Pokemon Mystery Dungeon- Reign of Empires

[Armored Zangoose]

Coming ths Sunday to your local Serebii forums:

Matter eroded away in the tunnel. The Cyndaquils body began to bend, becoming that of a human.

"I trusted you!" said the other pokemon. "I trusted you. You were my invaluable partner- I hate you."
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"Do not worry." said a voice. "Your government, the new Empire will take care of this."

"Charizard, Tyranitar." said Alakazam. "I'm sorry it has to end like this. I jnever ment for this to happen. Thank you- you've both been great friends."

The mob began to swarm them. None of the team resisted.

"My first decree, to make sure this treason to our nation will never occur again." said the Emperor. "Is that all Pokemon Rescue Teams disband and their members become the soldiers of our new, unstoppable army."
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"The calamity, coming it is." said Xatu. "Our new empire will not last long."
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A Weavile, Banette, and Murkrow fight against a Cubone, Torchic, and Munchlax.

Ninetales looked at who had survived. Grovyle, Dusknoir, Absol, Glaceon, Xatu, Gardevoir, Scizor, Diglett and Dugtrio, Wigglytuff, Celebi, and Team Razorwind.

"It'll have to do." she said. We don't have time to fight back right now- we have to keep running."

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"W-who are you?"

"I am all your fear. I am all the hate and anger pointed at you. I am the punishment for your crimes. I am your bane."

"I am Lucario,, your brother."

"GOODBYE EMPEROR!"

 

[TurtwigFan1]

Are you being serious?

This is nothing more than a random collection of badly described two-liners. Plus your grammar is quite bad. I'm sure you wouldn't post it like this, but don't preview it like this either.

 

[PokemonHero]

*In before Yami Ryu starts to rant*

Seriously, I hope this isn't what we have to look forward to. Like TurtwigFan1 said, the grammar isn't the greatest.

Besides, this really isn't a preview. This is more of a commercial, and there's a thread for that. When posting a preview, you need to post an excerpt from the actual story. Please tell me that you are not planning to write the first part of the story between now and Sunday, because unless you're a skilled enough writer, it probably won't turn out good.

Of course, I will hold back full judgment until I read the actual story. What you've shown, though, really doesn't give a good first impression.

 

[Psychic]

Indeed. If you are making a new thread, which means you are posting a preview, you should have one (or more if you prefer) proper scene/s written up to showcase, rather than a couple lines from multiples scenes. That is much better suited to the Fan Fiction Commercials thread PokemonHero has linked to (which would be all right to bump considering it's such a versitile thread) where short snippets such as things would be perfect.

However, if you want to give your preview its own thread, you need to put a lot more effort into each scene. Simply telling us what happens and offering a line of dialogue is not enough to truly set up a scene. For a "commercial" it's fine, but anything in its own thread should be good enough to be posted and judged as a true story, meaning that setting the scene and describing both surroundings and characters is vital.


For instance, part of the scene you have:

"W-who are you?"

"I am all your fear. I am all the hate and anger pointed at you. I am the punishment for your crimes. I am your bane."

Instead of just having the words, you need to include description of the people and the place, set the mood and really show a part of the story with the best quality writing possible. So for instance, in the end it would look something more like this (though I am changing the characters on purpose):

With his entire sight tinged a deep red-orange, everything from the walls of the volcano to her black cape to both oponents' sweat-soaked faces from the molten lava stirring, bubbling and brewing not far below the platform, he stared at her. The tall woman stood calmly on the other side of the platform, black eyes glinting dangerously, an evil grin on her face. Her cape swirled around her from the rolling waves of humidity as she slowly pet the Houndoom standing at her side, its demon-like tail swishing, the fiery light reflecting off the ivory bones on its back. A cold chill ran up his spine even through the overwhelming heat all around him, even seeping through the floor so his feet felt hot in his hiking boots.

"W-who are you?" he stammered, putting on the bravest face against his foe. He doubted the show would fool anyone, but he tried to be strong; everyone was relying on him in this moment. He had to focus on that.

Throwing back her head, the woman laughed without mirth, the sickening sound echoing against the burning walls. The Houndoom did not take its demonic eyes off him, staring holes into his skull. When she finally turned to glare back at him, he felt something cold close around his heart. "I am all your fear. I am all the hate and anger pointed at you. I am the punishment for your crimes. I am your bane." She grinned the devil's grin, and his heart stopped. It couldn't be!

While it's not the scene you may have had in mind, it's closer to what we would expect of a fic preview thread, and should be something to aim for.



Please do take note of this. You do seem to have some interesting concepts, but if you don't include description, not just of places and eople, but of Pokémon and emotions, then you don't have much of a preview (and of course you won't have much of a fic later on if your writing is always like that - seeing as you didn't give much example of your writing, we have no reason to assume otherwise).

Keep working at it; take the time and effort to really make something that will blow your readers away and make them eager to read more, not just because of the story, but because of the writing itself - the description, the mood the emotions. Please take note of all this, and be sure to read the Author's Café Rules for next time. Best of luck!

~Psychic