• Hi all. We have had reports of member's signatures being edited to include malicious content. You can rest assured this wasn't done by staff and we can find no indication that the forums themselves have been compromised.

    However, remember to keep your passwords secure. If you use similar logins on multiple sites, people and even bots may be able to access your account.

    We always recommend using unique passwords and enable two-factor authentication if possible. Make sure you are secure.
  • Be sure to join the discussion on our discord at: Discord.gg/serebii
  • If you're still waiting for the e-mail, be sure to check your junk/spam e-mail folders

Pokemon: Bigger, Longer, and Uncut (NC-17)

Status
Not open for further replies.

TPMX

Beans backing up...
billy5772 said:
chapter 3 will be here, though, right?

Anyway, dude, your style is good for what your fic is. Some people here don't know any other word besides "description", but don't let them dampen your spirit. And don't try to force-describe anything just because you've been told it's necessary. Take your time with it, and make sure it's appropriate and smooth when you do feel it necessary to throw some extra description in there.

Yes, as well as 4. 5 will be at my forums, because we really don't have rules covering content.

I know. Forcing description just wastes time and space. I'll make it more descriptive, but I won't spend paragraphs describing a room. A paragraph or two, tops.
 

Yami Ryu

Well-Known Member
You know, maybe you should stop trying to cut down your help, and actually read my review. This thing lacks in any effort, attempt, or anything (Not just description), to be anything outside of a lame, craptacular fic. There is no heart or soul to it, there's nothing to it. The humor is lacking at best, and you all support the author breaking the rules, not just about description, but content too, because oh, if you've seen South Park, you know what everything is! Well if we've seen south park why would we want to read this ****?

So fine, go ahead, insult me/mock me/whatever me, and continue to break the rules, you'll get this fic closed on your own half assed merits. Why? Because you're trying to replace the reality of the rules with your own...

And it ain't working.
 

billy5772

SENIOR
You know, maybe you should stop trying to cut down your help, and actually read my review.

"cut down" his help? what help have you actually given? You keep saying this fic is crap, but you haven't quoted a single line or given any specific examples on either what's wrong or how to improve. You're basically flaming.

I actually think that this fic is doing comedy very well. Where's the heart and soul to it? What?! It's not a "heart and soul" kind of fic; it's a south park/pokemon mix comedy fic.

So fine, go ahead, insult me/mock me/whatever me, and continue to break the rules,

I'm not trying to say without saying or anything, but what exact rules is he breaking? Maybe if you actually stated them, you'd be of use to this author??? Maybe?
 

Seijiro Mafuné

Diogomainardista!
Ya know, he's right.

Anyway, good job, although let's hope the next chapters have some more plot. And some traditional SP jokes. And more comparisons between Pokémon and Chinpokomon.

[SPOIL]That, and is Cartman gonna turn into an electric-powered shotgun Goku again?[/SPOIL]
 

IceKing

Sexorific!
XD Lines

Pokemon: Bigger, Longer, and Uncut

Chapter One: The Plan is Laid (As Well As Paris Hilton)

"Same here,” said the girl. Her name was May, a relatively nice girl, but with breasts that makes it look like she was smuggling balls in her shirt, causing plenty of nerds with no lives to go to forums online to talk about her breasts.

The other person said, “Oh, that. We shoot some porno in here.” At that point, a door on the side opens, and a goat, guy in spandex, and Cartman’s mom walks out.

“Hi poopieskins!” she said. (GOD*horn* IT!)




“The Eric Cartman Kyle’s A Dirty Jew campaign.”

Watch out, though South Park is known for the racism, mods tend not to be too keen to it.



This fic was quite funny and I think it fit the South Park style PERFECTLY. Even though I only saw two south park episodes, I could already picture their voices perfectly and some of the gags were very true to the game. Whats chinpokomon and why did Ash and May turn in South Park? Im taking you got the whole Anti-FCC thing from that hilarious family guy episode as well. Honestly, I think people need to understand that not ALL fanfictions are meant to be grand and full of description and big words. This fic will just not work with, like Billy said, the boisterous young children toting the armaments of a strange country whose location they knew not now traversed the expanse of land just outside of the FCC's containment facility". And face it, no ones going to read a pokemon fanfiction if they havent watched pokemon, played a pokemon game, or anything of that sort. I think you have the perfect right to keep your fic from being grandiose if its not the style and its not super crappy. Last time I checked, South Park doesnt use beautiful camera shots and intense drama and wins an emmy for best drama.

However, you can flesh the story out a bit more and add a bit more meat into like their travels across Hoenn and killing Ursaring and ect. And try not to be mean to your reviews, especially Renegade. And for the whole arguing thing, guys just take it up in PM to not SPAM his fic
 

TPMX

Beans backing up...
IceKing said:
This fic was quite funny and I think it fit the South Park style PERFECTLY. Even though I only saw two south park episodes, I could already picture their voices perfectly and some of the gags were very true to the game. Whats chinpokomon and why did Ash and May turn in South Park? Im taking you got the whole Anti-FCC thing from that hilarious family guy episode as well. Honestly, I think people need to understand that not ALL fanfictions are meant to be grand and full of description and big words. This fic will just not work with, like Billy said, the boisterous young children toting the armaments of a strange country whose location they knew not now traversed the expanse of land just outside of the FCC's containment facility". And face it, no ones going to read a pokemon fanfiction if they havent watched pokemon, played a pokemon game, or anything of that sort. I think you have the perfect right to keep your fic from being grandiose if its not the style and its not super crappy. Last time I checked, South Park doesnt use beautiful camera shots and intense drama and wins an emmy for best drama.

However, you can flesh the story out a bit more and add a bit more meat into like their travels across Hoenn and killing Ursaring and ect. And try not to be mean to your reviews, especially Renegade. And for the whole arguing thing, guys just take it up in PM to not SPAM his fic

Thank you. You explained the bulk of it in that first paragraph. *bows to you* Let me add, I'm not trying to win jack. I'm just writing what I feel like writing, but not just lame fart jokes (not saying there aren't any).

Fair enough. I'm fleshing out the Ash and May in South Park thing the only way I know how; mush XD. Don't worry, I'll use more than mush, but mush is always good. And this ISN'T a Ship fic. No. It's a keep-this-going-as-long-as-possible fic. Who knows; I might even [SPOIL]make them pair up to fight something![/SPOIL]

Just one thing: If this fic gets closed, the adventure continues at my forum.
 

Redsoxpsyco

SarahPalinClubsSeals
Very hilarious, as was the first chapter. Although, I do have to agree with some of the critics with the detail part, It's not like I don't know what the f*** is going on, but it could use some more detail.
 

TPMX

Beans backing up...
Chapter 3: What Happens In South Park, Stays In South Park

“Hey,” questioned Stan, “where did we send them?” They checked the guns. On the back of them were two dials, one labeled, “Location” and the other, “Status” Both were set to South Park as a location. However, they found that the Status was odd, one said normal, the other….

“Oh my God!” Cartman laughed. “It says, ‘Nude!’ Ha ha ha ha!” He coughed, and then asked, “Who’d we shoot with it?”

We find Ash and May in a brightly-colored tunnel. It was twisting at alarming speeds, almost nauseating just watching. The walls were flashing so much that it would cause more seizures than “Electric Solider Porygon.” Ash is staring blankly at May, who has no clothes on.

“Well,” May screamed, “HELP ME!” Ash just keeps on staring at her. She groans, and as she’s about to reach into her fanny pack (which is, for some reason, not clothes) to get a spare, when they land in snow outside a small town in the wilderness. A giant wooden sign says, “South Park” in big, black print.

"It's...so...cold..." May shivered. "Yeah, I can see it," Ash replied, gazing with luscious eyes into May's nipple. Suddenly, she took note of Ash's perversion. Indignated, May dealt Ash a swift slap on the face. As he rubbed the red spot next to his face, May got dressed in what seems like a parka similar to her normal clothes.

“Now then,” May said, “we’ve been sent to an odd place and we don’t know where we are. You know your place and you’d better remember it.” She sighed heavily. “Guess we should look around this town and find out where we are.”

They start down a slow decent down the hill, reaching the bottom in a short amount of time. They start walking around the streets, staring at the various houses and buildings. They notice that the houses are basically the same, different colors however. Eventually, they reach the business area of South Park (even though the whole place is crap anyway). They are now outside a purple building, a sign reading “Tom’s Rhinoplasty.”

“No way in hell,” Ash sternly said, as May looked up at the sign, eyes full and shining. “Both ends are already big enough, you’ve got a cute face, you’re basically perfect.” May looked at Ash, blushing hard. Ash realized what he said and he blushed as well.

May asked, “Do you really mean that?” He replied by saying, “Well, it’s not a lie. You are pretty. Why do you think I was looking at your boobs earlier?” Slap number 2.

They continue walking, Ash rubbing his new sore spot. They past by the post office, the movie theater (Ash wanted to see “Asses of Fire,” but May made him think better, in the form of a threat), and eventually they reach South Park Elementary. A light in the school is on, showing the silhouette of a masculine woman. The couple goes in to ask her where they are.

“Uh, what did you say?”

Look, I can say what I want Ash, I’m the writer. Now, get your asses in that building!

The halls were dark, winding, and the smell of cow crap is everywhere. That seems proper anyway, since a time-honored tradition is lighting turds on fire. The whole place seems like the Board of Education shamed this place. Ash and May worked their way through until they found the lighted classroom.

Inside they either found the ugliest woman alive or a cross-dresser with man boobs. His name was Ms. Garrison, a teacher that used to be a gay man, but got a sex change. He was grading papers when May and Ash came barging in.

“Hello, Kenny, nice new parka,” she said. “And who’s your new friend?” It took May and Ash to register that she was talking to them, due to their denseness. “I was just about to go down to the bar,” Ms. Garrison stated, “and if you wanted to come, you can. I want to see if you can beat your record of 14 bottles before passing out! Your friend can get some too.”

May is just about to reply to her, but Ash immediately claps his hand on her mouth and whispered, “Look, this lady thinks we can drink beer. You must resemble some person she drinks with, and she said I can have beer too. Let’s go.”

“I don’t know…” May whimpered, “Don't bad things happening when you get drunk?” Ash responded, “You get laid. I’m all up for that. Now you tell her OK!”

May mumbled agreement, and said OK to Ms. Garrison. They started walking towards the bar, walking along the main street again, and they found the bar. It was a simple building, with “BEER” on a sign. Slowly, the hot girl and hard-head boy walk in. Quicker than R Kelly to an underage girl, Ms. Garrison sprinted in.




I tried more description. If it's not enough, I'll try some more.

Episode References:

Mr. Garrison's Fancy New Vagina
Tom's Rhinoplasty

Quick Note: The original idea for this chapter was May and Ash realized they could do anything, since they were out of a kid's show and into South Park. Eventually the FCC captured and arrested them, since May uttered a swear. I changed before the Tom's Rhinoplasty paragraph.

This is NOT an Advanceshipping fic. In fact, the original title was "Just Because There's Advanceshipping Doesn't Make It an Advanceshipping Fic" For all you anti-Advancers, you'll be happy somewhere around Chapter 9.

Interesting Fact: At the end, I noticed the first slap May gives Ash was the most described paragraph in the whole thing.
 

Seijiro Mafuné

Diogomainardista!
Oh-kay... I read some stuff about Ms. Garrison, but I'm not keen on the details, so, if you'd please explain on an off-post?

Also, Ash's less stupider than I thought.
 

spideyjvc

<--Kitty farts
Wow...well you improved on details...but you still need some more detail, like for Ms.Garrison, I know how he-I mean she looks, but if someone didn't know south park they wouldn't know...
It's okay...
“No way in hell,” Ash sternly said, as May looked up at the sign, eyes full and shining. “Both ends are already big enough, you’ve got a cute face, you’re basically perfect.” May looked at Ash, blushing hard. Ash realized what he said and he blushed as well.

May asked, “Do you really mean that?” He replied by saying, “Well, it’s not a lie. You are pretty. Why do you think I was looking at your boobs earlier?” Slap number 2.

seems like Love Hina...ALOT XD
 

TPMX

Beans backing up...
Seijiro Mafuné said:
Oh-kay... I read some stuff about Ms. Garrison, but I'm not keen on the details, so, if you'd please explain on an off-post?

Also, Ash's less stupider than I thought.

OK. Well, he was Mr. Garrison. At the beginning of South Park, he was a teacher who barely taught anything of important (why Hare Kirstanes were gay, saying Oprah had huge knockers, etc.) Half-way, he came out of the closet and got fired. When the other teacher died, he came back with his assistant Mr. Slave. After a while, he just wanted a sex change.

Beer IS stupid.
 

billy5772

SENIOR
Cool chapter. Not as funny as the previous ones, but funny nonetheless. There's a lot of tense inconsistency in this chapter. For instance, sometimes you'll start a sentence in past-tense and end it in future or present.

Here's one example of that:

The halls were dark, winding, and the smell of cow crap is everywhere.

either both present, or both past. Like:

The halls were dark, and winding, and the smell of cow crap was everywhere.

I really think past-tense works better with a narrative. You might want to try and switch over to all past. Well, anyway, I can see you added some description, so good job with that.

Cya.
 

IceKing

Sexorific!
"It's...so...cold..." May shivered. "Yeah, I can see it," Ash replied, gazing with luscious eyes into May's nipple.

XD...that...is...so...wrong...XD. Why is she nude again?

“I don’t know…” May whimpered, “Don't bad things happening when you get drunk?” Ash responded, “You get laid. I’m all up for that. Now you tell her OK!”

Thats my Ash!



Descriptions kinda better but its not exactly brilliant either. You could use a bit more. This chapter was funny as well (heh, may nude...) but Im really confused as to whats going on. All I remember is May and Ash tattle on South Park kids who get captured by FCC and then escape and then do something with may and ash...what exactly is going on? Try and make your plot a bit more clear
 

TPMX

Beans backing up...
Seijiro Mafuné said:
Her clothes were melted by the gun. Or something.

Off-topic post again:

Remember how the guns were stolen from the FCC, and they shot porno? This was a way just for express. The main thing is transportation, but why not add a little something for the movie?

Tense: I realize that. I've BEEN realizing that. I'll make sure it's all past.

I realize it wasn't as funny, but it's not intentioned to be. The next chapter, full of drunk fun, should be.

Chapter 5 is, of course, not here.

Chapter 6 returns to South Park...not the town, the kids.
 

Eszett

one love
Work on your grammar and descriptions. It's improving, but the story still feels rather slipshod.
 

TPMX

Beans backing up...
Chapter 4: Drink, Drink, Drink, Drink!

As they entered, they whiffed the odd air of Cheetos, crap, and stale thong. “Quick question,” asked Ash. “Was Britney Spears ever in here?” Ms. Garrison replied, “Actually, she was here yesterday. She gave out her perfume; that’s why it smells.”

“And the crap?” questioned May.

“It’s a bar. What do you think?”

Ash and May took in their surroundings. At the front was a fairly simple bar, with beer on tap, glasses, and a few wine bottles. The barman was a balding blond man with a button-down shirt. On the barstools were men wearing either button-downs or cowboy shirts, with slacks and boots. They were transfixed on the television, which was playing the Broncos game. The walls were covered with signs about beer and pennants. They were singing a peculiar song.

The Beer Song

As Ms. Garrison and the two minors got closer, the barman opened his eyes and dropped his glass. He knew he would get at least a thousand today, with his two heaviest drinkers coming in. He cleared a spot by knocking a drunk out of the way. He was already dead from alcohol poisoning anyway.

“Hello there, Ms. Garrison,” the barman replied, “and same to you Kenny.” He looked over and nodded to Ms. Garrison and May. That’s when he noticed Ash between them. “Sorry sir, but I’ll need to see some ID to make sure you’re the 16 year old requirement.”

Ash responded, “Isn’t it 21 in the United States?” The barman, panicky, whispered to him, “Don’t mention I said that, and I’ll pretend you’re 21.” He calmed down and said to all of them, “What’ll you have?”

“Hmmmm,” wondered Ms. Garrison, “I guess I’ll have a Cosmo, and start the kids with a Samuel Adams in a drinking glass.” At that point, a man dressed in shorts, a vest, a rather old fashioned shirt appeared to the right of them, and said, “Samuel Adams, always a good decision!”

Beer 1

“Are you ready?” asked Ash, looking at his foaming glass of Sam Adams. “I guess so,” came May’s quivering voice. They took a huge gulp and finished in about 5 seconds. They let the taste settle, and then May asked, “Do you feel anything? I just have a bad taste in my mouth.”

Ash, with a bit of a scrunch to his face due to the beer, said, “Nope. It’s very sour, isn’t it? And it isn’t the best taste in the world. What do you say, cranky talking bird?”

“Yep, I got nothin’,” replied the imaginary bird. “This beer is bullshit. Let me try a bit more.” The bird gulps down some imaginary beer. “OH YEAH, THAT”S THE GOOD SHIT!”

Beer 2

Our two inebriated heroes were in the corner of the bar, playing a game on an ancient Magnovox. They were, surprisingly, playing the Chinpokomon video game, with special Chinpokomon game controllers. They seemed to be having fun, but you’re always having fun when you’re drunk.

The game said, “What is primary main objective?” They replied, “We don’t know!” As they bombed the harbor, the guy behind them, watching them play, got a seizure. Good thing too, because he was a pedophile.

Beer 3

Ash and May were on the stage. The karaoke machine was right next to them. They asked the bartender to load up the most unlikely song ever to be sung by Ash and May, “What is Love.” This should be fun.

What is love…baby don’t hurt me…don’t hurt me…no more…
What is love…baby don’t hurt me…don’t hurt me…no more…
What is love…baby don’t hurt me…don’t hurt me…no more…


At this point, May took the microphone out of Ash’s hand. As he rubbed his hand, May continued the singing.

Whoa ooh whoa ooh whoa uh, ooh whoa ooh whao ooh uh, ooooh woah!

At this point, May zipped open the parka, revealing a negligee of light lavender. She was wearing a bra and underwear of the same color. How a girl like her get a negligee is beyond anyone. Everyone was hooping and hollering. “Kenny looks a bit different,” said Ms. Garrison, on her 4th Cosmo.

Beer 4

(cannot be shown at SPPF, only avaliable at Pokeman Forums or May Fanatic)

Beer, uh, 6.

“Hey baby,” said Ash, one eye drooping, talking to May, “how you doing? You wanna come with me home in my Mercedes?” It was apparent Ash had reached the severe stage of drunk; thinking he can pick up chicks. But apparently he could with drunken chicks, because May replied, “OK, hot stuff.”

They walked out the bar, hand in hand (but drunk, so I don’t get beat up). They walked to the parking lot, where all kinds of SUVs were found, obviously no Mercedes out there. They walked around for about a half-hour until they reached a green Land Rover. Ash was searching his person, May getting more annoyed each second.

“Shit,” Ash whispered, “I can’t find my keys.” He turned to May, “Look, I’m gonna bust through the window! That’s what the cool people do!” And, sure enough, he punched through the window. The window shattered, but Ash blacked out due to sharp glass in his hand. It got very dark…

(cannot be shown at SPPF, only avaliable at Pokeman Forums or May Fanatic)

NOTE: I seriously can't show the censored parts on a R-fic.

References

Chinpokomon
 
Actually, Pikamaster, you might be a bit surprised by how far we are actually allowed to take things. The mods do accept NC-17 like material, as long as it's done as if you were a professional writer.

I once had a really stupid idea to see just how far Serebii would allow such bad material to be taken, but decided to drop it, believing it was not worth it.

If you really want to make sure your material is allowed, send it to a mod.

As long as the mods accept, there's nothing anyone can do about it. :)
 

TPMX

Beans backing up...
pokeplayer984 said:
Actually, Pikamaster, you might be a bit surprised by how far we are actually allowed to take things. The mods do accept NC-17 like material, as long as it's done as if you were a professional writer.

There. If you want, you can go see the unrated parts at May Fanatic or Pokeman Forums. You have to join though.
 

Redsoxpsyco

SarahPalinClubsSeals
It's as funny, creative and entertaining as the last one, keep up the good work pika.
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Top