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Pokemon: Aura Legends

Discussion in 'Fan Fiction' started by Silver7, Dec 10, 2012.

  1. Silver7

    Silver7 Electrifying

    Rated PG-13

    The story follows a young boy who suddenly found himself in the mysterious world of Pokemon. With no memories of past events, he decided to travel in search for answers.

    Hello Guys.. This is my 1st ever fanfic story, I hope you like it ^_^
    I am grateful if you can comment to my work so I can apply it to my future works

    First of all
    -I do not claim ownership over Pokemon
    -This is a non-profit work, motivated only by the creator's of pokemon, though they don't know me I am grateful for their works
    -If you like my work, support Nintendo and Game Freak
    -The original creators have the rights to request the removal of this work

    The Beginning
    Chapter 1: Riku

    The Beginning

    My body, I can feel the cold breeze circling through my body. I can feel the soft and cold grass surrounding me. The melodies that I can hear are fading away, I know, I know…

    I slowly opened my eyes, it was dark, and there were just trees surrounding me. It felt like the world was spinning when I had started getting up.
    "Urghh, what a headache" My head felt heavy. I looked around the area, "Where am I?" I wondered. I then tried to recollect my thoughts before I ended up here. "I… I… I can't remember anything, even my name" I panicked, but I knew that I myself is a kind of guy that could calm down in such situations.

    I can't remember any events that have happened before, but I do remember Japan. Maybe if I ask someone, I'll know where I am

    Wild cries began to echo from the trees. I thought, for a second, about myself being inside a forest. Even an elementary kid knew how dangerous it was going in the forest at night. My body began to tremble, I raised my hand and, "Wha! What, what is this?" These are not human hands, I hurriedly checked my entire body, and found out that I have big ears and a blue skin. "But, but" I became silent for a moment

    Then out of nowhere I said, "This is just a dream, just a dream" I was trying to force myself in believing that this was just a dream. I ran faster and faster through the woods hoping to get out from this nightmare, and because of my aimless running, I tripped and my head smacked into the ground. "Ow, Ouch!" I screamed from the pain. I sat down near a tree to rest for a while. I began to worry because I felt tired, and most of all, that hit into the ground was really painful. If this was a dream, I should never had felt that pain. "But, but I am a human, if look like this, what does that mean?" I said to myself

    Even though I couldn't remember my name and any events that happened to me before this, I could remember clearly that I am a human. I could remember clearly many information that made me a human like chemistry, physics, math, etc., how did I learn these things? I don't know and it felt weird. I stood up and decided to find my way out from this forest. I followed the path where I hear no strange cries. Trying to avoid them is my best strategy since it's too dark.

    After a while, I arrived at some kind of a small lake. I was disappointed because I thought that I was out of the forest. The moon shone brightly that enabled me to see the small lake that was surrounded by thick trees. I was a little thirsty so I decided to drink from there.

    "What! this is impossible, how?" upon seeing my reflection from the water. I can somehow remember what this image of mine is.

    "Riolu, I am, I am a pokemon?"

    It was so hard for me to believe what I just saw, real pokemon doesn't exist even outside Japan. I've turned into a riolu, this was unbelievable, and creepy too.

    "What's happening, where am I?" I said to my confused reflection. In a split of a second, a large amount of water gushed from the surface of the lake and hit me. I was thrown upwards, away from the lake, and fell, bouncing and sliding into the ground.

    "That hurts" I cried

    I hurriedly stood and faced the lake, two creatures jumped from the water to the grounds near me. I can't believe my eyes, those creatures are actually a poliwag, a pokemon.

    The two poliwag looked so vicious, so I started running away from them, but then, my body started to flinch from the pain earlier. The two poliwag used water gun aimed at me. I tried to shield it with my arms, but the strong current carried me away crashing into the nearby tree. My back was inflicted with so much pain.

    "I won't die in this place" I whispered to myself

    I stood up, my legs were shaking, and I couldn't run anymore.
    The two poliwag, again, were attempting another water gun, there was nothing I could do besides watching them. The time suddenly stopped, the motion of their water gun rushed into my memory. The two poliwag unleashed their water gun attack to finish me, but I couldn't just accept dying here so I followed my involuntary reflex and, suddenly, I saw myself using water gun too.

    My water gun collided with theirs, and dispersed their water gun. My water gun, then, hit the two poliwag directly. I was amazed that I managed to do that, even though I don't know what I just did.

    After the water particles had dispersed, to my horror, the two poliwag were unaffected like it was nothing. They attacked with another water gun aimed at me. My body was in pain, and can't move well, I was helplessly hit, carried by the water gun, and crashed again to the tree. My vision began to blur as I was falling down into the ground, my hearing was getting fainter as I approached the ground, and finally, the hit into the ground left me unconscious.

    -End of Prologue-

    Notes: To enlighten some points in the story

    Riolu in pokemon have the move called mirror move which can copy the opponents' last attack that's why riolu was able to use water gun

    Poliwag in pokemon can have the ability Water Absorb which can nullify water attacks and use it to heal itself.
    Last edited: Dec 12, 2012
  2. Silver7

    Silver7 Electrifying

    Thank you Negrek for the comments, here is my second try in Chapter 1.
    I'll try to fix the prologue some other time

    Chapter 1: Riku

    -Chapter 1-

    Riolu founds himself floating in the vastness of space. It was very cold and silent, and the only thing he could see were two white lights approaching. Every second they got brighter and warmer until they started blinding his eyes. Riolu then closed his eyes for a minute and then, suddenly, after opening his eyes again, he finds himself in a different atmosphere.

    Riolu was lying on a bed of leaves inside a small hut. The warm sunlight shone from the window, touching half of his body. It was so peaceful that the sound of wind passing through the leaves and branches outside could be heard. Riolu then took a deep breath and rose up from the bed. He then remembered he had been attacked by two poliwag. “What happened?” He quietly said to himself.

    There was no one else inside the hut. The hut was just made from wood and vines. The inner interior of the hut were full of decorations, like pretty rocks and shiny metals, and a curtain that is probably the exit. There were several paintings and sculptures that had surprised him because it looked like it was manmade. There was also a fluffy bed and a wooden table in the corner. The table has papers on top of it and an object that looked like a quill pen, the only difference is the color, which is blue.

    Riolu slowly approached the table on the other side of the room. The papers on top of the table were blank. He had noticed that there were some writings that were engraved on the rightmost top corner of the table. I’ve never seen such symbols before, yet I know what it meant. Maybe this is how pokemon write down their language. It’s no use, I still couldn’t understand everything that happened to me, why can I read this? , this was the first time I’ve seen this writing. “What’s this?” He had seen something very familiar among the writings because it was written using the English alphabet.

    “Riku?” he whispered softly.

    Riolu took two steps away from the table. This is really freaky. Who lives here? Maybe I should go check the outside. Riolu had approached and opened the curtain leading to the outside. He was surprised to see that the hut was actually on top of a branch of a large tree. He knew he was still in the same forest he had wandered aimlessly in that night, because the trees were of similar in sizes. There was a ladder attached on the large trunk of the tree stretching downwards.

    He approached the ladder and had started mounting it, but he made a misstep, and had slipped, because he was not yet accustomed to his new body. “Waaaahh” he screamed. Luckily the tree hut was not that high from the ground, and he landed on something soft, and, suddenly, “Chuuuuuu!!!!” Riolu had been painfully electrocuted for a few seconds.

    “That hurts!” A scream came from the soft object that Riolu landed on. Being paralyzed and unable to move, Riolu was pushed away by the creature to the side as it was going to get up.

    It was a yellow creature with long pointy with black tips, brown stripes at the back, red cheeks and a lightning bolt like tail with a heart shaped tip. No doubt, it’s a pikachu. A wooden basket and different kind of berries that he had never seen before are scattered around them. Riolu had gathered his strength to sit up facing the pikachu.

    Pikachu was crying and said “That hurts” sniffed.

    “You can talk!?” Riolu exclaimed. He stood up and approached the crying pikachu. The pikachu wiped its tears and stared at him angrily. Sparks began to appear from the cheek of pikachu. He was forced to back off and then kneeled. “I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry” Riolu said while bowing back and forth repeatedly.

    Pikachu angrily shouted back at him. “Of course I can talk! What do you think I am some kind of animal? We are both pokemon you know” Silence overtook Riolu for a few seconds. Pikachu stared at him, and sighed. “You are weird. Did you lose your memory or something?” Pikachu asked in a more friendly tone.

    “I don’t know” Riolu reluctantly answered “By any chance, are you the one who lives in that tree hut?”

    “Yup... and you… you almost died last night. It was very noisy near the lake last night, so I checked the place only to find out you were unconscious and being continuously kicked by poliwags. I used the vines to drag you and carried you on my back” Pikachu replied.
    “Uhhmmm... thank you, you are very nice” Riolu said with a faint voice.
    Pikachu looked at him suspiciously, smiled and said, “I’m glad to know you are not an evil criminal”

    “So, there are criminals roaming around these parts?” Riolu looked at Pikachu worriedly.

    ”Well there are some, I don’t know in other places because I haven’t really travelled very far. You should avoid them especially for someone who was beaten badly by some poliwags” Pikachu sounded like mocking me even with that cute smile. Pikachu then began to pick up one by one the scattered berries and put it inside the wooden basket.
    “You should avoid them, especially the humans, those animals are the true evil of this world” Pikachu muttered to herself with a scary voice.

    Riolu’s heart began to beat faster, he then bit his lips and asked “Humans?”

    Pikachu stopped what it was doing and looked at the sky. “A long time ago there were some ruins discovered that tells the existence of humans, but nobody have ever seen one thousands of years. Those creatures suddenly appeared a few years ago in the faraway lands, and even though there are only a few of them, their existence endangers the pokemon living in this world. They are truly evil living entities.” Pikachu looks so serious and somewhat angry.

    Hmm maybe I shouldn’t bring up topics regarding humans. What if she knew I was a human? Hmm impossible, unless she can read minds, I’ll just stay quiet about that, Riolu thought at that moment.

    Pikachu had finished collecting the scattered berries and asked me, “So what are you going to do now?”

    Riolu showed a blank face and said, “I, I don’t know”

    Pikachu sighed and looked into my eyes “Your head must have really been hit hard” she said, and laughed. “Come on, stay at my place for the meantime. It’s dangerous here especially during the night.” Pikachu smiled.

    Looking at the bright sky, I could say the time is already past noon. I think it’s a good idea staying at Pikachu’s place even though I just met her; she looks nice, just scary sometimes.

    Pikachu tied the wooden basket on her back using the vines that had been growing from the trees, and began climbing up the ladder that was attached to the large tree trunk. Riolu had followed her and climbed up to tree hut. Upon arriving inside Pikachu’s tree hut, he sat on the bed of leaves where he had been sleeping last night.

    Pikachu approached him carrying some kind of blue round berries and said, “Here eat these, you must be hungry”

    Riolu picked one of the berries from Pikachu’s hand and examined it, “What is this?”

    “You really don’t know? You are really weird. That is an Oran berry, it will help you recover energy quickly”

    Riolu opened his mouth and took a bite from the Oran berry. What is this? It consists of different kinds of taste, the juice of the berry tasted so fresh as it slowly releases heat and flavor in my mouth, what’s more, eating it while having an empty stomach felt like heaven. Riolu snapped out from his fantasy and find himself crying just from tasting the Oran Berry. Pikachu was laughing in front of him the whole time. This is very embarrassing.

    “You are really weird” Pikachu laughed
    Again, I was being toyed by Pikachu by saying that comment.

    Riolu then finished the Oran berry and grabbed the others in Pikachu’s hand.
    Pikachu just smiled and walked away.

    Riolu laid down on the leaves and started thinking what had happened before, when he was still a human. On the other side of the room, Pikachu was leaning on the window, and for some unknown reasons, became silent and stared outside.

    That night.

    Riolu approached the window to look at the sky. It was very refreshing to see the stars twinkling and the moon shining brightly. The forest below was so dark that it looked like a bottomless pit even though it’s not that high, because the moonlight hardly reached the bottom.

    I still couldn’t remember anything, even my own name

    “Say, Pikachu, do pokemon have names, I mean aside from what they are normally called?”

    “Yeah, some pokemon have names. You speak like you are not a pokemon, weird”

    “Uhmm, haha, so, do you have a name?”

    Pikachu did not reply for a few seconds and just stared at Riolu. “Well my parents always tells me that strangers are not to be trusted but since you’re an idiot I guess it’s alright” Pikachu said, and smiled.
    It felt like my whole existence was shrinking down into nothing. That smile while saying those kinds of things, made me want to cry on one corner of the room.

    “My name is Aimi; the pokemon village near here knows me as a treasure hunter. Well I’ve never actually found a treasure but I have these collections”
    That explains the weird paintings and statues surrounding us.

    “Say, who are you and where did you come from? Pokemon don’t just forgot everything even from having a hard hit on the head” Aimi asked, and stared at him
    This is bad; I can’t just say that I have no memories because she know I know a pikachu when I see one or just say I’m a human, who knows what will happen. Hmmm I’ll just make something up so I’ll look less suspicious and the conversation will proceed smoothly.

    “I lived in Viridian forest with my friends there, until that day I had woke up mysteriously in this forest” Riolu answered

    “Viridian Forest, hmm, I’ve never heard of it, must be a far away place. You’re hiding something from me aren’t you? Pokemon don’t just get mysteriously transported around here” Aimi approached him, and looked at him in the eyes.

    “I’m telling you, I’m a pokemon from Viridian Forest, maybe I was accidentally carried by migrating pidgeots” Riolu insisted. “And I have a name, hmmm, my name, my name is” A name suddenly slipped from Riolu’s tongue
    Aimi stared at the open space for a few seconds then, suddenly, she held my hands and said, “So Riku is your name, nice to meet you”

    -End of Chapter 1-
    Last edited: Dec 12, 2012
  3. Negrek

    Negrek Lost but Seeking

    Hi. Welcome to the forums!

    This looks like it's going to be a pretty standard Mystery Dungeon fanfic, no? It's interesting that you have Pikachu immediately expressing hatred for humans, since that's not an attitude I remember seeing in the games. Right now that's what standing out to me as the most interesting plot point for you to build on in future chapters, as obviously the truth about Riku is going to have to come out eventually.

    Right now, though, I'm afraid your 'fic is kind of drowning in stylistic problems that make it difficult to read. One of the most prominent is the way you keep breaking the story up so it's almost always a single sentence per line... this makes everything feel extremely disjointed, more like a set of independent thoughts than a real story. You want to group things together in paragraphs so that related parts of a scene are together. For example, I would probably group the first few lines of the second chapter like this, myself:

    You'll notice that I changed some things other than gathering the sentences together. That's because you have many, many persistent grammar and punctuation problems throughout your work, and I simply corrected them in the above paragraphs. In particular, you aren't able to stay in a single tense; you aren't correctly punctuating dialogue; you don't know how to place commas correctly; and quite often you like to leave periods off the end of sentences if they end a paragraph, for whatever reason. To better understand dialogue, you can take a look at this guide, starting from post #5. There's information on verb tenses here, and information on placing commas here. I'm afraid I won't be able to talk too much about specific errors--there are honestly too many of them.

    Unfortunately, at this point the mechanical problems are really, really overshadowing the actual story; they make it kind of a headache to read, and at times difficult to understand. I would recommend you focus on getting your basic grammar and punctuation fixed up before anything else, as right now you're going to have trouble getting people to actually read through the story itself for the aforementioned reasons. If you know someone who's good at writing who can work with you on figuring out the grammar issues, that would be best; if not, try looking at grammar guides like the one I linked to and try absorbing the rules.
  4. Silver7

    Silver7 Electrifying

    Ok thanks Negrek for the comment and some of the links...
    Now I realize English was this hard if it's not your everyday dialect in conversations hahaha
    I'll try to reedit everything from the start after studying your suggestions.
    It just happens I only use MS Word for grammar errors. Now I know its only for basic single sentences
  5. Negrek

    Negrek Lost but Seeking

    Yeah, I wasn't sure whether English was your first language. It would probably help you out to partner up with a native speaker to help you with your structure if at all possible; English really does have a lot of complicated rules for punctuation and spelling that can be very difficult to get a hang of.

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