Pokemon: journey awaits

[FireTrainer92]

This fan-fic is based on a story my freind and i had created.

Episode I:
Starter Trouble

In Viridian city a boy named michael is set up for pallet town to get his first pokemon, charmander, but he must hurry so he grabs his bike and takes off

hours later.....
michael gets to pallet just in time. right when he opens the door to the lab he sees another person talking to Prof. Oak " Mr. Oak I'm ready for my pokemon"
he says" ahh michael did you get the package" Oak replies. " yes, sir" " excuse me " the mystery person say " oh this is Taylor your rival" Oak says. michael and taylor looking at each other with them each wondering who is better.

mintues later...
Oak" michael charmander and taylor squirttle have a get journey"
taylor walks out without a word . michael gives his gratitude and leaves.
when he hits the field on his bike. a pidgey pops up "go charmader" michael says. Not having any experience he just says any attack "flame tail" the pidgey tackles the charmander
so what do you think

 

[PokemonMaster11]

Ok, this really needs improving, alot. This will get locked if you don't improve. The chapter is REALLY short, you need to make it longer, ATLEAST a page long, but it is better if it is longer then a page. It was really rushed to, no description whatso ever. What do the characters look like? Are they black, white, blue? Green? Yellow? Do they have hair? What are they wearing? What does charmander look like? What does Pidgy look like? And was that supposed to be a cliff hanger?

And it should look like this

In Viridian City a boy named Michael is set up for pallet town to get his first pokemon, charmander, but he must hurry so he grabs his bike and takes off

hours later...
Michael gets to pallet just in time. Right when he opens the door to the lab he sees another person talking to Prof. Oak

"Mr. Oak I'm ready for my pokemon"
he says" ahh Michael did you get the package?" Oak replies.

"Yes, sir"

"excuse me " the mystery person say

"oh this is Taylor your rival" Oak says.

Michael and Taylor look at each other, both wondering who the better trainer is

Minutes later...
Oak

"Michael charmander and Taylor Squirtle have a get journey"

Taylor walks out without a word. Michael gives his gratitude and leaves.
When he hits the field on his bike. A pidgey pops up

"go Charmander" Michael says. Not having any experience he just says any attack "flame tail"the Pidgey tackles the charmander

so what do you think

 

[Pinecone Tortoise]

Episode I:
Starter Trouble​

In Viridian City, a boy named Michael is setting off for Pallet Town to get his first pokemon, Charmander. But he must hurry. So he grabs his bike and takes off.

Hours later.....
Michael gets to Pallet just in time. Right when he opens the door to the lab, he sees another person talking to Professor Oak.

"Mr. Oak I'm ready for my pokemon," he says.

"Ahh, Michael, did you get the package?" Oak replies.

"Yes, sir."

"Excuse me," the mystery person says.

"Oh, this is Taylor, your riva,l" Oak says.

Michael and Taylor look at each other, each wondering who is better.

Mintues later...
Oak says "Michael gets Charmander and Taylor gets Squirtle. Have a great journey."

Taylor walks out without a word. Michael gives his gratitude and leaves.

When he hits the field on his bike, a Pidgey pops up.

"Go, Charmander," Michael says.

Not having any experience, he just says any attack.

"Flame tail!"

The pidgey tackles the Charmander.

And that is pretty much how your story should look once the conventions of spelling, punctuation and grammar are applied to it. (Well, actually, I think that whether or not you choose to capitalise pokemon names is up to you. Personally, however, I prefer to see pokemon names capitalised.)

Hmm. I think the thing hindering you the most (apart from the above corrected technical issues) is that you've been so brief about all of this. You've got some brilliant ideas here (I especially like the one about Michael's lack of experience - very smooth!), but your readers will have a LOT of trouble appreciating them if you don't take the time to really flesh out the scenes.

If you're at a loss for where to start in fleshing things out, I'd suggest mentioning what Michael feels as he goes along. The wind in his clothes and against his face, the heat of the sun, the feel of his pokemon - those sort of things make it easier for readers to imagine what's going on in your story.

Also, perhaps mention what Michael is thinking and feeling emotionally. Is he excited to have his first pokemon? Is he happy about the choice? What's he missing from his home? What's he looking forward to? And if you're feeling really inspired, maybe put in how Charmander is feeling - is it excited to have a trainer? Is it happy about the trainer it ended up with? What's it looking forward to? Is it missing anything?

There's sparks of genius here that are really awesome. As I said before - the 'Flame Tail' is a very nice way of showing Michael's inexperience. Very smooth. But unless you take care with the rest of your story, your readers probably won't hang around to plough through poorly editted stuff just to read a few excellent bits.

So please put this beginning to good use. Keep the quality as consistently high as you can - that way, readers can concentrate more on the content than on any silly mistakes you might make.

Good luck and fun to you! If you want anything else in your story commented on or critiqued or if you want anything in this review explained or extended, let me know!

Piney.
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