• Be sure to join the discussion on our discord at: Discord.gg/serebii
  • If you're still waiting for the e-mail, be sure to check your junk/spam e-mail folders

Pokemon: Darkness's Arrival (PG for Blood and Gore)

Cursed

Heroic Sociopath
I have been taking a descriptive writing course and am finally ready to start and finish a fanfic! (sarcastic applause)

Anyways, I've been spacing off in English class recently and have come up with amazing ideas. I'm going to now share my personal favorite.

PROLOGUE:
The storm grew worse with each passing second. Soon the tropical storm became a vicious, unnatural hurricane heading straight for a small, lonely island. On the mountain of this landmass, two legendary birdlike Pokemon slumbered. They awoke at the first sign of the hurricane and both flew into the air. One was silver with blue feathers coming out of his back, while the other had rainbow-colored feathers that, had there been any sunlight, would have gleamed and cast their bright colors over the landmasses it flew over. These two titanic Pokemon ascended into the night sky, facing the coming hurricane.

Glowing with energy, the two Pokemon fired a stream of fire and a burst of water straight at the massive cyclone. The storm didn’t, unlike other hurricanes, give way to the extreme power focused on it. Instead, the swirling mass of clouds seemed to grab the two energy bursts and throw them at the two Pokemon. They wouldn’t be able to withstand the intensity of their own attacks. The rainbow colored bird flew in front of the silver creature and took the full force of both attacks. Shrieking its death-cry, the rainbow colored Pokemon, Ho-oh, plummeted into the ocean and died for the silver colored Pokemon, Lugia.

The hurricane turned a blood red as it headed straight for the Lugia. Lugia tried, once again, to disrupt the storm, using a beam of golden light, commonly known as Aeroblast. The beam of light went straight into the clouds within the hurricane. The crimson clouds gave way, revealing thousands of swirling black shapes with eyes, resembling letters, huddled in a sphere, moving in seemingly random patterns so numerous that you could never count all of. These Pokemon were known as Unown. As their name implies, there is little known about them. Within their sphere was an orb of pure energy. The surface area of this sphere was composed of a shield. The Aeroblast attack was deflected upon contact with the barrier.

The titan of the sea was in shock. Its strongest attack had almost no effect on these creatures. As it simply hovered there, the shield partially opened. The orb of energy within glowed an eerie green, then fired a beam of light, similar in appearance to the Aeroblast attack, straight at the Lugia. The great god of the sea was badly wounded After bleeding to death, the Lugia’s corpse sank to the seafloor. Again recreating the fake hurricane with psychic powers, the Unown hovered away from the battlefield where they had killed not one, but two Pokemon.

Chapter 1

“…and to the eastern edge of the Sevii Islands we will be having light rainfall and a possible cold front.” An anchorman said over the radio.

“And now here’s Jerry with rare Pokemon sightings.” The anchorman said. Kent, a 16 year old trainer, perked up at those words. He had been laying on the nearby sofa with only swimming trunks on to escape the summer heat.

“Today, we have a report of an Entei sighting on the leeward side of Four Island,” Jerry said. Kent was about to run out to the ferry port of Two Island, but then Jerry started talking again, “but it says here that he was sent to prison later for smoking heroin. Experts in the field of Pokemon state that such Pokemon are mythical beings.” He finished.

“Egg-heads,” Kent spat over the sound of a story about John F. Kennedy, “what do they know?” He slowly walked to the sliding glass door on the far side of the room. He had been, ever since he moved to Two Island, especially interested in what were called “shiny Pokemon.” After looking for 3 years with no success, he decided to widen his horizons and look for any rare Pokemon. Kent exited the small house and went into his backyard. His family was quite wealthy, so he bought supplies for a secret retreat. The border of his family’s property supposedly marked by trees, but using a teleporter, Kent could enter a clearing that was otherwise almost unapproachable.

As he stepped on the half-buried warp tile that led to this clearing, his atoms were taken apart and reconstructed at the clearing (the first teleporters like this took a lot of lives). Within the clearing was a small pond filled with Magikarp, a fish-like pokemon that bore a striking resemblance to a koi, except with red scales. One, however, was a bright gold like the morning sun. This one Magikarp was the result of years of Pokemon breeding. Kent took great pride in it. Each morning, he went to his pond and fed his Magikarp some fish flakes, and then, when their meal was over, he would measure each one by weight. As Kent took the golden Magikarp to the tank where he weighed them, it started to glow with a bright light…
 
Last edited:

Literate

black cat, black cat
Blood and Gore would go under PG-13 actually. 0_0 I think. I'm not good with ratings.

This was a bit better than your last fic. This was better but hey, there is more to improve on.

Things that I found...weird:
Soon the tropical storm became a vicious, unnatural hurricane heading straight for a small, lonely island. On that island, two legendary Pokemon slumbered.
You might've not repeated the "hurricane" twice but with "island" you did. You could say "that small piece of landmass" to make it one, not repetetive, and two, more better sounding. Besides the second sentence is short. What kind of legendary pokemon? You can go word for word on the outline on how they look like. Like this:

"One creature had broad wings, each individual feather a different color of the rainbow. Its sharp talons were folded under its body, its beak was as straight as a stick...." and yada yada. Basic outline so we would know what it is before you mention their names.
One was silver with blue feathers coming out of his back, while the other had rainbow-colored feathers that, had there been any sunlight, would have gleamed and cast their bright colors over the landmasses it flew over.
Haha. I missed that. But what if someone who didn't know about Ho-oh and Lugia read this? They wouldn't know the form of the pokemon.
Glowing with energy, the two Pokemon fired a stream of fire and a burst of water straight at the freak storm. The storm didn’t, unlike other hurricanes, give way to the extreme power focused on it.
There again. You put storm twice in consecutive sentences. I look for repitvity so you can't put that past me. One of the "storm" could be typhoon. Because a hurricane is a typhoon, right?
The rainbow colored creature flew in front of the silver creature and took the full force of both attacks.
Again. You repeated. Creature? You can say birds, They do look like birds.
Shrieking, the rainbow colored Pokemon, Ho-oh, died for the silver colored Pokemon, Lugia.
Okay, that's just plain weird. Don't tell us what happens. Tell us what is seen to be doing. In other words, rephrase that like this:

"Ho-oh, the rainbow feathered Pokemon, shrieked in submission as it fell down towards the raging waters. He gave one last look at the silver bird, Lugia, and dropped into the ocean, dead."

The hurricane turned a blood red as it headed straight for the Lugia. The Lugia tried, once again, to disrupt the storm, using a beam of golden light, commonly known as aeroblast.
You repeated again. Lugia in the second sentence could read, "the water guardian" because it has somethign to do it. Every pokemon has a title. Like Mudkip, the mud fish Pokemon. (First one that came to mind.) Attacks like Aeroblast are capitalized, for some reason.
The blood red clouds gave way, revealing thousands of swirling black letters with eyes huddled in a sphere.
You used blood red again. You could say "crimson" because blood is crimson. And that is no way to describe Unowns. You don't give out the simple things. Are they in a cirucular formation moving around? Describe them other than huddled in a sphere because that could go different ways.
These Pokemon were known as Unown. As their name implies, there is little known about them.
That just broke the scene. Eliminate that if you want it to go smoothly. Random facts in the middle of something just throws it all off.
The Lugia was in shock.
You don't really need the 'the' if there is only one Lugia. Unless there are more, then I'll approve that.
The orb of energy within glowed an eerie green, then fired a beam of light, similar in appearance to the aeroblast attack, straight at the Lugia.After bleeding to death, the Lugia’s corpse sank to the seafloor.
What is supposed to be in the middle of these sentences? Something like Lugia screaming in pain as it fell into the ocean.
Resuming the shape of a hurricane, the Unown hovered away from the battlefield where they had killed not one, but two Pokemon.
Okay. *holds head* The Unown was a hurricane then turned into a sphere of energy and then back to a hurricane? I'd say they were hiding in the hurricane. So they could just whip up the winds and create a new one since Lugia destroyed the first one?


This was better at knocking down all my questions. One still stands though. Why did the Unown suddenly appear in a hurricane and attack two of the greatest pokemon ever and managed to defeat them?

~PEACE~
 

Cursed

Heroic Sociopath
The Unown, as you might have seen in the anime, live in their own parallel universe. Assuming there's a diemensional rift, the Unown world would merge with the regular world. The Unown are going beserk from this sudden fusion of diemensions, and can be easily manipulated in this state.

EDIT: I think I fixed them.
 
Last edited:

Cursed

Heroic Sociopath
Sorry if this is rulebreaking, but Chapter 1 is finished.

Chapter 1

“…and to the eastern edge of the Sevii Islands we will be having light rainfall and a possible cold front.” An anchorman said over the radio.

“And now here’s Jerry with rare Pokemon sightings.” The anchorman said. Kent, a 16 year old trainer, perked up at those words. He had been laying on the nearby sofa with only swimming trunks on to escape the summer heat.

“Today, we have a report of an Entei sighting on the leeward side of Four Island,” Jerry said. Kent was about to run out to the ferry port of Two Island, but then Jerry started talking again, “but it says here that he was sent to prison later for smoking heroin. Experts in the field of Pokemon state that such Pokemon are mythical beings.” He finished.

“Egg-heads,” Kent spat over the sound of a story about John F. Kennedy, “what do they know?” He slowly walked to the sliding glass door on the far side of the room. He had been, ever since he moved to Two Island, especially interested in what were called “shiny Pokemon.” After looking for 3 years with no success, he decided to widen his horizons and look for any rare Pokemon. Kent exited the small house and went into his backyard. His family was quite wealthy, so he bought supplies for a secret retreat. The border of his family’s property supposedly marked by trees, but using a teleporter, Kent could enter a clearing that was otherwise almost unapproachable.

As he stepped on the half-buried warp tile that led to this clearing, his atoms were taken apart and reconstructed at the clearing (the first teleporters like this took a lot of lives). Within the clearing was a small pond filled with Magikarp, a fish-like pokemon that bore a striking resemblance to a koi, except with red scales. One, however, was a bright gold like the morning sun. This one Magikarp was the result of years of Pokemon breeding. Kent took great pride in it. Each morning, he went to his pond and fed his Magikarp some fish flakes, and then, when their meal was over, he would measure each one by weight. As Kent took the golden Magikarp to the tank where he weighed them, it started to glow with a bright light…
 

Neko Godot

Hey! Listen!
It's okay, but I still do not understand where this fic is going. The chapter was too short, also.
 

Literate

black cat, black cat
Yeah, this is too short. I let the Prologue off because it could be short. Actually no shoter than three-fourths of a page. But for chapters it has to be three pages, at the least. Add at least two and a half more pages onto it.

Add some detail, space it out correctly, and add more action and backscenes. Like here:
As he stepped on the half-buried warp tile that led to this clearing, his atoms were taken apart and reconstructed at the clearing (the first teleporters like this took a lot of lives). Within the clearing was a small pond filled with Magikarp, a fish-like pokemon that bore a striking resemblance to a koi, except with red scales. One, however, was a bright gold like the morning sun. This one Magikarp was the result of years of Pokemon breeding. Kent took great pride in it. Each morning, he went to his pond and fed his Magikarp some fish flakes, and then, when their meal was over, he would measure each one by weight. As Kent took the golden Magikarp to the tank where he weighed them, it started to glow with a bright light…
You could add more. You can add something aou the teleporter. Where it leaded too. And about the pond. How big was it. How was the surroundings. The climate? I don't know how but lenght still needs some work.

And you corrected most of it. It's better now.

~PEACE~
 

Cursed

Heroic Sociopath
Wow. I'm a pathetic author. Oh, well. I'm still working on fixing Ch. 1.
 
Top