Pokemon: Grays adventures

[stoopidmahn]

im ready to share the story of Gray with you guys. Every week or so i will put another part on. And don't miss my comic about Gray, but thats coming soon. Prologue

Twelve years have passed since Red beat the Indigo league. He left off in search of a new land, and soon found one. He found a wife named Pink and they had eleven children, each named after colors. Up until six years ago, they had been living alone in a whole new content, until Red decided to make his own pokemon league. Three years ago, the league was completed. There were thirteen cities/towns, and the sons and daughters became the gym leaders of this league. A newly graduated Professor Dekon decided to be the league’s official scientist, which included giving trainers their starter pokemon, chosen from Growlithe, Psyduck, or Lotad. Two years ago, people started buying jewelry made from Aipom tails. More and more people started killing the Aipom, until they were endangered. Now only few Aipom remain, with people still hunting them. And that is where our story begins, near Akana Town of the Raintopolis rainbow league…

Chapter 1: Run away Aipom

Whoosh! A purple monkey creature with a giant hand on its tail frantically leaped from tree to tree. It was an endangered Pokemon, Aipom. Aipom’s breath was quick, but it continued through the thick trees. A town was not far away, but Aipom was in big trouble. A hunter was chasing Aipom on his motorbike, with his Houndoom speeding in front of him.
“You can’t run forever Aipom! I’m going to use you in our master plan!”
Aipom looked around just as Houndoom jumped up to tackle it. “Ai-POM!” It yelled as it spun around quickly and wacked Houndoom with the glove like part of his tail. This Aipom was a male Aipom, and it had just used mega punch. Finally, he was at Akana town, the heart of Raintopolis. Just as Aipom reached the town, the hunter hit him with a net, but Aipom went flying inside the net and flew right into Prof. Dekon’s laboratory.
“Dang it Aipom, stop trying to get away!” The hunter yelled at the still dark sky, for it was early in the morning.


Prof. Dekon was at his lab working early when he saw the tiny Aipom fly in through the window.
“Oh wow! An Aipom, whats wrong?” He said as Aipom started waving it’s arms up and down. “Ai, Ai, pom, Aipom!” Then the door exploded. Prof. Dekon grabbed Aipom in his arms. “Now I know what you meant, Pokemon hunters!” He jumped behind a table and kept his mouth shut. The hunter entered the door.
“Come out wherever you are, you stupid Aipom!” He laughed. The hunter jumped to the spot where Prof. Dekon and Aipom were, but they had moved. “Nobody escapes from Ted Carbon of Team Shadow!” Prof. Dekon looked at Aipom. “What kind of name for a bad guy is Ted?” He whispered. Aipom chuckled silently. “Fine then, maybe you left, but I will get you Aipom!” Ted yelled as he left. Prof. Dekon sighed. “I wonder who Team Shadow is, and I wonder why they wanted you.”

 

[Skysthelimit]

This looks a bit short. Maybe you could make your next chapter longer.
And I would recommend you to add more description in the next chapter.

 

[MewMan]

This is far too short for a first chapter. Try describing things better, it seems its just dialouge now. You could also do with spacing it out.

 

[stoopidmahn]

ok, thanks for the ideas, i thought it was a bit short too... ill get on chapter 2!

 

[nashie1]

Imagine we are in the pokemon wold and we don't know what a monkey looks like (or an aipom for that matter) So it wouldn't be a good idea to describe an apoim as a purple monkey. Houndoom also needs description.

 

[stoopidmahn]

ok, i'm done part 2. It's a little bit longer, and more descriptive.Chapter 2
Late again

A pitch black room. All that could be heard was a small eerie voice.
“Gray…. Wake up… You’re going to be late for school…” It seemed to sound like a female voice. “GAH!” A thirteen year old boy jumped out of his small bed. His purple eyes gazed around his tiny light blue room. Posters of Growlithe, Psyduck, and Lotad. Growlithe looked like a little orange puppy with black stripes, and a tan- colored mane. Psyduck was a small yellow duck, with a confused look on its face. Lotad was a blue blob with a giant green dish on its back. These were the starter Pokemon of the Rainbow League. A tall lady with dark hair and a pink dress on walked up the stairs into the room. “Gray, get up! You’re going to be late for school again! You still have to walk all the way to Narka city!” Gray, the boy, stroked his light hands through his thick brown hair. “Well then, can you leave so I can get dressed?” He asked politly. And the lady left.

It had been five minutes until Gray came down the stairs into the brown living room. He wore an orange and black shirt and bandana, a pair of gray pants, red shoes, and gray gloves. He quickly rushed out the green door and out into the town outside. Gray’s mom, the lady with dark hair, waved to him. Gray rushed passed grass and small houses on the way out of the small Akana town. The sky was a light blue, and you could see the bright sun over the tops of the trees that surrounded this place. Gray rushed down the rocky path, until he got to a large gate with a computer beside it. “PLEASE SWIPE ID,” It said. Gray reached into his pocket and pulled out a little white card with a black and white barcode on it. He swiped it, and there was a beep. “NOT OLD ENOUGH TO TRAVEL ROUTE 1 ALONE. ESCORT REQUIRED.”
Gray yelled. “Suzy, come on? Where are you?” Soon a teenage girl with red hair came running down the path. “Sorry I’m late Gray! I know you’re late too!” She yelled. “Come on Suzy, let’s go!” Gray hastly said. Suzy wore a maids outfit, but she was not maid. She was the escort for under-age kids who needed to get to school in Narka City. So the two ran down the forest on the rocky path.

Gray and Suzy finally reached the huge Narka city. Cars filled the street, and people filled the sidewalks. “BYE SUZY!” Gray yelled as he left Suzy at the forest’s edge. Suzy waved goodbye. Gray ran down the sidewalk, and he passed by the world biggest Seviper. Hundreds of people stood at the gate watching it. Seviper was a long black and purple snake-like creature, with fangs and a super long tongue. About five minutes past, and Gray finally made it to a large brown building. This was Gray’s school, Poke Jr. high. Gray burst through the door and ran down the hall into class. When Gray finally got to his class, his teacher Mr. Gorgan was reading a book. Gray quickly snuck to his desk at the back of the small classroom. The kid beside him had a blue and white hat and vest on. He also wore a purple backpack. “Jeeze Gray, that was a close one!” Gary turned his head. “Yeah, I know Cole! You don’t have to rub it in!” He yelled. Mr. Gorgan quickly spun around. “NO TALKING IN CLASS! DETENTION’S FOR BOTH OF YOU!” He yelled. Gray and Cole sighed. “Well, at least we become pokemon trainers tomorrow.” Cole said. “Yeah…” Gray agreed.

What are pokemon and pokemon trainers? Well, Pokemon are mystical creatures that cover the pokemon world. There are over four hunred known species. People can catch pokemon and use them in battle. They are called pokemon trainers. When you turn a certain age, you qualify to become a pokemon trainer. You get a pokedex, and poketech/pokegear/pokenav, and a starter pokemon. Starter pokemon are usually rare. Trainers capture pokemon using pokeballs, and the pokemon stay there until they are called upon. Some pokemon are so rare, there’s only one of them in the entire world! But not all trainers are good. Some people use pokemon for evil, like Team Rocket, or Team Shadow. Not all people have to be pokemon trainers though, you can be a coordinator, somebody who competes in pokemon contests, a breeder, you breed pokemon, or a certain type trainer. When you’re a trainer, you use your pokemon to battle really good trainers, called gym leaders. When you beat a gym leader you get a gym badge. When you collect enough gym badges you qualify for a pokemon league. A pokemon league is the hardest place to win in. You have to battle the elite four, and then the champion. These are the best trainers around and most people loose against them.

Ted walked into a dark room. A voice came out of the shadows. “So, where is the Aipom?” It said. Ted held his head down. “The mission was a failure, Sir.” “And what about you, Suzy, did you find the Munchlax?” Suzy walked into the room. She was wearing a dark suit and sunglasses. “No Sir, but this kid, there’s something about him. Something special.” “Fine. Your failures have led me to one choice, I’m demoting you. You shall follow this kid, and see what happens.” The voice said sharply. “Both of us?” Ted gasped. “Yes. Both of you. AND DON”T MESS UP AGAIN!” The voice yelled. So Ted and Suzy left the room.

 

[deoxisnator]

I just have to say this: looking forward to chapter 3!

 

[Yami Ryu]

.... you are proving you're as stupid as your name says, aren't you.

THE BASICS

-----------------------------------------------------------------

As I have read the various works posted on this board, I have noticed many of the same problems over and over. Here are some general guidelines to follow when writing your fics:

1) Proper Use of the Keyboard.
There are several useful keys on the keyboard:

Enter/Return: This is one of the most useful keys. Use it whenever you have finished with one idea and are ready to move on to the next paragraph. Use it when one person has finished speaking, and another is about to start. When doing so, hit it twice, to produce a blank line between paragraphs. This makes it a lot easier for your readers to tell where your paragraphs start and end. Large blocks of uninterrupted text are hard to read.

Shift: Another important key. Hold it down when typing the first letter of a sentence, the first letter of a name, or the letter 'I' when using it as the first person singular subject pronoun.

Caps Lock: Often used as a substitute for the 'Shift' key. Don't do it. Text should not be in all capital letters unless someone is SHOUTING!

The Spacebar: Hit it once after every word or comma, twice after a period.

Tab: Unfortunately, this does not work to indent paragraphs on these boards. This is why a blank line between paragraphs is essential.

Other Keys: Your keyboard, unless it is defective, comes with a full complement of letters. Don't be afraid to use them. There is no reason to type 'u' instead of 'you', or indeed to use any abbreviation you learned in a chat room. There is no penalty for taking a few seconds longer to type complete words.

--------------------------------

2) Tips on Composition.

Paragraphs: Use these as your basic unit of composition. Each paragraph should be used to set forth a single idea. If a paragraph seems to long, it probably contains multiple ideas, and should be split up for clarity. If it seems too short, expand on the idea.

Sentences: A sentence should contain exactly one action or statement of existence. If it contains more than one, split it into two or more. If it contains less than one, finish the sentence. Run-on sentences are often confusing, while fragments make the reader feel that something is missing.

Description: Make sure that your reader can visualize what is happening. Don't just say something like "Joe walked along enjoying the scenery". This gives no indication of whether the scenery he is enjoying is a redwood forest, a beach at sunset, or the Grand Canyon.

A description is not just a list of attributes. When describing a character, don't just list their name, age, height, weight, hair colour, and current pokemon team. Bring this information out gradually when the person appears in a story.

Don't have Joe meet a trainer named Fred who is 12 years old, has green eyes and red hair, is three and a half feet tall, and whose pokemon are squirtle, pikachu, butterfree, grimer, tauros, and krabby. Have Joe see a short, red-haired kid with startlingly green eyes, and talk to him. Have names mentioned early in the conversation. The pokemon may be either revealed in a battle, or introduced individually during the conversation.

-------------------------------

3) Other General Advice

Plot: Try to be original. "Joe is 10 (or 11 or 12) years old and about to start his pokemon journey. He goes to Professor (insert tree here) and gets a (insert pokemon here)" has been done too many times already. "Joe is a 10-year-old from Pallet Town and about to start his pokemon journey. He accidentally sleeps in, and by the time he gets to Professor Oak's lab, all the starters have been taken, so he gets a Pikachu" is so old everyone is sick of it.

Try to be reasonable. A new trainer is not going to start with a legendary, or even rare, pokemon. The standard starter pokemon were selected for a reason: They are easy for professors to obtain whenever new trainers are about to start, they can be controlled by beginners, and with proper training, they can become quite powerful.

Likewise, it is extremely difficult, if not impossible, to catch any of the legendary pokemon. They are simply too powerful. If you have seen either of the movies, think about it. Mew or Mewtwo can deflect any attack you try with minimal effort.

Consider the scene in The Power of One where Ash's Pikachu (which has been known to defeat rock and ground types) meets Zapdos. Compare their relative power levels. Now think about how hard it would be to defeat Zapdos. This can be applied to any of the legendary pokemon. No trainer will have one unless it has a good reason to want to accompany that trainer.

Characters: Make your characters real. Give them strengths and weaknesses. Inherently superior trainers who win each battle effortlessly are boring. So are incompetent members of Team Rocket. So is the gym-leader-who-can't-stand-being-defeated. The stock "Rival" character is also getting old.

Whatever you do, don't just refer to people by labels from the GameBoy games (Rocket, Cooltrainer, Lass, Bug Catcher, etc). Remember that these are real people you are working with.

Spelling/Grammar: Write your story in a word-processing program. Use the spellchecker, but don't depend on it completely. It can tell whether your word matches the spelling of a real word, but it cannot tell whether it is the word you wanted to use.

Use grammar checkers with extreme care. They cannot actually understand what you are saying, and often make mistakes.

--------------------------------

4) My Personal Advice:

Note that the contents of this section reflect my personal preferences. Other good writers may disagree with me.

Battles: I generally dislike sentences of the form "(pokemon species) used (name of attack)". You are describing what the pokemon does. In a real-world battle, the pokemon would not "use Bite on" its opponent; it would "bite" its opponent. There are, however, exceptions to this. If there is no verb for the action, go ahead and say "Bulbasaur used Leech Seed". Still, try to avoid "used (name of attack)". Better options would be "fired a hyperbeam at (enemy)", "hit (enemy) with (attack)", etc.

Additionally; the GameBoy battle format makes no sense in the context of a real battle. A pokemon in a real battle would not just attack, then stand there waiting for its opponent to attack. In a real battle, you would have no time to go in and administer a potion or antidote to your pokemon. Watch the TV show for a reasonable depiction of what battles would be like.

GameBoy Terminology in general: Try to avoid it. In the real world, referring to something as "Level 17" is meaningless. Pokemon have varying levels of power and experience, but don't just summarize all of this with a single number. In the world of your fanfic, pokemon are real, living creatures. They are individuals. They have their own strengths, weaknesses, and skills.

The only thing worse than referring to "levels" is referring to "hit points", "power points", or any of the "statistics" (attack, defence, "special defence", etc). Avoid use of these terms at all costs.

-Original text by Murgatroyd

This is still rushed, flat and tacky, it's barely longer than the 'first chapter' and could easily have been 8 paragraphs At Least. Stop writing in the reply box and actually take advice for doves sake.

 

[stoopidmahn]

You know what Yami rui, i worked really hard on these chapters, and if your not gonna appreciate them, then dont read them! If I was such a bad author, then why was i told i was great by real ones? I know how to make a good story, just maybe its hard to start stories for me! If your so great, MAKE ME A BETTER STORY!

 

[Yami Ryu]

You know what Yami Ryu, i worked really hard on these chapters, and if your not gonna appreciate them, then dont read them!

If you don't want crit/help, then either say that or don't post ;/

If I was such a bad author, then why was i told i was great by real ones?

Real authors? Where? Oh, and I don't count even though I am a writer, because I am what, a girl? I'm not writing atm? I'm actually being mean?

I know how to make a good story, just maybe its hard to start stories for me!

Then why don't you take your time so the start is as good as the story :/

If you're so great, MAKE ME A BETTER STORY!

Why should I make your story better when it's yours and I am not your beta :/

 

[stoopidmahn]

i meant you write your own story... ok, fine ill take the time, and yes i do want critics, its just that lately ive been kinda busy and i really didn't take the time to write... and real authors at a creative writers convention...

 

[Ash_Junior]

whoa, whoa, time out, guys. Time out.

first of all, er....stoopidmahn (I wanted to shorten it up, but didn't really want to say "First of all, stoopid" ), don't get offended by Yami. His reviews are rather unpleasant oft times, but he means well.

Or at least I hope he does

Second, this is YOUR fic. that means that nobody writes it FOR you. Beta read it, sure. Write it, no. that's your job.

Thirdly, you need to start a new paragaph each time a new person starts talking, so:

A pitch black room. All that could be heard was a small eerie voice.
“Gray…. Wake up… You’re going to be late for school…” It seemed to sound like a female voice.

“GAH!” A thirteen year old boy jumped out of his small bed. His purple eyes gazed around his tiny light blue room. Posters of Growlithe, Psyduck, and Lotad. Growlithe looked like a little orange puppy with black stripes, and a tan- colored mane. Psyduck was a small yellow duck, with a confused look on its face. Lotad was a blue blob with a giant green dish on its back. These were the starter Pokemon of the Rainbow League.

A tall lady with dark hair and a pink dress on walked up the stairs into the room. “Gray, get up! You’re going to be late for school again! You still have to walk all the way to Narka city!”

Gray, the boy, stroked his light hands through his thick brown hair. “Well then, can you leave so I can get dressed?” He asked politly. And the lady left.

It had been five minutes until Gray came down the stairs into the brown living room. He wore an orange and black shirt and bandana, a pair of gray pants, red shoes, and gray gloves.

He quickly rushed out the green door and out into the town outside. Gray’s mom, the lady with dark hair, waved to him.

Gray rushed passed grass and small houses on the way out of the small Akana town. The sky was a light blue, and you could see the bright sun over the tops of the trees that surrounded this place. Gray rushed down the rocky path, until he got to a large gate with a computer beside it.

“PLEASE SWIPE ID,” It said. Gray reached into his pocket and pulled out a little white card with a black and white barcode on it. He swiped it, and there was a beep. “NOT OLD ENOUGH TO TRAVEL ROUTE 1 ALONE. ESCORT REQUIRED.”

Gray yelled. “Suzy, come on? Where are you?”

Soon a teenage girl with red hair came running down the path. “Sorry I’m late Gray! I know you’re late too!” She yelled.

“Come on Suzy, let’s go!” Gray hastly said. Suzy wore a maids outfit, but she was not maid. She was the escort for under-age kids who needed to get to school in Narka City. So the two ran down the forest on the rocky path.

Gray and Suzy finally reached the huge Narka city. Cars filled the street, and people filled the sidewalks. “BYE SUZY!” Gray yelled as he left Suzy at the forest’s edge. Suzy waved goodbye.

Gray ran down the sidewalk, and he passed by the world biggest Seviper. Hundreds of people stood at the gate watching it. Seviper was a long black and purple snake-like creature, with fangs and a super long tongue. About five minutes past, and Gray finally made it to a large brown building. This was Gray’s school, Poke Jr. high. Gray burst through the door and ran down the hall into class.

When Gray finally got to his class, his teacher Mr. Gorgan was reading a book. Gray quickly snuck to his desk at the back of the small classroom. The kid beside him had a blue and white hat and vest on. He also wore a purple backpack.

“Jeeze Gray, that was a close one!” Gary turned his head.

“Yeah, I know Cole! You don’t have to rub it in!” He yelled.

Mr. Gorgan quickly spun around. “NO TALKING IN CLASS! DETENTION’S FOR BOTH OF YOU!” He yelled.

Gray and Cole sighed. “Well, at least we become pokemon trainers tomorrow.” Cole said.

“Yeah…” Gray agreed.

What are pokemon and pokemon trainers? Well, Pokemon are mystical creatures that cover the pokemon world. There are over four hunred known species. People can catch pokemon and use them in battle. They are called pokemon trainers.

When you turn a certain age, you qualify to become a pokemon trainer. You get a pokedex, and poketech/pokegear/pokenav, and a starter pokemon. Starter pokemon are usually rare. Trainers capture pokemon using pokeballs, and the pokemon stay there until they are called upon. Some pokemon are so rare, there’s only one of them in the entire world! But not all trainers are good. Some people use pokemon for evil, like Team Rocket, or Team Shadow.

Not all people have to be pokemon trainers though, you can be a coordinator, somebody who competes in pokemon contests, a breeder, you breed pokemon, or a certain type trainer. When you’re a trainer, you use your pokemon to battle really good trainers, called gym leaders.

When you beat a gym leader you get a gym badge. When you collect enough gym badges you qualify for a pokemon league. A pokemon league is the hardest place to win in. You have to battle the elite four, and then the champion. These are the best trainers around and most people loose against them.

Ted walked into a dark room. A voice came out of the shadows. “So, where is the Aipom?” It said.

Ted held his head down. “The mission was a failure, Sir.”

“And what about you, Suzy, did you find the Munchlax?”

Suzy walked into the room. She was wearing a dark suit and sunglasses. “No Sir, but this kid, there’s something about him. Something special.”

“Fine. Your failures have led me to one choice, I’m demoting you. You shall follow this kid, and see what happens.” The voice said sharply.

“Both of us?” Ted gasped.

“Yes. Both of you. AND DON”T MESS UP AGAIN!” The voice yelled. So Ted and Suzy left the room.

there we go, all separated into paragraphs. Yes, I separated some of your paragrahs that had no talking--that's because paragraphs are meant to convey a complete thought.

for xample, the paragraph that you had for all the Pokemon training stuff should have been separated into three--one that explained the basics, another that explained that there were other types of Pokemon users besides trainers (btw, you forgot Rangers), and the third that described what happend in Pokemon gyms.

See? they all focused on something. a good idea is if you have a great big chunk of text that's like half a page long, take a look at the first part, and figure out what it's talking aout it. separate the rest of the stuff from that section, and then continue in the rest of the section, until you've gotten through all of it.

Now, description. You did MUCH better describing this time, thank you. Not many beginning writers do add in as much description as you did. Now, you need to work on fitting it into your stories smoothly and making it seem natural, instead of something awkward like, well...

A tall lady with dark hair and a pink dress on walked up the stairs into the room. “Gray, get up! You’re going to be late for school again! You still have to walk all the way to Narka city!”

that is just awkward, but if you weave what she looks like into the narrative, you might get something like this.

Gray heard footsteps coming up the stairs, and he groaned. His mother was coming up. He turned over, and pulled his covers tighter around him. Maybe if he faked it just a little bit longer, he'd be able to stay home from school. "Gray, get up!" he heard his mother call out.

He knew that tone of voice. It meant that she wasn't messing around anymore. He sighed and rolled back over, sitting up in bed just in time to see his raven-haired mother swoop into the room, her favorite pink dress making it seem like she weren't walking, and were instead somehow hovering over the ground.

His mother towered over him as she put her fists on her hips in a posture that Gray had learned meant that play time had been over for a long time. "You're going to be late for school again, young man! That's the third time this month! And you still need to walk all the way to Narka City!"

see?

I'll check back next chapter to see how you're doing.

 

[stoopidmahn]

ok, thanks! Im going to re-write my first chapter, longer, more descriptive, and better!

 

[Ash_Junior]

all right, that's always good. i lost count of the rewrites I did on one of my fics before I finally finished it, lol....rewriting is almost always good.

 

[stoopidmahn]

ok, here's NEW chapter 1, part 1 (I just wanted to know if it's better)


Chapter 1: The Last Aipom

Deep in the frosty white forests of Raintopolis, a Pokemon League not far from Kanto lays a lost Pokemon city. Humans no longer roam this land, but Pokemon still do. Well, they did, until the shadows came. Humans wearing dark clothing stormed the sacred city, and killed off almost every Pokemon, only one remained.

Aipom was the only survivor of the Sacred City. From his purple ears, down to the giant hand shape on it’s tail, it was in ship-shape. He sat under a large oak tree, tears falling down his tan cheeks. He screamed into the skies above, for the lost pokemon of his old home. The tears started raining down from his eyes, and he started pounding the ground with his tiny purple fists.

A growl came from a group of green bushes nearby. Two red lights appeared through a group of leaves. Aipom curiously went to check on the lights. He walked towards the bushes, and then all was dark.

Hours passed, and the light came back. But this was not where Aipom was before; he was now on the back of a pickup truck. A tall man wearing a black and red suit and sunglasses stood before him.

“Ha ha, I’ve got you know Aipom! Soon the master’s plan will be complete!” He laughed.

Aipom was in a small metal cage, and a dog-like creature started at him from the truck’s cab. Then, Aipom saw it, the hole in the cage. He stared at the tiny hole; it was much too small for him to crawl through. Aipom closed his eyes, his long tail went up in the air, and he spun around, the hand on his tail smashing open the cage. Aipom leapt for freedom.

The man in the dark suit turned around when he heard a smashing noise, and he saw Aipom get away. He grabbed the handle of the door, and sped out, his black dog not far behind him.

“Houndour, get that Aipom!” He yelled as he pointed his finger at the tiny monkey like creature.

Houndour’s long legs swept off the ground as it ran at incredible speeds at Aipom. It bent it’s head down, and charged full force at Aipom. He jumped onto a tree, just in the nick of time. Houndour kept on charging, a smashed his head into the tree. Houndour growled, and chased after Aipom from the ground.

Aipom was getting tired; it’s breath was running low. He put his arm on the side of a tree and stopped for just a second, but that was long enough for Houndour to jump up and tackle Aipom. The force of the hit pushed Aipom off the tree, and he fell into a group of thorny bushes underneath. He got up, brushed the spikes off his fur, and ran for it’s life.

The man followed Houndour and Aipom on the nearby road in his black truck. He let out a sigh, and pulled out a red and white ball from his jacket pocket.

“Fearow, give Houndour a hand.” He said with no enthusiasm as he tossed the ball.

The ball opened up in mid air, and a flash of red light revealed a brown bird with a red tuft of feathers on the tip of it’s head. The ball returned to the man’s hand, and the bird took to the skies.

Fearow, the bird, could see the purple monkey leaping from tree to tree. It was almost in a small town nearby, just a few metres away. Just before Aipom reached the town, Fearow charged and knocked Aipom out of the air. He was sent flying, right through the window of a large yellow building nearby.

 

[Willow's Tara]

If you don't want crit/help, then either say that or don't post ;/



Real authors? Where? Oh, and I don't count even though I am a writer, because I am what, a girl? I'm not writing atm? I'm actually being mean?



Then why don't you take your time so the start is as good as the story :/



Why should I make your story better when it's yours and I am not your beta :/

Hey Yami, I know this is offtopic, but what does atm mean? (I know one meaning means An Atm bank thingie but I don't think that what you mean), just wondering because someone else said this to m, well not to me but I saw them talking about me and they used that word atm.

 

[Ash_Junior]

...

...

/standing ovation

that is MUCH better. at least three times as more interesting to read. it gives us more of a feel for everything that's going on, and did you notice that the description you put in there sets the mood for the entire scene?

a couple things:

From his purple ears, down to the giant hand shape on it’s tail, it was in ship-shape.

that's awkward to read, the "giant hand shape" thing. it IS a fully operational hand, right? just drop the word "shape" off the end, nd it would read a lot better.

Ha ha, I’ve got you know Aipom!

should be

Ha ha, I’ve got you now Aipom!

A growl came from a group of green bushes nearby. Two red lights appeared through a group of leaves. Aipom curiously went to check on the lights. He walked towards the bushes, and then all was dark.

no offense but....how stupid is that Aipom? It heard a growl from that direction, two things that would look a lot like eyes appear, and it still investigates?



there are a few more things I could address, but I'll wait to see how you do on the next chapter to address those--keep up the good work.

EDIT: and

Aipom was in a small metal cage, and a dog-like creature started at him from the truck’s cab.

to say that something starts in this context is to say that it jumps like it is surprised...I'm sure you mean

Aipom was in a small metal cage, and a dog-like creature stared at him from the truck’s cab.

EDIT2:

for more help, check this out:

http://geocities.com/higherpokemonguide/

it's by a really good author, Tezza (also known as Topaz)...she KNOWS what she's talkign about.

 

[stoopidmahn]

the aipom is supposed to be stupid... lol

 

[Ash_Junior]

I gathered that, tht was more of a snickering comment than a comment to be taken as a means for improvement

the internet sucks when it comes to stuff like that, lol...

 

[Divinity_123]

It's okay so far. So it's a league started by Red huh? Sounds interesting. Definately need to space your fic dude. Otherwise, good luck. I'll be reviewing,