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Pokemon: Bigger, Longer, and Uncut (NC-17)

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TPMX

Beans backing up...
Welcome to my first fic! Keep that in mind when you're grading me.

Ahem. *reads off paper* "This fic is rated NC-17 by the FFAOSPPF (Fan Fiction Association of Serebii) for Language, Nudity, Violence, Gore, and Sexual Situations." I personally think this is stupid. We should say it's G, and the kids will avoid this like the plague XD.

I'm planning as many chapters as I can. 5, minumum. If I can, I'll make it infinite, if you guys like it. Also, I'm testing 4th wall breaking. If I suck too bad, I won't do it much.

Thanks to Dragonfree for OKing this, and the other mods for not closing it.

And now....Pokemon: Bigger, Longer, and Uncut.





Chapter One: The Plan is Laid (As Well As Paris Hilton)

Saturday, November 26, 2005

“…the citizens of Washington D.C. plan to evacuate, if Bush gets any stupider.” We find 4 boys watching the news. They are Stan Marsh, Kyle Broflovski, Eric Cartman, and Kenny McKormick. If you don’t know who they are, they are boys that live in a pissant white-bread redneck town called South Park. If you need to know any more, you are reading the wrong fic. Ha ha.

“And now,” said the anchor, “the infamous anime series ‘Chinpokomon’ is airing in some relatively unknown place called Hoenn. This makes it the 2nd-to-last country to get this series, behind Japan, for some reason. More on this topic is an Asian car salesman.”

“Thanks Tom,” said the salesman, “I am at what seems to be a hospital/hotel/restaurant in Hoenn. We’re here with a young boy and girl, who are waiting for said show to start. And your name is…”

“Ash Ketchum,” replied the boy, “from Pallet Town!”

“HOLY SHIT!” yelled Stan, “He looks like the dude from Chinpokomon!”

“Yeah, I see that,” agreed Kyle, “that’s weird.”

“Shut up you guys,” shouted Cartman, “they’re still not done!”

“…and this show should be interesting,” said Ash, “Wonder if there is any ways to help battle!”

“Uh…yeah,” said Asian dude, “we’ll check back in 30 minutes.”

30 minutes later

“And we will now check back with Asian Car Salesman on the Hoenn story, are you there?”

“Yes, but the whole country is pissed! Apparently, THIS is where Hirato, the creator of Chinpokomon, got the idea from! You see, there are...” The video cuts off immediately...

Back in Hoenn, Ash and the girl examine the unconscious body of Asian Car Salesman. A look of anger and befuddlement are mixed on their faces.

“What happened to him?” questioned Ash, “He just unplugged his camera and fainted. It’s so retarded.”

“Same here,” said the girl. Her name was May, a relatively nice girl, but with breasts that makes it look like she was smuggling balls in her shirt, causing plenty of nerds with no lives to go to forums online to talk about her breasts. “That doesn’t matter right now though. What does matter is what that damn show said. What the hell were they going for?”

“Yeah! But what can we do?”

“God, you’re dense! It’s obvious; fight back!” At that point, May picks up the phone and dials a number. “I heard this show started in a show called South Park, Colorado,” she explained to Ash. “Since rednecks like to swear and stuff, I have an idea.” The other side picked up. “Hello, FCC? I have a job for you…”

“….Is that it?” asked Ash. “There isn’t a fadeout. Don’t you know the rules of television?”

“Well, no. I’ve only been here for about 2 years! You’ve been here for about 8! Teach me, oh wise one!” Their bickering causes a fadeout by itself.

We now go to South Park. The boys are about to watch the fourth Harry Potter movie. Kyle and Cartman are fighting about whether or not it will suck balls like the last one.

“Ugh,” groans Cartman, “that’s so Jew of you. You know that barely anyone that was Catholic saw that piece of shit.”

“One,” argues Kyle, “if that’s true, it’s because their mothers were too busy getting fucked. Two, what kind of shitty survey team made that shit?”

“The Eric Cartman Kyle’s A Dirty Jew campaign.”

“You racist piece of fat fu…” At that point, the boys are kidnapped by guys wearing suits. “Damn it, it’s NAMBLA again!” screams Stan.

The boys wake up. They are in a damp, dark hanger. They are each tied down with rope and shackles, with what looks like a helmet with wires on their heads. The chairs are wooden and are covered with what looks like blood. Around the walls were different items, some for torture, some for cleaning, and a small shelf filled with firemen.

“If we get raped again Cartman,” said Stan, “I’m gonna kick your ass!”




Bonus Material: The FCC Song, Family Guy, Created by Seth Mcfarlane. First song there.
 
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F

Flying Tropius

Guest
.......no comments for now but you must posted 3 times by accident I don't think you did it on purpose but delete before mod appears.....Delete this one I said nothing
 

Yami Ryu

Well-Known Member
... if this is the bigger, longer, uncut version I'd hate to see the first. As this is as funny as a tack to the thumb, about as decent as half the fics I've burned in the past for breaking the rules, and generally lacks in every other area you could ignore, such as description and characters.

...

Maybe next time you should try writing a chapter, and not scribbles in a reply box.
 

TPMX

Beans backing up...
Flying Tropius said:
.......no comments for now but you must posted 3 times by accident I don't think you did it on purpose but delete before mod appears.....Delete this one I said nothing

I did it. Damn, I almost got caught!

And just so you know, this is the approxiamate length of each chapter, but I will have many more! Ignore the 5 thing.
 

Redsoxpsyco

SarahPalinClubsSeals
it has may, south park, and harry potter, what more could you want. I'm sure the south park fans will love this...
 

TPMX

Beans backing up...
Let me just say this;

First fic. Trouble brewing. Age. Corruptness of brain. Boredom. You must appreciate South Park to like this. Plus, it gets better. Just wanted to say that.
 

TPMX

Beans backing up...
Well, for mostly good reviews, I'll keep writing!




Chapter 2: Kenny Dies

The door opened at the end of the hangar. Two silhouettes are by the door, both around the same build. As they walked closer, their identities were revealed; they were the people who kidnapped the boys. When one of them talked, it was in a crisp, official voice.

“We have observed your behavior the past hour. You have sworn about 100 times in that time period. To fix the problem, we have installed V-chips in all of you. (“Oh, not again!” complained Cartman) Now, when you swear, a horn will go off. You are free to go.”

“Then,” inquired Stan, “why are there a bunch of torture devices and firemen in here?”

The other person said, “Oh, that. We shoot some porno in here.” At that point, a door on the side opens, and a goat, guy in spandex, and Cartman’s mom walks out.

“Hi poopieskins!” she said. (GOD*horn* IT!)

As the other boys laughed loudly at Cartman’s mom being here, the FCC guys let them go. Cartman’s mom goes back into the room, as the boys get booted out. Of course, they steal some stuff as they leave.

“Let’s see what I got,” says Kyle, “A AK-47, Saddam’s map of his WMDs, and a file on offenses for today. Let’s check ours.” He opens the file and starts reading, “Offenders: blah blah blah, apprehended for swearing excessively, blah blah blah, plaintiffs…oh my God.”

“What is it Kyle?” questioned Stan.

“The people who tipped the FCC,” said Kyle, “were an Ash Ketchup or something and a May…smudge over the last name. That first dude was the guy on the news that looked like the guy from Chinpokomon!”

“Yeah!” exclaimed Cartman, “those *big long horn blow*. And that would explain why we’re in that Hoenn place!” The screen zooms to show the Pokemon League.

“What the *muffled horn* is that?” mumbled Kenny. An Ursaring shows up, big, menacing, and kind of smelled like rotten eggs.

“Hold on Kenny! It’s Skuzzle-Butt!” Kyle takes out the AK-47 and takes a shot. It misses the Ursaring, and grazed Kenny on the side of the head. Kenny then takes out a ray gun of some sort (after yelling at Stan, which was a long horn) and shoots the Ursaring. He disappears in thin air.

“What did you just do Kenny?” questioned Cartman. At that point, the Ursaring shows up above Kenny’s head, out of thin air, and squishes Kenny. Kyle immediately takes a shot and kills the Ursaring.

“Oh my God, he killed Kenny!” Stan shouted. (“You *honk*!” screamed Kyle)

“Hold on,” said Stan. He pulls out a magnet, a very painful shock happens, and then nothing. “Fuck,” he says, “that hurt! But now we can swear! Awesome!”

“So now do we do?” questions Cartman, “we’re in a country somewhere in Asia with no way to go home. (“Let’s fuck girls!” says Stan) I guess we can find the assholes that made us come here.”

“Good idea,” says Stan, “and maybe your first one (Fuck you!). Let me check what I got from the place…a nail clipper with ‘Terrorist Device’ on it…a CD of Phil Collins singing…..and the Marauder’s Map, Hoenn edition. Son of a bitch.”

“Damn, those Asians make good shit, don’t they?” said Cartman. “Now let’s find those uncle fuckers!” The map opens up, and automatically all of Hoenn is shown (no tap required). After about 5 minutes, the boys find them, in the Pokemon Center of Sootopolis City. They use Kenny’s transportation gun to get there.

Outside the Sootopolis Pokemon Center, May and Ash are eating on a picnic table (actually, they’re shoveling food down their mouths). The boys show up on a hill, Stan and Cartman toting guns. Apparently Cartman stole one too.

“Say hello to my little friend,” yelled Cartman, in a crappy Scarface accent, and both young trainers disappeared.

“Let me try something,” Stan said, and he shot Cartman (Ay!). All his fat disappeared. “Hey, I kinda like this!” he said.



Quick Note: Originally, Kenny was supposed to walk out of the Pokemon League, alive, but the dollar in his pocket would have been 50 cents. I knocked that off. This is to explain the suggestion Stan says; it was supposed to be Kenny's.
 

Xiang

Well-Known Member
I find no description. If there was any, I still wouldn't be able to picture the scene. WTF do the characters look like? Describe. What is the setting? Describe. I didn't bother to read the second chapter, because it's really short for a chapter.

Ratiasu
 

TPMX

Beans backing up...
Here's the deal with my fic. To like it, you need the following:

A good knowledge of South Park
A decent knowledge of Harry Potter
Enjoyment while watching South Park

If you do not meet these requirements, get the fudge out!
 

Yami Ryu

Well-Known Member
The Pikamaster said:
Here's the deal with my fic. To like it, you need the following:

A good knowledge of South Park
A decent knowledge of Harry Potter
Enjoyment while watching South Park

If you do not meet these requirements, get the fudge out!

That doesn't allow you to try to dodge the bullet in making a fic below the standards. If you don't try putting some effort into it and making it less scripty or atleast longer and a bit more quality holding, it probably will be closed by a mod.

-_- do you understand that?

Probably not. As that doesn't follow your three lines of 'reasoning'.
 

PsiUmbreon

Well-Known Member
Here's the deal with this forum: To not get your thread closed, you need the following:

1. Decent writing skills, which would include being able to describe characters and settings.
2. Ability to listen to comments by reviewers.
3. Ability to improve on your chapters based on criticisms by reviewers.

If you do not meet the requirements, then you get the fudge out.
 

billy5772

SENIOR
LOL! This fic is *honk*in' hilarious! I appreciate the south park humor, so I guess I'm bias, but whatever. Keep it up! People talking about description and stuff, yeah, but this fic's genre kinda causes it to transcend normal writing conventions, ya know? Keep up what you got, and keep up what you're doin'. This fic would be totally ruined by, "the boisterous young children toting the armaments of a strange country whose location they knew not now traversed the expanse of land just outside of the FCC's containment facility". RUINED, I SAY! Keep it up!

Awesome lines/scenes:

“Then,” inquired Stan, “why are there a bunch of torture devices and firemen in here?”

The other person said, “Oh, that. We shoot some porno in here.” At that point, a door on the side opens, and a goat, guy in spandex, and Cartman’s mom walks out.

You do a good job of playing on some of the south park conventions like cartman's mom being a *honk*

“Same here,” said the girl. Her name was May, a relatively nice girl, but with breasts that makes it look like she was smuggling balls in her shirt, causing plenty of nerds with no lives to go to forums online to talk about her breasts.

Ha! I saw that picture that was circulating with all the pokemon anime girls in the pool! Good job making fun of that! Oh my gosh, this fic is hilarious.

There were a LOT more instances where I read a scene and laughed genuinely and audibly. I've said it before, but it bears repeating: Keep it up!

P.S. - I think you have the right to charge admission to this fic. If you say a knowledge of South Park is needed to enjoy this fic, then anyone without a knowledge of South Park really can't accurately criticize.
 
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Yami Ryu

Well-Known Member
P.S. - I think you have the right to charge admission to this fic. If you say a knowledge of South Park is needed to enjoy this fic, then anyone without a knowledge of South Park really can't accurately criticize.

You know, maybe you and the author should stfu about that. I watch South Park, but if it was as shoddily done as this fic I wouldn't. If I haven't watched South Park before I wouldn't know what the **** the characters look like, as I haven't seen them really described outside of maybe a few pale attempts at their character depths.

But even that was LACKING IN ATTEMPT.

The authors rules are just lame attempts to dodge the fact he is breaking the rules, or nearly doing so in not attempting to get better, and also add to the fact his rules are not real rules. The rules in the STICKY for Fan Fiction are the true rules.

Would you tell a mod if they came and closed this, and have never seen South Park, to go away and that they had no right to crit it because they know nothing about it?

I'm betting you probably would and would get banned for it.

Using facts that you have seen the show, and others have seen the show, is no shield to hide behind for doing dodgy work. If he can't even do more than a half assed attempt in writing, he shouldn't be posting this here.
 
Okay, it is good storyline wise, I'll give you that. However, you aren't going to get any respect from the more advanced writers with that piece of work.

Description is key, regardless. Doesn't matter what you say, you're not gonna win if you keep this up.

I know South Park, but if I didn't, I wouldn't know what they look like. Also, putting in description makes the fic more enjoyable. It makes the person have an interest in the fic and actually WANT to read it.

I don't respond to such work usually (Because I usually feel like I've wasted my time when I read something like this.) so consider yourself lucky.

Also, I have a tendancy to flame you for your attitude towards doing a fic. It is highly unacceptable.

In other words, work on description or expect this thing to be closed/deleted.
 

billy5772

SENIOR
If I haven't watched South Park before I wouldn't know what the **** the characters look like,

I'm guessing that's why he said having seen the show was a prerequisite for enjoying the fic.

And as a fic for south park watchers, description is just not very necessary. At least not in any more depth than he went. You guys just don't know what else to say. It's like you have a one-track mind that plays that "Description" song over and over and over and over again. What about:

The dialogue
The humor
The plot
THE HUMOR

The authors rules are just lame attempts to dodge the fact he is breaking the rules

I just read the list of rules and he's not breaking the length rule, the rating rule, the content rule, or the multiple threads rule, or the bumping rule, or...well, I'm at a loss as to which major rule he's breaking with this fic? Is it all the swearing?

or nearly doing so in not attempting to get better

I think this fic is already one of the best in its genre. What do you mean by "better"? Oh yeah, MORE DESCRIPTION! -_-

Would you tell a mod if they came and closed this, and have never seen South Park, to go away and that they had no right to crit it because they know nothing about it?

If it were my fic, I would.

Using facts that you have seen the show, and others have seen the show, is no shield to hide behind for doing dodgy work.

"dodgy" in what way? Oh yeah, DESCRIPTION IS 100% OF EVERYTHING.

And is there a rule that says an author can't have optimal settings for his fic? It's like that computer game you buy that says: "Minimum system requirements" and "Optimum system requirements". These are his Optimums:

A good knowledge of South Park
A decent knowledge of Harry Potter
Enjoyment while watching South Park

If you don't get the best out of his fic, it's your own fault. You either need to optimize your system or not complain about things he warned you wouldn't be clear otherwise.
 
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Seijiro Mafuné

Diogomainardista!
Yanno, I think Renegade's angry at something. I mean, there is a limit at the point when you are trying to shut down something because it sucks and when you are trying to shut down something just to shut it down.

Then again, he's probably not getting the jokes.

...

Let me guess, I called her a him, right?
 

TPMX

Beans backing up...
To STFU people saying to explain South Park, here's the Wikipedia entry. If you wish, I'll add what episode I'm referencing as well in the chapters.

I'm trying more description. It's sort of hard, South Park is just construction paper. Now that I'm switching to Pokemon for a while as the major part, I'll try more description.

I have decided that Chapter 5 will not be shown at Serebii. Why? It's more adult and it's not necessary.
 

billy5772

SENIOR
chapter 3 will be here, though, right?

Anyway, dude, your style is good for what your fic is. Some people here don't know any other word besides "description", but don't let them dampen your spirit. And don't try to force-describe anything just because you've been told it's necessary. Take your time with it, and make sure it's appropriate and smooth when you do feel it necessary to throw some extra description in there.
 
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