Pokemon Jewel!

[9Tales]

Pokemon Jewel!​

The sun arose on Littleroot Town one morning, giving off a beautiful golden shine. To you and me, this would have been just any other day. But to Trent, it was the day he'd prove himself to everyone that he had what it took to make Littleroot proud of him. Today was his tenth birthday, the day he would officially become a Pokemon Trainer.
After waking up, Trent put on a reddish polo shirt, dusty gray jeans, sneakers, and, as a final touch, a maroon bandana over his black hair. He pulled his brown backpack out of his closet and put it on. Only one word could describe this look, and Trent in general: Cool. As of today, Trent would prove that he could take care of himself. All his life he'd always been looked after by his parents, and now he could prove that he was big enough to make his way in the world. That was what being a Trainer was all about, right?
Trent ran downstairs and had his hand on the doorknob when he heard his mother's voice from the kitchen.
"Finally up, are you?"
"What do you mean 'finally'?" Trent asked, poking his head into the kitchen.
His father was sitting at the table reading the newspaper, and his mother was washing dishes in the sink.
"You slept through breakfast," his mother told him. "You must have been up late last night thinking about today."
"I was!" Trent struck a pose as if he were holding a Pokeball out in his right hand. "Today is the day I become an independent. No more being a little kid for me!"
"So, shall I make some breakfast for you, or..."
"No time, Mom. Gotta get to Birch's place before all the good Pokemon are taken!"
And Trent was off and out the door.
Magi was standing outside her house leaning against the tree in her front yard. She had golden blond hair that was tied in two short pigtails and she wore a pale pea-green shirt and brownish-red pants and pale yellow sneakers and had a pink backpack in which she held her clothes and other essentials for her Pokemon journey. Her brown eyes focused on the sky above her as she relaxed.
"Make way! Independent Pokemon Trainer coming through!"
Magi's previously cheerful look soured. "Oh great, it's Mr. Big Head." She casually stuck out her right foot and Trent fell face first sprawled out on the ground.
Trent jumped back up and glowered at Magi, a fist raised. "What'd ya do that for!?"
"You were gonna trip over something one way or the other," Magi told him in a casual manner. "Either it was gonna be my foot or your ego, kid."
"Don't call me a kid!" Trent said indignantly. "As of today, I'm an independent Pokemon Trainer! And besides, you're the same age as I am."
Magi went nose to nose with Trent, "Only by four hours!"
"So what?" Trent challenged. Then a thought occurred to him. "Hey, have you been to Professor Birch's already?"
"Do you think I'd be here if I had?" Magi asked him. "I was just spending the last few minutes with my mother." Her look of annoyance changed to one of smug amusement. "I'm guessing you overslept, right?"
Trent blushed in embarrassment. "I...well...uh....What of it!?"
The smirk widened. "Your lucky Victor was the only other kid in town to become a trainer last week. But let's not forget, other people from nearby towns tend to come here for their first Pokemon, too. There might not be anymore Pokemon left for either of us..."
A look of horror came over Trent's face. If that's true, who knows how long it will take for Professor Birch to get new Pokemon to give out to new Trainers! He took off so fast he raised some dust up, causing Magi to cough.
"Hey!" she cried out before taking off after him. "I was just kidding!"
Professor Birch lived on the edge of town in a large building which he used as his lab to examine all sorts of Pokemon previous Trainers had sent to him. He was considered one of the head experts on Pokemon in the Hoenn Region and held in very high esteem by the community. Some of the kids who were too young to officially become trainers also knew about him and had often seen him out in the fields and forests around town doing work and interacting with the Pokemon that lived their. To them, he was like an uncle they didn't have.
Trent burst through the front doors of the lab. "I'm here for my Pokemon, please!" Trent panted, having to double over from having run so fast while the Pokemon Professor stood at a table with a tongue depressor and an Oddish sitting on the table.
"You must be Trent," Birch said. "I was just giving one of the local Oddish a check up, but I'll be more than glad to let you choose your first Pokemon." He crossed the room to a desk and opened a drawer, taking out a Pokeball just as Magi entered the lab as well.
"Man you're fast, Trent," Magi huffed, her hands on her knees.
Birch approached Trent with a Pokeball. "You're in luck, this is the last Pokemon I have. The other two were taken a month and a week ago."
Magi looked at the bearded man in shock.
Ignoring her, Trent took the Pokeball. "No matter what it is, I'll be happy with it." He threw the Pokeball upward. "Come on out!"
Out of the Pokeball came a small, blue four-legged Pokemon. It had a fin on its head shaped much like the tongue depressor, three small orange spikes on each cheek, and a pale blue tail fin. The Pokemon blinked up at Trent. "Mudkip!"
"Its name is Mudkip," Birch told Trent, "and it's a Water-type."
"It's cute," Trent said. He bent down and picked up Mudkip around the middle. "Mudkip, my name is Trent, and as of today, you and I are a team!"
"Mudkip!" Mudkip wagged its tail fin and smiled.
It was then that Birch seemed to notice Magi, who was looking with envy at Trent and Mudkip. "And who is this?"
"I'm Magi, and it's my tenth birthday as well," Magi told him. "B-but...if Mudkip really is your last Pokemon....I guess..."
Trent looked at Magi. "That's right. Sorry, Mag." And he truly looked it.
Professor Birch, however, seemed to be thinking. "I do have three other Pokeballs you could choose from."
Magi clasped her hands together hopefully. "Really!?"
Birch nodded. "Come this way." He walked back over to the desk with Magi following him and he pulled out three other Pokeballs, putting them each on the desk in front of her. "They were imported from the Johto Region the other day. A colleague of mine also gives trainers their first Pokemon. Feel free to choose whichever you want."
Magi chose the one on the far left. "Come out."
The Pokeball opened and the Pokemon that emerged was small and four-legged like Mudkip. But it was much different. It looked like a cross between a small dinosaur and a pear with a "necklace" of sorts around its neck, a large leaf on its oval-shaped head, and big red eyes.
"Chika!"
Trent blinked at the little Pokemon in front of them. "Who's that Pokemon?"
"My colleague told me it's a Grass-type called Chikorita," Birch answered.
Magi and Chikorita looked at each other for five minutes.
"It's....it's....sooooooooooooo cuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuute!" Magi squealed as only a girl could and got on her knees. "Come here and give me a hug, you darling little thing!"
"Chika!" Chikorita ran over on its four stubby little legs and placed its forelegs against Magi in as best a hug as it could manage, the leaf on its head wagging back and forth.
"You're even cuter than Mudkip!" Magi told her new Pokemon.
Trent looked at Mudkip, then Chikorita. "It's not that cute," Trent said dryly.
Birch approached the two new trainers with two devices that looked much like a cellphone. They were red in color.
"You'll need these," he said, handing them to the new trainers. "They're called Pokedexes, and they'll give you information on any Pokemon you encounter. Also," he gave six Pokeballs to Trent and Magi.
"Thank you," Trent and Magi both said.
After leaving the lab, Trent walked along the forest that led to Route 101 with Mudkip in its Pokeball. He wasn't into the forest for more than twelve feet than he felt he was being followed. Trent turned around. "What are you doing?"
Magi had been following him.
"I'm walking. That's not a crime, is it?" she asked.
"You're following me," Trent said accusingly.
"Don't be ridiculous," Magi said. "Why would I follow you? This just happens to be the only way out of Littleroot."
"Well, why not keep your distance?" Trent asked.
Magi smirked. "Nice attitude. I hope Mudkip doesn't take after you."
"What's that supposed to mean!?" asked Trent angrily. "Just worry about your own Pokemon and not about mine!"
"Hoothoot!"
"Pooch, Pooch!"
Trent looked over his shoulder and Magi followed his gaze. On the path in front of him were four Pokemon.
Three of them looked like gray wolf cubs with black feet and muzzles. They had red noses and yellow eyes with red irises. Two teeth stuck out on either side of their mouths, and the hair near the tail was bristled.
The fourth was a small Pokemon with a rounded body covered in brown and beige feathers on its stomach. It had a small pale-pink beak and stood on a single four-toed foot. Its eyes were wide and red and it had black feathers about them. Theses feathers seemed attached to a crest that looked like the hands of a clock.
Trent took out his Pokedex and pointed it at these creatures.
"Poochyena," the recorded voice stated. "Using its sharp teeth, this Pokemon will gang up on any intruders in its territory and bite them until the intruder has been driven off." It went on to the next Pokemon. "Hoothoot, an Owl Pokemon that normally sleeps during the day. It often stands on a single foot while hiding the other in its feathers."
"If it sleeps during the day, why is it awake now?" Trent wondered aloud.
"Maybe our fighting disturbed Hoothoot and the Poochyena," Magi nervously suggested.
Hoothoot and the three Poochyena leered unpleasantly at Trent and Magi.
"Trent, they're going to attack!" Magi cried out.
"Let them," Trent said. "Mudkip, go!" He threw the Pokeball and Mudkip appeared in a flash of light. "Mudkip, use Water Gun!"
Mudkip opened its mouth and unleashed a blast of water.
Hoothoot flew upward and two of the Poochyena jumped aside, but the one that had been standing behind Hoothoot had been hit. The other two Poochyena lunged at Mudkip.
"Chikorita, help out Mudkip!" Magi threw her Pokeball and Chikorita appeared. Two vines appeared from the row of green buds on its neck. One vine slapped one Poochyena across the face and another across the forehead.
"Nice Vine Whip!" Magi said to Chikorita.
"Hey, this is a battle between Mudkip and me and Hoothoot and the Poochyena!" Trent told Magi as he and Mudkip looked over their shoulders. "We can take them!"
"You gotta be joking!" Magi told him. "There's four of them and just two of you!"
"Those are odds I can handle!" Trent answered.
Mudkip nodded. "Mud!"
The Poochyena that had been struck sprang at Mudkip and bit it on the fin on its head, forcing Mudkip down and placing a paw on its back. This would make using Water Gun difficult for Mudkip.
Trent cried out, "Mudkip!"
"Chikorita, use Vine Whip and get Poochyena off Mudkip!" Magi ordered.
Chikorita complied and struck Poochyena between the eyes with a single vine, then out shot another and it used both vines, chasing after Poochyena as it ran from battle. It didn't see the Hoothoot was flying above it.
Hoothoot dove it, both clawed feet now visible, and it looked ready to use its claws for an attack. But before it could, Mudkip's Water Gun struck it from behind and launched it into a nearby tree. The owl-like Pokemon fell to the ground dazedly.
"Nice work, Mudkip!" Trent told his Pokemon. "Now to make sure that Hoothoot doesn't cause anymore trouble for us." He threw a Pokeball.
The Pokeball struck Hoothoot on the back and Hoothoot was sucked into it in a red light. For a few minutes the Pokeball wriggled, then opened and flew back into Trent's hand. "No good, its still strong enough to fight back."
"Trent, look out!" Magi cried.
The two Poochyena that had stayed behind had tackled Mudkip as the first one hand down, forcing it to lay down on its belly. One had it by the fin on its head, and the other had it by the tail fin.
Hoothoot shook itself, then flew on its stubby wings at Mudkip.
"No, Mudkip!" Trent ran to his Pokemon. "Get off of it!" He shouted at the Poochyena.
"Chikorita, get them off Mudkip!" Magi cried out.
"Chika!" Chikorita slammed into the Poochyena that had hold on Mudkip's head fin, then tackled the one that had its tail before using Vine Whip to drive them both away.
Hoothoot was now engulfed by white streaks starting from its beak.
Trent, who had often watched battles on TV, recognized it as Aerial Ace, a Flying-type move that could do a lot of damage to Chikorita if it it. And Chikorita and Magi had their backs to Hoothoot, chasing off the two Poochyena that had fled in the opposite direction. "Look out!"
Chikorita and Magi turned.
Suddenly Mudkip cried out loudly, causing Hoothoot to call off its attack.
Trent looked at Mudkip. It must have used Growl. He turned to Magi. "You okay?"
"Yeah," she nodded dumbly before turning her eyes on Hoothoot. "Trying a sneak attack, huh?" Magi said angrily. Chikorita looked angry, too.
"I think we need to teach it a lesson," Trent commented. "What do you think, Mudkip?"
"Mud-kip!" Mudkip nodded in agreement.
"Hoothoot!" The Flying Pokemon looked nervous and fluttered its wings frantically.
"Vine Whip!" Magi ordered.
The vines grabbed Hoothoot, trapping its feet. Chikorita then began to swing Hoothoot around in circles, causing it to become dizzy. Chikorita then released its hold on Hoothoot, sending it flying to Mudkip.
"Now, Tackle, Mudkip!" Trent called out.
Mudkip tackled Hoothoot in the front, sending it crashing backwards into a tree.
"Now...." Trent took out the same Pokeball he had used before. "Go!"
The Pokeball hit Hoothoot and it was sucked inside in a red light. It fell to the ground and wriggled a few times, the button that was on the front flashing red now and then. Finally, the button ceased flashing. Hoothoot was caught.
Trent walked over and picked up the Pokeball. "And now I have my second Pokemon!"
"Congratulations, Trent," Magi said.
"Thanks," he returned. "And...thanks...for helping Mudkip."
"Welcome," said Magi.
Trent looked toward the path ahead of them. "Ya know....maybe....it wouldn't be such a bad idea if we traveled together...to watch each other's back."
Magi looked at Trent for a minute or two, then smirked. "Sure. Why not? Besides, you need someone to keep you in line and out of trouble."
Trent swung his face around to her. "Excuse me!? What's that supposed to mean!?"
"Just what it sounds like," Magi teased before running ahead of him, Chikorita in toe.
Trent ran after her with Mudkip. "Get back here! I'm still an independent Pokemon Trainer, ya know!"
"Yeah, yeah, whatever!" Magi laughed.

 

[IJuggler]

I read maybe the first third of it, and I'm sorry, but I shan't read more until the formatting is easier on the eyes. It's best to hit enter twice after you've finished a paragraph/someone starts a new sentence, because that's easier to read then a big block, and it's become the standard here by now.

Your story started off with a very cliche Original Trainer start, except there was less description. You listed off the two important character's clothes, and then proceeded to ignore adjectives. Either add more description, or maybe even write a different beginning to the story.

Lastly...Magi? Really?

 

[9Tales]

((Okay, hopefully this meets more favorable reviews.))

The Oldale Ghost!​

After a few hours of walking, the middle of the afternoon greeted the two new trainers to the sight of the first town they'd seen since their journey began. It was a quaint little place and nothing was too impressive about it. Mostly it was a suburban town with rows of houses on either side of the modest road they stood upon and the sound of birds calling to each other in the trees could be heard clearly in the noonday atmosphere. This all made it feel somewhat similar to Littleroot to Trent and Magi.
Magi took out a map from her backpack and unfolded it. "It says here this place is called Oldale Town," she told Trent. "There's supposed to be a Pokemon Center in the middle of the town. Since our Pokemon could probably use as much a rest as we do, we should probably go there for a while."
"But Pokemon travel in Pokeballs," Trent commented. "How could they be tired?"
Magi rolled her eyes. "They might be hungry, and the Pokemon Center may have food of them."
Trent turned his face away, realizing how he had missed the obvious answer to that question. "Oh....Right....Okay, let's go."
The Pokemon Center was a medium-sized white building that stood in the middle of town. It had a red shingled ceiling with a sign in the shape and color of a Pokeball on the front with two windows on either side of it above a glass door. Upon entering through the door, Trent and Magi saw that the inside had a vanilla-yellow tiled floor and matching wall, though in the middle of the floor was the same red-and-white pattern and shape of a Pokeball as well. An escalator was on the right side that led to the second floor. On the left of the Pokemon Center was a row of ten PCs travelers could use to call home if they wished. Further down were a row of couches around a wide TV set, and next to one of the couches was a soda machine. The couches were set in a particular manner; one was set in front of the TV while the two others were set on either side. There were other places to sit, but it seemed that the local kids and Trent and Magi were the only people in the Pokemon Center, aside from the pink-haired woman in the lavender dress behind the main desk, which also had the red top and white bottom of a Pokeball.
Magi approached the woman. "Excuse me, are you in charge of this place?"
"I am," the woman replied in a cheery voice. "How may I help you?"
"We've been walking for a few hours," Magi replied, "and were hoping maybe you could take care of our Pokemon for a while."
"Certainly," smiled the woman. She set what looked like two egg cartons on the desk. "Just put your Pokeballs in these, please."
After depositing his two Pokeballs, Trent walked over to the TV. It looked like a battle was going on.
On the far left was a young-looking man with light teal-hair. He wore what could have been mistaken for a normal black suit with matching pants and shoes, but the camera revealed he had what looked like large plastic rings on his arms and the front of his suit had purple wave-like designs going downward. It also seemed he wore rings on the first and third fingers of his left hand.
The Pokemon this man had was an ashy-teal in color and looked like a roundish saucer-like robotic Pokemon with four spider-like legs and a steely x on the front of its face. Two beady red eyes leered out from under the top of the x.
At the far right of the field stood a middle-aged woman with her blond hair tied back in short pigtails. She wore a plumb dress over what was apparently a ruffled white shirt, the color almost hiding her neck.
Her Pokemon looked nothing more than a giant head covered in what appeared to be ice. It had a toothy mouth, intimidatingly icy-blue eyes, and a pair of black, horn-like ears.
"Metagross," the man called to his Pokemon, "attack Glalie with Meteor Mash!"
The Pokemon literally seemed to fly over the rocky field with its right forelimb outlined in orange light.
Now it was the woman's turn to give orders. "Glalie! Set Metagross off course with Ice Beam!"
Glalie's "teeth" seemed to slide upward in a robotic manner and a white sphere appeared in its mouth. It then began to fire two streams of this energy at Metagross.
Metagross swerved the attack left and right as it kept coming.
"Dodge it and use Shadow Ball!" The woman ordered.
Glalie dodged just at the moment when Metagross struck at the place where its target had been. Now a fall of darkness filled its mouth.
"Metagross, you use Shadow Ball, too!" Its Trainer told it.
Magi, who had been having a soda, had also been watching the battle with mild interest. "Just who are those two?"
Trent looked at her as if she had asked the most humiliating question in the world. "That just happens to be the Hoenn League Champion Steven battling Elite Four member Glacia!" He shouted, indignant at Magi's apparent ignorance. "Every Trainer who enters the Pokemon League dreams of having a battle against either the Champion or member of The Elite Four!!!"
Magi eyed him in a clueless manner. "So....they're tough?"
"THE TOUGHEST OF THE TOUGH!" Trent told her loudly. "THE STRONGEST OF THE STRONG! And one day I'm going to challenge them all, The Elite Four, and Champion Steven!"
A girl, at least a year older than any of the other kids there, looked at Trent. "So you're a trainer?" She asked. She had short, pale teal hair which matched her eyes and the frame of the glasses that perched on her nose perfectly. The girl also wore a blue, ruffled tied top and deep blue pants which seemed to hide the tops of her blue-and-white shoes.
Trent looked at her for a moment, then puffed himself up importantly. "Yup! Just came from Littleroot Town!"
Magi rolled her eyes, then saw that the nurse had put the cartons with their Pokeballs on the desk, suggesting that their Pokemon had been fed. She left Trent to brag to this girl. If he made a fool of himself, it wasn't her business.
The girl stood up and walked between the space between the couches. "I'm Rina," she told him. "What say we have a practice battle in the Trainer Room upstairs?"
Trent smirked. "Sure."
The Trainer Room looked like any arena Trent had seen before in TV Pokemon Matches: It had a dirt floor with a chalk outline and Pokeball pattern in the center, and two rows of stands on either side. Lights shone down from the ceiling.
Trent stood on the left side of the field while Rina stood on the right.
Magi sat in the stands on the left side of the field.
Taking his Pokeball in his hand, Trent felt confident. "Let's go, Mudkip!"
Mudkip appeared in a flash of light.
Rina smirked. "Cute." She took out a Pokeball, but unlike the ones Trent and Magi had, it seemed to have an ocean-blue top with a net-pattern. "But not as cute as you," Rina told her unreleased Pokemon before hurling the Pokeball.
When the light faded after the Pokeball opened, a small Pokemon stood before Rina. It had a blackish-blue rounded body, wide saucer-like eyes, tiny pinkish-red lips above a white belly, oval-shaped feet, and a paddle-like tail. The most noticeable trait, though, was the swirl on the stomach.
Interested, Magi took out her Pokedex. "Poliwag, a Tadpole Pokemon. Though awkward on land, it is agile in the water. The swirl on its stomach changes direction after it evolves."
Trent wasn't that impressed. "Mudkip, let's go for a Tackle Attack!"
"Mudkip!" The little blue Pokemon ran across the field at Poliwag.
"Meet it head on with Body Slam, Poliwag!" Rina told her Pokemon.
"Poli!" Poliwag slammed into Mudkip with greater force than Mudkip had.
"Now," Rina called, "Double Slap!"
Poliwag proceeded to "slap" Mudkip on both cheeks with its feet, then turned and slapped even more with its broad tail.
Mudkip was being dominated completely.
Trent was off guard for only a minute, then he shook himself. "Mudkip, Water Gun!"
The Water Gun hit Poliwag from behind, sending it flying towards its Trainer's side of the field.
"Use your Water Gun, too!" Instructed Rina.
Poliwag used its own Water Gun, cushioning its fall.
"Tackle it!" Trent called to Mudkip.
Being obedient, Mudkip once again ran at Poliwag.
"I don't think so." Rina pumped a fist forward as Poliwag began to descend via Water Gun. "Throw your weight around with another Body Slam!"
As soon as its feet touched the field, Poliwag jumped backward, slamming harshly into Mudkip.
"Mudkip!" Mudkip was sent rolling to Trent's feet.
Trent knelt down, scooping Mudkip into his arms. "Mudkip, you okay!?"
It didn't look okay. Mudkip also didn't look like it could battle anymore.
After recalling it to its Pokeball, Trent sent out Hoothoot, which fluttered two feet overhead in front of him. "Let's see Body Slam work now!"
Rina smirked. "Doesn't have to. Poliwag, Ice Beam!"
"WHAT!?" Trent couldn't believe what he had just heard.
Poliwag began to fire the Ice Beam at Hoothoot that Glalie had attempted on Metagross.
Hoothoot dodged the attack swifty, then leered at Poliwag. It proceeded to dive bomb Poliwag repeatedly, causing Poliwag to become visibly anxious as it dodged the attacks.
"It's fast," Rina noted with a touch of annoyance.
Trent laughed once. "Now, Hoothoot, Aerial Ace!"
Hoothoot locked eyes with Poliwag, then dived, the white aura beginning to appear.
Now Rina laughed in her throat, seeing Poliwag and Hoothoot had faced each other. "Poliwag, Hypnosis!"
The swirl on Poliwag's belly and its eyes glowed with a ghostly-blue light.
"Hoo!?" Hoothoot's eyes flashed the same color, then its eyelids drooped. The white aura of Aerial Ace began to fade, and Hoothoot was losing speed. As it had been twelve feet from Poliwag, Hoothoot fell softly onto the ground before its opponent, fast asleep.
It took Trent ten seconds to realize he had lost. Sinking to his knees, he recalled Hoothoot.
After Trent had received his Pokeballs once again from the nurse, he sat on the middle couch in front of the TV with Mudkip and Hoothoot standing before him.
Magi sat on the right couch with Chikorita in her lap. "Don't worry about it, Trent," she said, attempting to cheer him up. "I mean, we're just starting out. You can't expect to beat 'em all."
Chikorita jumped from Magi's lap and walked over to Mudkip, putting one of her vines on its back comfortingly. It nodded in a big sisterly manner with what Magi had said.
Through the door, the sign of the setting sun could be seen. The kids that had been in the Pokemon Center previously had gone home, and before leaving, Rina had said she and Poliwag would be enjoying the nearby woods before going home.
"I know," Trent said sulkily, "but I can't stand that Mudkip was beaten by another Water-type. I mean, I'm supposed to make it all the way to the Hoenn League. How am I supposed to get that far if I get beat so badly in one battle?"
"Well, Trent," Magi told him, "it's like the old saying goes, 'it's not whether you win or lose, but how you play the game'."
"Chika!" Chikorita nodded.
Mudkip wagged its tail fin and Hoothoot flapped its stubby wings.
Despite himself, Trent smiled. "Okay, you win."
Just then the door opened and Rina came running in. She was breathing heavily as if she'd been running a long distance.
"Rina!" Magi got up and went over to her, helping the other girl to the couches. "Rina, what's wrong?"
"Poli-Poli-Poli-..." Rina panted.
"Poliwag?" Magi asked. "Did something happen to Poliwag!?"
Rina nodded. "It....It got Poliwag...."
Magi helped her onto her couch, and Trent joined them. Mudkip, Hoothoot and Chikorita gathered around their feet.
"What got Poliwag?" Trent asked.
"You wouldn't believe me if I told you," Rina replied. "I'm not even sure I believe it."
"Tell me!" Trent's voice was strong.
Hoothoot jumped up and down on its foot, flapping its wings and hooting while Mudkip looked at Rina imploringly.
Rina looked at Trent and his Pokemon before she answered. "A....a....Dusknoir...."
"A Dusknoir!?" Magi twitched uncomfortably.
Trent looked at her. "What's wrong?"
Magi looked a bit pale. "I-I've heard....stories about Dusknoir. It's a Ghost Pokemon that....is said to.....take people....to the...Netherworld...." She shook visibly, and Chikorita shook as well.
"So?" Trent stood up. "Poliwag is Rina's Pokemon. Dusknoir had no right in taking it!"
"But what do you intend to do?" Magi asked. "You don't have any Pokemon that can battle Ghost Pokemon."
"So?" Repeated Trent. "No one has the right to take a Pokemon away from its Trainer. Not even if it's another Pokemon." He looked at Rina. "We're gonna get Poliwag back for you. Just show us where you were."
Rina led them to the middle of the local forest. with Mudkip walking next to Trent and Hoothoot riding his head while Magi held Chikorita in her arms. It was had a creepy atmosphere with the setting sun and trees all around them.
"It was right here," Rina said, stopping after they had gone six yards into the forest. "I saw that big body, that glowing red eye, and I just blacked out. When I woke up, Poliwag was gone."
Mudkip began to sniff. Then it ran ahead.
"Hey, Mudkip, where ya going?" Magi called after it.
"I think Mudkip smells something," Trent noted, and followed it, Hoothoot flying ahead of him and the two girls following.
Mudkip led them another three yards until they saw a shack a foot away. Quietly they approached.
Trent knelt down and peered in. He saw three people dressed in black with black masks, baggy shirts, vests and pants and boots. Two men with short black hair and a woman with puffy black hair. On the woman's head sat a Pokemon that looked like the discarded exoskeleton of an insect with a forlorn-looking face and ragged wings.
In the middle of them in a cage was Poliwag.
"Easiest Pokemon theft yet," one of the men laughed. "Kids are suckers."
"They'll believe anything they see!" laughed the other. "All we had to do was have Shedinja make an illusion to make itself look like a Dusknoir and that girl was out like a light!"
The woman patted to top of Poliwag's cage. "And now this little rarity belongs to us!"
Trent growled in anger. Then he ran around to the shack's door and flung it open, Magi and Rina right behind him.
The three crooks were startled. They had assumed no one would ever discover their hideout.
"Who are you!?" The leading man demanded. "You can't just barge into others' homes!"
"And you can't just go around tricking people and taking their Pokemon," Trent growled. He glared at the three. "Give Poliwag back now!"
"Not on your life!" Refused the woman. "Shedinja, give these little snoops a taste of your Fury Swipes!"
Shedinja flew at them.
"Mudkip, Water Gun!" Trent ordered.
The Water Gun went right through Shedinja.
"Shedinja's a Ghost-type Pokemon," its Trainer bragged. "And thanks to its Wonder Guard ability, none of your attacks will inflict the tiniest bit of damage against it."
Not daunted, Hoothoot flew at Shedinja and attempted to peck it.
Shedinja dodged these attempts and attempted to use Fury Swipes.
The second man's eyes locked on Chikorita, Hoothoot, and Mudkip. "They look rare. Let's take them, too!"
"Good idea," the leader agreed. "They're too good for nosy brats."
"What'd you call us!?" Magi and Trent angrily barked in unison, causing the two men to visibly reconsider their plans for taking their Pokemon.
"I'll teach you!" Trent told them. "Mudkip, Tackle!"
Mudkip slammed into the leader, sending him crash against the cage.
Magi glowered dangerously at the other man, causing him to sweat and tremble. "Vine Whip," she cruelly ordered Chikorita.
Chikorita slapped the man repeatedly with its vines before wrapping around his waist and throwing him onto his boss. It also noticed that when the first man had hit the floor, he had dropped the key to Poliwag's cage. One of the vines stretched to get it.
"Stop it, Shedinja!" Its Trainer ordered.
Shedinja flew at the vine. But this was a mistake. It had taken its eyes off Hoothoot.
Hoothoot puffed itself up angrily that Shedinja would turn its back on it and swooped at the ghostly bug from behind, then struck it with Wing Attack.
Defeated, Shedinja fell to the floor next to the cage.
"No, Shedinja!" Screamed the woman as Chikorita retrieved the key.
"It must not have been as strong as they thought," Magi guessed as Rina took the key from Chikorita.
"Now, Hoothoot," said Trent, "one last Tackle attack!"
Hoothoot slammed into the woman, sending her flying onto her partners in crime.
Chikorita used Vine Whip as a makeshift rope to tie the three crooks together and moved them away from the cage.
Rina unlocked the cage and hugged Poliwag as it jumped into her arms. "I'm so glad you're okay!"
"So, what do we do with them?" Magi asked as she looked at the three crooks.
They winced as Rina gave them a sinister look. "Poliwag, use Hypnosis." And when they were under the spell, ordered the criminals, "Go to the nearest police station and tell them what you've done."
"Yes," they said in monotone unison, and walked out of the shack.
Trent held Mudkip outstretched as Hoothoot perched on his head. "You guys did great," he told his Pokemon. "I knew you guys had it in you!"
"Thank you," Rina said to Trent and Magi. "You guys helped me not only find Poliwag, but saved it as well." She smiled at Trent. "You're a lot stronger and mature than I first thought. And it was really brave to help me out even after I told you I thought I saw a Dusknoir."
"Oh, I don't know about brave," a blushing Trent said, attempting to look modest.
"Or strong and mature," Magi added, earning an annoyed look from Trent.
"Why don't you guys spend the night at my place?" Rina offered. "I'm sure you could use something to eat and a place to stay for the night."
"Thanks!" Both Trent and Magi replied.
And so, while Trent may have lost his first battle against Rina, he helped save her Poliwag from a group of thieves and proven himself to be a hero for the day.

 

[Llama_Guy]

I'm pretty sure your formatting is against forum rules, and at least against any sense of mercy towards your readers =P

Remember, double spacing after each paragraph, and after dialog. I'll take a little excerpt from your story:

The sun arose on Littleroot Town one morning, giving off a beautiful golden shine. To you and me, this would have been just any other day. But to Trent, it was the day he'd prove himself to everyone that he had what it took to make Littleroot proud of him. Today was his tenth birthday, the day he would officially become a Pokemon Trainer.
After waking up, Trent put on a reddish polo shirt, dusty gray jeans, sneakers, and, as a final touch, a maroon bandana over his black hair. He pulled his brown backpack out of his closet and put it on. Only one word could describe this look, and Trent in general: Cool. As of today, Trent would prove that he could take care of himself. All his life he'd always been looked after by his parents, and now he could prove that he was big enough to make his way in the world. That was what being a Trainer was all about, right?
Trent ran downstairs and had his hand on the doorknob when he heard his mother's voice from the kitchen.
"Finally up, are you?"
"What do you mean 'finally'?" Trent asked, poking his head into the kitchen.
His father was sitting at the table reading the newspaper, and his mother was washing dishes in the sink.
"You slept through breakfast," his mother told him. "You must have been up late last night thinking about today."
"I was!" Trent struck a pose as if he were holding a Pokeball out in his right hand. "Today is the day I become an independent. No more being a little kid for me!"
"So, shall I make some breakfast for you, or..."
"No time, Mom. Gotta get to Birch's place before all the good Pokemon are taken!"
And Trent was off and out the door.
Magi was standing outside her house leaning against the tree in her front yard. She had golden blond hair that was tied in two short pigtails and she wore a pale pea-green shirt and brownish-red pants and pale yellow sneakers and had a pink backpack in which she held her clothes and other essentials for her Pokemon journey. Her brown eyes focused on the sky above her as she relaxed.
"Make way! Independent Pokemon Trainer coming through!"
Magi's previously cheerful look soured. "Oh great, it's Mr. Big Head." She casually stuck out her right foot and Trent fell face first sprawled out on the ground.
Trent jumped back up and glowered at Magi, a fist raised. "What'd ya do that for!?"
"You were gonna trip over something one way or the other," Magi told him in a casual manner. "Either it was gonna be my foot or your ego, kid."

The proper way for this to look is something like:

The sun arose on Littleroot Town one morning, giving off a beautiful golden shine. To you and me, this would have been just any other day. But to Trent, it was the day he'd prove himself to everyone that he had what it took to make Littleroot proud of him. Today was his tenth birthday, the day he would officially become a Pokemon Trainer.

After waking up, Trent put on a reddish polo shirt, dusty gray jeans, sneakers, and, as a final touch, a maroon bandana over his black hair. He pulled his brown backpack out of his closet and put it on. Only one word could describe this look, and Trent in general: Cool. As of today, Trent would prove that he could take care of himself. All his life he'd always been looked after by his parents, and now he could prove that he was big enough to make his way in the world. That was what being a Trainer was all about, right?

Trent ran downstairs and had his hand on the doorknob when he heard his mother's voice from the kitchen.

"Finally up, are you?"

"What do you mean 'finally'?" Trent asked, poking his head into the kitchen. His father was sitting at the table reading the newspaper, and his mother was washing dishes in the sink.

"You slept through breakfast," his mother told him. "You must have been up late last night thinking about today."

"I was!" Trent struck a pose as if he were holding a Pokeball out in his right hand. "Today is the day I become an independent. No more being a little kid for me!"

"So, shall I make some breakfast for you, or..."

"No time, Mom. Gotta get to Birch's place before all the good Pokemon are taken!" And Trent was off and out the door.

Magi was standing outside her house leaning against the tree in her front yard. She had golden blond hair that was tied in two short pigtails and she wore a pale pea-green shirt and brownish-red pants and pale yellow sneakers and had a pink backpack in which she held her clothes and other essentials for her Pokemon journey. Her brown eyes focused on the sky above her as she relaxed.

"Make way! Independent Pokemon Trainer coming through!"

Magi's previously cheerful look soured. "Oh great, it's Mr. Big Head." She casually stuck out her right foot and Trent fell face first sprawled out on the ground.

Trent jumped back up and glowered at Magi, a fist raised. "What'd ya do that for!?"

"You were gonna trip over something one way or the other," Magi told him in a casual manner. "Either it was gonna be my foot or your ego, kid."

I took the beginning of the second chapter, too, since that was more paragraph-heavy:

After a few hours of walking, the middle of the afternoon greeted the two new trainers to the sight of the first town they'd seen since their journey began. It was a quaint little place and nothing was too impressive about it. Mostly it was a suburban town with rows of houses on either side of the modest road they stood upon and the sound of birds calling to each other in the trees could be heard clearly in the noonday atmosphere. This all made it feel somewhat similar to Littleroot to Trent and Magi.

Magi took out a map from her backpack and unfolded it. "It says here this place is called Oldale Town," she told Trent. "There's supposed to be a Pokemon Center in the middle of the town. Since our Pokemon could probably use as much a rest as we do, we should probably go there for a while."

"But Pokemon travel in Pokeballs," Trent commented. "How could they be tired?"

Magi rolled her eyes. "They might be hungry, and the Pokemon Center may have food of them."

Trent turned his face away, realizing how he had missed the obvious answer to that question. "Oh....Right....Okay, let's go."

The Pokemon Center was a medium-sized white building that stood in the middle of town. It had a red shingled ceiling with a sign in the shape and color of a Pokeball on the front with two windows on either side of it above a glass door. Upon entering through the door, Trent and Magi saw that the inside had a vanilla-yellow tiled floor and matching wall, though in the middle of the floor was the same red-and-white pattern and shape of a Pokeball as well. An escalator was on the right side that led to the second floor. On the left of the Pokemon Center was a row of ten PCs travelers could use to call home if they wished. Further down were a row of couches around a wide TV set, and next to one of the couches was a soda machine. The couches were set in a particular manner; one was set in front of the TV while the two others were set on either side. There were other places to sit, but it seemed that the local kids and Trent and Magi were the only people in the Pokemon Center, aside from the pink-haired woman in the lavender dress behind the main desk, which also had the red top and white bottom of a Pokeball.

Magi approached the woman. "Excuse me, are you in charge of this place?"

"I am," the woman replied in a cheery voice. "How may I help you?"

"We've been walking for a few hours," Magi replied, "and were hoping maybe you could take care of our Pokemon for a while."

"Certainly," smiled the woman. She set what looked like two egg cartons on the desk. "Just put your Pokeballs in these, please."

After depositing his two Pokeballs, Trent walked over to the TV. It looked like a battle was going on.

If you edit your first chapters to this formatting, you'll probably gain a few more readers, if any at all ;P


Review otherwise, your writing skill is better than many others starting out with a journey fic, but you have a lot of the common standards that tend to make them quite uninteresting.

First of all, your story starts out very typical. Kid wakes up, kid goes through some normal day stuff, kid gets Pokémon, kid gets Pokédex, kid starts travelling, etc. This is a very typical start to a journey fic. Sure, you can argue that it's a way that works well, and it's not directly bad, but readers tend to be more drawn into it if you start it in a more original way.

Second, your description is very listy

After waking up, Trent put on a reddish polo shirt, dusty gray jeans, sneakers, and, as a final touch, a maroon bandana over his black hair. He pulled his brown backpack out of his closet and put it on. Only one word could describe this look, and Trent in general: Cool.

Like this. It's very listy, and makes it blocky to read; too much information at once makes the reader stop and think for a while. It disrupts flow, which is generally unwanted. Admittedly, it can be somewhat excused since it's from Trent's point of view right here, and he might be concerned about how he looks or just too self-glorifying (which is kinda underlined by his saying he's "cool")

However, there's still the ancient (unwritten) rule of writing that says, "show, don't tell". That is, write and describe through the character's actions rather than through the writer's/narrator's exposition. This does however, not apply in every situation, but it takes some experience to see where it's good and where it's bad. My above paragraph is an example of how it's good, and I'm not going to complain much what this sentence goes. It should however not be all put into one sentence, no matter what. That's the most flow-disrupting thing to do in this case. An example of how to describe clothing:

"Trent got up from bed, yawning and stretching his limbs. As he got up, he toddled around the room, looking for his pair of gray jeans. He had already put them out last night, but could for the love of it not find them now. Oh, well, he did at least spot his polo. Soon a red texture was covering his upper body, and he felt a slight warmer. As if it wasn't warm enough already! He then found a pair of socks, black, and proceeded to cross the hallway outside his room to the bathroom, where he had conveniently placed his bandana. As he entered the room, he noticed he had put his pair of jeans there, their dusty color contrasting those of the room. Then he found his bandana, lying next to the sink. The maroon color fit his black just too well, and when he gazed upon himself in the mirror, he could only think one thing about himself: 'I'm too cool!'".

While probably not the best, and maybe a tad long, this is an example of how you can describe without cramming it all into one sentence.

Further on, I noticed this problem when describing other characters, and so it goes with pokémon

When the light faded after the Pokeball opened, a small Pokemon stood before Rina. It had a blackish-blue rounded body, wide saucer-like eyes, tiny pinkish-red lips above a white belly, oval-shaped feet, and a paddle-like tail. The most noticeable trait, though, was the swirl on the stomach.

This, for example. Pokémon descriptions have a number of totally awesome way you can go about them. For this scene, and its imminent participation in a battle, you should spread it over the course of the battle. I will make an example just after talking about my next point.

You write your battles fairly decently, but you can always improve, especially what goes emotion and in general, description; more than just the command "[Pokémon], use [move!]", followed by you writing that the pokémon did just what the move says (the Poliwag "slapped"? That's not just enough...)

So here comes an example of how you could do your battle, implementing both examples above.

(ps: I don't capitalize pokémon or move names or stuff, but that's just a personal preference ;-])

When the light from the pokèball opened, a small, blue globe of a pokémon stood before Rina, it's saucer-esque eyes staring innocently at its new adversary.

Interested, Magi took out her pokédex. "Poliwag, a tadpole pokémon. Though awkward on land, it is agile in the water. The swirl on its stomach changes direction after it evolves."

Trent wasn't that impressed. "Mudkip, let's go for a tackle attack!"

"Mudkip!" it cried out, as the little blue pokémon ran across the field, towards the poliwag.

"Meet it head on with a body slam, Poliwag!" Rina told her pokémon.

"Poli!" it cried wit hits small, pinkish-red mouth, and rushed towards the mudkip - well, its small feet prevented it from actually running, but to the poliwag itself it was rather fast. They were at least on a collision course. Trent watched eagerly, waiting to see which one had the stronger move; Rina, however, had a lopsided smile filled with confidence on her face.

As both pokémon were about to collide, the poliwag suddenly jumped from its two feet; if such small protrusions could be called that, and, much to Trent's dismay, made the mudkip stop in its track as it couldn't see its opponent anymore, and then it came slamming down on the mudkip with all the force a tiny pokémon like poliwag could muster.

Before Trent could react, Rina ordered a double-slap attack, and the tiny poliwag followed its master's order, slapping its equally-colored opponent several times with its broad, yet flimsy, white tail. While it couldn't do much with each single slap, together they made enoug himpact to damage the mudkip.

Trent, being off guard from seeing his pokémon completely dominated, shook himself - mentally -, and ordered the mudkip to use its water gun.

The mudkip did as he ordered, and hit the poliwag's behind - it had not yet turned from its slap attack -, sending it flying toward its master's side of the field. It didn't do much however; after all water-type attacks didn't do much on other water types. In fact, it seemed to revitalize the poliwag [A/N: Poliwag restores its life energy from water attacks due to its water absorb ability].

"What!?" Trent cried out upon seeing this, and the fact that the poliwag didn't even take damage from the blow itself; it landed safely on the round using a water gun attack to cushion itself. Trent hastily called out for a tackle attack, and the mudkip obediently began to charge the poliwag.

"I don't think so!" Rina cried, and pumped a fist forward, calling for it to shift its weight and use a body slam - it had not yet landed using its water gun attack. The result of the two moves clashing was the same as at the beginning of the battle; and Trent cried out in anger upon seeing his mudkip being beaten back to his side, unable to battle anymore.

I only took it so far, since that's already pretty detailed. See how I added more of the character's reactions, and further fleshed out the description when they used the moves etc.?

In general however, you describe very little of their surroundings and such, and their emotions doesn't always shine through - add more than the dialogue as a medium of portraying your characters - it's often too much dialogue, too little emotional and scenic description.

That being said, you write the dialogue quite well, and I can easily see the characters through your dialogue. But that alone is not enough to make a really good character.

However, one more thing, and a MAJOR thing. Your characters being heroes of the day isn't exactly kosher, and definitely something I'd recommend you to avoid. I mean, they're ten. It's not like a ten-year old or two with their newly-acquired pokémon should be able to defeat grown-ups with their own pokémon.

To summarize, you do many things right, but only decent. Some things you need a lot of work on, most stuff, well, still work hard on it. Whether it's good, half-good, half-bad or bad, everything should be focused and worked on, and you have potential to get a good story.

I wish you the best of luck in continuing your story =)

 

[IJuggler]

You used one of the things I've never seen used yet in a story; the battle rooms above Pokemon centers. Why else would they be there, if not to battle?

Sorry to say, I didn't finish the whole thing. I got through 3/4s of it, enough to understand what happened, but then I felt the need to hear myself type again.

Llama really eclipsed most of the points I was going to point out However, there are still a couple I can help with.

The text enlargening, as the most obvious example. That is completely useless, and just hard to look at when trying to pay attention to the rest of the text.

Your character's personalities and speech style are also very similar, and it's hard to tell them apart often. Also, you completely left out Nurse Joy, somehow, even though most of the chapter was in a pokecenter.

Your transitions are still rough and confusing. I almost didn't notice the difference between the battle's end, and Trent healing his Pokemon. There was one sentence dedicated to it, when in reality, he would've found his surroundings far more clear while in a negative mood.

The part where Trent and Magi were watching the TV confused me a bit as well. It immediately jumped into the TV, without saying that the two were just watching it; it made me feel as if Trent and Magi were really there. The description of Metagross was slightly inaccurate (without the mention of huge legs, I didn't understand it), but Glalie was well described.

Your descriptions are getting better; the description of the pokecenter and Oldale were pretty good, but those could use some work to be less of an infodump. I really felt a lack of detail within the battle scenes, however. While it is good to forego some detail when writing battles so as to keep it fast, half the time I wasn't sure what exactly the Pokemon could be doing. For example, when Poliwag used hypnosis, you could've written about how the spiral on its stoch swirled mesmorizingly.

Overall, I can see a large improvement upon the first chapter, but you still have a ways to go. Don't forget to listen to Llama's advice about paragraphing; it really is the biggest difference for a reader.

 

[Giratina!]

Note: This review was written on February 9th, for the Dozen Red Roses movement. If chapters have been published since I wrote this and Valentine’s Day, the review will not be edited. If I find the story interesting, I will keep reviewing past chapter 1.

First off, never put an exclamation mark in your title. Ever.

The story started off pretty generally, with the protagonist waking up aiming to be a Pokémon Trainer. He then proceeds to pull on clothing which is explained as he dons it. We’ve all seen it before. Add some action, some sort of twist to make the reader want to keep going! (Also, pressing the Enter key twice between each paragraph makes it look neater and much nicer.) Dashing out the door, running to regional Professor’s lab before all The Good Pokémon are gone… yes, yes, seen it a—

Magi?

What?

Either Magi’s parents were just a little shaky in the head or this is a really confused fic on where it stands in the funny-names scale. Why have normal names like Trent and Victor stand alongside crazy names like Magi? They don’t fit with each other.

You also need to cut down on the fun text effects. Yeah, it’s cool to see your very own story in bold and italics, but you can get the same effect from ‘It’s… so… cute~!’ as ‘it’s sooooooooooooooooooooooooo cuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuute!’. And then, just from looking glancing over a later chapter: THERE'S NO NEED TO MAKE FONT RIDICULOUSLY BIG LIKE THIS IN THE STORY ITSELF! And plus it looks a lot more mature.

In basics: it’s generic, it’s a wall of text that needs to be separated by more presses of the Enter key, and you’ve got to stop with the overuse of text effects. It looks tacky and really bogs down your potential. Unless you can add some sort of seriously awesome twist in the next chapter, I won’t be reading any more.