Pokemon Dimension

[Boonge]

Ok i took some advice from my previous thread is this better and am i still breaking the rules?


[CENTER]POKEMON DIMENSION
CHAPTER 1:
AGONISING BEGINNING[/CENTER]


“Jet get up! Jeeetttt you’re going to be late!” Shrieked Jet’s mum the voice was loud enough for the young 12 year old Jet to hear who was in a deep sleep under a Pokemon blanket with all his toys surrounding him.

“No, cant get…up” Jet absolutely ignored his mums voice but knew that today his Pokemon journey was going to begin and he couldn’t be late he quickly got up and fell out of his bed.


Jet was a 12 year old boy, dark brown hair that was all over the place, brown eyes, he usually wore a Pokemon hat on his head backwards ¾ shorts and a long t-shirt, his attitude had some problems over confident and always goes by his own ways doesn’t usually listen to others and his quiet cheeky.


Jet walked down the stairs nearly slipping on each step he stubbornly walked to the breakfast table and sat down.

“Hi Jet see you aren’t in a good mood” giggled Mum.


Mum was 33 long brown hair, blue eyes, and usually wore a pink t-shirt and long black pants, she was kind and nice but had a little tad of cheekiness about her.

“Yea, Yea…mhnmm” Jet groaned.


He quickly skulled his orange juice and put his whole breakfast (2 slices of toast) in his mouth and nearly choked if it wasn’t for his mums help to stop choking he probably would’ve choked

“Haha your still my baby 12 years old and he was about to choke” laughed mum.

“Mum I’m 12 years old give it a break your 33 better start looking for a coffin” laughed Jet.

“Yes…Ok…” mum said.

“I’m off to start my journey bye mum see you Chou, Bonjour I don’t even know what does words mean but what the hay” Jet smirked.

“Also Jet I packed everything in your bags oh and if you check there’s some nappies there just in case for you” Mum laughed.


Jet smirked and confidently walked out of the house he rushed to Professor. Oaks house nearly as quick as the Flash himself.

“Hi Prof. Oak I’m right on time” Jet confidently said.

“No you are not your 1 hour late Daylight Savings Time” said Prof. Oak.

“Ohh C***” Jet softly swore.

“Your lucky though that I have plenty of Charmanders Baulbasaurs, Squirtels (The 3 starter Pokemon to choose from)” Oak smiled.

“Ok I’ve thought this over carefully but I’m going to choose you CHARMANDER!” Jet screamed.

“Ok good choice I’ll give u 5 pokeballs to catch some Pokemon and also heres your pokedex” Oak grinned.

“And 1 last thing Jet you will be traveling with Daniel and Sarah I’m sure you are all friends” Oak smiled.

“Ok” Grinned Jet


Jet rushed towards Daniel and Sarah who were outside, Sarah was a 12 year old girl with long blonde hair she was beautiful blue eyes who wore a purple t-shirt and a pink skirt, Daniel was a 12 year old boy with identical hair as Jet he wore a army t-shirt and black shorts he was very arrogant.

“Hi Sarah” Jet happily smiled “Hello …Daniel” smirked Jet.

“Hi Jet are you ready to start our journey?” smiled Sarah.

“Yea of course” smiled back at Sarah.

“Please this is not the time for romance don’t make me use my breath on you 2” smirked Daniel.

“Jet come on lets see what Pokemon we got” “GO CHARMANDER” Jet sent out Charmander.

“GO BAULBASAUR” Sarah sent out Baulbasaur.

“Go Squirtle” Daniel Sent out Squirtle


Charmander was a lizard type of Pokemon with a tail on the tip of the tail there was a flame it was defiantly a fire type orange coloured, Baulbasaur had a seed on its back it was like a flower still in a Bulb it was a grass type green coloured, Squirtle had a shell nearly around its whole body it was a water type blue coloured.

<Hi Jet> Charmander smiled

“Hi buddy glad to meet you come here…aghhhhhh” Jet shrieked


Charmander had just set him on fire with his tail

<Hehehe>


Charmander’s personality was identical to Jets he was very cheeky.

<Hi Daniel lets kick some trainer ***> Squirtle smirked .

“That’s my Pokemon” smiled Daniel.

<Hi Sarah I hope we can be the best of friends> smiled Baulbasaur.

“Awwww your so cute” smiled Sarah.

“Ok now it’s time to go we had our meet and greet now lets go!!! And start our journey first stop Viradian City!” smiled Jet.


;249-d;

 

[Yami Ryu]

... it's better in the fact it's not script. You still have a long way to go before it deserves anything more than one star. Rushed, lacking character description, description of actions and pokemon. Character depth (saying someone is cheeky because they set another someone on fire, is not character depth), and what little descriptions you do have for actions, makes no sense or makes it look retarded;

He quickly skulled his orange juice and put his whole breakfast (2 slices of toast) in his mouth and nearly choked if it wasn’t for his mums help to stop choking he probably would’ve choked

How could anyone skull orange juice? Humans skulls are not made from Orange Juice or vice versa. And the toast factor, how could a twelve year old shove two slices, of whole toast, into his mouth. Then the three chokings. That is just worded so badly I'm not even going to attempt to shake a stick at it to make it better.

I don't see any originality, any quirks, ANYTHING that makes this fic, or would make this fic worthwhile to read with such shallow characters, little depth for plot and description.

And I'm betting you wrote this in the reply box too... Get Word or Notpad, and write the next chapter in that. And take more than 30 minutes writing it. Otherwise you might end up with a second closed thread.

 

[Pinecone Tortoise]

First thing I noticed - teh numbers. Why do so many people keep using numbers instead of writing the word out? 'Twelve' instead of '12' is not that hard to do and it makes a piece of writing look so much more professional.

Second thing... Jet's mother. She's just a name - no personality and certainly no sense of realism. What mother allows their kid to get away with talking to them like:

“Mum I’m 12 years old give it a break your 33 better start looking for a coffin”

? It just makes no sense. Mothers are generally supposed to raise their offspring in a way that will let them function and interact with other people in society. Jet's mother seems absolutely insane - literally. What kind of psychologically able person laughs maniacly one moment, then cows down before her own twelve year old the next? And NAPPIES for a TWELVE YEAR OLD?! It's ridiculous. The woman is so clearly insane, it's a wonder she hasn't been institutionalised. Then again, the effects of such a troubled upbringing ARE showing on Jet, so perhaps there is a sense of continuity and logic here.

Jet appears to be a nasty little boy. Disobedient and downright rude to his mother, high strung and foul mouthed. It's a sad little story indeed that you've got here. And on top of all the family trouble, the kid got a mean and violent pokemon.

Sarah and Daniel seem quite stereotyped. The cute, friendship orientated love interest and the tough, arrogant rival? And for them to get matching pokemon... it doesn't work for me. Just too one-dimensional.

Also... why on earth would Jet have to travel with Sarah and Daniel and why would Oak have left telling him to the last minute? Did Oak feel that twelve year olds should travel together for safety? Did he think that they'd learn from each other and help each other as trainers? Did he feel it would help them to develop social skills while out on their trainer journey so they didn't come back even more anti-social and unreacheable? Did he wait to the last minute so the kids wouldn't have to time to protest or form preconceptions of travelling together as a bad thing? Did he think they already knew? Any of these reasons would work, as would countless others, but you have to have at least A reason. What you've got now looks like a random plot device to give Jet some travel buddies.

The thing with fics is you generally have to spoon feed the reader. The reader can't seen in your mind and know the reasons behind everything or know what things look like. You need to tell the reader, otherwise they find themselves reading only part of a story and stop reading because a narrative where a great deal is missing with no explanation is boring and hard to read.

I'm not saying you don't have reasons for the plot development or well developed characters - I'm saying it's not conveyed in your fic. Spoon feeding is a good word for it. You need to tell the reader practically everything (but not all at once, mind you!). Tell us what your characters are thinking and feeling. Let us know who they are as people - this will help form a connection between the reader and the character that builds empathy and interest in the story. Don't waste time on telling us what they're wearing (unless this is for some reason vastly important or interesting) but tell us about they way they move and behave and interact.

And another thing that I suggest your edit your first chapter to fix (it's a serious problem) - grammar and punctuation. I think there were even a few spelling errors. Just run your fic through a Spellchecker before you post it. the Word Spellchecker has a grammar/punctuation function as well. If you don't have access to that, perhaps you could ask someone to beta (proof) read your work for you. It's a big ask, though, and not many people would be willing to spend that amount of time working on your fic. Especially as the chapters get longer (which I hope they do).

Your best bet is simply to read through yourself. Remember full stops and commas in particular. Those are very necessary to help the meaning and fluidity of your thoughts be conveyed to the reader.

On a brighter note, I like your spacing. You've paragraphed your fic very well and to see the speech separated from the rest of the text is VERY refreshing. A big well done to you there.

Anyway, good luck and have fun for next chapter. I know I've picked at a lot of points here, but it's because I think you can manage it. Your fic is in its very early stages, so it's natural that you won't have all of these things underhand yet - I'm giving you these hints now as a guide for future chapters. ^^ Happy New Year!

Piney.
;204;;324;

 

[Boonge]

Thanks for the advice ;224;

 

[Guitar dude bill]

OK. Seeing as this isn't your first fic (really) I'm gonna be harsh and blunt on you. Sorry. But it ain't your first.
Your grammar is absolutely horrible. You use little to none commas and full stops, If we were acting this out, we would die from losing our breath. Shall I just go over the basics of grammar?
Full stops (.): Used at the end of an action or description.
Commas (,): Used if you're reffering to what you just said or listing things.
And also. When Oak said good choice, a little bit afterwards you said 'u' instead of 'you'. Can't you take a second or even less than that to right in full? And spell out your numbers in full like 'three' instead of '3'. Especially in speech.
And your descriptions are absolutely terrible. I mean, you just, at certain points, decide to cram it into one place. Don't go, jet did stuff, jet is like this and this and this. And don't describe their personalitys in narration, just make them say stuff to prove their personalitys. Just describing them in narration is lazy.
And hasn't this thing been done to death already? I suggest you look at advice for aspiring authors sticky.
But still, keep writing, I'm sure you can improve. Just have fun and improve.