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Pokemon Match: The Martial Way

Discussion in 'Fan Fiction' started by moonlightning, Jan 20, 2011.

  1. moonlightning

    moonlightning HANDLER <RETROTRET>

    Please comment and review.

    PM List:

    Dawn Hero

    Chapter List:

    Training Camp

    Day One: The Tablet In The Forest (Scroll down.)
    Day Two: Machiavellian Principles
    Day Three: Myths and Phobias
    Day Four: Pokemon Trainer Dallas
    Day Five: A Rival Emerges
    Day Six: Aerial Ace! (Coming Soon!)
    Final Day: A Division In The Ranks

    The Four Dojo of Talimar
    1. Tricks Of A Gypsy
    2. Southern Dojo; The Ice
    3. Eastern Dojo; The Fire
    4. A Coffee Break With The Devil
    5. Western Dojo; The Dark
    6. Northern Dojo; The Wind
    7. Regitu Emerges

    Talimar National Champs


    (Unfinished Chapter Titles May Change)

    Pokemon Match: The Martial Way

    Chapter One: The Tablet In The Forest

    The white van sped away, kicking up a cloud of dust from the back country road. A thin boy walked from its cloud with a blue sports bag slung over his shoulder. He began to walk down the long driveway, heat radiating from the dry ground and bouncing back up at him. He walked with confidence, his head held high.

    In the distance, Keldio bay loomed. The water was coloured deep blue with a touch of green, different colours emerging as the sun hit at different angles. It stretched out widely, bordered by two tall cliff faces, with jagged rocks beneath. The body of water created great contrast to the rest of the dusty countryside.

    The ground crunched as his sneakers squashed tiny stones together. The air was warm and still. Eventually, the facility was visible as he walked over a small rise. It was a worn, rickety looking building with lots of rooms.

    He continued, the sun beat down on his fair skin. It was beginning to redden. He hopped over a fence, his bag swinging wildly around his waist as he landed. A man exited the house and approached him.

    He extended a hand. “Sensei Russel.”

    The boy shook it firmly, showing no weakness. “It’s a pleasure. I’m Kakari.”

    They began to walk back. The man adjusted his baseball cap, shifting his long frizzy hair.

    He looked down to Kakari. “Are you from Talimar?” he asked.

    The youth shook his head, a few stray strands of brown hair shifting as he did so, “Yes,” he answered. “My parents moved from Unova before I was born, it's my voice that gets me confused."

    “Well, it’s a great place,” Russel said, opening the door into the medieval interior of the dorms.

    The building was pretty basic, wooden floors, solid walls but things were clean and tidy. It was acceptable at the very best. Russel showed Kakari to his room, where he began to move his clothes into the draws provided. His clothes were varying in size, because he was growing so rapidly, he couldn’t even squeeze into the clothes he wore a year ago.

    Kakari’s thoughts concerning his fifteen year old bodily fluctuations were interrupted by a lanky boy appeared in his door, leaning up against it, looking in.

    “Kakari?” he asked.

    “Yeah, who are you?” he replied, pretending he cared.

    “The name’s Dennis,” the older boy answered, “What style are you based in?”

    Well this is just typical. It was common practice for Pokemon Hoia to talk about their home style. There have been long standing debates (otherwise known as petty squabbles) over the best style, it seems in the end it is the proficiency in the martial artist. Not the style that determines their success.

    “Karate,” Kakari said, pronouncing the word correctly, instead of the mangled English version that was tossed around.

    Karate because it is a martial arts style based purely around hitting things, hard. Kicks, punches, knees and elbows are the main weapons of a Karate-Ka. Ground fighting and throws are included, but the main focus is to win while staying on your feet. Or at least that’s what “Pokemon Hoia, A Complete Guide” says.

    “Hmm, you’re like me, a striker, I’m from Taekwondo.”

    Taekwondo is similar, if gold and dirt are the same thing. It focuses more on kicks than punches. It is more of a competition style and less of a self-defence art which was what martial arts was originally intended to be. So they pretty much waste their time flicking their legs around.

    “Do you have any plans for your partner Pokemon?” Kakari asked, ready to start discussing himself.

    Dennis thought for a moment. “A Medicham, it would be great to have something that can attack so hard, and have resistance to fighting type attacks, you?”

    Kakari answered instantly, “Blaziken, they’re wicked fast, and strong. Plus they can pull of some killer high jump kicks.”

    Aerial attacks were key to being a successful Pokemon Hoia. Sure, you can win using stock standard techniques, but do advertising companies really want to sign Hoia that have been doing the same old tricks since the Rampardos were around? No.

    There was an uneasy silence. Maybe Dennis was just trying to be friendly? To Kakari, he was just plain annoying. He wasn’t here to make friends, or have fun, he was here to be the best.

    “I’d better finish unpacking,” Dennis turned around and left.

    That’s my competition? Pfft, being a Hoia will be a breeze. I’ll knock this rookie around for a while to pass the time. What’s two weeks of intense training when you’re practicing with people you could trump when you were white belt anyway?

    After Kakari had sorted out his stuff, he walked down the dark hallway to discover the kitchen. A girl, about the same height as him, sat on a bar stool, gazing out the window watching the waves roll into the shore. She sipped a red fruity drink of some kind through a straw, accentuating her large full lips. Her eyelashes were prominent, along with her cheekbones and certain other womanly features.

    Kakari instantly felt a little nervous, he hadn’t though of this, most female Hoia were quite butch. This one however, looked like she could be quite distracting.

    “H- Hi!” Kakari said, a little too loudly.

    She span around, her long blonde hair whipped around as the bar stool rotated.

    “Well hello? You’re…” her eyes flicked upward, she was trying to remember…

    “Kakari,” he said.

    “No, I know that… you’re Karate, right?” she asked.

    Oh great, just when I think this super hot girl likes me, she just wants to know my style to get an edge on me when we spar. Hopefully she’s just a pretty face, I don’t want to have to worry about trying to hurt her, she’s only a girl after all.

    “Yeah,” I answered.

    Awkward silence followed. She span back around, looking toward the ocean.

    “Have a seat.” she said.

    Kakari walked forward, suddenly self-conscious of the singlet and gym shorts he was wearing. Taking a seat beside the girl, she pointed a finger at a spot on the ocean. On closer inspection, it was a surfer, gliding along a wave effortlessly, his tanned skin and bleached hair evident from even beyond the sand dunes.

    “Surfers,” She sighed with longing, “They’re the only men for me.”

    “Oh, er. Right. Well I wasn’t-,” Kakari began.

    “Of course you weren’t champ.”

    She got up, gave Kakari a pat on the back placed her glass in the dishwasher and left, leaving him feeling very stupid. Then he realised he had no idea what her name was, and more importantly what style she was. The fact that she said she wasn’t interested, even though he would usually beg that kind of response from people… just seemed to make her even more appealing.

    Sensei Russel walked in, dressed in a loose t-shirt and swimming shorts.

    “Hey, Kakari, we’re all going to the tablet now, grab your gear and we’ll head out, okay?”

    He nodded and went off to his room, to get his protective gear. This was the day he and all martial artists dream of. To go to a stone tablet and finally become a Pokemon Hoia. It was the beginning of a long journey to become the Master Hoia, the best in the world.

    Sensei Russel poked his head through Kakari’s door. "Are you ready yet? We are all going now.”

    “Yes sensei, sorry I’ve got my stuff.”

    The boy slipped on his day pack full of snacks and his fighting pads and followed his instructor to the back door of the facility. On the way he caught a glimpse of Dennis’s room. Everything was neat to the extreme, either he was a paranoid, or it he was just raped by a mob of cleaning ladies.

    Stepping out into the afternoon sun, Kakari gazed in the opposite direction to the sea. The Terakion mountains were prominent, their jagged tips tearing at the clear sky.

    “Let’s go,” Sensei concluded and Kakari, Dennis, Russel and the mystery girl began to follow a well trodden, but still wild bush track.

    The forest blocked out lots of the light, and the temperature instantly dropped. The ground was a mess of leaf litter and fallen logs. Sensei weaved the path of least resistance, so it was best to follow him closely. Various bird calls echoed through the foliage, occasionally the violent flapping of wings erupted from beneath the leaves as they came to close to a Pokemon, and it took off merely appearing as a brown and white blur before it erupted through the canopy.

    Kakari spotted a Spinarak camouflaged on a green tree. He pointed out the arachnid-like Pokemon to Dennis, who seemed a little uneasy about the fact that the bug type Pokemon flourish in this coastal forest environment.

    “When I was three, an Ariados crawled onto my bed, I’m a little traumatised, okay?” He said with a shudder.

    Finally the track ended when they reached a large clearing, the centre of which was an expansive raised stone platform. It was about half Kakari’s height off the ground and about the size of a squared home swimming pool. It seemed almost magic that no moss grew in between the flawless stone slabs. This was one of four stone tables in Talimar, and the birth place of every Pokemon Hoia. Here, is where a promise of friendship and support is made with a fighting type Pokemon. From then on they become allies, and usually very close.

    “Who is first?” Russel asked.

    The surfer obsessed barbie doll stepped toward the table.

    “Sensei, could I please attempt?” she asked, her voice staying strong.

    The man nodded, his frizzy hair bouncing for a second, “Certainly Sarah, go right ahead.”

    Ah, Sarah is her name… I wonder what martial arts style she is?”

    She opened her purple back pack. And removed two yellow shin pads, which she proceeded to strap around her thin legs. It was becoming obvious as she jumped up onto the platform, that she was more nervous about this than she was letting on, by the way her blue eyes flickered around.

    She reached the centre of the platform and stood on the triangle in the centre. A green light drifted from it, over the plaform, running like water in an overflowing sink. It is a beckon, for fighting type Pokemon to prove their skill.

    This light, its like from in the Movies. That light, symbolises a bond between Hoia and Pokemon. Its colour changes depending on your fighting style. It picks the best partner for you.

    It was the most important day in a Hoia’s life, she had reason to look worried. A loud war cry screamed from the dense bushes straight ahead. She jolted, beads of sweat running down her face. Sarah, got into her stance, her left leg forward and bent, right leg behind and straight. Her guard was already up, her hands were open.

    A blur erupted from the foliage, snapping branches and ripping vines. It flew, in mid-air for a while, then landed, floating above the ground. It tilted it’s head, a large white bulbous protrusion came from its crown. Large white eyes and tiny pupils stared at Sarah as it floated, legs crossed.

    Sarah ran forward, and clapped her palms on each side of the Pokemon’s head. It reeled back, landing on its feet. The Fake Out attack momentarily stunned the fighting and psychic type Pokemon. It regained its composure and raised its guard.

    Kakari looked over at Dennis, who was supremely jealous. Meditite is the pre-evolution of Medicham, his dream partner Pokemon. Rarely does a Hoia match up with what they want. The tablet insures the best match for their personality.

    Both fighters rushed forward, arms and legs colliding in a series of blocked and deflected blows. Meditite’s small blue limbs moved quickly. It seemed as though Sarah was beginning to tire, she shuffled back, breaking the confrontation. Meditite sensed the weakness and capitalised, attacking even more furiously than before.

    The Pokemon drove Sarah back, step by step, closer to the edge with its onslaught of blows. A stray spinning kick caught her chin, jerking her head around. For a moment, it looked as though she was knocked out. The Meditite paused. It stopped attacking and watched the girl descend.

    Sarah’s eyes snapped open.

    Realising it had been fooled, the Meditite hastily prepared another kick, but Sarah had a plan. She bent both of her knees, took a deep breath and grabbed the smaller Pokemon. With an exhalation and a grunt she threw the Pokemon, overhead, it landed a few metres away.

    “Nice throw…” Dennis commented, getting excited by the battle.

    That’s strange for a Kung Fu practitioner such as her self to be so proficient at overhead throws. Still not as good as me, but she’s close.

    Sensei Russel watched onward, but wasn’t enthused like Dennis. He had seen this many times before, possibly hundreds. If he was so disinterested, why is he still training Hoia?

    The Meditite clambered up, Sarah was attacking again, using circular kicks and punches. Now it was the Meditite that was on the back foot, always having to block, weave and duck. The Pokemon was getting angry, its eyes glowed bright blue.

    A strange force paralysed Sarah’s body, leaving her frozen in mid-kick, her leg awkwardly hanging in the air. The Meditite drew its hand back and struck with a snappy Force Palm that cracked the air with its tension. The girl gasped as she was ripped from her psychic bonds and tossed backward, winded from the technique.

    That’s kind of cheating. The Meditite won’t be allowed to use its Psychic powers in a refereed and judged Pokemon Match. I suppose it’s just wild and ignorant at the moment.

    The girl wasn’t one to give up, the Meditite charged, a purple aura floating around its hand. It slashed at the defenceless girl, the Psycho Cut forced her bouncing along the tablet until she was merely half hanging off the side. She opened her eyes, the smirking Pokemon was approaching, ready to finish the fight.

    “Come on Sarah!” Russel yelled, “Get back up, are you a Hoia or not?”

    The girl scrambled to her feet, standing over the green glowing stone platform. The Meditite jumped, and bent its front knee, preparing for a High Jump Kick. Sarah, tucked her head in and clenched all of her muscles tightly. A faint white light coated her body at the moment of impact. The light seemed to be impenetrable, the Meditite slipped around the barrier, landing awkwardly in a pile of leaves.

    I had heard of humans using Pokemon attacks, but Protect? That would seem really hard to pull off. I need to get her to show me how to do that.

    Sarah had done it, she had secured her partner Pokemon.

    “Great work Sarah.” Russel said, as the girl lowered herself from the fighting arena. “You realised your physical attacks wouldn’t do enough damage to it, so you decided to either throw it out, or make it go out of the arena on its own accord.”

    The girl smiled, flashing a red mouth guard. A trickle of blood ran from it, dripping off her cheek. With horror Kakari realised it had been white when she put it on. It must have been the kick to the head she had earlier.

    “Thank you Sensei,” Sarah bowed.

    The light from the platform seemed to engulf the panting Meditite, slightly lifting it off the forest floor. As the light dissipated the Pokemon walked over and looked up at Sarah, its eyes wide and full of promise.

    “Hi Meditite, I’m Sarah, your Hoia.”

    As Sarah got acquainted to her partner Pokemon, Dennis began strapping on his blue shin pads and thin gloves. He slipped in his mouth guard and climbed onto the tablet, proceeding to the central triangle. The light erupted this time was red. It searched the forest for a suitable match.

    Dennis looked even more nervous than Sarah. Eventually a high pitched cry erupted from the trees. A small figure ran along a tree branch and jumped, flipping once before landing softly. It had a long head, ending at a point with small whiskers and teddy bear-like ears. As it set its eyes on Dennis its whiskers twitched, sensing movements.

    “Watch the Rolling Kick!” Russel called.

    The small Pokemon dove at the ground, rolling rapidly before uncurling, and driving both legs deep into the Taekwondo practitioners gut. As he fell back the Mienfoo jumped high on its small legs and used a Force Palm on the boys face, sending him careening backward.

    Russel must know a lot about Fighting Types, he predicted its move straight away…

    Dennis hadn’t given up yet. The Pokemon rushed forward like a creamy blur preparing to strike when Dennis twisted on his front foot, using it as pivot, turning his hips and whipping his foot out sideways. The kick caught the Mienfoo in its ribs. The Pokemon growled on impact. It staggered back, damaged.

    “Nice! Now is your chance!” Russel yelled.

    Now Dennis had the advantage, the lanky boy stepped forward and fired a series of complex punching combinations, the Mienfoo simply diverted all of them with large circular blocks. It then hopped back, jumped and kicked Dennis hard in the chest then back flipped to safety.

    The U-Turn attack caught the boy off guard, he fell on his back. The Mienfoo glowed a blue light as its regeneration ability activated. There were a few crackling noises as its ribs were healed. Dennis struggled to his feet to be met with a High Jump Kick, landing deep at his solar plexus.

    He wheezed on impact then staggered, falling off the platform. The Mienfoo rushed back into the forest, its arms flailing behind it.

    “Dennis?” Russel helped the boy to his feet, “Understand, boy that even the current Talimar champion didn’t succeed in getting his partner Pokemon first try.”

    Dennis nodded, still disappointed, It was obvious the boy really wanted to do well, the Mienfoo was just too darn fast.

    “You can have another go after Kakari,” Russel said.

    Kakari felt a dead weight drop in his stomach. He just hoped for a Combusken, the pre-evolution of Blaziken. He stood in the triangle, his fists shaking a little in his red gloves. He looked over at the others, who watched on intently.

    Red light poured out, then stopped abruptly.

    “Huh? Um…” Kakari began.

    The Mienfoo jumped onto the tablet, its thick legs bent and hands raised in a traditional Kung Fu guard. Kakari got into his stance, weight evenly distributed on each foot, on the balls of his feet. His guard raised, his front hand reaching out while the back chambered on his chest.

    The Mienfoo proceeded with a Rolling Kick, Kakari jumped aside, and kicked straight at the unfurling Pokemon. It was knocked backward, but it recovered quickly. Not wanting to give it any time to utilize its regeneration ability, Kakari rushed forward with a punch.

    With a large circular sweep of the arm, his assault was diverted. The Pokemon took this opportunity to land a series of small blows to his ribs and face. Kakari pushed him away. They circled each other, watching carefully.

    The two were pretty evenly matched, it was simply down to who wanted to win more. The Mienfoo rushed forwards attacking low, with a Mach Punch. The attack was so fast, Kakari had no time to respond, he bent over, after the fist left his gut.

    “Kakari!” Russel called, “Don’t let it regenerate!”

    Kakari grimaced and swallowed the pain. He hopped forward and raised my leg high, the Pokemon expected a kick and raised its guard accordingly. He swept his leg down, taking out the Mienfoo’s front leg. It was flicked up into the air. The boy hit the mid-air Pokemon with a wince worthy punch. The Pokemon rolled along the ground until it fell over the edge.

    The red light engulfed its body, the Pokemon rejoined him on the platform.

    Kakari raised out a hand, “Friends?”

    The Mienfoo thought for a moment, bringing a paw up to its face. It nodded and gave me a playful jab to the stomach. The boy laughed it off, but it still brought tears to his eyes.

    “Great work Kakari.” Russel exclaimed. “Mienfoo are quite versatile Pokemon, it will make a great combination with you.”

    Kakari bowed. Then sat down with his new partner and began to talk with it.

    “I’m Kakari.” he explained.

    The Pokemon rolled its eyes and perked up its ears. Sinking its face into its paw it began to endure Kakari’s life story.

    “And that’s when- hey? Are you even listening?” Kakari asked.

    The Mienfoo was too busy watching Dennis’s second fight. All Kakari got to see of it was the large blue body of a Poliwrath knocked out of the ring with a well timed kick. Such a large, human sized partner would be difficult to take down.

    As the Pokemon stood up, its white belly patch with a spiral was revealed. It seemed almost hypnotic to look at, almost as if it was turning. The Pokemon wore large white gloves, its eyes were raised out of its main bulky body.

    When it moved, it sort of wobbled on its rounded feet. It didn’t seem to be very adept at movement, or speed of any kind. Kakari decided he would have to capitalise on this weakness in the future.


    They began their walk home. Mienfoo preferring to jump between trees than to walk with everyone else. Sarah and her Meditite were getting on well, chatting easily.

    About that Poliwrath...

    The Pokemon was part Water type, but since only Fighting and Normal moves are allowed in a Pokemon Match, it doesn’t have any real significance. What Kakari was most worried above was the Pokemon’s massive strength, it was the polar opposite of Mienfoo.

    But, Mienfoo could supposedly learn a wide variety of techniques, as well as a very hyped and rarely seen non-physical Fighting type attack. Maybe he and his Mienfoo could rise to the top together?


    After dinner they all had strawberry smoothies. What they didn’t know was that Sensei Russel had snuck some egg whites into them, for protein. The sun was setting through the large living room window. It was setting in line with the bay, casting long strands of light over the water.

    Russel entered the living room and addressed the youths, “I hate to end a day on a sour note but there is something I must tell you.”

    Kakari listened carefully, the two others did the same, slightly leaning toward their Sensei.

    “This only really applies to Kakari and Sarah, but Dennis it is important for you to know. Because your Pokemon are not caught in Poke’ Balls, when they evolve and their personality changes they become wild. You must defeat them as soon as they evolve, else they will flee back into the wild as the instinct tells them too.”

    Kakari nodded, this was important stuff, it would be horrific to lose his original partner Pokemon. But, evolution was probably a long way off.

    “And, your partner Pokemon are all the opposite gender to you.”

    Mienfoo is a girl? I never realised all partner Pokemon and Hoia were opposite genders. Turns out there is more to this than I had prepared for, if getting your black belt is preparation enough.

    “Kids, you should get to bed, our first day of training begins tomorrow.”


    Kakari could hear Mienfoo snoring on the top bunk.

    Why couldn’t I have gotten a Combusken like I really wanted? Mienfoo is Kung Fu, more in between grappling and striking while I am a linear, striking style. Why did the tablet pick her, for me?

    Why did me and Dennis fight the same Pokemon? Would things have been different if he had’ve gotten Mienfoo instead of me? Would I have Poliwrath, or something completely different?

    Sarah needs to show me how to use Fake Out and Protect. They seem to be handy. Mienfoo needs to show me Rolling Kick some more as well, it seems to have huge coolness factor.

    I wonder if Mienfoo will evolve. And if I will be able to defeat her? I’ve got to train harder than her, all the time.

    Wait a minute… where is Sensei’s partner Pokemon?

    End Of Training Camp Day One​
    Last edited: Jul 24, 2011
  2. Breezy

    Breezy Well-Known Member

    I think you meant "kicking up" instead of "picking up" in the first sentence.

    The second sentence is ... kind of confusing with the "stood walked" typo. I figure you meant "stood" though. This is also a misplaced modifier. You're stating that the cloud is the one with the blue sports bag instead of the boy.

    The third sentence could use some clean up, though my prime issue is why the boy is feeling the heat from the ground instead of, well, the actual sun above him. And even if it is the ground actually radiating heat, it wouldn't "bounce back up" since that would be the source of the heat. This might be why I got confused on why you didn't just say it was the sun. Description does mean something, and while it's good to have it in order to enhance a piece and make it more realistic, you still gotta make sure what you're saying makes sense. This sentence is also a comma splice (the section in red is where it's located) which is making your sentence incomplete. You can fix it by splitting the sentence into two parts.
    He began to walk down the long driveway. Heat radiated from the dry ground, bouncing back up at him. He walked with confidence, his head held high.​
    or, if you want to keep them in the same sentence, change the ending on "radiated"
    He began to walk down the long driveway, heat radiating from the dry ground and bouncing back up at him.​
    You could merge the "walk confidently" sentence with this sentence as well.

    And sorry for the super long ramble on one paragraph. x_X

    While I get what you're doing here (setting up a nearby location), the description seems misplaced. We head no idea where the boy was heading, or that he was even heading somewhere important period, and the sudden burst of information was a bit jarring. And
    then you kind of jump from the facility to the countryside. So besides description making logical sense, it should also feel relevant/has a point to the character and, therefore, the reader. You could probably make this work if you had your character muse on Keldio Bay first and then jump into the facility description once he was closer.

    The first sentence is another example of a comma splice (highlighted in red). In case you're unfamiliar with the term, a comma splice is when you use a comma to connect two complete sentences. Commas are too weak to do that, so you should either change the comma into a period or insert a coordinating conjunction (and, but, so, etc., depending on what works with the sentence) to fix it.

    • He continued, the sun beating down on his fair skin. It was beginning to redden.
    • He continued, the sun beating down on his fair skin and beginning to redden it.

    and other ways. Having too many sentence fragments creates clarity issues, unnecessary pausing, etc.

    The sentence in bold is kind of random as well. Is the house the facility or something else entirely? o_O

    "Mans frizzy hair" should be "man's frizzy hair." And, um, what is showing no weakness, the hair or the boy's handshake?

    So there are some dialogue punctuation/capitalization issues that I hope I can help clarify.

    Dialogue is made up of two parts. The actual dialogue (stuff between the quotation marks) and the speech tag (things like "he said," "she asked", "they shouted", "I explained" or anything that modifies the dialogue). So something like
    "Hey," he said.​
    is the entire sentence. On the other hand, something like this
    "Hey." He waved his hand.​
    are two sentences since "he waved his hand" is not modifying the dialogue. Kind of make sense?

    To use your own dialogue as an example:
    He extended a hand. “Sensei Russel.”​
    I put a period after "hand" instead of a comma since the dialogue and the sentence before it are functioning independently from each other. Same for the following sentence.
    The boy shook it firmly, jolting the man's frizzy hair about a little, showing no weakness. “It’s a pleasure. I’m Kakari.”​
    For the most part, the start of dialogue should be capitalized. So something like this

    should be
    They began to walk back. The man adjusted his baseball cap and looked down to Kakari. "Are you from Talimar?" he asked.

    The youth shook his head, a few stray strands of brown hair shifting as he did so. “Yes,” he answered. “It’s mainly my voice that gets me confused, see my parents are from Unova, they moved here before I was born.”

    “Well, it’s a great place,” Russel said, opening the door into the medieval interior of the dorms.​
    Some basic examples of dialogue:

    • "Hey," he said.
    • He said, "Hey."
    • She waved at him. "Hey. How are you?"
    • "I'm okay," he answered. "What are you up to?"
    • "Well," he began, "don't you think you're being silly?"

    I don't really understand the italic portions. Is it thought from Kakari? It sounds like regular narrative from the omniscient narrator. If it's not thoughts, you might want to get rid of the italics entirely since most people associated huge blocks of italic with character thought (a popular way to do it in fan fiction).

    And if it is thoughts from Kakari, it's really bizarre how he has to define terminology in his head like that, especially if it's something he has been raised around. If you want to do something like that for the reader without it being blunt, you might want to try adding some flair into it that reads that it's coming from your character's mind -- more subjective than objective, really. Perhaps Kakari doesn't think highly of Taekwondo or the people who participate in it? Plus it's kind of long for thought. I feel like the Dennis character would have long given up and walked away earlier if he realized how spacey Kakari appears to be.

    He answered. Some confusion changing from Kakari's thoughts back to the actual event.

    Your major error, grammatically, were comma splices. I pointed out a few earlier in my review. If you read your work over, you may notice that some of your sentences tend to go on and on and on.

    The comma between "tire" and "she" should be a period. It sometimes help to read your story out loud to help catch these sort of mistakes. While the grammar wasn't overall distracting, it would be beneficial if you found someone to proofread your work. It might also help if you read stories that have decent grammar.

    The story, overall, is an interesting concept, and the fight scenes were rather enjoyable. Your characterization showed the most with Mienfoo, surprisingly; it would be nice if you applied the same to Kakari and the other human characters a bit. Though I do like the tension between Kakari and Mienfoo with them being somewhat opposites and Kakari slightly whining that he didn't get the combusken he wanted. =P Denny is shaping out to be the obligatory rival character, which isn't bad but not entirely unique either. I'm glad you made Sarah something of a badass even with her "sultry" description earlier.

    Everything before the fight scenes seems a little jumpy, sometimes random. You could probably get a better handle on it once you make the description seem relevant to Kakari. And once you figure out what Kakari would focus on description-wise, expand on it and throw in some personal thought/interpretation on it. All the introductions seemed a little rushed, which is understandable, but you probably could have spent a bit more time describing the setting around the characters or their actions/interactions between themselves or separately. A lot of the character interaction was primarily dialogue or Kakari's thoughts. Having dialogue alone tends to rush the scene (we jump from one place to another without really settling down from the first jump). It was nice to see the bits with Kakari's thoughts since it slowed down the pacing and gave us more insight to his character; perhaps you could incorporate this throughout the entire story. Blending his thoughts with the narrative is another way to do this. I am glad that you did spend a bit more time on the fight scenes. They weren't drawn out to the point of boredom but we did get some sense of what the characters were like through their battle styles and their reactions. They were also pretty interesting to read.

    Overall, it's a unique concept. It could use some more description and narrative to slow down the pacing of the story, though.
  3. moonlightning

    moonlightning HANDLER <RETROTRET>

    Breezy, thank you for the big review. I was so determined to get my grammar right, I proofread and sent it to two betas, more than once. This...

    I am ashamed, this is leftover from writing a first person fic. I scoured this for those errors, but I guess it just slipped from my betas and I.

    I had no idea you capitalise after quotation marks :p. A big goof on my part.

    Now the italic portions... they were originally just narration, I decided they were too boring and it would be more interesting if they were from the perspective of Kakari. I will personalize them more as you suggested, to make it more clear.

    I held myself back a little on the description. I tried to keep it interesting, instead of dragging along slowly. But... if you think that I should slow things down I'm more than happy to oblige.

    The first few paragraphs are a mess, I suppose I didn't focus on them too much. Which seems stupid from this perspective, it is the readers very first impression of the story. It would be a good idea to keep them in top shape.

    Dennis isn't quite a rival, but that will be explained later on. He is (at the moment) quite one dimensional, I'll try and give him some more personality (except for being scared of arachnid-like Pokemon.

    Hehe, it's the handshake.

    That's me alright. I will try to improve these scenes. They could use some better pacing, description and character development.

    Thanks Breezy, your points are a great help now and will be for any future writing.

    (Ugh, I just realised I comma spliced in my response to your review! Old habits die hard I suppose.)
  4. FlamingRuby

    FlamingRuby The magic of Pokemon

    First of all, I'm piqued--both in this new world and this new career--what, exactly, is a Hoia? I can guess something to do with fighting Pokemon, but what do they DO? Second, I want to know more about this region you created.

    Not a bad start, although those are my big questions for now
  5. moonlightning

    moonlightning HANDLER <RETROTRET>

    There is a big lecture about those topics in the next chapter. They were originally in the first one but it made the story really boring.


    Basically a Hoia is a martial artist who fights alongside their partner Pokemon. It is a word similar to trainer, breeder or co-ordinator. (No, they don't just run around punching Mudkips in the face, I'll explain.)

    Hoia fight other Hoia in a way similar to a Pokemon battle. Except It's the Hoia's Pokemon and them against an enemy Hoia and their Pokemon. (That's all I'm revealing for now, there are rules and such that will be expanded on.)


    Ah, the region of Talimar. (Unscramble the word.) I have made a map, developed a culture and some important myths or legends. These will all be expanded on in the next chapter.

    Thanks Flamingruby!
  6. FlamingRuby

    FlamingRuby The magic of Pokemon

    So Talimar is akin to my fantastic Pokeworld of Yoso...I'll likely read the next episode to see if it answers my questions
  7. GastlyMan

    GastlyMan Ghost Type Trainer

    Omit the emboldened word.

    You randomly switched to first person here.

    Overall: I love the concept. And you describe the setting beautifully. Your characters are likeable enough, and the entire new region and battling style were just excellent.

    However, I second what Breezy said about the commas. Note the difference in clarity between a sentence with comma splicings and commas without in this random crappy sentence I quickly came up with.
    Overly cumbersome and contains too much information for one sentence. *

    A better way would be to rewrite it as such:
    Note how I separated the ideas using periods instead of commas.
    In case you need an example from the fic itself:
    This sentence would work in these ways:
    The U-Turn attack caught the boy off-guard. He fell on his back.

    The U-Turn attack caught the boy off-guard, and he fell on his back.

    The U-Turn attack caught the boy off-guard; he fell on his back.

    I wouldn't suggest using the third one, though.

    Nevertheless, a comma does not suffice here. It's a bit difficult to explain, but I'll try and point out any other discrepancies regarding commas in the future. :D

    Otherwise, excellent work!
  8. moonlightning

    moonlightning HANDLER <RETROTRET>

    Gastlyman, It's great that you are back! (You left for like... a week but it felt like forever!)

    I have put lots of effort into this. It really disappoints me that I made these errors. I think I used commas to make the story seem faster. With no pauses. It just turned out to make ugly comma spliced sentences that read badly.

    This concept (which has been developing since Nyu Jirando*) is one of my favorites and I really want to do it justice. In my next chapter there will be NO typos and NO errors, else I have to give the people that find them cookies.

    My characters seem likable for now, it's only the first day. Hehe, you may not be so fond of one character at the end of the next chapter.

    All of the remnants of random first person in When The Grave Calls haunting me (get it, haunting?) I am disgraced that I let them in here.

    Thanks Gastlyman for the review!
  9. Dawn_Hero

    Dawn_Hero Written Insanity~

    Hey, moonlightning ^^ Saw your story so I thought I'd swing by and read it. Glad I did! First off, there were just a few errors I noticed as I read through.

    • He continued, the sun beat down on his fair skin.
      -This should really be "beating" down on his fair skin. The way it's said now sounds a tad awkward. Your shifting tenses the way it is.
    • Russel showed Kakari to his room, where he began to move his clothes into the draws provided.
      -Is that supposed to be drawers? o: Just curious.
    • Kakari’s thoughts concerning his fifteen year old bodily fluctuations were interrupted by a lanky boy appeared in his door, leaning up against it, looking in.
      -This sentence is incredibly awkward. Commas can be your friends, but add too many and you'll be a fifth wheel at the party. Instead, why not try something like, "Kakari's thoughts concerning his fifteen year old bodily fluctuations were interrupted when a lanky boy appeared, leaning against his door and looking in." This way there aren't so many pauses that distract the reader from the given sentence.
    • There have been long standing debates (otherwise known as petty squabbles) over the best style, it seems in the end it is the proficiency in the martial artist. Not the style that determines their success.
      -Same thing as the last one here. The parentheses aren't entirely needed since this can be split up to make things easier. What about something like, "There have been long standing debates, otherwise known as petty squabbles, over the best style. It seems in the end it's the proficiency of the martial artist, not the style, that determines their success." To me, at least, that sounds a bit better. It's up to you if it does or not, though.
    • She got up, gave Kakari a pat on the back placed her glass in the dishwasher and left, leaving him feeling very stupid.
      -"She got up, gave Kakari a pat on the back, placed her glass in the dishwasher and then left, leaving him feeling very stupid."

      /Corrections. Not all of these are necessarily right. I was just trying to help you out a bit. You don't have to add any of the corrections I made except the tense-changing one I listed first since that actually is an error. Just remember that we all make a ton of mistakes. I'll be posting my Trainer fic later today and it'll be chock-full of errors, too. Don't worry. :p I can't find them, but others will.

    I really enjoy the story you've got going on here. I never would've thought of a martial arts fic for Pokemon, which is funny considering the abundance of fighting-types. I'm interested as to how the next chapter will go- feel free to add me to your PM list. :D I've no idea why, but Sarah is definitely my favorite character. She just strikes me as hilarious compared to the others. Hahah.
  10. moonlightning

    moonlightning HANDLER <RETROTRET>

    Thanks for your corrections Dawn Hero. Those are really valuable, I don't want to scare off potential readers with silly mistakes.

    I think I'm just addicted to commas and brackets. You enjoy Sarah? Well be prepared to see another side of her personality in Day Two. A darker side...
  11. Infernalmonk

    Infernalmonk Member

    wow, I love the attention to detail in the characters. Couldn't find any mistakes but if I do I'll post them right away.
  12. moonlightning

    moonlightning HANDLER <RETROTRET>

    Thanks for your review, characters are a weak point of mine, so I try my hardest to get them in shape. The next chapter is halfway done, and it has some interesting plot points in it, I hope you enjoy it when it comes out.
  13. Infernalmonk

    Infernalmonk Member

    maybe that's why you're so good at them. Either way I'm looking forward to the next chapter and I hope it's as good as the last.
  14. #1TransendTrainer


    may i b on the PM list? this is rly awsum. the battles were well written. plz try 2 remember & stay on 3rd person. ik how it feels doing 1st & 3rd person stories at the same time
  15. moonlightning

    moonlightning HANDLER <RETROTRET>

    Pokemon Match: The Martial Way

    Chapter Two: Machiavellian Principles

    Screw running in the morning…

    The Hoia-in-training had been woken early and were happily beginning their training. Sensei Russel ran at the front of the group leading their weaving path over and around the sand dunes. Eventually all four of them were sucking up crisp sea air as the waves crashed beside them.

    The beach was massive and expansive. It was awe-inspiring, the large cliffs that bordered the bay stood like towering guards. Far inland the sun began peeking between the large jagged Terakion Mountains. The yellow light warmed their clammy hands and arms.

    Sarah ran in front of Kakari, her thin body gliding across the sand like a Wingull. Dennis trailed behind her; he was very fit and wasn’t even breaking a sweat. Kakari, however wasn’t used to aerobic exercises and was struggling. Mienfoo scoffed at his laboured breathing to which Kakari responded with a playful shove.

    Sarah was distracted by some early morning surfers, found often in this spot. Her eyes were so fixated on the wave riders she tripped on a piece of driftwood, her form falling gracefully toward the ground. Her body glowed a bright purple as her Meditite caught her telekinetically.

    “Thanks,” She whispered and they ran off, her cheeks bright red.

    The group entered the forest and followed the same track they had the previous day. Dennis was on a careful look out for any large bug-type Pokemon, but his huge blue Poilwrath ran confidently. Sarah turned to face Kakari, her blonde hair flicking aside.

    “You okay?” She asked.

    Oh yeah! I’m fan-f***ing-tastic. Not only do I have to do this stupid running thing, I’m stuck here with a partner Pokemon I don’t want, a soft instructor and two idiots who will just keep getting in my way!

    “Fine thanks,” Kakari answered.

    Their shoes crunched twigs and crumpled fallen leaves. The forest was an interesting place in the early morning. Pokémon rose from their nests and took off, crawling or running, keen to begin their scavenging or hunting. Their loop ended finally at the house, where Kakari bent over and rested his arms on his knees.

    A painful raw sensation pervaded his lungs. His breathing was normally fine, but in cold temperatures he often gets severe athsma. It took him a while to recover from the chilly air and make his way inside.

    His Mienfoo began some light sparring with Sarah’s Meditite. The two Pokémon trained carefully and seemed to be enjoying themselves. In a friendly competitive fashion, a few heavier blows landed from time to time. The smirks on their faces showed their fighting spirit.

    The Meditite jumped upward, its body becoming a blue blur before descending with a strong overhead Karate Chop. Mienfoo grinned and blocked the assault with two paws, then spun its legs around, tripping the falling Pokemon with an Ankle Sweep attack.

    The Meditite landed on the hard dirt, got back up and smiled. It seemed like a good sport, before socking Mienfoo in the face with an unexpected punch.


    After breakfast they had a short break before beginning their useful martial training. Kakari decided to head out early, Mienfoo trotted alongside him eagerly. Sarah was standing on the beach, staring at two surfers who were paddling into shore.

    “Surfers huh?” Kakari said.

    Sarah turned around, then looked straight back at the surfers. She looked back at him, stepped forward, closed the distance and-

    It was warm and surprisingly wet. Their arms linked for a second before the embrace broke and Sarah stood back, her face blushing. The kiss had lasted only a second yet it lingered in Kakari’s mind like an echo.

    “I…” Kakari began.

    “Think nothing of it,” Sarah spat.

    The girl stormed off back inside, the morning sun casting a long angry shadow over the sand. Kakari turned to her Meditite, confused. The Pokemon shrugged and gave a ‘why would I know, she’s crazy’ look and paired up with Mienfoo for some sparring.

    “What the fu-?”

    “Kakari!” Dennis said.

    Kakari turned to see the lanky boy approach. The standard silk shorts and singlet of a Pokemon Hoia he wore emphasised how well built and toned he was. His confidence was somewhere far away, careful not to make eye contact with anyone.

    “Hey Dennis,” Kakari answered. “Did you hear, Mikey Casey is competing in the Match League this year.”

    The boy raised an eyebrow, “Yes I have heard. You’d have thought three consecutive titles would have been enough for him.”

    Mikey Casey. My idol. I suppose the only person I really respect. He fights alongside a Blaziken. It kicks so fast, and leaves trails of flames. They both fight so well together, the perfect combination…

    Poliwrath looked down at Kakari. The Pokémon had massive power, and seemed to be fast. Its white gloves were clenched tightly at its sides.

    Sensei Russel came running out of the house, his bare feet picking up light sand.

    “Okay kids we’ve warmed up, now let's get training.”

    The Hoia and Pokémon all bowed to their sensei. It was intuitive for fighting Pokémon to respect a more powerful and experienced fighter. Especially one who was willing to teach them.

    “Before you ask, Kakari, I will show all of you how to use Fake Out,” The old man explained.

    He’s good.

    “If you will, Kakari,” he asked.

    Kakari rushed over and took his guard and stance before his instructor. Left leg forward, front hand nearly fully extended and back hand chambered on his chest. Knees bent, breathing light, and abdominals tight.

    Russel took his stance and began to pulse while explaining the technique, “You need to keep completely relaxed in order to be fast enough. You are aiming for speed, not power. Any tension in your body will ruin this technique.”

    Kakari nodded and kept his eyes fixed on his sensei’s, Sarah looked a little distant. She knew this technique already, but that wasn’t the problem.

    “Your legs need to push off suddenly to close distance and to come into your opponents range. Then, both hands need to strike to the side of the head, the ears are better. This strike needs to be relaxed and snappy. Again, no tension, got it?”

    “Hai,” The Hoia chanted.

    “Good, practice with your partners.”

    Kakari turned to Mienfoo. The cream coloured Pokemon was quite small compared to him. Its thin whiskers twitched, sensing air vibrations. Along its arms were loose red sleeves that were attached to its body. Above each of its eyes were two darker coloured spots.

    I can’t believe I’m stuck with this thing. Hell, if it was good enough for Dennis, there is no way it is good enough for me. I wonder if… OH CRAP!

    Mienfoo lunged forward, its springy legs extending like hydraulics. The Pokemon slammed its paws of each side of Kakari’s head, making a loud crack. The attack stunned the boy and for a moment he couldn’t see. He shook his head and the ringing and blindness faded, revealing a smug looking Mienfoo.

    “Very nice Mienfoo,” Russel commented, “That’s the way.”

    That’s the way? I can do way better than that. I’ll show that old fogey…

    Kakari jumped forward, his legs extending off the sand, the waves crashed as his hands slammed on the side of his partner Pokemon’s head with a dull thud. The Mienfoo seemed unfazed and rolled its eyes.

    “Not fast enough Kakari, relax,” warned Russel. “You are too tense.”

    “I was relaxed,” Kakari growled.

    Everyone stopped training and looked at him. Mienfoo looked embarrassed gazing distantly at the ocean waves. Sarah gave him a blank look as the light wind tossed about her golden hair.

    “You two.” Russel commanded. “Run to the far cliff and back. NOW!”

    Kakari and Mienfoo took off, unwilling to be in the presence of Russel’s wrath any longer. The sand was hard and easy to run on, the wind was pleasant and the sun was nearly at its highest. Kakari looked out on the sparkling bay. A few fluffy clouds paraded across the sky, but for the most part was deep blue.

    “Mein,” Mienfoo growled at Kakari as they ran.

    Kakari turned to his jogging Pokemon. It was staring straight ahead and its face was contorted angrily.

    “Oh yeah,” Kakari mused, “This is all my fault isn’t it.”

    They continued, leaving light footprints in the sand. Finally they were at the towering cliffs. They were massive and had jagged rocks lining them. Sharp rocks rose from the frothing swell beneath.

    “Mein… foo,” The Pokemon growled again.

    Kakari just sighed and focused on climbing onto the rocky plateau before the cliff wall. They slowed to a walk and both touched it. Then they turned around to meet a squeaky bark.

    A small circular Pokemon rolled over to meet them. It was icy blue and had tiny flippers. Its black beady eyes focused on Kakari as it barked again. “Spheaal! Spheaal!” It opened its mouth playfully and wiggled its tiny flippers. The Pokemon sure was cute. Mienfoo just watched it as it bounced and rolled around Kakari’s legs.

    It must be Walrien nesting season. I think they like using these cliffs to . . . oh sh**

    A blubbery mother clambered from its resting place behind a large rock. Its head reared up, revealing a large white frill and two yellow bacteria laden tusks. Its eyes were bloodshot and its massive body edged over the rock to see a stupid human standing uncomfortably close to its baby.

    “Run!” Kakari yelled.

    They began their retreat, Kakari kicked the Spheal aside. The Pokemon barked a few times as it bounced. Mienfoo was faster than Kakari, navigating its way back over the rocks and to the beach much faster than the Hoia.

    The Walrien advanced. It was nowhere near fast enough to catch them but it compensated. The Pokemon opened its mouth and unleashed a vicious ice beam that caught Kakari’s leg, freezing it between two boulders.

    The pain was sudden and numbness, followed by burning pain. The ice crystals stabbed into his calf muscle furiously. The boy yelled out in pain, causing Mienfoo to turn around. It continued running and disappeared from sight behind a large rock.

    I’m abandoned and trapped. This was not part of the plan, being crushed underneath the massive blubber of an overweight momma walrus. I was meant for more, I can’t believe it.

    The Walrien cast a long shadow over the Hoia as it approached. His heart doubled in pace. Tears began to well in his eyes as the harsh breathing of the Pokemon drew near. His body was twisted around, watching its advance, helpless.

    A massive wave crashed over the rocks and cast a rainbow against the sun, the tiny droplets of water refracting the light. Kakari decided it would the last thing he would see, then closed his eyes.

    He heard another wave, then Mienfoo crying loudly.


    Kakari turned around. The Mienfoo had sunk its foot deep into the Walrien’s fat, causing it to bellow, raising the alarm of dozens of other nesting Walrien. They too had bloodshot eyes and murderous expressions. They arose angrily from the warm rocks, their massive mouths wide and icy frills waving.

    Oh boy, now we have the whole pack after us. Did Russel do this on purpose? If he did…

    Mienfoo kicked off and back flipped away, finishing the U-Turn attack. The Walrien seemed unharmed, and opened its mouth firing a powerful Ice Beam. Mienfoo scurried away from the freezing laser, it followed her closely leaving a frozen trail in its wake.

    Run, run, run Menfoo! Please get me out of this, I can’t die here. I won’t die here.

    The other Walrien opened their mouths and fired ice beams, the Mienfoo dodged wildly but the criss-crossing attacks were becoming too much. One clipped her arm, sending her spiralling onto the ground.

    Get up! I’m begging you Arceus or whoever is in charge here, just get me out of this mess!

    Meditite jumped from a high rock, sinking a kick into the Walrien's neck. As it bounced off it somesaulted in the air to avoid incoming Ice Beams. The Pokemon landed on the balls of its feet and watched the Walrien keel over and faint in a large blue heap.

    The Poliwrath that accompanied it shot out of the water and tackled another Walrien, tossing it into frothy drink with an impressive vital throw. The rest of the Walrien scatter, taking their Spheals and sliding into the safety of the water.

    “Help!” Kakari yelled.

    Dennis, Russel and Sarah rushed to his aid. Russel hushed the young Hoia away as he stared hard at the ice trapping Kakari’s leg between the rocks. His eyes were so focused, it seemed as though not even a tsunami would have distracted him.

    Without warning, Russel’s hand shot out, fingertips smashing through the ice. Instantly Kakari’s leg was free. The boy lifted himself onto a higher rock and inspected the injury. His leg had been frozen from his mid-calf muscle down. The skin was a pale grey colour.

    I hope we don’t have to amputate, my career would be over . . .

    Sensei Russel scowled for a moment and reached into his pocket. What was revealed was a tooth brush sized grey box. He flipped it open and a large syringe was revealed. He immediately injected it into his frozen leg, the tip of the instrument buried deep into the flesh.

    Sarah flinched away with a flare of golden hair. Dennis was unfazed, if not annoyed.

    Annoyed that I am an inconvenience? Annoyed that I cost him his valuable training time?

    A strange tickling sensations flooded through Kakari’s leg. Within a few short seconds he could feel through it again, but it was still tender. The crisis had been averted completely.

    “Sensei,” Kakari asked, “What was that?”

    The old man turned to him, his bushy eyebrows raised for a second. “You don’t know?” He asked incredulously.

    Kakari shook his head.

    Of course I don’t know if I asked. And the seniors are complaining about the youth of the age?

    “It’s a Full Heal, for humans of course. It heals burns, poisoning, frostbite, artificial infatuation, disorientation, and induced sleep. They are important when you are living in such a secluded, yet Pokemon abundant place, like me.”

    Even though Kakari was looking at his Sensei, he could feel the eyes of Dennis and Sarah burning into his face from his peripheral vision. They were all thinking the same thing, but didn’t want to ask.

    “Why did they attack you Kakari?” The old man asked.

    The boy sighed and looked downward. It was embarrassing, and his cheeks showed it. They glowed a bright red that clearly wasn’t sun burn.

    “There was a Spheal and I…” He trailed off.

    Russel stood up, and helped Kakari to his feet. The look of understanding in his eyes was uncanny.

    Why are you so sympathetic to me. Have you disturbed a Walrien nest before Mr Sensei?

    “What’s done is done lad. Lets get back to training, I want to see that Fake Out performed perfectly.”


    Lunge forward. Relax.

    Arms out. Relax.

    Snap inwards . . .


    Dennis shook his head and stumbled back, his features screwed up.

    “Well done Kakari, that’s what we want to see.” Sensei Russel complimented. “Let’s head back, and make dinner.”

    The Hoia and their partners made their way back over the dark sand. The light of day had nearly faded. Red light shone almost parallel with the clear water of Keldio Bay.

    Dinner was the same as lunch and breakfast. Rice with meat. The steamy warm taste of the meal hit Kakari as he entered the dining room. They sat and ate, exchanging a few comments about the training session before washing up.

    Everyone pitched in. Sarah seemed the least happy about it.

    Maybe she is waited on hand and foot by people at home? I can imagine her, sitting on a throne, commanding orders to her underlings.

    “Hey, Slowpoke,” Sarah sighed, “Are you going to wash that dish or just stare into space for another half an hour?”

    I was right.

    Before we were about to go to sleep, the surfers appeared again. The three of them walking along the beach, their polished boards gleaming in the last beams of evening sunlight.

    Sarah rushed up to them and started talking frantically. She flicked her hair and acted very girly, which shocked Kakari. She wasn’t one to act like that. After she spent some time talking to them and doing something on her cell phone, she returned.

    Kakari exited the building and carefully closed the door behind him, confronting the girl. “What was that kiss this morning? And don’t say ‘think nothing of it’ because you were thinking.” Kakari interrogated.

    She laughed, a light tinkling sound, “Please. You should know of all people, when you make something seem unachievable it makes it even more unresistable.”

    What? Is she talking about the way she blew me off yesterday?

    “If I make the surfers believe I am with someone else, they become jealous. Thus , it is easier to get their numbers and-.”

    “You used me,” Kakari said.

    Sarah stepped around him, her bright eyes flashing back to him. “Don’t pretend you didn’t like it.”

    She closed the door, leaving Kakari feeling very stupid.


    My bed, is so warm. This sleeping bag is great, but it reminds me too much of that camping trip when I first arrived in Talimar. We forgot the stretchers, and the food and the tent. Ended up sleeping in the car and toasting marsh mallows on a small fire below the huge Terakion Mountains.

    Sensei said today is just a warm up, before we get into some serious training tomorrow. All I know is that I’m going to do my best, to become the Champion Hoia of Talimar.

    And Sarah? Not the Princess I was expecting, but a cunning military strategist. She is so smart, I mean . . . she outsmarted me! I hate being duped like that, no more trusting her, no matter how good she looks!

    Meditite gets on well with Mienfoo and that’s good to see. Hopefully Meditite doesn’t become a manipulative self serving Miltank like Sarah. The Pokemon seems to have some honour, maybe a sore loser at the worst.

    Dennis… well he’s proven to be just as I had expected. Average. Maybe he’s holding back, waiting to surprise us all. I’m more worried about that Poliwrath of his, saving my life and proving its worth at the same time.

    Meinfoo… I dunno. We seem sort of similar, being awesome and all. She has a funny sense of humour and is very brave. She risked her life for me, and I hardly know her. Would I have done the same?

    I don’t know.

    End Of Training Camp Day Two​

    Mienfoo’s eyes snapped open. A twig had broken outside, her sharp ears had picked it up. It was not an innocent sound, but a sound of somebody up to something.

    The Pokemon slipped off the top bunk, landing without a noise. She was careful not to wake the snoring boy, but it was a waste of time. He snored like a train wreck and could probably sleep through one too.

    She snuck through the ajar window to the back of the house. Above the surrounding foliage was a moonlit mountain range. The bay was barely audible, but she could still make out the faint rolling of waves.

    The night air was crisp and the leaves were quiet. The Mienfoo was determined to find the perpetrator of the noise. As she walked her eyes grew heavier, deep down the forest track. The noise-maker walked ahead, almost eager.

    Eventually the man ahead reached the stone tablet. He climbed on it, and stood. He was staring at the shape in the centre.

    The one that drew me to this place, the light that beckoned me.

    He seemed to want to just jump onto it, but his body was racked with sobs. Surely, he would have done it by now. Mienfoo guessed by the methodical way he walked here and the instant reaction to the tablet that he had done this many times before.

    “Mein.” Why are you crying?

    Sensei Russel turned around, alarm in his eyes.

    “Oh, its you.” He sniffed, wiping tears away from his wrinkled skin.

    He observed the Pokemon’s large questioning eyes. He sighed and knelt down on the cool tablet, Mienfoo huddled close to him for warmth.

    “My first partner you see… is a Pokemon called a Sawk. It died in the semi-finals of the Talimar Tournament. It was before Bug-Type moves were banned and a Heracross’s Megahorn attack pierced her heart.”

    Mienfoo could feel his sadness. She huddled close to the man, but kept her eyes up. She wanted to know more.

    “Even with the healing Pokemon at hand, she died. She was my best friend. Since then it felt like it would be an insult to her that I move on. It’s been fourty years, yet I still think about her every day.”

    Sensei Russel stood, carrying Mienfoo in his arms. The Pokemon nodded off to sleep on the way back. A small wet patch stained Russel's shirt as the Pokemon wept in its sleep.
    Last edited: May 27, 2011
  16. #1TransendTrainer


    Wow. Just wow. I like how Kakari got in trouble w/ the Walrein. Btw, Sawk r only male
  17. moonlightning

    moonlightning HANDLER <RETROTRET>

    thanks for your support transend trainer.

    in my universe there are females of the usual gender exclusives like hitmonchan sawk and so on. this is because it makes no sense that they would only reproduce with ditto.

    thanks for pointing that out!
  18. Breezy

    Breezy Well-Known Member

    Eh? If you want to be sarcastic, you might want to place quotation marks around “happily.”

    I get what you mean, but you can't pant out crisp sea air. You breathe it in.

    Trailed ... behind her? Change the comma to a semicolon.

    No need for the comma here.

    The period after “thanks” should be a comma. I went over this a bit more in my last review, but I'll do a quick refresher. Any “speech tag” before/after the dialogue that explains HOW the dialogue is being stated needs to be connected to the dialogue via a comma (if you're not using a question mark or exclamation mark, anyway).

    This is kind of a weird way to explain “asthma” (don't know if “athsma” is another way to spell it) since you have to switch to present tense to explain it. You could probably tweak it so you don't have to switch tenses.

    Ex) His breathing was normally fine but cold temperatures caused his asthma to act up.

    The sentence in bold isn't a complete sentence.

    Ex) Although they fought in friendly competition, a few heavier blows landed from time to time.

    I don't get what you're saying/describing here.


    Misspelled Meinfoo here.

    Missing an “a” between “was” and “toothbrush” (one word usually).

    Single tears are way too melodramatic. Mostly because, well, you usually don't cry one single tear (one tear may slip out of your eye if you're crying, but I bet the other eye is teary as well) and part because it's really, really overdone in melodramatic mediums, like soap-operas.

    This chapter was much, much better. You have a better handle on your narrative; Kakari's thoughts work really well with the third person; likewise, those thoughts really help develop his character. I can safely say that Sarah is one crazy, manipulative person (bahaha, chicks); you developed her quite well, too. Dennis is, like Kakari said, average, but described in that way purposefully so because, well, Kakari thinks he's average. But back to Kakari ... he is rather arrogant – in some ways, I'm not rooting for him because he is so cocky and, in ways, selfish – but you might be doing that on purpose. Hopefully, he grows up a bit (he kind of did – he at least thinks Meinfoo is “okay” for now at the end of day two) as the story progresses. I didn't know Kakari really disliked his pokemon that much (I knew he wanted a combusken) until you mentioned it in this chapter. I suppose you did that so the scene with the Walrein and Meinfoo's reappearance would trengthen their bond? I do like Meinfoo. She is a good balance to Kakari's character, as she doesn't really deal with his BS and is stubborn but loyal at the same time.

    The practice was executed well; I like your use of italics and sound effects in order to demonstrate what's going on instead of explaining it. It makes it a little more interesting and understandable in a way. Descriptively, you're doing much better as you seem to describe when it's purposeful to the plot, though you might want to try and work on setting detail. Some of it seemed bluntly placed. It would be nice if it flowed a little more better with the story.

    Overall, I like where this is headed. Again, it's a very creative premise, and I like all the small side plots you have woven into your story.
  19. moonlightning

    moonlightning HANDLER <RETROTRET>

    Thanks for your comments Breezy. I definately agree with the whole "single tear" thing. I guess I thought I simply couldn't make a cliche because of the invented nature of the story...

    Your corrections are helpful too, I'm embarrassed about them especially the food instead of foot.

    Thanks! I suppose it helps that I have done that practice for at least two years now, four to six days a week for three hours...

    Hehe, everyone seems to get angry with my pacing. I'll try and my beta's are on the case too. It did feel a little stunted when I read through it, so I edited some things. Obviously not enough right?

    (Yay for quoting out of context)

    Thanks, that is exactly what I was trying to achieve with this chapter. I think it helps that I wrote this chapter over a longer period of time giving me a chance to fully develop it and keep it interesting.

    (I usually write my chapters in one sitting. A habit I will gladly break for better quality.)

    Thanks Breezy, your comments are very valuable and inspiring!
  20. GastlyMan

    GastlyMan Ghost Type Trainer

    Sounds like me, except my asthma only acts up when I'm sick. Should be an interesting challenge for him.

    However, it does seem as if "gets" would be better replaced with "got" or "was" to remain consistent with past tense.

    *Let's (seeing as it's a contraction for "let us")
    Meinfoo (I think)
    Either change this to "A strange tickling sensation," or omit the "a" and leave it as "strange tickling sensations."

    Great chapter. I especially liked how Meinfoo saved Kakari from the Walrein. Maybe it'll change Kakari's opinion of her...

    I'll admit I don't like Sarah very much. The subplot she is involved with, though, should be quite interesting.

    Also, with the title...I believe it should be spelled "principles," not "principals," unless of course you were intending some sort of pun that I missed. :D "Principals" are at school; "principles" are fundamental concepts.

    Good job!

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