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Pokemon: Bigger, Longer, and Uncut (NC-17)

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Redsoxpsyco

SarahPalinClubsSeals
Umm, Pika, I understand that apparently you have ALOT of work to do, but you're online alot, you seem to have some time on your hands. Have you even attempted to work on this? This fic too damn good, you're not leaving us hanging :D.
 

TPMX

Beans backing up...
Sorry guys. With a girlfriend, MapleStory, video games, school and such, I haven't had time. But here ya go.

Chapter 8: Wonderballs

Uhh…bad pie…Oh, hey guys. How’s it going? Good. Now…where were we? Mmm, oh yeah! The flying ball, and Pikachu swearing…and a big gun. OK. Thanks.

As the Pokeball flew through the sky, ignoring all laws of physics, we now go inside the ball to investigate what is all the hubbub going on. All the boys from South Park are standing in an mostly empty room made of brick All that there was in the room is a plasma TV “rescued” from Hurricane Katrina. The boys were all staring angrily at Cartman.

“Nice going fatass,” Kyle remarked, “you just got us in a whole bunch of trouble.” Cartman then walked up to Kyle and punched him in the face. “There. Now you see what I can do when we’re off cable television.” At that point, the plasma turned on and a mysterious figure was shown on the screen.

“Hello,” it said in a deep and evil voice, “we’re going to play a little game. The ceiling has spikes, and in 60 seconds, I will drop the ceiling, killing all of you. However, there is a safe spot where the spikes will not touch you, but only three of you can fit. Let the game begin.” At that point spikes did indeed come out of the ceiling, but none of the boys moved. Kyle went up to the screen and said clearly, “Five bucks says you don’t.” The figure jumped and said, “OOH! Yeah! Gimme gimme!” Then the room dissolved around them and they all fell.

They landed on a soft patch of snow in the mountains of South Park. Apparently the Pokeball fired right at Colorado. “Sweet dude, we’re back!” Stan exclaimed, “Now to find those assholes who made the FCC come after us!” Stan, Kyle, and Kenny started to go, but Cartman was kneeling in the snow, groaning. He then let out a gigantic fart. And if you’re asking, no, that had nothing to do with the story.

“Aw, dude! Did you have to do that?” Stan complained. Cartman got up slowly, cleaned off his knees of any snow, and walked over to the guys. “Okay guys, I’m cool. Let’s go before they find us again.” He let out a squeaky flatulence and they all went down Main Street to go to the police station at the end of the road. We’ll get back to them later, as we’ll go check in with our little naughty couple in the station now.

Officer Barbrady was outside doing what he does best; absolutely nothing. “Hmm, I wonder if those kids are okay…” he said, “I mean, this is JUST a penny. Not like a nickel. Nickels would keep me occupied, because of the shininess.” He sighed. “The last nickel I got was from doing that favor underneath the mayor’s desk. Anyway, might as well go back in.”

He went to the door and turned the knob. He walked in and looked into the cell with May and Ash in it. They were still on the floor panting and wet and (insert moist verb or adjective here). Barbrady looked for about 5 seconds and started to shudder. His shakes were heard by May and Ash and they looked up, noticing Barbrady standing there. They both looked horrified and tried to find their clothes.

They scrambled into each other about five times and noticed they were wearing each other’s clothes, and May said, “Give me my clothes Ash!” Ash shooed her and replied, “No way. This is totally slimming my body down.” May gave him a pimp slap and they switched clothes. They then went to deal with the problem at hand; Barbrady.

Before they could say anything, Officer Barbrady starting speaking. “Listen, children…I could get in serious trouble for seeing what you just did. So we’ll make a deal, fine?” he questioned. Ash and May looked at each other and nodded, then motioned for Barbrady to continue speaking. “Okay, now let’s see here. If you promise not to tell anyone about this little incident, I’ll clear your arrest record of this grand theft auto thing and let you off.”

Ash and May couldn’t believe it. They could get off, have a clean record, and do the naughty in the sack all at once! They looked at each other again, and May said, “Deal. Now let us out.” Barbrady got the keys and unlocked the cell door, then took the two’s arrest record and shredded it. “OK, so we’re all clear,” he said panicky. “Now go…I need to think.”

They went for the door, May about to reach the handle, when Ash grabbed her arm and decided to ask her something. May looked confused, and Ash said, “Listen, now that we had sex…and we’re not going to die, either on death row or our parents…I wanted to know, umm…” He blushed hard, and muttered something.

“What was that Ash?” May asked. He said, in barely a wisp of a sound, “Would you like to go steady?” May looked at Ash, then laughed heartily. Ash was heartbroken. “Sorry Ash,” she said, “It was just because I thought I’d never live to see the moment I’d lose my virginity! No way!” She walked off, and Ash collapsed. He then yelled, “WHY GOD!” Ash then heard a voice in his head.

“My son…shut the hell up. I have marital problems of my own. By the way my son…do you have any Viagra?

Next up-Chapter 9: More Surprising Than Ryan Secreast Kissing Teri Hatcher
 

Redsoxpsyco

SarahPalinClubsSeals
XD, I see all that time between chapters hasn't affected your writing at all. It's still hilarious!
“My son…shut the hell up. I have marital problems of my own. By the way my son…do you have any Viagra?
Great finishing line!
 

Vickizzle

Mrs. Inuzuka ♥
Wow... hrm, nice fanfic, hun. ^^'
 
So that's it, huh? :) May only had sex with Ash becuase and I quote,
It was just because I thought I’d never live to see the moment I’d lose my virginity!

So now I see why it's not an Advanceshipping story. You know, in a way, you just gave a bad name to Advanceshipping, and a hater of such a ship as myself loves nothing more than that. ^_^

I can't wait to see what Chapter 9 will bring. Hope you have it up soon.

See ya later. ^_^
 

TPMX

Beans backing up...
pokeplayer984 said:
So that's it, huh? :) May only had sex with Ash becuase and I quote,

So now I see why it's not an Advanceshipping story. You know, in a way, you just gave a bad name to Advanceshipping, and a hater of such a ship as myself loves nothing more than that. ^_^

I can't wait to see what Chapter 9 will bring. Hope you have it up soon.

See ya later. ^_^

Actually, I'll give a bad name to every ship. Let's put it this way; just like South Park, almost every girl is a sl*t. XD And don't worry your pretty head, Pokeshipping will never get far thanks to May's psychoness.
 

TPMX

Beans backing up...
Hey guys. This is the last chapter. I'm writing an epilogue and then stop writing this. I want to write another fanfiction and this will come back as www.pokemonblu.com (not a website, the name of the story) sometime. DO NOT MOVE IT NOW. IT IS STILL NOT COMPLETED.

Chapter 9: Everything is Better in Slow Motion

Stan, Kyle, and Cartman continue to walk down the street. “Guys,” Stan said, “is it me or is this the slowest walk ever?” The other two nodded, and started to walk at a normal pace. In about 5 seconds they reached the police station, but as they reached for the door, something distracted them. Not too far from their right was what looked like an orange blob coming towards them. Oh wait, my glasses aren’t on…it’s Kenny.

“Hey guys, I’m back!” he mumbled excitably, “aren’t you surprised?” They all looked at each other and decided to humor Kenny. “Uh, sure Kenny,” Cartman said, “whatever you say. Come on, we’re going to report those guys who caused this whole confusing piece of crap.” Kenny nodded and they all turned the door. However, at the same time a black hole opened up between them and the door.

A weird yellow liquid started to pour out of it. No, not that kind of liquid you disgusting freak. Two black yolks dripped out of the hole, and upon closer inspection, it was Pikachu. “Okay, I may be pee, but I can still kick your asses for poking me with a stick!” That’s when he started to move and drain down to the sewer. “Oh goddamnit! I’ll get you fucckkeerrsss…” Slightly weirded out, they went for the doorknob again.

“Stan!” Stan turned around and saw his dad. “Oh goddamnit, stop with all the suspense!” Cartman yelled. He shot Stan’s dad and, with a mortified Stan, turned the knob. However, it wouldn’t open. Apparently something was happening on the other side of the door, and the knob was being held.

May had her hand on the knob looking at a sobbing Ash. “Stop being a wimp Ash,” she said gruffly. “Be a man! Why’d you think I didn’t want to take this relationship seriously?” Ash wiped his eyes on his shirt and through stifled sobs said, “Serious? We just did it.” He started to yell, “WE JUST FUCKING DID IT ON A NASTY JAIL FLOOR AND YOU DON’T THINK THAT’S SERIOUS?” May started to back away slowly, pushing the door open. Officer Barbrady hid under his desk.

May tripped over, as she did not expect the door to actually open. She fell onto Kenny face first, Kenny getting a faceful of preteen boob. He mumbled to the others, “Uhh….am I supposed to be liking this?” He takes advantage of it and starts fondling her tits. May…”humbly” responded to this by taking a huge axe and chopping Kenny in half. Very quickly Kyle said, “Oh my God, you killed Kenny, you bastards. Anyway, you’re going to pay for sending the FCC after us!” Cartman, Kyle, and Stan all point their teleport guns at May.

Ash looked up from his wimpy whining and saw May in trouble. In classic slow motion he got up and ran towards the door. Stan looked over and yelled to the other two, “Why is everyone walking in slow motion today!” Ash, as he reached the door, jumped in the hair and flew in front of May, yelling “NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!” Not soon after that, he fell on his face on the floor. May looked angry and said dejectedly, “Ash, you suck.”

The South Park boys all cocked their guns, Kenny borrowing one from Kyle. They looked at May, half-frightened, half-angry, looking as about to attack but unsure if it’s smart. Then they looked at the sobbing pile in front of May called Ash, mumbling something about being stupid for ever falling for May. “Well you seizure-causing bitches, what do you have to say now?” said Cartman. May sighed and slowly said, “Well...to be honest I don’t know.” The boys looked at her puzzled.

She continued. “After going through all this, I believe that I have been stupid and mean. I did not believe simply calling the FCC about a television show would cause all this. We killed your friend, who somehow came back to life. We don’t know where the hell our Pokemon are, and Ash and I no longer have our virginity with us. It’s been a very, very confusing day.”

She took a breath and talked a little louder. “After all of this I think I’ve learned something today. Actually a few things. One, censoring is for fools and there’s no point to the FCC. If you don’t like something on television, just turn it off.” Kyle looked at her angrily. “Two, you can do crazy things at certain times, but it’s better to keep your head cool, or you’ll do something stupid.” Ash looked up at her and smiled. Kyle put his finger on his trigger. “And three, making someone else feel bad to make yourself feel better is just wrong, because that’s bullying.”

Kyle looked extraordinarily angry and yelled at the top of his lungs, “SAY GOODNIGHT, BITCH!” He shot her and Ash together and another black hole opened up, sending both of them back to whence they came. “Kyle, what the hell did you do that for!” Stan shouted. Kyle shouted back, “They stole what I was supposed to say!” He folded his arms.

Stan looked at Kyle, then Cartman, and Kenny. “Well guys,” he said calmly, “we’ve been through a lot. I think we should all go home, get some snacks, and come to my house. We’ll all watch Asses of Fire tonight.” Everyone smiled and they went for the door. “Hey guys,” Cartman said, “I’m going to bring some Cheesy Poofs. Cheesy Poofs kick ass.” They all shut the door behind them.

Officer Barbrady came out of his hiding place under the desk. “Oh thank bejesus I survived that,” he said, wiping his forehead of sweat. “Plus,” he said as he pulled out his shiny two pennies, “I have two new pennies!” However, out of nowhere, something yellow seeped from the ceiling. It dripped on Barbrady’s desk and materialized into a yellow rat. “Give me those!” Pikachu yelled, taking Barbrady’s pennies. He took on a Macgyver voice and said, “If I take these pennies, stick this metal rod in here, plus an old granny wig and charge it up…I’ll be able to go back!” He took his device and shocked it.

The two pennies started to turn yellow, and the electricity went up the metal rod into the granny wig. The wig caught on fire. “Damn!” he yelled. Then a black hole showed up across the room. Pikachu laughed and jumped into it, dropping his device. The hole melted away slowly, then when it disappeared…it crapped its pants.

Barbrady looked at his two pennies on the ground, shriveled up into something worse…souvenir pennies. “NO!” he yelled, “YOU DAMN DIRTY APES! IT WAS EARTH ALL ALONG!” He sobbed.

Crapping thing: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Something_Wal-Mart_This_Way_Comes
 

Redsoxpsyco

SarahPalinClubsSeals
*applause* As always, very well written, and hilarious...I wish I had more to say, but I'm not exactly an expert critic XD.
 

Seijiro Mafuné

Diogomainardista!
Heh, that was quite funny, really. I didn't get why Kenny revived so fast, but eh. And May was... I dunno. Hilariously hideously wicked?
 
LOL! Incredibly funny, even if some things are a little unrealistic. I don't really understand how Pikachu became a basic liquid goo, but I don't care. :)

I can't believe it! Ash and May got shot! 0_0

There will always be that speech of "You don't like it? Turn it off!" deal being ignored due to people who want nothing but "good" programs on TV. The ignorance of people these days. :rolleyes:

Good chapter. Hope the epilouge is good. ^_^

Well, see ya later. :)
 

TPMX

Beans backing up...
Thanks for all the praise guys.

pokeplayer984 said:
I don't really understand how Pikachu became a basic liquid goo, but I don't care. :)

Too bad, I'm telling you anyway. A black hole pulls things into another galaxy or maybe another dimension, but it stretches atoms to do so. I used this to turn Pikachu into a mysterious yellow liquid. I was thinking maybe some other shape, but good ol' yellow liquid is great.

Also, Kenny revives himself every episode of South Park. I just felt like reviving him.
 

TPMX

Beans backing up...
I'm going on vacation guys. I'll log in, but this fic is over. Closes in two weeks.

Epilogue: It's The Best Part, Because It Ended

The world was at peace. After the little adventure they had gone through, Stan, Kyle, Kenny, and Cartman saw Asses of Fire and caused World War III, blah blah blah, watch the South Park movie. I’m not spoiling anything more.

Ash and May met up with Max and Brock not long after being sent back to the Pokemon world. They both decided they’d keep it a secret of what they did for now. However, a small leak about what happened did occur a few weeks afterwards.

Everybody was eating their lunch in the middle of a forest. May scraped the last of her food off the plate and looked to the right. A black figure was moving towards them. May stared at it until she could see properly who it was. It was a teenage with orange hair and a chest smaller than May’s. Feeling elated because of this, because she felt that way every time Misty came around, she walked up and said, “Hi Misty!”

Misty ignored her, leaving May in a very annoyed state. She went over to Ash’s side, him just finishing his plate, and said, “Hi. How are you Ash?” He nodded and said, “Fine. It’s nice to see you again!” Misty looked hard and said, “I wanted to tell you something. After these 10 years which we’ve all stayed the same age somehow, I finally realized how good a person you are. I was staring at my ceiling a few days ago and just noticed this. What I’m trying to say, is that I love you…” She leaned in for a kiss, and Ash just sat shocked.

Out of nowhere, a giant hammer hit Misty on the head and crushed her on the ground, May was holding it, looking mad. “Never! Come! Back! Here! Again! You! Whore!” she said between swings. When she stopped, there was only a bloody mass underneath her. Max and Brock stood up and went over to Misty, and Ash looked shiftily at May and gave her a look that said, “You still do, huh?” May just said, “Not this time, lover boy. I just hate her,” and smiled.

Well, that’s the end of this story for now. It’s been a pleasure narrating for you. Now if you’ll excuse me, I need a taco, some Pepsi, and 6 rolls of toilet paper.
 
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