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Pokemon Champion League

Discussion in 'Shipping Fics' started by lance+cynthia, Jan 6, 2008.

  1. lance+cynthia

    lance+cynthia Well-Known Member

    Rated:T for swearing,Kissing,blood and things like that.

    pairings: pearlshipping,lance/cynthia,drew/zoey,may/kenny,brock/honoka

    at lab:grotle

    ash's pokemon: pikachu,staravia,chimchar,buizel,riolu,

    dawn's pokemon: prinplup,aibipom,bunery,pachirisu,

    zoey's pokemon:misdreavas,glameow,(pink)shellos,

    brock's pokemon:sudowodo,happiny,crogunk,

    chapter 1:return to johto.

    (T.v. battle)

    ''And paul loses the battle and champion cynthia remains the champ of shinno ''said the t.v. annoccer.

    (T.v battle end's)

    ''wow cynthia's still champion ''said ash looking at the t.v. in the ketchum residents,well dawn,zoey and brock look at him with amused smiles and pikachu looks happy.

    (delia smiles from the kitchen)

    *knock knock*

    ''hey someone's at the door'' commented dawn

    ''pi pika chu ''said pikachu as he and ash ran to the door.

    *ash opens the door to see prof oak*

    ''hello ash ''said prof oak

    ''hey proffeser ''said ash and he stood aside so that the proffeser coud come in.

    ''ash I just got word from gary that there's a new league ''said prof oak''the johto league''(not the conferance)

    ''you need to earn all of the johto badges again to enter the winner faces the elite 4 of johto,you're choice who,and if you win you could be in the elite 4 ''said prof oak.

    ''wow ''said ash as the other's walked to him.

    ''another journey'' asked zoey.

    ''ya ''said ash''to johto''and brock looked at him surprised.

    ''back to johto ''said brock''why''

    ''so I can win the johto league and get into the elite 4 ''said ash

    ''cha ''said pikachu hopping on ash's sholder.

    ''well I've never been to johto so lets go'' said dawn and zoey nodded.

    ''well we can take a boat to blackthorn so I can challenge clair(again) ''said ash and he looked at prof oak.

    ''I'm taking my shinno pokemon with me ''said ash''grotle can stay'' and prof oak nodded before leaving.

    ''mom I'm heading to johto tommorow ok'' said ash

    ''ok ash ''called delia smiling to herself.

    The next day....

    Ash,zoey,brock,dawn and pikachu were on a boat to blackthorn.

    ''wow I wonder what type of pokemon we'll all get ''said dawn happily.

    ''glameow ''said glameow looking up at zoey.

    ''well glameow's ready ''said zoey smiling.

    ''Hey I wonder if lance is their'' said ash.

    ''lance Champion of the kanto and johto elite 4 ''said dawn surprised''you know him''.

    ''yes'' said brock''his sister clair lives here''

    ''wow that's so cool'' said dawn and zoey nodded.

    ''ya but you battled clair before ''said zoey''so this time it'll be a breeze''[she was smiling]

    ''pika ''said pikachu as the boat pulled into harbor.

    ''yes ''said ash''time to win''and he and the others[with pikachu,glameow was in her pokeball]ran to the center of the city,were there were battles,gym leaders from all regions,champions and elite 4's.

    ''wow ''said ash[pikachu was on his hat/head]zoey and the other's stood beside him.

    ''come on ''stated ash as they walked down the hill,they stared at all the trainers and gym leaders.

    ''pika ''said pikachu looking at everyone.

    ''sure is a turn out eh ''asked brock.

    ''yes ''said dawn''hey meybe kohei is here''

    ''ya'' said ash''and honoka''and brock sighed.

    ''honoka hates me'' said brock and dawn looked suprised.

    ''that's tough brock ''said ash sighing

    ''anyway'' started zoey

    But 3 kidsz(l6 each)walked up to them,one is karen,one is paul and one is vincent.

    ''what do we have here ''commented karen''four twerpos''

    ''watch it karen ''said zoey shakly'or else''

    ''whatcha gonna do whats the baby gonna do ''snarled paul and vincent laughed.

    ''I'LL TELL YA WHAT I'M GONNA DO IN A MINUTE ''shouted ash lunging forward but a pair of arms yanked him back,ash was struggling against the grip.

    ''ash calm down ''said lance looking at ash,ash stop trying to break free and shot a glare at karen,paul and vincent .

    ''lance they.. ''started ash as lance released his grip on ash.

    ''they do it all the time'' said lance''don't worry about it''and ash looked at him and smiled with the others,a riolu was on lances sholder.

    ''rio lu ri ''stated the riolu looking at him.

    ''nice riolu lance ''said brock

    ''is it you'rs ''asked dawn and lance nodded

    ''thats dawn ''said ash pointing to dawn,and dawn waved.

    ''hey zoey ''said lance''how's my younger sis doing''

    ''you're lances sister ''said ash,brock and dawn.

    ''er ya ''said zoey''im from blackthorn''

    ''wow!!!''said ash''anyway I'm taking the johto challenge again and get into the actual league''and lance smiled.

    ''great ash hope you win ''said lance nodding

    ''lu ''said riolu happily

    End of chapter 1

    please do not delete or close I worked very hard on this chapter.
  2. JB239874

    JB239874 I'm back, baby!


    Ok. Review time.
    1)Write with capital letters! It makes it so much neater and easier to read. For examp;e

    See? So much neater.(Sheesh, that took ages.)
    2)Stop making so many grammar mistakes! For example:

    And many more.

    Other than that, it is a good first chapter with a good plot.
  3. Encyclopika

    Encyclopika The Queen

    O___O I'm about to review, but all I can say in summary is that you need a TON of work.

    Section 1: Detail
    Which is all I really need to say. ^^; All you have here is dialogue, mostly - which is fine if you were writing a playwright. But, since you're not, we need a whole lot more detail. You really need to tell us the who, what, where, and why things are happening and or they have happened. For instance: Why is Zoey in Ash's house? We need some background on that, or it's completely random.
    Then you need to detail object and people. I tell this to a lot of budding writers - you can't just assume people know who you're talking about - detail the characters even if they're familiar from the show, especially the DP characters that some people may really not be familiar with.
    Here are some specific examples and other things about detail I wanted to point out:
    Yanno, battles are some of the things that make your Pokemon fanfiction fun to read, even shipping fics can enjoy that easy way to thrust excitement into their readers. How come you didn't give us the details of Paul's battle? Was he close to winning or did he get completely owned? And you wouldn't have to put "TV Battle" in brackets if you just showed us (with words) that Ash & co. were actually watching it on TV. Like, if you started off the story with Paul's battle. Cynthia's using Lucario and Paul's down to his last Pokemon and then loses. Then, you have the announcer give the final verdict as Murkrow goes down and then Ash all of sudden says something and you, the narrator, mention he was watching the television set. Just...something to make it that much more interesting. If you just say "Paul was beat" most of us wanna know why and how.
    I know some people do this...but good writers know that this information will become apparent to the reader as the story goes on.
    Why parentheses? Why not "Delia smiled from the kitchen as she..." It just sounds better and your story will be smoother. But then again, I fail to see why that's important at all. Also stating and writing out a sentence to explain the knocking at the door would be better as well. "Just then, there was a knock at the door to the far right. Ash got up to answer it, wondering who it could possibly be."
    No parentheses - have a character explain the difference.
    Why is Zoey here?

    Section 2: Grammar
    As already stated, the parentheses and brackets need to go. It makes your story much too choppy and not enjoyable to read. Make things flow.
    Anyway, here are some other grammar things that need to be fixed:
    You need to capitalize the first letter in your sentences - this problem runs rampant throughout the fic.
    You also need to develope a handle on your punctuation. Here, you miss the punctuation at the end of what Brock said. If you are using quotes, but you don't want to use "?" or "!", then it must be a comma. However, here you said "Brock asked" so it needs a question mark. Also - you MUST capitalize the the first letter in a person's name and any other proper noun, like the name of a place. "Sure is a turn out, eh?" asked Brock.
    When one character talks to another in this fashion, you need to surround the person's name in commas. "Nice Riolu, Lance," said Brock.

    I need to go now...but you understand. All good writers do not take a single day to think up and write to perfection a fic. It takes days of planning, writing, and revising to make it spotless. In your next posting, I hope you can fix all these problems, as well as the ones I couldn't catch.
    I will do you the liberty of not closing this, but I really don't believe you worked very hard on it.
    Last edited: Jan 6, 2008
  4. lance+cynthia

    lance+cynthia Well-Known Member

    chapter 2:meeting old friend's.

    ''So i'm challengeing Falkner tomorrow'' , said Ash,they were inside the pokemon center with Lance and talking about the league!!

    ''that's good Ash'', said Brock''but who knows how strong he is now''

    ''lu rio lu ri'' , said Riolu.

    ''cha pika cha'' , said Pikachu.

    ''Falkner is getting stronger'', said Lance''everyone is so watch out Ash''and Ash nodded

    ''but Pikachu can beat him'', said Dawn.

    '' ya'', said Ash''hey uh hold on I gotta make a call''and he ran to the phones he was going to get Charizard.

    5 minutes later...

    '' ok what was that about '', asked Lance

    '' oh just calling an old friend '', said Ash and they walked outside.

    ''hey there's Falkner '', said Ash and they walked there in the crowed.

    ''sorry for you're loss kid '', commented Falkner to a young boy holding a Bulbasaur,the boy nodded and walked off sadly.

    '' who challenges Falkner next '', said the Ref.

    ''I DO'', shouted Ash running out with Pikachu.

    There weremummers of ''who is that kid'' , in the crowed.

    ''2 on 2 battle between Falkner and the challenger'', said the Ref.

    ''go Ferrow'', said Falkner.

    ''go Buizel '', said Ash

    *Ferrow comes out*

    *Buziel comes out*

    ''Buizel aqua jet'', said Ash

    ''Ferrow doge'', said Falkner

    *Buizel hits Ferrow 2 times*

    '' Ferrow use sky attack'', commanded Falkner.

    ''Buizel ice beam'', said Ash

    *Ferrow trys to fly up but is stopped by ice beam*

    *ice beam gets a direct hit*

    *Ferrow faints*

    '' great job Buizel '', said Ash''return''

    '' Ferrow return '', said Falkner.

    *both pokemon return to there pokeballs*

    '' go Pigeot '', said Falkner

    *pigeot comes out*

    *ash smirks*

    ''CHAR '', said Charizard landing in-front of Ash.

    ''Charizard dragon range'', said Ash

    *Charizard used dragon range knocking out Pigeot*

    ''ya '', said Ash''return Charizard''

    *Charizard returns*

    *Ferrow returns*

    ''well done'', said Falkner handing Ash the zhyper badge.

    ''thanks '', said Ash

    ''pika cha '', said Pikachu.

    ''who are you anyway'', asked Falkner

    ''er wow you don't reconize me?'', asked Ash,and Falkner shook his head.

    ''erm I'm Ash Ash Ketchum'', said Ash and Falker looked at him.

    ''you're joking'', said Falkner

    ''why would I joke'', asked Ash shrugging.

    ''good to see you'', again said Falkner and Ash nodded.

    ''anyway gotta go '', said ash walking away,to Lance,Dawn,Brock and Zoey.

    ''great job'Ash '', commented Dawn and Ash blushed,as they all walked to the gym.

    ''be back in a minute'' , said Lance walking into the gym.

    ''hey Ash '', said Cynthia walking to them a lucario was beside her.

    ''oh Cynthia hi'', said Ash,and he noticed Bertha,Lucian and Aaron.

    ''hey Lucian'', said Dawn smiling.

    ''hello Dawn'', said Lucian.

    ''hey Cynthia why are you all here'', asked brock

    ''needed an adventure'', said Lucian.

    ''cool that's why Zoey is here too'', said Dawn, and at that moment Lance came out with Riolu on his sholder.

    ''sorry Ash Clair's not here today'', said Lance

    ''that's fine'', said Ash as Aaron looked at Lance questionly.

    ''wow no way you're Lance aren't you champion of Kanto and Johto and a pokemon G-man right'', said Aaron looking at Lance with awe.

    ''er yes that's right'', said Lance sweetdropping.

    ''erm i'm Aaron of the Shinno Elite 4'', said Aaaron.

    ''nice to meet you'', said Lance smiling.

    ''I'm Lucian and that's Bertha '', said Lucian

    ''erm hi '', said Lance

    ''that's Cynthia champion of Shinno'', said Bertha

    ''hello'', said Lance bowing to Cynthia, Cynthia however blushed and giggled,and Riolu did the same but to Cynthia's Lucario.

    Lucario growled at Riolu and Lance, who both shot up instenly and blushed, well Lance anyway, then Riolu jumped on Lance's head.

    '' wow does he like her or what '', muttered Zoey to Dawn who nodded.

    Suddenly Lance's cell phone rang, and Lance looked at the caller I.D. it was the pokemon G-man Hq.

    ''uh excuse me for a moment'', said Lance ansewering his phone.

    '' hello '', said Lance

    ''Lance this is Cherry, you're sister Clair and you're Grandfather were taken in by team magma'', Said Cherry, from the other line.

    Lance's face however paled and he muttered'' you're kidding''

    ''no sorry Lance'', said Cherry and she hung up.

    Lance sighed and slowly closed his phone.

    What was that about '', asked Lucian.

    '' well Clair and my grandfather were taken by Team Magma'', siad Lance sadly.

    End of chapter 2.

    please do not delete.
  5. JB239874

    JB239874 I'm back, baby!

    Tut tut.

    Did you actually READ what me and Encyclopika wrote? It's just the same! Re-read my & Encyclopika's comments and try to put them in the next chapter please.

    Otherwise, good plot.
  6. May Ketchum

    May Ketchum Dawn IS my world....

    It may seem like a hiderance, but please use proper grammer. And when someone tries to help you, you take their advice. This story just seems rushed in some ways. Plus, you need to describe the setting, you're justing blowing by everything, all I know it's in Kanto. You need more detail
  7. BlitzBlast

    BlitzBlast Busy with School

    I can't believe I actually read this. I can't even bear to read it. OK, get a grammar book and read the sections: Capitalization, Commas, Colons and Semicolons, Quotemarks, Parenthesis, and Hyphens and dashes. By the way, everything in italics is a spelling error.

    I is always capitalized when its used alone or as a subject. Why is that comma there? It should be right outside of the quotation marks. Speakingly, you forgot the the period inside of the quotes. Why are there exclamation marks at the end of the sentence? You make it sound as if a hyper kid is shouting this story, or that it's amazing they're talking about the league.

    It's good to see you put a new paragraph for each speaker, but for the love of god, the first letter that begins a sentence is ALWAYS capitalized. No buts about it. Plus you forgot a period. By the way, for the entirety of the story you write "said (INSERT NAME)" ;it gets very bland. write different things! Shouted, cried, exclaimed, questioned, there are LOTS of words you can use.

    You really didn't have to put the pokemon there, but anyway, there probably shoud have been some hyphens. Seriously.

    Falkner is getting stronger? Its not grammatically wrong but......just read it. Is that something you would say on a regular basis? No. And another comma just floating there. And after stronger, you're missing a comma! What is the point of "and Ash nodded? to be more exact, what's the point of and? Ash nodded would have been fine enough.

    You need to capitalize the 'B' in but, and you need to put a punctuation mark
    after him.

    "Ya" is not a word. Its a term used on chat boards when you need to quickly say yes. Do you know the rules for interruptors? There should be a comma before and after uh. Why did you tell us he was getting Charizard? Mystery is always good. :)

    Anyway, before I continue, I recomend using a spell-checker, reading your post befor submitting it, and having someone else read this story before you post it.
    Last edited: Jan 8, 2008
  8. BlitzBlast

    BlitzBlast Busy with School

    Why is Falkner in a crowd? He has a gym for a reason you know.......

    You're means You are. You probably meant "your".

    Why did you put "Ref."? Referee isn't the guys name, so it shouldn't be capitalized, and it shouldn't be shortened either!

    "Weremummers" Is that a werewolf-mummy hybrid? Or is it the words were murmers?

    Its name is Fearow. Also, when people send out pokemon, they put a lot of emotion onto it. So there should be exclamation marks.

    Your battle is like the video games. How did Fearow try to dodge? How did Buizel hit twice?

    HOW? Tell us more about the battle.

    "Return" should be capitalized, or there should be a comma after Buizel.

    Do you mean "their" pokeballs? The word is Pidgeot, why is Ash smirking, AND WHEN DID ASH RELEASE CHARIZARD?

    I hope you meant "Dragon Rage" Because a Range can be a stove.

    Why does it say Fearow gets returned? I thought Pidgeot was out.

    I don't feel like underlining and using italics now.
    The word is Zephyr, the japanese term is Shinnoh; English, Sinnoh.
    Sweatdropping not sweetdropping, instantly not instenly.

    Absolutely no capitalizing, no hyphens between "pika" and "chu", no punctuation, no commas where you need them like after "er", no spaces after the commas, and
    why is there a single quote before Ash when Dawn speaks?

    (these are just the major errors)
    Oh yes, League members totally abandon the Indigo Plateau to have an adventure.

    Why was Falkner so surprised about Ash? Gymleaders remember the people who beat them, there aren't that much. How did Lance instantly know Clair was gone? He just went to a random gym! Why is Riolu bowing? It's a prideful pokemon if I recall, and it sure isn't a Mime Jr.

    Who's Cherry? Why did you put that conversation between lance and Cherry there? We didn't need to hear the information twice, and you don't need to put in cellphone conversations, or should I say PokeGear conversation.
    Last edited: Jan 8, 2008
  9. lance+cynthia

    lance+cynthia Well-Known Member

    may ketchum: (not trying to sound mean but) ya blackthorn is really in kanto.

    to everyone else:I'll work on those,thanks!
  10. Encyclopika

    Encyclopika The Queen

    Blackthorn is in the Johto region. 0.o No ifs, ands, or buts about it. =\ It's not really something you should change in a fic based off an unoriginal place.
  11. lance+cynthia

    lance+cynthia Well-Known Member

    Er I was trying to be sarcastic(sorry) but it is in Johto.

    Chapter 3 :To Olivine city, were danger lie's!

    '' Now what ,'' growled Ash''how are we gonna get them back'' He was looking at Lance however,Lance looked uneasy and started to pace,his Riolu stared at him
    unsure of what was happining.

    ''Um I really don't know,'' commented Lance''but I'll figure out something'',Lance stopped pacing and looked at all of them.Therewere rain cloud's in the sky and everyone seemed to have gone inside,except for the small group outside the gym.

    '' RI , '' said Riolu jumping up and down.

    ''What's wrong Riolu ?,'' asked Lance.Suddenly thunder was heard and it started to pour.

    ''Great,'' grumbled Aaron before they all went into the gym to escape the storm that had happened outside.

    A clap of thunder is heard as lightning fill the gym with light.

    "Rilo Ri Riolu", cried Riolu tear's running down his face.

    "Er Riolu it's ok", said Lance gently picking him up and rocking Riolu in his arm's,Riolu
    stopped crying and fell asleep.

    "Great work genuis", growled Lucian looking at him,his gaze was full of hatred.

    "Well you seem to know how to take care of baby pokemon", commented Brock smiling.

    "Well ya I guess I do", said Lance smiling"still..."

    "Hey Ash do you think you're friend May is here in Johto", said Dawn cheerily.

    "Sure", said Ash smiling"and I'm sure that she will help you too".

    "Pika Pikachu", Said Pikachu jumping on dawn head,more thunder and lightning fallowed,untill everyone was fast asleep.

    The Next Day...

    ''Yawn", Yawned Lance as he stood up,Riolu was awake too and was resting on
    Lance's head,they walked outside only to be greeted by a wonderfull sunrise.

    "I wonder if clair and grandpa are doing ok", thought Lance suddenly,but he shook(sp?)
    it off.

    "Morning Lance", said Cynthia walking to him,Lance spun around to see Cynthia smiling at him.

    "Oh g-good morning Cynthia", said Lance cheerfully.

    "So were is everyone headed?", asked Cynthia smiling.

    "Oh Olivine City'', answers Lance.

    "Um sorry to disturb you two,but when are we leaving?", asked Ash from behind them,
    Lance and Cynthia have a small pink blushes on there faces,Lance's Riolu looks

    "Right now", stated Lance,the blush gone from his face.

    "Good" grumbled a very tired Dawn walking to Ash, Pikachu was fallowing her.

    "Hey Ash you still owe me a bike", Dawn remarked.


    " Ya and it be so much easier to get money if you had a job" shot Dawn back,at this Ash anime fell.

    "Please stop fighting", mumbled Aaron from behind them.

    "Oh shut the H*ll up Aaron", snapped Lucian shoving past him with Bertha and Flint.

    "Fine we'll stop", growled dawn galring at ash,Pikachu was sweatdropping.

    "Anyway...we should go to Olivine'', said Lance''Team Magma was last reported there and I have a feeling that Jasmine's in trouble".The other's nodded and fallowed Lance outside the city on there way to Olivine.

    "Hey Lance?", asked Aaron''will I ever be good like you''

    "Erm sure why not", said Lance and he saw Cynthia smile at him,they were walking
    beside each other.

    "Hey Lance", said Cynthia and she kissed him on the cheek.

    "Great job".

    "Thanks ", stuttered Lance a red blush on his face.

    end of chapter 2

    sorry it's so short.

    End of chapter 3.
    Last edited: Jan 13, 2008
  12. lance+cynthia

    lance+cynthia Well-Known Member

    Er ok but I have been reading this and It took me 3 days to write...
    Last edited: Jan 13, 2008

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