Pokemon Destinys - The Shadow Prince

[Aura Master]

Hey.. just a little something i put together.Im new to fics but i think i can get around.





Prologue:




"Master, I am ready." , Said a man. He had long dark black hair that ran down to his shoulders. He had ragged clothes and a scared-up face. He waited for a response. Water
dripped from the frozen cave ceilings.

Eyes appeared out of the dark. These were as big as someones palm and were blood stained red. “Are you sure Desolus?”, questioned a voice coming from the mysterious eyes. The voice was dark and threatening.

“Yes.” Desolus calmly said as he went to his knees and bowed.

“Very well then.”, Said the voice. Shadows surrounded Desolus in swirls and dark power shot around the room. The voice laughed as many of the power entered the man. Desolus’s eyes went black and he screamed. “You are now the Shadow King.”

Desolus got up off the floor and looked at the eyes. “Thank you master.” He told the creature.

“Please call me by my real name now.” The voice laughed a horrible laugh.

“Yes ma- ” He stopped. He had never addressed his master by his real name. Desolus cleared his throat. “Yes, Giratina.”

~~~~~~~~~~


A tall house sat atop a mountain. None dared to even walk close to it. When they hiked up the mountain they just went up halfway and went back down.

Inside the house Desolus was standing infront of a small, maybe 2 year old child. The fireplace blazed with a strong fire that kept the room warm.

“My son.” Desolus said. He held up his palm which was surrounded by shadows. The baby cocked his head to the left and giggled. Shadows shot from the Shadow King’s hands and entered his sons head. The boys eyes changed from blue to dark black and a dark aura surrounded him.

“Soon you powers will be complete.” Then man laughed once more. Then followed by a crack of lightning. ”Soon.”


END

Hope you liked it.


next chapter: chapter one-The Dream.
Status:not written

 

[Willow's Tara]

Well it was a bit short even for a prologue and didn't really hold me or make me want to read more.
Use more decriptions, sure we all know what a Giratina is but pretend we don't and describe him (Unless he was meant to be surrouded in mystery), Although I do think this story could have potential if you work on it.

 

[Rippingthunder]

It might be a bit early to judge the story, especially since it's still just a prologue, but there are still a couple of things that I'd like to comment on.

To be honest, I didn't find the prologue to be particularly gripping or entertaining. I think that one of the reasons, if not the main reason, was that, as a villain, I found the characterto be fairly clichéd and underwhelming.

“Soon your powers will be complete.” The man laughed once more. Then followed by a crack of lightning. ”Soon.”

This paragrasph is probably what solidified it. This part, as well as Desolus's dialogue in general, practically reeks of stock villain. And I don't ever recall Giratina being able to spontaneously give shadow powers to things.

Because of the lenght there's not much I can comment on, but what is there seems to be just one big cliché delivered by stock dialogue. All I'm saying is that, even if you come up with a unique and/or interesting plot, it means nothing if you don't seriously re-work the presentation of the story in a way that will attract the reader. It's up to you wether you decide to pay attention to this review. After all, this is an opinion. It may just be me, but can I suggest a trip to Advice for Aspiring Authors while I'm at it?

 

[TurtwigFan1]

I agree, it didn't grip me and the storyline seems thin. Also, Giratina NEEDS to be described.

 

[duncan]

So this is it, hmm? Well...it's not bad. You've got a workable storyline so far, and it does have potential. However, it's very short. Let's see if we can work on it a bit.

"Master, I am ready." , Said a man. He had long dark black hair that ran down to his shoulders. He had ragged clothes and a scared-up face. He waited for a response. Water
dripped from the frozen cave ceilings.

This is quite jumbled up. The spacing is off, and so is the punctuation. Fix it, and it should look something like this:

"Master, I am ready." said a man. He had long dark black hair that ran down to his shoulders. He had ragged clothes and a scared-up face. He waited for a response. Water dripped from the frozen cave ceilings.

Just by deleting the comma, using a lower case s for said and deleting the extra space makes it look much better, no? You'll find that, while the story may be there, if it looks odd or wrong then people tend to want to skip it over. Something to keep in mind.

Let's keep going on this part, shall we?

"Master, I am ready." said a man. He had long dark black hair that ran down to his shoulders. Ragged clothes hung to his figure, looking fitting with his scarred face. He waited silently for a response. Water dripped from the frozen cave ceilings.

My edits in bold. The first bit was a bit too bare. See how much nicer it is with just a few minor edits? What I did was looked at it from a bit of a different angle. Instead of just saying that the clothes were ragged, I described it out. It's not all that difficult, all you have to do is change your perspective a bit. I did the same with the second half. That by itself won't make for nice reading, though. To link it all together, just use a couple of nicely worded adjectives to even it out. There's no exact way to do it, you just have to use what you think works the best. Don't worry, you'll get the hang of it pretty quickly.

Lastly, all I did was just add silently to spruce up the sentence. Not strictly needed, but again it helps.

"Master, I am ready." said a man. He had long dark black hair that ran down to his shoulders. Ragged clothes hung to his figure, looking fitting with his scarred face. He waited silently for a response.

The ominous sound of water dripping from the frozen cave ceiling punctuated the silence.

To wrap it up, all I did was redo the last sentence a bit. Add to the feel you've got with words like ominous, it helps quite a bit. And that about wraps it up. See how much better it looks with just a few simple edits?

Eyes appeared out of the dark. These were as big as someones palm and were blood stained red. “Are you sure Desolus?”, questioned a voice coming from the mysterious eyes. The voice was dark and threatening.

Not bad for your first try at a dark, evil sort of scene (as you know, I especially fond of these). You've got big, blood stained eyes coming out of the dark, which makes for some decent imagery. The last bit about the dark and threatening voice gives you extra points as well.

This here is easy to edit. Instead of saying that the eyes were as big as someone's palm, think of maybe something else to compare them to that keeps with the creepy vibe you've started. Or you could just were large. Lastly, there's no need to add anything about the voice. Just putting "Are you sure Desolus?" and making that a paragraph would work quite well. Sometimes, when it's clear to the reader who (or what) is talking, you can't just leave it simply like that.

“Very well then.”, Said the voice. Shadows surrounded Desolus in swirls and dark power shot around the room. The voice laughed as many of the power entered the man. Desolus’s eyes went black and he screamed. “You are now the Shadow King.”

This is a simple case of show, don't tell. The premise is, show us what is happening, rather than just saying "This person did that.", etc. Describe in detail what is happening. It's a very common thing, and it does take a while to get down. It's something you learn with experience, so keep at it. Think of ways to expand more on what you've already done. Slow down the scene, perhaps? Describe as the shadow slowly moved in on him, make it dramatic. Once you get the show, don't tell rule down, you'll find yourself writing better and better very quickly.

The one last thing I will note here is that the pacing on this scene is a very fast. This should be a big, epic event, not something condensed into a single paragraph.

I'd better stop now before I go too overboard on you. XD Believe me, while you have some problems, this is better than my first fic. I don't see anything here that can't be solved with some more experience. Think over some of my advice, and I'd suggest reading through the Advice for Aspiring Authors. It's filled with lots of handy tips that should be helpful. Good luck.

 

[Aura Master]

please no one post anymore and let this die. im going to start a new fic