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Pokemon Gijinka adventures

Discussion in 'Fan Fiction' started by Somerandompokemonfan, Oct 13, 2018 at 7:26 PM.

  1. Welcome to this fic i guess. I named it "Pokemon gijinka adventures" because I like the adventures manga, which it has no other relation to. This might be a bit awkward because I'm 14. It won't be the best written thing but I can write. It has Pokemon "gijinkas" or "pokemorphs" or whatever you call them. Just a few warnings before the prologue:

    • I have school so this might be slow
    • There will be some violence
    • I have no idea how long it will be
    • I'm terrible at making names
    • I'm kinda making this up as I go along, I don't know when or how it will end I just kinda know what the first "ark" is gonna be.
    Alright then, please tell me if you see anything wrong with the fic, tell me if you like it, and if you don't, tell me how to improve.



    Prologue

    "Thank you to everyone for being here and seeing through this experiment to its end. As you all know last month a few of our colleagues passed away during the attempted creation of the tenth experiment, and we now don't have enough people to take care of the nine others. First, John and Mary. Due to the nature of how we created the twins you two will have to take care of them." He pulled out two files.

    "The first is part Zangoose, as you know. The only thing we don't know is how he will act, as he gets older he may start to act more like a Pokemon possibly wanting to go hunting and we don't know how he will react to Sevipers or how they will react to him. And his sister, part Ralts shouldn't act or look much differently then a normal person however when or if she evolves she may change a bit, she may even be able to evolve into a Gallade but probably not." He handed them the files then grabbed four more.

    "Next the eeveelutions. There are four of em, a Leafeon, a Sylveon, Flareon, and Jolteon. The Flareon should be kept out of the cold, same with the Leafeon, who may need sunlight and extra water, she also might not need to eat as much. The Sylveon will be friendly maybe even to a fault, and will most certainly enjoy sweet foods. And whoever takes care of the Jolteon just keep him away from electric stuff. So who wants em?"

    "I'll take the Flareon and the Jolteon." said a man about nineteen years old, standing in the back. He had been the computer guy of the project helping out with technology.

    "You sure Nate? You don't have to take care of two."

    "It's fine, I can handle two. It's the least I can do, besides what if no one else wants them?"

    "Alright then. And who’s taking the other two?"

    "We'll take the Sylveon, I'm sure Susie won't mind" a woman in the back said, looking at her husband

    He shrugged. "Sure we can take another kid, shouldn't be too hard."

    "I guess we can take the Leafeon then." said a man in the back.

    "Oh but what about Emile honey?" His wife asked.

    "I'm sure he will be fine, he's only two I think he can get used to having a sister."

    "Alright what ever you say."

    "Okay here you go," He handed out the two files and pulled out the last three.

    "Alright Ray you're the only one left. Dratini, Purrloin, or Spinarak?"

    "I'll take Purrloin..... and Spinarak." He was handed two of the files.

    "That leaves Dratini. Everyone is sure they cant take care of her?" Everyone nodded in agreement.

    "Sorry Al, we'll have to find someone in town willing to take care of her."

    "Alright... Everyone meet up here Friday in two weeks, that's when we take the gijinkas out of the tanks. except Jhon and Mary, I'll check in with you two later. And again, thank you to everyone for helping out in anyway with this project, It's been a pleasure working with you all. See you next week."

    "See ya."

    "Bye." And with the last un-chosen file he headed out of the lab.
     
    Last edited: Oct 16, 2018 at 4:45 PM
  2. Sorry if this chapter is mostly dialogue, there wasn't much to describe. and by the way, you won't understand this chapter without reading the prologue. Also sorry this chapter only focuses on four of the gijinkas or morphs or whatever.

    Chapter 1
    "Honey, where is Rose?"

    "Outside with me." The baby Leafeon morph sat in the grass in front of her dad photosynthesizing. A little boy came out from behind his mother and grabbed onto her leg.

    "She's weird. Why did we have to take care of her again?" he looked up at his mother.

    "Emile... She's your sister. your gonna have to get used to it."

    "Mom I don't hate her she's just weird."

    "You better not go telling her that when she's old enough to understand."

    "I won't mom, I won't, I'm not a baby." Rose stood up and waddled back into the house.

    "Guess she's done. What are we making for dinner honey?"

    "Can we have burgers?"

    "Sure Emile." And they followed Rose inside.

    -------

    "MOMMY MOMMY LOOK!"

    "What Susie what?"

    "Vivi healeded my cut! See? See?" she held out her hand and pointed to where a cut once was.

    "'Yeah wow! Also, its healed not 'healeded'."

    "You don't seem excited."

    "Susie I'm making dinner."

    "But mom Vivi has MAGIC." she waved her arms in the air.

    "That's not magic silly, she's part Sylveon."

    "Oh. Why can't she talk?"

    "Cause she's a baby when you were a baby you couldn't talk. I'm glad you're getting along with her so well."

    "Mhm. I'm gonna tell Daddy."

    "Wait if your dad isn't watching Vivi who is? Honey? Can you go check in on Vivi for me? I'm making dinner."

    "Sure hon. Hi Susie."

    "Daddy you're never gonna believe what Vivi did!"

    "She gets along so well with Vivi after just a few weeks!"

    "Yeah, it's great! I thought raising her would be more difficult."

    "Yeah, I wonder how Ray is doing?"

    -------

    "Mikayla where are you?" He heard her giggle from the kitchen.

    "Wha- How did you get on the chandelier?" He reached up and took the Spinarak gijinka off the chandelier.

    "What am I gonna do with you, little spider? Let's go find your sister." He put down Mikayla who crawled over to the couch on her six legs and slipped behind it.

    "Where are you going now?" He heard a hissing noise soon after before her sister ran out from under the couch on all fours before Mikayla came back out.

    "Found!" she pointed to her sister with a big grin on her face.

    "You little rascal!" He picked up her sister, the Purrloin morph and sat down on the couch, turning the TV on. Mikayla climbed up onto the couch and sat next to her sister, who growled before giving up and lying down.

    "*sigh* Audrey you need to lighten up."
     
    Last edited: Oct 19, 2018 at 10:21 PM
  3. bobandbill

    bobandbill Winning Smile Staff Member Super Mod

    Welcome to the forum! Seems like you have quite the group of Pokemon morphs, may be fun. Interesting that there are some caretakers assigned to each of them - wonder where you'll take the tale!
    I have the same problem in my fics, haha - seems they get rather dialogue heavy.

    I would suggest trying to add in some more description than what is currently there though. There's a bunch you could come up with, and it may help to visualise the conversations. Consider how they say their lines, for instance. Body language is also a large part of talking. Describing any actions they're doing with their hands, eyes, etc. will give us more information on what the characters are like, and also be more interesting to read.

    Note that the spacing between paragraphs is quite large in the prologue; try to edit it so it looks like the second part you posted.

    One quick note too - there's some edits that could be done with punctuation in dialogue. For instance:
    Here you'd want to go with '...the Jolteon," said a man about...'. The reason for this is that the part following the dialogue doesn't work as its own sentence. Isolating it; if you read it out loud:
    ...It sounds incomplete, because it's referring to the dialogue. Hence, you'll want to forgo capitalising 'said', and instead of a full stop use that comma. Another example:
    This becomes:
    I made the same mistakes (as did many others) back with my first fic, haha. Easy enough to correct at any rate.
    You'll want to include a comma either before or after someone's name or nickname in dialogue. I.e. "Honey, where is Rose?".

    Good luck with the rest of your fic!
     
  4. Thank you for the corrections and advice. I will try to fix it and its good to know I'm not the only one who makes these mistakes. Maybe you could stick around for later chapters, i could use some help correcting them.
     
    bobandbill likes this.
  5. Umbramatic

    Umbramatic The Ghost Lord

    Hello! Always nice to see someone new to fic on here.

    Your premise regarding "morphs" is rather similar to a certain fanfic called Morphic dealing with the same subject. I don't know how much of this is intentionally following the same template, but I'm personally more interested in the differences - this fic seems like it will be much lighter in tone, for instance, and focuses on a much different group of morphs. I look forward to what you're doing with this.

    Your prose is... OK. Your dialogue is stronger and tends to overwhelm it, lol. I kinda have the same problem, though, and this is much better than what I could do at age 14 haha

    But this is shaping up to be a cute fic, just make sure to keep things polished.

    (Also if you want to interact with the rest of the community and get more advice there's a Discord server)
     
  6. Yeah it is pretty similar, for now, it will stop as many having similarities later on, and will probably be longer over all. Thank you for the constructive criticism. It’s good to know that other people make similar mistakes. Once I get farther and get better at writing I will probably go back and do some revision, also I put mykayla as a aridos, I meant spinarak. Ima go fix that.
     
    Last edited: Oct 16, 2018 at 5:48 PM

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