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Pokemon Mystery Dungeon: Overthrown

Akiyama

Awake me if Ash wins
Short Review of Chpater 16

I liked Leo, Jay, and Noah's actions here. Indeed, a proper scene to show the aftermath of the adventure, it was. The description of Jay's blindness and him dealing with it, and Noah getting blasted at that door showed as a good break.

As for Ian, his scene was really good at describing insanity, but I am confused why I read that. Is it an overstatement of how much he's been made insane thanks to torture and malnutrition? Other than that, all I sensed was Matrix like allusions and hints to outside influences on the world from other world(s), along with legendary spirits and pokémon hinted at. His scene is the one I feel indifferent about, likely because I don't see much potential in him coming back as a formidable character for good or evil.

”. . . I need a few good ‘mon to help with a small something for the Kingdom. You willing to be a nice guy help me out here and serve your country?” Her voice carried a small tone that chipped away Leo’s initial will to flat-out refuse. The dark creature’s eyes seemed to gleam, making his will waiver even more.

My reaction was why doesn't Leo question this kingdom, especially when someone's so upfront about helping it? For the most part, Leo just seemed to waltz in and under this government, but I don't see much questioning about it. After all, I think it was the first chapter that mentioned he knew the basics of republic government structure (which is oddly specific). He doesn't have to act, but I hope I see him question what he is living under after that theft of his key and labor.

"You may be the last alive, but you are not special. You are simply the one who avoided all lethal misfortunes. Now, you are the only one who can carry on,”[\i][\b]


I guess Serebiiforums can't handle bold and italic at the same time. This sentence is formatted wrong for some reason.

Also, the scene with the ghost is pretty touching. It worked, and it probably hints that Leo will really kick things up now.

As for Kelly's scene, that was good description about the pain of grief when it is remembered. Moving on to gather plants probably worked to distract her emotions while earning nice coin from harvesting whatever those plants are.

”. . . Charging through the dungeon making all fear our mighty names! I am Cobalion”

Not a bad way to cheer someone up.

Overall, whatever the name of the town was, I felt like I knew what I needed to know about it. No unneeded focus on everything, just on what the characters are concerned about.

The madness would be over and the head of the corrupt demon would be severed. All it would take was a strong swing at Nickolas’s neck and he could clean his scythe of royal blood knowing that he had done it for democracy.*

I have no idea where this idea of democracy came from in this world. But what I'm thinking is that this whole situation is inspired by the French Revolution, so this is going to be a blood bath, especially if we have both the king and this democracy engage in full war for total control (which is a bad idea, but they'll do it). As for how it started, I'm not sure, probably a populat uprising, so I might have forgotten that detail over the past many months.

Good chapter overall, even though I feel down about Ian, but at least we had every other scene, and a cliffhanger ending. But, like above, I wondered if Leo was truly expressing himself either in thoughts or actions when his key got stolen because “I'm higher rank.”
 

bananagram

A massive fan
Reading this is rather odd, since my character's name in OR is Leo-Leo, after the character in Mother 3 with all the presents that he won't let you open (but gives you the Knit Sweater). Whenever I read Leo when I don't expect it, I keep thinking it's me, since I only read one Leo in Leo-Leo and barely acknowledge the other. After reading this again it'll probably be odd to play OR, or any other game where I'm called Leo-Leo.


Some of the things here are spelling fixes that others missed. I started writing this in chapter 6 because there seemed to be a significant amount there, but they cleared up right after it for some reason.


5 (or 4?)
I love how Icarus prays to Zapdos there, and it seems almost as if Zapdos will come up and save him. Maybe it's because it gives Zapdos more power in this universe, and it's funny to imagine what would make Icarus say that.

Chapter 6:
>"It doesn’t make sense, she thought as they ignored the sideways glances of the townsfolk and their whispered gossip, we were all injured by that Metagross, but now here we are and none worse for the ware."
Not only is it wear and not ware, but you should probably make that a period rather than a comma after "gossip". It looks like a comma splice the way it is.

>"I’m- we’re sorry about everything. You have no idea what is like as a father being unable to do nothing but write letters knowing his daughter is alone somewhere in the world."
I think that dash after I'm would look better as an em dash.
>"Suddenly she was the nieve Eevee at the front window, and the memory took it from there."
s/nieve/naive/
>"...that her parents were somehow apart of the Colonies’ treason...
s/apart/a part/



After that sequence with Mismagius, he seems completely defeated...how awful.

s/more then enough/more than enough/g (you've used some thens in place of thans, and replacing all instances of "more then enough" should do good)

Also, I want to know who those pokemon are that were talking. The team of three with a new recruit fits Team Salient, but it couldn't possibly be them. It could also be the Scyther, Absol and Flygon, but I sort of wish them to be whole and good. It's frustrating to not know. That section tells us that there are spies working against the kingdom, though.

Chapter 7: Forgot to scan for errors for some reason.
Around there it's getting kind of heavy. Bad things are happening in every chapter. I don't know about everyone else, but I like lighter things in fics, at least to make it more pleasant to read. The "relaxing" chapter wasn't even relaxing, for example.


Chapter 8:
>"Dust, eager to join in on the fun. kicked up in the air..." lol

>"and a chorus of “Rodger!” affirmed the order"
It's spelled Roger, not Rodger.

Man, I like this sequence.

>"...a bolt of plasma..."
Plasma and not electricity? Maybe that's the Magnemites' strongest weapon, or maybe there's something about plasma that I don't know. Maybe they're creating lances of plasma and launching them, like Zeus.

>"As the two Pokemon landed in the brush, several spheres of plasma converged into an explosive fireball where they had been standing."
Geez, this Mismagius is being really helpful. He's going to want repayment for this...

>"The unit screeched as its metal components softened under the scorching fire and the steel shell surrounding the wires at its core began to melt. Electricity sparked erratically as the wires fused with the molten metal. The officer, widely veered around in the air, screeching as his brain solidified. Fortunately, for the Pokemon, a nearby tree took mercy on him and kindly allowed him to collide with its bark and explode."
Geez. Talk about gore. Good thing it's just a machine.


Wow, does Aleck live? Or does the Scyther kill him and dump him somewhere?


Nine:

>"...careful not to accidently impale it on his paw's boney spike."
I think Lucario's spikes are metal, as well as most of their skeleton. They don't actually say that, but that makes sense as the only reason Lucario would be part Steel-type.

>"He stopped circling directly in front of Nickolas, his eyes burning with anger."
Whose eyes is unclear here. It would make sense either way, but make the most sense for them to be Nick's.


The sequence with the bold and the italic voices is hella vague. This must be the Breloom and Porygon-Z, since I've read this through already most of the way.

>"“Oh, Giratina, what have I done to deserve this?” Aleck croaked, holding his injured eye with his claws.
>“You allowed your greed to get the better of your judgment. This is not the first time that has happened, from my observations.”
>“Giratina?! Is that you?!” Aleck gasped, excitedly looking around the dungeon with his functioning eye."
Hehehe.

>"“Even at the cost of your life?
>Aleck’s heart was about to explode from sheer terror. “Yes! Yes! Anything!”"
Oh man. He really took what Mismagius said to heart.


>"“Alright, so as of now, we’re in the middle of a mystery dungeon. Right about here,” Jay stated, pressing his paw against a clump of green on his torn map that represented the mystery dungeon."
Mystery dungeons can be represented in maps? How can that work? Soon you'll say you can backtracked through them.

>"He had woke up with a layer of dew on his scales and had trouble getting the irritating droplets off his skin. They acted like itching powder on him, causing him to fidget around in discomfort trying to get the stinging water off."
Hah, that's funny. Bit of characterization for the species there. Also, s/woke/woken/ .

At this point, they've gone through a lot of abuse in the past few days. Now that they're on the road, hungry and have no food, they seem to be in a better spot than before. How's that for contrast and irony?

>"Fortunately, this field appeared to be nothing like the one he had first woke up in."
s/woke/woken/


Hmm. Does the Mismagius have good intentions for anyone? It's probably not on the Kingdom's or Colony's sides since that wouldn't be cool enough. He's controlling them, but he works for higher entities, ones that aren't able to communicate with the lowly people directly (or don't have the time, so Mismagius is their secretary). Could they be the gods of space and time, as well as Arceus?

Its habit of pausing and using euphemisms is enraging.


>"and an amalgamation of similar colors that would need an expert on the color spectrum to accurately name them all."
It gets a bit unwieldy at the end. Possible fixes (I think I'm good at keeping track of sentences):
...similar colors that would need an expert to be named.
...similar colors that would need a color expert to name them.
...would need someone greater than Leo to accurately name.
...would need an artist to accurately name them all.
...would need an expert on the color spectrum to be accurately named.

Thus ends my exercise in sentence designing.
I love the rest of that paragraph, though.


Ten:

>"Axis couldn’t help but think of the possible reasoning behind Richelieu’s plans. Control was the obvious answer, but he knew something else was lurking behind that. Some unseen motive that was almost certainly detrimental to the majority of the populace of the town."
Maybe he's working with Mismagius?

Man, what's wrong with those Magnemites? Such horrible creatures...maybe they just need to evolve so they can develop some kind of moral sense, like Axis, as opposed to what was programmed into them.
And then we shift to Leo. What a brilliant mood whip.


Whoever attacke them and knocked them out brought them to the camp? Why would they do that? Oh, nvm.

>"Pokemon with natural spines and scales seemed to be a staple of the camp, nearly everyone Leo saw has some type of armor or appendage that could be used for fighting purposes."
Comma splice there. I think it could use a "since" or a semicolon in place of the comma.
>"I swear, I’ve met rocks more apt to follow orders then you!”"
s/then/than/

Hahaha...those two are funny together. Too bad they must be apart for the general's health.


>"“I’ll never stop running. Not until I see the sun again.”"
Reminds me of Grovyle...


Hmm...Mismagius is controlling him but doesn't actually know he's human. It only found him in the field of death and assumed good things of him, or scanned his mind or something, and so it gave him a chance at life. This human thing should come up as important. I have a feeling that if Leo wwas persistent in asking what Mismagius's plans are, then he would learn nothing, figure out that it was too horrible for him to know at this poing, and say that he'd rather die than carry it out, which would be no fun for anyone (but less non-fun for him and for their targets for a bit).

Hm, that was a drug trip? I only really got that they were dreams since Leo's seemed pretty clear, as well as Jay's. They weren't really surreal enough.


Eleven

>"As the violence spread..."
Spreads, not spread.

Aw man, screw those Colonists. What could the Kingdom have possibly done to warrant destroying Treasure Town and Pokemon Square? Though I guess the other plces ere just as bad, too.


Their mythology of Dialga is close to what we know, but "reside with him in the Hidden Land"? I think we would've seen more variety if that's how it works.
Also, is Jay Nick's son? I feel like he is.

>"In an instant, his mind cleared. He knew no more of the woes of his family. He could not remember his wife’s name, or even if he had a son at all. Nickolas’s memories were purged for every shred of recognition of his loved ones until nothing remained, and he was perfectly fine with it."
That doesn't sound good at all...but anything for the stability of the Kingdom, I guess.
Though the Kingdom was said to be corrupt, so I'm not sure who to root for. I'd say the Kingdom for stability, because revolutions and the aftermath are no fun at all (usually, see America).


>"Noah brought him back to the present as he began to lay down the “rules” he had explained to Jay earlier.
>“Alright, no items, Fox only, Final Destination.”"
I mean what?

That description of the end of his tail when it's not lit is very creepy. Good on you for accurate biology.



All I can say is that I like the numbers 286 and 343.


Hm, if Luminous Orbs are put to common use like that, how illegal are Itemizer Orbs?

>"A large green reptile walked up to them, flanked by a white-furred beast with a crescent blade sticking out of its head and a dusted-green dragon."
I would like to point out that Absol is a large cat, nearly a member of Panthera, and it has a scythe on its head to be precise. "Beast" also doesn't describe its grace well.
(Those are three of my favorite pokemon, geez. How did that happen?)

>"If Leo didn’t know any better, he would have said Sonic looked just as lost as he felt."
He fell into the wrong universe, and isn't the superfast rodent he should be.


>”I really must be going, so wake up, Leo. Wake up and leave me alone.”
Oh poor, victimized you.


>"In fact, this entire arc will be focusing more on character development than action for the most part, I’m sorry to say."
Yay, I like character development.


>"And yes, their reaction is going to be interesting once they find out."
Augh, I need to reach this point. The need! It pulls on my very heart, gentle but unrelenting, though I also want to create something now. It's so agonizing that he got so close and now he has to do work and will probably miss breakfast.

>"Well, as for your theory. It's pretty interesting. And you're the only one so far to even have a theory. I'll say this: you're in the ball-park. Somewhat. Dialga is perfectly sane. That's all I'll give you."
Oh my! *disk read/write noises*
Mismagius is working for whoever it is, and whoever it is has gone insane/power-hungry/some such thing. Or he's working against them, because it doesn't really matter to Leo, at least at this point.

>"Well, he was sitting like a normal dog would on one of the log stumps. That's how I pictured it."
>dog
:|
Member of Panthera. Large cat, the kind that lives in prides (when there are enough of them in the wild, that is) and eats animals such as deer. Has a fluffy mane and would probably purr.


Twelve:

>"on the verge of deathhe"
Is "deathhe" intentional? It sounds like it could be a legit team for death of part of a plant or body, but I'm not sure.

>"If you weren’t the only one within a hundred miles who could do this operation, I would personally escort you back to Mount Travail penitentiary where you can rot until Arceus’s trumpets sound and his Hall opens,” the voice--cold and emotionless-- sneered."
Wow, is the Drowzee from MD2? But he redeemed himself...though there wasn't a penitentiary there in the games.


>"“Listen to me well, boy. I will not kill you this time, but mark my words. If you come within twenty feet of me again, I will rip you apart atom by atom,” he hissed. Within an instant, Leo was blinded and felt the ground underneath his wobbling feet once again."
How awful...he thought he could trust Quark for a moment, but Quark broke that trust completely and damned him too. I feel like he shouldn't be able to smile aafter something like that...

>"A slight urge to tell her everything suddenly shot into his head, but was quickly snuffed out by what Leo assumed was the remainder of his logic. You are not telling anyone anything.
>“It wasn’t anything important.”"
Come on, geez...that's disappointing.


>"And then, the assassination. The poison dart that ended Alexander, left Nickolas with the crown, and began the slow collective decay of the Kingdom."
WHY WOULD YOU DO SUCH A THING
In the middle of an era of happiness and all that, and someone decides to end it. Damn nihilists.

>"“Cicero, tell me, what kind of name is ‘Team JUMP’? Every letter is capitalized. Is it me, or have team names gotten stranger and stranger over the years?”"
Hehe, now I know where I first heard that name.


So the Mismagius is likeable in some ways, if Noah talks to him like that.

>"“I did not expect you would. Although, you would be surprised. The saying ‘time heals all things’ does have a truth to it. It’s only if you want to accept it. That’s the limiting factor.”"
That's deep, man. Where do you get philosophy like that?


>"cannon reference"
What are these cannon references you're talking about? Is cannon a fic?

>"Psychic types are a personal favorite of mine. They could theoretically read and manipulate any thought or memory with a single brainwave, but, to me, most operate by professional standards and only do what they have permission or authorization to do."
But what if one of them doesn't do that? If an Alakazam retains its hedonistic principles into adulthood, what could it not do? The idea reminds me of A Clockwork Orange.


Thirteen:

So Wire is rid of her! Awesome. After all that talk of her in the past page, you wouldn't think that though.
(Also, intelligent supercomputers like him have nightmares? How odd but humanizing.)

>"Outwardly, he expressed his own disapproval of the situation and continued to promise his services to the Colonist’s cause, but on the inside, the only thing that kept him from leaving was the threat of being reunited with Nexus. The Mismagius drove a hard bargain, but he knew it was well worth it."
So she was Mismagius's fault. :| Will bad things happen without her? (Actually, I'm not so sure about that now that I've read that a couple times. Hm.)


>"Leo was certain that he’d be sweating if he had the ability to do so."
Good thing he's a type that enjoys heat. I bet he doesn't have much trouble in cold either, since he can generate heat easily, though he would run out of energy more quickly. How do fire-types store energy anyway, and shouldn't they have to eat a lot to replenish the energy they literally burn?
>"Leo summoned courage and gulped down the watery substance in his bowl as he tried to ignore the chilling feeling that accompanied it."
I bet that chilling feeling has to do with his fire. Rawst berry soup?

>"Both he and Kelly had nothing except her Pecha Scarf -still covered with faint blood stains from Leo’s wound-and his key."
The all-important key. Where would he be if he lost it?
Hm. Could the key be important to Mismagius's plans?

>"...muttering a curse towards Celebi whenever the clinging vines caught in his fur."
What, did Celebi create all this? I don't see why it deserves such antipathy when brambles add so much to forests.

>[Froslass]
The Froslass in PMD2 was nothing like this...imagine if she was...

...
AUGH
What a cliffhanger. Good thing I have the next chapter right here.



>"They banded together to make .... sigh ... Let me get my umbrella for the rain of rotten fruit sure to come from this ... The Chaos Order ..."
TOMATOES INDEED

>"Team Emerald (the support team that occasionally shows up), used to have five members in its roster. By that time, I knew that I needed to cut down on characters, so I decided to axe two of them."
Who were they? I want to know if they were pokemon I like too.

>"Around the time of May 2012, a full three months after I posted the story, I got to talking with a person on here who read the story. After a few days of conversation, I realized that I couldn’t have a mediocre plot anymore. I sat down and thought through everything I had planned out so far. I took one look at it, and I drew a giant “X” over ninety percent of it. I now saw that the ideas were laughable and took on the task of making a better world and plot for my story."
Good thing that happened. Cheers and beers to whoever that was.


Fourteen:

...is this Kyurem? The icy dragon of destruction that is confirmed to eat people?
Kind of odd...
More fighting and near death? What about Kelly? Can she be saved?

>"slapping Leo’s face with every fevered movement and bruising is snout with the repeated hits."
s/ is/ his/

Ah! His flamethrower did it! Nice.


Please tell me you're not going to kill Jay, though...


>"“No. They’re better than that. Jay, Noah, and Leo. All of them are going to get in here and kill you, especially Leo,” she snapped as she faced the Ice type’s glowing eyes."
How does she know that? Seems kind of odd and out-of-character that she would say that.

What a heavy chapter...I miss the light days when he was being abused by Magnemites and successfully escaping from jail.


Fifteen:
(does he escape? I will see)

>"This is it, his thoughts reassured as the heat within him began to dissipate. Every second without his fire lessening his temperature by a fraction. It wasn’t nearly as painful as he thought it would be."
Oh my, that's a nice way to test him.


But he fell in snow.
Then it shifts to Jay. But the shift is unclear, and I thought it was still Leo for a moment. You might want to edit it to make it more clear.

Hm, he's been figuratively asleep all this time...
Ripped his aura out? I knew something bad would happen, but gosh. How can he survive this? This shall be interesting to see...

>"Even the greatest and most powerful among you are blinded to justice and the cries of the ones who need it most. Some go their entire lives without seeing the true world."
Maybe this applies to the Kings too.


Someone burned the church because Nick had visited it. Did they know that it would cause this?

>"That day, a fire raged in Silver City. Thick clouds of black smoke hid the sun from the evil on the streets while the Chancellor sat on the rooftop and watched it burn."
The Scyther! I knew it was him all along. (I think he's the Chancellor, at least.)


>"Leo spun around. He was now standing on a tiny platform in the middle of a fathomless chasm. The rows upon rows of unmoving Pokémon screamed their silent screams at him. He wanted to hide and shield his face, yet he couldn’t escape their gazes. They were mocking him, their frozen screams transformed into a chorus of sickening laughter. He shut his eyes and covered his face with his claws."
This made me shiver... very effective.


>"Sparks flared before a single bolt of electricity jumped in between her outstretched paws and remained suspended there as she kept the current moving through her."
I had to read the second half a couple times to understand it...I think you should remove the "there".

Finally! Mismagius intervenes. Will he ever have a break from preventing their deaths?


What a long story arc that was. Kind of unpleasant, too. I'm glad to see it over and the characters all alive, even though they must be majorly traumatized.
And now I understand why Jay has a blindfold in your new banner. I thought it was a metaphor, but I guess not, unless he regains his aura powers but doesn't lose the clarity Mismagius (may have?) gave him and he tries to learn to use it by blinding his physical eyes. Not a likely event, but, well, I like metaphors.
I can also see Leo and Kelly shipped now...cuddling, laying on the side of a hill, staring off into the same distance with the same thousand-yard stare...you may have traumatized them a bit much. Hm.

Geez, what a chapter.


Though I have to note a pattern of paragraph design that I don't like. You keep writing paragraphs of about the same length, one after the other, sometimes not and broken up by shorter paragraphs. The shorter bits make it more effective, I think. Otherwise, in a long sequence of medium-length paragraphs, it can become a hot, deep, thick, syrupy trough that I must slough through after a while. That could partly be me after reading for a couple hours or so, but I wish there was more paragraph variety.


Now I think Mismagius is getting too friendly here...I think if I hadn't just re
alized that he should have bad plans for the four (except maybe Noah) that I wou
ld be in for a shock soon.

>"I liked the end to this chapter as being rescued by darkness, rather than light, is interesting."
>"It's rather symbolic, really. For this chapter and the rest of the story."
"Oh my" doesn't do it here to describe the sheer something that I am reacting to this response with. Oh my, oh gosh, wow, what? Dude. That almost feels like a spoiler. Well, don't tell us all the symbols.



Now, for some reason I feel the need to convey more meaning to people, like this guy I had a conversation in Youtube comments with a few days ago. We were talking about which of four people in an LP would be represented by which of the characters in Earthbound. I said Chuggaaconroy would be represented by Ness rather than Jeff because he's the most pure-hearted of them all, and because shipping him with Lucahjihn, who would be represented by Paula, is kind of popular among some people. He was having trouble comprehending why Chugga would be Ness, and eventually said that he didn't know what he was saying or what he was doing with his life. I feel like I could definitely say something profound to him if I knew something to say. Losing control of your life (or whatever it is) is something I'm sympathetic with, but not something I can give advice on. This was kind of painful for me. Anyway, sorry for the block of text, but I felt like getting something off my mind in this post along with all the other text. Man, that chapter was heavy...maybe I should sleep before reading the next one.



Sixteen:

Hm...I thought Grovyle would have more love for the world than that.

>"Leo and Noah only needed Oran-soaked bandages for their wounds..."
Why is it so common to soak bandages in Oran berry juice? You'd think it was canon for how many fics I've seen use it. Are they all influenced by one great fic that uses it or something? It's nice, though.

>"It was only after Leo and Kelly told him of the Froslass —both omitting the Mismagius’s role— that the Feraligatr became convinced."
I wish we could see the emotion behind that...

>"Besides, it wasn’t my fault they keep the Itemizer Orbs out in the open like that,” he muttered while pinning the badge onto his worn satchel."
Oh god, how awful that must have been. The effects must be reversible, though, if it's not that serious. I thought they would just be illegal for extremely good reasons, and immoral to keep around.

>"The towering Feraligatr always lovingly mentioned the town, and Noah had found entries upon entries in his journal about the farming village."
Why are you reading his journal, Noah? :|


>"“The saviors: Ignis, Tonitrua, Animus, et Aqua... At long last,” Ian muttered and let the chalk slip from his claws."
Wait, what? How does he know of them? Are these four fictional, all being dreamed up in the mind of a starving Breloom on the wall of his prison? Is that the source of their existence? Man, what's up with him?

Come on, don't kill them both....


>"“He taught you well. Damn him. Name’s Kinsliy, a Sneasel if you’ve never seen me.”"
Oh, I thought it was a Zoroark at first, except that you didn't describe any hair.

>"“If you come this way, I’ll give it back. After you’ve helped me finish a job,” she ordered as she began walking away."
But what if it almost kills him again? What will she owe him for that?

>"“You know I don’t mean that,” Leo softly cooed, holding his tail in his claws. The temperamental flame flared brightly in his claws, bathing them with warmth.
>“I’ll pretend I didn’t hear that and say that we’ve arrived,” Kinsliy interjected."
Wut? Geez.
Someone ship Leo with his tail flame.

>""You may be the last alive, but you are not special. You are simply the one who avoided all lethal misfortunes. Now, you are the only one who can carry on,”[\i][\b] the Mismagius said with a frustrated sigh."
Hm, your tags are showing.

I would like to see this Mismagius sitting. This is an important piece of fanart to be made, along with Ian's mural and him and Vertex.

>"While he spoke, the environment finally finished its massive metamorphosis from forest to a limitless canopy of stars. But here, it was closer —much closer. If he had the ability, Leo would have tried to reach out to the slow-spinning whirlpools of stars. Amid a cluster of far-off galaxies and fiery points of light against the blackness, the cause of nearly all of his pain and also the source of his life stood silhouetted by the dim glow of the universe."
Wow. Is this an approximation of the perspective of powerful beings like Mismagius?

>"“I accept,” he stated firmly, barely managing to suppress his fear. The specter’s eyes widened greedily and returned the gesture, the shadowy tendril curling around his claws."
>greedily
I almost trusted him for a moment...


>"“Also, have you seen Leo? We haven’t seen him in town, and we figured he’d be with you,” Noah asked distractedly..."
>"She only needed to clear her head. She prayed to Raikou that the mountain air would refresh her. If it doesn’t work, A shudder passed through her skin, then I’ll have to find some way to make the terrors cease."
Hehehe.


>"Dust of discarded knowledge blurred the air and dulled the meaningless sun. A soft wind lifted one thousand years’ worth of knowledge into the smog-ridden clouds to tarnish the silver spires. A strangled gust of air kicked up a flurry of ashen remains into the empty streets. Not a soul was present to witness the aftermath of the chaos."
THEY BURNED A LIBRARY. Did they have any sympathy before? I'm afraid they have joined the groups of grey.

Poor Darney. Emotional conflicts at a time like that cannot be anywhere near fun.


I like Chapter 16. Though I wish Leo had gotten to do something other than work.

>"okay"
I do not agree with this word.



Seventeen:

I'm now taking this warning seriously...I'm kind of afraid of the violence to come. Well, time to see it.

>"It is now only us who continues to stand.”"
Extra s on the end of continue.

WHAT, IAN LIVES! YESSSS
Though you wroted "scared" instead of "scarred" there.

Zero Isle? What hellhole could that place have become when removed from the bounds of a Nintendo game?

Hm. Well, on to a long and successful recovery (I wish)!


>"Sunlight rained down upon the rolling green hills and valleys surrounding Shiloh. The verdant slopes burst forth with the colors and scents of the height of summer. Far above the bountiful fields of the country town, the sun bathed the land in its gentle glow as it rose from the blue horizon. Farms and empty grasslands eventually gave way to lush forested foothills at the base of the mountain range."
Hm, I think you might be putting too many comparisons in this paragraph, with "raining down," "burst forth" and "bathed". Kind of overloaded with them.

>"“Too fancy for ‘em. Humans don’t make ornate stuff like that,” he replied to Kelly after she had questioned his knowledge on the subject."
Yes they do. See the Taj Mahal for somewhere near an upper bound. Noah, your knowledge is flawed.

>"Just stay alive and do not breathe in the spores,” Noah whispered again, almost mouthing the words in near silence."
Venusaur? It seems pretty monstrous.


Greusome death of an Ivysaur, and Leo moves closer to the Dark Side.
I skipped over most of the descriptions of violence, maimings and horrible deaths and injuries because that's really not my thing.

>"He mentally cursed Kinsliy for shanghaiing him into working; it was because of that damned Sneasel that he wasn’t with his team now. His teeth gnashed together as he secretly hoped that she was among the casualties."
Can't say I don't completely disagree...


Aw, what? No, come on! I wanted Team Emerald to be good!
I knew Torrent was going to die somehow, but why those three...

>"The Grovyle breathed and twisted his neck, cracking his bones as his arms pushed off the ground with a huff of strength. His crimson eyes locked with Leo’s, and a crooked smile appeared on his face."
They made a deal with someone, didn't they? (Maybe it's an opposite of Mismagius.)

Graceful way for Elliot to die, at least.

>"but it possessed an ethereal aura about herself."
Misplaced her in there.


>"It was more hideous than she imagined. A festering orange carapace engulfed by an enormous red and white mushroom that seemed to seethe a cloud of spores with every zombified step it took."
Oh my! Parasect is cool, especially with its potential for monstrous zombification. Though my interpretation of it is more like what Ysavryl wrote about its pokedex entry, that the mushroom just controls its general desires like for darkness and moisture.

What a nice part. They were successful in a fight! And no major injuries. I love this.

>"While she had no way of knowing if his guess was right, the Parasect certainly seemed serene. It wasn’t flailing, and it wasn’t trying to claw its way towards them in a last act of vengeance. It was simply resting on the ground as its life drained away, seemingly enraptured in moving one of its legs up and down under its own free will, not under a fungal parasite. It looked around with its partly ruined face to see the forest with its eyes before collapsing with a violent shudder and going still."
That is beautiful.

>"“It seems then you and Dusk are doomed for conflict. Dusk will have fun ripping your throats out,” the attacker growled lowly..."
Aw, god, more of that! You three would be wise to run, you know.

Yes! Victory! Exclamation point.

>"“Dusk has failed his general... Failed to kill the hu-” Dusk whimpered before Noah drove his foot into the Houndoom’s muzzle, silencing him mid-sentence."
!!!!!

Man, I like this part. One thing is character development, which I think was executed here, and I like it. Two is the lack of death of the main characters.

>"And so they drove deeper, one blind but seeing, one injured but walking, and one healthy but broken."
That's a good reminder of Kelly's poor state...

>"...ramblings about dungeons and a girl he had waiting for him on the other end of the world."
"a girl he had waited for him" sounds like an error. A girl that had waiting for him? A girl he had waited for (not as likely)?


>"<.... Access Granted. Firewall Disabled.>
She squealed with delight as the shimmering wall of artificial flames faded away and she glided over the smoldering remains."
Eee,that is so cute! And metaphorical firewall? Funny.
This seems like Vertex, but I remember Vertex being male. Maybe this is a Porygon-Z, like I thought Vertex was at first?

I like the "shimmering porthole in the vast data stream." It seems like a whole world that Porygons can exist in. If they had artistic capabilities they could shape those worlds to amazing pieces of art, but only humans can do that and only Porygons can go there. Interesting and somewhat agonizing bit of mutual exclusion. Though, that could be passed if they programmed art into Porygon-Z...though they couldn't do true art that humans can do, right? (I think their art would beless meaningful to them than it is for us, but maybe it could be more meaningful? But looking at the nature of art, the nature of humanity and the nature of the cosmos, art has no true, ultimate meaning, just like everything else. Trying to implement art into a computer system is asking for failure, an ineffective result, or a state of existential despair.)

>"Now all that remained was to find a way to subvert the system. There was always a catch, though.
>“...How can I subvert the system when I am the system?”"
What a question...and one that I want an answer to.

How does Ian tie into the others? Hopefully they rescue him somehow, or at least others rescue him.


>"Now, I need to clear this up. The quote is not completely mine. It was taken from a wonderful poem by Henry Wadsworth Longfellow called "The Reaper and the Flowers" (Read it here)."
Oh, now I understand. Poor Ian...(but not poor us :D how sadistic of me.)

>"By now most of you have noticed Chapter 16 and its glaring issues. Well, I'm starting to fix it. That's right. I'm fixing that train wreck of a chapter.
Starting first by cutting it down to size, getting to the real point instead of the layers of description that surrounded everything."
Hm, I sort of want to see the original version. I might enjoy it.

I liked Chapter 17. I don't think that's special, but I feel content right now. Maybe it's the improvements that you talked about.



Eighteen:
>"The Lucario pressed his paw against the window. Just beyond its shelter, a storm pounded the palace with a deluge of rain. Nickolas sighed, his breath misting-up the window for an instance. The interior of the palace was warm and dry, yet the royal Pokémon shivered under his attire. He rubbed his paws over his arms, but to no avail. His impressive cloak did little to shield his soul from the coldness of his citizens’ hearts. Their hatred clouded his mind."
I can empathize with that...
Oh wait, it's literal. Geez, poor guy.
(Oh hey, an error in there. s/instance/instant )

>"He had utterly failed. He had let those who conspired against him win. With that thought, Nickolas opened his eyes; finally seeing through the storm. It had been them who had slaughtered his family, ignited the civil war, surrendered his power, burned the church, and sparked the riots. Not him."
Wait, that sounds wrong. Don't do that. That will lead to worse things...
...(I would like to note that I didn't know he was on a ledge and that he was above ground level until now)...come to redeem yourself, Darnéy?

Ah, Ruak...thank god for religion sometimes. What a beautiful section.




>"“Ma’am? You’re done with him? ... Can I?” It was the voice of an enemy. The voice of the traitor. Blade. Leo’s thoughts boiled inside his head at the mere idea of the Grovyle being alive when so many others were dead.
“No. You are not to kill him. That will be decided after this war is over."
Oh god, what an *******...but I love Grovyle. whyyyyyyyyyyyy
That line sounded so innocent for a moment...until it was revealed to be murderous intent.

>"...but it couldn’t have been larger than Loyalty Sqaure’s marketplace."
s/sqaure/square/

>"“You know? Your actions caused the deaths of my team. Well, it seems fair warning that your teammates weren’t so lucky either...” Blade hissed down at the quivering Charmeleon."
Oh, I see. He has a good reason for this.
Poor Leo now, thinking his team is dead. I have a wish to actually tell him that's not true. And what is that thing over him? Sounds soul-sucking.
Also, poor Elliot, being dead.
Blade, I'm not quite so sure about.


>"He was never going to find such a pair again with such an in-depth knowledge of mystery dungeons and the strange intradimensional doors they wielded: the curious Magnagate."
Now I really wish I knew PMD3.

And those are those Espeon and Umbreon? Kelly will be able to meet them...that will be so amazing...(Or not, if this Sceptile gets his way.)
And Espeon seems to make a really good mother figure for some reason. Maybe part of it is its purple coloration, maybe the rest is other parts of our culture that I could have studied more in my last English class. I wonder if it's different in Japanese culture, too? (I also wonder if anyone has shipped Wes's Espeon and Umbreon. Those two are cool.)


>"“... I don’t want to save the world again... I’ve already lost everyone... My partner, my teammates, Post Town...” Noah sighed and looked at the ghost, his gaze pleading with him. “I’m begging you... Don’t make me do it again!”"
Man...


Oh, that was a Gardevoir? Well, I never really liked them anyway.

Hm, so that's Aleck? I was wondering about that. Now I need to get some settings straight though.
This is the Colonist prison that they use for anyone they need imprisoned. It's not spacially connected to anything, except that it's somewhat near where the rest of Salient is. Aleck was transported here, which may have given them trouble unless they went through the unfriendly shortcut because it's a pretty long distance. The Metagross went pretty far to get there too. (He might have a part in the upcoming events. He's also quite humanized for a machine. Kind of an odd guy. Does he ever segfault, or have they moved beyond memory management? Actually, a segfault wouldn't matter in an environment like a mind probably, though writing to the wrong part of the memory could still have horrible consequences.) This is quite a complex, and it contains a courtyard too. Could this possibly be the complex that Ian was held captive in? No, probably too early in the story for that.
Now this prison is all set up in my mind.


This was a good chapter.

I like how both the Kingdom and the Colonies have done awful things for Leo in their own ways. The only way he got any friendliness was under a general that didn't really follow the Kingdom completely.



Thus, my stream of thought ends. There's some important thought in here, as well as some "lol"s and other parts I just liked. I like the complexity of this fic, as well as the fighting to some extent even though I don't like fighting much. Now, excuse me for being bad at conclusions while I conclude this stream.
Looking forward to new chapters, especially Leo's conversation with Aleck (the guy betrayed him, after all), the travels of the rest of Team Salient, how Espeon and Umbreon will be spared (since the Sceptile said he needs them), and Nick and Darnéy.


Edit: I had another thought after I posted this. This Kelly/Leo shipping would have to be put on hold for a while if it was going to become a tangible part of the story. Or I thought that before going back to the beginning of Chapter 16, where it says "Leo and Noah only needed Oran-soaked bandages for their wounds, and Kelly spent the day wrapped in a blanket, sitting next to the Charmeleon to recover from the cold," showing that they did in fact get an actual chance to develop a relationship. Maybe it wasn't long enough to be effective though, especially now that Leo has been separated for an unknown amount of time, but that would be significant for shipping.

I found an issue at the beginning of Chapter 16, though. Quark came near Leo again and didn't obliterate him? Did he even heal Leo?
And a second, even smaller issue, is: s/other’s conditions/others’ conditions/

Edit 2: I just noticed in your signature that Jay's band is almost the same color as Leo's skin, and so is Kelly's scarf to some extent. Is that symbolic or even intentional? Could be some great symbolism if it is.

I was watching an LP of Xenoblade and I noticed that Alvis is wearing a key around his neck. It immediately reminded me of Leo. I suspect that Alvis is working for the wrong side, and he definitely has some kind of intentions and might be deferring to someone else of more power, kind of similar to Leo. His key is brass instead of crystal, though.
 
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Omegagoldfish

My will be done
Very interesting Knightfall,your past notes seem to have a decent potential for parody, maybe a group of writers making fun of their horrible previous ideas could make a decent club or satire story, thanks for the (unintended) idea!
Congratulations on having over 20,000 views on your thread!
 

Spiteful Murkrow

Early Game Encounter
Since it's veering on the side of "comically late" for feedback, I will skip the error-hunting which has already been done about 9 months ago and skip to the impressions.

First off, I quite enjoyed reading through this fic last summer, even if some parts made me blanch a bit more than I liked. The language does a great job at constructing scenes and conveying action, the worldbuilding's engrossing, and you do a great job in general of making your readers want to come back for more.

One question that I must ask though, is whether you develop the names of the various characters, places, and whatnot around themes? Or your story themes around your names? Because just going through your character names, I have a hard time believing that most, if not all of them weren't chosen after a lot of thought:

Some of your more prominent Kingdom-affiliated characters are rather transparent historical allusions, and as such they were the first names that I noticed this with:

- Nickolas I am dead certain you styled after Nicholas II, the final Tsar of Russia. The fact that he had a wife named Alexandria and a son named Alexei, and the fact that his realm is racked by internal revolt all but seals it. I half-expect him to wind up getting executed in some log hut later in the story.
- Richelieu possesses the same general M.O. of power consolidation at the expense of peripheral regime figures as France's very own conniving Cardinal of the same name during the time of the Thirty Years' War. He seems to also draw a bit from some of the more common portrayals of Cardinal Richelieu as a slimy and greedy schemer in fiction given that his ultimate goal seems to array that power consolidation around himself.

But the more I dug into your characters' names, the more I'm convinced that the vast majority of them at the least are not coincidental. From your main cast, we have:

- Leo is obviously "lion". While your Leo is obviously not remotely feline, I get the suspicion that you chose this more for the symbolism related to lions such as bravery and leadership given the general direction Leo's character development moved in the story.
- Jay could be any number of things, since it's a short form for roughly a dozen names. The one that particularly stood out though was "a foolish or gabby person", which given how long it has taken Jay to get with the program, seems rather apropos.
- Kelly is derived from an Irish term that can apparently be read as 'warrior'
- Noah means "comfort, long-lived, repose", though in your case I'm pretty sure that your choice of name likely also alludes to the Biblical Noah, who in his narrative is one of a handful of survivors from the destruction of a corrupt world.

And among other characters, we have:

- Icarus, who shares the name of the overly-headstrong kid from Greek Mythology, and isn't exactly a paragon of wisdom himself. Given said kid's fate, I do not expect to see the bird alive whenever your final chapter rolls around.
- Kinsliy, judging from a typo in your last chapter, seems to be a play off of Kinsley, which itself is a variant of Kingsley, meaning "King's Field". Given her job, that's not exactly an inappropriate name.
- Ian is one that I can't tell if it's coincidental, or deliberate and incredibly perverse irony since it means "Gift of God".
- Ira given her habit of speaking in Latin, I'm pretty sure is named after the Latin term for "Wrath".

Hope life goes well for you in this busy season of yours, I will certainly be looking forward to your next chapter, whenever it comes.
 
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