Pokemon: going back to the basics

[FireTrainer92]

This should be funny and dramatic

Chapter 1
Where's my wing?


Mickey used to be a pokemon phenom. Came third in Kanto and Hoenn and second in Jhoto. Nowadays Mickey is 18 at home with his Thyphlosion just siting in his apartment wondering where his life is going to take him now.
" Hey Thy give me one of those buffalo wings" Mickey screamed watching Watching the Pokemon Tornament. "thy phlo" His ever trustful thyphlosion said about to eat the last wing .
" Hey don't eat that " Mickey said and tackled his Thyphlosion for the last buffalo wing( sauce is every where). Thyphlosion with a quick headbutt made Mickey fly out of the building. Feeling victorious Thyphlosion ate the last wing. Mickey on the ground sees a very familar pokemon fly above him. His old Pidgeot flew just over him heading trowards Viridian Forest. Thyphlosion walks outside looking at Mickey saying " It's time to go on one more journey Thy"

only reason it's short because I'm giving you time to figrue out what Mickey is about to do? Give me some answers and i might just put your ideas in my story

 

[Comis Patronus]

Pretty good start. Love to hear more!

 

[Literate]

Okay, let's see...

Mickey used to be a pokemon phenomenom. He came third in Kanto and Hoenn and second in Jhoto. Nowadays Mickey, an eighteen-year-old, was always at home with his Thyphlosion just siting in his apartment wondering where his life is going to take him now.
"Hey, Thy give me one of those buffalo wings," Mickey shouted, watching the Pokemon Tornament.

"Thy phlo," his ever trustful Typhlosion said, about to eat the last wing.

"Hey! Don't eat that!" Mickey said, tackling his Typhlosion for the last buffalo wing (sauce was everywhere). Typhlosion, with a quick headbutt, made Mickey fly out of the building.

Feeling victorious, Typhlosion ate the last wing. Mickey, who was on the ground, saw a very familar pokemon fly above him. His old Pidgeot flew just over him headed towards Viridian Forest.

Typhlosion walked outside looking at Mickey, who said, "It's time to go on one more journey, Thy.

And that's how you make it decent if you know the basics of grammer. And spelling of Typlosion. I think that's the spelling. *shrugs*

~PEACE~

 

[Astinus]

Yeah, it's spelled Typhlosion.

Where's the story?

Why should I keep reading?

What's the plot.

Why should I care?

Litestars already pointed out your grammatical mistakes. I'll just say that your story is random and plot-less. Don't know how to help you out there.

 

[Comis Patronus]

Yeah, it's spelled Typhlosion.

Where's the story?

Why should I keep reading?

What's the plot.

Why should I care?

Litestar already pointed out your grammatical mistakes. I'll just say that your story is random and plot-less. Don't know how to help you out there.

Hey that's mean. Anyway, a little revision. Try looking at other stories as examples and the members' comments.

 

[Astinus]

How in the hoo-hah were my questions mean? They are the same questions that I ask every time I read a fic. If I find no reason to care, then I ain't coming back.

So sorry if I offended something you like. But, you know, it's true.

You do have a good point. Unfortunately, it's on top of your head.

I could have said that he was a...well, I won't insult him. I could have said that he should really just give up, go back home, and never think that he has a reason to live. But really, the questions that I ask should be asked of every story. Some stories automatically drag you in; other stories just kind of make you wonder why they ever saw the light of day. When the story looks unprofessional and is littered with grammatical mistakes, lack of description, and a lack of characters, then the questions automatically pop up in my mind.

Yes, a harsh review makes people feel bad. Anything negative to a person can do that. But it's a harsh reality. Not everyone is going to be like Ratiosu381, where everything is positive. When I originally posted my story on fanfiction.net, I got a harsh review. But it made me sit up and take notice. A harsh review can do more than just hurt someone. It can make them better.

So if this person can come back with great answers to my questions, then I won't have to be so vile, now would I? The writer themself has not a clue as to where the story is going, and is asking help from the readers. That's pretty bad right there, people.

 

[Thanatos]

Hey that's mean.

Actually, she was quite polite... she could have been much harsher.

Okay. For starters, your story was roughly eleven sentences. That is about two paragraphs. Mickey is the main character—yet we know positively nothing about him aside from the fact that he went through all the leagues (hmm, original) and likes hot-wings. As Hanako Tabris mentioned before, there is no plot, no character development, no description, no reason to care. The grammar was already touched on, so I won't beat on you for that...

Oh well. Please don't take offence by my comments. But really--what Pokemon fanfiction really requires to be exceptional is originality, since so many people have done the same cut-and-dry game-based plot so many times. It's tiring.

It's not hopeless, though -- Ratiosu381 suggested reading other stories. Reading is nearly as important as the actual writing. Also, try checking out the links below, they will help. Good luck, anyways.

Fanfiction Rules
Advice for Aspiring Authors

 

[Pinecone Tortoise]

How in the hoo-hah were my questions mean? They are the same questions that I ask every time I read a fic. If I find no reason to care, then I ain't coming back.

So sorry if I offended something you like. But, you know, it's true.

You do have a good point. Unfortunately, it's on top of your head.

How were your questions mean? Well, probably they wouldn't be to someone who was used to crushing crit, but the sheer newbie-ness of this story indicates that the writer is new to writing and therefore new to response. Yah, you have some valid points, but if you present them in a friendly way, it stands to reason that the person is more likely to listen. I know harsh reviews can be fun, but don't leave them on newbie stories - it just hurts people and they're more likely to look for reasons why you would be wrong rather than ways to use the advice you gave them.

FireTrainer92: litestars has pretty much done the corrections of your story. I know these don't seem like much, but presenting your story like this generally earns you more respect cause it just looks more professional. I know you might feel this is lot of effort to go to just to make your story appear 'pro', but when people come across a story where the author hasn't bothered with these things, they tend to write it off as 'newbie' work and ignore it or flame it.

Basically, spelling, grammar and punctuation are there to get your story to the point where readers can focus on the content without thinking 'wow, this person can't write'.

As for the actual idea, I find it interesting. You've got a kind of cute sense of humour and a rather original look at a washed up pro. The idea itself has amazing potential, but to truly put it to good use, there's a bit of work involved.

More description would really help - the point of description is pretty much to help the readers imagine what it's like in that scene by way of the senses: sight, smell, taste, touch and hearing. You've got the actual knowledge coming across - meaning the readers can understand what happens, but without the extra sensory information, the subtleties are harder to grasp.

Still, what you've got is amusing, if poorly presented. But presentation is pretty easy to fix, so congratulations so far. ^^ If you need a hand, let me know.

Piney.
;204;;324;

 

[FireTrainer92]

I never had time to edit it so here is forest wars




Getting ready to hit the road, Mickey gets his black book bag. Put on his brown cargo pants with a black shirt. For the final touch he slicked back his orange hair. “Let’s go Thyphlosion” he says. “Typhlo “Typhlosion responded... Walking down the road, Mickey remembers all of the great times they have had. (By them I mean Mickey and his pokemon) “We’re here” Mickey says looking at the entrance to the deep, dark Viridian Forest.
When they entered the green, lush forest there wasn’t a bug pokemon in sight. “Typhlo thy “Typhlosion says pointing up. Mickey looked up and saw a bunch of bird pokemon fighting. A Fearow called his army (made up of Spearows and Fearows) and a Pidgeot called his (made up of pidgeys, Pidgeottos, and Pidgeots). “Hey there’s Pidgeot and hey it has a scar on its eye and hey owww” Mickey said after Typhlosion punched him in the jaw. The sky turned black and it started to drizzle. The two bird leaders yelled their war cry and the armies charged against each other.
Typhlosion, not wanting to see one of its best friends be beaten, charged in and flame wheeled a Fearow. “Fear owww” Fearow said fainting. “Go thy, it’s your birthday we gonna party like it’s your birthday” Mickey Said cheering his pokemon on. While Mickey was cheering on his Fire pokemon, Typhlosion’s interference caught the eye of the Fearow leader. Fearow thought this threat would mean his chance of forest leader would end, so he went down for an immediate attack. Pidgeot, seeing the threat to Thyphlosion, he also went down to protect his old friend. “Ty! “Mickey said seeing that his friend could be injured from a high altitude drill peck. By the time Typhlosion turned around it was already too late so it braced for the attack. “Pidgeot” Pidgeot said while using his super fast Aerial Ace attack. “Fear ooww” Fearow said fainting. The war was over. The fearow army fled and the bug pokemon rejoiced.
Later…… “Pidgeot would you come with me to find my other pokemon” Mickey asked Pidgeot. Pidgeot nodded and Typhlosion jumped for joy knowing that he got his pal back. Before they left, Pidgeot had to explain to the other pokemon that he was leaving and gave a crown looking branch to another Pidgeot to be the new appointed Forest leader. After he accomplished these tasks he left with Mickey on one last journey.

 

[Literate]

It's better. But still needs more work. You have a fragment in the first line. And you repeatedly change tenses. The parts in parentheses is not needed, as you could put it within the main text. You need to know how to make paragraphs.

Rule: When starting dialogue, start a new paragraph:

Getting ready to hit the road, Mickey gets his black book bag. Put on his brown cargo pants with a black shirt. For the final touch he slicked back his orange hair. “Let’s go Thyphlosion” he says.

“Typhlo “Typhlosion responded...

Rule: Have tense consistency.

Getting ready to hit the road, Mickey got his black book bag. Put on his brown cargo pants with a black shirt. For the final touch he slicked back his orange hair. “Let’s go Thyphlosion” he said.

“Typhlo “Typhlosion responded...

Rule: Have no sentence fragments:

Getting ready to hit the road, Mickey got his black book bag. He put on his brown cargo pants with a black shirt. For the final touch he slicked back his orange hair. “Let’s go Thyphlosion” he said.

“Typhlo “Typhlosion responded...

Rule: Use punctuation in the right places:

Getting ready to hit the road, Mickey got his black book bag. He put on his brown cargo pants with a black shirt. For the final touch, he slicked back his orange hair. “Let’s go, Thyphlosion,” he said.

“Typhlo," Typhlosion responded.

Rule: Have correct spelling:

Getting ready to hit the road, Mickey got his black book bag. He put on his brown cargo pants with a black shirt. For the final touch, he slicked back his orange hair. “Let’s go, Typhlosion,” he said.

“Typhlo," Typhlosion responded.

Rule: Let it make sense:

Getting ready to hit the road, Mickey got his black book bag. He put on his brown cargo pants along with a black shirt. For the final touch, he slicked back his orange hair. “Let’s go, Typhlosion,” he said.

“Typhlo," Typhlosion responded.

Lastly: Rule: Use your head!:

When getting ready to hit the road, Mickey got his black book bag. He put on his brown cargo pants along with a black shirt and for the final touch, he slicked back his orange hair. “Let’s go, Typhlosion,” he said.

“Typhlo," Typhlosion responded.

Now my mini grammar lesson is over. I hope you have a nice day and use the points I have told you. Keep it in mind. I really do hope you'd revise it though.

~PEACE~

 

[~*Nobody*~]

Ok I'm not going to give you a grammar lesson but I will say this:
Why is it so short? A Prologue is longer then that even. A chapter alone should be 3 pages in microsoft word. Please re-write this and make it longer.

 

[Breezy]

That entire grammar thing got me confused litestars. =X I thought you were quoting different parts of the fic. Maybe you should of explained them too. You can point out and fix his mistakes, but he won't be able to fix them himself if he has no clue what's he doing, especially since he still doesn't seem to get it the second time around.

A decent story should be around 3 pages on Word, yes, but not all good stories have to be long.

Anyways, Bree is bored. Lucky you, you get a review from me. >>;

I'll tackle grammar a bit.

READ IT OUT LOUD. There's a more likely chance that you'll be able to catch your mistakes if you do so. For example, would you say:

Put on his brown cargo pants with a black shirt

out loud like that? Of course not. You would say "He put on his brown cargo pants with a black shirt" if you were reporting on what Mickey was doing like he were real. Yah?

Tense switches, tense switches... You know what those are? There's past tense, present tense, past partcipial tense, future tense, a million. But we'll just narrow this down to past tense and present tense. Past tense (verbs that usually end in "-ed") is what happened before. Present tense (verbs whose words usually end in "-s") is what's happening now. Pick one whichever you feel more comfortable with and stick with it.

Moving on...

The sudden "let's go on a journey Ty!" thing was somewhat random when Mickey's Pidgeot flew overhead needed more explanation. Unless Mickey knew that Pidgeot was fighting to be forest king. That'd be a bit better. I guess.

Wouldn't it of been an insult to Pidgeot to have Typhlosion fight his battles for him? Pidgeots always seemed to have some sort of pride about them. He's also fighting for king of the forest right? Wouldn't that show of bad sense of leadership to the other Pokémon if he had to call in for help? Of course, I'm just assuming things.

Why did the bug Pokémon rejoice? Don't Pidgeots eat Caterpies? I remember reading that in one of the Pokédex entries. =X Awmawgad, those suicidal bugs. ;-;

So why did Mickey let his Pokémon go? And what makes him think they'd
want to come back to him after being free for so long?

...point proven yet? I exaggerated a bit on questions of course, but my point was that you need more explanation for some of the plot, otherwise you'll have some major loops and holes that you won't be able to fill up later.

Description... hmm. You get the basic gist of it, which is of course fine, but more won't kill you. Describe the battles or scenery a bit better so you're readers won't have to use their brains and imagine things too much.

Do dee doo. =3

LaTeR dAyZ!

 

[FireTrainer92]

since I'm writing all of the stories at once I'll give you a preveiw of episodes to come

#3. Mickey goes to mt.moon to find misty and battle her to get the water eon pokemon back

#C1 This is a split from the series kind of like pokemon chronicles. Michael battles agatha to go to the finals.

#4 Mickey goes to lavender town to find a disruptence in pokemon tower ( rebulit because the radio tower flopped) and has to go to saffron to get his alakazam

 

[FireTrainer92]

Those unanswered questions: Pidgeot was already a king fearow was trying to take it away from him. the only reason pidgeot came back with Mickey is to have one last journey. Mickey is a trainer like ash but has better pokemon. He does get over confident and always cracks when he is in an important battle. ( you'll see during pokemon: Mickey chronicles)

Here's a preveiw of chapter 3 Round 1 Mt.Moon

"Pidgeot use arieal ace attack" Mickey says fericely. The attack barely hit starmie. "Hydro pump now" Misty says. "ahhh it's wing

 

[FireTrainer92]

for those who have waited here's part one to chronicle number 1. It rhymes

Mickey the new pokemon champion was the thought that has Mickey pumped up and prepared to fight in the last round before the finals. He doesn't know that his next match is against a member of the Elite 4 but he thinks he is ready for anything. He thinks to win he and his pokes needs to be one in order to defeat he next challange. He steps in to the ring without a second thought.........

" Hello folks welcome to the last semi-finals match," the announcers says with excitemnt.

 

[Zephyr Flare]

never had time to edit, what does that imply? A fanfiction is not a five minute gesture, it's a creative art piece just like say a painting that deserves the care and attention to nuture it best or it will simply die and you'll have seen it as nothing more than a time waster.

There is a strange thing in these forums, they are called ADVICE FOR ASPIRING AUTHORS and they are also called FANFICTION RULES. You're completely ignoring what anybody says to help improve and not even bothering to try.

Going down.


Sandra