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Pokemon Mystery Dungeon--Gemstone (PG 13)

Discussion in 'Fan Fiction' started by sweet_piplup123, Oct 4, 2008.

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  1. sweet_piplup123

    sweet_piplup123 I lost the game?!?!

    Unbelivable...after reading heaps of fanfic I decided to start on my own...my 1st ever fanfic. Man,I am still feeling nervous posting this...

    Title? Well all the other names I thought up were crap and only this one fits in with the plot.

    This is rated PG 13 because it will contain coarse language like the S-word and the F-word. Also there will be minor violence.

    Well, sit down, grab some snacks and enjoy, I guess?

    EDIT: Wow...it's been over 6 months and yet this fic survived. Gosh, I call that an achievement. ^_^

    Quick links (just in case):
    Prologue
    Chapter 1--Stolen Family Heirloom
    Chapter 2--Help!What happened to me?
    Chapter 3--Beach Cave Showdown!
    Chapter 4--A Sleepover
    Chapter 5--The Guild With a Smile!
    Chapter 6--Team Gemstar's First Mission
    Chapter 7--The Scale Thief
    Chapter 8--Gasp! The Battle Had Begun!
    Chapter 9--Complications
    Chapter 10--Getting Back on Track
    Chapter 11--It's a Perfectly Normal Day...Or is It?
    Chapter 12--Storytelling
    Chapter 13--Abducted!
    Chapter 14--A Storm is Brewing...
    Chapter 15--Survival
    Chapter 16--???
    Chapter 17--???

    PM list (give me a Visitor's Message and I'll add you onto it :)):
    ashds
    TurtwigFan1
    The Big Al
    Kindrindra
    CrystalGuard2
    Master of All
    FocusPresenceEndurance
    Torpoleon
    Mi10ticFan
    Jayhennessy
    pokemon special
    Shadow XD001
    legandlover989
    Piplup-Luv
    Snostar

    Pokemon Mystery Dungeon--Gemstone​


    Prologue
    It was a sunny Friday afternoon. But also the last day of school!

    In the hot and stinky maths classroom, A girl was seen sitting on the chair and glancing at her purple digital watch. Her name was Jenny. She had long black hair; a few pimples on her face that she never bothered to notice and her eyes were the colour of dark chocolate. She wore a white blouse and a dark green checker skirt, which was her school uniform.

    Any second now…thought Jenny as she continued her countdown, completely ignoring the other students chatting about their plans for the holidays.

    “I am going to USA!” said one of the female students.

    “Lucky…I am staying at home…” said another, sounding disappointed.

    “Come over to my house if you want!” said a third voice.

    Suddenly, the loud ‘ding-ring-ring’ was heard through out the school. As the bell stopped ringing, a deep male voice called out an announcement from the speaker system, “That’s the end of school, I wish you all have a happy holiday.”

    The teacher, a middle aged man with blonde hair and wearing a black and white striped T-shirt, packed up all his stuff from his desk and motioned the students out. Immediately, Jenny swung her black schoolbag onto her back and dashed out of the classroom, ignoring her classmates' complaints of her pushing and shoving.

    Finally! School is over! Jenny thought as she ran downstairs. Her school had six blocks, which were built in three rows. Each block has about 12 classrooms. At the front of the six blocks was the admin office. In front of the admin block is a big lawn with trees and some benches for sitting. The school gate was about 20 metres straight ahead from the admin office.

    Unfortunately for Jenny, her classroom was built at the far left of the school, meaning she had to run fast in order to catch the bus.

    “Hey Jenny! Slow down!” shouted a fellow student from her class.

    “You want to marry the bus or something?” yelled Draco as he ran behind her. Draco was the most annoying boy in her class; he had red hair and a pair of piercing emerald eyes. He wore a white polo shirt and a pair of dark green shorts.

    As Draco finished his sentence, Jenny quickly turned around and glared at him, then she continued on running, her black hair flying behind her.

    Huff…I think I made it! Thought Jenny as she boarded the blue bus. A cool air blew from inside the bus as she sighed and wiped all her sweats off. Jenny then looked around and saw that the bus was almost empty.

    Oh yeah…last day of school…no wonder! Now I can get a seat! Thought Jenny joyfully. Normally, the bus would be so packed full of students Jenny often had to stand on the bus, which made it very uncomfortable as the trip home often involved lots of turns and uphills, causing her sometimes accidentally collapse onto someone.

    Happily, Jenny paid her bus fee and found a seat to sit down on. Then she leaned against the window and waited for bus to move.

    I guess I am early, by the looks of it, thought Jenny as she looked out the window and saw more students boarding the bus.

    After about five minutes, the bus finally moved. Jenny stared out of the window to look at the scenery, but after about minute she got bored looking at trees and buildings. So started imagining things; like what would happens if she won the lottery, or if witches really existed.

    The bus was moving slowly due to the fact there was a queue on the road. This annoyed Jenny, as she wanted to get home sooner. Especially when the boys sitting behind her started blowing her hair for fun.

    Better ignore them, thought Jenny as she tried to bear with the boys' bad breaths and their stupid giggling, if you ignore them, they will stop. Unfortunately, the boys did not stop, rather, it got worse when Draco started talking to her in really stupid accents.

    Just…ignore…them…

    “Hullo, I am I.P.Daly!” said Draco in a high-pitched voice, “And I am here to marry you Jenny!”

    Upon hearing that, all the other boys laughed.

    Stay…calm…thought Jenny as she clutched her fist, you already got into troubles with teachers for fighting that group of boys once, remember?

    Seeing as this wasn’t working, Draco then pulled out a ring made of twisted up toilet paper, kneeled down behind her and said, “Look…I’ve even got an engagement ring for you!”

    “Oooh!” the other boys started jeering, “An engagement ring!”

    Jenny couldn’t take it anymore, she turned around angrily and shouted, “Can you bunch of f***ing idiots just STOP IT?”

    "But all I really want was for you to marry me,” he added in a really fake and sweet voice.

    Jenny scrutinised Draco, who gave her a smile that could’ve normally charmed the other girls in her class. As Jenny was looking at Draco, some boys beside him teased, “Come on Jenny! You know you want to go out with him! After all, he’s rich!”

    Slowly, Jenny reached into her bag and took out a pink lunchbox. She grasped the handle and smirked at him. Before Draco could say anything, Jenny swung her lunchbox into the air and smacked it down on Draco’s head.

    “Ohh! Rejection!” teased the other boys as Draco looked at Jenny with a bewildered expression.

    “Come on Draco,” said Jenny sarcastically, “If you’re rich, then come back with a diamond ring instead of this piece of crap,” she took the toilet paper ring out of Draco’s hand, threw it out of the window, and turned her back against the boys.

    If I ever win the lottery, I would buy a laser gun and seriously exterminate that group of boys, thought Jenny as she put her lunchbox away.

    All of a sudden, there was a screeching tyre noise to be heard. Jenny was curious and looked out the window. A black ute came charging from the street on the left side of the road. Behind the black car was a white car with blue stickers on it that said “POLICE” and a red and blue light on top of the car.

    In the police car, a man wearing police uniform took out a megaphone, poked his head out of the window and shouted into the megaphone, “Lady in the black ute, I repeat, park your vehicle on the side and come out with your hands over your head. You can’t run forever!”

    The woman heard the warning and got really scared; unfortunately, her fear made her step on the accelerator way too hard, resulting her speeding towards the bus. A glass shattering noise was heard as the black ute smash straight into the bus, right at where Jenny was sitting.

    Jenny was thrown to the other side of the bus, and for a split second she saw this dark figure that strongly reminded her of something, before she smashed out of the window, bounced off the top of another car and landed on the right hand side of the road.

    Then, there was nothing.
     
    Last edited: Aug 2, 2011
  2. DTG6407

    DTG6407 BlackMelody

    Wow, that was awesome! I may just be easily amused, but the ending their caught me kind of off guard and felt disappointed at how it just ended.

    I'm not exactly the greatest when it comes to grammar or spelling or any of that, but using the word "and" in that sentance sounds like it fits better to me. I also took out somethings to make it flow better. I switched the two words, would and she, in the sentance after the semi-colon around.

    Other then those it looks pretty good to me! Intentivelly waiting for the first chapter.
     
  3. The Big Al

    The Big Al I just keeping Octo

    You've peaked my interest. Through, you could have given a little more description. This seemed more like a tag line than a prologue. Still, I'll be waiting to see what's in store for the first chapter.
     
  4. PokemonHero

    PokemonHero I can see the future

    Well, I certainly hope my appearance here isn't a surprise.

    Personally, I felt that the first part was really short, even for a prologue. I think for my story, it was something like 5 pages on Word. Now I'm not saying that it has to be that long, but this seems more like a basic shell rather than a complete chapter.

    I would have tried to flesh it out some more. Add more descriptions about Jenny, the bus, the other people, etc. Have Jenny (who is obviously the protagonist in this story) interact more with everyone else. Or, if she isn't the type of person to interact with others, provide some sort of backstory that would explain why this is.

    Starting the story is certainly one of the hardest parts of writing a fan fic. A good prologue should, in my opinion, introduce the reader to one or more of the main characters in the story, give some sort of background to them, and foreshadow the events to come. This is especially important to something like a Mystery Dungeon fic if you decide to introduce the protagonist before he/she becomes a Pokemon.

    Now I'm not trying to be too harsh. This is your first fan fic after all. But still, I think if you are able to flesh it out more, this will become a more appealing fan fic for people to read. Try to think about that as you go on.

    I'll probably be around reading this, so expect some more from me. I hope that I was helpful.
     
  5. sweet_piplup123

    sweet_piplup123 I lost the game?!?!

    To DTG6407:Thanks...I wasn't expecting replies so soon...
    To both The Big Al and PokemonHero:I guess my prologue is too short,I'll make some adjustments.
    EDIT:Well...I added a few things,it's still short but this might give you an idea of Jenny's personality.
     
    Last edited: Oct 4, 2008
  6. Morgie04086

    Morgie04086 temperamental artist

    That was a pretty good prologue. The ending shocked me and I think it sounded a bit rushed; it could have used more description, but in all it's very interesting. I wonder where this story will go? I've always wanted to write a mystery dungeon fic but I never quite know where to start. This has inspired me just a little.
     
  7. Viva La Revolution

    Viva La Revolution frogguh PAWNCH!

    It was okay.

    There were a few grammatical mistakes, as well as a stringy sentence. "250km/h" should have been "250 miles an hour" or something like that; abbreviations - except for Mr., Ms., etc. - should not be in a fic. There was also the shortness - try to make it a bit longer. For example, instead of starting off as Jenny left the school, you could have started off while she was in her last class, the bell ringing, her going around the school to the enterance, and then bursting out of the school.

    As another example, she could have had to fight some other kids to get to that good seat first, not that it's just there. Having the best seat in the bus just sitting there vacant just doesn't happen in real life. Also, try to make the Jenny-boys interaction a bit longer. Is Jenny a short-tempered girl? If not, why did she lash out complete with F word just because some kids were playing with her?

    It's a good start, but it also seemed rushed; just because it's a prologue doesn't mean it can be a rushed piece with little to no description.

    Also, please don't be offended by my harshness - I really am interested in this story, and will probably follow.
     
  8. TurtwigFan1

    TurtwigFan1 burning it down

    It seems like a good story, but once again, I think it was a bit short. However, I am looking forward to the 1st chapter!
     
  9. sweet_piplup123

    sweet_piplup123 I lost the game?!?!

    Revised on 10/9/09.

    Chapter 1--Stolen Family Heirloom

    It was a perfect afternoon. The yellow sandy beach looked like a big chunk of gold from the sky. The weather wasn’t too hot or too cold, it felt just right. The waves frequently crash onto the beach, occasionally leaving behind a bunch of multi coloured shells and bubble forms.

    On the beach, there stood two figures: a tall pile of sand and beside it, a little penguin. The little penguin crossed her light blue flippers over and studied the pile of sand; she had piled up this heap of sand, originally intended for a sandcastle, but now that the pile of sand was as tall as she, she was having second thoughts.

    This could make a great sand sculpture, so who or what should I make? She pondered, her yellow beak forming a smile as she recorded the time when she was at a local art show. She remembered how magnificent all the artworks looked; especially a sand sculpture that was named “The Empress” made by a Swampert, which consisted of a proud-looking Empoleon.

    It was so romantic, how that Swampert made it in honour of his girlfriend. She thought, a beaming expression forming on her cute white face as she recounted the moment when the Swampert proposed to the Empoleon, everyone on the beach was cheering as the two lovers rejoice.

    An idea suddenly hit her, “I know!” she muttered to herself, “I could make…yes! That would be matching! Rosa, you’re a genius!”

    With a great idea in mind, Rosa set to work. She started by moulding some parts, and taking off any excess sand. It was slow and infuriating work, as the fact that some sand may fall off due to either lack of moisture or too much of it. Once she accidentally knocked over what seemed to be part of an arm with her dark blue cape, resulting in her fuming and cursing softly. However, she did not stop; she was determined to finish her art project no matter what happens.

    As she continued working, the sand sculpture started to take shape as Rosa continued to add more water or sand to avoid any part of the body falling off. As she had minimal distractions, it was easy for her to concentrate on making her sculpture.

    As she finished with the shape of the sculpture, she ran off to somewhere, only to return a few minutes later, panting and holding a stick in front of her. Relieved that no one had come and wreck her sculpture in her short absence, she continued working.

    “Careful now… you don’t want to wreck the whole thing…” she muttered under her breath as she started carving details on the sculpture. Keeping her flipper as steady as possible, she carved out what seemed to be two arches on the sphere that sat on top of the body—which presumably is the face.

    Eventually, she was able to breathe a sigh of relief as she admired at her artwork. It was a sand sculpture of a Piplup, just like herself; beside her left flipper was a staff made out of a carefully piled up column of sand. The sculpture was viewing the serene sea and the clear blue sky with a small smile on her face.

    “Wait… an artist has to have his or her name on the artwork somewhere,” said Rosa. She picked up her stick and wrote her name as neatly as possible on the sculpture’s left foot. Looking at the statue proudly, she sat down in front of it, pretending that the sculpture was her friend.

    But still… she looked a bit plain, Rosa thought as she scrutinised the sculpture closely, maybe a little decoration? Rosa hopped up and walked towards the water. There were shells being washed ashore along the beach; some were white, some had tinges of pink on them… The list was endless. Rosa studies the shells for a few seconds before selecting a few that she liked and placing them neatly on the sculpture’s head.

    “There, a crown,” said Rosa happily, “Oh! And this might make her look nobler…”

    Rosa took off a gemstone that she has been wearing around her neck and put it around the sand sculpture’s neck. The gemstone was cut in a diamond shape; it had red on one side and blue on the other. There was a curve in the middle, separating the two colours.

    “Perfect! I’ll name it The Piplup Princess!” said Rosa happily as she wrote the name of the sculpture on the sculpture’s right foot, right beside where her name was.

    A lizard-like Pokémon walked by, who is holding his green tip paintbrush-like tail with his hand. As he was about to walk past, he stopped and started studying Rosa’s artwork like a professional critic, with his right hand on his chins.

    Rosa knew Smeargle loves anything artistic. “So what do you think?” she asked the Smeargle hopefully.

    “Hmm… the sand texture is well presented; I like the decorations too! Great work! Keep it up!” complimented the Smeargle. He then walked off with a smile on his face.

    Rosa felt very pleased with Smeargle’s comment. All that hard work really is worth it, she thought as she turned back on the sand sculpture, it’s not as good as “The Empress”, and I am not proposing anyone, but it’ll add a great touch to the beach scenery!

    “Geez, what a pile of junk,” said a voice.

    “You call that art, amateur?” another voice sneered.

    Rosa took her attention off her sculpture and turned around, three other Pokémon came into scene; in the middle was a cat with a pink, balloon-like tail that had three little ball things attached at the end of it. Her face was cream coloured, with two slitted eyes and a small mouth.

    “You guys? What do you know about art?” said Rosa, she knew the three, they were an exploration team called Team CBE.

    “Hmm… there are some details that need fixing… Rosa,” said the purple monkey who stood on the left side of the pink cat; he wore a mischievous expression on his face, but his most distinctive feature was the three-fingered hand at the end of his tail.

    Aipom pretended to study the sculpture for a moment, before a devilish grin flashed on his face. He took a few steps back; Rosa thought he was making further studies to her artwork until he started advancing forward, as if he was about to crash into the sculpture.

    “Stop!” Rosa yelled, as she was about to stop Aipom, but someone had crept up behind her and pulled her back. Aipom then spun around, swiping his tail at the sculpture, making the top half collapsing into a pile of ugly wet sand; the decorations were scattered in random directions: some half buried, some flew onto the dry sand.

    “Woopsies,” said Aipom, with a huge grin on his face.

    “My sculpture!” Rosa cried out in shock as she picked up a shell, “How… how could you…? I worked for hours on it!”

    “Come on, let’s face it, that sculpture gives me an eyesore,” snorted Skitty.

    “You… you bullies!” shouted Rosa as she clenched the shell tightly in her flipper.

    “That’s not very nice,” said a different voice. Rosa spun around; standing behind her was a yellow rodent with black stripes on his back, and like his two partners, he also had a strange-looking tail, which closely resembled a lightning bolt.

    “Yeah… we’re only getting rid of an eyesore for everyone’s good…” said Aipom… He was about to tell Rosa that sand sculptures don’t last long anyway when he saw a gleam in the sand. A greedy look formed on his face as he picked up the gemstone by the string with his tail.

    “Ooh! What do we have here?” said Aipom, tossing it up and down with his tail.

    “Oi! Give it back!” yelled Rosa angrily.

    “Nice gemstone, could be sold for a high price,” said Aipom as he held up the gem in the sunlight. As the gem gleamed, Aipom’s mouth watered with great delight.

    “This is MY family heirloom! Give it back!” bellowed Rosa again as she tried to grab it, but Aipom swiftly moved his tail around, toying with Rosa as if she was a cat trying to catch a piece of string.

    “Oops, missed again,” said a smirking Aipom. Rosa eventually backed down, giving the trio deathly looks.

    “Rosa, how can you prove that it is yours? We picked it up so it could be anyone’s,” said Skitty in an “I am very wise” voice.

    “Because, Skitty, I put it on my sculpture that your friend just ruined!” gritted Rosa, who is about to explode.

    “That still doesn’t prove anything,” said Pikachu casually, coming into Skitty’s defence, “You could’ve picked it up and it might be someone else who had dropped it on the beach.”

    “You want proof?” yelled Rosa, “Well let me tell you something: my
    grandma… she gave it to me after my parents’… my parents’ death! Do you hear me?!” she panted heavily after blurting all of it out.

    “Okay, whatever,” said Pikachu before continuing on with a mocking expression on his face, “We’ll give it back when you return with 600 poké that you’ve owe us.”

    “I thought you were happy with that Shiny Box I gave you!” said Rosa; her explosion was replaced with shock. How could anyone be so greedy? She thought.

    “Well that Shiny Box only have a Wonder Gummi in it, and I can’t split it between us three,” Skitty answered, before turning to her two teammates and said, “Come on guys, let’s not waste anymore time with this little brat who can’t even pay for a measly 600 Poké.”

    “Agreed,” said Pikachu and Aipom unanimously.

    The trio were walking away when a stream of bubbles hit Aipom, causing him to drop the gem in surprise; he turned and saw an enraged Rosa waddling towards him, shouting, “You are not getting away with this!”

    With quick thinking, Aipom swiftly swiped his tail on the sand and picked up the gem before tossing it to Skitty casually. Skitty jumped up and caught the gem by the string attached to it. She wrapped the string around her front right limb before gripping on it tightly.

    “So you want to fight eh?” said Skitty with a smirk, “Well team, let’s show her what Team CBE’s truly made of!”

    As if on cue, Aipom and Pikachu both launched into action, leaving two trails of white energy behind. A confused Rosa dived at the ground in front of her, narrowly missing both attacks. Pikachu and Aipom ended up colliding together, both thrown backwards at the force. Rosa got up as quickly as she could and advanced towards Skitty.

    “You idiots,” muttered Skitty quietly as she shifted to the left to avoid Rosa’s rampage. Realising that the trio are all faster than her, Rosa decided to aim carefully before attacking any of them. She summoned up her power and produced a stream of bubbles, aiming directly at Skitty, but before it hits, the trio somehow switched their positions in the blink of an eye, and Rosa’s attack ended up hitting Pikachu instead.

    “What the…”

    “Alright Skit, let’s try our special trick!” Aipom called out.

    Skitty muttered something in annoyance before motioning one of her limbs at Pikachu. The three began walking around Rosa in circles. Rosa stood firm on the ground as she tried to keep her eyes on her three opponents, but inside her, she was oblivious to what Team CBE is about to do.

    Suddenly, in the blink of an eye, Aipom disappeared and stood in his place was Pikachu, and Skitty, who was standing at Rosa’s right, vanished into thin air, only to be replaced by Aipom. In confusion, Rosa began to panic as she shook her head side to side, desperately to see where Skitty had disappeared. Then, Skitty’s yell came out of nowhere; Rosa turned around to react, only to be slapped several times on the face by Skitty’s tail.

    Due to the dizziness by Skitty’s Doubleslap attack, Rosa started swaying on the spot whilst holding one of her flippers on the side of her head.

    “Go for it, comrade!” Aipom shouted as he swiped his tail to give Pikachu a friendly slap on the back. A bit stupid, really, as he accidentally slapped Pikachu too hard and made him toppling over to the ground.

    Pikachu got up as fast as he could, just in time to see a still dizzy Rosa stumbling towards him. Seizing his chance, he began focusing as he screwed his eyes tight, the red pouch on either side of his cheek began to crackle with sparks.

    “Pika…chuuuuu!” he cried out; a charge of electricity shot out of Pikachu’s back and hit Rosa directly. The shock flew through Rosa like quick poison and paralysed her muscles, causing her a full body paralysis. Skitty then rammed into her, sending her crashing onto the sand. Rosa tried to get up again, but no matter how many times she told herself to move, her body just won’t obey her.

    A triumphant Aipom strolled over and peered down at Rosa like a tyrant looking down at his victims, “Never mess with Team CBE!” he warned.

    “Because we’re cute but evil!” Pikachu called out.

    “Weak!” shouted Skitty in a singsong voice, tossing the gemstone up and down.

    Team CBE then marched off, laughing and joking at Rosa’s pathetic attempt.

    Several minutes later Rosa felt her muscles loosen. She slid her flipper in the sand and found herself being able to move again. Slowly, she sat up and rubbed her head. With Team CBE nowhere in sight, she got up and began searching around the beach for their presence, but to her disappointment, all she could found were three set of footprints leading towards a cave in the distance.

    “Cowards! Rotten b*****ds!” she shouted towards the cave in great frustration. No answer came out. She continued shouting at the cave for a few more times before turning away and burying her flipper in her face.

    “Oh… what am I going to do? Grandma will be SO cross…” cried Rosa. She knew that even if she did manage to run into Team CBE in the cave, she would be greatly outnumbered again. A tearful Rosa began to seek around the beach for any help available. She walked a few steps before breaking into a run, and accidentally tripped over a rock, resulting in her falling flat on her face.

    “Stupid rock!” cursed Rosa angrily as she got up, she screwed up her eyes before releasing her anger by kicking the rock twice, “Get the crap out of my way!”

    “Ow! That hurts… stop it already…” a voice moaned.

    At the sound of the voice, Rosa immediately stopped with the waterworks. Rocks don’t talk! She thought, Or was I kicking at a Geodude, Pokémon who often makes themselves look like rocks? But they hate being near the water… so… what was I kicking?!

    Rosa took a peek at the “rock” she was kicking at, her eyes then widened in horror as she started screaming like a banshee.

    TBC...

    (Urk, stupid 500 internal server errors >.< I had to change this specific word in order to make this work...)
     
    Last edited: Sep 10, 2009
  10. The Big Al

    The Big Al I just keeping Octo

    It could stand a little more description and I noticed you mixed tenses a bit. Piplup also has flippers, not fins. I might also suggest you make the main characters look a little different from the standard Pokemon just so they stand out a little more in people's minds. It's nothing major but it wouldn't hurt.

    Other than that, I really like this story. Any story with a Pikachu as the villain wins in my book. I also hate Aipom and Skitty with a passion so I'll be looking forward to when they get theirs.

    Rosa seems like a cute character and not the stereotypical Piplup too. I can't wait to see who she kicked.

    TTFN
     
  11. TurtwigFan1

    TurtwigFan1 burning it down

    It was a good chpater, quite short and I noticed that you spelt Smeargle as Smeagle. Overall, 6.5/10.
     
  12. sweet_piplup123

    sweet_piplup123 I lost the game?!?!

    To The Big Al: Haha thanks.Team CBE have to have cute Pokemons so those three came into my mind.
    To TurtwigFan1:dang the spelling,glad that you're still reading.
    To anyone who bothers to read my fanfic:I will gradually improve as I write more.I am still not used to writing long chapters.
     
    Last edited: Oct 8, 2008
  13. Viva La Revolution

    Viva La Revolution frogguh PAWNCH!

    I'm reading as well.

    i really liked this chapter, but I did notice the spelling mistakes. Also, the last line, "Rosa looked at the "rock" she was kicking and screamed like a banshee" was classic. xD
     
  14. sweet_piplup123

    sweet_piplup123 I lost the game?!?!

    To Viva La Revolution:Thanks. As for the spelling mistakes I fixed them all (I think...)
     
  15. sweet_piplup123

    sweet_piplup123 I lost the game?!?!

    Update to everyone who bothers to read my fanfic:
    I just finished editing Chapter 2 and I finished writing chapter 3.
    Chapter 2 will be up tomorrow because school's back on Monday and I won't have time to wait until Wednesday.
    As for chapter 3...it's probably the the longest chapter I've written...so far.
     
  16. sweet_piplup123

    sweet_piplup123 I lost the game?!?!

    Well, enjoy and please leave comments!
    Chapter 2--Help! What happened to Me?
    "Arrgh!!!" screamed Rosa and then she apologised, "I am so sorry! Are you alright?"

    Rosa is now looking at this unconscious Pokémon she had accidentally kicked twice at.

    "Wake up!" shouted Rosa, shaking the Pokémon.

    "Urrgh...I feel sick..." the unconscious Pokémon managed to open its eyes, turn its head, vomited on the side and looked up at Rosa.

    Rosa breathed a sigh of relief and said, "Phew! Nice to see you awake, Torchic."

    "Arrgh!" Torchic jumped up, she took a few step back and stared at Rosa like she was some sort of monster. Torchic was shocked.

    "You...can...talk...?!" asked Torchic, trembling. "Talking Pokémon?! What the fudge is this a joke?!"

    "Of coarse I can talk! Who do you think I am, an idiot?" Rosa fired her words at Torchic, "Anyway my name is Rosa and I am a Piplup. Glad to meet you."

    "I must be dreaming..." Torchic muttered, she closed her eyes and started shaking her head vigorously, "I am dreaming that I am talking to a Piplup named Rosa..." she opened her eyes again and there she was, the little penguin standing there, looking at her with great interest.

    "I must be dreaming...this is impossible..." muttered Torchic again. She still doesn't believe it.

    "No you're not dreaming Torchic, does this help?" said Rosa as she slapped Torchic hard on the face.

    "Ow! I guess it wasn't a dream then..." said Torchic, then she fired at Rosa annoyingly, "Do you have to slap me so hard? And why did you called me Torchic? My name is Jenny and I am a human! Geez."

    Rosa smiled a little, "Nice try, but I am not in the mood for jokes now, Jenny. Human only exists in books. You sure are one weird Torchic."

    "Stop calling me a Torchic! I am a human!" Jenny insisted.

    This time Rosa started to giggle, she likes Jenny's stubbornness. Rosa asked jokingly, "Well do you have five toes?"

    "Of course I ha..." Jenny stopped in mid-sentence; she looked down and found out that they are talons instead of human feets. Jenny looked at her reflection in the water and saw that she has orange body, yellow and black fur around its neck and a yellow crown on top of her head. Jenny was surprised and she started yelling out random things and swears, shocked at her new appearance.

    "Ok you can shut up now Jenny!" Rosa yelled about the noise, covering her ears, "You yell louder than a freaking blue big-mouthed Loudred!"

    Jenny stopped yelling but continues to panic, "But I am suppose to be a human, how did I become a Torchic..."

    Rosa interrupted, "Look, I don't know what you're talking about but it seems like you lost your marbles and you kept thinking you're a human..."

    "OF COARSE I HAVE PROBLEMS! I AM NOT SUPPOSED TO BE A TORCHIC! I DID NOT LOST MY MARBLES!!!" shouted Jenny loudly into Rosa's ears. Jenny can't believe it; this little Piplup thought she was talking gibberish.

    Rosa got angry at Jenny's impoliteness, she started shouting too, "YOU THINK YOU HAVE PROBLEMS?! WELL LISTEN TO THIS, MATE, I JUST GOT MY FAMILY HEIRLOOM STOLEN A FEW MINUTES AGO AND...AND..." Rosa could not finish her sentence, she started to cry again.

    Jenny calmed down, she realised that she's not the only one that have a big problem of her own, "Your family heirloom was stolen? Who stole it?" Jenny asked softly.

    "A...A bunch of bullies call...calling themselves Team...Team CBE," Rosa sniffled. "My...my grandma told me to look...look after it but...but I didn"t...now my grandma...will...will be very mad..."

    Jenny hates bullies, one mention of the word and she could give you a three hour lecture on how bullies a bunch of idiots etcetera, she said, "They are just bullies, you'll get your family heirloom back."

    "Thanks...but they...they are too strong...too strong for me," sniffled Rosa, then said, "One of them, Pikachu...I...I am weak against it...it's an ele...electric type Pokémon. The leader, Skitty said she'll sell it...sell it for a high price and...and I'll never see...see it again..." as she leaned on Jenny's shoulders she cried harder. Jenny nearly fell over, she got a bit surprised by Rosa's reaction.

    "So? I'll help you take down this Team CBE!" said Jenny as she patted Rosa's back, pulling Rosa off her shoulders and then added encouragingly, "Bullies will be afraid of us if we stand up to them! Besides, this is your family heirloom we're talking about, you have to get it back!"

    "You will?" asked Rosa, she stopped crying but she still have the hiccups. Rosa had never expected such an offer from a stranger before.

    "Sure!" said Jenny, thinking, but only because I have nowhere to go, and I need to know what happened to me.

    Rosa wiped her tears, "Alright, I have to be brave!" Rosa pounds her chest, "This is my family heirloom and Team CBE will not get away without a fight!"

    "That's the spirit!" said Jenny, glad that she cheered Rosa up, "So where did Team CBE head off after they stole your family heirloom?"

    "Beach Cave, it's only about a few metres from here," said Rosa, pointing to a cave in the distance.

    "Alright then! Off we go to the Beach Cave!" said Jenny.

    Rosa smiled, she was glad that she met Jenny.

    Rosa started leading Jenny to Beach Cave. Jenny was happy to help someone in need. Then for a split second she realised something important.

    What am I suppose to do?! I don't know a thing about fighting other Pokémons! Nice work Jenny, you offered help yet you don't know what to do yourself. Jenny was furious at herself, she wants to beat up Team CBE so badly for being so mean to Rosa yet she doesn't know how to fight them. But then, maybe watching Rosa might help...after all, she is a Pokémon.

    "We're here!" said Rosa, waking Jenny from her thoughts.

    Jenny looked around, they were at the entrance of the Beach Cave. It looked pretty dark inside. The ground is covered in wet sand and the walls are brown with the smell of seawater.

    "We better hurry," said Rosa, "We can't let them escape!"

    Gulp. Who knows what waits for us inside, Jenny thought, can we reach Team CBE on time? Will they beat me up badly? Plus, what will I do if I succeed? Will I ever turn back into a human again? Urgh...I think too much...

    Jenny tries to shake off those thoughts as she enters Beach Cave.

    TBC...
     
    Last edited: Oct 13, 2008
  17. The Big Al

    The Big Al I just keeping Octo

    An interesting take that humans are only the stuff of lore.

    Not much happened except Jenny discovers she's Pokemon and they started after Team CBE (which I still say is the best evil team ever).

    The plural for Pokemon is Pokemon by the way.

    The description could be more detailed but its enough for me to paint a mental picture of what's going on. You're also still inconsistent with your tenses (you're mixing present tense with past tense).

    Other than that; this was a good chapter to introduce Jenny the Torchic.
     
  18. sweet_piplup123

    sweet_piplup123 I lost the game?!?!

    Yeah...sorry,I am not so great on tenses...it's still a bit confusing for me.
    *now checking if chapter 3 have the right tenses*
    EDIT:Everyone...I just read all these other fanfics and I know mine is like only half as long,I am still improving and to tell the truth I haven't even turn 14 yet...
    Does age make a difference I wonder?
    Oh and as for now on I will be mostly using present tenses.
     
    Last edited: Oct 12, 2008
  19. TurtwigFan1

    TurtwigFan1 burning it down

    A good chapter! Short again, but age doesn't matter, I'm only 12! There were some spelling mistakes such as coarse instead of course. 7.5/10.
     
  20. sweet_piplup123

    sweet_piplup123 I lost the game?!?!

    0_0 I guess I am just not used to writing long articles...sigh...looks like if I ever want to interest people I'll have to fix up the billion mistakes I've been making.
    Anyway...I am revealing Chapter 4 title.
    Thanks to everyone who read my fanfic, expect major improvements soon!
     
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