Pokemon Chess

[Titan500]

Note: The way of chess in this is Chinese Chess, not the one you normally see.

Chapter 1:

Somewhere on a distant battlefield, armed Hitmochan stood ready, waiting for the command of their general. "Hitmochan-2 move forward!" shouted a commanding voice from above. It obediently moved forward, the border was right in front of it, there was a Primeape on the other side a bit behind the border. "Golem-1 roll to the back of Primeape-3!" commanded another voice.
As with the Hitmochan it rolled behind one of the centre Primeape...

*bzztp*

"Daad..." groaned a young boy, "Why did you turn off the TV?" He was watching the final of the Junior Zone Pokemon Chess Championships when his father turned off the TV. "Well for one thing Lendon you will be late for school" replied his father sternly, "Watching TV in the morning is not good for your daily school day, and you have a exam in two days."
Lendon mumbled to himself on how tiring and annoying his father's lectures were. Ever since his parents divorced he lived with his father and his grandparents who worked. "Alright, I'll go to school," said Lendon.

5 minutes later at school, Lendon ran quickly to his classroom and nearly crashed into the janitor. He reached his classroom just before the sounded the whistle. "Hope the Mr. Socky isn't here," he thought to himself. As he opened the door, he found most of his classmates playing Pokemon Chess, they were lost in thought due to being absorbed into the hologram that was formed from their Chess Watch.

"Hello? " asked Lendon as he poked his friend Gerald's head, "Anybody in there or are you just deaf?" Gerald turned to face him, the expression on his face would of sent Lendon's mother running like a chicken, "What did you say!?"
Lendon had a thought that he was about to blow. " Um... are you just deaf "

Lendon had then noticed that Gerald had stopped playing with his opponent and had just started chasing Lendon around the room with his school books that came out of nowhere. Lendon would have got bookilized if it wasn't for Mr. Socky coming into the room. He had just turned around when he was smashed in the head by Gerald's books. "What are you two doing?!" he shouted. On hearing the his voice they both stopped and glanced at their him.
"Um, trying to kill Lendon," said Gerald.

2 minutes later, Lendon and Gerald were sent by their teacher to face the dreaded principal. A former army general that the students and teachers called the Principal From Hell . Now facing him was the worst punishment they were going to experience. "I wonder what's this going to be like?" shuddered Gerald.
In their thoughts they pictured themselves held upside down by a rope with rifles pointed at their faces ready to shoot. After a few more thoughts of torture Lendon looked outside knowing that he might not have the chance to play chess.

"Now, you two are going to suffer this punishment," said the principal, looking at them "Lendon, you have to clean my room for a week." He then looked at Gerald who was shivering like a mouse. "You have to scrub the male loos and the dunny." Gerald looked like he was about to faint with the thought of the toilets and the amount of people who had sat on them.

The next day, Lendon worked away cleaning the principal's office before class, after class and at recess. Gerald scrubbed the toilets at the same time, sometimes nearly vomiting from the stench. After a week of cleaning, Lendon looked at the newspaper, there was an advertisment for a free Chess Watch. It said for the first 200 callers would get a Chess Watch. He called the company and waited for what would happen.

A few days later, Lendon got his results from his exam, he also got a Chess Watch. When his father read the results he nearly hit the roof. "English: 67, Maths: 78, Civics: 50, Algebra: 68, Overall Score: 49" His father checked the results again. "Not even half?!" he said, "You've been watching to much TV, now you're grounded for 2 weeks." Lendon grumbled to himself and waited for a lecture. As he listened to his father he played around with the watch. It was facisnating and interesting at the same time.

When his father had stopped talking Lendon read the insructions on setting it up. "Lets see, I'll have Blastoise for the Cannons, Hitmonlee for the Soilders, Venasaur for the Elephants, Charizard for the Chariots, Pidgeots for the Horses and I'll have Kinglers for the Advisors. As soon as he finished he turned on the hologram that was installed in it.

Once it was on he found himself in the battleground with the Kinglers by him. Smiling to himself, he was ready to beat Gerald if he could survive incredible stench. But he had to do that the next day.

 

[Diddy]

To improve this, you would seriously need to overhaul the whole thing.

The idea is good, not actually focusing on pokemon, but it's chess style varient. Just that the way it was written, all that came out was a really bad yu-gi-oh without cards ripoff.

So this guy walks into a classroom and says, hello to someone who is supposedly his friend, getting no response he tries again, adding are you deaf this time. The friend, Stops playing his game, abandons it, it seems, to chase the supposed friend around the room with a sledgehammer that came out of nowhere???

WTFmate.

*5 minutes later*

Don't ever do that. FanFiction works on a 'show dont tell' principle.

the expression on his face would of sent three herds of Garchomps running

Bit of an over reaction, Don't ya think. What if they were cowardly garchomp?

The next thing that happened was shocking. Gerald had stopped playing with his opponent and started chasing Lendon around the room with a sledgehammer that came out of nowhere. Lendon would have died if it wasn't for Mr. Socky coming into the room. He had just turned around when he was smashed in the head by Gerald's sledgehammer. The force of the blow sent him packing.

So with this magically appearing sledgehammer, you also smashed a teacher in the head with it, the force of such a blow would tear the guys head off. And would most Definately be a case of murder with a transferred malice factor on the side.

*2 minutes later in the principal's office.*

Lendon and Gerald were about to face the dreaded principal. A former army general that the students and teachers called Evil General. Now facing him was the worst punishment they were going to experience. " I wonder what's this going to be like? " shuddered Gerald.
In their thoughts they pictured themselves held upside down by a rope with rifles pointed at their faces ready to shoot. Lendon looked outside knowing that he might not have the chance to play chess.

Who would be there to tell them to go to the principles office, you killed the teacher.

And that really is an amazingly rubbish nickname, Evil General, who would be offended by that? And what did Lendon do except not get killed by a sledgehammer thrown at him by a clearly unstable 'friend' I know I wouldn't forgive them after that. And all he cares about is playing chess. Kids these days.

Really, just re-write the whole idea if your insistent on using the idea, read the Advice for Aspiring Authors thread to get tips and hints on how not to release stuff that reads like vomit on paper.

 

[Zephyr Flare]

Good possible concept, wtfable execution particularly this magically appearing sledgehammer just, what? Even a squeaky hammer would make more sense.

So even ignoring the extremely... well I don't know what to think of this "plot" really, there are some little things that with a good plot would need work.

" Dad..." groaned a young boy, " Why did you turn off the TV ? " He was watching the final of the Junior Zone Pokemon Chess Championships when his father turned off the TV . "Well for one thing Lendon you will be late for school " replied his father sternly, " Watching TV in the morning is not good for your daily school day, and you have a exam."
Lendon mumbled to himself on how tiring and annoying his father's ectures were. Ever since his parents divorced he lived with his father and his grandparents who worked. " Alright, I'll go to school, " said Lendon.

Your Version

" Daaad..." groaned the young boy in a whined tone, "Why'd you turn off the TV?" His upset was understandable, after all he was only watching the Finals of the Junior Zone Pokemon Chess Championships which was far far more important than the boring lecture he knew was coming.

Above him towered a man waving the remote lightly in his hand as he addresses his son with a stern scowl.
"Well for one thing, Lendon, you will be late for school," he answers not missing a beat, "easting your time watching TV in the morning is not good for your grades, PLUS you have an exam coming or did you forget again?"

The boy grumbled in defeatas he got to his feet and trudged off to get his school gear under the watchful gaze of his father.

My version, see how I kicked up that one little bit? More expression, what kids are actually more likely to say and a bit more oomph to it really. Advice for Aspiring Authors has a lot more than this though, I'm just using this as an example of how you can bring so much more life into your written work with a bit of extra thought.

That said due to the quality, this will be closed if there's not a clear improvement for the next chapter as it falls way below length as well. I do want to leave it open though to see what you can do with these two reviews to kick your writting up a notch.


Sandra

 

[Titan500]

I'll added some more to Chapter 1. I didn't have enough ideas yesterday. I'll get the next chapter up in a few days. It's nearly the end of my holidays

 

[Diddy]

It is an obvious improvement.

But something that was annoying me was the fact the you use a speech mark, then there is a space before you start the speech. It should be,

"Hello, how are you?" rather than " Hello, how are you? "

In the second one, its hard to distinguish between the speech and the non-speech.

Keep that in mind.

 

[Titan500]

I've edited the spaces.

Chapter 2:

"Oh damnit," cursed Gerald, he was staring at the most disgusting toilet bowl in his life. It had cigarette bums floating around in it and the people who used it even forgot to flush. He looked at the sky, it seemed to be ringing, except it wasn't the sky but his cellphone. He looked at the number. It was from Lendon. "Hiya Gerald, I'm sorry about what happened a few days ago."
Gerald smiled and spoke, "Yeah, but it got me into cleaning a extremely ugly toilet." He looked at the toilet and started scrubbing again.

The next day, Gerald ended his punishment and headed to class where Lendon was waiting. "You wanna take me on in chess?" he asked. Gerald thought for a while and replied, "Sure, you're going down." They turned on their watches and launced a laser that fused two halves of the board. Their minds were absorbed at that moment into the hologram.

Lendon found himself sitting on a moveable throne with his troops around him. He could see Gerald on the other side ready to command his troops. "Blastoise-1 move left behind Hitmonlee-3!" The Blastoise obediantly moved behind the Hitmonlee and shot out his cannons signalling that he was about to fire. "Nice move Lendon, but you aren't going to beat me," said Gerald, "Staraptor-2 fly to the back of Lucario-4 and if his cannon shoots you can smash him." Lendon looked at the field carefully before starting his next move. Just before he commanded Kingler-1 to move, class started.

"Crap, that was just getting fun," mumbled Gerald as he got to his seat. As Lendon and Gerald listened to Mr. Socky he mentioned something about the School Chess Competition and that anybody could enter.

After school, Lendon headed to his cousin Harrison's house for some advice on playing chess. "So you need some help, eh?" said Harrison, he was reading a book called 'Eating Mushrooms For Dummies'. "Yeah I need help" replied Lendon, he wasn't taking his eyes off what Harrison was reading, "Why do you read that anyway?" Harrison put down his book and got his Chess Watch."I don't know, but I have a few books on chess," said Harrison.
Lendon looked a bit dumbfounded, "Let me guess, are they a Dummies title?"
Harrison then thought for a while, "I have one that isn't."
Lendon looked at his head and looked again at Harrison's head, "Are you a dummy?"
"No" came the answer.

"I'm starting to think Harrison really is dumb" thought Lendon as he walked home, "If I'm gonna compete I'll need more help than some books for dummies." He looked at the books Harrison had gave him. When he returned home his grandmother was cooking dinner, "Mmmnnnmmmm."
Lendon looked at her teeth, she looked like she was missing them, "You forgot to put in your fake teeth again didn't you?" he said. His grandmother nodded quickly and got back to cooking.

Lendon got back to his room and turned on his PC, "You have 80,000,000 unread emails." said the metallic voice. Lendon sighed and clicked the first one. It was an advertisment about really cheap roast chicken, the first 1,000,000 repliers would get a free chicken. With an urge to eat chicken Lendon quickly replied to the message.

The next day, Lendon and Gerald were sitting on the benches in the gym where the championships would be held. "What time is it?" asked Gerald, he was dumb enough to not use his watch. "It's nearly starting," replied Lendon, he knew that Gerald would be excited about the championships. Lendon looked around, there were people starting to come.

At that moment, Gerald looked like he needed to go to the bathroom, but due to the intensity of scrubbing toilets he had an urge not to go. Thinking of toilets were starting to make him puke. "My God,"said Lendon, he was shocked at the scene of Gerald puking everywhere. Teachers were rushing over to him with mops and brooms. "Bleh, vomit tastes disgusting," said Gerald, he was spitting out some chunky parts of the vomit. Lendon looked at the time, the competition was about to start.

As competitors poured in, Lendon and Gerald were waiting on their seats for the lead teacher, Mr. Holiness to announce the matches. After a few minutes Lendon's name was called. His opponent was the captain of their school chess club. "You ready to lose" he jeered. Lendon didn't respond, he launced the hologram laser which fused with the captain's.

Lendon took the first move, "Hitmonlee-2 head up!" The Hitmonchan moved forward an stood right behind the border. His opponent moved his left cannon, a Graveler behind his middle soilder which was a Scyther. Lendon looked at his troops carefully, "The one to combat the cannon would be the Pidgeots," he said to himself. "I'll move Pidgeot-1 a space behind Hitmonlee-2," said Lendon, the Pidgeot flew past a Blastoise and landed. His opponent didn't say anything as he moved Graveler-2 inbetween Hitmonlee-4 and Hitmonlee-5 on Lendon's side of the board.

"Not good," thought Lendon, "If he uses a Graveler, I'll basically use my Pidgeot to smash it and then he'll use his other Graveler, I could put another Pidgeot up." He looked at the circumstances on his side, "Alright, Pidgeot-2 fly behind Hitmonlee-4." As the Pidgeot flew Lendon noticed a small pattern in the way his opponent moved. "Uh Oh" were the only words he could say