Pokemon Mystery Dungeon--Gemstone (PG 13)

[The Big Al]

Another great chapter.

There were a few instances that were too game like. Instead saying serious damage you could have described what happened to them physically. That's not really important though.

I wanted to see Team CBE get their clocks cleaned again. They really need to learn that they can't gouge their clients.

 

[Kindrindra]

YES! I do believe I'm the first reviewer!
Finnaly, It's here! the first misson! I'm not really good at grammer, but, for butterfree eyes, you kept on writing 'eye' instead of 'eyes'... the butterfree doesn't have one eye, right? \

I like how you had the client do some of the work to deal with the spinarack!
... Does Team Gemstar know they got it easy? In MD2, You only get one tenth, and they got half! They should be grateful!
That was nice of Jenna to pay the rescue money for the Rattata ^_^ Cute Rattata!
Urg, once again, Team CBE is officialy on my 'Worst exploration teams' list! How could they! When I rescue someone, I don't care if they give me a reward, and they're demanding stuff?!?!? HOW DAREST THEY! I tell you, the sooner Team CBE is crushed, the better! How could Pikachu? Use it's cute little tail to trip someone? MEAN! That Aipom chills me to the bone... To much sarcasm... And don't even get me started on skitty...
*Goes to mail Skitty a hundred hate mails*
... There, now that's done, enough of me insulting Team CBE!
The Idea of teleporting was ingenious! I always wondered how they got to those far off places! (Damn! Now I have to think of a different way for my fan fic! >.<)
Oh, go sheriff Lucario! The pokepedia entries you start with are cool... as is the beggining dream thing... Wait, You start with a Pokepedia entry, and end with 'elsewhere in the world'? Interesting... By the way, I wonder who the thief was... I wonder if it was that garvenvoir, or if it was yet somewhere altogether different and seprate from that...
Since my internet is tempoarily not working, I'll go and type out a whole grammer review! (This might not be that good, seeing as it's my first)

“Well, whenever a Pokémon is in trouble, their friends send a rescue mail and Dugtrio post them up here. Town Sheriff Lucario sent his officers here to give Dugtrio the Wanted posters, and Dugtrio post them on the other board,” described Bibi. He then added, “I think you might want to try rescuing first—taking down outlaws are much harder.”

1) should be 'sends'.
2) should be 'posts'.
3) should be 'is'.

“Oh, and another thing,” added Bibi quickly as he was about to climb downstairs

1) Added comma

The two walked out from the guild and down the hill. It was early in the morning and the dews on the grass haven’t evaporated yet, they remained, glistening in the sunlight.

1) The plural of 'dew' is 'dew', not dews. It's one of those words, like pokemon.
2) Should be 'hadn't'. It's: the dew on the grass had not evaporated yet, not: the dew on the grass have not evaporated yet.
3) Should be 'it'.

“So…we go to Kecleon’s shop, right?” Jenny suggested.

1) added comma.

“We better store the rest of the money into the bank,” said Rosa as they headed toward the bank, “Going to a dungeon is risky, if you fainted in a dungeon and you were a rescue team, most of your item is either stolen by wild Pokémon or to be handed as rewards to your rescuer, plus the rescuer gets all the money you have with you for reward too.”

“Whoa…talk about harshness,” commented Jenny, she added, “But then there are not much to store,” she pointed out the remaining 80 Poké.

1) Should be 'in'.
2) Better if a period.
3) Should be 'faint'.
4) Should be 'are'
5) Should be 'Items'
6) Better if a period.
7) Should be 'She then added'
8) Should be 'Is'

“Oh that’s just Absol,” answered Rosa, “Absol could detect disasters but I reckon sometimes this detecting disaster thing made them too pessimistic.”

1) Should be 'Can'
2) Better if 'makes'

“But…” asked Jenny uncertainly, “What if Absol is true?”

1) Should be 'right'.

I'm just going to stop grammer reviewing here. This grammer reviewing stuff is HARD! I'll leave It to FocusPE to do anything later than that... otherwise, that scary mind reading Kirlia can read my mind and tell you the rest! ^_^ Amazing!

I now have one complaint... You made a longer chapter than my eight page one! Grr...

See Ya Later!

PS: You have to change you signature to say chapter 6 is the newest!

PSS: I bet I'm not the first reviewer now that my internet stopped working for the night >.<

 

[Alxprit]

I love this fan fiction. Mostly it's the Torchic, since it's most interesting to only have two limbs upon transition. Plus, the characters are really interesting and I totally didn't expect an evil Pikachu. Please keep it up.

 

[CrystalGuard2]

Catching up is tough. I'm resisting all urges to destroy Team CBE with any weapon possible due to hatred. Now for my review. You have trouble with grammar, but the storyline is great! A lot of suspense too. Keep it up and good luck with that banner!

 

[sweet_piplup123]

To Torpoleon: Thanx! I am guessing that was bro 1!
To Pokemanmaster: The mysteries of the thief? It shall be revealed next chapter!
To The Big Al: You got a good point there...
To Kindrindra:Holy s...since when did these grammar problems came?! That's it, I am using online spell checker next time, MS Word 2000 is not truthworthy enough >_>.
To Alxprit: New reader! Don't worry, I will!
To CrystalGuard2: I know...everyone's complaining about the grammar...I hate grammar...
To everyone: Oh man...I seemed to have brought hate to Pikachu, Aipom and Skitty 0_0

 

[The Big Al]

But it gives your story a nice twist and I think its one of the reasons its such a hit.

 

[Brumrha]

*busts out his magnifying glass*

“If you don’t wake up them I’ll Crabhammer you!” ordered Crawdaunt loudly.

Improper wording; it should be then.

Everyone got out of their beds and headed towards the assembly area. As everyone were getting lined up, Katara from Team Avatar muttered angrily to Aang, “I swear, if I hear that damn gong again I’ll kill that little son of a…”

Times two; should be either is or was.

“I have to agree with Katara,” Rosa whispered in Jenny’s ears, she was yawning.

The bold part doesn't sound right; a much better way would be as she was yawning.

“Well, whenever a Pokémon is in trouble, their friends send a rescue mail and Dugtrio post them up here. Town Sheriff Lucario sends his officers here to give Dugtrio the Wanted posters, and Dugtrio posts them on the other board,” described Bibi. He then added, “I think you might want to try rescuing first—taking down outlaws is much harder.”

Ahh, we've got a new form of law enforcement. Can't wait to see what he can do.

“Oh, and another thing,” added Bibi quickly as he was about to climb downstairs, “The jobs have rescue ranks, E-ranked ones are the easiest, then D, C, B, A and then the stars from 1—8, well, good luck!” Bibi finished his sentence as he headed down to the third level.

You forgot a few ranks in the mission difficulty; they go from E, D ,C ,B, A, & S, then from 1 to 9 stars.

The Starly gave Rosa a glance, Rosa also stared at Starly carefully. For a spilt second Jenny thought they were having a staring competition until Starly suddenly started pecking Rosa.

I've added something at the beginning so that it sounds better. Also, I've found a real misspelling; spilt should be split.

“Remind me Rosa…does Max Elixir restores power?” asked Jenny.

Another sentence that doesn't sound right; this does: Remind me Rosa…does the Max Elixir restore power?

Rosa was slapping the other Machop as he used his fist punching Rosa. Suddenly Rosa’s beak glowed white and she stabbed her beak at one of Machop’s arms. Machop let go of Rosa as his arm started to bleed.

Ahh, bloodshed! That's just the thing that whets my blood frenzy!

Geodude answered promptly, “You’re? I happened to saw a crying Butterfree flew by a few hours ago.”

Yet another sentence that doesn't sound right... Flew should be fly in this particular one.

“Rosa…wouldn’t that burnt Butterfree as well?” asked Jenny, the last thing she wanted to do was burn Butterfree into ash, “Also, I don’t want to spread a fire!” she pointed at the messy thorns.

Found a couple of things wrong with this; burnt should be burn, & ash should be ashes.

“Nobody spoils MINE food!” Spinarak was angry, he fired Poison Stings at Jenny.

Again with improper wording; in this, mine should be just my.

“Fudge cakes…” cursed Jenny as the ominous purple poison barbs flew near her, she shut her eyes and expected the pain from the barbs to reach her. Jenny was lucky though; none of them hit her but as the poison barbs landed near her, she was trapped in a little arena.

Same as above; arena should only be area.

“Get off you stupid sticky…” muttered Rosa angrily. As she tried to get the silk off by wriggling she saw the Spinarak heading towards her, a menacing look on his face.

Yet another something that doesn't sound right; the bold part should be with a menacing look on his face.

“Whew…he ran around like a girl and screamed like a girl,” joked Rosa.

Funny! Someone who plays like a girl gives me a kick.

Finally, was that last part taking place in the Human world? That's what it looks like to me...

Whew! That gave me a run for my money.

 

[FocusPresenceEndurance]

Another good chapter. The main issue you are having right now is changing your tenses. Be careful that you don't change tense in mid paragraph.

I managed find some other things too, and made suggestions on how you could make them better. You don't have to copy the examples directly, if you come up with a better way to write something then by all means go with that. You can also choose not to implement some of the suggestions too, its your fanfic after all.

Prepare yourself... its long!

Crawdaunt was banging his claw on a gong. Loud, isn’t it?

I dunno. I think you could go about better ways to insinuate that is loud. Like "Her ears were ringing from the noise," Or "Rosa/Jenny was up in an instant, practically one foot into the air," or something along those lines.

Before Jenny could finish her sentence, someone shoved her from the back hard, causing her to fell over.

Should be "fall"

“Oops, sorry,” exclaimed Skitty, not meaning it. Pikachu and Aipom were both sneering as Skitty added, “I didn’t know you were so easy to push over.”

Could be worded better. "sarcastically, arrogantly, , insincerely, though it was obvious she didn't mean it... thesaurus can get you a lot of useful words too."

Jenny got up and was about to attack Team CBE, but Rosa refrained her. Meanwhile Team CBE were laughing and hi-fiveing each other.

was

Jenny took a deep breath to calm down, she opened the silver letter and this was in the letter:

Should be reworded. You don't really need to include something like that. Just have, "she looked inside" or something and it would suffice.

Jenny was right, the plants here are grown in a frenzy way, like someone who hasn’t washed their hair for ten years.

I'd suggest: "had"

As they walked on silently Jenny picked up a little bottle, she recognised as Max Elixir, one of the things that Rosa brought earlier, she remember these bottle can store powers or something but she’s not quite sure.

Just a couple minor things here. "She remembered that these bottles could store powers or something, but she wasn't quite sure."

Jenny looked, two small muscular Pokémon were in their way; they have golden fins on top of their head and even though they’re small, the two Machops have muscular bodies.

Watch out for the tense changes!

"had"

and

"heads" since we are talking about 2 of them

Rosa face palmed at Jenny’s politeness, as she thought, Jenny! What the fudge do you think you’re doing?!

Probably should be in its own paragraph.

Jenny got p***ed off at those two jerks, she tried to scratch one of the Machop with her good talon, but the attack had minimal impact on the Machop.

Little wording issue again. You can do a number of things to fix it. Probably the easiest would be something like "P***ed off, Jenny tried to..." But just so you know, there are other ways to go about it too.

“Rosa! What was that attack you had just used on Machop?!” demanded Jenny as she ran, “How did you…huff…drew blood out of it?”

draw

The both of them stopped, panting they turned to look behind them, but the two Machop were nowhere in sight.

They

Rosa pretended to sigh and shaked her head, as her head turned back to Geodude...

shook

Geodude tried to withstand the attack but she couldn’t, she was knocked back into a thorny bush.

“Ok…you won,” groaned Geodude as she somehow managed to get himself out of the bush. She scrutinized at Rosa and Jenny and said, “I see you’re an exploration team, because you have your bags with you.”

!? Boy or girl?

Geodude answered promptly, “You’re? I happened to saw a crying Butterfree flew by a few hours ago.”

Just to add to the flew thing in the earlier comment, this should say "see."

“Really? Which direction did Butterfree went?” asked Jenny eagerly.

go

Jenny reckoned they had gone a long way. She looked up into the sky and realised that it’s already afternoon.

It's represents "it is." What you probably want is "it was," which is not represented in short form as far as I know.

They hurried over and saw a butterfly that has white wings, purple body and big red eye.

"had"
"eyes"

“Nobody spoils MINE food!” Spinarak was angry, he fired Poison Stings at Jenny.

I think it would sound better if you said something like "Spinarak (said or any other such word) angrily as he..."

“You just got a taste of my Faint Attack,” smirked Spinarak, it looks like his vision had recovered.

"looked"

“Well, we’re glad that we rescued your love one,” Jenny smiled.

"loved"

“Well! Good job!” said Bibi, he had just came up from the ladder leading down, “How much money have you got?” he asked.

"come"

Bibi took the bag, which leave Rosa and Jenny surprised;

"left"

“Team Gemstar, best friends forever”.

Aw... how sweet! ^-^

Under the moonlight, the leaved blew in the chilly wind. A figure moved towards a house silently.

"leaves"

Most of the review appears to be corrections with tense. Overlooking the tense issue, the chapter was overall well done. The plot is advancing steadily and the characters are developing nicely.

I can't help but wonder what's going on in that last scene, it appeared to be in the human world instead of the Pokemon world. Well I look forward to seeing what significance that had to the story.

Final note, keep it up! Every chapter you write you get better! I look forward to the next chapter!™

 

[sweet_piplup123]

*looks at mistakes*
Holy s**t! That's it. I should make myself bang my head against the desk for every mistake I made next time.
Overall, thanks for the comments.
Oh, as for the ranks, I am keeping them like that, afterall, it's my own fanfic I don't have to go with the game all the time.

 

[Brumrha]

Holy s**t! That's it. I should make myself bang my head against the desk for every mistake I made next time.
Overall, thanks for the comments.

Don't do that; otherwise you'll bust your head wide open & you'll wind up in the ER. You might not know it, but doing such a thing will result in a brain hemorrhage, & that is a very bad thing.

 

[sweet_piplup123]

Well...how about I fold an origami crane for every mistake I made? I'll use scrap paper for it!
And right now I am having a poll: do you want a third member or do you want me to keep it as Torchic and Piplup only?
It's pretty difficult to decide so I want to hear your opinions.

 

[The Big Al]

I'm favor of a third member. But I'm good either way.

 

[Kindrindra]

Third member? You know, during the chapter, I kinda thought Geodude was going to join the Team! But... Yes.


See Ya Later!

 

[sweet_piplup123]

3--0 (third member/Torchic&Piplup only)
Am working on Chapter 7 now and 6 pages into it!
Ok how about a little spoiler?

Spoiler: Chapter 7 Spoilers!!!

Team Gemstar went to the board to look for outlaw missions, but the board hasn’t got any Wanted posters on it.

“Aww…what a shame,” said Jenny, disappointed.

“Looks like we’re doing rescue…look out!” Rosa cried out in alarm, pointing to the front.

Jenny didn’t have time to look, a Pokémon who was carrying papers smashed into Jenny. The both of them ended up on the ground, paper scattered all over the floor.

“Watch it!” Jenny shouted impolitely.

“I am so sorry!” the Pokémon apologised, she had a big jaw attached to her head and her body was black, “I was in a rush and…I am sorry!”

 

[Torpoleon]

I would want a 3rd member so that Jenny and Rosa can have some backup and a new pal.

 

[Kindrindra]

Hello!
Couldn't help reading the spoiler, seeing as you spoilers don't spoil much ...
Is that the mail carrier? Their soooo cute!


See Ya Later!

 

[Brumrha]

I would also like to have a third member; preferably a grass or electric type, maybe even a psychic type.

Spoiler: My guess on what the courier Pokemon is

The jaw on her head basically screams out one thing: Mawile.

 

[TurtwigFan1]

In the spoiler, you changed tenses! You said the board hasn't, it should be the board didn't. I also agree with Brumrha's guess on the courier!

 

[sweet_piplup123]

I guess everyone wants the third member then!
I finished writing it, now I just got the grammar thing to look out for.
Will be posting it on Wednesday.
To Kindrindra: It is one of my favourite dark type Pokémon
To Brumrha: *adds vote* and thanks for putting it as a spoiler.
To TurtwigFan1: I did? Better fix it! *fixes it and then made a paper crane out of scrap paper*

 

[The Big Al]

[spoil]Mawile is a Steel type. Don't worry. Many people confuse it. That's why its called the deceiver Pokemon.[/spoil]

EDIT: Cool, I get post #100. I wish I got this kind of traffic.