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Pokemon Megalution

-Espacio-

Well-Known Member
Ok, this is my first story and I really need tips on how to make it better. Also, the first chapter is rated G

Characters

Name: Oliver
Gender: Male
Age:10
Appearance: Brown hair, Light Blue shirt, Dark Blue scarf, and Light blue eyes.
Personality: Oliver is a shy, smart boy and he always wears his blue scarf.
Pokemon owned: Mimey (Mime Jr)

Oliver was born to Drew and May in the town of Mahogany. His parents want him to follow their steps and be a top coordinator, but Oliver really wants to be a traveler like the famous trainer Ash Ketchum who has collected all of the badges ever made. But Oliver doesn’t know exactly what he really wants to be yet. Then one day, something strange was invented. It was a machine that allowed pokemon to evolve to an alternate stage that wasn't even real. For example: With the machine, Houndoor could evolve into a Steel/Fire type Bulldog. A couple of days later,

Pokemon Megalution
~Chapter 1~


Gender: Male
Age:10
Appearance: Brown hair, Light Blue shirt, Dark Blue scarf, and Light blue eyes.
Personality: Oliver is a shy, smart boy and he always wears his blue scarf.
Pokemon owned: Mimey (Mime Jr)
Hometown: Oliver was born to Drew and May in the town of Mahogany. His parents want him to follow their steps and be a top coordinator, but Oliver really wants to be a traveler like the famous trainer Ash Ketchum who has collected all of the badges ever made. But Oliver doesn’t know exactly what he really wants to be yet. Maybe he will find out later…….


It was a clear, sunny morning in the Johto Region.

Everyone was happy. Ledyba flew peacefully in the sky with HootHoot and Noctowl.

Oliver was at the Lake of Rage sitting with his Mime Jr looking at the water.

Weedle and Caterpie played all day long.

When Oliver got up, the Weedle and Caterpie ran into the forest.

While he was standing, he took off his shoes, socks, scarf, and light blue shirt. He put the on a bench and then he jumped in with Mimey

“Splash fight Mimey!”

“Mime, Mimey!” The pokemon was filled with joy. Mimey loves to play in the water.

The two played and splashed for a while. Then they got out.

Oliver got out and walked over to the bench to get his clothes. As Oliver got dressed, Mimey shook all around like a dog, trying to dry off.

“Hey, look at all of the Remoraid Mimey!”

“Mime” Mimey stared in awe as the Remoraid swam by.

“I sure would love to catch one! Let’s go home to get some pokeballs Mimey”

As they walked home, a mysterious man in a black suit jumped out of the bushes. He was carrying a metal device attached to his arm.

“Did you here that Jason? We can test our DNA Mixer on the Remoraid.”

“Yeah, I heard boss. Let’s hurry before that brat comes back”

Back at Oliver’s House…………

“Hey Mom, Mimey and I found a lot of Remoraid at the Lake Of Rage while we were swimming”

“That’s nice honey, did you catch one?”

“No, I forgot to bring my pokeballs”

“Oh, that’s too bad. Maybe you’ll get one later”

“Yeah, I hope that they are still there. Mom, where is dad? I need to borrow some of his pokeballs.”

“I think he’s out back”

Oliver walked back outside and went around to the back. There, he saw his dad gardening with his Roselia. Next to Roselia there was a dark blue pokemon with long leaves on its head. It was an Oddish that was also helping Oliver’s dad.

“Hey dad, I found some Remoraid and I was wondering if you could give me some poke balls.”

“Sure Oliver, I’ll get them”

The tall-green haired man stood up to grab the red and white balls from his pocket

“Ah, here they are. 5 brand new pokeballs”

“Thanks dad!”

Oliver ran as fast as he could back to Lake of Rage. When he finally got there, he watched The Commander use his DNA Machine.

“Let’s do this! DNA Mixer, ON!”

He aimed it at one of the Remoraid. The Remoraid’s body turned all white, but you could see its DNA inside of it. It turned all purple, then blue, and then all of it turned white. The Remoraid started to get bigger and bigger. Then when it stopped glowing, it was a new pokemon. A giant blue squid stood there.

“Yes, it works!! I’ll name this one, Druid.”

“Oh my gosh, Who are these guys, and what did they just do to that Remoraid! Come on Mimey, we have to stop this”

What will happen. Will the Commander take the Druid? Or will Oliver stop him in time?? Find out in Chapter 2 of Pokemon Megalution!​
 
Last edited:

-Espacio-

Well-Known Member
It's pretty good...but you forgot to use punctuation on some of them

Thanks, oops. I'll fix it now

Also; Mimey can talk??
Yeah, he uses his Psychic powers to communicate with humans

Also, it's kinda short.

Most of the chapters might be short if they don't have battles in them. Right now it's late and I can think very well, so I'll write chapter 2 tomorrow
 

Yami Ryu

Well-Known Member
Most of the chapters might be short if they don't have battles in them. Right now it's late and I can think very well, so I'll write chapter 2 tomorrow

No they're short because instead of deciding to flesh them out, you made the story come off as a tacky script fic, as you barely described enough to make this a fic, considering THERE IS MORE DIALAUGE aka SPEAKING then descriptions of pokemon and human characters, emotions and what's going on- and what is there is rushed. This would barely fly by as a prologue, but never as a first chapter. Add to that it's short and rushed and well.

Go read Advice for Aspiring Authors and the Rules :/

Characters

Name: Oliver
Gender: Male
Age:10
Appearance: Brown hair, Light Blue shirt, Dark Blue scarf, and Light blue eyes.
Personality: Oliver is a shy, smart boy and he always wears his blue scarf.
Pokemon owned: Mimey (Mime Jr)

This does NOT exclude you from describing the character in the story, infact it makes it appeare even more tacky by doing so :/ and the appearence and personality is a far cry from great or shining originality at best.

Oliver was born to Drew and May in the town of Mahogany. His parents want him to follow their steps and be a top coordinator, but Oliver really wants to be a traveler like the famous trainer Ash Ketchum who has collected all of the badges ever made. But Oliver doesn’t know exactly what he really wants to be yet. Then one day, something strange was invented. It was a machine that allowed pokemon to evolve to an alternate stage that wasn't even real. For example: With the machine, Houndoor could evolve into a Steel/Fire type Bulldog. A couple of days later,

Oh wow. Oh interesting. :/ oh god that sounds like a shitty evo for Houndour- and poorly described and well. Snubull already evolves into the Bulldog of the pkmn world- Granbull. If it's not even real also, how do the pokemon evolve? Are they twisted and tortured painfully as their DNA is ****ed about with and recombined forcing them to evolve into something so horrible it should never be seen at all?

Sorry but yeah your strange machine isn't so interesting either :/

Yeah, he uses his Psychic powers to communicate with humans

That usually takes years of hard training, dilagince and also the other person being a psychic- as I don't think it's very common for pkmn to speak so easily. Look at Meowth, learning to speak forced him to be unable to learn ANY new moves, so I think it does have a toll on the average every day pokemon.
 
Last edited:

ivan

New Member
It does need more dialoge. It's pretty cool how mime jr. can commonicate mentaly. it is a good job for your first story.
 

-Espacio-

Well-Known Member
Quote:
Most of the chapters might be short if they don't have battles in them. Right now it's late and I can think very well, so I'll write chapter 2 tomorrow

No they're short because instead of deciding to flesh them out, you made the story come off as a tacky script fic, as you barely described enough to make this a fic, considering THERE IS MORE DIALAUGE aka SPEAKING then descriptions of pokemon and human characters, emotions and what's going on- and what is there is rushed. This would barely fly by as a prologue, but never as a first chapter. Add to that it's short and rushed and well.

Go read Advice for Aspiring Authors and the Rules :/


Quote:
Characters

Name: Oliver
Gender: Male
Age:10
Appearance: Brown hair, Light Blue shirt, Dark Blue scarf, and Light blue eyes.
Personality: Oliver is a shy, smart boy and he always wears his blue scarf.
Pokemon owned: Mimey (Mime Jr)

This does NOT exclude you from describing the character in the story, infact it makes it appeare even more tacky by doing so :/ and the appearence and personality is a far cry from great or shining originality at best.


Quote:
Oliver was born to Drew and May in the town of Mahogany. His parents want him to follow their steps and be a top coordinator, but Oliver really wants to be a traveler like the famous trainer Ash Ketchum who has collected all of the badges ever made. But Oliver doesn’t know exactly what he really wants to be yet. Then one day, something strange was invented. It was a machine that allowed pokemon to evolve to an alternate stage that wasn't even real. For example: With the machine, Houndoor could evolve into a Steel/Fire type Bulldog. A couple of days later,

Oh wow. Oh interesting. :/ oh god that sounds like a shitty evo for Houndour- and poorly described and well. Snubull already evolves into the Bulldog of the pkmn world- Granbull. If it's not even real also, how do the pokemon evolve? Are they twisted and tortured painfully as their DNA is ****ed about with and recombined forcing them to evolve into something so horrible it should never be seen at all?

Sorry but yeah your strange machine isn't so interesting either :/


Quote:
Yeah, he uses his Psychic powers to communicate with humans

That usually takes years of hard training, dilagince and also the other person being a psychic- as I don't think it's very common for pkmn to speak so easily. Look at Meowth, learning to speak forced him to be unable to learn ANY new moves, so I think it does have a toll on the average every day pokemon.


Ok, geez I get it. I need to work harder on it. I'll add more to the first chapter.

Thanks Ivan. I really worked hard and tried to make it good for my first story. I updated chapter one. I think its a lot better:


Gender: Male
Age:10
Appearance: Brown hair, Light Blue shirt, Dark Blue scarf, and Light blue eyes.
Personality:
Oliver is a shy, smart boy and he always wears his blue scarf.

Pokemon owned: Mimey (Mime Jr)
Hometown:
Oliver was born to Drew and May in the town of Mahogany. His parents want him to follow their steps and be a top coordinator, but Oliver really wants to be a traveler like the famous trainer Ash Ketchum who has collected all of the badges ever made. But Oliver doesn’t know exactly what he really wants to be yet. Maybe he will find out later…….



It was a clear, sunny morning in the Johto Region.

Everyone was happy. Ledyba flew peacefully in the sky with HootHoot and Noctowl.

Oliver was at the Lake of Rage sitting with his Mime Jr looking at the water.

Weedle and Caterpie played all day long.

When Oliver got up, the Weedle and Caterpie ran into the forest.

While he was standing, he took off his shoes, socks, scarf, and light blue shirt. He put the on a bench and then he jumped in with Mimey

“Splash fight Mimey!”

“Mime, Mimey!” The pokemon was filled with joy. Mimey loves to play in the water.

The two played and splashed for a while. Then they got out.

Oliver got out and walked over to the bench to get his clothes. As Oliver got dressed, Mimey shook all around like a dog, trying to dry off.

“Hey, look at all of the Remoraid Mimey!”

“Mime” Mimey stared in awe as the Remoraid swam by.

“I sure would love to catch one! Let’s go home to get some pokeballs Mimey”

As they walked home, a mysterious man in a black suit jumped out of the bushes. He was carrying a metal device attached to his arm.

“Did you here that Jason? We can test our DNA Mixer on the Remoraid.”

“Yeah, I heard boss. Let’s hurry before that brat comes back”

Back at Oliver’s House…………

“Hey Mom, Mimey and I found a lot of Remoraid at the Lake Of Rage while we were swimming”

“That’s nice honey, did you catch one?”

“No, I forgot to bring my pokeballs”

“Oh, that’s too bad. Maybe you’ll get one later”

“Yeah, I hope that they are still there. Mom, where is dad? I need to borrow some of his pokeballs.”

“I think he’s out back”

Oliver walked back outside and went around to the back. There, he saw his dad gardening with his Roselia. Next to Roselia there was a dark blue pokemon with long leaves on its head. It was an Oddish that was also helping Oliver’s dad.

“Hey dad, I found some Remoraid and I was wondering if you could give me some poke balls.”

“Sure Oliver, I’ll get them”

The tall-green haired man stood up to grab the red and white balls from his pocket

“Ah, here they are. 5 brand new pokeballs”

“Thanks dad!”

Oliver ran as fast as he could back to Lake of Rage. When he finally got there, he watched The Commander use his DNA Machine.

“Let’s do this! DNA Mixer, ON!”

He aimed it at one of the Remoraid. The Remoraid’s body turned all white, but you could see its DNA inside of it. It turned all purple, then blue, and then all of it turned white. The Remoraid started to get bigger and bigger. Then when it stopped glowing, it was a new pokemon. A giant blue squid stood there.

“Yes, it works!! I’ll name this one, Druid.”

“Oh my gosh, Who are these guys, and what did they just do to that Remoraid! Come on Mimey, we have to stop this”

What will happen. Will the Commander take the Druid? Or will Oliver stop him in time?? Find out in Chapter 2 of Pokemon Megalution!
 

Yami Ryu

Well-Known Member
...

D:

you think you can fool me with small writing, more speech and noob sarcasm!? D<

You ****ing ignored what I said in my first post, you obviously did not read the advice thread, and all you did was add more speech, did you describe things? No. Did you flesh this out and make it feel less rushed? No. ALL YOU DO IS HALF *** IT :/ stop it now, and listen to the advice I gave you. You have not improved your chapter. At all.
 

Yami Ryu

Well-Known Member
... it took you an hour to basically leave a chapter unedited outside of a few small things.

Sorry but even my fastest chapters take atleast 5 hours from start to finish :/ unless it''s for a short story but well, even then I have description and crap you left out.

Before said:
While he was standing, he took off his shoes, socks, scarf, and light blue shirt. He put the on a bench and then he jumped in with Mimey

“Splash fight Mimey!”

“Mime, Mimey!” The pokemon was filled with joy. Mimey loves to play in the water.

The two played and splashed for a while. Then they got out


After said:
While he was standing, Oliver started to undress, taking off almost everything, leaving only his trousers on, telling Mimey he was almost done, he gathered up his clothing quickly and hastily placed them onto a bench before turning and darting for the water. Mimey gave a cry of joy when Oliver splashed heavily into the liquid from the leap he'd taken. Getting an idea, Oliver grinned before declaring: “Splash fight Mimey!”

And with that he slapped a hand across the water, spraying his pokemon once more.

“Mime, Mimey!” The pokemon cried out with joy, for he loved water and loved playing with it, before he too attempted to splash the human boy in return.

The two continued to splash eachother for a while in their antics untill finally they grew too tired and with reluctance at abandoning their fun, left the lake to dry off, or get dressed in Oliver's case.

:/ there now you flippin see the difference?
 

ø®ΑпGЗ ♠

Well-Known Member
Your paragraphs are too short and choppy, and get rid of the profile please. Paragraphs are more than one sentence, although dialouge is sometimes an exception.

The ending to the chapter is very crappy. I would assume that a good reader would ask those questions anyway.
 
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