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Pokemon Mystery Dungeon: Legend of the 10 Scrolls

Discussion in 'Fan Fiction' started by Tepig Pignite Emboar 969, Jan 18, 2013.

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  1. Tepig Pignite Emboar 969

    Tepig Pignite Emboar 969 Well-Known Member

    Pokemon Mystery Dungeon: Legend of the Ten Scrolls

    Hello. This time I think I put this in the right place hopefully. I Think that is why it was closed in the other forum. I decided to write my own Pokemon Mystery Dungeon series called Pokemon Mystery Dungeon: Legend of the Ten Scrolls. I thought it was best sharing it with all of you. No mean comments please. So far, I’m planning on making a trilogy of my own mystery dungeon reading series. I’m also planning on making another pokemon series called Pokemon: Experimentations. I decided to make this series comedic while the Experimentations I will be doing is more dramatic, bloodier and scarier. Also to warn you there will be some blood in some parts of this too (but it’s not like you’re actually going to see it), but no cursing of course because it’s against the forum rules. Here are the plot and characters (please don’t be mad at what you’re about to read. It would kind of hurt my feelings a bit). So I felt like sharing it with you guys.

    My Pokemon: Experimentation series can be read here: www.serebiiforums.com/showthread.php?595646

    Plot/Prologue- Legends say that the Ten scrolls will lead you to a beautiful island with a temple full of mysterious and valuable treasure. To get each scroll, there are 4 gems you need to unlock each scroll. 6 heroes will take this challenge and become the first ones to succeed.
    Characters:
    Pichu- The main protagonist. Pichu doesn’t remember who he is or where he came from except one thing. He was once a human. In order to remember again, Pichu must go on the quest to get the 10 scrolls and unlock the temple on the island and remembering about his past.
    Tepig- He finds Pichu unconscious covered in sand on a beach. Likes to eat, make food, exploring and find lots of treasure.
    Snivy- Wants to be better and cooler than everyone else. Afraid of heights. Like to get into trouble, get into a lot of fights and stealing things.
    Oshawott- The only girl pokemon in the group. She is smart and sometimes thinks the other pokemon in the group act stupid. Likes to be in charge, observing things and being intelligent.
    Pidove- The scardy cat of the group. Gets scared of even things that aren’t even scary at all. Wants to become the most bravest pokemon. Likes to fly.
    Axew- The youngest and the crybaby of the group. Cries when he gets hurt all the time. Likes to play games and being a copy cat.

    Chapter 1: The Journey Begins.
    “Huh? What… Where am I? What is this place? It… looks like… like a beach. I see… water. Man I’m thirsty” said the pokemon. He looked into his reflection.
    “What? Hold on. This can’t be… this… no… AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! I’M A POKEMON. I’M A HUMAN, NOT A POKEMON! WHAT IS GOING ON?” he shouted. He started to run. Suddenly he tripped on a little rock and knocked himself out against a bigger one.
    “Hello? Hello? Anybody there? Oh… You’re awake” said a talking pig with red skin.
    “WHAT? OH MY GOSH YOU’RE TALKING” shouted the pokemon.
    “Uh… yeah… we all do…” said the pig.
    “No… NO!”said the other pokemon all over the place. “WHAT AM I DOING HERE? WHY AM I HERE? WHO ARE YOU… Who… am I?” he said.
    “Whoa whoa whoa. Calm down. I’m not going to hurt you!” said the talking pig. The other pokemon calmed down.
    “Hi. My name is Tepig” said the talking pig. “Hi, nice to meet you”. He said.
    “Well hello uhh… Tepig… My name is uhh. I don’t remember…”
    “Well you are a Pichu, so I’ll call you Pichu” said Tepig.
    “Pichu… That sounds like a nice name” Pichu said. Then Pichu’s stomach growled.
    “Oh… Hungry?” said Tepig. “You know come to think of it, I’m kinda hungry myself” he said. “I made some delicious food. But I left it near our home with our Leader. Mewtwo. Let’s go come with me” he said. So they walked to a big house full of lots of pokemon. “We’re here” Tepig said.
    “You know. I was a human once…” said Pichu.
    “Human?” I’ve never seen a Human before, but I’ve heard of them” Tepig said. “So you have memory loss? Don’t worry. We’ll find out a way to get your memories back.
    “Alright” said Pichu.
    “Who is this pokemon you have brought here?” said the leader, Mewtwo.
    “ Oh. This is Pichu. He’s a little shy right now. He doesn’t remember anything. Also, were hungry and so I came to get my food”.
    “Here” said Mewtwo and handed him the food.
    “Here you go” Said Tepig and gave Pichu a big fruit looking food. He was watching tepig eat his fruit really fast. Then Pichu took a bite of his fruit.
    “Hey” Pichu said. “This taste really good”.
    “Thanks” said Tepig.
    “Would you guys like to go exploring and fine something for me?” said Mewtwo.
    “Oh yes. I love finding treasure and exploring!” shouted Tepig.
    “Well you 2 aren’t the only ones going” Mewtoo said.
    “We’re not?” Said Tepig.
    “Nope. Say hello to your teammates on all of your mystery dunging” said Mewtwo.

    End of Chapter 1. How do you like it so far? Hope this isn't against the rules.

    Chapter 2: Search for the 1st Gem
    Pichu and Tepig were greeting their teammates.
    “What’s up?” said one of them. “My name is Snivy” he said.
    “Hello Snivy” said both Pichu and Tepig.
    “Uhh… Um… well… hello. I’m Pidove” said another teammate.
    “Hello Pidove” Said both Pichu and Tepig.
    “Hi there. My name is Axew!” said the other one.
    “Hello” said Pichu and Tepig.
    “HEY. DON’T FORGET ABOUT ME! THE SMART ONE. OSHAWOTT!” said the last one.
    “Oops. Hi” The others said this time.
    “These will be you partners” said Mewtwo. “Let your journey begin” he said. He gave them a map. “This is where the 1st gem is.
    “Look. It’s in that cave just up north of here” said Tepig. “Alright. Let’s go”. They go outside.
    "We have to keep going in this trail" said Tepig. After following that trail for a long time, they found the large cave.
    "So this is it?" asked Snivy?
    "I believe so' said Oshawott. They went in the cave.
    “Oh… it’s dark here” said Pidove. “Oh… where’s Axew? He’s gone…”
    “BOO!” Shouted Axew.
    “AHHHHHHHHHHHH!” cried Pidove.
    “Axew! That was not funny!” shouted Oshawott.
    “Oh… sorry…” said Axew. Then a bunch of Zubats came and they started running.
    “Hey I see something glowing. It must be the gem” said Pichu.
    “Let’s go and steal it” said Snivy. Then the Zubats started surrounding them.
    “Um Snivy. Perhaps that was the wrong thing to say” said Tepig. End of Chapter 2.
     
    Last edited: Jan 19, 2013
  2. Dilasc

    Dilasc Boip!

    This reeks of newness. I hate to sound cynical, but this could possibly be locked as well. Not because it's in the wrong place: it's not! It's because it's of low quality writing, poorly formatted grammar and seemingly lazy attempt.

    Spelling is attrocious... Mewtoo. Blerk! Also, don't put numerals, write it as ten, not 10. When the number is large enough... I believe three digits (though I never remember for sure) use numerals.

    Use an extra enter key when paragraphing... like I've been doing here, text looks less bunched and easier to read.

    When someone talks, they get their own line... which you do. Major props there. However, punctuation goes inside the quotation marks, and you MUST, MUST, MUST have some form of punctuation, whether a comma, period, question mark or exclamation point, whenever you close someone's dialogue box. The specifics... I'm not good at explaining but the comma should be used if you're going to have the speaker partake in some verbiage in the same paragraph.

    Did you write this in the reply box? It seems short, rushed and uncared for and the lack of description means I have no clue what's happening.

    A few details go a long way to set mood, pacing and drama.

    One chapter per post. This rule is simple...

    Scratch that, if you read the fanfiction rules threads, you'll be on the right path, and if you read 'Advice for Aspiring Authors' you'll get even better.

    I wish you well, but for now, I'd suggest you take some time to think this over carefully.
     
  3. Tepig Pignite Emboar 969

    Tepig Pignite Emboar 969 Well-Known Member

    Okay I fixed Mewtwo's name and added a little more detail in the 2nd chapter. Before I do the 3rd chapter, I'm going to do the first 2 chapters of Pokemon: Experimentations. Then after that, I will do one chapter each at a time.
     
  4. Psychic

    Psychic Really and truly Staff Member Moderator

    As Dilasc said, you may only have one chapter in a post, and each chapter needs to be written on Microsoft Word and be at least two pages long. You should also skip a line (hit the Enter button twice) each time you start a new paragraph. You hads the right idea in your other thread, but you still need to make chapters longer.

    You also need to work on your punctuation. Here's a basic guide on how to use commas, periods and the rest.
    The Comma: Generally in dialogue, there should be a "," at the end inside the quotation marks. This is the case in just about every situation. Here are some examples:
    "That store sells candy," she said with a grin.
    "I really hate school," Jake muttered.
    "Pokémon training looks like fun," the old man commented.
    Notice also how the first word after the dialogue isn't capitalized. That's because it's like each line is one sentence; ignore the quotation marks for a moment. It doesn't really make sense if you just say "I really hate school." and "Jake muttered." as two different sentences, because they don't really make a lot of sense if they're alone. They only make sense when they’re connected, because they rely on one another for clarity.

    Another time you use a comma is if someone is being addressed. That means if one character is talking to another character, there should be a comma before or after their name (depending). Examples:
    "Hello, Jake," said Robert.
    "Here, Jackie, I wanted to give this to you," Alex said shyly as he gave her a pretty rose.
    "Do you like chocolate, Rebecca?" her grandmother asked.

    The Period: This goes at the end of every sentence. However, if you have dialogue and you want to start a new sentence after the dialogue, you can put a period inside the quotation marks. This means that each sentence can stand alone and would still make sense without the other. Remember to capitalize the next word! Example:
    "You’re pretty." She smiled up at the supermodel.
    "I hate you." The little girl crossed her arms and walked away.
    "I wish I could become a Pokémon trainer." His mind filled with possibilities at the very thought of it.
    "Yes, I would like a piece of cake, please." Without even waiting his turn, little Johnny plunged his hand into the birthday cake and grabbed some for himself.

    The Question Mark: Whenever somebody asks a question, put a "?" at the end of the sentence. It is not replacing a period here, so the word after the dialogue wouldn't be capitalized. Example:
    "Is it going to rain today?" the boy asked.
    "Can I have a blue one?" she requested of the balloon salesman.
    "Do you like ice cream? My family really likes ice cream," Sonia said happily.

    The Exclamation Mark: Put a "!" at the end of a sentence when somebody has shouted something, or possibly given a strict command. Again, if it's at the end of dialogue, the word after the quotation marks usually shouldn't be capitalized. Example:
    "I want a pony!" the little girl screamed.
    "Go to your room, Jessie! You were a very bad boy," the mother said angrily.
    "Let's go to the carnival!" he cried giddily.

    Your story will look a lot better and easier to read once you have the basics of punctuation down, so be sure to follow this advice, both for this fic and the other.


    I'm closing this thread for now. if you repost this story, please make sure you follow the rules about how long chapters are, and use proper spacing and punctuation. Now that I've shown you how, you should be able to fix your fics easily.

    ~Psychic
     
    Last edited: Jan 20, 2013
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