Chapter 4: Drink, Drink, Drink, Drink!
As they entered, they whiffed the odd air of Cheetos, crap, and stale thong. “Quick question,” asked Ash. “Was Britney Spears ever in here?” Ms. Garrison replied, “Actually, she was here yesterday. She gave out her perfume; that’s why it smells.”
“And the crap?” questioned May.
“It’s a bar. What do you think?”
Ash and May took in their surroundings. At the front was a fairly simple bar, with beer on tap, glasses, and a few wine bottles. The barman was a balding blond man with a button-down shirt. On the barstools were men wearing either button-downs or cowboy shirts, with slacks and boots. They were transfixed on the television, which was playing the Broncos game. The walls were covered with signs about beer and pennants. They were singing a peculiar song.
The Beer Song
As Ms. Garrison and the two minors got closer, the barman opened his eyes and dropped his glass. He knew he would get at least a thousand today, with his two heaviest drinkers coming in. He cleared a spot by knocking a drunk out of the way. He was already dead from alcohol poisoning anyway.
“Hello there, Ms. Garrison,” the barman replied, “and same to you Kenny.” He looked over and nodded to Ms. Garrison and May. That’s when he noticed Ash between them. “Sorry sir, but I’ll need to see some ID to make sure you’re the 16 year old requirement.”
Ash responded, “Isn’t it 21 in the United States?” The barman, panicky, whispered to him, “Don’t mention I said that, and I’ll pretend you’re 21.” He calmed down and said to all of them, “What’ll you have?”
“Hmmmm,” wondered Ms. Garrison, “I guess I’ll have a Cosmo, and start the kids with a Samuel Adams in a drinking glass.” At that point, a man dressed in shorts, a vest, a rather old fashioned shirt appeared to the right of them, and said, “Samuel Adams, always a good decision!”
Beer 1
“Are you ready?” asked Ash, looking at his foaming glass of Sam Adams. “I guess so,” came May’s quivering voice. They took a huge gulp and finished in about 5 seconds. They let the taste settle, and then May asked, “Do you feel anything? I just have a bad taste in my mouth.”
Ash, with a bit of a scrunch to his face due to the beer, said, “Nope. It’s very sour, isn’t it? And it isn’t the best taste in the world. What do you say, cranky talking bird?”
“Yep, I got nothin’,” replied the imaginary bird. “This beer is bull
shit. Let me try a bit more.” The bird gulps down some imaginary beer. “OH YEAH, THAT”S THE GOOD SH
IT!”
Beer 2
Our two inebriated heroes were in the corner of the bar, playing a game on an ancient Magnovox. They were, surprisingly, playing the Chinpokomon video game, with special Chinpokomon game controllers. They seemed to be having fun, but you’re always having fun when you’re drunk.
The game said, “What is primary main objective?” They replied, “We don’t know!” As they bombed the harbor, the guy behind them, watching them play, got a seizure. Good thing too, because he was a pedophile.
Beer 3
Ash and May were on the stage. The karaoke machine was right next to them. They asked the bartender to load up the most unlikely song ever to be sung by Ash and May, “What is Love.” This should be fun.
What is love…baby don’t hurt me…don’t hurt me…no more…
What is love…baby don’t hurt me…don’t hurt me…no more…
What is love…baby don’t hurt me…don’t hurt me…no more…
At this point, May took the microphone out of Ash’s hand. As he rubbed his hand, May continued the singing.
Whoa ooh whoa ooh whoa uh, ooh whoa ooh whao ooh uh, ooooh woah!
At this point, May zipped open the parka, revealing a negligee of light lavender. She was wearing a bra and underwear of the same color. How a girl like her get a negligee is beyond anyone. Everyone was hooping and hollering. “Kenny looks a bit different,” said Ms. Garrison, on her 4th Cosmo.
Beer 4
(cannot be shown at SPPF, only avaliable at Pokeman Forums or May Fanatic)
Beer, uh, 6.
“Hey baby,” said Ash, one eye drooping, talking to May, “how you doing? You wanna come with me home in my Mercedes?” It was apparent Ash had reached the severe stage of drunk; thinking he can pick up chicks. But apparently he could with drunken chicks, because May replied, “OK, hot stuff.”
They walked out the bar, hand in hand (but drunk, so I don’t get beat up). They walked to the parking lot, where all kinds of SUVs were found, obviously no Mercedes out there. They walked around for about a half-hour until they reached a green Land Rover. Ash was searching his person, May getting more annoyed each second.
“Sh
it,” Ash whispered, “I can’t find my keys.” He turned to May, “Look, I’m gonna bust through the window! That’s what the cool people do!” And, sure enough, he punched through the window. The window shattered, but Ash blacked out due to sharp glass in his hand. It got very dark…
(cannot be shown at SPPF, only avaliable at Pokeman Forums or May Fanatic)
NOTE: I seriously can't show the censored parts on a R-fic.
References
Chinpokomon