Pokemon Mystery Dungeon--Gemstone (PG 13)

[Kindrindra]

Okay, that chapter was super awsome pwnage... the only thing I was a little picky about was how garvenvour called uxie a girl, when, in PMD2, Uxie's a boy, Mesprite's a girl... and they never say what Azelf is >.<


See Ya Later and AANC!

 

[FocusPresenceEndurance]

I agree with TurtwigFan1. The idea for the dojo was a good one. I found it weird, though, that Rattata and his mother were on the same team lol. I wonder how on Earth he convinced his mother to either let him on her team or let her on his team, and why she agreed to it in the first place.

But anyway, enough about that. Onto the reviewing. Again, its only minor mistakes. Nothing huge.

It was huge inside Infernape’s Dojo. The walls were painted in a bronze-red colour with the floor being a light green colour. On the right hand side of the room was this desk with a penholder, sheets of paper and a bell on it. Beside the desk was this big rectangular metal safe with a silver combination lock on it. On the opposite end of the room (from where Team Gemstar was standing), there were four doors with numbers one to four on them. Near door four, which was on the far right corner, there was a flight of stairs leading down.

"a"

The part in brackets isn't really necessary since we already know the story is being told from Team Gemstar's perspective.

“May I help you?” said a deep male voice, Jenny jumped; she turned around and saw Infernape looking at her. A majority part of his body were brown, except for his upper part of his body and the lower part of his leg, which were white; also, his hands and feet were blue, there were gold plates things on his shoulders, chest, wrists and knees; on his head was a big flame, burning proudly.

was
burned

This course focuses on the practise of teamwork. Exploration teams will be facing two to four opponents (opponents are either volunteers or an exploration teams)depends on how many members are on the team. To complete this course, the team has to win twenty battles.

What I've underlined should be deleted.
"depending"

This course does not have anything to do with type disadvantages. Rather, you maybe faced with up to six enemies at once. Good practise for when you face a monster house or facing more than one outlaw at once in real life situations. To complete this course, you have to win ten battles.

face

“No, you can do all the courses at once, if you wish, any other questions?”
Jenny asked, “So what happen if we finish all the courses?”

Nothing wrong grammatically here. I just thought I'd point out that there is a space missing between the two paragraphs.

Realising they need to put themselves together, Rosa fired a stream of bubbles at Rattata, sending him to the other side of the room. Jenny suddenly kicked up the dirt from the floor with her talon to blind her opponents. She then motioned her head at Rosa for her to attack. So Rosa ran towards Raticate (who was busy shielding her eyes with an arm) and pecked her several times. Oliver, who was still busy trying to get Dustox, realised that he was beginning to get tired from chasing Dustox around. When Dustox decided to use her aerial attack again, Oliver crossed his arms and produced a blue shield in front of him, causing the Gust attack hitting not only Oliver, but Dustox too. As Dustox was busy trying to recover from the attack, Oliver moved towards Dustox swiftly using Quick Attack and swiped his tails at her.

"needed"

“Nice one R…” Jenny was busy congratulating Rosa’s effort that she had forgotten about Rattata; he was about to bite Jenny on the head, but she quickly roll to the side to avoid his attack. Rattata got up and he was about to attack Jenny, but Rosa came charging and tackled Rattata to the wall. Dustox got angry and yelled something about Rattata and his mother being weak, which outraged both Rattata and Team Gemstar.

"rolled"

Meanwhile, Jenny attempted to get back on her foot, but as she got up, she swayed side to side like someone who had too much to drink, Rosa quickly waddled over to catch her, but she can’t support Jenny with only one flipper and Jenny found herself on the floor again. In the meantime, Oliver fired seeds from his mouth again, but Dustox surrounded herself in a green sphere to stop the attack from hitting her.

"couldn't"

“Now that was a strange act from Mister Gabite…” Rosa mumbled, “Oh well, who cares. Let’s head back to the guild before Smeargle get mad at us for being late for dinner.”

gets

That's all for now! In all, it was a good chapter. I liked the interactions between the members of Team Gemstar (an other characters). They have some interesting relationships going on there.

Keep up the good work!

 

[kinger810]

Nice chapter, I liked the Dojo idea. By the way were Rattata, Raticate, and Dustox(Jerk) on a team or are they just volunteers?

Count me in as one of the people who thought Emily was going to be the Empoleon .

And as expected Liam is the Grovyle from PMD2 which is cool. Yeah it really kinda ******* me off when Grovyle was left for dead at the end of PMD2, but looks like that will be addressed in PMD3 anyway.

 

[CrystalGuard2]

I just got a DS last week, then got Pearl two days later, but no Time or Darkness, so any PMD2 chat going on doesn't make sense to me. Could someone explain about the Grovyle in PMD2?
Anyway, the chapter was good, but you're still doing the past-present tense mix-up. Watch your grammar. It'll help.

 

[Jayhennessy]

CrystalGuardian2 Question

Sure, CG2!
See, your main character in PMD is a hero from the future, set on restoring peace to the world with his trusted pokemon partner, whom he needs to trigger his special ability 'The Dimensional Scream' Or, a clairvoyant sense that lets your character exerience short flashes of the past or near future.((Grovyle's position is later changed by your partner Pokemon.))
Anyways, your character gets attacked by Darkrai while time-travelling, so loses his memory and with his faith and friendship tied to the many dimensions, he changes from human to Pokemon.
So, thinking that you have died in the attack, Grovyle sts about a mission to collect time-gears.
I'll let you Bulbapedia the rest, as people reading this may not want spoilers from the game.

Great Chapter SP123. But you really gotta look out with your tenses, as in "What do you mean?!" Shout Piplup.
Though it should be 'Shouted'
Just an obvious example, I know you can see the errors. But great work, so keep the chapters coming.

 

[sweet_piplup123]

Ahh! School caught up with me I haven't even start on chap 11 yet...
To Master of All:

for example-don't go through all the battles that took place but maybe mention the teams they lost to and some of the hardest ones to beat-little things make the story remember that-sure the storyline is needed but without small things like that last sentence it would be hardly worth reading

You're right, thanks, I'll keep that in mind! I was originally thinking about letting them go against Team CBE and lose...but decided that I am saving that for later for fun.

To Mi1oticFan: Thanks for the corrections
To TurtwigFan1: Yep. It's obviously now that everyone thought about it. But don't jump to conclusion to why he's here yet--it remains a surprise for all.
To The Big Al: Yep, more mysteries The way I liked it.
To Brumrha:...Liam is a zombie? *snickers* As for flushing...I thought it's like the same as blushing...
To mew_nani: *gives tissue*
To Kindrindra: Uxie is a boy? 0_o....I never knew...
To FPE: Well, it's about time I brought some romance into this fic
To kinger810: Don't jump to conclusions yet~
To CrystalGuard2: Sorry, I don't really like spoiling the ending, which turned out to be very...dramatic.
To Jayhenessy: I know...I just don't proof check carefully, which calls for more time in doing that, I suppose.

*Races off at 100km'h to fix mistakes*

 

[mew_nani]

thanks for tissue.. *Blows nose* anyway, thanks for brining him back, (if that's him) because he didn't dserve to die.

 

[sweet_piplup123]

To mew_nani: I searched through all the other fics, and no one has actually came up with an idea like that...so yeah. If I put Gardevoir in then everyone would just go "Oh, that's just so freaking obvious".

Anyway, how about a spoiler? I find this part quite funny. It's only part of my draft by the way, so it might have some changes when I bring out the finished product.

Spoiler: Chapter 11

Spiritomb took one look at the creature and laughed, “Your fake Groudon won’t protect you forever, Uxie!” All of a sudden, this wave of dark purplish energy was released from his mouth and straight towards Groudon. For some weird reason, it did not do much damage as what Spiritomb was expecting. Groudon stared at him and his companion, a sneering expression on his face.

“Think I am fake, are you?” roared the continent Pokémon.

 

[TurtwigFan1]

Nice spoiler SP! No grammar mistakes, you're really getting better. I'm so excited for this next chapter, especially if we get to see more of Spiritomb and Gardevoir. The pair seem to be really cool and I can't decide whether they're good or bad!

 

[mew_nani]

wow nice really nice... I can't talk right...

 

[Brumrha]

*laughs*

You haven't finished chapter 11, & I already see a mistake in that spoiler.

Would you like to know where it is, sugary piplup?

 

[Kindrindra]

That Spoiler made me lol...
Poor spiritomb...

 

[sweet_piplup123]

To TurtwigFan1: Yeah, it's time for the villian's show and tell time!
To mew_nani: Don't worry, I can't either.
To Brumrha: Thanks for the correction I really needed that, believe me...
To kindrindra: YOu haven't read the whole part yet, what comes next may/or may not make you LOL more

Whoo, sweet_piplup123 is posting! Does this mean new chapter? Unfortunately, I am gonna have to say...no.

Sorry, I stuffed up a huge part in the chapter and now I am in the middle of rewriting the whole thing...sigh...

 

[ashds]

*looks at spoiler*
LOL Spritomb is going to get it

 

[Illusione-Tempus]

*looks at spoiler* rofl

Sorry, my bad habit about laughing that loud....

 

[Torpoleon]

To TurtwigFan1: Yeah, it's time for the villian's show and tell time!
To mew_nani: Don't worry, I can't either.
To Brumrha: Thanks for the correction I really needed that, believe me...
To kindrindra: YOu haven't read the whole part yet, what comes next may/or may not make you LOL more

Whoo, sweet_piplup123 is posting! Does this mean new chapter? Unfortunately, I am gonna have to say...no.

Sorry, I stuffed up a huge part in the chapter and now I am in the middle of rewriting the whole thing...sigh...

That's ok, SP! Just take your time and make it really great like all your other chapters!!!

 

[Brumrha]

*takes out a tranquilizer*

There's no need for you to rush things, Sugary Piplup, just... slow... down...

*injects the tranquilizer into Sugary Piplup's systems*

Take some time off to smell the roses every now & then; this place isn't going anywhere; it'll still be here whenever you're ready, & by doing all this, you'll be able to offer us a better piece.

*the Sugary Piplup collapses onto the floor*

There you go. *snickers*

 

[TurtwigFan1]

Haha!

*Grabs the defibrillator*

I keep on thinking about the spoiler. Maybe Groudon is fake and Uxie made him say he wasn't?

 

[The Big Al]

That's a distinct possibility. Uxie controlling Groundon is another possibility. We'll just have to wait until she posts the next chapter. I just hope it's soon.

 

[sweet_piplup123]

*sways* Whee....*vomits on everyone because of the effects of the tranquliser*

Learn the lesson next time, people. XD

As for the Groudon question...I can't tell, it's a surprise. I am nearly finished with writing the chapter, it's just that a cold brought me down *sniffs nose* gah, my lip is swelling as well because of that...joy. >_>

My prediction is that chapter 11 will be up by the end of this month, so try and bear with me, okay?

sweet_piplup123 ;393;