Poke'mon.com-buy or die preview

[dude-z]

Well this is about Poke'mon.com buy or DIE! A story about the mafia taking over pokemon.com
I posted this here becuase i wanted some thoughts about what i should work on before posting it on the main fan-fic page.
If this breaking any rules, close it please.


-Prologue-
A small Jigglypuff was frantically searching E-bay for the last 2005 Shining Pikachu doll in the world. After twelve pages he found the last one bid at one-thousand poke’dollars. He quickly punched in a bid for two-thousand poke’dollars. Then millions of pop-ups infiltrated the computer before he could confirm. He looked more closely at one of the ads. “Pokemon.com everything in stock.” He looked through the other ads to see that the doll had just been bought. Another ad pulled up saying, “Pokemon.com now has a 2005 shining Pikachu doll in stock for a million poke’dollars!”
“Now I have to pay more for it, oh well,” Jigglypuff sighed clicking on the ad. The window for the site exploded on the screen stating. Buy 2005 Shining Pikachu doll for $1,000,000? He pressed yes to find that shipping and handling cost another seven-hundred dollars. He was desperate and pressed yes again. A new window popped up saying all strings will be cut for another two-thousand. Jigglypuff exploded out,” This is outrageous!” He picked the cancel order button and then found himself surrounded by mutant Pichu ninjas! “AHHHHHHHHH,” He screamed before the house turned dark.

 

[Dilasc]

You should read the advice for aspiring authors thread, and the rules thread. You have much that needs to be improved here, and could easily learn by reading a few well to do stories by skilled authors.

This is bad. It is short, and clustered. Whenever someone new speaks, start a new paragraph, please!

 

[Eternal Daydreamer]

Dilasc is totally right. I suggest reading a story by either him, Scrap, or one of the other skilled authors. That and this seems to be a re-write of Fear dot Com.

 

[Shadowcat]

Too ****in' d*mn horrible. Read the Fan Fiction Rules.

No Paragraphing means that you don't know how to use the enter key. Read Fics by Scrap, xXSaberXx, Dragonfree, Serpent Syra, Dilasc, Sike Saner, Saffire Persian, Ratiasu, Renegade and a few others to get a grip on writing.

This story has a terrible plot, and needs heaps of imporvement. And like La Carlotta said, this seems like a re-write of Fear dot Com.

Your Story based on a Mafia taking over Pokemon.Com will turn up badly if you don't learn to use the 'Enter' key on the keyboard. This doesn't even deserve a Two Star, so don't argue on why you should get a five or four star rating.

 

[dude-z]

Well sorry about that, I have not even heard of Fear dot com and not read much of all of the above authours.
BTW Thanks a bundle for repling, i think i might work on a different one now(Don't want to copy!)

 

[Lazyitis]

Well, it's probably good that you are - because what I've read from here doesn't look too promising at all.

There's hardly anything going on in scene and character description, the events in the story seem to speed on at a hundred miles per hour - and overall, everything's just too contrived. Mutant Pichu ninjas? It's not the first thing I'd associate with the Mafia, really.

This is just too much like a story written by a young child (the whole 'then I did this and then she said that and then we all went to...') doesn't exactly make for a good story now, does it?

As it's been said before, a major rethink is in order here, kid.