom’s pokemon practice. Her long blue hair flew around her in the wind. Then she asked “Tom, may I have a battle with you to help you and me with our training. You probably know there might be tough trainers in Aquauis. Tom replied, “Yes, I know. It will be tough to battle trainers with tougher pokemon. So yes, I will have a battle.”
So they got ready to battle. Tom’s specially built RoboRef is reffing.
“Ready competitors?” RoboRef asked. They both said yes. “Ok, begin!” RoboRef called. “Ok, go Dragonair!” Tom yelled. “Go Dewgong!” Jay called. The two pokemon came out of their balls. One was a very fat and large Dewgong. “Ok Dewgong use Aurora Beam!” Jay commanded. “Dragonair use Dragon Rage!” Tom called. Dewgong shot a rainbow colored beam at Dragonair, who shot a large orange orb of energy at Dewgong’s Aurora Beam.


Also chapter 3 is up

Tom and Jay continue battling in the hills of Fallbollor behind the gym for training for the Aquaius region. Tom has his Dragonair out, while Jay has her Dewgong out. “Dragonair use your Dragon Whip!” Tom called, and Dragonair’s tail started glowing with a golden light and charged at Dewgong. “Dewgong, try to evade it!” Jay yelled. Dewgong tried to move,
But he couldn’t because he was too fat. “You need to work out…..” Jay mumbled. Dragonair whipped him with his tail and sent him flying. “Dewwwgonnggg!” Dewgong cried as he flew through the air, and landing on Jay. Jay laid there dazed and almost unconscious. She shoved him off of her and returned him. “Ugh…That hurt.” Jay moaned, “But, I now send out Sneasel!” Out of her ball came a black pokemon with large claws. “Sneasel use Metal Claw!” Jay commanded. Sneasel ran up to Dragonair with speed that rivaled a sports car, and slashed Dragonair with a metallic slash. Dragonair took the hit but he lost some energy taking that hit. “Ok Dragonair use Twister!” Tom yelled. Dragonair started orbiting around the
arena at a high speed and a tornado ravaged the arena with wind. Sneasel went to the tornado and ran around it faster than its present rotation, and made it stop. “Impressive Jay, that science lesson I taught you really paid off. Oh well, Dragonair use Fury Blast!” Tom called. Dragonair blasted a number of glowing orbs at Sneasel. But, he avoided them all, and attacked Dragonair with another Metal Claw, and Dragonair fainted. “Ok then, return. Go, Blaziken!” Tom threw his pokeball and out came a red, orange, and yellow pokemon with piercing blue eyes and blazing fire coming out of her wrists. “Ok Blaziken, use Flare Bomb!” Blaziken started generating fiery gold energy in her palm and launched it at Sneasel. “Sneasel! Avoid it!” Jay commanded. “Blaziken, if it doesn’t hit follow up with a Fire Punch!” Tom counter-commanded. Sneasel avoided the attack with no hesitation, but ended up in Blaziken’s face. Blaziken lunged back and charged a fiery punch at Sneasel. Sneasel was thrown back and crashed into the ground next to Jay. “Next knock out wins!” RoboRef announced. “Ok then, go Alakazam!” Jay launched her pokeball that revealed a yellow pokemon with long facial hair and two spoons. “Ok, use Psy Sword!” Alakazam’s spoons started glowing and they merged into one and Alakazam ran to Blaziken and slashed her with his spoons. Blaziken fell back and grunted, but he got back up and went to attack Alakazam, but Alakazam teleported and reappeared behind Blaziken and he slashed her again, but Blaziken fainted. “Battle over! Jay wins! Error…Error…Jay cannot win….does not compute!” RoboRef started smoking and exploded! “I’ll fix that…” Tom said “Also, that’ll probably be the last time you beat me.
----------Tom woke up the next day woke the next day, ready to go to Aquaius. He glanced over at his clock, but it said 9:31 a.m. His ship leaves in 4 minutes! He bolted to Jay room. He opened the door and stepped inside and meets a blast of cold air. “Ugh. Jay I know you like ice types. But you don’t have to put your air condtioner on blizzard!” Jay got up yawning. “Hey Tom…Yawn…” “Jay the ship leaves in 3 minutes and 49 seconds and a half!” Tom yelled. “What! We got to get going!” Jay screamed. They went outside and Tom called a taxi. “Sorry taxi service is unavailable at this moment.” The lady on the phone said. “Ok this is faster. Go Flygon!” Tom yelled. Out of his pokeball came a green pokemon with red eyes and red outlined wings. “Jay get on, Flygon, lets go to Lilycove!” Tom hit Flygon gently on the side and they took off at a great speed. They flew past Lavaridge Town, Fortree City and past the Safari Zone and they made it to Lilycove City. As they approached the port the ship set sail. “Oh great…Flygon down near the ship!” Tom commanded. He flew down and over the ship “Ok Jay, jump!” Jay jumped off Flygon onto the ship. “Ok, now me.” Tom also jumped off onto the ship. “Go Dewgong” Jay yelled. Dewgong came out under Tom and Tom landed on him. But, he got lost in the layers of blubber. “Err…. Dewgong return.” Jay said and he held up her pokeball and Dewgong returned leaving Tom on the deck of the ship. “Ok, thanks Jay. Return Flygon!” Tom held his pokeball up and returned him. “Ok, now we should give a steward our tickets. They gave a steward their tickets and found a seat on the deck. Tom saw many gym leaders on the ship. There was Koga, the poison gym leader in Fuchsia City, and Winona the flying gym leader in Fortree City, and one of Tom’s favorite gym leaders, Clair, the dragon gym leader of Blackthorn City, and many more. “Wow, many people here.” Tom said in awe. “Are there any ice type trainers here, Tom?” Jay asked. “Well sure there are, there is Pryce the ice gym leader of Mahogany Town.” “Besides that old coot, heh heh.” Jay chuckled.
-----------Soon night came and everyone was treated to a dinner. Dewgong popped out of his pokeball and started insanely eating the food. “Dewgong you’re making a scene.” Jay whispered. Dewgong stopped eating and cleaned his face with a napkin. “Er...Dewgong return.” Jay mumbled. Two people came over to the table with a microphone and a camera. The one with the microphone spoke, “Hi, I’m Mike and this is my faithful camerawoman, Recordia.” “Hello,” the lady with the camera said. “We want to interview the newest leader on the sphere.” “Block, Mike, Block.” Recordia said. “Yeah, block, right. For the Pokemon News Network, or WPNN. Now do you agree?” Tom hesitated for a moment and said “Yes.” “Ok then now we have a few questions. When did you start raising dragon type pokemon?” Mike asked. “When I was 5 years old. Or was it months.” Tom replied. “Did you actually win the Kanto and Johto league 2 times?” “Yes.” Tom replied triumphantly. “One more question, are you actually a part time scientist?” “Yes.” Tom replied for the last time. “I’m an astronomer.” “Ok then that’ll do.” Mike said. They walked away from the table. “Whew…Glad that is over.” Tom said. “I’m off to bed.”
Tom went to bed as the boat continued to progress to Aquaius.

 

[Overwhelming_Latias]

Alright. I'm going to try to be as nice as possible here. Why haven't you taken note of anything that Dias suggested? If you're hoping for a premature ending to your fic, then carry on, because a mod will probably close this if your fic doesn't start obeying the rules.

Make sure you check out the 'Advice For Aspiring Authors' thread. That alone should help you step up your game.

I agree with Dias, the fic is original, and I also like the idea of 'Dragon Sword'. It's odd, but it's kinda cool also.

A 'few' issues you need to address:
-Length: fic chapters have to be at least one page long in MSWord. Now yours don't meet that prerequisite, but that's probably due to incorrect structuring of paragraphs etc

-Description: there's little to no description of characters, pokemon, environments... anything. Expand here if you wanna create a better fic.

-Spelling, punctuation, grammar and structure: use paragraphs, space speech out, use colons and semi-colons (: and ; respectively), make sure you're spelling correctly.

-Chapter Posting: leave a time gap before posting up another chapter, to allow would-be reviewers time to ingest your work and review accordingly. Once you've attained a certain amount of reviews, post the next installment up.

-Past vs Present Tense: you switched between tenses somewhat, and I have to agree with Dias that for a first fic, the past tense really is your best option.

I wish you all the luck in the world, and I hope you take these ideas to heart.

All the best.

-OL

 

[Chibi Pika]

Aw, c'mon dude, you should've listened to Dias, he had some really good advice.

First of all, I've seen many people before you post multiple chapters at a time and it's bad. It makes people less likely to read, and we all want more readers, right? ^^ So quick, edit your second post and take out chapter 3.

Now, as Dias said, word processor = absolute necessity. Everyone needs to use one. That way you can save your chapters and work on them later insted of doing everything all at one time and ending up with short chappies. Also, it isn't that hard to double space after paragraphs. it makes everything neater and cleaner and more people will read it. To be honest, most people when they see a lack of paragraphing go, "ugh, noob," and leave. So you really need it. ^^;;;

Without grammar check, but just basic paragraphing, this is what your fic looks like.

In the rocky hills of Fallbollor Town is the newest gym in the Hoenn Pokemon Leauge. The gym leaders name is Tom Draco, and as his name states he is a user of dragon type Pokemon. But, even though he is the newest gym leader, he is'nt weak.

Tom is enjoying his first gym battle ever against a young boy.

"Go, Duskull!" the boy calls as he throws his pokeball.

"Ok then.Go, Dragonair!"

Tom yells as he throws his pokeball. Jumping into the cave like stadium is a ghasly black skull pokemon and a blue dragon pokemon.

"Duskull use Shadow Ball!"the boy orders.

"Dragonair fly over it and use Dragonbreath!"Tom commands.

So Duskull blasts a orb of purple ghost energy at Dragonair. While Dragonair charges at the orb but flys over it and fires a stream of a powerful flame. It hits Duskull but not enough to knock it out.

"Duskull use a Faint Attack!"the boy calls.

"Dragonair, Dragon Rage right at him."

Now Duskull starts gathering energy and charges at Dragonair.But, Dragonair fires a orb of golden dragon energy at him right before Duskull hit him. Duskull skids on the rocky floor into a stalagmite.

"Oh Duskull! Return."the boy sadly said.

"That is the end of the battle!" Tom's sister Jay Draco yells.

-----
Later, Tom is resting in his room when Jay comes in.

"First battle,but not to shabby." Jay claims.

"Yeah, but I can't wait till I go for my goal of 100 battles undefeated!"Tom exclaims

"Ok, now you're ego is growing." Jay cracked. Jay is a Water and Ice type trainer,and her favorite pokemon is Dewgong,but her Dewgong is a lazy blubber pile.

"Oh yeah, this package came for you." Jay threw him a package addressed to him. He opened it and a holographic message popped up. It show a lady on it wearing a offical Pokemon All-Region League HQ suit.

"Hello Tom Draco, I am the head of the All-Region Pokemon League,the top leauge in all regions. This is an inivation to the Annual Gym Leader Pokemon championship. This year it is hosted in the newly discovered region,Aquauis on Smokestack Island.It is in two weeks.Included is two tickets to the S.S. Dolphain. It will be anchored in Lilycove City in 2 days. I hope you can make it." Then the hologram swicthed off.

"Wow, this is a great oppritunity to meet other gym leaders and discuss pokemon things.Like breeding,training rotines,and other stuff. I'm defenitly going!" Tom exclaimed.

Hey Jay! Want to come on an adventure in a few days!"

Jay replied,"I guess I have nothing else to do!"

This is what will start out the epic adventure.

Also, make sure to always hit the space bar between sentences. Also you kind of switched between past-tence verbs (exclaimed, threw, opened, ect) and present (claims, comes exclaims.) I'd advise that you just stick with past.

Good luck!

~Chibi~;249;<?>;rukario;

 

[Dilasc]

To have the character name the same as your user name screams of a mary sue that bards will sing about while bashing things in with their guitars. Those spoony bards, always having so much fun!

As for the story, it is, as everyone else said, a bit bland. It is lacking, and the characters and their Pokemon both feel very much like one dimensional cardboard.

All in all, the best way to learn, as has been stated, is to go read fics and take the knowledge you get from their writing style and apply it to your story.

 

[Act]

-Spelling, punctuation, grammar and structure: use paragraphs, space speech out, use colons and semi-colons and ; respectively), make sure you're spelling correctly.

Not having colons and semicolon is *not* a grammatical fault. In fact, I highly advise a new author against using semicolons in particular until they have experience and are sure how.

Not that you seem to be taking anyone's advice anyway, but I just happened to find that to be not the best of advice.

 

[Thomas]

Ok guys, I will try to get my fic to the best condition I can.



The next day they came approaching Aquaius. It was a large island with a beach and palm forests and a waterfall and the far east side. There was a small town on the top of the island that had a 2 story building with satellite dish all over the top.

“Wow…What a beautiful place!” Jay exclaimed.
“Incredible, what a view!” Tom gasped.

Soon they landed at a marina with marble steps leading up the hill to the town. The sign above them said Marble Town Marina. After walking up the long white step, which Tom really thought they were long, they made it to the town.

“Gaaassp… Man, I need a glass of water….” Tom panted.

Then Jay’s Kingdra came out of his pokeball and blasted Tom with a Water Gun.

“That is not what I needed!” Tom yelled.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Jay returned Kingdra and they continued to the town’s Pokemon Center.
As they entered the red roofed building a woman approached them.

“Are you Tom Draco?” the lady asked.
“Yes,” Tom replied.
“I am Meda, I’ll be your guide around the port city of Aquaius, Marble City!”
“Ok then,” Tom said.
“First, I’ll bring you to our town’s most honored landmark, the Aquaius Research HQ.”

They walked out of the Pokemon Center and walked to the building they saw with the satellite dishes on it. They walked inside and saw many scientists working on computers and writing on papers.

“This is where you get your first souvenir of Auqaius, Dr. Neriad!”

Soon, one of the scientists got off of his station and walked over to the group.

“Hello Meda, and who are these guests?” Dr. Neriad asked.
“This is Tom Draco, the gym leader of Fallbollor Town, and his sister Jay Draco.” Meda replied.
“Oh… I remember you’re my 2:00 appointment.” Dr. Neriad said. “I have them in the back room follow me.”

They followed the doctor into a room. He turned on the lights and in front of them were three strange pokemon. One was a pokemon that looked like a tortoise with lava flowing out of it. Another looked like a dolphin. And the last one was a pokemon with ferns for arms and a fern coming out of its head.

“These are three newly discovered pokemon, Eruptile, Dolphain, and Fernin. You two can each choose one to keep.” Dr. Neriad told them.
“All trainers, including the new gym leaders that come here for the championship, get one.” Mira said.
“Wow what a nice specimen of pokemon,” Tom said as he looked at Fernin. I’ll take him!”
“And I’ll take Dolphain!” Jay announced.

They got their new pokemon and headed outside. But, as they opened the door a blue haired southern boy with a black bike rode up to them.

“Hey, I know you… You’re the new Fallbollor Town gym leader that was on TV!” the boy said.
“Yeah, and what is it to you?” Tom asked.
“I’m Carlos, this town’s strongest trainer, and I want to battle you!” Carlos demanded.
“Ok, you’re on!” Tom yelled back.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Soon they met in a clearing in the large palm forest.

“Smells great here!” Jay exclaimed.
“I know, this is one of the great things about the Aquaius region.” Carlos answered.

They got into position to battle, Jay was reffing, and tension was in the air.

“Begin battle!” Jay announced.
“Go, Dragonite!” Tom yelled.
“Go, Witchic!” Carlos yelled,

Out of Tom’s pokeball came his prized Dragonite. But out of Carlos’ pokeball came a pokemon with a black hat, cloak, red boots, a broom, and a green face with a long sharp nose.

“Ok Witchic, use Broom Fury!” Carlos commanded.

Witchic flew towards Dragonite with her glowing broom and swiped Dragonite 5 times.

“Ok, well even though it’s a new pokemon we’ve never seen before let’s attack it. Dragonite, use Dragon Orb!” Tom yelled.

Dragonite charged a golden orb in one palm and flew at Witchic. He launched the orb a few yards away from her.

“Witchic, use Magic Shield and then use Faint Attack!”

Witchic put her broom up in front of her and produced a shield, then started glowing with a purple aura and turned invisible, then attacked Dragonite ruthlessly.

“Dragonite hang in there! Use Dragon Punch!” Tom commanded.

Dragonite charged at Witchic with both of its fists glowing and hit Witchic into a palm tree, which dropped a coconut onto Witchic’s head.

“One down two to go Dragonite.” Tom said as he congratulated Dragonite.
“Go, Shtinkter!” Carlos called.

A pokemon came out of his pokeball, and it smelled worse than two Weezings and a wet Poochyana. It looked like a Linoone, but it smelled.

“Ugh!.. It smells bad now!” Jay exclaimed.
“I know, he’s the skunk pokemon!” Carlos said.
“I don’t care, Dragonite take care of him with a Dragon Punch!” Tom commanded.

Dragonite flew toward his enemy again with its fists glowing.

“Shtinkter, do your thing!” Carlos said with a sly grin.

Shtinkter turned around and blasted a wave of green gas at Dragonite.

“Drrraggonniteeee!” Dragonite cried as he fell back into Tom.
“It’s called Super Spray. Do you like it?” Carlos asked.
“Yeah, it’s a great perfume!” Tom said sarcastically.


So far our trainers are tied. But, will our hero be able to conquer over
the new pokemon or suffer his first Aquaius defeat. Keep reading!

Also, my grandma told me that skunk in German is Shtinkter, so if you know German I'm just pointing that out.

 

[Dilasc]

The next day they came approaching Aquaius.

...... Whoah. The fact that I did the ... before saying a sentence is a big thing. You open with something that makes me question many things about myself, such as 'Why do I have such a dirty mind?'

Anyway, don't use the number keys when typing, ever! Type out the word two instead of 2.

The descriptions of your fabricated Pokemon are poor and uninspiring, even by name. Saying that a Pokemon smells like the utter incarnation of cigarett butts mixed with the powers of a sewer tells me nothing! If you needadvice on how to make an original creature, then the best advice is to be creative and bend the language as much as possible. Remember, no more than ten letters and four sylables if you want to keep within the boundries.

Description in general is band, and the combat scene is hadly interesting. As suggested before, get out there and read a few good fics. It'll do you worlds of good and help immensely.