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Pokemon Mystery Dungeon: Overthrown

Knightfall

Blazing Wordsmith
Hello again! I do recall seeing you over on FF.net. While I typically don't have that much of a difference between here and FF.net, I do tend to update and revise here first. I did revise the first chapter on FF.net as well, but unfortunately, I have no way of publicly announcing it without creating an entirely new chapter.

Anyways, on to the review.

Thanks you! That was something different then the original Prologue. I never referenced the Pokemon world there, but here, I wanted to make it clear where Doug and Henry were. I really wanted the prologue to stand out from others, so I did what I felt was necessary to accomplish that.

Those were my exact thoughts when I was thinking of revising it. But, then I looked it over again and saw everything that would benefit from a rewrite, so I went with it. I'm very happy to see that you enjoy it more than the first version. It makes all the time and effort I put into it worth it. And, surprisingly, there's not much in the later chapters that will change/become irrelevant because of this revision. A few small things, yes, but overall, I tried my hardest to preserve the plot points of the chapter, while also paving the way for my current plot line which I finalized long after the original chapter was finished. So, in short, I kept it the same, but made it so that it works with the current plot.

Yeah, Chapter Two has it's problems, but it hasn't yet crossed the threshold of needing a rewrite. It's rather stale, but it gets the job done, somehow.

Well, I thank you immensely for the time you did take to read this. Please, review when it's most convenient for you. This alone was great.

Knightfall signing off... ;005;
 

TheCharredDragon

Tis the Hour to Reload
You welcome. I was thinking more of one scene, but yeah. I guess that doesn't mean ALL the chapters will become irelevant. Now I shall continue my review.

Chapter 3: Calibration

This chapter seemed focused on how your world works and whatnot. I was a bit confused when they (Team Salient) were talking wulith Leo. Did he say he was human? Or not? But now, I know the answer to that. The currrecy reminds me of the currency in Avatar: The Last Airbender and what it was like in ancient times. I don't know if that's where you got it from, but that's just what I was thinking. The mystery dungeon was well writen again. I thought that it was ridiculous that an entire swarm of Grass Pokemon. I was also confused as to why Jay and Leo were arguing, (this was when I wasn't sure if Leo said he was human or not) I mean, if he said he was human why would they ask something like that? But now I understand why Jay was shouting at Leo like it's the most obvious thing in the world.

Chapter 4: Injustice

Okay, when I read the quote I thought, "What? Am I imagining things or is he using the Team Frontier of EoS?", because I didn't expect that. Now, onto the chapter! In the dream Leo was having, I don't remember what I was thinking, but I think I was thinking that this was unusual. I was wondering what was the Pokemon that was nursing Leo and was somewhat surprised it was a Liligant. And when Jay, Kelly and Icarus came into the room when Leo was probably gonna lash out vocally, that was funny for me. Akward Well, at least it shows how much he cares for his newfound friends. Ha, funny. Rosaline says that too. When Jay and Kelly atarted explaining, I was surprised that a Pokemon was keeping an eye on the extraction. But I think it was a good touch. I thought that it was hilarious that Icarus was in trouble. XD I like those kinds of scenes, they necer cease to make me laugh. I also found it funny, no, hilarious that Leo waals stealing Kelly's drink. And even more funny that he founs that it was actually disgusting for him. XD Things are getting thicker in plot. I think.

Chapter 5: Interference

At first, I was confused as to what was attacking them. But when you said it was a Metagross, I wasn't confused anymore. I thought the battle was pretty gruesome. I also thought that the two-minded Metagross (Kind Wire and psychotic Nexus) was intresting. And now the Mismagius from the cover of the fanfiction.net version formally appears! All sarcasm aside, now Leo's lind is gonna be more paranoid/psychotic (I think). And the plot thinkens even more!

Chapter 6: Severence

Now, when I look at the quote at the top again after reading the rest of the story. It makes a whole lot more sense (<I think that had bad grammer). Now we got to see a bit of backstory to one of your characters. Oh and did you mean nieve in the sentence when Kelly was reminescing (I think that's how it's spelled)? Or naive? Just wondering. Man, that Mismagius is not very kind, is he?

Chapter 7: Interlude

I felt very, striken (I think that's the right word) and, I don't know what's the right word, but I felt Gears plight. Even though he was a minor character, I seened to have liked him even more when he was sticking to his beliefs. Even if it means he got killed in the process. May you rest in preace Gears....And now Mismagius is talking to Jay too?! It seems thia guy is all over the place. Reminds me of one of my characters......And nooooow he's talking to Kelly. Wonder why he does this.

I would like to continue, but my phone's starting to slow down so I'll stop here.
 

Knightfall

Blazing Wordsmith
Time to reply!

Chapter 3: Oh yes, this was a major world-building chapter! I loved writing it as I was able to pour my many ideas about the PMD world into it. The currency is based off many ancient civilizations (and, Last Airbender used it as well to some degree). Coins of gold, silver, and copper with varying denominations. I tried to make that point evident in writing. Leo has not told anyone his secret. And, yes, hopefully their conversation makes more sense now.

Chapter 4: It is the one and only Team Frontier. No mistake there. Believe me, I use them for a very specific reason. And, his dream was the first time I tried to write something that wasn't on the normal realm of reality. I'm glad you found it interesting and Team Salient's reactions with Leo and Icarus genuine. Icarus is a great character. Don't say good-bye to him just yet.

Chapter 5: I admit, that was a drastic step for me. Making Wire and Nexus was the first time I made a character that was considered an abomination and was perfectly insane. And yes, I'm glad you're liking his appearances.

Chapter 6: For my sake and the sake of the plot, I sincerely hope you're bluffing. And, I believe I did mean that word.

No. No he is not kind. Or ethical. Or morally right. Or a nice Pokemon in any sense of the word.

Chapter 7: Hehe. I'm glad you felt that way for Gear. His part in the story was short, but I tried to make his impact large.

And as you'll soon see, the Mismagius has quite a large range of influence.

Thank you again for your thoughts.

Knightfall signing off... ;005;
 

TheCharredDragon

Tis the Hour to Reload
Knightfall said:
Chapter 6: For my sake and the sake of the plot, I sincerely hope you're bluffing.

Ha ha, okay. Then I won't say.

Anyways, here I go to continue!

Chapter 8: Extradition

When I was reading the bolded parts in the beginning, I knew it was the Mismagius telling Leo what to do. And at that moment, I understood why the Mismagius said, "See past the corruption.....". The part on how the orbs work is an intresting one. I wasn't so confused about the dungeon as I know that mystery dungeons are anomilies. The part where Jay said they can track you with the badge was intresting, as it's good when you're lost and want help, but bad when you're trying to get away. And the fact that Jay was trying to hide his past does not bode well. And poor Aleck, greed is a powerful thing as well as deception. Now I still wonder what's so bad about Sawgrass Town though.

Chapter 9: Pespective

When I started reading this I was like, "Coupd it be...?". And as I continue I was like, "Yes! I knew it! It's Nickolas! The one who sees over the Kingdom from that quote in Chapter 7!". And my suspiciouns that he would come into the story have been proven. I was even more surprised by the fact that the Scyther has such a, well, drab name to me at least. Although I think you are reffering to a real-life politician. And then I continued reading and I was so enamored (I think that's the right word) by it, even if it didn't really make sense at first. Which I absolutely love. Then when you went to Aleck, I was thinking, "Is it just me? Or is this Mismagius going all over the place?". I mean, he has been into the minds of the main protagonists and now the (I think it's what they are) support and minor characters? And imagine that you originally wanted Mismagius be a minor character. Poor Aleck (again). You know, I didn't realize that they could have simply gone north-west. But sometimes the best answers are simple. And yay! Icarus is back! For some reason, I was thinking that Icarus would be part of Team Salient sometime. BOOM! Team Salient is now ambushed. Life is not going so well for them ever since Leo came along.

Now I'll stop here as I'm almost out of time. And I might, keyword, might,, not be around for a week. I'm not so sure.
 

Knightfall

Blazing Wordsmith
Wow. Three times in one day. Thank you!

Chapter 8: Heh, it's a wonderful feeling isn't it? When the clues start putting themselves together...
Orbs are a tricky area. I picture them as extremely volatile artifacts, but others disagree. But, regardless, they are dangerous. Likewise with the badge. I mean, how else does the Federation know what teams are where and who needs help? Badges.
And just you wait to see Jay's story.

Chapter 9: Yep. Good, ol' Nicky is here to share in the madness. And, while I don't reference any current figures in politics, I do base several characters off a few certain people in history...

The Scyther, Darney, is an odd character. But, that's actually a reference. A little known one, I guess, but a reference nonetheless. The story A Tale of Two Cities by Charles Dickens has a main character called Charles Darnay. That's where I got it from.

And yes, Leo has been a bringer of misfortune hasn't he?

Well, thank you for your review.

And, one more thing concerning Sawgrass. We don't go there anymore. Not since...

Knightfall signing off... ;005;
 

TheCharredDragon

Tis the Hour to Reload
Your welcome. I usually have plenty of free time.

Now onto reviewing!

Chapter 10: Memory

This chapter offers some much needed back-story. For Kelly, showing how she thinks of her parents. For Leo, another clue to his amnesic past. And Jay, a hint as to what happened to him. As well as an answer to who ambushed them. I actually knew that Noah was gonna be around soon because I saw an art made by someone I believe you know, Piplup-fangirl66, titled, "If they only knew.....". I didn't expect Icarus to be a blabber mouth. Just like me......Oh well! At least that adds another quality to him! For some reason, I could see him as a member of Team Salient.....And Torrent, heh, it seens Gear has friends. And that suspicous tapking in the end. Nice. It makes readers (at least me) wonder what'als going on.

Chapter 11: Intercession

When I started reading this, I was like, "Wait a minute....Is it....?". And then as I continued I went like, "Yes! I was right again!". And then I got a little confused when he said "father", but then I realize that it's a church. So yeah. Nickolas having problems shows that even royalty have problems. Ha ha ha, seems Noah is a formidable warrior and now Leo again faces defeat. And then Mismagius is in some sort of library that catalogs everyone's memories and it seems even he has his own problems. Hmm, the plot seems to be thickening as Darney recieves orders , Ian and Vertex being found (and introduced formally) and Leo's (probable) slow descent to madness. Ian reminds me of Scythe in Pokemon Mystery Dungeon: Silver Resistance, except Ian's insanity doesn't help him. It seems like another Kelly and Leo moment. Why is it my mind thinks that they like each other more than friends? Anyways, that was funny about waking everyone up with a Groudon roar. I sure wouldn't want to be sleeping in on this camp.

Chapter 12: Ethics

Again, after reading the rest of the story. The quote in here makes a bit more sense, but still mysterious. When reading this first time, I was like, "Wait a second, is this the Drowsee from EoS/T/D?" And then when it said that he did bad to a Pokemon and his younger brother, I think that pretty much confirms it. And that scene with Leo, it was pretty disturbing. But it really didn't faze me. Because I couldn't imagine it. XD And poor Ian, it's not easy being insane after losing a loved one. And that was a bit unexpected of Quark, but then again, the Mismagius isn't exactly nice either. Aaaaand once again, Leo keeps his secret. And I found the names of the new teams ri-dic-u-lous. XD And at the end with Noah, I was like, "WHAT?! HE'S FRIENDS WITH THE MISMAGIUS?!" as that was a huge shock for me.

Now I'm gonna stop because my phone's slowing down again.
 

diamondpearl876

Well-Known Member
“Very true, but, it’s not our place to decide that. We’ll do what we can.”
Wouldn’t put a comma here. It sounds unnaturally awkward when you say it out loud.
“There. That’s the issue!” He motioned with his hand towards a switch on the opposite side of the room as he looked up from his seat out the wide observation window --made entirely from reinforced, recycled plastics. There was an audible click as the comm system between the upper and lower chambers of the testing room came live.
Just a couple nitpicks here. Make sure your dashes actually look like dashes instead of two hyphens squished together. Also, I wouldn’t use “comm.” Unless it was in dialogue, it sounds too informal here.
With another dismissive wave, the metal doors slid shut and the freight elevator slid downwards the ten feet to the lower room.
“an” not “a”. Normally I wouldn’t be so nitpicky with grammar but since this is the prologue and it’s supposed to grab the reader’s attention, everything counts. I will say, though, that you have a handle for all this electrical, scientific jargon. There’s no way I could write stuff like this. I admire it. Lmao.
A shot of the burning capitol again, this time it was a section of footage from several hours ago.
Would put this into 2 separate sentences or it sounds like a run-on.
“Listen to me, Doug: I have a life up there. I have a wife. A family, Doug. Friends. I have something worth going back to. Something you seemingly don’t have or care enough about to go return to. I already lost my grandson, Doug. I’m not going to let the rest of my family feel that pain again from losing me,” the senior scientist viciously spat as he brushed away Doug’s hand off his shoulder. “If you excuse me, I will take my leave now. Good-bye, Douglas, you stubborn son of a *****,” he huffed as he stormed towards the elevator. Doug took a deep breath. He knew it would come to this. The guilt card with the teen had been Plan A, but now there was no other option.
Damn son, that really just happened!!! That guy just left him there to die after telling him how worthless he was. I love it.






After the year he had spent working with the veteran scientist, Doug was certain the two shared a sort of friendship, and it was that bond that Doug had gambled on. Now, as the doors shut, Doug knew that not even the illusion of brotherhood could keep a man from thoughts of self-preservation.
I particularly liked this bit of description. In this short span of time you’ve shown exactly what two men, leading two entirely different lives, would do in a life-or-death situation. You’ve also shown their relationship pretty well.
Taking a final up close look at the teen, Doug reached into his coat and pulled out a small object wrapped in a layer of cloth from his inside pocket.
Would put “final close up look at the teen” instead. Just a mix up of words there, I think.

I’d also like to stop here and mention how I like the teenager’s thoughts in separate sections of the fic, isolated from the rest of the text. It really shows how alone the teenager is in his situation. And his internal dialogue shows his obvious intense fear.
“Finally ... An exit ... The outside ... I’m fre-- ”
A hell of a way to end this prologue, with a dash and therefore a cliffhanger of sorts. I know this is a PMD fic, and I must say it’s also a hell of a way to start a PMD fic. Everything’s mysterious yet very detailed at the same time. Your vocabulary and diction for everything was very spot-on. I also enjoyed the characterization for these two characters, though I doubt we’ll be seeing them anytime soon. Overall a very enjoyable read but I think I’d have to read a real chapter to get a feel for what the fic is really like.

All Doug knew was that when he woke up exactly ten and a half seconds later, he was laying haphazardly across a shattered flatscreen monitor in the subsidiary control room for the water, gas, and power lines that sat directly underneath the observation deck like a weary adventurer under a tree.
Lol, the adventurer under a tree is an interesting comparison, since it seems like a calming image to me.

“Doug ... Weren’t you the one to tell me that ‘he was better off dead’ rather than returning to the surface? So what if he’s dead, then? We have no visible proof that he is dead as neither of us saw the results. So, even if he is gone or the Gate, by some miracle, actually worked, then either way, he is in a better place. Now, unless we want to die ourselves, you’d better get your sorry rear over here and take a mask,” Henry stated, giving Doug’s shoulder a strong shake. The wizened man held a mask and watch-like machine out, indicating for Doug to take them.
How nice of Henry to point out Doug’s inconsistencies. I guess it’s hard to be consistent in a situation like this, though.
As if sharing its lament over the loss of its employee, the massive building groaned as the concrete ceiling caved in on the transport chamber, giving Matthew at the very least an impromptu burial underneath several tons of the facility he had loved.
Sad, but good paragraph. You gave Gideon a good personality and decent good-bye for the short time he was there.

I didn’t have much to point out in the second part since I pointed it out in the first part. Your vocabulary is advanced for your age, your description is spectacular, and I await to see other characterizations. My only complaint is that you dragged out the prologue quite a bit. I can sum up what happened in a single sentence: Two men, Doug and Henry, are lamenting the loss of their project due to an attack on their facility, and they escape. That’s about all that happened, yet you spent 20-30 pages describing it. Still, it was well written, so I don’t mind too much.
 
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Knightfall

Blazing Wordsmith
Thank you for reviewing, DP!

Just a couple nitpicks here. Make sure your dashes actually look like dashes instead of two hyphens squished together. Also, I wouldn’t use “comm.” Unless it was in dialogue, it sounds too informal here.

I've always had trouble with getting the full dash to appear. Windows is supposed to automatically do that when I put two hyphens and a space, but apparently it doesn't work all the time.

“an” not “a”. Normally I wouldn’t be so nitpicky with grammar but since this is the prologue and it’s supposed to grab the reader’s attention, everything counts. I will say, though, that you have a handle for all this electrical, scientific jargon. There’s no way I could write stuff like this. I admire it. Lmao.

Feel free to be as nitpicky as you want! I'm perfectly fine with making this as perfect as possible! And, thanks! I've been interested in electronics for a long time, so I tend to include that vocabulary in my work.

Damn son, that really just happened!!! That guy just left him there to die after telling him how worthless he was. I love it.

That's something that wasn't there in the original version. I'm happy you enjoyed it. These two characters, while only seen in this chapter, are two of my favorites.

I particularly liked this bit of description. In this short span of time you’ve shown exactly what two men, leading two entirely different lives, would do in a life-or-death situation. You’ve also shown their relationship pretty well.

You'll see just how much I love description in this story. :D And, I kinda pulled out all the stops with them because I only have them for this one chapter.

A hell of a way to end this prologue, with a dash and therefore a cliffhanger of sorts. I know this is a PMD fic, and I must say it’s also a hell of a way to start a PMD fic. Everything’s mysterious yet very detailed at the same time. Your vocabulary and diction for everything was very spot-on. I also enjoyed the characterization for these two characters, though I doubt we’ll be seeing them anytime soon. Overall a very enjoyable read but I think I’d have to read a real chapter to get a feel for what the fic is really like.

Heh, I know you wrote this before finishing the prologue, but thank you. It was my goal as I started this story to make it as different from a usual PMD story as I possibly could. And, you could always read Chapter One and onwards... XD I kid.

Lol, the adventurer under a tree is an interesting comparison, since it seems like a calming image to me.

It was meant to be out of place, like you said, it conjures up a different image than you'd expect for this situation.

Sad, but good paragraph. You gave Gideon a good personality and decent good-bye for the short time he was there.

You are the first to mention Gideon! I am glad you enjoyed him as he was the first character I had that ... well, kills himself. There's not a lot of true research you can do to know how to write that, so I had to use my imagination to place myself in his shoes and went from there. He was a short lived character, but I'm glad you thought he was memorable.

I didn’t have much to point out in the second part since I pointed it out in the first part. Your vocabulary is advanced for your age, your description is spectacular, and I await to see other characterizations. My only complaint is that you dragged out the prologue quite a bit. I can sum up what happened in a single sentence: Two men, Doug and Henry, are lamenting the loss of their project due to an attack on their facility, and they escape. That’s about all that happened, yet you spent 20-30 pages describing it. Still, it was well written, so I don’t mind too much.

Thank you! I take pride in that fact, especially since my English 3 class is filled with people who can hardly write a decent essay. I hope we have a creative writing section, because I'll blow them out of the water then.

Anyways, you'll find that to be another recurring characteristic of my writing. I like long chapters. My chapters usually range from 25 to 32 pages each, though some of the early ones are much less than that. I know this could have been shortened, but I feel that it was done for the sake of character development.

Thank you again, DP! I appreciate it!

Knightfall signing off... ;005;
 

Sidewinder

Ours is the Fury
There was no wind. There was no wind, yet the tall, golden fronds of grass swayed like waves on a fabled sea. The shimmering plants tossed their grainy heads around in the nonexistent breeze, almost glowing in their unspoiled splendor. Sunlight, floating down from the great orb in the heavens, caressed the massive field like a giant hand stirring the surface of a still pond. It was the picture of perfect calm.

First off, I liked the entire paragraph, beautiful description. Which is obviously to be expected. You really painted an interesting picture so great job. Secondly, my only real problem with it was how many times you described the lack of wind. I counted three times and it felt a bit too excessive to me. I might recommend taking out 'nonexistent breeze', because on that one I was almost thinking, "I get it! There's no wind!"... Not in an annoyed way you understand, it just became a bit tedious and drew my attention instead of focusing on the paragraph and the description as a whole. You dig?

He felt himself, his skin, his arms, his hands, and his legs pressed against the cool, dry earth.

That's one more little tidbit that rubbed me the wrong way. You could have accomplished the same thing by just saying body instead of listing all the extremities. Hell, that may just be my personal preference but it felt just a bit too wordy to me

His head spun madly as his brain had to adjust to the sudden change in alignment and blood flow. Both hands sprang to the sides of his skull as he cradled it while he rocked slowly back and forth on the ground. He wanted nothing more than the world to stop its breakneck rotation, but was only rewarded with a strong wave of nausea passing over him. His body lurched forward, and he was only barely able to hold himself up on his shaking arms as his stomach tried to clear itself of all previous contents.

LMAO, if I didn't know better I'd say that he was hammered. Seriously, that describes what happen when you have way too much to drink perfectly. Kudos to you on that not just because of the awesome description but you displayed a really good feel for body feelings there. Loved it

it to have a large horn-like protrusion extending from the back of his skull.

You might do better changing the 'horn', to 'crest'. I feel like that's more physiologically accurate. Again, probably just nitpicking, but it caught my eye

Within an instant, he was slammed with sensations of pure pain. Every nerve on his body activated and sent their most powerful signals to his brain, nearly overloading it with anguish. His body acted without his consent as his foot immediately jerked back from his tail, kneeing himself in the gut with the same action. He was already breathless from the initial pain, but the secondary input almost sent him to the ground again.

Once again, beautiful description there. I know I keep jabbering about it, but I remember this chapter way back when you posted it and your experience and skill has increased ten fold since then. Nicely done sir

... Human. I’m... Human? Is that what I am?” Leo slowly asked himself, processing the classification in his head. He wasn’t sure, much like everything else he had gone through today. It seemed just as plausible as anything, though something unnerved him at how quickly the answer came through. He never even got a chance to sit down before the word soared into his consciousness, or range of hearing, he still wasn’t sure which had detected it.

You also did a wonderful job describing the amnesia like effects. I can't remember the word for having something on the tip of your tongue but just can't get it out, but that's what most of this chapter as felt like so far. You've created this almost unformed being with Leo here and his struggle to figure everything out is not only wonderfully described but entirely believable. It's so much fun to get back to Leo in these early days lol

recycled steel platform

Recycled? Hmm, that seemed odd to me. If it's integral to the description of the room that's one thing, but otherwise it made me stumble a bit. If it isn't you can get away with just saying steel platform

“This is number eight, Doug. Come on, let’s get out of here.”

Awesome way to end a chapter

All in all, I enjoyed my read, just like always. Your grammar is annoyingly tidy as always XD. This was a nice throwback to the beginning and I liked it because it got me out of the chaos that were in right now in the story and focused back on Leo, which is the sole reason I like this story so much. Granted, we stepped back from the current chaos and went back to the old chaos, but it was a nice change of pace and made me even more eager for the next installment. Nicely done buddy
 

Knightfall

Blazing Wordsmith
First off, I liked the entire paragraph, beautiful description. Which is obviously to be expected. You really painted an interesting picture so great job. Secondly, my only real problem with it was how many times you described the lack of wind. I counted three times and it felt a bit too excessive to me. I might recommend taking out 'nonexistent breeze', because on that one I was almost thinking, "I get it! There's no wind!"... Not in an annoyed way you understand, it just became a bit tedious and drew my attention instead of focusing on the paragraph and the description as a whole. You dig?

Thank you! While it is a bit redundant, I do admit, I did want to make that point made. I'll probably go and edit it soon to make it less ... tedious, as it were.

That's one more little tidbit that rubbed me the wrong way. You could have accomplished the same thing by just saying body instead of listing all the extremities. Hell, that may just be my personal preference but it felt just a bit too wordy to me

Fixed! You're right, that did sound a bit weird...

LMAO, if I didn't know better I'd say that he was hammered. Seriously, that describes what happen when you have way too much to drink perfectly. Kudos to you on that not just because of the awesome description but you displayed a really good feel for body feelings there. Loved it

Yay? I'm not sure how to react. XD I've never drank or had a hangover before, so I had to go with my imagination for this and for the small bit I've seen actual examples of.

Once again, beautiful description there. I know I keep jabbering about it, but I remember this chapter way back when you posted it and your experience and skill has increased ten fold since then. Nicely done sir

Thank you! That's what I love to hear: that I've improved from before. I tried to keep the chapter the same, but updated to reflect my new writing standards.

You also did a wonderful job describing the amnesia like effects. I can't remember the word for having something on the tip of your tongue but just can't get it out, but that's what most of this chapter as felt like so far. You've created this almost unformed being with Leo here and his struggle to figure everything out is not only wonderfully described but entirely believable. It's so much fun to get back to Leo in these early days lol.

It was a lot of fun going back to this and shaping his character for the first time again. It reminded me how much joy I had when I first created his character and how much more I have yet to do with him.

Awesome way to end a chapter

All in all, I enjoyed my read, just like always. Your grammar is annoyingly tidy as always XD. This was a nice throwback to the beginning and I liked it because it got me out of the chaos that were in right now in the story and focused back on Leo, which is the sole reason I like this story so much. Granted, we stepped back from the current chaos and went back to the old chaos, but it was a nice change of pace and made me even more eager for the next installment. Nicely done buddy

Henry is pretty badass, if I do say so myself. :D

Anyways, thank you very much! I am happy you liked going through the updated version. That alone made it worth it. And, I do plan on bringing the focus of the story back to Leo more soon, but the other characters require some development as well. But, you can be sure of seeing more Leo soon.

Knightfall signing off... ;005;
 

Azurus

The Ancient Absol
I will post replies one at a time as I read your updates, as these chapters posts and the re-written ones are on separate pages and I do not want to forget what I read.

Anyway, I apologize for waiting so long to respond to this, I am truly sorry.

Well well well, ?????, you seem to be doing all the hero work today, shame that your actions aren't as such but only to fulfil your contract with the employer.

I've been enjoying everyones unconscious character development as the placement works really well considering the circumstances and helps create a more believable story rather than somebody remembering their past as they sit there, spacing out.

Another thing I like is the Froslass, Ira. Her personality or behaviour I should say, is very well done. I can't understand half of that stuff she says withought a translator but it really helps cement that she is ancient but not living in the past as many old beings do. Her whole, preserving the moment thing she has going on with her ice sculptures, way of speech being ancient and modern, is so good. Words cannot adequately describe what I'm trying to say there.

I liked the end to this chapter as being rescued by darkness, rather than light, is interesting.

Looking forward to more and please, bother me more often to catch up, I almost forgot how the story was supposed to go.
 

Azurus

The Ancient Absol
Chapter 1 is significantly more engaging now, and I am excited to see how much, how well, and how far these rewrites will go.

I also wonder if Doug and Co. will have cut aways at the end of chapters until they reach a combination of Leos chapters or if it will only be for a while.

Coulda sworn you had chapter two re-written, but anyway, looking forward to your works. As always.
 

Knightfall

Blazing Wordsmith
Anyway, I apologize for waiting so long to respond to this, I am truly sorry.

Not a problem, man. I'm hardly one to hound people to read my story. Just as long as you enjoy it when you do get around to reading it.

Well well well, ?????, you seem to be doing all the hero work today, shame that your actions aren't as such but only to fulfil your contract with the employer.

I've been enjoying everyones unconscious character development as the placement works really well considering the circumstances and helps create a more believable story rather than somebody remembering their past as they sit there, spacing out.

It's actually ????????. The number does matter. Anyways, I've been planning his actions for a while now. I want to make him more than a shady villain, I want people to be confused by his motives.

Thanks! I do tend to go into character's pasts a lot, but I try to make it believable when I do so (unless, of course, they're supposed to be spacing out).


Another thing I like is the Froslass, Ira. Her personality or behaviour I should say, is very well done. I can't understand half of that stuff she says withought a translator but it really helps cement that she is ancient but not living in the past as many old beings do. Her whole, preserving the moment thing she has going on with her ice sculptures, way of speech being ancient and modern, is so good. Words cannot adequately describe what I'm trying to say there.

Ira is a villain I feel that I killed off too soon. She was a character that I spent a good deal of time developing so that she'd be a memorable threat. Her thought processes are odd, yes, but that's what I love about her as well. It's going to be hard to find another one like her, but you'd better believe me that I'm going to try.

I liked the end to this chapter as being rescued by darkness, rather than light, is interesting.

It's rather symbolic, really. For this chapter and the rest of the story.

Chapter 1 is significantly more engaging now, and I am excited to see how much, how well, and how far these rewrites will go.

I also wonder if Doug and Co. will have cut aways at the end of chapters until they reach a combination of Leos chapters or if it will only be for a while.

Coulda sworn you had chapter two re-written, but anyway, looking forward to your works. As always.


That's precisely what I was going for. Chapter 1 used to be rather crude for my tastes, so I'm happy I got the opportunity to refine it.

Well, Doug's scene coincides with the original Chapter 1. It's probably not going to be a normal occurrence, but I'm not saying it'll never happen.

And, Chapter Two is not going to be rewritten for quite a long time. It's not as bad as Chapter 1 and the original Prologue were, and so, I'm going to hold off on rewriting it or anything else until later.

I'm glad you enjoyed it, man. Your input means a lot to me.

Knightfall signing off... ;005;
 

Knightfall

Blazing Wordsmith
Chapter Sixteen: Abeyance


“I can already hear their anguished cries, even as I try to shut out the voices while I writhe in my nightmares. I am in paradise, yet my kindred are still trapped in Erebus, my brother is lost. But, I still have to complete my mission. I am condemning them all to a fate far worse than the stockade. Millions will suffer. And for what? The survival of this world permanently stained crimson with its own blood? There is no hope for a brighter future, only one that can raise its head to see the sun and the stars on the fringes of Elysium.”
— Journal of Grovyle, Eastern Forest territory of the Kingdom. Recovered by Kingdom Intelligence Agency during the Time Gear Crisis



“I am one who laid you low. I deserve an answer.” Quiet. The gears spun on, greased by blood and clockwork. “You refuse to speak. All my works, my plans, you do not approve? You must see that I am trying to save the world. I only need to purge it of its sin.”

“You will burn before you burn this world. ”

“It matters not what you say. I will recover the Artifact and with you I will restore what was lost...”


The darkness clung to him. It took hold when he had faltered in the canyon, and it had yet to leave him. Sight was nothing to him now. Little more than a memory that haunted him like a severed limb. He felt the sunlight against his fur, yet the sun’s beauty was withheld from him. Jay let his legs dangle off the side of the barracks while he allowed the gentle breeze to blow through his faded fur. Sweet smells of food baking in the market below him entered his nose as he wistfully imagined what the delicious breads looked like.

As he listened to the Pokémon mill about the square beneath him, his mind returned to the events that had transpired two days ago. He remembered waking up in a bed while Quark’s monotonous tone calmed him. It told him not to be afraid and that he was safe, but he still felt afraid, blind, and disorientated. Within minutes, he broke down into hysterics. After Kelly had calmed him down, Quark finally gave his diagnosis. His eyes had atrophied, so they had to spend the coming weeks in near darkness in order to recover. While it was not permanent blindness, he didn’t feel good about being forced to tie a band of crimson cloth around his eyes.

While he had been rather opposed to the treatment, he found that it wasn’t bad after a time. The cloth was soft and smooth, yet it didn’t require constant adjusting. Quark had slipped it under his useless aura sensors and psychically fastened the knot. Fortunately, his injuries were the worst of the team. Leo and Noah only needed Oran-soaked bandages for their wounds, and Kelly spent the day wrapped in a blanket, sitting next to the Charmeleon to recover from the cold. While Jay couldn’t see it, Quark kept him constantly updated on the other’s conditions until the next day. Unfortunately, the freedom from the Alakazam’s care meant reporting to Torrent again.

Jay’s mind snapped back into reality as a gust of cool air rushed past him. He looked around, shaking away the uncomfortable memories of the general’s harsh interrogation regarding their escapade. For once Jay was genuinely glad Noah had been with them; the Dewott expertly presented their case. He could only listen while Noah showed Torrent a tooth he had supposedly knocked out from the dragon and the wounds they had from Blue Sun Canyon. It was only after Leo and Kelly told him of the Froslass —both omitting the Mismagius’s role— that the Feraligatr became convinced.

Jay stood on the roof, letting the cooling wind wash away his weariness. Torrent had debriefed them afterwards, revealing that they had been missing for three days inside the dungeon. The Feraligatr seemed to be at a loss of how to explain it. Noah’s story proved that hardly a day passed inside of the Canyon. None of it made sense to Jay.

The Riolu gingerly walked the eaves, letting the wind catch him every time his body shifted. He knew it was dangerous, he knew it was foolish to attempt it with his blinded sight, but he wasn’t going to let it stop him. He wasn’t about to let anything stop him. Jay concentrated on his feet to find the narrow path ahead while he felt the wind tell him when and where to lean. Despite the shouts from the villagers and soldiers below telling him to come down, he carried on. He had to try and see the tribulations ahead.

I have to think. I can still see ... It’s just different now. I have to see ... by touch, his thoughts reminded him, as if they too were determined to see him succeed. However, his mind raced elsewhere. Torrent’s meeting had revealed news. Silver City had come under martial law due to a riot in the city’s ghettos.

“That was hardly news,” Jay huffed.

Silver had always had a revolt going on, regardless whether it reached the public eye or not. The Federation usually kept a good handle on them until they were broken up or burned out. But this time, Torrent seemed to waver when he said that the riot hadn’t ceased. Jay had already let the crisis wash over him. It didn’t concern him, not anymore.

He found another ledge on the roof. After listening to the noise below, or rather the lack thereof, he was able to deduce that it was an alley. The Riolu vaulted over the raised edge of the store roof and landed with a thud among boxes.

He had to find his team once again. They were the only ones he belonged with. They would be the ones who would help him. They would help him see again.


Noah tossed the silver badge into the air and caught it in his paws. The circular object flipped over, glinting in the morning sun. He casually walked down the cobblestone path from the military barracks of Shiloh to the market. Since being released from Quark, he had taken to exploring the town of Shiloh and seeing what had changed since the company had last holed up here.

“Let’s see ... There’s always the option of going through the Orb shop. I could try to convince them to take away that life-time ban. Besides, it wasn’t my fault they keep the Itemizer Orbs out in the open like that,” he muttered while pinning the badge onto his worn satchel.

Shiloh Town was small; the community’s population doubled when a new company came to occupy the barracks on the edge of town. Shiloh was nestled among the gently sloping hills and valleys of the southern Borderlands region—seemingly secluded enough to ignore the frontlines just to the north. Noah kept walking, cheerfully waving to Pokémon on their way to the fields. There was good reason for the Kingdom to protect this area with a fort; the regenerative berries they grew were the closest supply for the army.

Despite its remoteness and drawbacks, Noah enjoyed coming to Shiloh. In the two years he had been with Torrent, he had helped pave the town’s streets, tended the berry crop, and cleared snow in the winter, among other public works the general planned for them. He smiled to himself. He saw the town for what it truly was: Torrent’s personal kingdom. The towering Feraligatr always lovingly mentioned the town, and Noah had found entries upon entries in his journal about the farming village.

Unlike the other members of Team Salient, the Dewott felt amazing. The few gashes he received from the ice dragon were healed and the weariness was purged from him. The single trophy he claimed from his victory, a large pointed tooth, swung from the cord around his neck. He rubbed his paw along the serrated edges of the tooth, letting the pride that he had helped kill its ruthless owner rise again. He was glad he finally had a relic of his own to rival Leo’s odd key. Noah began thinking of the vendors on the black market of Silver City who might be able to secure a gold thread for it, and once he had that, Leo’s key wouldn’t stand a chance.

Within minutes, he reached the parlor of the humble Orb shop, its weathered roof shedding shingles like a tree in autumn. Bounding up the creaking steps, he peered through the dusty window and knocked on the slanted wooden door.

“Hey! Anyone in there? Look, I’m sorry about yesterday, I swear!” he shouted, hoping that someone would open up.

Nothing in his field of expertise in laying ambushes could have prepared him for what happened next. The door quickly snapped open, leaving barely enough space for the owner’s green paw to reach through the gap and toss a shining blue Orb down at his feet. The door closed with a slam as the crystalline artifact exploded into a thousand glittering fragments across the floor. Before he could brace himself, a cloud of rippling air shot towards him. The ball of wind smacked into his stomach, knocking the breath out of his lungs, and slamming him against the general store across the street. The hard clay wall met his back with an embracive hit into his spine. Noah slid down the wall as onlookers began to mill around.

“Excuse me! Move please! I said please!”

The shouting was unmistakably Jay’s. Noah shook off the dizziness clinging to the back of his skull and painfully pushed himself up. Sure enough, he could see Jay’s form shoving itself through the Pokemon The Riolu sidestepped a large, steel-plated monster and appeared at the forefront of the crowd.

“I thought I heard you. That is you, right? Noah?” Jay asked and held out an uncertain paw. Noah readily accepted the assistance and hopped to his feet, gradually losing the interest of the crowd.

“Thanks, mate. I appreciate it. So, how you liking that thing? Looks pretty sweet, I gotta say. Red looks good on you, man,” Noah replied with a grin he knew Jay could not see. The blinded Riolu didn’t say a word and only folded his arms.

“You can stop with the jokes, Noah. It’s not going to help me see any sooner,” Jay huffed. It was only the two of them now, the crowd had left

“A little humor makes life worth living, Jay. Come on, you’ll get your sight back. Don’t act like it’s the end of the world. Trust me, when that happens, then you have my permission to be depressed,” Noah countered jovially. But not even his heightened spirits seemed to do any good for his sight-deprived friend. He knew he had to find something that would snap Jay out of the haze. After a minute, Noah clapped his paws together and let out a celebratory whoop. “I’ve got it! Come on, Jay! Let’s all go on a mission! We’ll find one with a good reward, and we’ll have a grand time exploring a dungeon in the process! There’s nothing to lose!”



“The Cave.” His voice resonated within the hollow stone. “I chose the darkness to live without the guilt or sun. Be blinded by the light or see in the abyss. Questions. Questions. Questions.” Ian limped along the dark passage, holding the glowing blue shard in one claw and in the other, a piece of crimson clay. Runes. Depictions. Scribblings. Characters of unknown description. All of these stained the endless corridors of the labyrinth. He took a deep breath, his body shuddering. The pain was eating him, but he would not let it steal his soul. He would not let it pry away his stubborn mind again.

“Lost, damned, and beaten. They all are chained to the fire.” Claws brushed along the rough stone, scraping over the murals he had drawn. Long ago, when the whispers had just started, he had obeyed them without hesitation. His soul tied to their horrid mutterings. He had seen the exit more times than there were stars in the skies far above. Yet he remained in the dark. Searching, waiting, hoping for another way. One that ascended into the light. He often spent days gazing into it, wondering if the thoughts locked away in his mind would lurk in the oozing blackness.

Chalk ground itself into the wall, the fine powder catching along the ridges in the rock until it began to talk to him. Their voices were always the same, yet always changing, never stationary. Their melodious tones soothed his aching head and all the thoughts that raced within it. He knew he had to leave; this long abandoned corridor was playing tricks on his eyes. But the mural was not done: the story unfinished and characters undeveloped. They were merely colors on the walls, but soon they would be radiant; glowing with the power and light of the stars he longed to see.

They would be his saviors. But if they were to find him when judgement day came with its blazing dawn, then he had no choice. He had to finish or risk being left behind once the world would be incinerated under the wrath of the unchained gods.

“Just a little longer ... Just a few more lines ... A little bit of color here,” the Breloom’s voice whispered as he carefully applied the small remainder of the colored rock to the outline. He nimbly switched between colors in his tattered satchel, holding both crimson and blue in his dexterous claws. The crumbling material graced the eye of his savior, filling in the grey expanse with a gentle shade of light blue. He was fire. Ignis.

He moved on, the other characters could not wait. He produced yellow, blue, black, and aqua from his leather bag. His arms moved at a fever pitch before his dazed eyes. He could not think, he could not feel, he could only draw what the frenzied thoughts commanded. A language he did not know —or at the very least, one he did not remember learning in the endless night produced by this dungeon.

“The saviors: Ignis, Tonitrua, Animus, et Aqua... At long last,” Ian muttered and let the chalk slip from his claws. The drawing tool clattered to the stone and rolled along the ground. He had seen it in the fading light of the Luminous Orb. The work his broken mind had forced him to undertake was done. No more drawing, no more runes. He had finished it. They were there. Staring at him, yearning to be set free. His fists shook with rage. There had to be a mistake. They could not be here, for if they were here, they were trapped. They were trapped. After all that he did for them, the murals he draw upon the walls, the words he had carved, and stories he told himself were all for naught.

“No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No!” he exploded and spit shot from his mouth. His throat caught on fire, burning his mouth as the words flew at his imprisoned heroes. He slumped to the base of the fantastic drawing, wanting his tears to wipe away the painful reminder of his own insanity.

“Ian. Stop. I told you to stay away from the mural, did I not? Please ... Stop coming here. You never find what it is you’re looking for here.” Ian’s eyes snapped open. The voice of logic had returned. The voice of a friend. The quivering Breloom slowly turned his withered head to face the digital Pokémon hovering directly in beside him.

“Ian. Do not return here. No one is here for you. Not Sophie or these ‘saviors’ of yours. We have to find them elsewhere,” Vertex stated in a hushed tone. Somewhere deep down, beneath the troubled surface of his brain, he knew that Vertex was right. There was nothing for him here. He would only keep on destroying himself if he continued down this path.

“W-wait! Ver-Tex! T-there’s something here! I swear, I found it!” Ian cried, waving to the digital Pokémon, who was trying his best not to be alarmed by the sudden mood swing.

“Ian, there is nothing here. We have to go. I don’t want to see you hurt anymore,” Vertex whispered, his synthesized voice dropping even lower. Ian’s claws began to tremble. He had seen it in the abyss. He had seen the door to the end of the world. All he had to do was reach out and he would be free.

“This time. Please, Vertex. You have to help me reach it...” He straightened up and looked over at the unknown passage. It stretched open as the yawning jaws of a monster, vast and cavernous, and always craving.

“Ian ...” Vertex sighed while Ian anxiously eyed the Porygon2.

“Fine. We’ll go explore this passage. Let us hope it will not be like the last area. I will not be able to dig you out again,” the smaller Pokémon said, rising up off the dusty floor. The white, pixelated retinas became illuminated as twin beams of light flashed in the darkness. Ian crawled to his feet and gingerly followed behind his anchor to reality into the maintenance tunnel.

Pain shot through his crudely bandaged leg. Bright red blood began dripping through the filthy cloth, surely infected. His worn satchel beat against his emaciated side with each agonized step, and the thin shadow that followed him became a constant reminder to him to how long it had been since he had eaten. His stomach had long ago stopped crying out for nourishment and was silently burning away his insides for nourishment. However, none of these problems had caused him greater discomfort than his skin. The once cream and green colored patches were now dulled down until he was nearly bleached of all pigment, leaving him with the appearance of wrinkled paper. Tears bubbled in his eyes with each movement he made.

“There’s nothing here, Ian,” Vertex reported ahead of him while the artificial intelligence’s eyes sweep across the gloomy aisle. Ian continued to limp behind, wincing when the lurid wrappings about his right leg became soaked with blood. For once, he wished his mind would pass into the phase of disjointedness so that he would be numb to the pain until they found the door.

“You’ll find it. I know you will, Ian.” He hardly raised his head at the voice calling out to him. Sophie’s ghostly vestige was the sole being he could talk to in his madness, so hearing her was nothing new. It gave him hope that he was lapsing into the delusion he desperately craved as an opiate for the world.

“I know I will, Sophie. Thank you, m’ dear,” he answered, trying to put on a brave face and calm voice for the Mawile hallucination. Vertex merely sighed and returned to scanning the corridor

“You won’t find it like that. Do you even remember the time back in Darknight Relic? Do you remember that you, Chuck, and I wandered around for days before we found what we had to do to see? Same here.” Her words seemed real —they always had— but now was different. This time she was giving coherent advice. Relevant guidelines for him to follow. This was not simply the empty, sweet-voiced nothings she often uttered to him. These were real.

“Are you certain? We’ll be lost if not...” he countered, desperately hoping that the voice would give proof. He shot a nervous glance over at Vertex. He wanted, no, needed to be absolutely certain that this was the right course of action. Otherwise, he would certainly drop to his knees and die in the void.

“Yes, I’m quite sure, Ian. I know I haven’t been good for you before, but you have to trust me this time. You’re very close. Do this and you’ll find it,” she reassured, confidence and true emotion emanating from her words. Ian straightened his back, pain no longer an issue, and strode forward; silently closing the distance between him and his smaller counterpart. He knew he had to act now. He had to see.

Quicker than he thought was possible, the Breloom dropped into a crouch behind his friend, pulled his right arm back, and shot forward at the base of Vertex’s head. The impact held the force of an explosion upon detonation. Dialga’s heart, the pulse of time, froze. The Porygon2 crumpled to the force of gravity, his digital eyes flickering before shutting down. Ian dove to catch him in the same claws that killed him. Tears streamed down his face while he cradled the flickering Pokémon in his arms.

“I’msosorryI’msosorryI’msosorry...” he whispered to the fading sparks of his last friend. The trust that had saved both their lives countless times had blown away like seeds from a dandelion in a breeze.

“... W ... hy?” Vertex croaked through his slurred vocal processors. Dull eyes dizzily focused on Ian. Darkness began to grow around them in direct proportion to the AI’s dying glow. The tiny electric ember encased by smooth pink and blue finally burnt out after the months they had spent surviving. Together.

“You’ll see, Vertex. We’ll both see. I promise,” Ian choked out amid sobs. Regret shredded and tore away at his insides. He wanted it to stop, but there was nothing he could do. There was nothing in his satchel to repair the fatal damage to Vertex’s vital data processing areas.

Ian tore his gaze away from the falling star. His eyes feverishly scanned the walls. Feeling his mind slipping, his body contorted, and the cloak of opaque nothingness suffocated him. Its oozing tendrils crawled down his gasping mouth and squeezed his lungs shut. He was going to die. He foolishly had trusted the visions in the dark and now his beloved friend bled over his cold, trembling arms.

He heard the haunting swing of the scythe and the beat of the angel of death’s massive, grey-feathered wings above him. He had seen it many times before, standing there with the long-handled scythe in his hands, waiting for him. And now, after years of waiting, the reaper would win, and he would be reunited with his team in Elysium. He would be free to roam the eternally sun-lit fields of unending happiness. He would be with Sophie.

“Don’t look at him, Ian! You can’t go with him! Quick, look to your left! It’s working!” Sophie’s sudden outburst broke the trance. His eyes blinked, seeing the black-robed angel retreat back into the shadows. Ian slowly turned his gaze to his left, afraid of what he might or might not see.

Outlined in faint blue lines along the previously blank section of wall, the shape of a door, cleverly disguised in the unending tunnel. A slight smile etched its way across his cracked face. The Breloom stumbled to his aching feet, still clutching Vertex deliriously. Splintered claws clicked across the stone.

“There! I knew it was there!” Ian screamed in euphoria, tears of pain and joy running down his dried face. Vertex weakly groaned, the electrical synapses in his mind not yet dead. How long it had been there, hiding in the shadows, was something he would never know. He only knew he had to reach the end.

A rumble shook the floor; great masses of stone grated and cracked against one another in discontent harmony. Ian stumbled and slammed into the rock, desiccated flesh tearing from his left shoulder. Dust rained down upon the withered spore cap on his head, but Ian shook it off while he continued his walk towards salvation.

“Employee 286. How in Verus you managed to survive I don’t know, but well done. If you'd kindly return to us, then you’ll see that none of this is real,” the cold voice broadcasted over the unseen amplification devices far above. Ian’s heart dropped and his body nearly followed suit. A cold, jarring shiver slammed his form, sending him careening.

“S-shut up! You can’t see me! Y-You can’t see me!”

“Oh, but I can, little weed.” The great hall he had just left immediately became an orchestra of destruction. The ground thundered violently. Ian clutched the wall and struggled to keep his footing amid the rattling stone. Great machines groaned and creaked, their pipes aching at the pressure of the water and chemicals pumped through them. The vaulted ceiling, an architectural feat of the ancient ones, could not stand against the cruel engines of science.

“Celebi of the sacred glade, save me. Deliver my tainted soul and protect me from all transgressions. Celebi, watcher of the woods, I beseech ye to intervene, for I have done no wrong. Celebi, I plead my soul! Celebi, I implore! Celebi, hear me, your servant!” Ian cried, throwing himself to the floor. There was only laughter from the voice as the hall crumbled.

“I certainly hope you are dead by now. Several hundred tons of granite and iron would be enough to kill you. Don’t you think that you should be dead by —” Ian couldn’t take it any more. The last time he had hesitated, he had ended up in the clutches Regice. Something inside of his mind swiftly rent in two, shooting to his feet.

“SHUT UP! SHUT UP! SHUT UP! I AM STILL ALIVE!” Ian roared, spit flying from his enraged mouth. Snatching up Vertex and satchel, the deranged explorer sprinted towards the end of the accessway. He would finally escape the lowest level of Erebus. The voice cackled within the cords that amplified it.

“There is more than one way to flush out pests. Chemicals can be quite useful when used in the right mixtures. Quite toxic.” With those words, the great beast of iron shuddered while chemical blood pumped through its veins. Stone and time screamed in protest as the might of the machine drove them away, now unchallenged in his rise to power.

There was a screech of metal on iron skin, the wakening monster slit its arteries, allowing the precious compounds to pour forth. The microscopic molecules met in the dusty air. The catalyst was activated, the energy supplied, the reaction swiftly begun, and the product flooded the pure air with its toxic clouds. Had there been light, Ian might have been able to identify the poisonous gas based upon its color, but as of now, he simply knew he had to escape its deadly effects.

With feet vaulted over the decay, Ian could finally see the end: a simple iron ladder. A spark raced through his heart. He smelled the faint memories of the Gracideas, their phantom scents invigorating his rapidly failing body.

Breathing was harsh and labored against the gas that was seeping in. His mind had to hold out until he had reached the top. His feet nearly slipped on pebbles on the ground, skidding at the base of the iron structure. His heart beating like a war drum against fatigue, he lifted the flap of his satchel, and carefully deposited the unconscious Porygon2 tenderly into the bag.

“We’ll make it out. I promise.” The words were hollow, and he secretly prayed that Vertex could not hear. His voice of reason and friend now secured, Ian hoisted the bag onto his shoulder, sliding the worn strap across the blistered skin.

Without another thought, he swung himself onto the first rung, his curved claws struggling to keep a solid grip on the rusting metal. The invisible gas swelled on the ground below, steadily contaminating whatever air remained. Ian raised his head up and forced his weakened arms to grasp and pull. Pain pounded against his head, shattering his final stronghold of coherent thoughts. The labyrinthine maze shuddered, jostling the Breloom on his precarious perch. His mouth silently moved in calming prayers to Celebi while he hugged the ladder.

He looked up at the distance he still had to go, eyes instinctively squinting at the sudden appearance of a bright light —not sunlight but still wonderful. Shaking away the temporary blindness brought about by the sudden burst of light, Ian forced himself up. Flesh on his wrists rubbed against the deteriorating iron and left raw patches of bleeding skin behind.

I can do this. I can do this! Just a bit longer... his mind repeated, beginning to grow fuzzy with the creeping tendrils of a psychotic fit approaching. The light grew brighter. Ian felt the chemicals leach through his skin, burning it away piece by piece while iron clanged on his claws.

Science, long the usurper of superstition and rumor, would win again here against his delusions. Ian’s shivering head fell beneath the noxious fumes with a deep gasp. He continued to climb, even as the gas rose above him. The Breloom glanced down at the curled form of Vertex in his bag. He contemplated letting the strap slide off his shoulder and allowing gravity to do its job on his dear friend.

Ian, please... Don’t... The voice sounded like Vertex, but it wasn’t. He had no explanation for it, yet he decided to heed its pathetic pleas just as he had blindly followed Sophie’s order to destroy Vertex. With tears in his eyes, he held the bag tight and scrambled up the final remaining rungs while his lungs failed. His mouth exploded in a hot exhale and breathed in deep the lethal fumes that began corroding his body from the inside.

His claws reached the top and for once in his time in his prison, he was happy that unconsciousness finally forced him into submission. The light consumed him as the gas shut down his heart. He felt the cold iron leave him behind while weightless took away his burden. There were voices, panicked voices, but they were only delusions of his dying mind. That’s all anything could be in the end. And this was his end. He knew it was.

“I’m so sorry...” he whispered to Vertex, the words barely audible in death as angels surrounded him. He closed his eyes on the cruel world that had taken away his team and sanity. He looked forward for the glorious arrival of the spirit of the moon, Cresselia, to ferry him across the stars to paradise, Elysium. He only had to wait for the light to take him away.

Sophie, I’m coming.


Leo stretched out his arms, letting out a content yawn. Soft, fireproof cloth of the hammock caressed his stirring form and rocked him gently. Leo lifted both of his clawed feet over the edge. His eyes opened slowly to morning light while the blurred world came into focus. Slides of sunlight streamed through the skylight built for the bird Pokémon who resided in the fort, including one covered entirely in light brown and dark red plumage diving towards him out of the sky.

Leo’s groggy eyes widened and he flailed in the confines of his bed to escape the creature’s flight path. The hammock promptly flipped over, depositing the Charmeleon to the scratched wood floor. From his position under the spinning bed, Leo watched while the missile with feathers swooped in. The Pokémon, a Pidgeotto, flapped its impressive wingspan, and perched on his empty hammock.

“‘Leo! What are ya still doin’ in bed? E’ryone else’s already up!” Leo winced as Icarus squawked at him. For the last two days, much to Leo’s chagrin, Icarus had taken to becoming his personal alarm to wake him. “Come on, Leo! Torrent’s gonna have a fit if he sees you like this! He’s already in a bad mood. Noah caused a disturbance in town. Not quite sure wha’ happened there, mighta been something to do with tresspassin’ or something like that. Anyways, you gotta get up!” Leo couldn’t help but suppress a chuckle while climbing to his feet.

“Since when is Torrent ever in a good mood?” Leo asked with a smile. There was no doubt about it; his spirits had rebounded massively from where they had been two days ago. He had been the unintentional center of attention when Noah began recounting their tale all over town. Leo quickly discovered that he didn’t like the spotlight, especially after Noah had equated his dumb luck with igniting the beast on fire to an act on par with ancient heroes.

“Good point, come to think of it. The general is hardly cheery, is he? I mean, in all the years I’ve been with ‘im, I’ve hardly ever seen him crack a smile at all! It’s downright eerie, if you ask me. I’ve heard rumors, mostly from Noah that is, that he’s actually the son of a king of an icy land beyond the Northern Reaches, ” Icarus spoke, rapidly wandering off on the tangent. Before his mind was polluted with more gossip and conspiracy rumors, Leo walked past the Pidgeotto and into the hallway outside their section of the barracks. “Hoy! Wait up, Leo!” his former client huffed as he broke away from his fantastic story and slowed to a light hover beside Leo.

The hallway suddenly opened up into a much wider lobby area. Bulletin boards, similar to the ones near the dilapidated Post Office in Loyalty, lined the walls while crowds of Pokémon eyed the updates eagerly.He had only experience with two types of jobs that a rescue team could do: rescue missions and item retrievals, both of which ended in relative failure. Apparently there were much more that could be offered if he knew where to look. Some of the jobs listed he had Kelly read off seemed fun.

Huh... Escort mission... That doesn’t sound too hard...

While it was true that a good portion of his spirit to explore dungeons had been crushed by Nexus’s steel claws, Leo still wanted to see the positive aspects, if there were any. The Charmeleon had briefly wondered what it would be like to escort a client to some secret rendezvous, or as his mind streamed through the possibilities, hunting down a group of Kingdom outlaws in the dark depths of a dungeon. Perhaps doing an espionage mission into Colonial territory like some of the high profile teams— Team Emerald was one such team that made the dangerous trip almost daily. Leo’s spirit rose after the Grovyle leader had personally praised him for killing Ira, the infamous “Witch of the Blue Canyon,”.

“Leo! Ya still there?” Icarus squawked, waving his tan-colored wings in front of Leo’s face.

“Yeah, I’m here. What’s up?” Leo asked offhandedly, trying to scope out any interesting jobs. However, he failed to do so; the strange runes they were written in were beyond his comprehension.

I was able to read them back in Loyalty. Do they simply write differently here? Leo asked himself, puzzled at the strange shift in writing. Leo twisted his key about his neck, letting the golden band loop over his claws as he surveyed the sunlit lobby in an effort to find his teammates.

“Well, I’ve been askin’ you what you’re planning on doing today. Remember, you’re back on duty at noon,” Icarus noted.

“I’ll be hearing into town. I need to find my team. I don’t see them here,” Leo mused as he began to push his way through the crowd of colorful species, quickly apologizing to the owner of each tail, wing, paw, and flipper he stomped on his way outside.

“Alrighty then! Good luck with that, mate! Now, I’ve got some deliveries to make before the sun falls back down. I’ll be seeing ya!” Icarus quickly blurted before swiftly flapping his wings and launching himself into the sky. The Pidgeotto circled around to another part of the outpost in order to pick up the cargo to deliver. While he didn’t mind Icarus, Leo couldn’t help but be glad at being alone among his own thoughts again.

Leo meandered down the roads, passing by house and shops, all bustling with some sort of activity. The General Store run by a golden sword with silken arms and a smith’s forge attended by a snail made of boiling magma both caught his attention. A strange thought occurred to him; the civilization they had carved out for themselves was quite astounding. Regardless of his previous existence, he found it impressive viewing it from a state of tabula rasa.

He was nearly lost in his thoughts when a loud voice from behind and a tap on his shoulder shattered his observation. Leo eyes widened as his body twisted around and, by instinct, held his sharpened claws at the ready to face up against the intruding stranger.

“Jumpy and quick to fight. You’re just the Pokémon I’m looking for.” The female voice came from a creature he had never seen before. Her arms, each ending in two pronounced claws, were held across her chest of fine black fur that made her body shine in the sun. From her feet to the pink feather behind her ear, she looked stunning amid the weathered town.

“I’d ask why you’re looking at me like a Swellow does a Wurmple, but I’ve got more pressing issues at the moment. I need a couple strong Pokémon to help me out, and fortunately I found you instantly,” she stated, carefully walking around Leo with a critical eye. Leo quickly gulped and moved himself out of the Pokemon’s inquisitive range.

“No, no! I wasn’t—! I didn’t —! Mean to ...” he stammered as her nimble form closed. Her clawed feet barely touched the ground with every light step she took.

“Save it, Charmeleon. Now, back to my point. I need a few good ‘mon to help with a small something for the Kingdom. You willing to be a nice guy help me out here and serve your country?” Her voice carried a small tone that chipped away Leo’s initial will to flat-out refuse. The dark creature’s eyes seemed to gleam, making his will waiver even more.

“Wait up, whoever you are. I’ve still got another few hours’ worth of leave from Torrent. Why should I help when you haven’t told me anything?” Leo asked, countering the strange Pokémon. He saw her eyes widen for an instant in surprise before taking a step back. He smiled, letting a few of his fangs show. He would have to remember to thank Noah for the lessons in twisting a conversation when he next saw him.

“You’re friends with Noah, aren’t you? I can tell. He’s already corrupted you too. What a shame,” she said, her charming stare becoming a glare of disdain. “Regardless, I still need another pair of arms to help my crew. I’ll ask nicely once more. Please help me?” she huffed, tapping her foot against the dirt path impatiently.

“You don’t know the half of it. Anyways, who are you in the first place? If you’re under Torrent, then why have I never seen you before?” he muttered the first sentence under his breath, before he pointedly asked her the accusatory questions.

“He taught you well. Damn him. Name’s Kinsliy, a Sneasel if you’ve never seen me.” She let out a slight chuckle. “Officers don’t usually have to eat or train with the freshies Torrent picks up from countryside,” Kinsliy stated. She nonchalantly examined the thin blood-red scarf tied about her neck and a gold badge pinned to it. She admired the stately accessory while making sure that Leo caught a full glimpse of the ornate badge. Crimson eyes glared at him, transforming into a piercing gaze. “So, it seems I’ll have to convince you to tag along.” Kinsliy took a step towards Leo.

“C-convince me?” he asked, a small shiver of fear shooting through him. The threatening Sneasel only grinned in response, which did nothing to quell the fear building up in hm.

“One: I outrank you.” She took a step closer, holding up a single claw. Leo’s breathing quickened. His claws instinctively dug into the clay wall.

“Two: I outrank you.” She lifted another claw and suddenly lightly pressed them into the center of his chest, right above his wildly beating heart. His body seemed to be stuck.

“And three,” Kinsliy began. In a flash, her claws swung up from his chest. He flinched as they brushed against his neck. When he opened his eyes, she was standing on the opposite side of the road. Kinsliy was smiling and dangling something from her outstretched claws —something that shimmered with gold and gleamed with a bright blue crystal. “This may be of some value to you, I think.” She dangled the artifact. His claws flew to his neck to ensure that the Sneasel wasn’t tricking him. They were met with the scale-covered flesh and nothing else.

“Give it back! That’s mine!” Leo snarled, taking a step towards her.

“If you come this way, I’ll give it back. After you’ve helped me finish a job,” she ordered as she began walking away. Leo felt like a dog on a leash grudgingly following the Sneasel.

He grew more and more worried about the job the closer he got. Kinsliy refused to say anything further to him. While exiting the town Leo ruefully saw Noah, Kelly, and Jay talking in the square, but never got close enough to speak. He opted to keep his mouth shut instead of cursing the officer. No words were exchanged between them, leaving Leo ample space his thoughts. The first one of which was of the riots in Silver City

Most of what he knew of the fabled capital city was from the mumbled curses that came from Jay. While never seeing it, the lengthy descriptions from the Riolu about the gleaming spires of the Royal Palace and the Rescue Team Federation danced in his head. They contrasted wildly with the crowded lower sections Blade told him about before the Grovyle left on a mission.

Team Emerald hasn’t come back yet. I wonder what happened to them... he mused. His thoughts were interrupted by the magnificent sea of lush fields. Leo barely managed to withhold the sudden desire to sprint into the field of berries and relax. For an instant, he wanted to wish away the flame on his tail so he could enjoy the simple pleasures of swimming or not lighting things aflame by contact. His tail seemed to flicker at his thoughts.

“You know I don’t mean that,” Leo softly cooed, holding his tail in his claws. The temperamental flame flared brightly in his claws, bathing them with warmth.

“I’ll pretend I didn’t hear that and say that we’ve arrived,” Kinsliy interjected. The voice caused him to quickly let the tail drop back behind him while the Sneasel gave a scathing glare. Before him was a crude camp set up in the woods. Other Pokémon milled about, carrying logs and tools. “Here’s the sit-rep: we need some timber to shore up the fortifications ‘round here. You’re to help with cutting and hauling. Understood?” Kinsliy briefly stated, pointing to the woods. “Afterwards, if you do a good job, I’ll give you back your key. Got it? Good. Get to work”

Above him, Leo could barely make out the forms of Pokémon he vaguely remembered seeing in Torrent’s company working. Some of them used saws and hammers while others felled the mighty oaks with their attacks. Leo even saw the occasional flying bird and bug creatures hovering around the harvest project in the bright sunlight.

“Your job is going to be over there, hauling logs back to here. I’ll be back later. Got another set of ‘mon to yell at.” With that, Kinsliy’s lithe form flitted away into the bustling forest.

She wasn’t lying when she said she needed more hands on this job... his thoughts realized after counting the Pokémon. There were only five others tackling this huge task with him. Leo let out a huff of exasperation, swearing to get even with the Sneasel somehow. Steam snorted from his clenched jaw as he bent his legs to lift the large log .

“Greetings, Leo.” The world instantly darkened, like the sun had been enveloped by a massive cloud. He suddenly felt the world become disassociated from himself.
Immediately, Leo knew this meeting between them would not be standard. The Mismagius was not floating over the Charmeleon. Rather, the ghost was hovering in a fashion that looked like he was sitting. The picture was completed with a blue scarf he had wrapped around his neck.

“Come here, Leo. Sit with me. We have much to discuss.” Leo froze while a shudder passed through him. While he was used to the calculating voice giving him cryptic orders, never had he heard it void of malice. It was sincere, as if spoken between friends.

“I’m not going to mince words here, Leo. I feel that it is time we have a ‘heart to heart’ conversation. There are things you must be aware of before the storm bursts. I will ask you abstain from asking questions until I am finished.” The tired voice resonated from the ghost. Leo did his best to hold his tongue as the Mismagius cast a knowing glare followed by a slight smile on the corners of his pressed lips. An unknown, slithering sensation moved inside his scales. Leo immediately tried to squirm away from the invisible lengths of rope wrapping about inside his body that were effectively tying his bones in place.

“You are among the last, Leo. Among the dead and dying. The others I enlisted are utterly eliminated from this realm. Now, it falls to you to be the catalyst that speeds this reaction along.” This Mismagius hovered in front of Leo. The Charmeleon caught a closer glimpse of the strange blue scarf bearing the insignia of a piercing crimson eye, but it wasn’t the new scarf that caught Leo’s attention the most. The ghost’s face seemed to have aged since the last encounter.

“To answer the questions most assuredly burning away inside your skull, I got it from a friend of mine long ago. And now to answer your second question, which I believe is rather imperative to the success of this campaign.” Leo leaned forward, intrigued rather than frightened out of his mind at the prospect of what exactly the Mismagius planned on revealing. The purple specter took a deep breath, struggling to draw air beneath the weight of the world on his thin chest.

“Let your doubts be finally settled. You were at one point a human, Leo. That has of course changed now, but that much, at least, is according to my own design.” The floor might as well have been yanked out from beneath Leo’s feet. His mind didn’t seem to register. He had contemplated it and dropped the subject of humanity. All of that changed with those dozen words. Leo swore he heard his brain audibly click when the information was finally processed. He wanted to speak but his jaw refused to move.

“I see you are taking it well. Dwell on that while I touch on a related topic. You were not the only human to come here in recent times— I had dozens under my wing, but now, by a cruel twist of Fate, they are all unusable...” There was nothing to say. First humanity, and now this grisly revelation had been forced upon him. He didn't know what to feel. There were humans who had struggled and pressed their shoulders against the burden of the world yet failed to withstand the pressure. He was one of them, connected by flesh and species. Yet, he was still alive while they had joined the ranks of the fortunate dead. He didn't deserve to be here in the sun; he was no different than those who failed.

"You may be the last alive, but you are not special. You are simply the one who avoided all lethal misfortunes. Now, you are the only one who can carry on,”[\i][\b] the Mismagius said with a frustrated sigh. Leo’s mind was a mixture of confused hatred and eager realization. His thoughts seethed while biting his tongue to not blurt his protests outloud.

”So I am nothing to you, then? Why should I go along with your plans if I apparently mean so little?” The Mismagius turned, a discomforting glare greeting Leo.

“I saved you, Leo. Without me, your worthless carcass would have been mauled by intercrossing dimensions. I gave you a chance to live. My entire operation is on the verge of collapse, and all I have to work with is a few survivors, the least competent being yourself. Do not berate me for using you, as you owe me your existence,” the ethereal Pokémon snapped before sucking in a breath. Leo still stood in place, unable to move. When the Mismagius finished venting, he looked back at Leo. His bright yellow eyes shone with a softer brilliance than before. “I am sorry. That was unprofessional of me. The truth of the matter is that I am under an enormous amount of stress that correlates with the number of recent candidate deaths. Remember this Leo: there are forces within this world who actively wish to see it reduced to ruins and would gladly stab your back to see that goal come about.” The Mismagius looked out over the Pokémon frozen in their moments of toil. “Your team is what I have left to work with. Everyone else is too far gone to be saved, but with my efforts here, success can still be achieved.” He shifted his gaze to the side and Leo could only watch in forced resignation.

Continued Below​
 
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Knightfall

Blazing Wordsmith
Continued​

“You recall the deal I made with you, right? Where you follow my path in exchange for untampered dreams and life except when vital? Well, I would like to make a new deal with you, one that you can trust and have a vested interest in upholding for our mutual benefits. Does that sound appealing?” Leo shrugged in acceptance. There wasn’t much other choice than to agree. The frozen landscape rippled like a minnow disturbing the shallows of a lake. Leo saw the forest warp and distort as the images of reality faded and rearranged. The vibrant colors that filled in the earth around bled away. He saw that even his own body was no longer crimson and beige but now dull grey. As the world continued to warp and transform before his eyes, the Mismagius once again continued his one-sided conversation.

“Leo, you may not be special or among the few destined for greatness, but you are the person who is here. And without you, there would be very few who could take on the role.” While he spoke, the environment finally finished its massive metamorphosis from forest to a limitless canopy of stars. But here, it was closer —much closer. If he had the ability, Leo would have tried to reach out to the slow-spinning whirlpools of stars. Amid a cluster of far-off galaxies and fiery points of light against the blackness, the cause of nearly all of his pain and also the source of his life stood silhouetted by the dim glow of the universe. “Do you see these stars, Leo? Do you see their light? Do you see the intricate patterns and structures they form among the darkness to keep it at bay?” Unlike last time, the binds on his body remained firmly in place. “You are a star, Leo.”

The Charmeleon was puzzled over receiving an apparent compliment from the usually menacing phantom. Before the thought could go any further, the starry scene changed. The stunning picture of the universe was rapidly blotted out— stars, galaxies, and all light enveloped by the encroaching void of space. Soon, all that was left in the empty pitch-black sphere was a singular pinprick of light daring to show its face. The Mismagius held one of his wispy tendrils underneath the lone star.

“There you are, Leo. Alone, without allies, without friends, without a plan, and with the entire universe working to stifle you forever. No matter how brightly you burn by yourself, your heat and light will never make a difference where it counts here.“ The little star seemed to shake and quiver in the inky darkness, as if it was being rammed by the tides of space to prove the point.

“If you add in the friends you have made, you form a constellation. A weak structure on its own, but able to make a stand against the world, if only for a moment.” As he spoke, more stars appeared from the void, becoming a vague shape in the night sky. “If you add in the allies willing to protect you, you form a single galaxy, a mighty force in the heavens, yet not enough to succeed against the darkened will of the universe.” That instant, a tiny cluster of stars replaced the thin constellation. A burning ball of lights against the thick, obscuring curtain.

“And now, if you add in my plan, knowledge, and power,” he began, “Then your light will shine with a force to put the sun itself to shame.” Just then, the small sphere of stars the represented him exploded in a dazzling array of light that filled the empty cosmos with a white radiance. Leo raised his arm to shield his eyes. Soon, the white light had completely overpowered the dark. Leo found himself staring face-to-face with the ghost. Taking a deep breath for courage, Leo held out his claw to his enemy.

“I accept,” he stated firmly, barely managing to suppress his fear. The specter’s eyes widened greedily and returned the gesture, the shadowy tendril curling around his claws.

“Time is coming for us all. We have a chance to stand against the world. I promise you, Leo, the Fates have written your place among the stars. I am truly grateful.” The aged mystic nodded with a tip of his wide hat. After a brief moment of longing to know what the other was thinking, their grips dropped. The world of white immediately shattered and reformed back into reality. Leo bent down in the leaves to pick up another log with a sigh. This was going to be another long day. With that thought, the Charmeleon shouldered the load. He glanced skywards.

As brief as it might have been, I was a star up there... I have a purpose....



Kelly smiled while carefully placing the last touches to the paper. She lay on the ground in the shade of the gnarled oaks that surrounded Shiloh. A thin stream of electricity from an extended claw burned a period into the final sentence of the letter. She decided to give the piece of paper a final look. Stationery crinkled in her paws as she read over the burned lines. She had spent the last two days perfecting it, painstakingly going over each sentence in her mind before she got the courage to finally put them to paper. It had to be perfect, especially considering its recipients.

As soon as she finished, she grabbed the beige envelope and slid the paper inside. She folded over the top flap. Suddenly, the Jolteon’s expression turned into a scowl. Her fur began to bristle with bolts of electricity. She let out a short scream, twisted the energy, and blasting it away. The letter was instantly burned into ash. Kelly’s breaths came in short, quick huffs before smelling the charred remnants.

“I can’t do it. I can’t,” she muttered, forcing herself to take a series of calming breaths. Kelly tore her gaze away from the smoldering paper. Her night terrors were to blame. They had only grown worse. Over the past two nights she would scream until she woke from the nightmare that had decided to plague her mind that night. Now she had decided to forgo sleep entirely. Soon the despair turned into a desire to write letters. She didn’t know who she wanted to send the letters to, but she knew that she had to write them. Kelly didn’t understand and severely doubted that her sleep deprived brain would be able to help.

She spent the second day wandering aimlessly through Shiloh until she could not stay awake. The Jolteon had found herself stumbling into an alley and curling up underneath a hollow crate. The horrifying visions still came, but her mind no longer had the energy to wake her. In the final set of night terrors, she resorted to tackling and clawing the unfeeling phantoms of Leo, Jay, and Noah until they resembled grotesque piles. And even then, she ripped their lips from their faces and sliced their throats. Her claws had been drenched crimson in their blood, and her stomach felt like twisting inside out. But she didn’t relent. She had to stop the voices.

That had been yesterday. Kelly opened her eyes and got up. Words buzzed around her head, trying to form sentences, but she resisted the thoughts. Her paws padded the earthy road beneath as she entered the humble farming town.

It’s so much like Solace Town, even down to the market. Like a perfect copy, her thoughts idly observed. She wondered if this was what the gods had planned for her: never being able to escape the life she abandoned. She had left her home, traveled the roads, created a team with a stranger in a foreign city, been falsely accused of treason, and now caught up in a plot far beyond herself. Still, she was constantly reminded of her previous life.

A Floatzel bid her good day as he passed. She quickly hid her disconcerting thoughts behind a gentle smile. Once he left, she returned to her troubled expression. Her thoughts were still confused. The way she pieced together information didn’t make sense to her. She had the nightmares since she left her home, but why they were increasing now, she didn’t know.

She briefly fancied the idea of going to Quark, but she quickly put it down. Even when she had relayed all her symptoms, he was unable to detect a mishap in her mind. In theory, she should be perfect. In reality, she was flawed. And she had no idea how to fix it. Kelly hardly realized that she had walked into the middle of town. Just before her confused mind began contemplating getting something to dull the pain and evil, a familiar voice called out to her.

“Kelly! There you are! Jay and I have been looking all over for you and Leo.” Kelly turned her head to see Noah excitedly running to meet her. The Dewott gave her a genuine smile before skidding to a stop in front of her. From farther behind, Jay walked at a slower pace. She couldn’t help but feel a pang of guilt seeing the crimson band tied around his eyes. It had been because of her that he was blind. He was her oldest friend and she failed him.

“Jay and I wanted to go explore a dungeon today, so we spent the morning preparing supplies. We just finished looking through the job listings, and we found one that looks pretty neat and offers a decent reward if it’s done right. We’d love your help with this one, and it’d do Leo good to go on a normal job,” Noah stated in one giddy breath while eagerly taking folded parchment from his bag. His paws spread out the sheet so she could see the description. Like everything else in the town, it was in footprint runes, the traditional text of the Borderlands. Fortunately, she had been educated in interpreting the various patterns of the prints and could easily read it.

Request: “I would appreciate it if a team would find a few specific plants and herbs that grow specifically in the Forlorn Stronghold mystery dungeon to make into medicine. The plants in question are described in greater detail on the attached list for convenience.”
Reward: 100 Silver Poké*
Client: Titinius Aegislash, Owner of the Slash and Burn General Store, Shiloh
*Reward based on amount of plants recovered.
.

Kelly examined the request twice, flipping to the second page to see which plants the owner wished to procure. True enough, the mission was simple. Collecting plants, as tedious as it posed, didn’t seem to hide an evil intent like the last two jobs did.

“Forlorn Stronghold is in the mountains, right? Why do you need me to go with you, exactly?” Kelly asked. Part of her heart started beating faster at the prospect of dungeoneering once again. She had always admired the skill and power of rescue teams. Kelly knew that she needed to go.

“Yep. And Jay’s told me you handle yourself well inside them. I know a few of the Pokémon inside the Stronghold are a bit tough, so better safe than sorry, am I right?” Noah explained as he returned the slip of brown paper to his satchel. “Also, have you seen Leo? We haven’t seen him in town, and we figured he’d be with you,” Noah asked distractedly while he concentrated on shifting items around in his bag.

“I’d love to join. It’s been long since we had a well-paying job,” she said while contemplating the second part. She shook her head. “I haven’t seen him since last night. He might still be sleeping. I think he wants to enjoy the last hours of not having to work,” she reasoned with a shrug. While she and Leo did spend some time talking over the last few days, she hadn’t kept track of how he spent his days.

“Awesome! We’ll be like the Legendary musketeers! Charging through the dungeon making all fear our mighty names! I am Cobalion” Noah shouted as he struck a triumphant pose on the nearby crate of wavy blue Kelpsy Berries. The action brought a smile to her face and temporarily distracted her from the nightmares that prowled the edges of her mind. Kelly shook her head and tried to focus her thoughts on the mission ahead. If she was going to be of any use, she needed to be alert and not distracted by wayward thoughts every second.

“Are we going? I know we haven’t found Leo, but if we don’t leave now, we’re going to be ending the mission in complete darkness,” Jay calmly pointed out as his paw smoothed out some of the creases in the red Healing Band over his eyes.

“Yeah, we probably should hit the road. We’ll take Leo on the next one. He’s probably relaxing or sleeping anyways. We’ll bring him back a nice souvenir or buy him something with the reward,” Noah suggested before they went through a final inspection of their bags and badges. Kelly had long ago lost her exploration satchel she bought from Aleck the Sableye in Loyalty, but she still had her badge pinned to the worn Pecha Scarf tied around her neck.

She only needed to clear her head. She prayed to Raikou that the mountain air would refresh her. If it doesn’t work, A shudder passed through her skin, then I’ll have to find some way to make the terrors cease.


Dust of discarded knowledge blurred the air and dulled the meaningless sun. A soft wind lifted one thousand years’ worth of knowledge into the smog-ridden clouds to tarnish the silver spires. A strangled gust of air kicked up a flurry of ashen remains into the empty streets. Not a soul was present to witness the aftermath of the chaos.

The grey light drifted solemnly down from its position in the heavens. Gods turned their heads away from the city of pagans in disgust, content to let it fall victim to the eventual calamity of a molten deluge. Only soldiers, armed with royal insignia and equipment, remained to patrol the abandoned streets. The capital had died in the fire, and there was little hope that a kingly phoenix would rise from this desolate pyre.

It was three days after the first spark, but fires still smoldered in the depths of the city and in the oppressed souls under the crown. Smoke mixed with the putrid air to produce an acrid fog that reinforced the martial lockdown by being potent enough to reduce the staunchest dissenter to a vomiting shell. Through the poison, the police, and the scrambling efforts of the under-equipped fire teams as they struggled to suffocate the blazes, two Pokémon remained in the ruined sanctuary where the malicious flame was birthed.

One was wrapped about in a filthy brown robe, its tattered edges brushing against the smooth stones. He knelt on the ground, his unhooded head giving his identity away. From his rightful position on the ash-covered rock, the robed figure muttered prayers on the broken altar of Dialga. Words, strained with raw emotion, fell on the ears of a deaf god who had abandoned the city to the fate of fire. His cracked lips continued to faithfully pull out prayers, begging that they would restore his city to the Time Dragon’s favor. Nickolas lifted a small bronze dragon with trembling paws. His father had bound him to Dialga, heart and soul, and likewise he swore his son’s life.

Behind a singed slab of hewn stone, another Pokémon heard the first let out a choked cry. His insect head darted out from his cover for an instant. His senses had proved him right: the Lucario king was reduced to a weeping mass in the torched church.

He knew the development worked for the plans of his superiors, but he was not smiling. Rather, he slumped against the stone and crossed his scythes across his carapace. He tried to will himself to focus on positive thoughts, but the incessant tears of the tyrant refused him the pleasure of a clear consciousness. Thoughts flew in his head like the chaotically swirling flakes of ash. He wanted nothing more than to be content with the duty he had completed, but the sinking feeling of doubt remained. The metal in his blades scraped on the stone wall as he shifted to a more comfortable position. He had seen the evils of this tsarist government and knew he was right in destroying it. He was working for all Pokémon who ached to be free from its chains.

But even with those convictions, it did not explain why did he still felt the pangs of guilt for his doings with the Sableye and Magnezone. He had caused the deaths, captures, and exodus of at least eleven Pokémon on that same night, and he refused to forget. The Kingdom had fallen from justice, and the divine mandate it acclaimed had long been retracted. Yet he felt guilty for betraying the government.

He took another look from his hidden place. Nickolas, the once-absolute monarch from the Silver Coast to the Far Reach mountains, had yet to lift his feeble form from the ashes. The thought occurred to Darnéy to simply dart forward and end his life. The madness would be over and the head of the corrupt demon would be severed. All it would take was a strong swing at Nickolas’s neck and he could clean his scythe of royal blood knowing that he had done it for democracy.

But why do I hesitate? Azelf, why does my will falter? The Scyther mind pondered. He could be a hero and founding a new republic from the fires of freedom. But instead, he was pondering his lack of conviction in a ruined church among the ghettos of Silver City.

What am I doing? Why do I suddenly now challenge the status quo? Why does it choose now, when we are so close to the end?

“Because, dear Chancellor, you are thinking for yourself.” The bug’s eyes widened and body instinctively snapped into action. A bladed arm shot out and his feet spun him around to inflict a brutal blow on the intruder. A clean line separated the dusty air before it blew away. Darnéy refused to be taken by surprise. He narrowed his eyes as he spun in a tight circle.

“While I originally intended on lesioning the brainstem of he who incinerated my church, I, like you, hesitated. There is more to you than a mindless servant, isn’t there, young Scyther?” The ashen mist and the fog of sin were parted by an unearthly force. Darnéy shielded his eyes from the particles blowing against his face. It quickly revealed a floating being of blue steel. A pair of eyes near the bottom of the giant bell glowed faintly red and Darnéy felt himself grow weary as he was subjected to the immense, tired aura of the Pokémon.

“...You. Who are you? I set no fire...” Darnéy’s whispered question was drowned out by sounds of a scuffle in the street. Gazing down from his hiding place, Darnéy picked out a small Pokémon being dragged away by the stationed guards. A false tree held the wayward citizen tightly in its branch-like hands before disappearing under the dark curtain of falling ash

“I am one who is supposed to care for those currently lost in this fog of deceit. The fire may not be from your blades, but it came from your words. The peasants, they heard your words and burned...” the creature psychically stated while Darnéy watched the soldiers.

“I have nothing against you, Father. I had to do it. It had to be now,” Darnéy muttered, casting his gaze away from the unwavering glare of the Dialgan priest.

“Was it really you? Did you want this? I will not stop you. Go ahead. End me. End the weeping king. End us both and continue on burning the city with the riot you started. If that is what you want.” Darnéy’s breath caught in his throat. His scythes were held at the ready, inches away from the priest’s floating form, but they never came closer.

“Do you not see the suffering on the streets? Are you content to let the masses burn in this hell that tyrant inflicted upon them?” he hissed vehemently, nearly spitting. A blade swished in the direction of the unaware, kneeling Lucario king. The Bronzong did not answer, but he merely turned away to look at the empty cobblestone road and the forlorn buildings across the street. A defeated sigh emanated from the priest.

“Tell me, Montag, can you burn your problems away?”

“T-that’s not my name,” Darnéy stammered as the cold, hollow words struck at his mind. Their infused sadness seeking to cripple his resolve.

“Can you burn them away? Like pages of a book? Like evidence of a crime?”

“Shut up. I-I’m not listening to you anymore. I know what’s right and what’s wrong,” he stated, not even caring that the Lucario he had been observing suddenly rose and exited the ruined sanctuary, cloak drawn high over his head.

“It’s so rare to see a someone think for themselves, even if it is for a single moment. Too often they are so caught up in seeing that they grow blind.” The Scyther squeezed his eyes shut, leaning back against the charred wall. A momentary flash of clarity shot before him. What this devilry was, Darnéy did not know. He only knew that something huge —a fierce storm— had descended upon his soul. All because he had hesitated. Because he waited a moment too long to act and let a seed of doubt take root in his head.

What happened? What changed? Why do I now feel as if there’s a choice to be made? There isn’t! There’s only one path! A singular path... His thoughts were a swarm of Beedrill in his skull, yet no matter how loud they buzzed, nothing gave him a definable answer.

“The decision, Montag, is yours alone. Just remember that Pokémon who dare to question, who dare to reason, who dare to challenge, are feared and hated by tyrants.” And with that, Darnéy was alone. The odd priest had vanished before his eyes, dematerializing in a flash of psychic energy. The Scyther drew in a breath of ashen air, letting his tensed muscles relax and the words of the Bronzong attack his conscience.

“Can there be a real choice? ... No. There is only one path... A singular path,” Darnéy whispered. The remaining curls of smoke wrapped themselves about his carapace before taking his conflicted emotions skywards. He let his scythes hang by his sides, both hitting the floor with sharp, metallic clangs. With that, Darnéy closed his eyes and heart to the choking cries of the smoldering city.


“Your orders were clear: at first sight, they are to be destroyed. Be silent, be swift, and be secretive. We don’t want a mess on our hands. Not again.”



Leo’s muscles were trying to separate from his skin. Each movement he made caused a bolt of pain to shoot up his body. The sun was nearly gone from the horizon and the streets were only occupied by Pokémon returning from missions or the fields. Under Kinsliy’s oversight, all the timber was delivered to the carpenter for fortification. Upon completion, she reluctantly returned his artifact. Leo hoped he would never see her again.

His thoughts were interrupted by a sharp whizzing noise in the air. The weary Charmeleon looked up into the dusk sky over the northern edge of Shiloh. A solitary sphere of bright, orange light shot into the sky from the dark mass of the mountain range. His eyes narrowed while trying to get a better look at the projectile. Its fiery arc began to descend until bursting into flames behind the clay buildings.

This development was nothing compared to the sight that drew his eyes back up into the darkening skies. The shadowed silhouette of the mountains lit up like a blazing dawn as dozens of glowing spheres shot up into the sky. The atmosphere began to shriek a wretched scream as Leo watched the orbs of light follow their trajectories to the ground. He closed his eyes as the street was engulfed in a sea of fire.


End Chapter Sixteen
 
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Azurus

The Ancient Absol
I gotta say, man, that is a long chapter, definitely worth the read.

Anyway, I can only begin to fathom what I just read but it was great, Ian's mind and his struggle to escape and his ultimate failure to do so, (Should have had poison heal as an ability) Leo's heart to mind with Mismagius, that whole sneasel event, Kelly's doubts and even Jay's struggles to see were all wonderfully done.
That last segment with the destruction of Silver City was a great way to end the chapter as it still gives us, the readers, a goal to look forward to completion as it almost felt like the story was ending, which it was but to make way for part 2.
I already left you the error report on your VM's and have not much else to say, this chapter was great and I look forward to more fabrications of your mind. Keep it up man.

Took me... 79 minutes approximately to read all of this, this may cut down on short responses from some readers.
 

Knightfall

Blazing Wordsmith
I gotta say, man, that is a long chapter, definitely worth the read.

Those are the words I want to hear! :D Seriously, though. Thank you.

Anyway, I can only begin to fathom what I just read but it was great, Ian's mind and his struggle to escape and his ultimate failure to do so, (Should have had poison heal as an ability) Leo's heart to mind with Mismagius, that whole sneasel event, Kelly's doubts and even Jay's struggles to see were all wonderfully done.
That last segment with the destruction of Silver City was a great way to end the chapter as it still gives us, the readers, a goal to look forward to completion as it almost felt like the story was ending, which it was but to make way for part 2.

Heh, whatever conclusion you come to, it's probably right in some cosmic sense. And yeah, that would have helped him out. But no, he's stuck with Technician. Leo's talk with Mismagius has been one I planned out for a while. I really wanted to settle some of the plot points that were plaguing him.
Kinsliy is a wonderful character, isn't she? I'm glad Chaos lent her to me. And, Kelly's scene was one of the most difficult for me to do. What she thinks and her entire ordeal is different than everyone elses, so I have to be careful with how I handle it.
Jay's got a new design with his blindfold/Healing Band. I'm liking where it's going. :D

I already left you the error report on your VM's and have not much else to say, this chapter was great and I look forward to more fabrications of your mind. Keep it up man.

Took me... 79 minutes approximately to read all of this, this may cut down on short responses from some readers.

And those have been promptly fixed! Thank you very much, man. I look forward to bringing you all more in the future.

23,300 words, man. It takes a while to read that much. :D

Knightfall signing off...
 

TheCharredDragon

Tis the Hour to Reload
Yay! Chapter 16 is finally up! And the word count is MASSIVE!

Now time for a more serious review.

Before I read your Author's Note, I felt this chapter didn't have that much excitement and that it gave readers a rest. So that means you got the effect you wanted. It also gave a tiny bit of back story to Noah.

I noticed that you were in the tought processes of most of the characters that were relevent to the plot. Ian, Jay, Noah, Leo, Kelly and even Darney.

All five of their thought processes were, as expected, different then the last. One is struggling to keep a hold on reality in the midst of escaping (Ian. One handling blindness after being "blind" for so long (Jay) and doesn't really care more than himself and his comrades, which now I realize is what's the word? Well, it's either ironic, ridiculous or symbolic, or maybe all three.

One (Leo) is calming down from the torture and is the second calmest of his team, while Noah is the most relaxed and calmed after their exposition. While Kelly's mind is going in unsurpassed and unusual turmoil and for some reason I feel like shouting at her the answers, or at least my ideas on how to fix it.

Perhaps I related to her more than I realize?

Anyways, as for characters, you've added another aspect to the omnipresent Mismagius. Showing he is more than just a business um, ghost, but I still believe it is still for the sake of whatever his "business" is. And is it just me? Or is he wearing a scarf just like the fanart you oh so hate titled "Fabulous"? (Or maybe I was imagining things.....)

As for the chapter itself, once again you put quality over update speed which makes the wait all the more worth it. There were some typos and such but I think you fixed them after Azurus's review.

And you end in a cliff-hanger, that might slightly annoy readers as they eagerly wait for the next chapter.

I don't see anything that I could suggest to improve on. So this is where my review ends. (Sort of)

As you can (probably) tell from my last few not-so-critisizing reviews, I absolutely love your story and it is an inspiration to me. I can't wait to see the next chapter.
 

Knightfall

Blazing Wordsmith
Yay! Chapter 16 is finally up! And the word count is MASSIVE!
Now time for a more serious review.

Before I read your Author's Note, I felt this chapter didn't have that much excitement and that it gave readers a rest. So that means you got the effect you wanted. It also gave a tiny bit of back story to Noah.

First off, thank you. I do realize that the word count is rather high, but that's just sorta how it turned out. :/

And yes, that was the entire purpose of the chapter. To be the calm before the storm. In fact, that's what the title means: "Calm".

I noticed that you were in the tought processes of most of the characters that were relevent to the plot. Ian, Jay, Noah, Leo, Kelly and even Darney.

All five of their thought processes were, as expected, different then the last. One is struggling to keep a hold on reality in the midst of escaping (Ian. One handling blindness after being "blind" for so long (Jay) and doesn't really care more than himself and his comrades, which now I realize is what's the word? Well, it's either ironic, ridiculous or symbolic, or maybe all three.

Yep! This chapter was meant to a "perspective" chapter of most of the major cast thus far. I wanted to establish where they were coming from and what they are feeling now so that their actions later make sense.

Ian's character is an odd one. Always has been. I can't write him normally, as his thought processes are far from normal. And Jay .. Well, what can I say about him? It's in his nature to be kinda self-centered, and now that he's truly blind, it gets worse. More on him later.

One (Leo) is calming down from the torture and is the second calmest of his team, while Noah is the most relaxed and calmed after their exposition. While Kelly's mind is going in unsurpassed and unusual turmoil and for some reason I feel like shouting at her the answers, or at least my ideas on how to fix it.

Perhaps I related to her more than I realize?

For once, you're right about Leo. He is one of the calmest in this chapter. I suppose it goes with him submitting to the Mismagius's will a few chapters ago... And Noah is Noah. What else do you expect? XD

And Kelly is a special case. I have to be delicate with her character, because her plot is one I have to handle properly otherwise people might miss it entirely.

Anyways, as for characters, you've added another aspect to the omnipresent Mismagius. Showing he is more than just a business um, ghost, but I still believe it is still for the sake of whatever his "business" is. And is it just me? Or is he wearing a scarf just like the fanart you oh so hate titled "Fabulous"? (Or maybe I was imagining things.....)

As for the chapter itself, once again you put quality over update speed which makes the wait all the more worth it. There were some typos and such but I think you fixed them after Azurus's review.

Ah yes, Mismagius. I tried to develop him a bit more as well too, but he wasn't the major concern of this chapter. Yes, the scarf is the same as the one in the picture. And, for everyone else. This picture (WHICH IS NOT CANON BY ANY MEANS) should explain things. Drawn by Kutie Pie a few weeks ago, who took some ... creative liberties with his character while I could only look on with whimpering horror...


And you end in a cliff-hanger, that might slightly annoy readers as they eagerly wait for the next chapter.

I don't see anything that I could suggest to improve on. So this is where my review ends. (Sort of)

As you can (probably) tell from my last few not-so-critisizing reviews, I absolutely love your story and it is an inspiration to me. I can't wait to see the next chapter.

Well, the reasoning for that is that it leads to Chapter 17. Sure, it might be a cliffhanger, but it was necessary.

And once again, thank you very much. It's not that often that I get a review as long as this, and I'm always happy when I do. I'm very glad that this story inspires you. That's one of the best compliments I can hear as an author.

Knightfall signing off...

(I swear to Dialga that the Mismagius is not "Fabulous" by any means)
 

JX Valentine

Ever-Discordant
I am totally going to feel like a jerk by doing this because this is a blunt review, and I’m sorry. orz In any case, I’m focusing less on specifics and more on general thoughts here because we’ve got sixteen lengthy chapters of ground to cover. However, a lot of this will probably focus on things that happened in the sixteenth chapter, just because that’s freshest in my mind … and also the one I liked the least. But in any case, if my judgment is completely off, I apologize in advance for that much.

Anyway, let me also come right out of the gate and say this: I thought this fic was okay but not quite there yet. To give you a better idea of what I mean, allow me tell you about this one time my friend and I watched the second Lord of the Rings movie. Now, don’t get me wrong. The movie was very pretty, it had a huge fanbase when it came out, and every part of it was necessary and added to its overall story. But there were also parts where we would be watching Merry and Pippin ride around on the ents, and my friend would turn to me and say, “Yeah, uh, they basically just ride around on ents and talk. Do you want to skip this scene?” We did that about seven times and came to the conclusion that we didn’t miss much by skipping those scenes.

I’d hate to be unusually blunt for how I normally review, but Overthrown is a bit like that, especially towards the end of this thread. You have a lot of incredibly detailed scenes and scenes where characters are very introspective or do minor things like fixing a dam or having a chat or literally walking down the street, but including these things causes the story to feel like it isn’t moving forward. Here’s the thing. You have a plot, and that plot is about a growing civil war and these characters’ involvement in it, yes? Well, that should really be the focus of your story, and it should feel as if a lot of your characters’ actions are somehow heading towards that goal of being involved in this war. However, when it comes to Overthrown, I forget that there’s a war going on because so much time is spent in the characters’ heads/focusing on subplots that there isn’t much added to the main plot. As a result, it feels as if the story is going slowly because there’s less plot motion and more … walking down the street and staring at sunsets. Moreover, the more subplots you have, the more fractured your story becomes, and it seems—especially in chapter sixteen—as if all of the main characters are off doing their own thing, rather than going forward with the main plot.

That last note is probably why I actually felt as if the last story arc in which Team Salient went through a mystery dungeon was so memorable: you have all of the characters working together to move the plot forward. They’re not doing their own thing, and everything, including the scenes that took place elsewhere, felt like they were ultimately contributing to a single story. That and, frankly, they weren’t spending so much time basically meditating on their identities/focusing on their personal problems.

(Yeah. You probably can tell that I didn’t care for chapter sixteen all that much. Sorry about that.)

In short, when the story of a side character (Ian, in this case) is more gripping than what’s going on with your main characters, chances are, you need to give your main characters something to do. And to be fair, yes, I liked Ian’s story arc. That’s just because it felt like something was happening there. You maintained the same level of quality in your prose, but every word you were using felt like it was contributing to an overall picture, be it to add atmosphere or to describe Ian moving closer and closer to his goal. In other words, Ian’s storyline isn’t stagnant. He’s not simply sitting still and mediating. He’s doing something, and it’s that something that makes his arc interesting.

The other issue I want to talk about is chapter length. Yes, it doesn’t seem like it’s a significant thing, but chapter length is important to the medium you use to convey your story. Think of it like this. When you read a book, what happens when you need to stop and do something else? If you’re reading a print book, chances are you stick a bookmark between the pages you’re reading or otherwise figure out a way to manipulate the pages so you know roughly where you left off. If you’re reading an ebook, all you have to do is turn off the device or close the app, and your reader will save your place for you.

What happens when you read something on a website, however? You can save your place between chapters, but you can’t save your place between pages. This is pretty significant because with a book or ebook, the ability to save one’s place allows them to take as many breaks as possible. They don’t need to know the exact part where they left off because something will be able to remind them where they were. With things that are actually posted onto a website, a reader’s only breaks are between chapters because there’s not really anything that can reliably mark off which page a reader is on. So when you have a chapter that’s forty pages long, that’s not really impressive; that’s daunting and rather exhausting to a reader. As I’ve mentioned via PM, long chapters are more difficult to digest than shorter chapters because of this, and as a result, specific events become less memorable. The reader ends up focusing some of their attention on figuring out how they can take in an entire chapter or otherwise save their place, rather than focus all of their attention on what’s going on in your story.

The solution to this issue actually a lot simpler than you would think. That is, it’s literally break up your chapters. It’s not necessary to have eight lengthy scenes in one chapter; even if scenes are related, it’s perfectly fine to carry them over to the next one. You have to remember that even if it’s not that unusual to have chapters that are twenty pages or more in print or ebooks, you’re not working with that same medium. As a result, you actually do have to adapt and do things slightly differently.

(Of course, this all is just me, but I’ve heard that you had some trouble getting people to read this chapter due to its length. If that’s true then … you now know the kinda-sorta sciencey reason behind that.)

I bring both of these issues up because they really do feed into a pretty basic issue I was having. Although I was reading this in a way that did allow me to save my place and come back to it, a combination of all of that filler/downtime and the sheer length of some of these chapters actually made a lot of what went on rather … not quite memorable, to put it as politely as I can think of. I can’t really lay out the exact timeline of events in all sixteen chapters of this work. I can’t tell you what the name of the last mystery dungeon Team Salient went through was. I can’t even give you a list of important details from the last chapter. And all of this is because it was really difficult for me to focus on what was going on. Some of that was due to the fact that I had to work to sift out all the unimportant details and figure out what I should be remembering, and some of it was due to the fact that I was genuinely exhausted by the time I got to the end of a chapter. (Incidentally, that’s why there was no final comments note when I beta’d chapter sixteen. Sorry about that.) Either way, yes, you’ve mentioned to me that you’re really working hard to be concise, and to summarize … I pretty much agree. That is absolutely the main thing you should be focusing on: filtering out what isn’t important to present the important parts that push your story forward.

I do want to say a word about the characters. Now, I have to admit, a lot of them fell victim to the above problem, and for the life of me, I can’t even name half of your supporting cast. But when it comes to your main cast … let’s just say being concise would certainly help. You present a lot of information, so while you do have plenty of moments where a character shows that they’re on an arc that will result in growth, that gets lost by all of the other information you present. In other words, sometimes, it’s easy to forget what a character is going through or where they are in their own individual arcs.

Jay is probably your strongest character, I have to say, if only because his journey is the clearest. He’s relied on his aura powers all his life, he’s been blinded, and now he’s on a quest to help him see again. And in the introspective parts, you don’t fall into the trap of making him angst forever about his dilemma; rather, he acknowledges he has to get stronger and pushes forward. His breakdown is present, but it’s refreshing to see that it’s limited to one sentence. So, really, as negative as this review is so far, I have to give you credit for giving a character a crisis and making them face it in a way not many people have the balls to do. It really would have been so easy to make him angst for chapters on end. It really would have. But you don’t, and that’s fantastic.

Conversely, you also have an interesting character in Kelly, who is stuck on the fact that her parents abandoned her. She gets so obsessive about this that she writes letters to them over and over again expressing her feelings, only to burn them up. She has nightmares about them. She was practically kidnapped and nearly killed because Froslass could take advantage of that fixation. In short, this kid has problems, and although I flinch just a bit because of my inner “this is a war why are we really going to spend scenes focusing on a character’s parental issues really Knightfall really” reaction, it’s also interesting to see that she’s, so far, only hesitantly taking steps on her journey. It’s as if she’s reluctant to fix her flaws, unlike Jay who gets back up and says, “Okay, let’s do this.” Of course, there’s a pretty fundamental difference between the two (Jay’s problem is crippling to him whereas Kelly’s is just a nuisance to her), but still, it’s not every day that you see a character so resistant to change.

You also have Ian’s madness compared to Vertex’s composure. Ian’s insanity and desperation was actually portrayed rather beautifully, which really went to highlight his struggle. (You can probably tell that Ian is my favorite.) But the part where Ian knocked Vertex out (and probably killed him, judging by how you described it then) was particularly heartbreaking because it looked almost like Ian was punching out his conscience and sanity right then and there. The two balanced each other rather nicely, so of course, it was hard to watch that relationship dissolve.

Then, you’ve got the king (whose name I have hilariously forgotten due to the above issues), who’s given a rather humbling journey through his downfall and time at the church, plus the rather amusing notes concerning Torrent, his stance towards the town, his journal, and so forth. It’s very rare to see leader figures be placed in such humanizing positions, so it was beautiful to see that happen to both. For the king, it’s refreshing because he’s not made into an evil tyrant or anything of the sort. He’s a man who held power and made mistakes during his reign, and now he’s trying to find himself and seek ways to repair the damage he’s done. For Torrent, it’s just amusing to see him as more of a fatherly figure, a caring ruler, and above all, a contrast to how the king apparently ran things. The contrast is, of course, fairly subtle and therefore rather well done.

To be honest, I think that the only characters who I couldn’t really focus as much on were Noah and Leo himself. Noah is understandable because he’s more of the laid-back, comedic relief character, so I really didn’t expect him to go on a quest of his own. Of course, that doesn’t mean he I didn’t think he did anything significant in the story or that he’s not as well-developed or likable. Noah doesn’t need a quest; he doesn’t need to fix anything within himself. You never drop any implication that he does either. So on his own, it’s easy to be okay with him—even like him, given his shenanigans—because we can focus on his personality and still see a complete character.

Leo, meanwhile? It’s difficult to get a vibe from him because a lot of the time, things are happening to him, or things are being done by the characters around him while he’s just sort of hitching a ride. The latest chapter’s a great example of that. He sets out to do something, but instead, he’s forced to go help build a dam by a passing Sneasel. Then, there was the whole Mismagius business, wherein of course he doesn’t really have too much freedom to act on his own accord. While I have nothing against passive protagonists now and then, Leo’s the main character in a PMD fic, and he’s built up to be someone who should be able to take charge (what with the fight against Froslass and all). Yet he doesn’t. He has all of these mysteries he should be setting out to solve (what his key is, how he got into this universe, why he’s a Charmeleon, what his role is in all of this, who the eff Mismagius thinks he is, that kind of thing), but he doesn’t really do much—at least, not in this chapter—to sort things out. Not until someone else comes along and pushes him forward. So it’s harder to connect with him because I tend to see him more like a chess piece than a full-fledged character. He reacts; he doesn’t act.

As for that Mismagius, well. I’m all for mysterious assholes who hold more power than they should over characters, and it seems like Mismagius is a very, very nice example of such.

In terms of writing style, filler aside, it’s not too bad. Descriptions are frequently very vivid, and although the pacing of the story drags in more than one area, you do know how to build atmosphere rather well. (Again, this is something that I really liked about the Ian scenes as well as the scenes that take place in the church. For Ian’s scene, you create a very nice dark, House-of-Leaves-esque labyrinthe, and it’s very beautiful and very creepy at the same time. The church, meanwhile, is very clearly somber and ancient, and it’s easy to imagine it being cold, dusty, yet awe-inspiringly holy. As a result, Ian’s scenes become fantastically frantic; the king’s become grave and serious to intense levels. It really does feel like I’m reading a high fantasy with both.)

There’s also the fact that the world-building is probably some of the best I’ve seen in a Pokémon fanfiction. It’s clear you spent a lot of time building up this world and creating not only a cast of characters but complex politics, societies, customs, writing systems, regions—you name it. It’s a very deep and fleshed-out world, and it’s easy to get excited about the idea that it’s probably going to get destroyed. And by that, I mean when you get more into the war, it’s going to be fascinating to watch, just because you have all of this history and background details to add depth to what’s going on. It’s not, for example, just an attempted assassination on the king. It’s an attempted assassination that comes as a result of years and years political abuse.

In short, Overthrown was difficult to get through. You have a lot of good points going for you. You have some interesting character arcs, deeply detailed settings, even some pretty good atmosphere-building going on. However, it does get bogged down by a lack of focus, which may hurt you in the long run due to the platform and method through which you’re releasing your story. It feels more like Overthrown should really be split up into multiple fics, come to think of it, each focusing on a different character arc, and that’s just because you seem to tackle a lot at once and might have trouble deciding what is and isn’t important to your overall story. Assuming you don’t want to go this route (because it is rather messy and probably also unnecessary, considering you’re sixteen chapters in), just keep asking yourself, “What’s the main idea of this story? Will this scene contribute to the ending that I’m looking for? Do I really need to spend paragraphs with this one character going on about how crappy his life is?” (Chapter sixteen, third scene, by the by.) The more you ask yourself about what is and isn’t important to your plot, the less likely you’ll spend time on something that really isn’t all that important.

Now, don’t get me wrong. Side plots are perfectly fine and dandy. You can definitely have a character go down a story arc that has nothing to do with the main action. It’s just that if you have a chapter or few that’s 90% that and 10% things that contribute to the story/moments in which characters are actually doing something besides taking a leisurely stroll and talking, then that might not be quite as okay.

Tl;dr, Overthrown is okay, but it definitely, definitely needs a bit more focus.
 
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