Pokemon Generations: Satsumi's Journey

[Dramatic Melody]

Guess who forgot to drop a review for Chapter 3?

This guy.

That's how my parents met. Staring out at the same river, I couldn't help thinking of the story... and how it had turned out. It made me so sad to think of that girl, who had no idea of what was ahead of her-- how deeply she'd come to love that boy, how happy her life with him would be... how heartbroken she'd be when he disappeared.

At first I was intrigued why you started the chapter that way, but how you built it up to this is amazing.

So that was it. Of course my dad said nice things about me, he was my dad. Had he ever told about the times I'd gotten mad at him for leaving? How, once, when he tried to explain that he loved me and my mom more than anything, I'd yelled, “No, you don't, all you care about is Pokemon training!” and run up to my room and slammed my door? How sometimes I wouldn't talk to him no matter how hard he tried to win me over? No, of course not. My dad would never tell on me, or even blame me, for the stupid, mean things I'd done and said. That was the worst part-- I'd made him feel terrible. It'd been years since I'd thrown a tantrum like that, but I'd been a total brat. And I hadn't been brave when I was sick, either; I'd been frustrated and depressed, even scared. Suddenly I felt guilty, like I was lying to Fuuka and Kazeo. But I couldn't tell them the truth-- what would they think?

Ah, it's actually refreshing to see this side of Satsumi. So far we've seen how strong their bond has been by being a family (and how weak it's become by being apart), but to see that she still thinks about the thorns in their relationship really makes that bond seem stronger imo. Good job putting this here.

And that's probably what I like most about this chapter. It spends a lot of time exploring Satsumi's personality, and it does so in a very detailed way. I noticed that she has very few lines here, yet her silence is pretty successful in conveying how she's taking in all of this, how she's reacting to the prospect of being a trainer. And when you get to her breakdown to the end, it's so satisfying since it seems like all the little things about the chapter that bothered Satsumi (and, well, that one big thing I quoted above) built up nicely to this emotional conclusion.

I also like how you take time to explore Fuuka and Kazeo here, too, much more than you did in the previous chapter. I even half-expected Fuuka to be the one to explain both hers and Kazeo's backstories, haha. And you do well in contrasting them here - granted, in Satsumi's eyes they're both better trainers/journeyers than her, but with everything they tell her it's interesting now that we get a sense of how they also have their own "baggage to carry", so to speak.

Not much else to say since it's a pretty uneventful chapter compared to the previous one, but it's very successful in moving the story forward and exploring the characters more. Great job!

 

[Hakajin]

Guess who forgot to drop a review for Chapter 3?

This guy.

Haha, don't worry about it; I'm way behind on my reviews!

At first I was intrigued why you started the chapter that way, but how you built it up to this is amazing.

Aw, thanks! I do want to show Satsumi's connection to her parents, and to their relationship... Especially on Misty's side. I imagine that's something they'd talk about as mother and daughter.

Ah, it's actually refreshing to see this side of Satsumi. So far we've seen how strong their bond has been by being a family (and how weak it's become by being apart), but to see that she still thinks about the thorns in their relationship really makes that bond seem stronger imo. Good job putting this here.

Thanks! I'm glad you appreciated that, because it was important to me to show that side of her. There's a risk when writing parent/child relationships of making everything too nicey-nice, the perfect family. Or of going the other way, and making the relationship too stereotypically contentious. These things are especially big temptations when you're writing about canon characters, I think. So, what I wanted to do was show that, while Satsumi normally gets along with her parents, she does fight with them. She's a kid, she gets angry and unreasonable sometimes. But the reason she's able to be that way with her parents is because she's close to them, she feels comfortable being herself. Honestly, I hadn't thought of it before, but I kind of like how that contrasts with how she holds herself back with Fuuka and Kazeo. Aaaand now I'm reviewing my own fic. Eheheh. But yeah, I didn't want her to be perfectly sweet and shy.

And that's probably what I like most about this chapter. It spends a lot of time exploring Satsumi's personality, and it does so in a very detailed way. I noticed that she has very few lines here, yet her silence is pretty successful in conveying how she's taking in all of this, how she's reacting to the prospect of being a trainer. And when you get to her breakdown to the end, it's so satisfying since it seems like all the little things about the chapter that bothered Satsumi (and, well, that one big thing I quoted above) built up nicely to this emotional conclusion.

Thanks again! Like I keep saying, the most important thing to me is getting Satsumi's (and the other characters') emotions across.

I also like how you take time to explore Fuuka and Kazeo here, too, much more than you did in the previous chapter. I even half-expected Fuuka to be the one to explain both hers and Kazeo's backstories, haha. And you do well in contrasting them here - granted, in Satsumi's eyes they're both better trainers/journeyers than her, but with everything they tell her it's interesting now that we get a sense of how they also have their own "baggage to carry", so to speak.

Not much else to say since it's a pretty uneventful chapter compared to the previous one, but it's very successful in moving the story forward and exploring the characters more. Great job!

I'm glad you liked that part! I still need to work on what I want to do with them, but I feel like I have a much more solid foundation here. Especially with Kazeo; he was kind of blank when I first started out, and it showed. Something that interested me with this chapter was what a difference knowing his character made. Even though I haven't gotten into it much, just knowing what's going on underneath with him made his character come across stronger in my writing. Like, even without that I would've had him act and react in pretty much the same way, I think... But something feels different. I think; I don't know, maybe it's just me... but I wonder how much is obvious to readers?

Glad you think the pacing's fine, too. This is one of those "in-between" chapters that always intimidates me so much; I'm always worried I won't have enough story between the major plot-points, lol.

Anyway, thanks so much for the review! It was really helpful!

 

[Hakajin]

Interlude II​

It's been years since I last visited my father's library, and I'm reminded why the instant I set foot inside-- this place feels like a dungeon. I don't question its importance of course; as my father says, we must preserve our history for future generations. But why should I sit in the cold, dark gloom, surrounded by dusty stone tablets, when I could be enjoying the fresh air and sunlight of the garden?

Perhaps I should ask Sena-- he seems right at home here. I sit down on a cushion before the table while he goes to the shelf built into the wall opposite. When he returns, he's cradling a tablet in both arms, as if it were a child, and when he reaches the table, lays it down so gently that it makes no sound against the thick wood. He runs his thin fingers over the engraved letters, his touch a caress. A faint smile lights his face. In the year I've known him, I've never seen Sena look this... happy. To look at him, you'd think he was meeting an old friend. A chill runs down my spine, despite the heat of Arcanine' resting against me-- what kind of person feels so much for something like this? When I speak, it's mostly to break the eerie silence.

“Care to tell me exactly what this is, Sena?” I ask.

He looks up at me with wide eyes, as if he'd forgotten I was even here.

The flickering lamplight makes his skin look white and ghostly, casts strange shadows on his face. I resist a shiver, and Arcanine tenses.

“Well?” I say, trying to sound bored.

Sena looks at the tablet again, then back to me.

“Yes, Your Highness,” he says, obviously flustered, “this is a history. From Shul.”

“I already know the history of Shul,” I say, not that there's much to know.

Sena nods.

“Yes, Your Highness, I'm sure you do,” he answers. “But this is history according to the people of Shul.”

“What do you mean?” I ask, narrowing my eyes. “History is history. It's the same no matter who's telling it.”

“That's not entirely true, Your Highness,” Sena says.

I sit up straight and tall and say, “Are you contradicting me, Sena?”

Sena pulls back and holds out his open palms. “All I mean is, there are some important differences between the stories told in Urutu and the ones told in Shul.”

“Yes, I understand that,” I say in a measured tone. “What I don't understand, is what you hope to accomplish by teaching me lies.”

Even in the dim light, I can see Sena's jaw clench, the flash of anger in his eyes. A jolt runs through me, but somehow I'm able to keep myself from recoiling. Arcanine lifts his head from his paws and looks to me. My eyes dart to him for only an instant-- not long enough for Sena to notice, I hope. I relax my grip on Arcanine's fur and try to regain my composure. That's right, I have nothing to fear from Sena, not with Arcanine here. Sena seems to remember his place, too; he sighs and leans back.

“Forgive me, Your Highness,” he begins, “I did not intend to--”

“Is my father aware that you've brought your heresy into his palace?” I interrupt, trying to sound confident.

But Sena seems unfazed by my attempt at intimidation.

“Your father is the one who told me to record it,” he says easily. “It was for that purpose that he brought me here.”

I'm shocked-- I knew my father loved stories, but why on earth would he seek out those that are false?

I can't think of a proper response, and Sena continues, “After all, they are only harmless stories, no threat to your great father.”

“I know that,” I exclaim, showing more frustration than I intended. “Only...” I stare at my hand on Arcanine's back, trying to find the proper way to say what I want, then look back at Sena. “It is not for me to question my father. But I'm afraid I do not understand his interest in these... stories. They seem beneath him, to me.”

Sena takes a breath, starts to say something, then pauses, pursing his lips.

“I'm not sure I would call it 'interest' on His Majesty's part,” he says finally.

“What do you mean?” I ask.

He waves his hand dismissively and says, “It doesn't really matter.” He moves back into the lantern light. “The important thing is that you develop an understanding and appreciation for what is to be your new homeland.”

I smirk and can't help laughing a little to myself.

“Is something amusing, Your Highness?” Sena asks.

He knows very well what it is; this is just an attempt to subtly admonish my rudeness. I decide to use to opportunity to taunt him further.

“It's just that, it seems very unlikely that I'll ever be able to 'appreciate' Shul,” I say, still smiling, as if the remark is completely innocent. “Even you, Sena, must admit how barren it is compared to Urutu.”

Sena grimaces, but nods.

“It's true that Shul is mostly desert,” he says. “But it is my hope that you can find something to admire in its history and culture.”

I smile blankly at him but say nothing.

“Don't you think, Your Highness...” Sena starts, his eyes darting between me and the tablet. “That is to say, would it not be better, for you...” He pauses and frowns, casts his eyes downward. Then he looks at me again and says, “I only want to help you be happy in your new home.”

My fake smile instantly falls away as anger swells within me. As if a few silly stories are enough to make me happy! How dare he treat my pain so lightly! And how dare he pretend that he has any care for my happiness! Surely, he knows that I know that his intentions, whatever they are, are completely selfish. It is an insult to my intelligence for him to pretend otherwise. Though I can't see his face, I feel Arcanine bare his teeth and resist the urge to growl.

Sena bows his head and says, “Forgive me, Your Highness, I did not intend to upset you.”

“You have not upset me,” I say coldly, arms crossed. I try to remain aloof, try to give no sign that I'm holding in tears. “I sincerely doubt that these stories will be of any help to me,” I say firmly, “but you seem to believe they will. There's no harm in it. Very well, then. Shall we begin?”

“Yes, of course,” Sena finally says, turning his attention to the tablet between us. “Let us start at the beginning.”

“That's reasonable,” I say, coldly.

He grimaces, but all he replies is, “This is the story of the creation of the world.” He looks down at the tablet and begins, “Before there was heaven, before there was earth, before there was field or river or mountain, there was the great Pokemon of salt waters, Tiamu, and the great Pokemon of fresh waters, Apsatta. In those days, Tiamu was of the same body as Apsatta, Apsatta was of the same body as Tiamu. Together, these two, Tiamu of the salt water and Apsatta of the fresh water, created Lehurat, the Pokemon who shines, and Lehursu, the Pokemon who sees. Together, these two, Tiamu of the salt water and Apsatta of the fresh water, created Muddat, the Pokemon who cries out, and Mudasshu, the Pokemon who hears. And together these four, Luhurat who shines and--”

“How long does this go on?” I ask, tapping my fingers on the table. “I know all of this, get to the interesting part.”

Sena clenches his jaw and doesn't look at me. But he says, “Yes, of course,” He continues, “Many ages passed. Tiamu of the salt water and Apsatta of the fresh water were still, still as they had always been. But the Pokemon they had created, Lehurat who shines and Lehursu who sees, Muddat who cries out and Mudasshu who hears--”

I sigh loudly, and Sena grimaces, but skips ahead. I notice that he's not really reading from the tablet anymore.

“These Pokemon were not still, these Pokemon were full of motion, as had never been before. Full of motion, these Pokemon disturbed the two Pokemon who created them, the two who lay still, Tiamu of the salt water and Apsatta of the fresh water. Thus, Tiamu of the salt water and Apsatta of the fresh water rose against the Pokemon they had created, against...” he pauses. “Well, I suppose I should skip this part, too...” he trails off.

“Perhaps you should skip the whole thing,” I say. “I already know this story.”

Sena looks up at me, tilts his head slightly, and says, “Well, then. Perhaps you would be pleased to finish it, Your Highness?”

His tone doesn't sound mocking, but I can't guess what he's thinking.

I sit up straight and say, “And what would be the point of that?” I ask. “The rest of the story is contained in your tablet, is it not?”

“It is,” Sena says with a nod. “I inscribed it myself. But I'm interested to hear how your people tell it.”

I smile, fold my hands in my lap, and say, “Very well.”

If he thinks I don't really know the story, if he intends to make a fool of me, he's going to be disappointed. I've heard it recited countless times in court and know every word by heart.

I close my eyes and begin, “And Tiamu and Apsatta were roused by the Pokemon they had created. Thus, Tiamu said to Apsatta, let us rise up and silence those who disturb us, that we may rest once again. Apsatta replied to Tiamu, let it be so. Tiamu gnashed its poison fangs, and Apsatta roared. Tiamu attacked with sharp claws, and Apsatta crushed with strong grip.”

I'm falling into a good rhythm.

“Now, these two were stronger than any that they had created. But Tiamu and Apsatta were but two, and those that they had created were four. For many days and many nights, for many ages, the battle raged, but neither side prevailed. But those that Tiamu and Apsatta had created were wiser than the two who had created them. Lehurat shone its light on Tiamu and Apsatta, and Lehursa foresaw their attack. Muddat cried out the warning, and Muddasshu heard the battle plan. Now, of these wise ones, Muddasshu was the wisest. He counciled with his kin, saying, let us create a warrior, let us create one to stand against Tiamu and Apsatta, who created us yet now oppress us. And his kin replied to Mudasshu saying, how shall we do such a thing, we who have no powers of creation?”

I pause and open my eyes to see Sena's reaction, expecting him to be annoyed that I know the story so well. But instead, he's leaning toward me, studying me intently. It's unnerving; I don't know how to react.

“Why did you stop?” He asks.

“I... I just lost my place, that's all,” I say. “You're making me nervous, staring at me like that.”

“Oh, please excuse me, Your Highness,” Sena says, pulling back and closing his eyes. “Is that better?”

“Yes,” I say. “Now, where was I? Oh, yes.”

I continue, “To them Muddasshu replied saying... saying... we shall trick Tiamu and Apsatta... and by our trickery... they shall create the one who will be their own downfall. Thus the four went to Tiamu and Apsatta, and said... let us put an end to this fighting, let us call a truce. And Tiamu and Apsatta replied saying, let it be so.”

I pause, stare at nothing, trying to remember the next line.

“Muddasshu then spoke, saying, it is our will that you, Tiamu and Apsatta, create a new Pokemon.”

That was too rushed; I must force myself to slow down.

“My kin and I will bless this Pokemon,” I say, ennunciating every word, “let this be a symbol of our truce.”

Now, it's too slow.

“And Tiamu and Apsatta replied saying, let it be so.”

I have to pause again, cursing Sena for making me so self-conscious. Is this what he wanted? Well, if that's the case, I can't let him win. I close my eyes again, try to forget that Sena is even here.

“Thus the two created a great egg. Lehursa gave the gift of sight to the one who laid inside, and Lehurat gave the gift of light. Muddasshu gave the gift of hearing, and Muddat gave the gift of sound. Muddat whispered into the ear of the one who laid inside, saying, Tiamu and Apsatta, the two who created you, the two before you, are your enemy. Rise up, and attack them.”

Good, I seem to have found my rhythm again. I'm near the end of the story now, all that's left is to finish it.

“Then Arceus, the creator, emerged from the egg. Arceus saw Tiamu and Apsatta and knew them to be his enemy, and cried out against them. Stretching out his thousand arms, straining with all his might, he pushed Tiamu down and lifted Apsatta up, so that the two were separated. And Tiamu became the sea and Apsatta became the sky.”

I stop there, because the next line starts a new part of the story.

“Well done,” Sena says. He seems to be fighting a smile, which is unnerving. “You're very sharp, Your Highness.”

That's not the response I was expecting. My face goes hot, but I try to remain composed.

“There's nothing to it,” I say with a wave. “Anyone would remember that story, having heard it so many times.”

“I don't think so,” Sena says.

“Are you contradicting me, Sena?” I warn.

“No, forgive me,” he says, pulling back and holding his hands up. “I only meant, I don't think most people would be able to recite it, line for line, the way you just did.”

“I am a princess of Urutu,” I say in a measured tone. “It's my duty to know the legends of my father's country.”

Sena nods and says, “Yes, of course.” He pauses, leans back and tilts his head, then says, “What do you think of that legend?”

“What do you mean, what do I think?” I ask.

“Well, how does it make you feel?” he replies. “Do you like it?”

What a strange question! I don't know what he's getting at.

“Do I like it?” I ask. “What does that matter?”

Sena shrugs and says, “I'm simply curious.”

“Do you like it, Sena?” I ask, trying to confound him.

“Yes, I do,” he says easily. “It's especially interesting to me, how it's different from the story we tell in Shul.”

I'm silent for a moment, but then my curiosity gets the better of me, and I ask, “How is it different?”

“Well, the events of the story are the same in both version,” Sena answers, “but...” He purses his lips and looks up, thinking. He sits up, leans toward me and says, “Well, for example, in the Urutu version, the younger Pokemon gods 'are 'wise.' But in the Shul version, the word is our old word for 'cunning.'”

“That's no difference,” I say. “They mean the same thing.”

Sena doesn't answer, but purses his lips.

“They do,” I say, frustrated that he disagrees with me. “How could you possibly think that such a small difference in wording means anything?”

“Well...” Sena begins. “But I don't want to contradict you, Your Highness.”

Now he's mocking me.

“Just say it, Sena,” I say, “you are testing my patience.”

He nods and says, “All right. Since you asked, Your Highness, I think that 'wise' sounds better than 'cunning.'”

I laugh and say, “So you admit that our version is superior to yours?”

“That's not what I mean,” Sena says, shaking his head. “What I mean is...” He looks to the ceiling for a moment, then back at me. “The word 'cunning' has... negative... implications that 'wise' does not.”

“No, it doesn't,” I say. “Cunning means 'smart,' 'clever,' 'quick-thinking.' Those are good things.”

“Yes, they are,” he says with a nod. “But is that all it means?”

“Well.” I think about it for a moment. “I suppose someone 'cunning' knows what to do and say to get what he wants from others.” I concede.

“Right!” Sena exclaims, nodding and his eyes wide and glittering. “There's an implication of deceptiveness there.”

Sena must think himself clever indeed if he is bold enough to discuss deception with me. I don't want to give him any excuse for whatever plans he has for me, but the desire to win the argument is too strong, and I reply, “Sometimes deception is necessary. It was for the younger Pokemon gods.”

“That's true,” he says, nodding. “But would you trust someone 'cunning?'”

“It depends,” I say, staring at him pointedly.

I want him to know that I'll not be taken in by him.

But Sena only smiles, briefly, and says, “But you understand what I'm saying. If someone is 'cunning,' his trustworthiness is in question, at least. Not so with someone 'wise.'”

I frown, unhappy at losing the point. But I still have more to say.

“All right, I see your point,” I say, crossing my arms and leaning back, but still holding my head high. “But what does the word matter? What happened, happened; the description doesn't change it.”

“No, of course it doesn't.” Sena says. “But it tells you something about how the people telling the story think. For the people of Urutu, it was a good thing when the younger Pokemon gods tricked Tiamu and Apsatta. But for the people of Shul it was...” He spreads his hands open and stares at them for a moment. “Perhaps a necessary evil.”

“What are you saying, Sena?” I ask, narrowing my eyes at him. “That the people of Shul are more righteous than we in Urutu?

“No, not at all!” Sena says, holding his hands up and pulling back. “I admire those able to prevail with nothing but their wits.” His eyes sparkle in the lantern light.

Suddenly I feel very unsettled. I feel Arcanine's muscles tense under my hand. Is he talking about himself? Would Sena really be foolish enough to betray his true motives like that? No. He's many things, but he's no fool. But then, he must know that I know this. Perhaps he means to mislead me, perhaps he thinks I won't suspect him if he acts as if he has nothing to hide. Or perhaps he thinks that he's in complete control, that what I suspect or don't suspect doesn't matter.

“Is something the matter, Your Highness?” Sena asks, a practiced look of concern on his face.

“No,” I snap. “Do you think I look as if something is the matter?”

He shakes his head and says, “Not at all. You were just so quiet for a moment that I thought...”

“You thought what?” I say, my face turning hot.

Sena shakes his head and says, “Nothing. I was merely concerned.”

Surely, he doesn't expect me to believe that. Yet he said it with such confidence. I can't tell what Sena's thinking, and it drives me mad. Meanwhile, I keep giving myself away, showing my frustration, turning red... It's humiliating. He's making me feel like a petulant child. And of course, that only makes it harder to conceal my emotions. Time to withdraw, I think, at least for now.

“I grow tired now,” I say, standing. Arcanine rises with me. “I want to retire to my chamber.”

Sena stands, too, in deference, and says, “Very well, Your Highness. Shall we continue tomorrow?”

I nod slowly and say, “We shall.”

Then I turn and walk away, slowly, Arcanine close at my side. He pauses to look back at Sena, but obeys when I urge him forward. I can feel Sena's eyes on my back, compelling me to stop and look back at him, too, but I refuse. Next time I won't allow him to affect me like this; next time I'll be prepared. Today marks the last time Sena will ever best me-- I swear it.

 

[Sike Saner]

So that was it. Of course my dad said nice things about me, he was my dad. Had he ever told about the times I'd gotten mad at him for leaving? How, once, when he tried to explain that he loved me and my mom more than anything, I'd yelled, “No, you don't, all you care about is Pokemon training!” and run up to my room and slammed my door? How sometimes I wouldn't talk to him no matter how hard he tried to win me over? No, of course not. My dad would never tell on me, or even blame me, for the stupid, mean things I'd done and said. That was the worst part-- I'd made him feel terrible. It'd been years since I'd thrown a tantrum like that, but I'd been a total brat. And I hadn't been brave when I was sick, either; I'd been frustrated and depressed, even scared. Suddenly I felt guilty, like I was lying to Fuuka and Kazeo. But I couldn't tell them the truth-- what would they think?

Whether or not those things happened, I somehow get the feeling she's remembering herself as a bit brattier than she actually was, out of guilt. Like she wishes she'd treated her dadbetter while he was still accounted for.

Sena bows his head and says, “Forgive me, Your Highness, I did not intend to upset you.”

“You have not upset me,” I say coldly, arms crossed.

Suuuuuuuuuure he hasn't.

Today marks the last time Sena will ever best me-- I swear it.

And I doubt it.


Wish I'd caught back up with this sooner, but better late than never, I suppose. I made sure to reread the older chapters first, and sure enough, it was more enjoyable on the second go-around. Maybe I'm just in a more appreciative mindset, or maybe there've been some darn good edits. Or heck, maybe both. Point is, glad to see this one still alive and kicking.

 

[Hakajin]

Whether or not those things happened, I somehow get the feeling she's remembering herself as a bit brattier than she actually was, out of guilt. Like she wishes she'd treated her dadbetter while he was still accounted for.

Well, I feel like she was just being a normal kid. She felt neglected and was overwhelmed by her emotions. But Satsumi's got a strong sense of responsibility, so she can be pretty hard on herself. The current situation just brought it up for her.

Suuuuuuuuuure he hasn't.

Haha, that really made me laugh!

And I doubt it.

Those two are going to have an... interesting relationship. I hope, anyway.

Wish I'd caught back up with this sooner, but better late than never, I suppose. I made sure to reread the older chapters first, and sure enough, it was more enjoyable on the second go-around. Maybe I'm just in a more appreciative mindset, or maybe there've been some darn good edits. Or heck, maybe both. Point is, glad to see this one still alive and kicking.

No problem; I'm totally behind on all my fic reading. Thanks! Well, I did edit the first interlude quite a bit. And a little of chapter 2... Glad you enjoyed it, though! Thanks for the review! I definitely plan to see this fic through to the end, even if it does take me a while between updates.

 

[diamondpearl876]

A chill runs down my spine-- what kind of person feels so much for a thing like this?

There's a certain sense of naivety and curiosity that I really enjoy from this sentence. I don't think this opening scene is supposed to be creepy, given the word choice, so!

“What do you mean?” I ask, narrowing my eyes. “History is history. It's the same no matter who's telling it.”

Yep, this definitely shows lots of naivety. XD

“Yes, I understand that. What I don't understand, is what you hope to accomplish by teaching me lies.”

Ohhh, and a sense of ignorance and the act of holding on to it is... actually, nothing new, but I don't see it often in pokemon fics themselves.

Arcanine lifts his head from his paws and looks to me. My eyes dart to him for only an instant-- not long enough for Sena to notice, I hope.

The mention of Arcanine is pretty abrupt, I think. You could use him earlier for other things, such as providing light, or a vague radiation of warmth in what I assume is probably a chilly place (considering the speaker's shivering).

He knows very well what it is; this is just an attempt to subtly admonish my rudeness. I decide to use to opportunity to taunt him further.

I find it amusing myself that those part of royalty in books think they are very good at socialization, when, in fact, they just rely on manipulation tactics. Hum. EDIT: The legend itself was fascinating, and I loved the conversation about wordplay. Perhaps part of Sena's idea is to also show Your Highness just what kind of person she is herself, because I may or may not apply the word 'cunning' to her as well.

Sena stares at me for a second, lips pursed, uncertainty on his face. Half of me hopes that he knows he has wounded me and feels guilty for it (if he is even capable of guilt).

That parenthesis bit cements how strong I think this speaker's POV is. Clearly Sena is no threat (at least, not to the extent that Your Highness is making him out to be), but you have the reader connect to the speaker's POV more by using all these contradictions in the narrative.

 

[Hakajin]

There's a certain sense of naivety and curiosity that I really enjoy from this sentence. I don't think this opening scene is supposed to be creepy, given the word choice, so!

Really? Hm... I mean, the scene, at least, is supposed to be creepy. It's creepy to Innanna, and that's the only point of view I'm giving, so... Huh. That's interesting. One thing that's interesting, though, is that you really are picking up on something about the character here, something I didn't think would be obvious. Well, at least not as obvious as some of the other things about her.

Yep, this definitely shows lots of naivety. XD

Hm... That's an interesing way of putting it. I mean, you could call it naiviety, but...because of where it's coming from, I was thinking of it as more ignorance. Like, you know, fundamentalism.

Ohhh, and a sense of ignorance and the act of holding on to it is... actually, nothing new, but I don't see it often in pokemon fics themselves.

I don't know if she's holding on to it so much as she doesn't even feel that her viewpoint is threatened. At least, not consciously.

The mention of Arcanine is pretty abrupt, I think. You could use him earlier for other things, such as providing light, or a vague radiation of warmth in what I assume is probably a chilly place (considering the speaker's shivering).

Yeah, I felt like that, too. That was the first place I felt I was able to mention him naturally... but the mention of warmth is a good idea.

I find it amusing myself that those part of royalty in books think they are very good at socialization, when, in fact, they just rely on manipulation tactics.

Well, I wouldn't say that Innanna thinks she's good at socialization. In fact, I don't even think she would think of things like friendship as something you can be good at. She does pride herself on being good at these kinds of social games. She just overestimates herself and underestimates Sena.

EDIT: The legend itself was fascinating, and I loved the conversation about wordplay. Perhaps part of Sena's idea is to also show Your Highness just what kind of person she is herself, because I may or may not apply the word 'cunning' to her as well.

Thanks! I used a lot of the Sumerian creation myth there.

That parenthesis bit cements how strong I think this speaker's POV is. Clearly Sena is no threat (at least, not to the extent that Your Highness is making him out to be), but you have the reader connect to the speaker's POV more by using all these contradictions in the narrative.

Thanks! I have been trying harder to make her distinct from Satsumi.

This review was really interesting, because while your viewpoint's different from what I intended. It's not contradictory, just... different. Um... not much else to say but thanks for the reivew!

 

[diamondpearl876]

I will say that by the end of the interlude I was really torn on a lot of the things I said. Though I left the comments to show you what I was thinking, as I was reading anyway. Overall I think this interlude is something I have to think about for a while after reading it, or I would have to re-read it knowing what I know now, which is a good thing. You left an impression in a short span of time.

But Sena seems right at home here. He cradles the tablet he's carrying in both arms, as if it were a child, and when he reaches the table in front of me, he lays it down so gently that it makes no sound against the thick wood. He runs his slim fingers over the engraved letters, his touch is a caress. A faint smile lights his face. In the year I've known him, I've never seen Sena look this... happy. To look at him, you'd think he was meeting an old friend. A chill runs down my spine-- what kind of person feels so much for a thing like this? When I speak, it's mostly to break the eerie silence.

I did consider a creepiness factor. I can see it with the "chill runs down my spine" part, and with "caress" and "eerie", which can be creepy, but you lose the effect putting them next to "happy", "gently" and being "right at home".

 

[Hakajin]

I will say that by the end of the interlude I was really torn on a lot of the things I said. Though I left the comments to show you what I was thinking, as I was reading anyway. Overall I think this interlude is something I have to think about for a while after reading it, or I would have to re-read it knowing what I know now, which is a good thing. You left an impression in a short span of time.

Thanks!

I did consider a creepiness factor. I can see it with the "chill runs down my spine" part, and with "caress" and "eerie", which can be creepy, but you lose the effect putting them next to "happy", "gently" and being "right at home".

Well, what I was going for is that it seems perverse to her that he'd be attached to a thing like that. Like, moods that you'd normally find welcoming can be off-putting in the wrong context. I'll have to think about how to pull that off better.

 

[Hakajin]

Chapter 4​

Outside the train window, my hometown streaked by. Looking down the hill I could see the rooves of all the places I'd known growing up-- the gym where my dad trained, the Pokemart where we'd stop for snacks on the way home, our house... I kept my eyes on it for as long as it was in view, even though imagining it all dark and empty made a lump form in my throat.

“Satsumi, did you hear what I said?” Fuuka asked.

I turned from the window to her and said, “Huh? Sorry, I wasn't paying attention.”

Fuuka frowned.

“Are you ok?” she asked, tilting her head to the side. “You seem kinda out of it.”

Kazeo leaned forward to look past her at me.

“I'm fine! Just tired!” I answered with a smile.

Fuuka smiled back and said, “Yeah, you had trouble sleeping last night, didn't you?”

“I guess so,” I said, glancing to the floor, then back at her. “I hope I didn't keep you awake.”

She shook her head and said, “Don't worry about us! We're the ones who should be worrying about you! Right, Kazeo?”

Kazeo nodded and said, “We understand. You had a nightmare about your dad, right?”

“Yeah...” I said, turning my face to the floor.

I wasn't sure why I'd lied about that. Fuuka had woken me up in the middle of the night, saying I was tossing and turning and talking in my sleep. I really had had a nightmare, but... Was it a nightmare? It hadn't been a scary dream. Upsetting, but not scary. There was something about it, though, that made me feel so strange. It had felt so real. Even now, I could see the huge stone library in my mind, as clearly as if I'd actually been there-- the gray light coming from the window slits near the ceiling, the rough stone walls, the beautiful patterns on the rugs that lined the floors. I could even feel the chill in the air, and Arcanine's warmth near me. And now I could remember the first dream, too, the one I'd had on the night before I left on my journey. I'd been in a huge garden, full of brightly colored flowers: huge red ones hanging from vines, clusters of tiny blue ones on long stalks, purple ones growing on shrubs. There were trees full of different kinds of fruit, ponds and fountains... And there had been Pokemon I'd never heard of before— butterfly Pokemon with bright blue, heart-shaped wings fluttering from flower to flower. Yellow lizard Pokemon with tails covered in spikes sunning themselves on rocks. Dark purple bird Pokemon with sparkling, crystal-like tail feathers that fanned out behind them and turned the sunlight into rainbows (that had been the most beautiful one of all). I even knew their names: Bellafly, Magana, Peacorra. The sun had been so warm, and the air sweet with the faint scent of flowers... It was the most beautiful, wonderful place I'd ever been.

But I'd been so unhappy. Everything was wrong-- my only friend had abandoned me, I was being forced to leave home and marry someone I'd never met... And there was that strange Ziggurat and the force I felt from it. It had stuck with me all day...

But none of it was real. I was stressed out, and I'd been thinking about Nirakar so much; no wonder I was having strange dreams. It was really completely normal. So... why did it still bother me so much? Maybe that was why I'd lied to Fuuka-- I couldn't tell her why the dreams had upset me.

“Satsumi?” Fuuka said.

I looked up from the floor to her, realizing she'd been speaking to me.

“Oh, sorry, Fuuka, I didn't mean to space out again!”

“It's fine!” She replied, smiling and holding up her hands. “I was just going over the plan for the next few days. Here, I'll show you on the map.”

She pulled out her Pokedex and tapped the screen a few times, then handed it to me and leaned in close. I stared down at the green and blue map on the screen while she drew a red path with her finger.

“Ok, so, the airport is in Saffron, right? We can stay in the Pokecenter there overnight, and fly to Nirakar the next day. Then Shada-- she's a member of my fansite-- said we could stay with her family while we're in Eternia City.” She looked at me. “What do you think?”

“Yeah, that's good,” I said, nodding.

It was a little too good. I felt kind of wrong going back to city life so soon after starting on my journey. After all, I'd really only had one full day on the road before getting on the train. Still, my body felt tired and achy, and I couldn't wait to sleep in a real bed. We needed to get to Nirakar as soon as possible, and this was the fastest way. So there was nothing to feel guilty about, right?

We were quiet for most of the train ride, with Fuuka doing stuff on her Pokedex and Kazeo reading a book. I kept nodding off, then catching myself, afraid of having another dream.

After a minute, Fuuka shook my shoulder and said, “Satsumi, wake up, this is our stop.”

“Huh?” I said, looking first at her and then around the train. The other passengers were already standing up and heading for the open doors. “Already?” I asked.

She smiled.

“It's been two hours, you slept almost the whole way,” she said, standing and offering her hand.

“Did you get a good rest?” Kazeo asked.

I nodded, took Fuuka's hand, and let her pull me to my feet. I still felt tired, and my neck hurt from how I'd been sleeping, but at least I hadn't had any more strange dreams. I hadn't dreamed of anything at all.

Fuuka and Kazeo led the way through the crowd and out of the station. Saffron City looked pretty much the same as I remembered it-- the center of the city was gray, nothing but high rises jammed against taller high rises. There were people everywhere, hurrying down the streets, at work in the buildings above us, even below our feet, riding the trains we'd just left. The last time I'd been here...

The last time I'd been here had been three years ago, when I was nine. That was right after my dad had won his third Pokemon League Championship, so he'd been away from home a lot, making TV appearances, competing in exhibition battles. My mom and I had gone to Saffron City to cheer on my dad in one of those matches. It wasn't an important one, so he'd had free time to spend with us, and I'd wanted to see the city.

I still remembered how small I'd felt looking up at those huge skyscrapers; they were all I could really see, except for the people all around me rushing here and there. There'd been so much noise-- cars, people talking and yelling... I'd stuck close to my mom. But I'd only been a little nervous; mostly, I'd just been excited to be there.

We'd met my dad (and Pikachu, of course) at his hotel, and set out to explore the street and shops. He kept getting stopped by fans who wanted autographs, or just to talk to him. He told the grown-up fans that he was with his family and didn't have time, but when it was a kid... He'd try to keep walking at first, but then they'd say something like, “Please, Mr. Satoshi-- you're my hero, I want to be just like you when I grow up!” And my dad would glance between them and me, then say, “Sorry, Satsumi, this'll just take a minute,” before turning away, crouching down to their level, and talking to them. Pikachu went with him, but kept looking back at me and my mom like he wasn't sure what to do. My dad could never say no to a kid who looked up to him. Except me, I thought bitterly. I knew that wasn't fair-- just because my dad cared about his fans didn't mean he loved me any less. But sometimes I wished he wasn't famous. The third time he stopped to talk to someone, tears started to form in my eyes. My mom must've noticed, because she put her hand on my shoulder and squeezed. When I looked up at her, she was glaring at my dad with a frustrated look on her face.

“Satoshi, this is supposed to be Satsumi's day,” she said when the kid was gone.

“I know,” my dad said with an apologetic smile, “I'm sorry, Satsumi.” He put his hand on my shoulder and got down on one knee to face me. “What can I do to make it up to you?”

I looked away, trying to hide the tears in my eyes.

“Come on, isn't there anywhere you want to go?” he said.

“Yeah,” I said, still not looking at him, “but no matter where we go...”

“Yeah, I know,” my dad said, then, “Hey, what if I got a disguise? Then no one will bother us!”

“Well, ok,” I said, though I wasn't so sure it would work.

The three of us stopped at a store, and my dad bought sunglasses and a new cap. It was a terrible disguise, and he tried so hard to not to stand out, walking stiff with his hands shoved in his pocket, barely talking, that he stood out even more than before.

The next time someone called out to him, he looked away from them, froze, and said, “Y-you've got the wrong guy, I'm not Satoshi!”

“Huh?” the boy said, confused. “Yes, you are. Is this a joke or something?”

My dad looked so nervous that my mom and I couldn't stop giggling.

“It's ok,” I said finally, through my laughter, “one more is ok.”

“It's too bad Team Rocket isn't here,” my mom said when the boy left, still looking confused, “they were always good at this kind of thing!”

After that, we headed out of the busy part of the city, away from the crowds, where people wouldn't bother us so much. He showed me the Saffron City gym, where he'd battled the gym leader, Natsume, so many years before. I even got to meet her-- a tall, beautiful, green-haired woman with a quiet smile and a pretty laugh.

While my dad reunited with Haunter (the Ghost Pokemon he'd given her years ago), she crouched down in front of me and asked, “Did you know your father's the one who taught me how to laugh?”

“Yes,” I said, smiling big. “He said that once you started laughing, it was like you couldn't stop!”

My dad had told me that, when he met Natsume, she was a cold, cruel person who used her psychic powers to turn trainers into dolls. But when they battled, Haunter had made Sabrina's Kadabra (who was standing beside her now) laugh so hard that he rolled on the floor. Since Natsume and Kadabra were psychically linked, she'd also started laughing uncontrollably, and it seemed to break the dark spell on her.

I smiled even bigger.

“Thank you,” I said, blushing.

That was one of my happiest memories. But now... the city looked pretty much the same as I remembered it, but it felt completely different. Everything was gray; the high rises seemed to lean in on me, and the sunlight reflecting off their windows blinded me. The buildings and the crowd made me feel so small that it was almost like I didn't exist. None of it seemed to bother Fuuka and Kazeo, though; they walked ahead of me, talking cheerfully.

“I'm starving,” Fuuka was saying, “let's find a restaurant.”

I was falling behind, but the people in front of me were walking too slow for me to run and catch up.

“Excuse me,” I muttered, trying to get around them.

But they didn't seem to hear me. People surrounded me on every side, and I couldn't break away.

“Fuuka!” I called, but not loud enough to be heard over the noise of the crowd.

All I could do then was to keep moving forward, until the sidewalk ended at a busy intersection and the crowd stopped to wait at the crosswalk. I turned this way and that, squeezing past people, until I came to the street. I stood on my toes, jumped up and down, trying to see over people's heads, looked in every direction.

But I didn't see Fuuka and Kazeo anywhere. I didn't know where they were going. My Pokedex was out of batteries, so I couldn't even contact them. I was completely lost. How could I have let this happen? I wondered, on the brink of tears. If only I'd paid more attention, if only I'd remembered to turn of my Pokedex when I wasn't using it... I'd been so stupid.

The walk sign came on, and the crowd started to move past me, some bumping into me. I looked around me, not sure which way I should go. Finally, someone said to me, “Move, kid, you're in the way,” so I started walking forward with the crowd. It was as good as any other direction. Pushing down panic, I tried to think of a plan. My parents had gotten separated from each other plenty of times, and they'd always found each other. That was right-- the city was huge, but Fuuka and Kazeo would never leave without me. Just try to think, I told myself, where would they look for me? The first place I thought of was the Pokemon Center. Yes, that was perfect-- Fuuka and Kazeo were bound to go there sooner or later; I could even charge my Pokedex there and call them.

I knew from my last visit to Saffon that the Pokemon center was just outside the urban center of the city, a straight line from the train station; I was already on the right path. It was a long walk-- my feet were hurting, and I was so tired-- but finally I turned a corner and its red-domed roof came into view. Just the sight of it was such a relief-- soon I could take a hot shower and a nice, long rest. Just a little farther, Satsumi, I told myself, you can do it.

The glass doors of the Pokecenter slid open with a whir as I approached, and I stepped into the wonderful cool air of the lobby. Nurse Joy, who was working on the computer behind the front desk, stood and greeted me.

“Welcome to the Saffron City Pokemon Center,” she said with a slight bow.

She looked exactly the same as the Nurse Joy back in Viridian City-- blue eyes, pink hair styled in heart-shaped buns on top of her head. She even wore the same frilly pink dress-uniform. But I already knew from my parents' stories that all Nurse Joys were identical, so I wasn't confused like they'd been.

“Um, hi,” I said.

I walked up to the desk and took off my backpack, then put it on the counter and took out Eevee's Pokeball.

“Can you take care of my Eevee for me?” I said, handing it to her. “Please.”

“Of course!” Nurse Joy said, smiling brightly as she took it from me. She handed it to Chancey, who took it between her plump pink paws and set it on a cart full of other Pokeballs behind the desk. I smiled and thanked Chancey, and she responded happily with, “Chancey!”

I asked Nurse Joy where I could find an electrical outlet, and she pointed me to one under a bench against the wall to our left. I thanked her, then crossed the room to the outlet, set my backpack down on the bench, took out my Pokedex and charger, crouched down, and plugged it in. Then I sat on the bench and turned the Pokedex on. After it loaded, 15 notifications popped up, all of them calls and messages from Fuuka and Kazeo.

The first message said, hey, where r u? and the last one said, satsumi, where r u?! we lookd all over! are you ok?! reply asap!!!!!!!!!!


I was hit with a wave of guilt for making them worry. But everything was ok now, or it would be as soon as I called them.

But before I could even press the call button, I heard the Pokecenter's doors whir open, and looked up to see who was coming. In walked the most beautiful person I'd ever seen in my life. I even gasped at her appearance; suddenly I understood what people meant when they said someone was “breathtaking.”

She was tall, curvy, and dark skinned, with sharp brown eyes and wavy, dark purple hair that fell to her lower back. She was dressed completely in purple; on the chest of her tight-fitting tunic was a white letter “I” with a golden, three-pointed crown on top. It reminded me of Retsu's Team Rocket uniform, which gave me a bad feeling.

But it wasn't just her uniform. The way she just stood there, hand on her hip, saying nothing, just staring at Nurse Joy... Chancey, who had been pushing the cart of Pokeballs to a door on the other side of the room, stopped in her tracks and watched with a concerned look on her face. Nurse Joy seemed to sense the tension in the room, too, because she looked blankly at the woman for a second before remembering to smile and say, “Welcome to Saffron City's Pokemon Center!” When the woman didn't respond, she added, “How can I help you?”

The woman still didn't answer, but smiled slightly and walked up to the desk unhurriedly. Then she said, “You can help me by giving me your Pokemon.”

Her voice was a little deep for a woman, and husky, with an accent.

“Wh-what?” Nurse Joy said, her smile fading.

“I said, you can help me by giving me your Pokemon,” the woman replied slowly. Then she added, “The ones on the cart there will do,” motioning toward Chancey with her shoulder

Chancey let go of the cart's handle and spread her arms wide in front of it, to protect it. Nurse Joy stood tall and rigid with her arms by her sides and said, almost too loudly, “That is one thing I cannot do. I'm sorry, but I'm going to have to ask you to leave.”

The woman laughed to herself and said, “Well, you can't say I didn't try to do things the easy way.”

Then she took a small, black, rectangluar item out of her pocket; it had an antenna, so I could tell it was some kind of electronic. She tucked her hair behind her ear, and I could see that she was wearing a glittering white earring in the shape of a teardrop. She closed her eyes, pointed the device at Chancey, and pressed a button on it. My whole body tensed, and I pressed myself against the wall... but nothing happened. At least, nothing seemed to. Then Chancey's eyes drooped, and her arms lowered.

Then the woman, eyes still closed, said, “Chancey, bring me the Pokemon.”

“Chancey,” Chancey said blankly.

She turned around, took the cart handle, and wheeled the cart around toward the woman.

“Chancey?” Nurse Joy said, clutching her hand to her chest. “What are you doing?”


But Chancey didn't seem to hear her, just kept rolling the cart toward the mysterious woman.

Nurse Joy put her hands on the counter and pushed herself up and over it. She rushed over to Chancey and took the cart handle in her own hands, planted her feet and struggled to gain control. The cart swayed and tipped as the two fought, the wheels lifting up and clacking back down. Finally, Chancey let go and shoved Nurse Joy, who fell to the ground, taking the cart with her. It hit the ground with a loud clatter, and the Pokeballs rolled away in ever direction.

The woman finally opened her eyes. She frowned and muttered something to herself, but put her device away. Then she pulled a bag from her other pocket, unfolded it, and got on her hands and knees to collect for the Pokeballs nearest her, putting them in the bag as she went. Nurse Joy started to reach for one near her, but Chancey pinned her against the desk.

“Chancey, stop, what's gotten into you?” she cried.

That was when I finally unfroze. Leaving my Pokedex on the bench, I jumped to my feet and started toward the center of the room on shaky legs-- I had to find Eevee. But I stopped in my tracks when I realized that I had no idea which Pokeball was mine. I'd have to grab as many as I could before the woman, and just hope that one of them was Eevee.

When I thought about it later, I realized it would've made more sense to start with the Pokeballs closest to me. But for some reason, my eyes settled on one that had bounced off the desk and was now rolling toward the woman. I ran for it, bending slightly forward, hand already outstretched. She reached for the Pokeball. I practically lunged for it, snapping it up just before she could, then fell, rolling with my own momentum. Everything hurt where I'd hit the ground (hard), but there was no time to stay still. I pushed myself onto my knees.

“Run!” I heard Nurse Joy call, “Hurry!”

But before I could even stand, two lavender boots stepped into view on the floor right in front of me.

Without raising my head, I heard the woman say, “Give it to me.”

I froze for a second, too afraid to look up at her. Then, I crawled backward, the woman following, until I ran into the wall behind me. She stood over me with the bag in one hand, holding the other out to me.

“Give it to me,” she said, more slowly this time.

I only clutched the Pokeball tighter. For a moment, I thought about sending out Eevee (or whatever Pokemon was inside the ball). But what chance would we have against the intimidating woman? Especially when she had that strange device. I still didn't know what she'd done to Chancey, but I knew I didn't want her doing it to another Pokemon, especially not Eevee. The woman shifted her weight to her left.

“Don't make this difficult,” she said, firmly, but not exactly threatening me. It was like she was telling me to clean up my room or brush my teeth, instead of trying to steal my Pokemon. “You can't get away; fighting will only make things more difficult for both of us.”


“Leave her alone!” Nurse Joy demanded. “Can't you see you're scaring her?”

But the woman completely ignored her.

I wrapped my body around the Pokeball and closed my eyes tight, praying for someone, anyone, to help me.

That's when I heard the whir of the Pokecenter door again, and heavy footsteps running in.

“Hey, back off!” the newcomer said, slightly out of breath. I knew that voice. “Her Pokemon are mine!”

The woman spun around to face him; I leaned to my left to look around her, and was actually relieved to see Retsu, standing there pointing at her. While she was distracted, I got to my feet and ran for the door.

“Hey!” the woman said, “get back here!”

I felt a swoosh of air as she grabbed for me, but she was too slow; I was almost at the door. But just as it opened, I stopped. What if the Pokeball I had in my hand wasn't Eevee? I couldn't risk leaving him behind. I forced myself to turn around. For a second, both the woman and Retsu just stood there, watching me. I watched them back. I stared at the woman's white earrings, sparkling in the sun. I noticed binoculars hanging from Retsu's neck and realized it wasn't just a coincidence that he was here. No one moved. I was sure the woman would attack me if I did. And she was afraid I'd run, I thought. It was Retsu who finally broke the stillness, turning back to the woman and going for Elekid's Pokeball at his waist.

“Wait!” I exclaimed, but it was too late.

“Go, Elekid!” Retsu called as he threw the Pokeball. “Get her!”

Elekid appeared in a flash of light, already spinning his arms.

“Elekid!” he said.

The woman looked down at Elekid with a slight smile. She set her bag on the floor beside her and took out the strange device again. She closed her eyes and pointed it at Elekid.

“Hey, what are you--” Retsu started

“Look out!” I called to him. “She uses that thing to control Pokemon!”

He turned to me with a confused look on his face and said, “What?”

But before I could answer, Elekid called out his name and hit Retsu with a Thundershock. Retsu convulsed and cried out in pain, falling to his knees when it was over.


“Elekid!” he said breathlessly, “What are you doing?! It's me!”

But Elekid just stared back at him blankly and spun his arms, preparing for another attack.

“Hey!” Retsu yelled at the woman. “What did you do to Elekid?!”

I looked at the Pokeball in my hand. If I tried to help, I might get myself in big trouble. But if I didn't, I might lose Eevee forever. There was no time to decide; if I was going to do something, it had to be right then. So before I could lose my nerve, I threw the Pokeball and forced myself to call loudly, “Go! Get that device away from her!”

As the light released from the ball took on Eevee's shape, I had a strange feeling, like I'd known it would be him all along-- it just felt right, somehow. As he ran forward, I felt the flow of his movement, could almost sense what he was going to do next. It was so weird... But there was no time to think about that now.

Eevee bounded toward the woman, who stumbled back until she was pressed against the wall, holding the device out of Eevee's reach as he leapt at it over and over. Then in one quick movement, giving her no time to react, Retsu sprung up, ran at the woman, and swatted the device out of her hand. It hit the floor with a loud clatter, a piece of the case breaking off and spinning across the floor. The woman moved to get on her hands and knees and reach for the device, but Eevee leaped in her face, making her jerk back, and Retsu turned and stomped on it.

The woman let out an angry grunt and hit the wall behind her with her fist. Then she closed her eyes for a second, took a deep breath, and looked back up, calm this time.

“Well, that didn't go as planned” she said, tucking her hair behind her ear. “But at least now I know it works.”

What does it matter if it works? I wondered. It's broken now.

Did she really think the device could be fixed? It didn't look like it, all cracked and bent, with wires sticking out where one of the buttons had been. Why wasn't she more upset about it? Even if I didn't know what the device was or how it worked, I could tell it was really powerful.

“What was that thing?!” Retsu demanded, pointing down at it.

“That does not concern you,” the woman said calmly.

“The heck it doesn't concern me!” he yelled. “What did you do to Elekid?!”

“Elekid will be fine, see?” she said, pointing at Elekid.

He was sitting on the floor, looking around confused.

“Elekid?” He said when he saw Retsu.

Retsu rushed over to him, scooped him up, and held him to his chest defensively, glaring at the woman angrily. Elekid clung to his shirt.

“Chancey, are you ok?” I heard Nurse Joy say.

I looked to them and saw Chancey nod at her with the same dazed expression as Elekid.

“Chancey,” she said.

Nurse Joy put her arm around her cautiously, and looked back at the woman in fear.

The woman crossed her arms and said, “I would never hurt a Pokemon. They will come back to themselves shortly.”

“You better hope they do,” Retsu spat.

The woman's only response was a small laugh. She started toward the broken device, but Eevee growled and hunched down to jump at her again. I didn't try to stop him; even broken, if the woman still wanted the device, it must be dangerous.

“Nuisance,” she mutttered.

She took a Pokeball from the white belt that followed the line of her hips and made it bigger.

Here,” the woman said, “I have a better opponent for you.”

Then she threw the ball, calling, “Go!”

Light flashed and took shape, and I gasped. There, standing right in front of me in the suddenly dim Pokemon center, was a dark purple bird Pokemon with sparkling, crystalline tail feathers that fanned out behind it and turned the sunlight streaming from the window into rainbows.

“Pea!” the Pokemon trilled, fluttering its wings.

I felt cold and the edges of my vision started to go dark, in spite of the brilliance of the Pokemon's feathers.

No way, I thought, There's just no way!

Eevee lowered his head and flattened his ears at the new threat.

“Eevee,” he growled.

“I see you've never seen a Peacorra before,” the woman said, smiling smugly at me. I realized my mouth was hanging open, and closed it. “Beautiful, isn't he?” She paused, and her smile vanished. “Beautiful, but dangerous.”

“Peacorra!” she called.

He turned his head and looked at his trainer, who was pointing to Eevee.

“Use Gust, knock this runt out of the way!”

Peacorra turned his back to Eevee and started beating his tail feathers rapidly up and down, causing a gust of air that knocked Eevee off his feet and sent him rolling along the wall.

“Eevee!” I cried.

He came to a stop near the desk and rolled onto his stomach, eyes spinning.

“Eevee, are you ok?” I called. “You have to get up!”

Eevee got one back foot under him, then a front foot, until he was standing... and swaying back and forth dizzily.

“Vee...” he said weakly, trying to keep his balance.

“Good job, Peacorra,” the woman said to her Pokemon. “That was no trouble at all for you, was it?”

Peacorra held his head high and trilled with pride.

The woman smiled at him. She started toward the device, which had spun across the floor in Peacorra's gust, and Retsu moved to stop her. Nurse Joy started to stand, too. The woman stopped walking, but didn't stop smiling for a second.

“Peacorra, use flash,” she said calmly.

Peacorra whipped around to face Retsu and Nurse Joy and adjusted his tail feathers so that they shone brilliant, glittering gold in the sunlight; it hurt my eyes to look at, even though Peacorra wasn't aiming at me. Retsu stopped in his tracks, wincing and turning his face away, with Elekid pressing his face against his chest. Nurse Joy sank back to the floor and covered her own eyes with one hand and Chancey's with the other. Retsu stepped back and forth, trying to find a way out of Peacorra's light, but Peacorra easily kept up with his movements. The woman stood just smiling at the scene for a second, then started toward the device again.

I couldn't panic, I had to think of something, I had to do something. But what? I was too far away to reach the device in time. I looked to Eevee and saw that he'd recovered; he was in between the woman and the device, and was already crouched down, aiming at her again. But if he got in her way, she'd just have Peacorra attack him again. She'd almost reached the device and didn't even need to worry about Retsu anymore. Then it hit me-- I knew what I needed to do. But would Eevee listen to me?

“Eevee!” I called.

Eevee's ears perked up, but he didn't take his eyes off the woman.

My whole body tensed as I called, “Eevee, you have to listen to me, this is important!”

I'd tried to sound calm, but there was still desperation in my voice. That was no good; Eevee wouldn't listen if I seemed weak. The closer the woman got to the device, the more panicky I got. And the more frustrated-- what I wanted Eevee to do was so easy, but he was being so stubborn. In my mind I was screaming it out, wishing that it could reach him somehow.

The woman stopped a little short of Eevee and called to Peacorra, who looked at her, waiting for instructions. If Eevee didn't do what I wanted right this second, it'd be too late. All I could do was try one more time.

But just when I opened my mouth to call out to him again, he turned his head and looked me in the eye, ears held high. Then he turned around, jumped toward the device, and picked it up in his mouth.

“Hey!” the woman yelled. “Put that down this second!”

She tried to block his path as he tried to run back toward me, stepping left and right to match his movements, but then Eevee ran right under her legs, causing her to trip.

The woman got back up just as I bent down to take the device from Eevee. I stood. She looked from me to Eevee, who faced her and growled defensively, to Peacorra, who was still using flash, to Retsu and Nurse Joy, who were still blinded by it. She turned one way, then the other, looking around the room for options. She paused, seeming to notice something. Suddenly, the woman hurried toward the bag of Pokeballs lying near the wall.

“No, stop!” I called.

But in another second, she was holding it up in her right hand, staring back at me with her left hand on her hip and a smug grin on her face.

“Oh, you want them?” she said in a taunting voice.

I didn't answer; I knew exactly what she was going to say next.

She pointed at the device in my hand.

“Then give that to me,” she said.

I held it close to my chest.

“There is no other way,” she said, as if she'd read the question in my mind.

But there had to be. Didn't there?

“Fine, have it your way,” the woman said with a shrug. She held up Peacorra's Pokeball and said, “Peacorra, good job, return.”

When Peacorra was safely back inside the ball, she put it back on her belt, turned, and walked calmly toward the door.

“Wait!” I called when the doors slid open.

The woman stopped and slowly turned toward me, still smiling.

“Yes?” she said.

“Don't trust her!” Retsu called.

I looked to him and Nurse Joy; they were still blinking a little, but seemed ok.

“She has to!” Nurse Joy exclaimed. “Think about the Pokemon!”

“She's gonna steal a lot more Pokemon if she gets that thing back!” he said. “Take it from a thief!”

“And why should we trust a thief?!” Nurse Joy replied.

The woman just stood there, watching, waiting for me to decide.

What would my dad do? I wondered. But my dad would never have gotten into a situation like this in the first place, would he? When it was really important, he never lost. But if there was no other way, I thought, trying to shake off my doubts and think. Retsu had a point (I thought I could trust him this time, since there was no reason for him to lie). But then I thought of the people who owned the Pokemon; they'd be so heart-broken if they came back for them only to find out they'd been stolen. That's how I'd feel if it was Eevee. The woman might steal other Pokemon if she got the device back... But that hadn't happened yet. Maybe she wouldn't be able to fix it. Maybe she'd get caught before she could even try. Right now, I had to save these Pokemon from being stolen.

“If I give you this...” I started. I swallowed hard. “Do you promise to give back the Pokemon?”

“Of course,” she said, tossing her hair. “I always keep my word.” She paused. “Just call off your Eevee first.”

I nodded slowly, still terrified that I was doing the wrong thing. But I had to make a decision. This was the best I could do. I took Eevee's Pokeball in my shaking hand, expanded it and held it out.

“Eevee, return!” I said.

Just before he disappeared into the ball, he turned to me with a confused look on his face, and I couldn't help feeling guilty.

The woman walked to the middle of the room. She set the bag down, but kept her hand wrapped around the top. I approached slowly, cautiously, forcing myself to put one foot in front of the other, the device still clutched to my chest. When I was close enough, I reached out for the bag with my left hand. Then I hesitated, pulled back a little, in case the woman tried something. I looked up at her and saw her looking back like, Well, go on. So I grabbed on tight just under where she was holding it.

“Now, give it to me, and I'll let go,” she said.

Slowly, I held out the device, and the woman grabbed it away from me before I even knew what was happening.

“Ow!” I cried.

But the woman let go of the bag like she'd promised. She stared down at me for another second. Then she turned and walked out the door without a word.

I fell to my knees, shaking, my heart pounding. My mind raced-- who was that woman? How had I dreamed about Peacorra before I even knew it existed? Had I done the right thing? For a second, I thought I was going to be sick, so I closed my eyes and put my hand over my mouth.

“Are you ok, Sweetie?” Nurse Joy said, putting her hands on my shoulder.

Chancey stood beside her, looking concerned.

I opened my eyes and tried to smile at them.

“Yeah, I just need a minute to--”

I had to stop to swallow.

Retsu walked passed us, then paused, turned around half-way around, and looked down at me. He shifted his weight like he was going to take a step toward me, but then hesitated. For a second, I thought he was going to say something to me.

“What are you still doing here?” Nurse Joy asked. “Get out before I call the police!”

“Fine!” Retsu exclaimed. “I wasn't going to put Elekid through anything else today, anyway!”

And then Retsu was out the door, too.

Nurse Joy picked up the bag of Pokeballs beside me, then went to collect the ones still lying on the floor, telling Chancey to stay with me. Chancey put her paws on my arm and tried to get me to stand, but I stayed where I was. I sat for a minute longer, trying not to think of anything, waiting for the nausea to pass, while Chancey rubbed my back.

Finally, I opened my eyes and started to stand. But as I moved, something on the floor sparkled and caught my eye-- a small, white disc; it must've fallen off the device when the woman snatched it away from me, I realized. I'd missed it before because it was the same pure white as the floor tile, but it glittered when I picked it up and turned it over and over in my fingers. It reminded me of the woman's earrings-- was it made of the same stuff? And I felt like I'd seen the material before, although I couldn't think of where. The disc felt smooth and cool in my palm, like a pebble from a river. But it was different, too. No pebble had ever made my skin... tingle? No, that wasn't right. The disc seemed to give off a kind of energy I'd never felt before, like a magnet pulling something inside me toward it. It actually felt kind of nice. Is this part of the device? I wondered. It seemed like it must be. The thought cheered me up a little-- if the woman was missing a piece of the device, she wouldn't be able to fix it, would she? So I really had made the right choice.

Feeling better, I put the disc in my pocket and got up to help Nurse Joy. Chancey did, too, walking over to Nurse Joy, taking the bag from her, and holding it open while Nurse Joy dropped the Pokeballs inside as she gathered them. I was setting the cart upright, when I noticed something small, black, and rectangular a few feet away. That was right, another piece had broken off the device when Retsu had swatted it away from the woman, hadn't it? When the cart was steady, I walked over and picked up the piece. It was a battery cover with the words “Silph Co.” printed on the outside. Silph was a huge company that had started in Saffron City. Had they made the device? That couldn't be good. But it's broken now, anyway, I reminded myself. Somehow, the thought didn't make me feel much better.

Suddenly, the doors behind me whirred open again, and I spun around, afraid it was the woman or Retsu again. But instead, I saw Natsume standing there. She hadn't changed much since the last time I saw her. She was wearing a short, high-necked red dress, with her hair braided and pulled over her shoulder.

“Oh, Natsume, I'm so glad to see you!” Nurse Joy exclaimed.

“Chancey!” Chancey said in agreement.

Natsume smiled at me, then met them in the center of the Pokecenter. They talked quietly, and I couldn't really make out what they were saying. I caught the words “Pokemon thief” and “Team Rocket” from Nurse Joy, and Natsume nodded and asked questions. Finally, Nurse Joy broke away and went to the back of the Pokecenter, and Natsume came over to me. She looked down at me and said, “Are you ok, Satsumi?”

I nodded.

“But what are you doing here, Natsume?” I asked. “Did you know something bad was happening?”

“I sensed it, yes,” she said with a nod.

“That's amazing!” I exclaimed.

Natsume smiled and said, “You think so? I guess I'm just used to it.”

Then a serious expression crossed her face.

“Nurse Joy said that the woman who tried to steal the Pokemon here had something that seemed to control Pokemon,” she said.

“Yes, she did!” I said. “Actually...”

I reached into my pocket and took out the disc I'd found earlier, feeling its strange energy again.

“This is a piece of it,” I said, holding it out to her.

Natsume took it from me, balanced it on her palm, turned it over and over in her fingers just like I had.

“Hmm...” she said.

“What is it?” I asked.

“I'm not sure,” Natsume answered. “I've never felt an energy quite like this before.”

“Do you think it's how the device was able to control the Pokemon?” I asked.

Natsume nodded.

“I'm almost certain,” she said. “I'm going to hold onto this; I can probably figure out more about it than Nurse Joy or the police.”

“Oh, ok,” I said, a little disappointed.

“Were you hoping to keep it?” Natsume asked, smiling again.

“Oh, I knew I couldn't,” I said. I shrugged. “I just liked the way it felt when I held it.”

Her fingers closed around the disc, and she nodded, saying nothing, just studying me.

Her staring was starting to make me uncomfortable, and I couldn't help breaking eye contact and looking to the floor.

“Oh, sorry, Satsumi,” Natsume said, pulling back a little. “I was just thinking about something.”

“It's ok,” I said.

I wondered what she'd been thinking about, whether it had anything to do with me.

“I was sorry to hear about your father,” she continued.

“Oh, thank you,” I said.

Was that the right response? I was never exactly sure.

“You're going to look for him, aren't you?” she asked. “That's why you're here, right?”

I didn't want to admit it in case she reacted like my mom, but I figured Natsume would know if I was lying. So I nodded.

“Did you read my mind?” I asked.

Natsume smiled and shook her head and said, “No, I wouldn't want to invade your privacy like that.”

“I didn't mean--”

“I know you didn't. But I just guessed. Because you're his daughter, and that's what he would've done.”

It made me happy that she thought I was like my dad, even if I didn't think so. Suddenly, I had an idea.

“Can you see where he is?” I asked, looking up at her hopefully.

But Natsume just smiled sadly and lowered her head.

“I'm sorry, Satsumi,” she said. “I've tried, but I haven't been able to see anything. Something's blocking my vision.”

“What is it?” I asked.

She crossed her arms and shifted her gaze away from me.

“I'm not sure; I've never felt anything like it,” she replied. Then she looked back to me and put her hands on my shoulders. “Satsumi, I sense strong forces at work here,” she said. “Be careful.”

Her words made my heart sink, and I could only nod. What chance did I have against forces that seemed powerful even to Natsume?

“I'm not trying to scare you,” she continued. “Actually, I have a good feeling about you; I think you have a good chance of finding your father. I just want to make sure you understand what you're getting yourself into.”

“Ok,” I squeaked. “Thank you, Natsume.”

“You're welcome,” she said, pulling away. Then she seemed to think of something. “Do you have your Pokedex?” she asked. “We should exchange numbers, so we can tell each other what we find out.”

“Ok,” I said.

Natsume got her out her own Pokedex, then followed me to the bench where mine was still charging. We started the information exchange process in silence.

“All right,” Natsume said when it finished. She put her hand on my shoulder and looked me in the eye. “Satsumi, if you need me for anything, even if it's just to talk, don't hesitate to call me, ok? I'll do whatever I can for you.”

“Ok,” I said, smiling. It really did make me feel better to have someone as powerful as her on my side. “Thank you so much, Natsume! You're so kind.”

“Not at all,” Natsume replied. “It's the least I can do, after what your father did for me.”

I couldn't help wondering, would she still help me if I wasn't Satoshi's daughter? But of course I couldn't ask something like that.

So instead I looked at the floor and said, “Well, thank you, anyway.”

“You're welcome, Satsumi,” she said.

After that, there wasn't much to say. Natsume said she had some things to take care of at the gym, so we said good-bye, and I sat down and finally called Fuuka.

“So did you ever find out who the woman was?” Kazeo asked, folding his arms on the table and leaning toward me. “Or what she had to do with Silph?”

He and Fuuka were sitting across from me in a booth at the Pokecenter's cafe; I'd told them everything that had happened while we waited for our food. Well, everything but the part about seeing Peacorra in a dream-- that sounded crazy, and I didn't want them to think I was weird.

I stared at my hands in my lap and shook my head.

“No,” I said. “The police didn't know, either. Officer Junsa even said it'd probably be tough to find anything out, because the president of Silph Company will probably just use his money to get out of it.”

Fuuka and Kazeo were silent for a moment. Then Fuuka said, “I'm so sorry you had to go through that alone, Satsumi! We should've been here for you...”

I looked up at her and saw how worried she looked.

“It's ok, I'm ok,” I said, trying to sound like I meant it. Then I looked down at the table. “It was my fault we got separated, anyway; I should've been paying more attention.”

“We all should've been paying more attention,” Kazeo said. “We should come up with some kind of plan in case we get separated again.” He turned to Fuuka and said, “Hey, remember when Mom used to make us carry walkie-talkies because you were always wandering off on your own?”

“Th-that was a long time ago!” Fuuka exclaimed, crossing her arms and turning red.

Kazeo pointed at her and said to me, “She was always getting lost, chasing wild Pokemon, and we were too young to have our own Pokedexes. So our whole family had to use walkie-talkies so we'd know where to find each other.”

“Really?” I said, trying not to laugh.

I was starting to relax a little and was kind of having fun.

Fuuka shrugged and replied, “What can I say? Adventure is just in my blood. And what about you?” she said to Kazeo. “Didn't you get lost once because you were picking flowers?”

“They were herbs,” Kazeo said.

“Yeah, flowering herbs,” Fuuka said, smiling smugly at him.

“Fine, make fun of me,” he replied. “But don't forget, if I hadn't gotten lost that day, you wouldn't have Gloom.”

“I haven't forgotten,” she said in a teasing, sing-song voice.

“Wait, you found Gloom when you got lost?” I asked.

“Yeah,” Kazeo admitted. “Well, it's more like Gloom-- Oddish, then-- found me.”

“She found Kazeo all scared and upset and tried to cheer him up,” Fuuka continued. “Then she stayed with him to make sure he was ok.”

“Aw, that's really sweet,” I said.

“Yup!” Fuuka said with a nod. “That's just how Gloom is!”

Kazeo smiled, but didn't say anything. I couldn't help thinking that maybe he should've been Gloom's trainer, if he'd been the one to find her. But he'd said he was fine without any Pokemon, so...

Just then, the waitress walked up carrying our food on a tray. She set our orders down in front of us, asked if we needed anything, and left to check on another table. My burger and fries smelled delicious, making me realize suddenly how hungry I was. I took a big bite of my burger, and it tasted as good as it smelled. As I ate and listened to Fuuka and Kazeo talk about their childhood, a warm feeling started in my chest, then spread through my body. Things didn't seem quite as bad at that moment. There was still anxiety, in the back of my mind, the feeling that there was something I should be worrying about. But I tried to chase that away with positive thoughts-- I had Natsume on my side now, she believed in me. And if I thought about it, the thing with Peacorra was probably nothing-- I'd probably just seen a picture in my dad's book or something and then forgotten about it. That kind of thing happened to people when they were under a lot of stress, didn't it? It was nothing to worry about. Right then, I could almost believe that.

 

[diamondpearl876]

I stared out the train window as my hometown streaked by. From up on the hill, I could see the rooves of all the places I knew so well-- the gym where my dad trained when he was home, the Pokemart where we'd stop for snacks on the way home... our house. I kept my eyes on it for as long as it was in view, even though imagining how dark and empty it must be made a lump form in my throat.

I can definitely feel Satsumi's sadness in the opening paragraph. I'm wondering, though, if any of the memories about the good places could be briefly expanded on, since the abrupt going back and forth is a bit jarring.

I even knew their names: Bellafly, Magana, Peacorra.

I'm really struggling to remember if Fakemon were introduced in any previous chapters. At any rate, I'll be interested to see how their existence will affect the story.

Saffron City looked pretty much the same as I remembered it-- the center of the city was gray, nothing but high rises jammed against taller high rises. There were people everywhere, hurrying down the streets, at work in the buildings above us, even below our feet, riding the trains we'd just left.

The description in this chapter is pretty vivid and detailed, I love it. Normally I'd say that this much description in a first person fic might be a bit too detailed, but it fits in with how Satsumi's been spacing out and focusing more on what's around her rather than her friends, her feelings, and her thoughts.

“It's too bad Team Rocket isn't here,” my mom said when the boy left, still looking confused, “they were always good at this kind of thing!”

I found this pretty amusing. XD

The woman crossed her arms and said, “I would never hurt a Pokemon. They will come back to themselves shortly.”

Interesting logic. I'd consider psychological manipulation pretty hurtful.

The thought cheered me up a little-- if the woman was missing a piece of the device, she wouldn't be able to fix it, would she? So I really had made the right choice.

Or she could just have several of the same part... I hope not, though.

Was that the right response? I was never exactly sure.

I get that... I don't think anyone in that situation is ever exactly sure.

“Satsumi, I sense strong forces at work here,” she said. “Be careful.”

This is the impression I get, too. Also, starting the chapter with Satsumi being out of sorts, then transitioning into a dangerous scene where she has to pull herself together to help pokemon who are feeling out of sorts themselves was an interesting way to structure the chapter. Maybe it hints at some of the strong forces working behind the scenes? Who knows...

I couldn't help wondering, would she still help me if I wasn't Satoshi's daughter? But of course I couldn't ask something like that.

That's a fair question... Personally, I feel like asking those kinds of questions never leads to anything good. Even if the person answers how you want them to, it's all too easy to get this nagging feeling in your head that maybe they just said that to spare your feelings. Or maybe that's just me. XD

Well, everything but the part about seeing Peacorra in a dream-- that sounded crazy, and I didn't want them to think I was weird.

I don't think it'd sound too crazy. I've read that you can only dream of faces you've seen at some point in your lifetime, even if you can't consciously recall seeing them before. A similar logic could be applied here.

“No,” I said. “The police didn't know, either. Officer Junsa even said it'd probably be tough to find anything out, because the president of Silph Company will probably just try to use money to get out of it.”

But couldn't it also be the police's job to prevent something like that from happening?

But he'd said he was fine without any Pokemon, so...

I'm wondering if there's something more to than than meets the eye.

Right then, I could almost believe that.

The tension in this fic has been building up at a pretty good pace. This was a perfect way to end the chapter in my opinion, and I look forward to seeing where you go with this.

 

[Hakajin]

I can definitely feel Satsumi's sadness in the opening paragraph. I'm wondering, though, if any of the memories about the good places could be briefly expanded on, since the abrupt going back and forth is a bit jarring.

Good, that's what I was going for! Really? It wasn't something Satsumi was actively remembering each scene; seeing those places as she passed by just brought up feelings... Rather than thinking about it, just a couple of images flash across her mind. I suppose describing it more could help the reader with an emotional connection, but... I wrote it this way based on intuition, rather than thinking about what effect I wanted, but if I think about what I was going for, it's this: I think there's a kind of intimacy when a character describes what's going through their head and what they're feeling at that very moment. The focus is on Satsumi's inner reality, and drawing it out to give back-story would take the reader out of that. And it would take Satsumi out of it. I kind of meant for Fuuka's line to seem like an interruption, though, since Satsumi's lost in thought there, thinking about how her home must look now, and Fuuka snaps her back. That's what I was thinking, anyway.

I'm really struggling to remember if Fakemon were introduced in any previous chapters. At any rate, I'll be interested to see how their existence will affect the story.

No, they weren't. Satsumi is remembering them from the first dream sequence (interlude 1), but that was written from Inanna's point of view. Inanna is so used to seeing them that it felt weird to have her describe them, especially when she's upset and thinking about other things. I really wasn't sure what to do about it at first, but then I realized I could have Satsumi describe them retroactively. I'm not so sure how well that works, but... at any rate, the one thing I did like about doing it that way was... well, it gets at something about Satsumi's experience of the dreams which will become important later. Well, actually, I guess it's important now, though Satsumi hasn't figured out how to put it into words at this point.

The description in this chapter is pretty vivid and detailed, I love it. Normally I'd say that this much description in a first person fic might be a bit too detailed, but it fits in with how Satsumi's been spacing out and focusing more on what's around her rather than her friends, her feelings, and her thoughts.

Thanks! I struggled with that description a bit, because it is hard to write that kind of thing into a first person fic. Well, anyway. But since Satsumi's the type to project her feelings onto her environment, I realized I could make the focus on her experience of her setting, rather than the setting itself. I was happy with how that turned out.

Interesting logic. I'd consider psychological manipulation pretty hurtful.

Yeah, she believes that as long as she's not doing permanent damage, then...

Or she could just have several of the same part... I hope not, though.

Hm, could be!

This is the impression I get, too. Also, starting the chapter with Satsumi being out of sorts, then transitioning into a dangerous scene where she has to pull herself together to help pokemon who are feeling out of sorts themselves was an interesting way to structure the chapter. Maybe it hints at some of the strong forces working behind the scenes? Who knows...

Thanks! That really means a lot to me. It's a little difficult to get Satsumi to actually act because she's so timid and hesitant; her first instinct is to run or to let others take care of things, which makes her a pretty passive character. But in the end... I'm so used to characters like Ash, who defend others and do the right thing, with no thought to their own safety. And I could never relate to that. I always wanted to see a character more like me, someone for whom it's not that easy, but who tries to keep moving forward regardless. Huh, that is interesting, wish I'd thought of it! Because I wasn't thinking of it that way when I was writing it. Nice that it worked out that way, though.

That's a fair question... Personally, I feel like asking those kinds of questions never leads to anything good. Even if the person answers how you want them to, it's all too easy to get this nagging feeling in your head that maybe they just said that to spare your feelings. Or maybe that's just me. XD

Yep! Satsumi's prone to those kinds of thoughts.

But couldn't it also be the police's job to prevent something like that from happening?

Well, it should be, but you know when people have connections and can buy people off, they get away with a lot more.

I'm wondering if there's something more to than than meets the eye.

Hm...

The tension in this fic has been building up at a pretty good pace. This was a perfect way to end the chapter in my opinion, and I look forward to seeing where you go with this.

Thanks! I was actually starting to worry about not getting to the point soon enough, felt like I needed to get things going here. It was a hard chapter to write! I struggle with writing action sequences because everything is happening so fast in the story, but it takes so much writing and time to describe; I get frustrated. But I'm glad you liked it, makes it worth the effort!

 

[The Great Butler]

Okay, I'm sorry this review has taken so long. Please forgive me if I've forgotten some details over all of this time.

So, it's been a while, but chapter 3 is here! And I revised the Interlude pretty heavily early this year, added a flashback... I don't think it'll cause any confusion about the plot if you don't read it, but it'll give you a much better sense of the main character in that chapter. Or at least, that's the idea. Oh, and also, it was a while ago, but thanks to everyone who nominated/voted for me in the 2014 fanfiction awards! I was surprised and happy that I won "Most Heart Breaking Scene!" So thank you!

Congratulations on your win!

Chapter 3​

When my mom was a little younger than me, she ran away from home. Her beautiful older sisters were always teasing her, calling her the runt of the family, but there was one thing she knew she could beat them at-- Pokemon training. Her family owned the Cerulean City gym, but her sisters never took it seriously. They did train their Pokemon-- to perform in their stupid water ballets. They didn't care about Pokemon battles at all, and were always losing matches. So my mom set out on a journey to become a great water Pokemon trainer. When she was strong enough, she'd come home, take over the gym, and save its reputation. That'd show her sisters.

Maybe I'm a little rusty on the style of this story, but I do very much like being firmly planted in Satsumi's viewpoint for this little look at her mother's history. One already knows Misty's past, but supplying the view of a relative onto it gives it a refreshing new feel.

The first step, she thought, was to catch some powerful Pokemon, so as soon as she reached the river, she sat down and took out her fishing pole. It wasn't long before she hooked something-- something big. Could it be the Seaking she'd hoped for? my mom wondered as she struggled to reel it in. But it wasn't; it wasn't a Pokemon at all. Much to her disappointment, what my mom had pulled out of the water and onto the riverbank was “just some kid.”

Seaking? Interesting.

Really enjoying this perspective on Misty's past, like I said.

That's how my parents met. Staring out at the same river, I couldn't help thinking of the story... and how it had turned out. It made me so sad to think of that girl, who had no idea of what was ahead of her-- how deeply she'd come to love that boy, how happy her life with him would be... how heartbroken she'd be when he disappeared.

Wow, that one really got me. I'm beginning to remember what drew me into this story, the emotion.

“Satsumi, are you ok?” Fuuka asked, stopping to turn around and look at me. “Do you need to rest?”

Stop it, I told myself, stop thinking about it.

After all, I was going to make sure the story didn't end that way, wasn't I? Wasn't that the reason I was starting my journey in the first place?

“No, I'm fine!” I replied to Fuuka, smiling big and hoping she didn't notice my tears.

I assume the "After all" paragraph is referring to not letting the story end with Ash and Misty separated?

Even only this far into the chapter I'm very compelled by Satsumi's struggle. You're really doing a fantastic job characterizing her. Her internal voice is very strong, too - the narration (like "I replied to Fuuka, smiling big and hoping she didn't notice my tears") defnitely fits in with how she speaks and acts.

Kazeo stopped mid-step and looked over his shoulder at me.

“Are you sure?” Fuuka asked. “You're crying, what's wrong?”

I wiped my face with the back of my hand and said, “Nothing! The light reflecting off the river just made my eyes water!”

I'd actually thought of that excuse when I'd started crying, in case Fuuka and Kazeo saw.

That last line, I feel it speaks to much more about her personality than it initially seems. The impression I get is that Satsumi wants to look strong outwardly, but she is well aware that she is more vulnerable than she wants people to know, so she plans how to portray herself the way she wants others to see her. She has strength, but she is also insecure, on some level.

Fuuka looked out at the river.

“But it's not that bright; are you sure--”

“She's sure, Fuuka, leave her alone.” Kazeo interrupted, turning more toward us.

“I'm just worried about her,” Fuuka insisted, crossing her arms and furrowing her brow at him.

Fuuka, on the other hand, she clearly means well but is a little bit oblivious to body language and social cues.

“Well, maybe she doesn't want you to worry about her,” Kazeo said.

“Why wouldn't she? We're friends, right?” She turned to me and said, “Satsumi, I'm not bothering you, right?”

“Of course not!” I answered automatically.

“See?” Fuuka said, throwing Kazeo a smug look.

I think this illustrates both points I just made. It also looks like Satsumi may have some issues with letting people's opinions of her influence how she acts, judging from that automatic answer.

She walked over to me and leaned down so our faces were even, putting her hand on my shoulder.

“Are you tired?” she asked. “Do your feet hurt?”

“No, I'm fine,” I said, pulling back from her a bit.

“Are you sure?” Fuuka said, leaning toward me more. “You've been falling behind, maybe we should stop for a rest.”

Two things about Fuuka stand out to me here: she might have a little bit of an issue with others' personal space, and she seems like she's pretty attuned to how people are acting. Although, I have to go back to that "See?" she said to Kazeo. Was she saying that to him to reflect that Satsumi was not bothered by her concern, or to say to Kazeo that something really was wrong with Satsumi so being concerned about her was correct?

I took a step back.

“I-I'm really fine! I can keep going! We're getting really close to Viridian City, right?”

Kazeo turned to the river and looked up at the sky, shielding his eyes from the sun.

“It's still a few hours away,” he said. “We should probably start looking for a place to camp.”

This sure feels unusual when you remember how short Route 1 is in the games. But this isn't the game universe, of course.

He sat cross-legged on the ground, then held out his hands for Fuuka's Pokeball. She tossed it to him, and he caught it easily. Then she waved, said, “See you later,” and turned to go.

I feel like something is going to happen while Fuuka is gone.

“Wait, I'll help you,” I said, starting to follow her.

Fuuka turned around and kept walking, backward, waving her hand at me.

“It's ok, Satsumi, I've got this. You just stay here and relax.”

Fuuka seems like the type who likes to work hard for others. She'll have to be careful so she doesn't get taken advantage of.

Then she turned around and kept going. I watched her for a second, walked closer to Kazeo, set down my backpack, and sat down, hugging my knees. It was such a relief to sit-- my legs and feet were so tired and achy-- but somehow, I still felt like I should be doing something, like I hadn't tried hard enough to help out.

“Come on out, Gloom,” Kazeo said, opening the Pokeball and releasing her.

“Gloom!” Gloom said when she took shape.

Kazeo patted her on the head and said, “Are you ready for some Pokedrops, Gloom?”

I’m probably forgetting something, but remind me what Pokedrops are?

“Gloom Gloom!” she replied excitedly, bouncing up and down on her toes.

I smiled to myself, surprised she could still be so energetic after such a tough battle.

Kazeo opened his backpack and took out a clear bottle filled with colorful drops that looked like candy. Gloom reached for them as he unscrewed the lid.

“Wait a minute!” he said with a laugh, raising them above his head.

Gloom reached higher, jumped up and down and swiped at the bottle, even though there was no way she could get to it.

“Hey, I'm not going to give you any if you can't be patient,” Kazeo said. “You know how this goes.”

Gloom backed down then, but crossed her arms and tapped her foot at Kazeo as he took his time getting the bottle open. When he finally poured a few of the drops into his hand, she stood back and opened her mouth wide. Kazeo tossed them into the air, and she caught them in her mouth and gulped them down greedily.

Oh this was adorable. I love it.

“Glooom,” she said contentedly when she'd finished, putting her hands to her cheeks.

“What is that?” I asked Kazeo.

“This? It's a Pokemon medicine I made that speeds up healing; I call them Pokedrops.”

I guess that’s why I didn’t remember them. No big deal, though. It’s a nice little touch that you gave Kazeo, that he develops his own medicines. I wonder if he has others.

“You made them yourself? That's amazing!”

Kazeo shrugged and said, “Not really. It's pretty easy once you've got the basics down.”

I couldn't imagine ever being able to do something like that, but I didn't say so.

I’m sure I’ve said this before but Satsumi really does sell herself short, I think.

“Hey,” Kazeo said suddenly, “You want to let Eevee try some?”

“Really? You don't mind?” I asked.

Kazeo smiled and said, “Of course not! I made them for Pokemon to enjoy, after all.”

“But don't you want to save them for your own Pokemon?”

I think my reaction would be “why not just make more?”

“Oh, I don't have any Pokemon of my own,” Kazeo answered.

“What?” I asked, surprised. “Why not?”

Kazeo leaned back and shrugged and said, “I'm just not interested in training them. I'm happy being friends with my friends' Pokemon.”

His reasoning is interesting. It’s not an angle you often see; usually when people don’t have Pokemon it’s because they oppose the keeping of them.

You might want to try to drop one of the uses of “friends.” The first one is more easily removed, probably in favor of something like “knowing my friends’ Pokemon.”

I thought of my parents' friend Takeshi; he was a Pokemon doctor, not a trainer, but he still had his own Pokemon. And a lot of people kept them as pets instead of battle partners. But I didn't tell Kazeo what I was thinking.

I know why you did this – as in, I remember exactly when and why Brock decided to become a doctor – but for the longest time, he still was a trainer even if he had left his gym. To someone like me who is aware of the anime’s canon and how it progressed over time, this makes sense, but someone who is less familiar may not understand it.

“So, can I give Eevee some Pokedrops?”

“Yes, please!” I said, nodding.

I pulled out Eevee's Pokeball and called him out again.

“Eevee!” he said cheerfully when he appeared.

But the second he saw Gloom, he ran behind me, crouched down, and covered his nose with his paws.

“It's ok, Eevee,” I said, turning around to look down at him. “Gloom isn't stinking right now.”

Eevee looked from Gloom to me, then back at Gloom, but didn't uncover his nose.

“Vee...” he said, sounding unsure.

Adorable.

“Satsumi's right,” Kazeo said.

He picked Gloom up and sat her on his lap. Then he lowered his face to her flower and inhaled deeply through his nose.

“See?” he said looking back up at Eevee. “Smells fine!”

Slowly, Eevee uncovered his nose. He sniffed the air hesitantly. Then, carefully, ears and head still lowered, he stepped toward them. When he reached Gloom, he stopped and sniffed in her direction again, more confidently this time.

The description is simple and straightforward, but it gets the job done. I can see what’s going on here perfectly.

“Eevee?” he said to her, cocking his head.

“Gloom, Gloom Gloom,” Gloom responded, jumping out of Kazeo's lap and reaching up to touch her flower. “Gloom Gloom Gloom Gloom Gloom.”

“Vee, Eevee!” Eevee said.

I used to do this myself, so let me tell you: it’s a better idea to not actually write out the entire lines of Pokemon saying their names. Try using language that indicates them conversing without actually writing out what is being spoken.

“I wonder what they're talking about?” I said.

“I think Gloom's explaining to Eevee that she only stinks during battles,” said Kazeo, leaning back and watching them.

“Really? How can you tell?” I asked.

Kazeo shrugged and said, “Just from watching and listening.”

“Wow, I wish I could do that,” I said.

“You can,” said Kazeo, sitting back up and smiling at me. “It's easy if you just pay attention.”

I didn't think it was that simple, but I didn't say so.

I know I’m biased here, but a mention of Anabel would have been interesting at this spot because that’s pretty much exactly what she tried to teach Ash.

Kazeo picked up the bottle of Pokedrops and showed them to Eevee.

“Hey, Eevee, you want a treat?” he asked, shaking the bottle and making the drops bounce around inside.

“Eevee!” Eevee said, his ears perking up.

Kazeo started to open the bottle, but Gloom pushed Eevee back and opened her mouth wide. Eevee pushed back, and the two of them started to struggle with each other. Kazeo tapped Gloom on the head and said, “You've already had yours, Gloom, it's Eevee's turn. If you can't behave, you're going back in the Pokeball.”

“Gloom!” Gloom huffed.

That’s another thing about writing out the Pokemon-speak, sometimes the tone of the line doesn’t quite come across the way you want it to. Since Pokemon can only say their names, they cannot choose words to spin their meaning the way humans can. Noting that Gloom “huffed” is helpful, but it is better to just drop the quoted speech and expand upon the description of how it sounds instead.

She turned away, crossed her arms, and sat on the ground. But at least she backed down.

Eevee stepped up, and Kazeo tossed a few Pokedrops into his mouth. Eevee squealed in delight as he ate them, then pawed at Kazeo for more.

Kazeo laughed, rubbed Eevee's head, and said, “I'm glad you like it, but that's all for today. It wouldn't be fair to give you more than Gloom, would it?”

“Eevee...” Eevee said, lowering his ears in disappointment.

Kazeo screwed the lid back on the jar and put it back in his backpack. Then he took out a plastic squirt bottle.

“But I can make those scratches feel better.”

“Gloom!” Gloom said, sitting up and turning around.

“Yeah, you, too, Gloom, of course,” Kazeo said, patting her on the head.

He sprayed a fine mist of whatever was in the bottle over both Pokemon, and they sat back and enjoyed the feel of it.

That was a Potion or some variant thereof, right?

“Veeeee,” Eevee cooed.

Suddenly, Kazeo looked up at me and said, “Oh, I'm sorry, Satsumi, I forgot to ask you first.”

That was considerate of him.

I shook my head and said, “It's fine! You don't have to apologize. Thank you!”

But it wasn't fine. It wasn't that Kazeo had forgotten to ask me; I really was grateful to him for helping Eevee. But why did he have to get along so well with my Pokemon? It seemed like he understood Eevee better than I did. I knew I shouldn't be jealous, but...

You know, I didn’t really consider this much, but it makes a lot of sense that she might feel some sort of jealousy at this. She’s well established to be emotionally sensitive, so it’s understandable that she might feel this way.

Kazeo noticed me watching and said, “What's wrong, Satsumi?”

I sat up straight, smiled, and held out my hands, waving them side to side.

“Nothing!” I said. I relaxed a little, but kept smiling. “I guess I'm just kind of tired, that's all.”

“I guess you are,” Kazeo said, smiling and nodding. “You're not used to so much walking. Hey, I know!”

That habit of lying to cover up her true feelings is going to come back to get her later, I just know it.

Kazeo, meanwhile, might need to learn how to read people a bit better.

He reached into his bag for the third time and pulled out a small glass jar with some kind of white cream inside.

“Here,” he said, tossing it to me.

When I caught the jar, it was heavier than I'd expected. The glass felt cool on my skin. I turned it around in my hands and read the label on the side: Topical Anti-Bacterial and Analgesic, followed by a list of ingredients and expiration date in smaller writing.

“Put that on your feet,” Kazeo said.

I looked up from the bottle at him.

“You've got blisters, right?” he added.

“How did you know?” I asked.

“Because, you were walking funny earlier, on the sides of your feet,” Kazeo said, taking a glass tube out of the pouch at his hip. “You looked like you were in pain.”

This makes me wonder. I do like this part, but if Kazeo is so observant that he can identify her having blisters by how she was walking, why can’t he realize that she was lying about feeling okay a minute earlier when she was jealous?

“Yeah,” I said automatically, still not meeting his eyes.

“Satsumi...” he said, a question in his voice.

I understand what “a question in his voice” means, but I still think it would be better off rephrased slightly.

“Yeah?” I answered.

“What's up? Is something bothering you?”

“No!” I said, sitting up straight and looking back at him. “Why?”

“Sorry, I didn't mean to bother you,” Kazeo said. He uncrossed his legs and leaned back. “It's just, you seem kind of uncomfortable.”

He seems more observant here, so was he just playing along by not pushing the issue before?

I didn't know what to say, so I took off my shoes and unscrewed the lid of the jar. A pleasant herbal scent hit my nose. I drew my feet up, dipped my fingers in the cream, and rubbed it into my broken blisters. Instantly, the pain disappeared. I stretched my foot and spread my toes, enjoying the wonderful cool feeling of the medicine. Eevee trotted over and sniffed my toes, then sat between Kazeo and me and watched us as we talked. He seemed tired after the long day, but at least he'd calmed down.

“You don't have to talk about it if you don't want to,” Kazeo continued, putting away the tube. He pulled Gloom back into his lap. “It's none of my business.”

Both of those lines were Kazeo, right? If so, bring them together in one line: ““You don’t have to talk about it if you don’t want to,” Kazeo continued. He put the tube away and pulled Gloom back into his lap. “It’s none of my business.””

“No, it's fine,” I said, looking up, “it's just...”

“Just what?”

“Just... you and Fuuka keep saying we're friends.” I realized how that sounded and exclaimed, “Not that I don't want to be!” I looked down again, pretending to focus on screwing the lid back on the jar. “It's just, we haven't seen each other since we were little kids, right? You barely know me.”

“But we do know you, Satsumi!”

I jumped and cried out at the voice behind me, and whipped around to see Fuuka standing behind me with an armful of firewood

Okay, I really got a smile out of Fuuka’s sudden appearance.

You left off a period after “firewood.”

“Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to scare you,” she said.

She walked to a point halfway between me and Kazeo and dropped the wood on the ground with a loud clatter, making Eevee jump back, then dusted her hands off. Gloom jumped out of Kazeo's lap, trotted up to Fuuka, and said her own name in a greeting.

“Hey, Gloom, were you good for Kazeo?” Fuuka asked, picking her up.

“Glooom!” Gloom responded.

Maybe add Gloom smiling here, it would flesh things out a little more.

“So, um...” I started.

“Oh, right,” Fuuka said, coming to sit by me and setting Gloom in her lap. “Like I was saying, we totally know you, because your dad talks about you so much in his interviews. He's always going on about smart and sweet you are, how understanding you are when he has to go away, and how brave you were when you were sick.”

Hm, I’m not sure how I feel about it being from interviews. Satsumi could see those same interviews, couldn’t she? Or has she gone out of her way to avoid them? Maybe I forgot something from a past chapter, please forgive me if I did.

So that was it. Of course my dad said nice things about me, he was my dad. Had he ever told about the times I'd gotten mad at him for leaving? How, once, when he tried to explain that he loved me and my mom more than anything, I'd yelled, “No, you don't, all you care about is Pokemon training!” and run up to my room and slammed my door? How sometimes I wouldn't talk to him no matter how hard he tried to win me over? No, of course not. My dad would never tell on me, or even blame me, for the stupid, mean things I'd done and said. That was the worst part-- I'd made him feel terrible. It'd been years since I'd thrown a tantrum like that, but I'd been a total brat. And I hadn't been brave when I was sick, either; I'd been frustrated and depressed, even scared. Suddenly I felt guilty, like I was lying to Fuuka and Kazeo. But I couldn't tell them the truth-- what would they think?

I’m really moved by this. It’s this heart that really gets me into this story above everything else, to be honest. It’s totally in character for Ash to react that way to her too, I think. I want to see even more of this.

“Satsumi knows hardly anything about us, though” Kazeo said, standing and coming to sit on my other side.

“I guess that's true,” Fuuka said thoughtfully. Then, more cheerfully, “But don't worry; we'll fix that in no time!”

I nodded and tried to smile.

“Let's see, where should I start?” she asked herself, looking up and holding a finger to her mouth. Then she clapped her hands together, making Gloom jump this time. “Oh, I know! I should tell you how I became a Pokemon trainer! You see, my mom tried to push me into Pokemon Contests--”

“She didn't try to push you into anything,” Kazeo said.

Fuuka leaned past me to glare at him.

“You only say that because it wasn't you,” she said.

The way they go back and forth is very realistic, I like it.

“Come on, Fuuka, she just wanted you to try it and see if you liked it,” Kazeo insisted.

“Well, I didn't.” Fuuka said. “I had to wear these ugly, scratchy dresses, and make my Pokemon do a bunch of stupid tricks. Like, who cares how their attacks look, you know? What really matters is how strong they are.”

“Fuuka--” Kazeo warned, arching an eyebrow.

I feel like that’s going to be a lesson Fuuka learns in the future, that visuals can be more important than she thinks.

“I know, I know, contests take talent and hard work, too,” she said.

That was something my dad always said.

Good choice lacing Satsumi’s memories into Fuuka and Kazeo’s story.

“But they couldn't help you when you got bullied,” Fuuka continued.

“Bullied?” I asked.

“Yeah,” Kazeo answered, rubbing the back of his head and smiling. “I was kind of a crybaby when I was little. The other kids picked on me for it.”

“That's terrible!” I said.

I have a feeling that Kazeo and Satsumi might have a little bit in common when it comes to this. Satsumi’s a bit stronger whereas Kazeo sounds like he was more outwardly emotional, but they might be able to identify with each other.

It surprised me-- Kazeo seemed so cool, I couldn't imagine him crying or getting picked on.

“Luckily, he had me to protect him,” Fuuka said, pointing at herself and puffing her chest up.

“When you weren't picking on me yourself,” said Kazeo.

“That's different,” Fuuka said with a wave of her hand, “I'm your sister.”

“Doesn't that just make it worse?” Kazeo asked.

Kazeo’s kind of got a point here. That said, it’s nice that you’re giving ‘good’ characters flaws too.

I really do like how I can see the different ways Satsumi can relate to her friends, too.

“Anyway,” Fuuka continued, eyes sparkling, “I got in a lot of fights defending Kazeo. That got me in trouble with my parents, but what choice did I have? I couldn't let those kids get away with making my little brother cry. Then one day, I saw your dad in a tournament on TV; he was so amazing,” she said, balling her fists and throwing her head back. “When Pikachu used Thunder at the last minute and beat that Aurorus, oh, man, I could hardly believe what I was seeing! I mean, Aurorus was so huge and powerful, and Pikachu was so--”

I notice Fuuka pretty much ignored her brother’s point.

“Fuuka, slow down a little,” Kazeo said, smiling and holding his hands up. She'd been getting faster and louder as she talked. “You're going to freak Satsumi out.”

Fuuka blushed and hunched over a little, hugging Gloom.

“Sorry, Satsumi,” she said, “I just get a little too excited sometimes.”

That much is certainly true.

“Yeah, you do,” Kazeo said.

Fuuka pulled her bottom eyelid down and stuck her tongue out at him, then sat up and continued, “My mom told me that she'd traveled with your dad when they were younger, and they'd had all kinds of adventures, like when they met the legendary Pokemon Jirachi, or when they helped Lucario save the tree of Beginning.”

As a fan of the movies I appreciate these references.

My dad had told me those stories, and I'd always loved them. Now, though, they scared me, because they reminded me that my dad was the type to throw himself into danger without thinking. He'd always been ok before, but what if this time...?

I wonder if he ever told her about the times he actually, you know, died.

Fuuka leaned toward me and kept going, one hand on the ground to support herself, the holding onto Gloom, as I leaned away from her:

“I thought, wow, there's nothing Satoshi can't do! He always beats the bad guys and protects people and Pokemon! I decided that I wanted to be just like him someday.”

She pulled back suddenly, gave a big smile, held up one finger, and said, “And that's why I wanted to become a Pokemon trainer.”

“Wow, that's amazing, Fuuka!” I said, smiling my brightest.

Having someone who is not related to Ash but directly inspired by him is a good choice to have in this story. Fuuka should provide an important point of view for Satsumi.

“Thanks,” Fuuka said, still grinning, “But I still have a looong way to go before I'm anywhere near Satoshi's level.” She paused and added, “Though even Satoshi had to start somewhere, I guess.” Then she leaned forward to look at Kazeo and said, “Your turn, Kazeo!”

“What, me?” he said, pointing at himself. “There's not really much to tell.” He shrugged. “I started making potions because Fuuka's Pokemon-- my mom's Pokemon, then-- kept getting injured because of me. I wanted to help somehow, even if I was too young to battle like Fuuka.”

That’s an interesting background. It feels like one I don’t think I’ve read in any other stories before.

Had he ever tried battling, I wondered?

I get a feeling that this question might be something that comes up again with much more importance at some point later.

“Don't be so modest, it's annoying,” Fuuka said, leaning forward to glare at him. Then she sat up and looked at me. “Kazeo's medicines are much better than the stuff you buy at Pokemarts,” she explained, “because he makes them based on each Pokemon's tastes and needs. So they heal Pokemon better and help them grow!” she paused. “Plus,” she added, “Pokemon really love the taste of Kazeo's medicines.”

“Cut it out, Fuuka,” Kazeo said to her. “It's not that big a deal.”

“Well, I think it is,” Fuuka said, leaning past me to glare at him again.

“That's just because you don't know anything about it,” Kazeo spat back. “I'm just an amateur.”

I think Kazeo is being humble here. He sounds like he could have a very promising future ahead of him using his medicine-making skills.

I looked back and forth between them as they argued. He didn't sound like he was being modest to me; he sounded like he was really irritated with her. I didn't understand why. After all, wasn't she praising him?

Okay, it’s very important to say this and very good that you did. I wouldn’t have known that Kazeo was genuinely upset without this.

“And with that attitude, you always will be,” Fuuka said.

I’m not necessarily entirely shocked by Fuuka saying this, but I do think she went over the line doing it.

Kazeo didn't answer this time, but the air felt heavy as they stared each other down. I felt like I should say something, but also like it wasn't any of my business. Finally, Kazeo glanced at me, relaxed, and said, “Come on, let's stop this, we're making Satsumi uncomfortable.”

“Oh, I'm sorry, Satsumi,” Fuuka said, sitting up and covering her mouth. “I wasn't thinking.”

“It's ok, I'm fine!” I said.

I feel like this is another instance of Satsumi downplaying how she feels in order to appease (as she sees it) her friends.

“Still, we should be more considerate,” Fuuka said.

Kazeo stood, brushed himself off, and said, “We should start working on dinner, anyway. Fuuka, will you light the fire?”

I don’t think it’s a necessary change, but I think “would you light the fire” would sound better than “will you light the fire.”

“Sure,” she said, putting Gloom on the ground and standing. She took out Gloom's Pokeball and said, “Better come back, Gloom, don't want you catching fire!”

Another nice little detail to add.

Once Gloom was back in her Pokeball, Fuuka walked down to the river bank and squatted down for a couple of minutes, gathering something. When she came back, her arms were full of smooth, round rocks. She carried them easily to the firewood, knelt down, and started arranging them in a circle around it. Then she took off her backpack, dug through it, and pulled out a box of matches.

Meanwhile, Kazeo took a large pot out of his backpack, along with plastic containers of food.

“What should I do?” I asked.

Fuuka looked up from lighting the fire and said, “You just rest, Satsumi! We've got this covered.”

I know I’ve said this before but it’s very good that Satsumi has friends who are supportive of her like this.

I knew I should try again, but my body felt so tired and heavy that I never wanted to stand up again. I would help out next time, I told myself.

I hope we see this revisited.

Kazeo took out an arched metal stand and set it up over the firewood while Fuuka stoked and fanned the fire. Once it was going, she took the pot and ran down to the river to get water. She gave it to Kazeo, who hung it over the fire and dumped in the ingredients. Fuuka sat back while Kazeo stirred the pot with a big ladle, and I watched them in the fading light. My eyelids started to droop, and I had to fight to keep my head up. Soon, the stew was bubbling noisily and sending thick steam into the air. I hadn't realized how hungry I was, but the delicious smell was making my mouth water. I couldn't wait for it to be ready. Finally, Kazeo ladled out wooden bowls for all of us, and we sat around the fire and dug in. But when I took a bite, I suddenly felt sick. It was hard to swallow. I cut my food into smaller pieces with my fork, hoping that would make it easier to eat.

“What's wrong, Satsumi?” Fuuka asked, lowering her fork with a concerned look on her face. “You don't like it?”

“No, it's delicious!” I said, sitting straight and shaking my head. “I guess I'm just not very hungry.”

It almost sounded like an allergic reaction for a short time, which would been intriguing to say the least.

“Probably because you're tired,” Kazeo said, smiling. “But you need to eat to keep your energy up; we're going to be doing a lot of walking tomorrow, too.”

I knew that. But I nodded and did my best to force my food down.

That line about forcing her food down really sums up just how hard this journey has been and is going to be for her. I like when there are lines in stories that just capture the mood all in one go like that.

When bedtime came, the three of us rolled out our sleeping bags and said good-night. I was exhausted, and it felt wonderful to finally be able to lie down and close my eyes. I thought I'd fall asleep right away. But the ground beneath my back felt too hard, and I couldn't get comfortable no matter which way I turned. I didn't want to keep Fuuka and Kazeo awake, so finally I settled on a position and kept still. But I still couldn't sleep. I wondered where my dad was at that moment, what he was doing. I thought about my mom back home, whether she was having as much trouble sleeping as I was. Suddenly, I felt so homesick. What did I think I was doing? I'd barely gotten through the day, how was I ever going to keep this up long enough to find my dad? But I couldn't just give up, could I? The chirp of the insects and the rush of the river, the cold, far away stars, everything around me felt lonely. The harder I tried not to cry, more tears spilled over my eyelids. I didn't want to bother Fuuka and Kazeo, so I breathed in deep. Held my sob tight in my lungs. Exhaled in a slow, shuddering breath. Again. And again. But then my nose started getting stuffy and runny. Finally, I had to sniff. And then I couldn't stop sniffing.

That was moving. I don’t know what else to say… it’s just fantastic writing.

Fuuka's whispered voice came from my right, saying, “Satsumi, are you crying?”

I turned my head and saw her outlined in the darkness, propping herself up on one elbow.

“Um...” I said, wiping my eyes with my arm to cover them.

Satsumi, try to open up…

The truth was, I'd half wanted her to hear, but now that she had, I was embarrassed.

This makes sense.

“Oh, Satsumi,” Fuuka continued, reaching out to touch my shoulder, “it's ok. Everything's going to be ok.”

What made her so sure, I wondered?

“I don't know if I can do this,” I blurted out, my eyes closed tight.

Good. If she can open up to someone she can trust, she may be able to begin feeling a little better.

“What are you saying? Of course you can!” Fuuka said. “You're Satoshi's daughter, after all!”

That doesn't mean anything! I wanted to scream, even though she was only being nice.

Instead, I said, “I'm not strong like my dad! It's only been one day, and I'm already so...”

This is probably one of the more core components of what is causing Satsumi pain. No matter how much she loves her father, she does live inside his shadow.

“Aren't you expecting too much from yourself?” said Kazeo.

I heard a rustling sound, and looked over to see his silhouette sitting up in the darkness on Fuuka's other side.

“You're exhausted because it's only been one day,” he continued, “it takes a while to get used to this.”

Huh, you know what? This is actually quite realistic. I never really think about the implications of someone who lives entirely in one place suddenly going out to adventure around a very large area. Of course she’d be exhausted at the beginning.

“Not for my dad,” I said. “At least, he wasn't...” I choked up.

He wasn't crying and wishing he could just go home.

“Yeah, well, Satoshi wasn't dealing with as much as you are.” Fuuka said. “I bet even he'd have had a hard time if he'd been in your shoes. Right, Kazeo?”

Do any of them know exactly how Ash’s first day as a trainer went? Honest question, I’m not sure.

“Well, whenever I thought about the long journey ahead of me, I felt like it was impossible for me,” he said, laughing a little at himself. “But then I started focusing on just getting through the day, and that made it seem easier. A lot easier. Pretty soon, I realized I wasn't thinking about it at all anymore.”

This is good advice but someone like Satsumi may have some real trouble following it.

That's right, I told myself, I'm not alone.

I repeated it to myself over and over as I closed my eyes and tried to fall asleep.

“I’m not alone.” Those need to be words she tells herself a lot.

 

[Hakajin]

Okay, I'm sorry this review has taken so long. Please forgive me if I've forgotten some details over all of this time.

It's really no problem.

Congratulations on your win!

Thanks!

Maybe I'm a little rusty on the style of this story, but I do very much like being firmly planted in Satsumi's viewpoint for this little look at her mother's history. One already knows Misty's past, but supplying the view of a relative onto it gives it a refreshing new feel.

Thank you! It's interesting for me, too, because... Well, Misty and her relationship with Ash have been important to me for a long time. Pokeshipping isn't as important to me as it once was, but... Well, it stays with me more because of Satsumi. But her feelings about it are different than my own, because they're her parents. I can see her through their eyes, too, and then there's her relationship with them... Here, it's pretty obvious that Misty has told Satsumi a lot about her and Ash's past together, how much she loves him, how much she went through over him... I enjoy the closeness of their relationship. My experience of Misty had always been focused on her relationship with Ash, but her relationship with Satsumi has let me experience a different side of her. It's been good to get to know characters I love so much in new ways.

Wow, that one really got me. I'm beginning to remember what drew me into this story, the emotion.

I assume the "After all" paragraph is referring to not letting the story end with Ash and Misty separated?

Even only this far into the chapter I'm very compelled by Satsumi's struggle. You're really doing a fantastic job characterizing her. Her internal voice is very strong, too - the narration (like "I replied to Fuuka, smiling big and hoping she didn't notice my tears") defnitely fits in with how she speaks and acts.

Thanks, I never get tired of hearing this! Oh, and, yes, that's what the "after all" meant.

That last line, I feel it speaks to much more about her personality than it initially seems. The impression I get is that Satsumi wants to look strong outwardly, but she is well aware that she is more vulnerable than she wants people to know, so she plans how to portray herself the way she wants others to see her. She has strength, but she is also insecure, on some level.

You're right, that's exactly what she's doing. If you want to dig deeper, the next question is, why? And how did she get to be like that? My first impulse is to spell it all out, but I'd really rather readers figure it out on their own. Anyway, I haven't gotten into everything going on with her yet, but... I think you've seen enough of her to get a good idea.

Two things about Fuuka stand out to me here: she might have a little bit of an issue with others' personal space, and she seems like she's pretty attuned to how people are acting. Although, I have to go back to that "See?" she said to Kazeo. Was she saying that to him to reflect that Satsumi was not bothered by her concern, or to say to Kazeo that something really was wrong with Satsumi so being concerned about her was correct?

The first thing.

Oh this was adorable. I love it.

Thanks! I've probably mentioned this before, but the Pokemon aspect is not where I'm most invested, and I do worry about that showing. So I'm glad this worked.

I understand what “a question in his voice” means, but I still think it would be better off rephrased slightly.

Both of those lines were Kazeo, right? If so, bring them together in one line: ““You don’t have to talk about it if you don’t want to,” Kazeo continued. He put the tube away and pulled Gloom back into his lap. “It’s none of my business.””

Maybe add Gloom smiling here, it would flesh things out a little more.

You might want to try to drop one of the uses of “friends.” The first one is more easily removed, probably in favor of something like “knowing my friends’ Pokemon.”

Ok, will edit.

I’m sure I’ve said this before but Satsumi really does sell herself short, I think.

Oh, all the time.

I know why you did this – as in, I remember exactly when and why Brock decided to become a doctor – but for the longest time, he still was a trainer even if he had left his gym. To someone like me who is aware of the anime’s canon and how it progressed over time, this makes sense, but someone who is less familiar may not understand it.

Hm... Does it matter? Honestly asking. The way Satsumi's thinking of it, Brock's goal was never to be a "Pokemon Master" like her dad; he was training Pokemon, sure, but it was just a casual thing, so he'd be able to deal with obstacles along the way on their journey. I could make that more clear if I need to.

The description is simple and straightforward, but it gets the job done. I can see what’s going on here perfectly.

Good!

I know I’m biased here, but a mention of Anabel would have been interesting at this spot because that’s pretty much exactly what she tried to teach Ash.

Oh, wow, I'd completely forgotten about that! In fact, I still don't remember it! I could definitely refresh myself and add that in, though.

I used to do this myself, so let me tell you: it’s a better idea to not actually write out the entire lines of Pokemon saying their names. Try using language that indicates them conversing without actually writing out what is being spoken.

That’s another thing about writing out the Pokemon-speak, sometimes the tone of the line doesn’t quite come across the way you want it to. Since Pokemon can only say their names, they cannot choose words to spin their meaning the way humans can. Noting that Gloom “huffed” is helpful, but it is better to just drop the quoted speech and expand upon the description of how it sounds instead.

Ok, I'll work on that. Honestly, I feel silly writing Pokemon-speech, anyway. Although it might be a little hard figuring out what to replace it with... I should look at your writing for an example.

Hm, I’m not sure how I feel about it being from interviews. Satsumi could see those same interviews, couldn’t she? Or has she gone out of her way to avoid them? Maybe I forgot something from a past chapter, please forgive me if I did.

Yeah, she's seen them, but the idea that you can really know someone just from some interviews their dad gave is... And Fuuka's just telling Satsumi what she knows about her (or thinks she does), whether Satsumi's seen them or not. Maybe I could make it clearer that she has?

I’m really moved by this. It’s this heart that really gets me into this story above everything else, to be honest. It’s totally in character for Ash to react that way to her too, I think. I want to see even more of this.

Thank you! Satsumi's relationship with her dad is important to me, too. And I wanted to make it less than perfect. You know in kids' movies, where the kid character has a perfect, happy relationship with the parent, and it's really obvious that something bad is going to happen? And it's actually kinda funny, because it's so obviously emotionally manipulative. I wanted to avoid that. And I also didn't want to make Satsumi a perfectly sweet, loving little girl, I wanted her to be more real than that. Glad you thought Ash was in character, by the way. Oh, it'll definitely come up again, don't worry.

The way they go back and forth is very realistic, I like it.

Thanks! I wanted Fuuka and Kazeo to seem like they were close, even if they don't always get along.

Good choice lacing Satsumi’s memories into Fuuka and Kazeo’s story.

Thanks! I wanted to show that Fuuka really has followed Ash closely, as a fan... and that that can bring up some painful things for Satsumi.

I have a feeling that Kazeo and Satsumi might have a little bit in common when it comes to this. Satsumi’s a bit stronger whereas Kazeo sounds like he was more outwardly emotional, but they might be able to identify with each other.

Good catch!

Kazeo’s kind of got a point here. That said, it’s nice that you’re giving ‘good’ characters flaws too.

I really do like how I can see the different ways Satsumi can relate to her friends, too.

Oh, yeah, they are flawed! Glad you're enjoying that aspect. Thanks! It's a little hard sometimes, since she is so introverted.

As a fan of the movies I appreciate these references.

Thanks! I wanted to connect the story to the canon as much as I could.

I wonder if he ever told her about the times he actually, you know, died.

Yeah, she knows those stories.

Having someone who is not related to Ash but directly inspired by him is a good choice to have in this story. Fuuka should provide an important point of view for Satsumi.

Thanks! I was pleased with it. It will help Satsumi in some ways, and hurt her in others.

That’s an interesting background. It feels like one I don’t think I’ve read in any other stories before.

Really? Huh. I plan to get into that more later.

That line about forcing her food down really sums up just how hard this journey has been and is going to be for her. I like when there are lines in stories that just capture the mood all in one go like that.

Thank you! It's something I have experience with.

That was moving. I don’t know what else to say… it’s just fantastic writing.

Thanks again! Again, this is taken from my own experience. I'm super in-touch with my own emotions and physical responses, and it feels good to bring that into my writing. I'm always glad when I can reach other people that way.

This makes sense.

Haha, does it? It's something I've experienced a lot, wanting to be comforted, but then being embarrassed at being seen crying.

This is probably one of the more core components of what is causing Satsumi pain. No matter how much she loves her father, she does live inside his shadow.

Yes, in some ways, she definitely does. The question I'd ask is, in what ways?

Do any of them know exactly how Ash’s first day as a trainer went? Honest question, I’m not sure.

Yes, they all do.

So that's about it! I enjoyed all your comments about the characters; it's great that you're curious about them! I didn't reply to most of the comments about Fuuka and Kazeo, though, because I want you to get to know them through the story, instead of through me just telling you. I can't wait to show you, though!

 

[Dramatic Melody]

Finally found the time to review this!

The mythology you introduce in your interlude is really interesting, and how they discuss it piece by piece made for an enjoyable read. How you often have your narrator checking herself and how she presents herself to Sena makes for a very good character trait, and it says a lot about the princess even if we know next to nothing about the context of these interludes.

I really like how you depicted Saffron City in Chapter 4 - you can really feel how huge and suffocating it must be for Satsumi. Your opening paragraphs did a great job in placing the reader inside Saffron City just like Satsumi!

I also thought how you described the scene with the mysterious woman was written well - it was easy to follow, and you did a good job in conveying how high-stakes the whole thing was. I just thought it was a bit convenient that Retsu showed up just in the nick of time, but it balanced out by how, in the end, the mysterious woman did get what she wanted. It was a nice change of pace from how muted and internal the conflict of the last chapter was, so good job there!

What would my dad do? I wondered. But my dad would never have gotten into a situation like this, would he? When it was really important, he never lost. But if there was no other way, I thought, trying to shake off my doubts and think. Retsu had a point (I thought I could trust him this time, since there was no reason for him to lie). But then I thought of the people who owned the Pokemon; they'd be so heart-broken if they came back for them only to find out they'd been stolen. That's how I'd feel if it was Eevee. The woman might steal other Pokemon if she got the device back... But that hadn't happened yet. Maybe she wouldn't be able to fix it. Maybe she'd get caught before she could even try. Right now, I had to save these Pokemon from being stolen.

This paragraph in particular was very good in conveying both the current conflict and Satsumi's characterization.

I'm also very curious with how the interludes are slowly seeping into the main story, especially with this last chapter. It's a fair assumption that they have something to do with Satoshi's whereabouts, so I'm excited with how you're eventually gonna piece all of these together.

All in all a great chapter, and one that introduces a lot of exciting conflict to the story. Goob job!

 

[Hakajin]

Finally found the time to review this!

The mythology you introduce in your interlude is really interesting, and how they discuss it piece by piece made for an enjoyable read. How you often have your narrator checking herself and how she presents herself to Sena makes for a very good character trait, and it says a lot about the princess even if we know next to nothing about the context of these interludes.

I really like how you depicted Saffron City in Chapter 4 - you can really feel how huge and suffocating it must be for Satsumi. Your opening paragraphs did a great job in placing the reader inside Saffron City just like Satsumi!

I also thought how you described the scene with the mysterious woman was written well - it was easy to follow, and you did a good job in conveying how high-stakes the whole thing was. I just thought it was a bit convenient that Retsu showed up just in the nick of time, but it balanced out by how, in the end, the mysterious woman did get what she wanted. It was a nice change of pace from how muted and internal the conflict of the last chapter was, so good job there!



This paragraph in particular was very good in conveying both the current conflict and Satsumi's characterization.

I'm also very curious with how the interludes are slowly seeping into the main story, especially with this last chapter. It's a fair assumption that they have something to do with Satoshi's whereabouts, so I'm excited with how you're eventually gonna piece all of these together.

All in all a great chapter, and one that introduces a lot of exciting conflict to the story. Goob job!

Thank you! I've been doing research for the world-building, so it's good to hear that it's paying off. I have to say, I'm enjoying writing Inanna and Sena's commentary on it, because I have a strong interest in analyzing literature and language, theory... It's been good being able to express that part of myself in my writing. Yes, that's an important part of Inanna's character, so I'm glad you pointed it out.

Thanks! It was a little difficult to describe without in character, until I realized that Satsumi would be focused on her setting, anyway. As for Retsu appearing... Yeah, I thought of that. That's why I made it clear that he'd been trailing her since before... but even so. Well... I don't think there's much I can do about that; I needed him there at that particular moment for a couple of reasons, so... Anyway, glad the action part worked out! Battles are not my strong suit... and it was harder because, while everything's happening so fast, it takes so many words to describe! That's a problem I hadn't anticipated.

This paragraph in particular was very good in conveying both the current conflict and Satsumi's characterization.

Thanks! I wanted to make sure Satsumi's choice came out of her characterization.

It's good to hear that you're curious about the interludes and how they relate to the main plot... I'm building up to it!

Thanks for your review! It was helpful (yes, that reference was intentional)! I've got a new chapter coming soon, so... look forward to it!

 

[Hakajin]

Interlude III​

No one speaks to me or acknowledges me much at all these days (save the servants, and then only to answer me when I require them, or to bow as I pass by). At least the Camu watering the garden look up at me as I draw near them. Otherwise, the palace carries on as if I've already left it behind, or... It's as if I were a ghost, a silent, invisible presence haunting these walls. Arcanine is the only one I have to talk to now. He can only listen quietly, and there's no need for words between us, anyway, but... But sometimes I'm overcome by the sense that I really have disappeared. I begin to feel light and insubstantial. At those times, I tell myself to stop it, I'm being irrational, but logic does nothing to dispel the rising panic. The only thing that makes me feel solid again is the sound of my own voice, to hear myself and to be heard.

When I'm left to my own thoughts for too long, my mind inevitably drifts back to that time. Now is not as bad as then, of course, but the feeling is uncomfortably similar; no wonder I can't help thinking of it. But perhaps it has always been that way, perhaps it was only Mira's presence that kept me from noticing. Yes, that's right, as a child, I had several little friends with whom I talked and played games. But then, after everything happened... the others changed. They seemed uneasy, their smiles and laughter forced. They began to drift away from me, until only Mira was left. There were excuses, of course, about lessons and social engagements, but I knew the truth. It hurt, at first, but as long as I had Mira, I found I didn't really miss the others. Though I tried to hide my shame, somehow she always knew when I was hurting, wrapped her arms around me and told me I was really a good and loyal daughter, and everything would be all right in time. And she was right-- she was the only friend I needed. Eventually, I forgot that things had ever been different.

And I suppose that none of it matters, anyway, in the end. I look up and see Sena a little ways off, standing on top of the palace wall, staring out at the horizon, as he does from time to time. Before, when I saw him do this, I had no reason to talk to him. I still don't, I suppose. But I'm bored, and goading him might provide at least a brief distraction.

So I cross the garden and enter the guard tower, Arcanine close behind me (the doorway is too narrow for us to enter side by side). Cool air hits my face, the thick stone walls mute the sound of my footsteps. How long has it been since I was last here? At least since before I fought with Mira. I've always loved standing atop the wall, looking out over Urutu, to the outlying towns and farmland, across the desert to the cities beyond... Sometimes, as the sun sets behind the distant mountains, the desert dunes look as if they were on fire. I thought I should never grow tired of gazing at that frighteningly beautiful scene. And I haven't.

But lately, the mere thought of climbing so many steps... I stare through the dim corridor, up five stories at the light from the doorway; it seems so small and distant. My body feels heavier than it did just a moment before, and I briefly consider turning around. But no. No, I am stronger than that; I can't be defeated by a simple flight of stairs. So I set my eyes on the exit and take the first step. It isn't long before my legs begin to feel weak; I push myself onward, but halfway up I have to stop and lean against the wall to recover, the cold, rough stone digging into my back. Arcanine nudges my hand with his nose, urging me to continue. "Just a moment," I say to him, though I know he's right-- the longer I rest, the harder it will be to start again. So I am true to my word, and continue my climb as soon as I feel able. Finally, after what seems like a long time, we reach the top. I stop short of the doorway to collect myself-- catch my breath, make sure my hair is in place. It wouldn't do for Sena to see me looking so out of sorts.

When I'm properly composed, I step through the doorway and into the light. The guard at the distant next tower barely glances at me; Sena doesn't notice me at all at first, just keeps leaning on the wall's wall and staring into the distance. I glance in the direction of his gaze-- there's Enbilu, tiny from so far away, flying over the base of the mountains, spreading rain over Shul. Has that always been his reason for coming here? The timing seems right. I look back to Sena and wait for him to notice my presence. He doesn't. Finally, I grow impatient and give a small cough; that breaks his trance. He rises and turns to me abruptly, his eyes wide. Then he remembers to bow and says, "Your Highness, please forgive my rudeness, you startled me."

Good. Sena may have the advantage in the dark, musty library, but this is my world. I put on a smile and reply, "You are forgiven, Sena. You may rise."

He does so.

I approach him, managing to keep my walk steady despite my tired legs. My pace is slow, but that's all right; anyone would assume I was only taking my time. Arcanine stays right at my side.

"I'm surprised to see you here, Your Highness," Sena says. "At this time of day, I mean."

My eyebrows rise before I can stop them; I didn't think he'd noticed my habits.

"How very observant of you, Sena," I say, trying to sound unbothered. "Yes, I prefer the view at sunset."

I come to stand beside him, but look out at Enbilu; Sena also turns aside. Arcanine sits between us, and I place my hand on his head.

"You haven't been here in a while, though, have you?" Sena asks, looking down down at me.

"No," I reply. "Lately, I've been simply too busy for such things."

This is an utter lie, and I'm sure Sena knows it. I wrap my fingers around Arcanine's fur and squeeze, but try to keep up my passive smile. Why did I say that? Sena's question caught me off-guard, and I had no time to think of a response. I'll have to be more mindful.

Sena pretends not to notice my lie, nodding and saying, "I understand; it's not often that I'm able to come up here, either. Your father keeps me busy."

I hate it when he ignores my inconsistencies like that; he does it on purpose, I'm sure, to keep me from amending my statement, to keep me guessing what he's thinking. But I have my own strategy.

"Is that a complaint?" I ask, smiling at up him.

But Sena just smiles back and replies, "Not at all, it's simply the truth."

Not the response I was hoping for.

"Is that why we haven't had a lesson in so many days?" I ask.

As much as I hate to admit it, this actually bothers me a bit. I was expecting our lessons to be frequent, but it's been several days since the last one, which was only the second. I don't like being put off.

"Yes, in fact," Sena replies, clasping his hands behind his back. "Why? Have you missed them?"

He sounds pleased, and when I look back at him, he's smiling, eyes shining.

Is he mocking me again? But his smile seems genuine. Somehow, that makes it all the more infuriating, as if I'm a child to be humored. Why then... why do I find myself fighting a smile, too? But I pin the corners of my mouth down; I won't allow Sena to make me react. Arcanine looks up at him curiously, head cocked, then feels my disapproval and turns back to me.

I rest my arms on the wall and lean forward, my own hands clasped, head held high. "Not really," I say. I turn my head to look him in the eye. "But I don't take kindly to people who break their promises."

"Well, then, Your Highness, I do apologize," Sena says, confidently, without breaking eye-contact. "I promise to make it up to you as soon as I am able."

"Why not now?" I ask. "We're both here."

Sena nods and says, "Very well. Where were we? Ah, yes, the creation of the first humans." He clears his throat and turns back toward the desert, rests his hands on the wall next to mine. "In those days, the days after Tiamu of the salt water and Apsatta of the fresh water had created Lehurat who shines, and Lehursa who sees, and..."

My mind begins to drift as Sena goes through the boring, repetitive parts of the poem. Arcanine leans his warm body against mine, and I wrap my arm around his back, stroke him absent-mindedly. Silently, we watch Enbilu twisting high above the mountain, her slick, serpentine body gleaming in the morning sunlight, the clouds rising from her body spreading out behind her like a pair of vast wings. I can see why Sena enjoys watching her.

Tell me about Enbilu," I say suddenly, "You skipped over it before."

It really should've been our second lesson, but instead he moved straight to the creation of the first Pokemon. Was it because Shul's version of events was the same as what actually happened? Or because... At the time, I'd let it go without comment, but now, with Enbilu right before my eyes... Out of the corner of my eye, I see Sena turn his head toward me as if he's about to respond, but he says nothing. I wait a long moment before looking up at him; he opens his mouth as if he's about to speak, then closes it and purses his lips. His lips part again, close again, and one corner of his mouth pulls up into a grimace. So there really is something he doesn't want to tell me. But what about Enbilu's story would make him so hesitant to share it? I must admit, I really am curious. But mostly, I'm glad to have made him so uncomfortable.

So I smile sweetly at him and ask, "Is something the matter?"

I feel Arcanine's wariness as he looks up at Sena, the sensation of his fur prickling, how his upper lip keeps curling up over his front teeth despite his efforts to hold it down.

"No, Your Highness," Sena says, looking at Arcanine instead of me. When he looks back at me, he says, "It's just... I'm not sure you're ready for that story."

I pull away from Arcanine, stand tall, and look Sena in the eye. "Do you think I'm not intelligent enough to understand it?" I ask.

All at once, Sena's eyes go wide, his hands spread out in front of him, and he exclaims, "No!", so loudly that it startles me and makes me (and Arcanine) jerk back in surprise. Arcanine lets out a soft growl before he can stop himself, and I place my hand on his head for a moment to calm him.

After a moment, Sena relaxes and says, "Please excuse me, I didn't intend to startle you. But that isn't what I meant at all."

"Then what did you mean?" I ask, crossing my arms.

"It's just that..." Sena turns his head ever so slightly, shifting his gaze toward the desert, then catches himself and looks back to me. "The story told in Shul is different from the one you know. I'm afraid it would displease you."

"That's strange," I say with a coy smile and teasing tone, "When have you ever worried about displeasing me?”

Aranine looks at each of us in turn as we speak, still wary, his ears pricked up.

Sena answers with a begrudging smile and says, "It has never been my intention, at least."

I can barely keep from laughing at this bald-faced lie.

"There are things in this story that..." he continues. He holds his up-turned hands together in front of him, then moves them apart in a shrug as he says, "I'd be knowingly upsetting you."

I tilt my head, half-smiling.

"Well, now I'm curious," I say, which is true... But I also feel a strange uneasiness creeping up inside me. What's gotten into me? I'm being silly-- it's only a story, nothing to fear. Arcanine senses my anxiety, but also my desire to keep it hidden. So he simply sits back on his haunches and keeps a close eye on Sena.

Sena studies my face for a moment, and I try to keep my expression from wavering under his scrutiny. Finally, he sighs in submission and says, "Well, if you insist, I suppose I have no choice."

"I do," I say.

"Very well," he says, enunciating each syllable.

I hold back a smile at his poorly concealed frustration.

Slowly, Sena turns toward the desert. He stares straight ahead and clasps his hands behind his back, as if he were reciting for his own tutor.

"Those were the days after Arceus the Creator had stretched out his thousand arms and separated Tiamu of the salt water and Apsatta of the fresh water, after he had first created the earth and sky," he begins, speaking slowly, concisely, deliberately. "But the earth was yet empty and barren; no plants grew from its soil, no Pokemon or humans walked upon its surface. Arceus looked upon his creation and saw that it was yet empty and barren, and determined it should not be so. So he stretched out his thousand arms to the earth below, to the earth that had once been Tiamu of the salt water. And--"

"I fail to see any difference," I say, trying to keep the impatience from my voice; I don't want to let him know how he's frustrating me. "Arceus shapes the earth into mountains and valleys, but he still can't create life, correct?"

"Yes," Sena says, glancing at me briefly.

"So he councils with the four," I continue, "And they tell him that only Tiamu and Apsatta could do that, and only when they were together."

"It seems you know the story well," Sena says.

"Of course I do," I say. "Did you expect less?"

Sena shakes his head and says, "No, Your Highness. I only meant to compliment you."

Although I know it's only flattery, my chest swells with pride at his comment. Arcanine looks up at me, and I feel so foolish. But it's all right as long as I can keep Sena from noticing.

I hold my head high and say, "Well, then. You may continue. But don't waste any more of my time repeating things I already know!"

"Yes, Your Highness," Sena replies. "As in the story you know, the four elder Pokemon gods tell Arceus that he must bring Tiamu and Apsatta together to create life on Earth."

"Yes" I say, "and Arceus pulled Apsatta's tail down toward Tiamu, which caused the first rain, and Enbilu formed where the rain hit the desert."

Sena turns his head abruptly and looks down at me. "No," he says firmly. I pull back without really meaning to, and he responds in kind, his mouth twitching. Arcanine stiffens and bares his teeth for a moment, but catches himself and relaxes right away. "I mean, yes, that is what happens in Urutu's story."

"That is what really happened, you mean," I say.

Sena glances sideways as he says, "Yes. But Shul has a different version of events."

I cross my arms. "Yes, I seem to recall you telling me that, some ages ago,” I say.

Sena turns his head away, but I still see a silent laugh move across his face. For some reason, this makes me want to laugh, too, but I manage to keep from smiling as I say, "Are you finally getting to the point?"

"I am, I promise," Sena says, looking at me with the ghost of his laugh still playing about his lips and eyes. "In fact, it begins here." He turns his face toward the desert again, and his expression becomes serious. After another moment, he begins reciting, "And so Arceus heeded the words of the four elder Pokemon, the words of Lehurat who shines, and of Lehursa who sees, and of Muddat who cries out, and of Muddasshu who hears." This again. But he'll probably come to the point sooner if I don't interrupt; he can't stall forever. "Thus, the creator stretched out his thousand arms to the earth below, to the earth that had once been Tiamu of the salt water. And..." This time, it's Sena who hesitates. He stares down at his feet and twists his hands behind his back. Surely, he hasn't forgotten something. I keep my eyes on him, trying to pressure him, and so does Arcanine. At first, it seems to be working; I can almost feel Sena's heart pounding against his ribs. But then he swallows, lifts his head, and sets his brow resolutely. When he begins again, his voice is more loud and forceful than before. "And he began to pile the earth into a great mound, piled it higher and higher, until it became a mountain. Arceus piled yet more earth onto the mountain that he had created, piled it yet higher and higher, until the mountain pierced the sky, the sky that had once been Apsatta of the fresh water. And from the pierced sky, fresh water began to flow, began to flow down the side of the mountain, flowed until it became a river. From that river sprung Enbilu, sprung Enbilu the rain-maker, Enbilu the life-giver."

Arcanine's fur bristles as I hold down the anger that's been building inside me. When I'm sure the story's finished, I say, "But there's no mountain near Enbilu River."

Sena turns his head to me and says, "No, there isn't. That's the difference in Shul's story."

"But the story doesn't make any sense," I insist, resisting the urge to stamp my foot. But my stance is still rigid, and my voice sounds too hot. After taking a moment to calm myself, I continue with less urgency, "What kind of fool believes a story that so obviously isn't true?"

Sena looks away again, tilting his head up, and saying, "Well..."

At least his confidence seems to have disappeared.

"'Well,' what?" I press.

"Well..." He stares off in the direction opposite me, toward the guard at the end of the tower, who is leaning against the wall and yawning. "There's more to the story than that." He shakes his head. "Or, no, I suppose it's a different story."

"Well," I begin. I turn my back to the wall and lean against it, crossing my arms again; Sena glances at me, but looks away again when I turn my eyes back to him. "Let's have it, then."


He tilts his head to the side, away from me, and says, "I would prefer, Your Highness, to tell you only one story per lesson. I always found myself getting things confused when I tried to learn them too fast."

"Fine," I say with a wave of my hand, as if there's nothing to be done about it. Though I want to know more... to tell the truth, I can't help feeling apprehension about what might be in this new story. "Next time, then. But don't think I'll forget."

Sena finally turns back to me, gives me a reluctant half-smile, and says, "Quite the contrary, Your Highness; I'm certain you won't."

For a moment, I forget myself and smile at him, genuinely this time. Just as quickly I catch myself and start to turn away... but that's only more obvious, so I stop myself, leaving the trace of a smile on my face as if I meant to do it. Now, though, my mouth doesn't want to obey; I'm sure my expression looks forced. What a fool I am, letting Sena catch me off-guard like that! But... how could I have prepared myself, when I don't even understand what happened? What was that? What came over me? For that one moment, it felt as if Sena and I were old friends teasing each other, rather than real enemies.

Again, he doesn't acknowledge my indiscretion, just looks down at me with a faint smile and eyes that seem sad, somehow. But perhaps I'm only imagining things. Sena turns his face toward his home at the base of the distant mountains; I turn halfway toward him, lean with one arm on the wall, and direct my gaze there, too. Enbilu's scales glitter so brightly in the rising sun that I can't help squinting. I shield my eyes so Sena doesn't notice the way they keep moving back to his face. His smile has faded, but that faraway look in his eyes remains. What does he see there, I wonder? His feelings are irrelevant to me, of course, but it makes me think of... Arcanine keeps glancing at Sena, too, so I place my hand on his head to redirect his attention. He obeys, but with some difficulty. Poor Arcanine-- I'm confusing him with my silliness; it's not fair to him. Still, I can't help wondering... Though I know I really shouldn't, and I hesitate for a long, silent moment, I finally ask Sena, "Do you miss it?"

I feel his eyes on me for a moment before he turns back to stare out in front of him. He shrugs, then says, "It's home."

Somehow, I think I know what he means... but what does that matter? It's no solace to me if Shul is home to Sena. In fact... if he misses that wasteland, then how much more will I miss the paradise of Urutu?

Mundane memories flash across my mind-- lying awake mornings in the room I've slept in every night since I was a small child, staring up at the tapestries depicting the banks of Enbilu River. The view from my favorite spot under the big tree, how beautiful the garden looks in the warm afternoon light. Standing here, watching the sky turn pink and purple and gold with the sunset. How could anywhere else ever, ever replace it? Especially somewhere like Shul. The thought makes me want to cry. Again I wonder if my father is sending me away as punishment, and a pang of wanton anger fills my chest. But no, no, he knows best, it's disloyal to think such things. Arcanine nuzzles my hand with his cold, wet nose, and I look at him and try to smile away the concerned look in his eyes. I take a moment to clear my mind, let those feelings dissolve.

Sena nods toward me and says, "You know, the court at Shul isn't so different from the one here in Urutu. It's not as grand, of course, but there is beauty there, and it's very comfortable."

I turn my face to the ground to hide my flushing cheeks-- was I really so obvious? And is Sena really trying to comfort me? How pathetic I am!

"If I could get along there," he continues, "I'm sure you'll be fine."

Without thinking I look up at him and ask, "What do you mean?"

Sena meets my eyes for a moment, then shrugs. "I've never felt at ease with courtly life," he says. "So much etiquette to keep up with... you must have your wits about you constantly, lest you offend the wrong person."

"So?" I say. "It's the same for me."

"Yes, but unlike me, you were born to it," Sena says with another nod toward me.

"And you weren't?" I ask.

Sena looks back at me, head tilted, brows knitted. "Didn't you know?" he asks. "I was born a peasant."

I shake my head. "No, I hadn't heard," I reply, trying to sound detached. Arcanine looks up at me, ears raised and alert. "I'm afraid you don't come up in conversation very much."

"I'm certain I don't," Sena says with a smile, seemingly unaffected by my insult.

But it was the best I could do. How humiliating to be caught unaware! Worse than humiliating, I've shown ignorance. And in front of a peasant, no less! All I can do is try not to let it happen again.

I lean back and ask, playfully, "So, how did a peasant come to live in Shul's royal court?"

"The same way he came to be part of the royal court of Urutu," Sena says with a crooked smile, "by telling stories."

"That tells me nothing," I say, copying his expression. Arcanine looks back and forth between us as we talk. Loathe though I am to admit it, I really am curious about Sena's background. "For someone whose job it is to tell stories, you're not very good at telling your own."

This time when Sena smiles, it seems genuine. "Perhaps I should start at the beginning, then," he says. He looks toward Shul again, as if his history were written there for him to read. "As you are well aware, Your Highness," he says with a quick, mischievous glance in my direction, "Shul is a barren land. My family, like most others there, are poor farmers who struggle to grow enough food to feed themselves. It's exhausting work..." He pauses and looks down at his feet, then continues "And I was never suited for it. I've always been physically weak, and when I was old enough to help work my family's field... I did my best with the small jobs I was given, but I was frequently ill."

"And they made you do it, anyway?" I ask, standing straight. Arcanine mirrors my posture. "How horrible! I knew Shul was a terrible place, but--"

"No, I wanted to do it," Sena says, shaking his head. He looks at me as if he's waiting for me to reprimand him for interrupting me; I really should, but I'm too stunned by his statement, the vehemence behind it. Farming without Oxie to till the fields or Camu to water the crops must be backbreaking work, especially in such a harsh land... The people of Shul bring it upon themselves, of course, but I can't imagine why anyone would actually want to do it. When Sena turns away, I finally ask, "Why?"

He looks back at me with pursed lips, then to his feet again. He's silent for a moment, and then he stares back out at Shul.

"Shul isn't like Urutu," he says after a moment. "Not among us peasants, anyway. Physical strength is a virtue; a man who's too weak to work the land and provide food for his family..." He pauses, tilts his head back, then finishes, "It's shameful."

"Shameful? But it wasn't your fault," I say. I can't believe I'm taking Sena's part, but it doesn't make sense.

"No," Sena sighs, "I suppose it wasn't. But... Well, consider how things are here. If someone is dull-witted, is that their fault? Yet those around them will still make fun of them, exclude them."

"Is that..." I start. But I'm not sure how to ask.

Sena nods once, not looking at me. "My older brothers. According to them, I might as well have been one of the women, since I spent most of my time indoors with them." He says this in a clipped, almost sneering tone, then pauses. After a moment he continues, in a more even voice, "I think they resented that I was excused from work so often, the way my grandmother coddled me..." He turns to me with a gentle smile on his face and shining eyes. "But it was from her that I learned Shul's stories; she always told them to me when I was sick and resting."

What is he doing? The expression on his face is so warm and genuine that I can't help... But that's probably exactly what he wants; I mustn't let my guard down. Arcanine feels drawn to him, wants to go over and lick his hand. But he knows I won't allow that, so he just looks up at him sadly. Sena stares back with a kind expression. It feels wrong to make a snide remark about his story... but I won't show any other emotion, either.

"But what does any of this have to do with the courts of Shul?" I ask.

"I'm getting to it, I promise," Sena says, holding up his hands in front of him and smiling openly. He relaxes and continues, "My grandmother thought I was very intelligent, so she sent me to take the civil servant exams."

"And you passed, because of the stories she told you?" I guess.

"Oh, no, I failed," he says with a laugh. "I had little education. But while I was there, I told stories to the other applicants, in our free time, to entertain them."

Didn't they already know them?" I ask.

Sena shrugs, rests his hands on the wall, and leans forward. "Not the way I do. The nobles, as I soon found out, focus their children's education on practical things, politics and maths, in hopes that they'll have successful career in court. Things like poetry are considered..." he waves his hand in front of him and finishes, "superfluous."

"So the peasants know the stories of your country better than the nobles?" I ask incredulously. "How backward!"

But I suppose I shouldn't have expected any more from a place like Shul.

Sena shakes his head and answers, "No. I'm afraid the peasants know even less than the nobles." He pauses. "In fact, they tend to discourage their telling."

"What?" I ask, my brow creasing."Why?"

"Well," he begins, then stops, staring down at his hands. Then he raises his head and says, "My mother always told my grandmother not to fill my head with that kind of thing. She said it was better to focus on our present, rather than silly stories."

"Silly stories?" I exclaim, rather too loudly. Arcanine bristles slightly, and Sena looks at me with raised eyebrows. "That's what she called your history?" I pause, then look away from him, lift my head, and continue, "I mean, I know Shul's history is full of errors, but even so... A people's history should be sacred to them."

Sena gives a deep nod. "I agree, very strongly," he says, "But I think what my mother meant is..." He holds his palms up and studies them, then looks back to me. "She thought that it had nothing to do with our lives, the work we had to do. She thought it was better to live the life we were given, and that thinking about the fantastic and wondrous would only make us unhappy with our lot... That thinking of our past would only make the present seem harsher."

"That's ridiculous!" I exclaim.

He shrugs again. "I do know what she meant," he says. “But if our lives are nothing but drudgery, if there's no beauty..." He shakes his head at the thought. "What's the point of it all?"

I have no idea what to even say to that. So I say nothing.

"Anyway," Sena continues after a brief pause. "One of the king's aides heard me reciting Shul's stories. Apparently, the king thought it was a shame that there'd been no storyteller in court for so long, and was looking for one. So he brought me into his palace, had me educated, trained in etiquette and performance..."

"So you worked closely with him, then?" I ask, trying not to sound too eager. Arcanine looks away from Sena, but his ears stay alertly raised.

But Sena shakes his head. "No," he says. "I recited for him and his guests at holidays and important ceremonies, but those were the only times I saw him."

I try to keep myself from asking what I really want to know... but I can't help myself.

"Did you know the prince, then?" I ask, trying to sound as if I don't care about the answer.

Sena's eyes dart away from mine and he says, "No."

"Well, then, was there any talk of him at court?" I press. What is it he doesn't want to tell me? I can't stand not knowing.

"Well..." Sena starts.

"Yes? Don't test my patience, Sena,” I demand.

He grimaces, but still doesn't look at me. Finally, he says, "I did hear it said that he was lazy and cared nothing for his duties or studies."

"So it's true, then," I say flatly, my heart sinking.

"It was only a rumor," Sena says.

"Don't patronize me, Sena," I snap.

He sighs. "I'm sorry," he says, and at least he sounds like he means it. "But he's only one person. I'm sure you'll find your place in Shul's court."

The way he says it, a little bitterly, makes me think that he never did... but that has nothing to do with me. Maybe Sena is right. Maybe things will even be better for me in Shul, where no one knows my story. The thought cheers me a little, at least. My eyes rest on Arcanine, who's leaning almost inperceptively toward Sena. I feel that pull, too... but it's only through Arcanine. It vexes me to see him developing friendly feeling toward my opposition, and I won't give in and let him go to him like he wants. Still... I feel a little bad for holding him back. He can't help it; he's just too kind-hearted for his own good. And where would I be now, without his unconditional loyalty? Arcanine senses my gratitude toward him and turns to me; I lean down to wrap my arms around his neck and hug him tight, press my face into his soft, warm fur.

When I raise my head, I see Sena looking down at us with that same sad smile. What's behind that expression, I wonder? Not knowing makes me uneasy.

"What are you staring at, Sena?" I ask, standing slowly.

He turns his face away and says, "Please forgive me, Your Highness. I was only admiring your Bond with Arcanine."

"Oh," I say. "Well, I suppose I can't blame you for that."

"Many stories speak of it, the Bond," Sena continues. "I've often wondered what it's like."

"Only the Urutu royal family and our priestesses are capable of it," I say plainly.

Surely, he already knows this; everyone does. But it couldn't hurt to remind him of his place.

He nods once and says, "Seeing you and Arcanine is the closest I'll ever get, I suppose. I feel you've given me a new appreciation for it."

"What do you mean?" I ask.

Sena shrugs. "Stories can tell you a great deal about the world," he says, still staring off into the distance. Then he finally turns back to me. "But it's not the same as experiencing something for yourself. Words could never convey the..." he stares down at his hands for a moment, then looks back up at me and continues, "the pull that exists between you and Arcanine, the way you move together, without even meeting eyes..." He pauses, then continues, "'As the moon pulls the sea by an invisible thread-- or is it the sea the moon? such was the bond between Alulim and Shedu.' I thought I understood those words before, but... Well, I suppose I'll never understand them the way you must, Your Highness."

"No, I suppose you won't," I say.

So he has been paying attention. Arcanine and I fight the urge to glance at each other, lest we expose my nervousness.

After a moment of silence, Sena adds, "You know, it takes an exceptionally strong mind and will to Bond with a Pokemon as intelligent as Arcanine."

"Of course," I say, "I'm--"

The thought suddenly strikes me-- does he know? Did he speak of my Bond with Arcanine with the intention of mocking me? The thought makes me burn with anger; my skin pricks as Arcanine's fur bristles; how dare he use a thing as sacred as the Bond in that way?! It's sacrilege! But then... But then, perhaps I am only imagining things. Sena does seem to have a great respect for the Bond, if not for me. Would he really speak of it so profanely? Or is his respect false? Could he really affect it so convincingly?

"You are...?" Sena says, interrupting my thoughts.

"Nothing, never you mind," I say, brushing an errant hair from my face.

He looks back at me with a question in his eyes, but it remains unvoiced. Neither of us say anything more; it seems we've reached an impasse. Arcanine shifts his paws up and down restlessly, torn between his own desire to stay and my desire to go. But I won't give in; I'll appear weak if I'm always the one to retreat. So I fold my arms and lean on the wall, watch Enbilu silently, as if I'm completely comfortable in Sena's presence, do my best to ignore the feeling of his eyes on me. The silent moment stretches on and out. I'm beginning to think he'll never leave when he says, "Well. Please excuse me, Your Highness, but I had best get back to work; His Majesty your father will not be pleased if I'm late with my latest engraving."

I nod with an absent-minded air, as if I'm in no hurry for him to leave. "You're excused, then, Sena," I say.

I keep my back turned to Sena as he passes behind me, but feel Arcanine turn his head to watch him go.

 

[diamondpearl876]

No one speaks to me or acknowledges me much at all these days (save the servants, and then only when I require them).

The servants aren't required to acknowledge her as a sign of respect?

Is it only in my mind that others are avoiding me? Perhaps it has always been that way, perhaps it was only Mira's presence that kept me from noticing.

I feel sorry for her here. This isn't exactly a fun question to consider, I know.

Sometimes, as the sun sets behind the distant mountains, the desert dunes look as if they were on fire. I thought I should never grow tired of gazing at that frighteningly beautiful scene. And I haven't.

Really like this bit of description and the emotion subtly portrayed here.

Why then... why do I find myself fighting a smile, too?

You're doing a pretty good job portraying her conflicting emotions. Having caught up on the interlude completely, I do have to admit that it gets fairly repetitive near the end. The only reactions you seem to see between their banter is her hoping that Sena's not noticed her messing up, or her explaining how humiliated she feels for messing up.

But I pin the corners of my mouth down; I won't allow Sena to make me react.

She says that, but in reality, she seems to have little control of the situation. Hmm...

I'm being silly-- it's only a story, nothing to fear. Arcanine senses my anxiety, but also my desire to keep it hidden. So he simply sits back on his haunches and keeps a close eye on Sena.

I could see an arcanine helping her out to make Sena feel uneasy, but it speaks to their Bond that the arcanine is reading her so well here and acting accordingly. I like it.

He tilts his head to the side, away from me, and says, "I would prefer, Your Highness, to tell you only one story per lesson.

This isn't really a formal lesson for them, though, is it?

"Fine," I say with a wave of my hand, as if there's nothing to be done about it. Though I want to know more... to tell the truth, I can't help feeling apprehension about what might be in this new story. "Next time, then. But don't think I'll forget."

Now, I think you focus on the rivalry between these two characters pretty well, but I see very little indication or thought put into what it is Your Highness here actually believes. By that, I mean her disbelief in the story seems to stem from the sheer dislike of Sena rather than the idea of the story opposing her personal beliefs. That's not too much of a complaint, but it would've revealed a bit more about her character, and it might've broken up the eventual repetitiveness of her overanalyzing her and Sena's body language.

Farming without Oxie to till the fields or Camu to water the crops must be backbreaking work, especially in such a harsh land... The people of Shul bring it upon themselves, of course, but I can't imagine why anyone would actually want to do it.

If they bring it upon themselves, couldn't it be the same as them wanting to do it? There's not enough information or context here to tell either way.

Maybe Sena is right. Maybe things will even be better for me in Shul, where no one knows my story.

I don't know, I think stories about nobility tend to travel fast.

At any rate, this was an interesting interlude that gave us a better glimpse into these characters as well as a broader idea of what the worldbuilding is like. This interlude, just like past ones, also give the fic an air of mystery, since clearly this world is going to be intertwined with Satsumi's in an important way. Looking forward to more.

 

[Hakajin]

The servants aren't required to acknowledge her as a sign of respect?

I mean, she'll get something between a nod and a bow from them, but there's no speaking. I should make that more clear. Inanna is... in a strange position. But I'll get to that later.

You're doing a pretty good job portraying her conflicting emotions. Having caught up on the interlude completely, I do have to admit that it gets fairly repetitive near the end. The only reactions you seem to see between their banter is her hoping that Sena's not noticed her messing up, or her explaining how humiliated she feels for messing up.

Thanks! Yeah, I have been feeling that it's been getting repetetive. It's a little hard because Inanna's so wary and afraid of screwing up, so that's where her focus is. There is some kind of change I'm trying to convey here... I'm not sure if it's coming through; the fact that you mention "conflicting emotions" makes me think it is a little, at least, but... There's a certain way I'm trying to convey something here that may not be coming across... But if that's the case, it'll be made explicit next chapter.

could see an arcanine helping her out to make Sena feel uneasy, but it speaks to their Bond that the arcanine is reading her so well here and acting accordingly. I like it.

Thank you! That aspect is actually really important.

This isn't really a formal lesson for them, though, is it?

Well, Sena's really concerned that she not go too fast and get confused. And something else, too, maybe.

Now, I think you focus on the rivalry between these two characters pretty well, but I see very little indication or thought put into what it is Your Highness here actually believes. By that, I mean her disbelief in the story seems to stem from the sheer dislike of Sena rather than the idea of the story opposing her personal beliefs. That's not too much of a complaint, but it would've revealed a bit more about her character, and it might've broken up the eventual repetitiveness of her overanalyzing her and Sena's body language.

? She says what she believes right here:

"Yes, and Arceus pulled Apsatta's tail down toward Tiamu, which caused the first rain, and Enbilu formed where the rain hit the desert."

And she justifies her disagreement here:

Arcanine's fur bristles as I hold down the anger that's been building inside me. When I'm sure the story's finished, I say, "But there's no mountain near Enbilu River."

Sena looks at me and says, "No, there isn't. That's the difference in Shul's story."

"But the story doesn't make any sense," I insist, standing rigid, resisting the urge stamp my foot. Even so, my voice sounds too hot. With less urgency, I continue, "What kind of fool believes a story that so obviously isn't true?"

It's a little hard to elaborate on, because she knows Sena is also familiar with that version, so she wouldn't explain it to him any more. In fact... the first part feels a little awkward to me, just as it is.

If they bring it upon themselves, couldn't it be the same as them wanting to do it? There's not enough information or context here to tell either way.

I think I covered this in an earlier chapter, but the way its perceived is that the people of Shul are very proud and stubborn and resent being ruled by foreign powers. Therefore, they reject any help they might receive. In a sense, you could say that's the same as wanting to suffer, but it's also like, they don't want to suffer, but they want to forgo their pride even less. As for the repetetiveness, that's something I can try to work on when I get to revising this chapter.

I don't know, I think stories about nobility tend to travel fast.

At any rate, this was an interesting interlude that gave us a better glimpse into these characters as well as a broader idea of what the worldbuilding is like. This interlude, just like past ones, also give the fic an air of mystery, since clearly this world is going to be intertwined with Satsumi's in an important way. Looking forward to more.

This is a bit of a special case... Anyway, thanks! And thanks for the review, it's good to know how things are coming across, what's working, what's not. Right now, instead of working on the next chapter, I'm doing revisions on everything that's up now. So far I've done the prologue, working on the first interlude right now... And something that's already changed is that some world-building from Inanna's side is gonna be pushed back. Hopefully, that'll help make certain things clearer. Anyway, see you next time!

 

[diamondpearl876]

? She says what she believes right here:

And she justifies her disagreement here:

Ah, yes, I meant in the narration itself rather than the dialogue, because it might've served to vary the narration a bit more. Sorry about the confusion.