1. We have moved to a new forum system. All your posts and data should have transferred over. Welcome, to the new Serebii Forums. Details here
    Dismiss Notice
  2. Be sure to join the discussion on our discord at: Discord.gg/serebii
    Dismiss Notice
  3. If you're still waiting for the e-mail, be sure to check your junk/spam e-mail folders
    Dismiss Notice

Pokemon Mystery Dungeon: Survivors of Tyurma Falls (PG-15)

Discussion in 'Fan Fiction' started by Kabutopzilla, Apr 6, 2009.

Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.
  1. Kabutopzilla

    Kabutopzilla En Prócsem

    High time I wrote this and posted it. Maybe, since it's a POKEMON fic, I'll actually get some feedback. :D

    This fic has been rated PG-15 for semi-intense violence including graphic insect gut-spilling violence, mildly bloody action scenes, moderate swearing throughout, and some dark and frightening elements.

    Pokemon Mystery Dungeon: Survivors of Tyurma Falls

    by Kabutopzilla​

    Introduction

    The region of Erukita has been plagued with war for the past twenty years. The war belongs to the loyal followers of the pseudogod Reg, the Regigigas, fighting against The Rebels, former followers of Reg, led by the sinister Honchkrow named Doc. Well, things run far out of hand when The Rebels deliberately force helpless civilians to take part in the war as Reg and his followers experiment on said civilians to create the ultimate super-soldiers. But what happens when Doc attempts to bribe a former officer Kabutops to join the war? After Kabutar rejects the offer, Doc forcibly tattoos the mark of a Rebel onto Kabutar's body. The officers of Tyurma Falls, Kabutar's hometown, catch Kabutar with the mark of a Rebel on his chest. As such, Kabutar is sentenced to death exactly the next day after, but conveniently that night, Tyurma Falls is attacked and destroyed. The next morning, nothing but ruin remained. No creature was found alive in these ruins. But Kabutar knew some had survived and escaped. He could just feel it. But with the mark of a Rebel tattooed on his chest, who do you think the authorities would have to blame for the sudden raid of the helpless town?

    Chapter One: The Night Before

    Kabutar woke. For him, it was yet another day…of nothing. Tyurma Falls was safe from harm, he thought, and the war was their problem. But as of now, he really couldn’t care less.

    Tyurma Falls was a quiet, peaceful town. Unlike the others in Erukita, everyone knew everyone else. Nobody got mugged on their way home from work. Crime was practically nonexistent; children never had the chance to experience it. The town was small, and the mature Pokemon had hoped it would stay safe from the war that plagued the rest of Erukita. Arceus bless their soul.

    Kabutar stepped into a bar, and sat down next to Wolf, one of his best buddies. Wolf was an Arcanine that remained on the police force of Tyurma Falls even after Kabutar quit. Every day, someone new asks why he quit, and he always replies: “Nothing goes on here. You should just enjoy life while you can…”

    Wolf turned to Kabutar.

    “What’s new?” Wolf asked.

    “The usual. You live in a boring town, thus you live a boring life,” Kabutar replied. “How’s officer work doing you?”

    “Nothing again,” Wolf complained. “You know, I might just join you in quitting this old, boring job.”

    “It’d do you some good,” Kabutar said. “By now, you and I are set for life. Down here in Tyurma Falls, inflation doesn’t exist.”

    “Yep. And that’s a good thing,” Wolf responded. “If we lived in, say, Volasto with this kind of money, we’d be put in an alley for the homeless.”

    “Yet no one enjoys living here,” Kabutar said. “Everyone prefers to ‘live the good life’. I say ‘bleh’.”

    “Yeah, but that’s everyone else. You shouldn’t care about them. Just care about us down here in this beautiful town with an extravagant view,” Wolf said.

    “Yeah…” Kabutar responded. A Politoed jumped up behind the counter.

    “Heya Kabutar,” the Politoed said happily. “Can I get you anything?”

    “Hey Pol,” Kabutar said. “And I’d like the usual, please.”

    “Coming right up, sir!” Pol said cheerily. Pol ran into the back and picked up an Anorith exoskeleton with some form of goop within it. He came back out with the food and dropped it in front of Kabutar. “Hope you enjoy it! It’s on the house this time.”

    “Thanks, Pol. You’re the best,” Kabutar told Pol.

    “Anytime, Kay,” Pol said back, happily as always. ‘Kay’ was a nickname Pol called Kabutar since they had become buddies.

    Kabutar picked up the Anorith exoskeleton and drained the goop from inside it. Then, Kabutar hammered on the exoskeleton until it was shattered into multiple pieces of shell. Kabutar then started to eat the shell pieces one at a time.

    “You really like Anorith, don’t you?” Wolf asked.

    “It’s the only food here that is tailored to how I eat,” Kabutar replied. “It’s far better than attacking helpless Pokemon and sucking out their blood, now isn’t it?”

    “True that,” Wolf said. “Yo, man. It’s time for me to get back on duty. It may be pointless, but it’s the only thing that feeds my son.”

    “Alright. You take care, now,” Kabutar said to Wolf, and saluted. Wolf performed a formal bow, and then walked out of the bar.

    “So…you just gonna hang around here, or what?” Pol asked Kabutar. Kabutar looked at Pol.

    “Yeah, I probably have to go. See ya, Pol,” Kabutar said. Pol smiled and waved at Kabutar as Kabutar walked out of the bar. Kabutar turned to Pol and waved back. “Thanks again for the Anorith.”

    Kabutar stepped out of the bar and walked down the hill nearby to the beach. He walked on the soft sand with tracks following behind him. At the shore, where high tide began to start, Kabutar fell to his knees and began to sob. He looked down at the sand in front of him.

    “I miss you, uncle,” he whispered. He looked out at the horizon on the sea. “I miss you, mother and father. I wish I could have met you, or known you…”

    A dark figure stood behind a rock with a few other dark figures behind it. They watched as Kabutar wept over the loss of family.

    “Psssh, what a crybaby,” the dark figure spat.

    “Is that him?” one of the other dark figures asked.

    “Yes,” the dark figure responded. “Now, it is getting dark, perfect for introducing myself. All of you stay behind. Only attack if he attacks me, you got it?”

    The other dark figures agreed. The main dark figure walked out at a steady pace with its skinny legs.

    “Sorry to hear about your losses,” it told Kabutar. “How very…unfortunate.”

    Kabutar turned and looked at the dark figure.

    “Have you not ever heard of privacy?” Kabutar barked. “Buzz off!”

    “I believe I knew your parents. And perhaps your uncle as well,” the figure said. “Your parents were killed when you were a wee Kabuto, and your uncle was an Omastar, am I correct?”

    “Yeah, but…how did you know?” Kabutar asked.

    “I am not required to share such information,” the figure said. “Oh, and how rude of me. Allow me to introduce myself. My name is Doc, the mastermind Honchkrow.”

    The figure cracked a creepy smile. Kabutar jumped back a few feet.

    “Get away from me, you criminal!” Kabutar yelled.

    “Now, now, let’s not be judgmental,” Doc said. “I never said I was here to hurt you.”

    “Not directly,” Kabutar growled. “You want me to join your petty war, don’t you?”

    “Actually, yes,” Doc responded. “Are you psychic or something?”

    “Shut up,” Kabutar spat. “I can tear you to shreds right now!”

    “Under what charges?” Doc replied in a sinister tone. “I understand you could do such a thing, but then I ask: why would you? You have nothing against me. I have done nothing to harm you. All I’ve asked you to do was to join my war to destroy Reg. We could use someone tough like you.”

    “You think I’m tough?” Kabutar said. “I’m not even close!”

    “But you are, Kabutar,” Doc said. “You just don’t wish to embrace it.”

    “How do you know my name?” Kabutar wondered, officially creeped out at this point.

    “Must I tell you every damn snippet of information possible?” Doc retorted.

    “Uh, yeah,” Kabutar said. “Tell me everything, starting with why I should join you. If you don’t, you can just forget it, and get the hell off my beach!”

    Doc sighed. “Very well, then,” he said. “I suppose we could find someone else…”

    “Damn right you can,” Kabutar swore. “Because I don’t want to be a part of something I have no sympathy for.”

    Doc ignored that last remark, and slowly walked off. Kabutar turned back around to look at the horizon. Doc walked around the rock and spoke to the other dark figures.

    “Toxica, pin the poor creature down,” Doc told a Toxicroak, who subsequently nodded in agreement. “And Tort, if the Kabutops tries anything funny, tear him apart with a powerful Grass-type attack.”

    The Torterra nodded. Toxica ran out onto the beach at a fast speed and punched Kabutar down to the ground. She then held Kabutar’s limbs down with force.

    “Don’t try and cut me, or the arm comes off,” Toxica told Kabutar. Tort stood nearby, ready to dismember Kabutar should he go beyond trying something funny. Toxica turned her head to Doc and nodded. Doc waltzed out onto the beach, humming a tune. He walked up to Kabutar and looked down at him.

    “Hold still now, this will only hurt quite a bit,” Doc told Kabutar. Kabutar spat mud into Doc’s face. Sighing, Doc nodded at Toxica and wiped the mud off with his wing. Toxica bent Kabutar’s arm back, enough to cause pain, but not enough to break the limb. Doc held a wing to Kabutar’s chest and used some sort of dark magic to engrave a symbol on his bosom. Kabutar was too busy wincing in pain from Toxica’s little attack to notice what Doc was doing. After thirty seconds, Doc stepped away, as well as Tort and Toxica. As soon as Kabutar recovered, the three menacing characters were no where to be found. Kabutar felt a stinging pain on his chest, and looked down at it. Kabutar gasped. The mark of a Rebel sat on his upper chest; engraved no more perfectly than if Doc had done it. Kabutar was confused, angry, and sad.

    Even though I refuse to join them, Kabutar thought. They make me one of them anyway.

    Much to Kabutar’s misfortune, an officer ran out onto the beach and forcibly arrested Kabutar. Kabutar was about to tell the officer that this was not his doing, that Doc had done this to him, but then he thought about how desperate to escape that would have sounded.

    Kabutar was thrown into a court, with judge Marowak and chief Blaziken in there as well.

    “Former officer Kabutar?” Judge Marowak said.

    “Yes ma’am,” Kabutar replied.

    “Would you mind explaining to me how you got the mark of a Rebel on your chest so suddenly?”

    “It was tattooed on me forcibly, ma’am,” Kabutar said.

    “Can you prove it?” chief Blaziken said.

    “Doc Honchkrow put it on me,” Kabutar told them.

    “Doc Honchkrow?” Judge Marowak said. “The same Doc Honchkrow that is performing a mysterious mining operation on Halo Island as we speak?”

    “That may be true,” Kabutar said. “But he came here, ma’am. I saw him. And I’m not crazy.”

    “It’s true, ma’am,” chief Blaziken said. “His file shows no report of being delusional or mentally insane.”

    “Fair enough,” Judge Marowak said. “But still, he may be lying.”

    “Chief Blaziken will tell you, I do not lie in a situation as serious as this, ma’am,” Kabutar said. Judge Marowak looked at chief Blaziken, who nodded in agreement to Kabutar’s statement. The judge sighed.

    “Fine,” Judge Marowak agreed. “But still, the law states that we must enforce the law and only give mercy when certain conditions are met. You may be innocent, Kabutar, but a law as serious as this must be enforced. I am sorry, sir, but I am required to sentence you to death.”

    Kabutar’s eyes widened, but he did not say anything to fight back. It would be pointless to negotiate, as he would lose no matter how powerful his defense was. Kabutar simply sighed.

    “Your execution will take place tomorrow, first thing in the morning,” the judge said. “And may Arceus have mercy on your soul.”

    Chief Blaziken lifted Kabutar up by his arm, and escorted him outside.

    “You have one night to sleep on this, Kabutar,” the chief told Kabutar. “I do wish you the best of luck.”

    Kabutar nodded, but said nothing. He walked to his house in the small cave next to the waterfall. He lied down to rest, for this would be his last night. But little did he know, his last night would turn into his first day on the biggest adventure he would ever endure.
     
    Last edited: Apr 14, 2009
  2. Kabutopzilla

    Kabutopzilla En Prócsem

    Chapter Two: Aftermath

    Kabutar woke. It was still dark in the sky, but a small crack of light shone through and beamed onto his eyes. He slowly helped himself stand up in an exhausted manner. The crack of dawn signaled the time he would be set up for execution. The whole thing happened so fast, he could hardly remember it. But he accepted the punishment for having a Rebel mark on his person, but he definitely didn’t want to if he could help it. The only way to get that mark off of him was to die, and on top of that, Kabutar knew he had little to lose.

    But strange things occurred to Kabutar that morning. For one, he smelled something burning, and could see smoke swiveling across the sky slowly but heavily. By the size of the smoke cloud and the distinct absence of the scent of food being cooked, Kabutar knew that this wasn’t just some cookout. Quickly, he ran out of his cave and jumped into the lake next to it. After sinking down a bit into the water, Kabutar swam up and took a glance at his hometown.

    It was just as he feared. Tyurma Falls was destroyed. A great majority of the buildings were burnt to the ground, and letting off smoke. A few police officers that protect the law all throughout every corner of Erukita were talking to one another about whom or what may have caused this. Kabutar sneaked around their sight through swimming around the shore. As soon as he crawled onto the beach, he threw sand up and covered himself in it as a camouflage technique. Kabutar quickly worked his way around until he was under a rocky arch. When he was assured that he was out of the police’s sight, he stood up and brushed the sand off. He suddenly heard a voice.

    “Psst, hey you. Kabutops!” the voice called. Kabutar turned to see a Porygon-Z. “I saw what happened last night. I know you’re innocent! But the cops will not show any mercy. I know a way out of here so you can run away!”

    “Where?” Kabutar asked eagerly.

    “Through this here cave,” the Porygon-Z said, pointing its beak-like structure at a cave entrance. “You’d better hurry. No survivors were found, and the cops don’t know who did this. It would look pretty bad if they saw a Rebel trotting across that land right now, don’t you think?”

    Kabutar nodded. He walked down into the cave that the Porygon-Z pointed out. As soon as he stepped into the cave, he fell down a large cliff. Kabutar hit the ground with a painful-sounding thud. After a short pause of acknowledging pain, Kabutar lifted his head up to look at the cave in front of him. Fortunately, the luminescence within the cave wasn’t too bad. Kabutar stood up, and started walking on.

    Tyurma Cavern

    Kabutar luckily remembered that he brought his bag along with him. It had some food and such, but also spelunking supplies and other things for other activities. He had all of that because some of it may have come in handy on the force, and that spelunking was a hobby of his. Shortly after, Kabutar came across a wide chasm. He looked down the giant hole and was thrown back by a swarm of Zubats that seem to have been disturbed. When the swarm left, Kabutar examined the distance from where he was standing to the other side of the chasm. He estimated if his self-made, albeit crudely-made, grappling hook could throw him across. Kabutar carefully hooked his claw on the handle and shot to the ceiling diagonally from where he was. With a loud clank!, the hook latched onto the ceiling. Kabutar tugged on the rope of the grappling hook to see if the grip was firm, and he jumped off the edge while holding onto the handle. Kabutar screamed as though he was on a roller coaster, and safely landed on the other side. Kabutar then pressed a button that released the hook and made the rope retract. Kabutar continued on into the dark, dank passages of the Tyurma Cavern. He looked around corners to see members of the Clefairy family hiding in corners, shaking, as if they were afraid of something. Kabutar wondered if it was him; after all, he was a stranger. But he learned that it wasn’t him when he heard a tiny Cleffa whisper.

    “Help us…please, help us…the Scary Green One will kill us all…”

    Kabutar was puzzled. So the little pink puffballs were afraid of some green monster. Well, it was reassuring to Kabutar to know he wasn’t what they were afraid of. Kabutar’s walking stopped when a Clefable mother halted him.

    “Please, don’t go. We don’t want a warrior like you to die horribly!” the Clefable sobbed.

    “What? Warrior?” Kabutar asked. “I am no warrior.”

    “But you look like one,” the mother replied. “And you are on the wall with the K Unown.”

    “What wall?” Kabutar asked. “Don’t tell me I’m in some sort of prophecy or something.”

    “The wall that we are keeping you from,” the Clefable said. “The Scary Green One will kill you.”

    “Well, if I’m the ‘warrior’, then you shouldn’t worry about me,” Kabutar said, with a hint of aggravation in his voice. “Look, lady. All I’m here for is to pass through. Nothing else. I’m trying to flee the authorities before I get framed for something I didn’t do.”

    “Well, if that’s the case…” the Clefable mumbled. “Go on ahead. But don’t say I didn’t warn you.”

    Kabutar stepped past the Clefable and walked up a long staircase. When he looked up, he knew this would be a long way before he manages to get to the top.

    After about ten minutes of climbing stairs, Kabutar reached the top and walked into a small, dome-shaped room with paintings on the wall. Subtly, Kabutar checked the wall, and saw a silhouette figure with scythes, similar to him. But he didn’t believe it. Kabutar looked up and saw the stars in the sky, slowly fading away as he stood there. Morning was coming. He figured he could get out that way, but all of a sudden, he felt himself get cut by a razor leaf. After recoiling from the damage, Kabutar looked around, and saw a Grovyle.

    “Well hello there,” the Grovyle said. “Express assassination coming up.”

    The Grovyle dashed at Kabutar with a Leaf Blade attack ready to be used. Kabutar quickly counteracted with a chop of his scythe. Luckily for Kabutar, that shaved the leaves off of the Grovyle’s forearm. But it still had another.

    “Why the hell are you attacking me?” Kabutar asked.

    “Orders from Reg,” the Grovyle responded. “He wants me to kill you before you become a nuisance.”

    “How did you know I’d be here?” Kabutar wondered.

    “Think about who directed you to this cave,” the Grovyle cackled.

    “That Porygon-Z set me up!” Kabutar yelled.

    “That’s right,” the Grovyle said. “And now, let me do my job, m’kay?”

    “Hell no,” Kabutar retorted. “I’ll do everything in my effort to get you fired for good!”

    The Grovyle sighed. “Very well,” it said. The Grovyle shot bullet seeds at Kabutar, who responded with an Aerial Ace attack right on the Grovyle’s belly. Kabutar flew back in pain, as the Grovyle fell to its knees with a bleeding stomach. “Just a capillary.”

    “That’s too bad,” Kabutar retorted, and performed Mud Shot at the Grovyle, covering its face in mud. The Grovyle struggled to wipe the mud off of its face as it said something.

    “Lucky ba[FONT=”Verdana”]st[/FONT]ard…” the Grovyle mumbled. “This whole fight for you was just luck.”

    “And if it keeps me alive, is luck a bad thing?” Kabutar asked tauntingly. Kabutar performed Ancientpower and kicked the giant boulder towards the Grovyle. The boulder bashed the Grovyle in the head, in which a cracking noise could be heard. The Grovyle fell backwards with the boulder on its head, and it did not even twitch after that. Kabutar scraped his scythes together, in a similar manner to how creatures with hands would have done it after they had done some form of dirty work. Kabutar climbed the boulder that crushed the Grovyle’s head, and climbed out the top. Kabutar was surprised at how far he had traveled underground. He was out in the grassy Erukita Field, nearby the city of Grenesk. Suddenly, he heard a voice call for his name.

    “Kabutar! It’s me, Wolf!” the voice called. Kabutar turned to look at Wolf, and a feeling of relief jolted through Kabutar. Wolf ran up to Kabutar.

    “Holy crap,” Wolf said. “I thought you hadn’t survived!”

    “I thought the same about you,” Kabutar replied. “Are there others?”

    “Not that I know of, unfortunately…” Wolf said. “All I know is that the judge, the chief, and Pol are all dead…”

    “Who the hell did this?” Kabutar wondered.

    “I don’t know,” Wolf said. “But we have to find out.”

    Wolf noticed the mark on Kabutar’s chest, and gasped.

    “How the hell did that get there?” Wolf growled.

    “It’s a long story, but believe me, it was not my fault,” Kabutar replied sincerely. Wolf softened up.

    “Well, I trust you…” he told Kabutar. “But I don’t have time to hear a story. Duty calls me to Grenesk and its forest. There must be some sort of commotion that seems unnatural to the locals.”

    Kabutar gasped. “Grenesk? You can’t go there! The Grass-types there kill anyone who isn’t a Grass-type!”

    “But there may be a survivor there who needs our help,” Wolf reassured. “Besides, I’m a Fire-type. What could go wrong?”

    “Not much,” Kabutar dismally spoke. “May I come with you?”

    “Are you insane?” Wolf laughed. “Grass-types will maul you!”

    “I want to kill Doc. I don’t know if he’s there, but this unnatural commotion may be caused by him,” Kabutar said. “Doc tattooed me, Wolf, and ended up getting me sentenced to death today. Lucky and unlucky for me, the sudden overnight raid of our hometown postponed that sentence…for now.”

    “It may also be Reg and his disciples,” Wolf suggested. “They’re even harder to spot, especially since they don’t have a logo for their organization to label themselves with.”

    Kabutar looked down the hole he had just climbed out of at the Grovyle’s carcass.

    “Truthfully, Doc or Reg, I want both of them dead. I’m coming with you.”
     
  3. Yami Ryu

    Yami Ryu Well-Known Member

    Which is hypocritcal seeing how Anorith is a Pokemon [and ironically is based offa the creatures that eat Trilobites yet is being ate by something that evolves from a horse-shoe crab[/i].

    And how exactly did it get picked up anyways?

    At any point, moving on.

    To be brutally honest, I can't even force myself to read much father, this is reading less and less like a Pokemon fic/MD fic, and more like some bad Soylent Green-esque story, with the pokemon feeling more and more like people, and less like pokemon. Even in most MD fics, I'm able to remember, it's a pokemon. And not some hardboiled cop or something with a grudge against another doctor.

    And how exactly is, a Kabutops, able to get tattooed? And why would anyone do that? And just .. blah.

    To be honest this would have more potential as a Non pokemon fanfic of fantasy/Sci-fi more than a pokemon story.

    And no I am not reviewing because you sent a request :/

    Anyways.

    So Grovyle did nothing in an attempt to avoid a kicked rock? And how is kicking a rock, Ancient Power. It's a special attack according to the games now, which suggests that one doesn't go about mass punting rocks at opponents. How is that poor description, any different than using like Rock Smash or Strength.

    Overall, rushed, flat and poorly described when description is needed, yet when it's not it seems to flurish a bit more- I suggest taking your time and putting more thought into the actions, reactions and etc of the characters, description and story :/

    ...

    .... Seriously work on description, dialogue and not over powering your characters by making them have super effective attacks, that strangely should not be possible, game mechanics or not especially inside a limited space such as a cave, or somehow avoid responding to damage altogether. What, did the seeds go through him? Bounce off his shell? Miss entirely?

    Just. Ug.
     
  4. Kabutopzilla

    Kabutopzilla En Prócsem

    All of your advice/quibbles/nitpickings are valid, except:

    Doctor? Who said Doc is a doctor? That's a nickname. It sometimes can mean "boss" or "big boss", the latter which, as you probably know, is Honchkrow's official PokeDex classification.

    How is a Pokemon fic supposed to feel? Is being different from all the other fics that follow similar if not the exact same plots as the anime/shorts/other fics (trainer going on a journey to become a Pokemon master; trainer falling into some legendary Pokemon's prophecy; new exploration team forms in a corny manner and goes off to defeat bad guys [not much more plot than that]; you get the idea) absolutely a bad thing?

    If you aren't able to understand as of yet on why Doc tattooed Kabutar, then you will later, as things will be explained more thoroughly then.

    Yeah, aside from that, you pretty much owned me. >.< I'll try harder on the areas that need improvement.
     
  5. Yami Ryu

    Yami Ryu Well-Known Member

    I meant visually; when you said Bar and Arcanine and Picked it up I had a hard time visualising a Kabutops pick something up, as it lacks hands, an equally hard time visualising an Arcanine and Kabutops sitting in a Bar, and in the end it made me think not even of anthros, but of people cosplaying as pokemon.

    With how you're having them interact with the world around them, that makes them feel less like pokemon and more like humans, playing pokemon. Understand it now?
     
  6. Azurne

    Azurne ~ ♥ ~

    Chapter 1

    Who’s problem? I’m confused already, because at frist you said they were safe, but now suddenly they’re/someone else is at war?

    Okay, that answered my question, but truthfully I think it should have been addressed in the first sentence.

    This is bare-bones description here, and I think you should add more to it. I didn’t even realize that Kabutar stepped into a bar, simply because you blew right past it. Setting is crucial to any fic.

    I understand that this last sentence is about Kabutar, but it still sort of sounds like it’s talking about Wolf.

    Seeing as we already know Wolf is an officer, I think just “how’s work going for you” suffices nicely. Officer just seems like useless excess.
    I am unsure if your dialog is punctually correct. I think the proper grammar is this:

    “Nothing again,” Wolf complained, “you know, I might just join you in quitting this old, boring job.”

    “It’d do you some good,” Kabutar said, “by now, you and I are set for life. Down here in Tyurma Falls, inflation doesn’t exist.”

    Minor difference, but I think it looks cleaner.

    Uh, what exactly is Kabutar? A Kabutops, or a crobat? Besides, didn’t they have to kill that Anorith anyway so he could eat it? What’s the difference?
    Kabutar, Kabutar, Kabutar. You are allowed to use the word “he”, you know. ;D But that is way too many times to be using his name.

    Whoa whoa wait a minute, there has to be build-up for someone to start crying and sobbing on their knees. We, as the reader, got nothing. It’s almost actually funny to see him just randomly starting crying like that with no reason, whatsoever.

    Way to shoot himself in the foot. I’m surprised you didn’t address that.

    This seems like a retarded thing to say, coming from a mastermind. Or a cryptic figure.
    What the bloody hell? What ‘certain conditions’ must be met? He hasn’t done anything wrong at all, and is only guilty of having the damned tattoo. What ‘certain condition’ would exempt someone from that? I’m sorry, but this is stupid. This screams “the author needs this to be dramatic and suspenseful and this is seems like a legit excuse to do so’. In extreme cases where a law results in automatic death, I think there would be at least an investigation, especially in cases where the person on trial is possibly innocent. Kabutar has done nothing wrong, just has the mark, and everyone on the force knows who he is. Not to mention he Just saw Wolf at the bar, with no tattoo. This is just… too farfetched.

    Chapter 2



    Couple things here:

    One, the suspense of having the whole town on fire here is pretty flat. You’ve got no description at all hardly, so I barely get a suspenseful image. If you really wanted, you could have had people running around screaming out of their homes, windows busting from the flames, and fire eating away at the siding of all the houses. All I get from your description though is …. Smoke, and a smell.

    Second, is he at home? I’d think they’d have him thrown into jail, behind bars or something so he can’t escape overnight. But he just… went home? What?

    …. So, random Porygon Z decides to help because…? And if he saw, why didn’t he say anything? Was he scared? Was he deliberately avoiding the trial? This is perfect character opportunity here. Especially if you’re planning to keep Porygon in the story.


    For being a former police officer, Kabutar is pretty dense. That was easy to see through. You couldn’t of at least given Kabutar some sense and be wary of Porygon Z before he went charging blindly through the cave?


    … Racist Pokemon much…?




    Overall, I think you could use some definite work. Kabutar could go either-way character-wise: either extremely predictable or fairly interesting. His friends definitely need fleshed out though. Description, you need to push yourself, as it is the lifeblood of a story. Good overall though. :)


    Good luck in the future~


    Azurne / . IC Ghost .


    *cartwheels away*
     
  7. Kabutopzilla

    Kabutopzilla En Prócsem

    Thanks for the feedback everyone.

    I believe this chapter will be more interesting than the last two. I feel that I put more effort into the description and dialogue, but that's just me.

    And some of you don't seem to have a grasp on the plot and can't work out the plot holes. That's my fault. I will edit my first post with a prologue that will give you general info about the plot, such as the war and what not.

    Enjoy.

    Chapter Three: The Forest Town

    “You can get charged for murder and for butting in on a war that isn’t your problem, you know,” Wolf told Kabutar.

    “I understand completely. But at the same time, I understand that the cops are trying hard to put an end to this war, almost as if the war itself is illegal. Once it may have not been my problem, but now, Doc and Reg have crossed a line. I can’t let Doc just get away with putting me in the authorities’ sights, and I can’t let Reg kill me with desperate followers,” Kabutar replied.

    “I can…kind of get what you’re saying,” Wolf said. “But like I said, there is little time to waste. If you are coming, hop on my back and hold on tight. I will get us there quickly.”

    Kabutar hopped onto Wolf’s back and tried to hold on without cutting deep into him. And, without much warning, Wolf sped off in the direction of the forest.

    --

    Doc, Toxica, and Tort sat in a small patch of tall bushes in the Grenesk Forest.

    “So, how is Kabutar?” Doc asked. “Any news?”

    “A trickle,” Tort said back. “Apparently Reg sent a Grovyle out to assassinate Kabutar, but I think that’s just a rumor among our watchmen.”

    Doc clenched a fist-like shape with his wing, and pounded the ground.

    “If Reg is responsible for the death of our little victim, I will have his head!” Doc threatened. “As soon as I get the chance…”

    “What’s so important about this stupid Kabutops anyway?” Toxica asked.

    “Kabutar may be the key factor in our plan’s success, if the Clefairies are correct,” Doc said.

    “What do the Clefairies think he can do?” Tort wondered.

    “They believe he can open the gate,” Doc responded.

    “What gate?”

    “That’s classified,” Doc interrupted. “Soldiers your rank need not know such information.”

    Toxica huffed.

    “So what, Garchy the Garchomp knows even though he sits on his a[FONT=”Verdana”]s[/FONT]s doing nothing all day?” she asked.

    “Garchy is our side’s genius, Toxica,” Doc scolded Toxica. “For you to talk like that about him just may ensure your death caused from friendly fire.”

    Toxica gulped. Doc suddenly heard a rustle in the leaves nearby.

    “Shh, we have ourselves a little eavesdropper,” Doc said.

    “Get out here so I can beat all of you down!” a voice called from the leaves. Doc poked his head around the bushes and saw a Venusaur with eyes that had veins popping out, showing that it was angry. “I can smell you! Get out here!”

    Doc sat back down. “Oh, how wonderful. A racist Grass-type. Could this get any better?”

    “All Grass-types that were raised in Grenesk discriminate based on type, Doc,” Tort said.

    “I know, Tort. Thank you for your unnecessary cultural lesson,” Doc barked, very annoyed. He took a quick look at the Venusaur, and then looked back. “No worries. I will take care of this.”

    Doc used Shadow Ball to draw the Venusaur’s attention away, and it worked like a charm. The Venusaur jumped after the sphere of dark energy and started to whip it down. Doc flew up, and over to the Venusaur’s location. Doc swooped down and used his nastily sharp talons to grab the Venusaur’s head. Then, very carefully, Doc swiped at the Venusaur’s eyes, one at a time, while holding the head still. The Venusaur cried in pain. Doc flew back and sat down with Toxica and Tort.

    “What the hell did you do?” Toxica demanded.

    “I took care of it. Specifically, I blinded it,” Doc said. The three of them heard the Venusaur whining in sharp pain. “Get over it, wuss.”

    “So what now?” Tort asked Doc.

    “Well…”

    --

    Kabutar and Wolf stepped into the forest. They continued to walk, and a few trees later, they saw the bustling town of Grenesk.

    “It is…a lot larger than I imagined,” Wolf said.

    “We’ll have to keep a low profile. Greneskhans can be very violent,” Kabutar whispered.

    “Right,” Wolf whispered back. The two of them snuck around a small patch of trees with extreme caution. They turned around the corner to see a large group of Grass-types, simply staring at them. The Pokemon in front was a Sceptile that could not look grumpier if it was even possible. “Crap.”

    “Damn right ‘crap’,” the Sceptile said with an aged voice. “You low-lives must understand our culture…and beware of it.”

    “What are you going to do now, huh? I can burn all of you down with little effort,” Wolf threatened, his eyes narrowing.

    “To you? Nothing. But I can’t say the same about your pathetic friend there,” the Sceptile replied, pointing at Kabutar, who began to take a few steps back. “New kid, I want you to wrestle that Kabutops to the death. And you, Arcanine. I will make a deal with you. If your friend kills Tangas here, we will let you pass through with no trouble. But if Tangas kills the bipedal shellfish, then you must accept the punishment of trespassing and be sentenced to a slow and painful execution. And if you don’t accept this offer, both of you will receive the losing punishment. Understood?”

    Wolf wished he could say no, but the only chance they had was to accept. Wolf turned to Kabutar, whom he saw nodding in agreement. Wolf turned back to the Sceptile and nodded in agreement.

    “I accept. But you must accept defeat if we win,” Wolf told the Sceptile.

    “We had no intentions of failing to uphold our limited promises,” Sceptile replied. “Now, let this wrestling match begin, out on the field here, in between all of the houses.”

    “Fair enough,” Kabutar said. “Now who is Tangas?”

    Sceptile did not reply verbally, but rather, he snapped his fingers. Within two seconds, a large Tangrowth fell to the ground in front of Kabutar. It then taunted Kabutar with a sumo wrestling gesture; Tangas put both arm-like appendages around what seemed to be its hips, and lifted one leg up at a time, with subsequently stomping the foot and switching to the other.

    “Tangas is the new kid in town,” Sceptile said, as if he just now chose to verbalize his answer to Kabutar’s question. “But he packs one hell of a punch.”

    “F___ me,” Kabutar swore. “I’m wrestling a bundle of thick vines.”

    “Shut it,” Tangas yelled. “I’m gonna beat your a[FONT=”Verdana”]s[/FONT]s dooown.”

    Tangas began the fight by grabbing Kabutar around the neck. Following that, he flung Kabutar down at great force. Kabutar was planted in the soil, so when he picked himself back up, his whole front side was covered in dirt. Kabutar ignored getting his hands dirty. He just replied to the attack with a quick but painful X-Scissor attack. The attack delivered by Kabutar was softened by Tangas blocking it. This still cost Tangas a large amount of his vines, however. Kabutar tried to be quick by dashing under the larger-than-normal Tangrowth and cutting its vines from under it, but Tangas counteracted by repeating his initial attack. Once again, Kabutar got up, this time his back all covered in dirt. Tangas laughed in his deep laugh.

    “You are a very easy foe to break,” he said. “Now I will break your exoskeleton as though it were a Caterpie.”

    “Not if I can help it,” Kabutar mumbled under his breath. He dashed at Tangas one more time, but Tangas lifted the exhausted Kabutar up and held him next to his silhouetted face.

    “Just play along, you silly Kabutops,” Tangas whispered. “I will get you out of this mess.”

    Confused, Kabutar bit Tangas on the arm, in which Tangas let out a shriek. Tangas threw Kabutar down to the ground, this time with less force. Tangas leaned down and whispered to Kabutar.

    “After this attack, pretend to be dead,” he said quietly. Kabutar lightly nodded. Tangas jumped high into the air, and performed a crushing blow, heading straight for Kabutar. Kabutar cringed, but he was relieved when he felt the claw of Tangas hit just barely next to his brittle body. A cloud of dust shot into the air, and Wolf ran out into the field.

    “Get back here!” Sceptile called to Wolf. “You are not allowed to run out into the field!”

    The cloud of dust faded away, and Tangas could be seen holding Kabutar, as though Kabutar was dead. Wolf started to have tears in his eyes, until Kabutar let out a tiny wink at him. Wolf felt relief, and stopped crying.

    “It’s okay, Sir Scep,” Tangas told the Sceptile. “I need to punish this Arcanine anyway.”

    “Ah,” Sir Scep replied. “It seems we won this deal? No surprise, really.”

    Wolf began to fake-cry. Tangas pushed Wolf along.

    “Okay, Mr. Fiery Wolf,” Tangas said to Wolf. “On the count of three…”

    Wolf turned his head around to look at Sir Scep and his group of gangbangers with puppy dog eyes.

    “One,” Tangas whispered. The three of them saw a Meganium look through the window of a home, and it had narrowed eyes.

    “Serves you right for trespassing!” the Meganium called.

    “Two,” Tangas whispered. The three of them were being surrounded by Paras’s and a Parasect, of which spat at them.

    “And…three!” Tangas yelled, and ran off with Kabutar. “Come on, Mr. Fiery Wolf!”

    Wolf ran at a high speed to catch up, but slowed down when he did so he would stay with them. The three of them ran off into the forest of Grenesk, and, as expected, Sir Scep and his gang began to chase the three of them.

    The three of them stopped around the corner at a large tree for rest. Tangas was panting, Kabutar looked like a zombie who just rose from his grave, and Wolf showed no sign of exhaustion.

    “Why did you help us, Tangas?” Wolf asked.

    “Why wouldn’t I? You are a great cop,” Tangas replied, having a cheerful complexion.

    “How did you know I was an officer?” Wolf asked, having rising suspicions about Tangas.

    “Well, Sir Scep said I was the new kid in town, right?” Tangas said. Wolf nodded. “Well, I moved here this morning and impressed Sir Scep very quickly. Now, as to why I moved, let’s just say my house isn’t there anymore.”

    Both Wolf and Kabutar’s eyes widened.

    “You’re from Tyurma Falls?” Kabutar wondered.

    “Yes sir. Damn, you guys are really good,” Tangas replied. “I recognized both of you immediately as two cops from good old Tyurma. That’s why I saved all of you. I’m not racist like Sir Scep and his gang, or the rest of Grenesk.”

    “Well it’s good to have found you,” Wolf said, smiling.

    “Real quick,” Kabutar said. “Did you see who was responsible of the raid?”

    “Kind of, not really,” Tangas responded. “It’s a little fuzzy to me, because I was half asleep. But I do remember this. It was enormous, and string-shaped.”

    Kabutar was surprised.

    “It couldn’t be the mayor of the Sky City, could it?” he asked Wolf.

    “No, why would Rayquaza bust a city apart for no reason?” Wolf replied.

    “Possibly, he works for Reg or Doc?” Tangas suggested.

    “Maybe Reg,” Kabutar said. “But I know Doc doesn’t have any legendary assistance.”

    “Well, either way,” Wolf said. “Sir Scep and his gang are hunting us.”

    “Damn it,” Kabutar swore. “Let’s get out of here.”

    “You are in no shape to run on your own, silly Kabutops,” Tangas said. “I will-“

    “No, I will carry him. I have a broader back better fit for a passenger. Thank you for your offer, though,” Wolf told Tangas. Tangas shrugged, and picked Kabutar up. He then placed Kabutar on Wolf’s back. “Now, let’s go.”

    To get a tight grip, Kabutar used his scythes to twist a bit of Wolf’s fur around each scythe, much like wrapping spaghetti around a fork to get a good bit of it at once. Wolf took off somewhat slowly so Tangas could keep up. And so, they were off to the deeper woods.

    “We should probably find Celebi,” Tangas suggested. “She may be able to help us with our current predicament.”

    “Isn’t she the mayor of Grenesk?” Kabutar asked. “Thus, wouldn’t she want to kill us?”

    “She is the mayor,” Tangas agreed. “But she always has been against the racist culture of the Greneskhans.”

    “I hope you’re right,” Wolf said. “I don’t want to be responsible for the death of a legendary.”

    --

    Salan the Salamence stepped into Reg’s colosseum. Regir the Regirock approached Salan.

    “You know not to speak to our father, but rather, let him speak. For he is the truly wise one, and not even his direct children will share all of his wisdom,” Regir told Salan.

    “I understand, Lord Regir,” Salan replied. “But with all due respect, I understand the regulations.”

    “Very well,” Regir replied. “Now, listen to your briefing carefully, for father shall only speak it once.”

    “Understood,” Salan replied. Regir lifted a stairwell made of stone that which Salan walked up slowly. Salan soon reached the top, and upon laying eyes on the colossal god named Reg, Salan bowed.

    “You are a very good soldier, Salan,” Reg spoke with a very deep, booming voice. “You helped us wipe a large number of the devil Honchkrow’s forces…”

    Salan simply stared, no matter how much he wanted to reply.

    “But a new Rebel has arisen…and he is the one we are looking for, Salan. We need him so we may create our guardian…Kabutar, Salan. You must find Kabutar. Once I wished for him to die, until I received information that he could build…the true key to our victory. I have yet to understand what makes him different from the other Kabutops, but as of now, that does not matter. As to where to find him, your best bet is Grenesk. Good luck, Salan. And failure is not an option.”

    Salan flew down the stairwell and out the colosseum, off to the mainland of Erukita.

    “Chances are, he won’t survive,” Reg said.
     
    Last edited: Apr 7, 2009
  8. Kabutopzilla

    Kabutopzilla En Prócsem

    I personally believe that this chapter will be far more interesting than the first two at least.

    Enjoy, and please give feedback so this thread doesn't fall to the second page like it almost did just today.

    Chapter Four: The Land of the Bugs

    Kabutar, Tangas, and Wolf stopped at a small pond for a quick drink. Wolf leaned over to take a sip, which made Kabutar roll off of his back into the pond. Kabutar then woke up.

    “Crap, how long have I been out?” he asked.

    “We’ve been running for hours,” Tangas said. “You fell asleep after about ten minutes. I must have really knocked you good.”

    Kabutar laughed along with Tangas on that remark. Wolf stopped taking a drink.

    “Arceus, I needed that,” he said, panting. “Do you think Sir Scep and his gang is closing in on us as we speak?”

    “Nah,” Tangas assured. “This forest is large. It takes up more than twenty-five percent of Erukita, last time I studied.”

    “But you haven’t considered how sly we can be,” an aged voice said. Kabutar stood up, re-energized from his rest. Wolf became alert and ready to unleash a hearty Fire Blast onto the being. Tangas stood in a manner that would make you think “Kung-fu Tangrowth” as soon as you saw him. “Tangas, you traitor. We don’t like traitors. In fact, we dismember them. Come quietly, and this will be nice and easy. As for the rest of you…I’ll ensure a slow and painful death.”

    Sir Scep stepped around the large tree nearby and stared at the trio with a sinister grimace on his face. His gang consisting of Tropius and Jumpluff followed suit.

    “As you can see, my friends here are like me,” said Sir Scep, taking a brief glance at his gang while pointing at them. “They dislike failure to uphold promises.”

    “Look, Sir Scep,” Wolf said, with an angry look on his face. “Leave us alone. We mean you no harm. But if you keep pulling this crap, I’m going to have to arrest you.”

    “You have no right,” Sir Scep barked. “See, I made a deal with my gang. If I keep my promise that the three of you will die by our hands, then everything goes back to normal. If I fail, then my gang has every right to kill me on the spot. Want to know the difference between you three low-lives and me? I keep my promises, and accept punishment for failing to.”

    “You really need to work on your morals a bit,” Kabutar told Sir Scep.

    “I can say the same for you,” Sir Scep replied in a serious tone. He turned to face his gang. “Bana! Pluffy! Rid of these buffoons!”

    The Tropius roared, and charged at Wolf. The Jumpluff hopped towards Tangas. Sir Scep subsequently walked up to Kabutar and took on a fighting pose. Wolf growled at Bana, as Tangas whacked Pluffy on the head. Sir Scep took a fighting slash at Kabutar, who returned the blow quickly with Aerial Ace. One quick movement with one of his scythes scarred Sir Scep on the neck, but Sir Scep avoided having his jugular artery severed by stepping back a bit. Sir Scep quickly used Leaf Blade on Kabutar, and landed a direct hit. Kabutar fell over and lied down, motionless on the edge of the pond.

    The fight was interrupted by a ferocious roar. The six conflicting Pokemon looked up at the sky, where they seemed to have heard the roar. Suddenly, large red wings carrying a pudgy blue body flew down. The creature flew by Bana and snapped the poor Tropius’s neck. Bana fell to the ground, dead. After performing this gesture, the creature flew back up, and circled in the sky.

    “Pluffy! Take evasive action,” Sir Scep commanded. “I will handle the damn Salamence.”

    Pluffy nodded in agreement to Sir Scep’s orders, but was crushed by a giant boulder. Sir Scep looked up, and saw the Salamence with a boulder. The Salamence flew above Sir Scep and dropped the boulder with its stubby legs, but Sir Scep avoided impact with a swift movement. The Salamence flew off, and Sir Scep scanned the sky for any movement. When none was to be found, he swiftly moved back over to Kabutar.

    “Now I will finish you,” Sir Scep told the motionless Kabutar. “Hold still!”

    “Don’t you touch him!” Wolf growled. Sir Scep ignored the threat, and raised a claw to pound Kabutar to death. Kabutar woke, and shrieked. But Sir Scep started to cry out as soon as his body was set aflame. Despite the fact that a pond was right behind him, Sir Scep blindly ran off in the other direction and fell over within seconds. Kabutar, by instinct, immediately looked at Wolf. “I didn’t do it.”

    “Then who did?” Kabutar wondered. Unexpectedly, the Salamence dropped from above and landed in front of Kabutar.

    “Are you Kabutar?” the Salamence asked.

    “…Yeah?” Kabutar responded.

    “I am Salan. I have come to retrieve you and return you to where you belong,” the Salamence told Kabutar.

    “And where do you think I belong, exactly?” Kabutar asked.

    “On Isol Island, under the authority of father Reg,” Salan said. At the sound of that name, Kabutar grew angry.

    “No,” Kabutar spat. “I want nothing to do with this war.”

    “Then explain that mark on your chest,” Salan demanded.

    “Doc,” Kabutar responded.

    “I should have known,” Salan interrupted. “Reg will not be pleased to hear this.”

    Salan took off before Wolf, Kabutar, or Tangas could say anything.

    “Well that was…odd,” Wolf muttered.

    “I wonder how that may affect us,” Tangas said. “What with that creep potentially stalking us all the time, feeding Reg with information.”

    Suddenly, a tiny Kricketot emerged from the large tree nearby.

    “Are they gone?” the young Pokemon asked. The trio turned to face the Kricketot. “Is the Agrassinator Gang gone?”

    “Agrassinator Gang?” Kabutar asked. “Who’s that?”

    “The gang with the creepy Jumpluff, the scary Tropius, and the mean Sceptile,” the Kricketot replied. Kabutar responded by moving to one side, so the Kricketot could see the dead carrion that lied on the ground. The Kricketot reacted by shrieking.

    “We didn’t do this,” Wolf told the Kricketot. “The Salamence did.”

    The Kricketot ended its frightened state and calmed down, buying the truth.

    “I don’t care who did it,” the little one cried. “I just want all those Grass-types dead!”

    “Whoa Nelly,” Tangas chuckled. “I’m not all that bad, now am I?”

    The Kricketot shrieked again, and hid behind the tree.

    “Go away, you horrible, horrible monster!” it called out.

    “Honey, what are you crying about?” a voice asked. Shortly after, a Kricketune stepped in, and almost immediately noticed Tangas. The Kricketune stomped towards Tangas, infuriated.

    “You as[FONT=”Verdana”]sh[/FONT]ole,” she said. “Why do you have to go around scaring little children like that, huh? Not every Pokemon is a Grass-type, you know! So get over it!”

    “Lady, I-“ Tangas was cut off.

    “No excuses,” the Kricketune mumbled.

    “Ma’am, he’s with us. Tangas means no harm. He wasn’t raised in Grenesk,” Kabutar told the Kricketune. The mother turned to Kabutar.

    “Where did he come from then? Halo Island? Where’s his mark?” the Kricketune demanded, staring at Kabutar’s mark. Kabutar sighed.

    “Ma’am, Tangas, Wolf, and I come from Tyurma Falls. This mark was tattooed onto my chest forcibly by the mastermind you may know as Doc,” Kabutar explained.

    “A likely story,” the Kricketune barked. “Show me some hard evidence!”

    “You can’t prove something like that, ma’am,” Wolf stepped in. “It boils down to whether or not you trust this Pokemon.”

    “Well, since I don’t know him, how can I trust him?” she wondered.

    “Because I trust him, ma’am, and I’m not marked,” Wolf replied.

    “So? How do I know Reg and Doc haven’t made a truce yet and decided to take over Erukita together, eh? You can’t prove to me that you’re not a disciple of that damned faker!” the Kricketune yelled. And without warning, she continued to speak. “Boys, kill these buffoons like the vermin they are!”

    The Kricketune played a small tune that drew a swarm of Beedrill into the fray. The Beedrill let out their buzzing cry, and took off after the trio.

    “F___, how many times has a Beedrill swarm been used?” Kabutar asked.

    “A lot,” Tangas replied simply.

    “Typically, I would burn these crapheads to the ground. But based on how many there are, I think we should run!” Wolf suggested. Kabutar hopped onto Wolf, and the trio took off in one direction. The Beedrill swarm buzzed around as they violently chased Tangas and Wolf. One of the Beedrill shot a Twinneedle attack at Tangas and got a direct hit. After Tangas let out a cry of sharp pain, Wolf turned his head around slightly and let out a breath of crackling fire, which burned the nearest tree. A large number of Beedrill that were moving too fast did not stop in time, and this fault cost them their lives. The swarm was now diminished to about one fourth of the original population. Wolf repeated the same attack, but the remaining Beedrill swerved their way around the tree. Wolf continued to burn trees with his fiery breath, but the Beedrill were too good at agility.

    “Stop burning trees or the entire forest may be at stake!” Kabutar yelled at Wolf.

    “Well, saw-ry! I have to find some way to get these bas[FONT=”Verdana”]ta[/FONT]rds off of our tail!” Wolf yelled back.

    “Wait! I have an idea!” Kabutar yelled. “Just keep running, and don’t stop!”

    “I hope your idea works!” Tangas cried out. Kabutar carefully rolled over on Wolf’s back while being thrown up and down as if he were riding a Tauros. With one scythe still having fur twisted around it, Kabutar used his other scythe to bring a large wall of rocks down. He had performed Rock Slide. The wall of sharp rocks hit each Beedrill, crushing it. As soon as the last Beedrill was crushed, Kabutar quickly yet carefully rolled back over and twisted some fur around his free scythe to get a tight grip.

    “Damn, that took more energy than you may think,” Kabutar told Wolf, exhausted. The trio stopped, and took a rest.

    Over in the distance, a Yanmega spied on Tangas, Wolf, and Kabutar. It had observed their recent feat against the Beedrill swarm.

    “This is a tough bunch,” the Yanmega whispered to a dark figure. “But upsetting the order is not a forgivable crime. Move in by tomorrow.”

    Kabutar and Wolf took a good night’s rest, as the sun retracted from the sky as the moon moved in for its turn to shine. The next morning, they would be in for a big surprise.

    The Next Morning

    Tangas woke, and saw blurs of figures swiping items from Kabutar’s bag.

    “Hey…hey you…” Tangas yawned. “Whaddya think you’re doing?”

    The Scyther stopped snagging the items, and turned to face Tangas.

    “You have trespassed upon our land, which in itself is not a crime, but then upset the natural order of the Insector,” the Scyther admitted. “I’m sorry, but your sentence shall be the absence of any form of nourishment.”

    A scythe rose from next to the Scyther, and chopped down. Kabutar stood up, and wiped the guts off of his scythe after cutting the Scyther’s arm off.

    “And that would be the punishment for theft by law of the regional police force of Erukita,” Kabutar told the Scyther, who was crying out in excruciating pain. “Your jurisdiction is not official, sir, and therefore, this situation shall be handled with regional jurisdiction.”

    “You are under arrest by law of the police force of Erukita,” Wolf growled, standing up. The Scyther dropped to his knees, and Kabutar flung his scythe into the Scyther’s exoskeletal skull. After removing the scythe, the Scyther fell over and did not twitch. Tangas seemed as though he had his jaw dropped.

    “You guys just totally owned that cra[FONT=”Verdana”]ckh[/FONT]ead,” Tangas said. After a short pause, Tangas let out a sharp cry. The Yanmega rose from behind him.

    “You just got stuck,” the Yanmega told Tangas.

    “Who the hell are you, and what the hell is with all of these Bug-types?” Kabutar demanded.

    “My name is, expectedly, Yanmy. And you three would be in the Insector, derived from ‘insect’ and ‘sector’, meaning, the section of the Greneskhan forest that is filled with Bug-types like me. We are much like the Grass-types in the rest of Grenesk, in the sense that we attack Pokemon for not much of a reason. But we attack everything,” the Yanmega gained a complexion that seemed as if it were grinning. “Even each other.”

    “What the hell?” Tangas said. “Now I’m guessing we’re way off track of finding Celebi.”

    “No, not really, actually,” Yanmy responded. “Celebi is not too far from this point. But we don’t allow trespassers to go any further from here.”

    “We need to talk to Celebi,” Kabutar said. “It may be vital to all of Erukita.”

    “Tauroscrap,” Yanmy barked. “What makes you so special from the rest of us? You’re just another bypasser, minding your own business, walking through here, not expecting to die from a swarm of hungry insects…well you’re in the Land of the Bugs now, sweety, and we stop at nothing to get a fresh meal. So if I were you, I’d just give in now and let us devour you whole.”

    “Screw you,” Kabutar retorted. “I’m not going to give in to a bunch of weak little chiggers.”

    Yanmy gasped. “My my, now, what a nasty little word for a shellfish to use,” he said. “You should be ashamed.”

    “You know what’s funny?” Kabutar asked. “I really don’t give a damn.”

    Kabutar swung a scythe at Yanmy, only to endure the disappointment of missing. Yanmy quickly moved out of the way at a ridiculous speed, and flew off.

    “I can tell we will meet again, you stupid shellfish,” Yanmy yelled as he flew off. “I can just feel it.”

    “What the hell was that?” Wolf asked Kabutar in a slightly angry tone.

    “I stand by a previous statement, Wolf,” Kabutar replied in a solid voice. “I’m not going to give in to a bunch of weak little chiggers.”

    “Fair enough on my count,” Tangas chuckled. “These little chiggers can whip my a[FONT=”Verdana”]s[/FONT]s down if they were given the chance.”

    Kabutar ignored any further comments, and continued. “Well, you heard that motherbugger,” he said. “Celebi is close. We have to find her.”

    Kabutar continued in one direction.

    “Kay, are you sure that’s the right way?” Wolf called. “I can sniff out for her, you know.”

    “Fine,” Kabutar replied. Wolf went about sniffing around for Celebi’s scent.

    “I think I got something,” Wolf called. But as soon as he made that remark, the ground underneath the trio collapsed. The three of them fell about forty feet until they hit the soft ground below. Kabutar was the first to get up, having a rock-hard exoskeleton. He saw a cave opening that had walls glowing with green luminescence.

    “Either this is an unoriginal insect trap,” Kabutar said. “Or we have just found our way to Celebi.”
     
  9. Kabutopzilla

    Kabutopzilla En Prócsem

    Please review, this thread is starting to sink to the bottom of the page at the end of every twenty-four hours I post a new chapter.

    Chapter Five: Rescue

    Doc, Toxica, and Tort were trudging through the thick forest, on the search for a certain creature.

    “I’m only walking because you two boneheads can’t fly,” Doc mumbled. The other two groaned at the remark, but said nothing for their own safety. “Tort, are you sure Celebi is located this way?”

    “Positive…somewhat,” Tort replied. Doc let out an angry roar.

    “That’s not good enough!” Doc barked at Tort.

    “You’re going the right way,” a voice called. Doc turned to face the source of the voice, and saw a Yanmega. “Welcome to the Insector, ladies and gentlemen. May I guide you to Celebi today?”

    Doc squinted, as if he was inspecting the Yanmega.

    “How can I trust you?” Doc asked, not convinced.

    “What’s not to trust?” Yanmega asked confidently.

    “I happen to know that the Bug-types of the Insector tend to be more harebrained than some other places,” Doc replied, still suspicious. “I just want you to know that I am a mastermind, and I will outsmart the likes of an insect, good sir.”

    “Very well,” the Yanmega said. “Allow me to introduce myself. I am Yanmy, and I shall be your guide for today.”

    Doc could tell that Yanmy was joking about the whole ‘tour guide’ charade. But he also could see a hint of sincerity and sinister intentions upon looking deep into Yanmy’s eyes.

    “Alright, I trust you,” Doc said. “Take me to Celebi.”

    --

    Wolf and Tangas stood, and their jaws dropped at the sight of the beautiful luminescence that glowed from every corner.

    “It’s…it’s amazing!” Tangas said. Kabutar started walking down the walkway in the cavern.

    “Wait, Kabutar,” Wolf said, having trouble keeping his attention away from the lights. “Maybe your first guess was correct.”

    “Maybe it was,” Kabutar shrugged. “But either way, we can handle a few bugs, can’t we?”

    Wolf and Tangas agreed, and the trio walked into the cave.

    Luminescent Sanctuary

    The first room of this dazzling dungeon was a small hallway that had a couple of different paths branching off to other rooms.

    “Splitting up may seem like a good idea at first, with a structure such as this,” Kabutar said. “But it’s probably better that we stick together. We have no idea what could lurk here.”

    “Agreed,” Wolf replied. The three of them continued on to the end of the hall.

    “If we take a look down every branching hall, we may be able to estimate where Celebi is, provided Celebi is here in the first place,” Kabutar suggested. “The legendary is always at the bottom of the dungeon.”

    “True dat,” Tangas said. Kabutar looked down one branching hallway.

    “This one looks pretty deep,” Kabutar said, pointing at it with his scythe. “Want to try it?”

    The others nodded in agreement, which made Kabutar start walking down the new hall. The other two followed behind closely. After a few steps, the glowing ground broke from underneath Wolf and Tangas. Kabutar had made it across safely with no such trouble. Wolf and Tangas yelled out in surprise as they fell to the next floor. Kabutar ran back and looked down. Wolf and Tangas were just then picking their selves up from a short fall.

    “Are you okay?” Kabutar asked.

    “We’re fine,” Wolf responded. “The ground is very thick, Kabutar, so we need to be careful.”

    “Guys,” Tangas said. “Maybe we should split up. Just to cover more ground, you know?”

    Kabutar and Wolf looked at Tangas.

    “But the Bug-types prove a threat against you, Tangas,” Kabutar reminded Tangas.

    “I’ll stick with Wolf,” Tangas suggested. “Look, we can meet up again. We should agree on a time frame and rendezvous, and then meet there at a certain time. Sound like a good idea?”

    Kabutar and Wolf looked at each other, and nodded.

    “Yeah, sounds pretty good,” Kabutar said. “Where and when?”

    “I’d say…dungeon entrance, after about, say, four hours?” Tangas suggested. “That should hopefully give us enough time to search for Celebi. If one of us doesn’t show up at the rendezvous at the specified time frame, then that group will wait for the other. After about a day of the other group not showing up, the group that showed up on time or showed up first will have to assume the worst and move on…”

    “Sounds fair…” Wolf hesitantly agreed. “We could also show up early if it’s absolutely necessary.”

    “True,” Kabutar said. “Well then, I suppose we’ll split up. I’ll see both of you at the rendezvous, hopefully.”

    Tangas waved goodbye, and Wolf executed a formal bow. Kabutar responded with a wave of a scythe. After that, they were split apart.

    Kabutar walked on down the hall, and found nothing. For about ten minutes, he found nothing; not even another branching hall or a separate passage of some sort. Ironically, Kabutar discovered a chute that went down as soon as he was thinking that thought. Without a second thought, Kabutar jumped down the chute, scythe first. He landed in a large room that was lined with tiny eggs. He walked over to one and carefully examined it. He could not tell what kind of species laid eggs like these, but he knew it was most definitely a Bug-type. Kabutar opened his bag by pushing the top part open with a scythe, then placing a scythe into a handle that was sewn into a book. With one scythe holding the book via the handle, Kabutar used his other scythe to carefully skim through his field guide. He skipped to the section where the field guide showed pictures of each basic Pokémon’s egg. He stopped at the page that displayed a sketch of a whitish-gray egg that seemed to be stuck to the wall with a strange sticky substance. It looked exactly like the eggs Kabutar was looking at. Kabutar looked at the species that gestates within this egg. The species appeared to be Spinarak. Kabutar was looking at Spinarak eggs. Kabutar stood up, and sighed.

    “I should have known I would run into more bugs,” Kabutar mumbled. He put the field guide back into his bag, and put his bag around his back. Kabutar sneaked on, and looked down a hole that seemed to go down for a long time before you’d have any luck on landing. But Kabutar jumped down the hole and hoped he would be lucky.

    --

    Tangas and Wolf, by far, had no luck. They saw a bit of helpless Wurmple here and there, but nothing too interesting.

    “We’re not going to find Celebi at this rate,” Wolf moaned.

    “Yeah, I hope Kabutar is having more luck than us,” Tangas replied. The two of them soon stumbled upon a Wurmple by accident, which caused the Wurmple to cry out. Wolf and Tangas tried to act quickly by attempting to calm the small worm down. But it wouldn’t stop crying. Soon, a group of Dustox flew in and glared at Wolf and Tangas.

    “Ladies, gentlemen,” Wolf said. “We didn’t mean to frighten your little one, but see, we were just passing through, and-“

    The group of Dustox hissed.

    “Are any of you even capable of speech?” Tangas asked. The Dustox simply hissed again. Tangas turned to Wolf and shrugged. “Hey, they grew up in a dungeon where speech isn’t necessary, right?”

    The Dustox hissed again, and all of them shot Stun Spore at Wolf and Tangas. With little room to dodge with, they were paralyzed on the spot. Tangas and Wolf fell over on their side, and found their selves getting dragged away by the group of speech-deprived insects.

    “Just our luck,” Wolf groaned.

    --

    Kabutar landed on a large web made of the sticky substance he found that held the eggs he saw earlier to the wall. After finding himself stuck, Kabutar struggled to break off. The vibrations Kabutar caused woke a nearby creature. The creature started to walk towards Kabutar on the web without getting stuck. Kabutar heard the creature coming, and looked up. Right there, in his face, was an Ariados. The Ariados hissed, and attempted to bite Kabutar. The Ariados shrieked as soon as the fangs bent due to failure to puncture Kabutar’s stone shell. Kabutar cringed as the large spider-like creature began to carry Kabutar off.

    Kabutar was dropped into a strange room full of cocooned victims that were not bugs. These victims seemed as though they were going to be dinner soon. Kabutar begged to differ about himself. He tried his hardest to cut his way out of the cocoon. After straining a dangerous amount, Kabutar finally sliced his way out of the annoying yet weak cage. Kabutar looked around and saw the other cocooned victims sleeping. He went around the room cutting every victim down, and waking them up. Each victim seemed surprised to be where they were. After Kabutar freed every victim he could find, he noticed one last one whom he had missed – probably due to the creature’s small size. Kabutar ran over and cut the victim down, then gasped at who it was.

    “Celebi?!” Kabutar asked.

    “I am…” Celebi responded.

    “What are you doing in the victim’s nest of the Ariados?” Kabutar wondered.

    “Of normality, the Ariados does not attack me, but lately, it has been quite the contrary…” Celebi said.

    “I have to get you out of here,” Kabutar told Celebi. “We need your help.”

    “Alas, Kabutar…” Celebi muttered. “It is I who needs your help as we speak…”

    Celebi pointed at the large web in the center of the room, and noticed that the Ariados was coming straight for Celebi and Kabutar.

    “What should I do?” Kabutar asked.

    “I do not decide your future…” Celebi said. “Do what you would do if I was not here in your presence…”

    Kabutar nodded. He ran at the Ariados, and began to ax it with his scythes mercilessly. After a while, the Ariados fell over on the web with guts pouring out. Kabutar halted his assault. A bunch of Spinarak crawled down the web and began to devour the carcass of the Ariados. Kabutar acted quickly.

    “Everyone, find a way out of here! You can thank me later!” Kabutar called. “Just be sure to leave the forest immediately after you exit the dungeon!”

    Pokemon that were capable of crawling helped those who could not by carrying them on their back as they crawled upward. As soon as all the Pokemon left, Kabutar fell to his knees.

    “You did a wonderful thing, Kabutar,” Celebi said. “You saved many families the grief of losing their loved ones…”

    “Thanks,” Kabutar replied. “But I think we should get out of here now.”

    “Come,” Celebi said, holding out her hand to Kabutar. “Let me take you.”

    “You sure you can carry me?” Kabutar asked.

    “It cannot hurt to try,” Celebi responded. Kabutar held out a scythe, and Celebi wrapped her hand around it as much as she could. Soon, Kabutar found himself off the ground.

    “Whoa,” Kabutar said, amazed.

    “Where is your rendezvous?” Celebi asked.

    “The dungeon entrance,” Kabutar replied.

    “Alright,” Celebi said. Within a split second, they were at the dungeon entrance. Kabutar hopped off, and landed at the dungeon entrance. He saw Tangas and Wolf there, paralyzed. But he turned to Celebi.

    “You’re not Palkia,” Kabutar pointed out. “How did you teleport?”

    Celebi smiled. “I didn’t,” she said. “You traveled time to about a half an hour from when you were rescuing me.”

    “Oh…” Kabutar said. He turned to Wolf and Tangas.

    “What happened?” he wondered.

    “A bunch of craphead Dustox stunned us, and hauled us over here. We haven’t recovered,” Wolf muttered barely.

    “Not a problem,” Celebi said, as she brought Wolf and Tangas back from paralysis. Tangas and Wolf sighed in relief.

    “Much better,” Tangas said cheerfully.

    “Now, I heard you three needed some help?” Celebi asked.

    “Why yes,” a sinister voice said from above. Celebi and the trio looked up, and saw Yanmy. Yanmy turned around and spoke. “Here she is.”

    “Thank you,” an even more sinister voice spoke. The creature who thanked Yanmy looked down the hole.

    “Oh my,” it said. “It seems Celebi has a few friends.”

    Kabutar filled with rage.

    “Doc!” Kabutar called out. “Get down here!”

    “Gladly,” Doc said sarcastically. He fluttered his wings as he landed right next to Kabutar. “What a coincidence to find you here, Kabutar.”

    “Likewise,” Kabutar angrily muttered. Doc walked over to Celebi in a very casual manner.

    “Good day, ma’am,” Doc greeted Celebi as she glared at him. Doc performed a formal bow while tipping the hat-like structure on his head. “I tip my hat to you.”

    “I sense sarcasm in your words,” Celebi said with a solid tone.

    “Aw, you caught me red-feathered,” Doc said. Doc then gasped, seemingly intentionally. He then lifted his wings up and displayed the patches of scarlet feathers under each black wing. “Ooh, would you look at that! I’ve always had red feathers!”

    Kabutar slyly threw a small boulder at Doc with Ancientpower. The boulder hit head on, and Doc fell over to one side.

    “Doc!” Toxica yelled, and hopped down. She picked Doc up, and stared upwards. She took a quick glaring glance at Kabutar, and flicked him off. She then hopped up the hole in a single leap, and landed safely on the edge of the hole. She set the unconscious Doc on the ground, and looked at Tort and Yanmy.

    “We need to give him medical attention,” she said. “That f___ing Kabutops threw a boulder at his head, and knocked him unconscious.”

    “Of course he did,” Yanmy spat, not surprised.

    “Well, the nearest medical hospital is in Atmos with Garchy. He sure as hell can fix Doc up,” Tort suggested.

    “No way! Rayquaza and the other Pokemon that live there execute Rebels on sight!” Toxica yelled.

    “Well, Garchy is there, and he’s doing fine,” Tort reminded Toxica quietly. “Besides, if we’re in Atmos in a safe house and stay there, we would have time to expand on our current plans and such. Kabutar would be looking there last, since he is marked and is unaware of our top secret entrances and exits there.”

    Wolf was eavesdropping on this entire conversation, and whispering it to Kabutar.

    “How the hell are we going to get into the frickin’ Sky City?” Kabutar asked fiercely. Wolf attempted to quiet Kabutar down. After the conversation ended, Wolf spoke to Kabutar.

    “That’s it,” Wolf whispered. “I think they’re gone.”

    “Correct,” Yanmy called from above. “Except for me!”

    Yanmy started going absolutely insane, as if attempting to finish Kabutar off quickly. But to Yanmy’s despair, he was no more than splattered guts all over the ground with a large boulder crushing his exoskeleton. Wolf looked at Kabutar, who shrugged. Then, the two of them looked at Tangas, who had an arm pointing into the air.

    “I think I killed him,” Tangas joked. He turned to Wolf and Kabutar. “What? I had to know Ancientpower, otherwise I wouldn’t be a Tangrowth.”

    Wolf and Kabutar looked at each other, and Kabutar shrugged.

    “True,” Kabutar agreed. He turned to Celebi. “What is the fastest way we can get out of this forest?”

    Celebi turned to Wolf. “This one has a purpose in this forest,” she said in a monotone voice. “I would imagine he will want to fulfill it.”

    “Screw the police force,” Wolf barked. “Besides, I think I found enough ‘commotion’ in this forest.”

    Celebi then turned to Kabutar. “Kabutar, you have to stop Doc Honchkrow and his army, as well as Reg’s disciples. It is up to you. If you don’t, the consequences will be horrifying,” she told Kabutar. Kabutar was puzzled.

    “It can’t all be up to me, ma’am,” Kabutar responded, not convinced.

    “But it can. Kabutar, one being can save the world with just a few heroic deeds…” Celebi muttered. “And the K Unown has chosen you.”

    “K Unown…?” Kabutar wondered to himself. He remembered the frightened Clefairy clan back in Tyurma Cavern, where the Clefable suggested that he was in some sort of prophecy that involved a K Unown. Now he realized that they may just have been correct. “What does this ‘prophecy’ entail, precisely?”

    “Only you can open the gate into the Dark Crusader’s lair, Kabutar,” Celebi told Kabutar. “From there, the Dark Crusader shall help you along your journey to stop the war.”

    “And where can I find this ‘Dark Crusader’?” Kabutar asked Celebi. Celebi remained silent. All of a sudden, the trio found themselves on their behinds out in the tall, grassy fields of the Erukita Field. “I expected an answer.”

    “Don’t worry, Kabutar,” Tangas comforted Kabutar. “Maybe, in due time, it’ll all be as clear as a crystal.”

    Kabutar looked at Tangas with hope in his eyes.

    “Yeah,” Kabutar said. “Maybe it’s one of those situations…”

    “Well, in any case,” Wolf stepped in. “I think we need to hunt down a couple of nice birds that would be happy to fly us to the Sky City.”

    “Right,” Kabutar said, as he stood up. “But where should we search for one?”

    “Our best bet would be the Sky City,” Tangas joked. Kabutar whacked Tangas lightly on the back.

    “I’ve got it,” Wolf said. He looked off into the distance, at a smoking volcano.

    “Volasto?” Kabutar wondered. “What’s so special about that stuck up rich town?”

    “They’re holding a tournament there in a few days,” Wolf said. “And the three legendary birds will be there.”
     
    Last edited: Apr 10, 2009
  10. Kabutopzilla

    Kabutopzilla En Prócsem

    Why is it that my fic is nearly halfway down page 2, and I have to post a chapter to bring it back? |:(

    Whatever.

    [/rant]

    Chapter Six: Off Course for the Better

    “And what makes you think that the three legendary birds will help us? They’re stuck up drama queens,” Tangas told Wolf.

    “Only when they are around the press,” Wolf reminded. “They visited Tyurma Falls once, remember? At least, Moltres and Zapdos don’t fit that description. I can’t say the same about Articuno, though…”

    “Yeah, she’s the one that always pops in my head when I think ‘legendary birds’,” Tangas muttered. “She’s so annoying!”

    “But one question, guys,” Kabutar said. “How will we ever get past their police force? The regional police reside there, like more than a third of Erukita does.”

    “Hmm,” Tangas thought. “We would have to come up with some sort of a suit to cover that nasty mark. Something cool, like a cape.”

    “A cape that covers my front side…” Kabutar mumbled. “Very subtle, Tangas.”

    “No, you silly Kabutops!” Tangas said aloud. “A cape that covers your back and reaches over your front enough so that it hides your mark.”

    “Sounds good enough,” Wolf said. “What do you think, Kabutar?”

    “I suppose,” Kabutar replied. “It’s better than having to sneak past every frickin’ cop out there.”

    “But then how will we get you a cape?” Tangas asked. “It would have to be designer’s, just so it would look cool.”

    Wolf and Kabutar turned to Tangas.

    “What?” Kabutar asked, confused, as he shrugged.

    “You know, designer’s?” Tangas asked. “As in, having it custom made?”

    “Do you know how hard that is?” Wolf asked. “Only a few Pokemon in Erukita know how to do that!”

    “What if I told you I knew one of them?” Tangas asked.

    “Then that would make things a lot easier,” Kabutar said.

    “Well, I know one of them,” Tangas spoke. “His name is Vire, and he lives in Eletraki.”

    “Vire?” Wolf asked. “I’ve heard of him.”

    “Good,” Tangas said. “So we have an agreement.”

    “Eletraki is a neutral city, right?” Kabutar asked.

    “Correct,” Tangas responded. “Both Regites and Rebels are allowed in, as well as other people.”

    “Well, then,” Kabutar said. “Let’s go.”

    “But wait,” Wolf interrupted. “The tournament starts in four days. Are you sure we can make it on time?”

    “Positive,” Tangas said cheerfully. “And if we don’t, you can burn me to the ground and feed my ash to Moltres.”

    Wolf imitated someone barfing on that remark.

    “Okay, then,” Kabutar said. “Now, let’s go.”

    Kabutar started walking in one direction. He stopped as soon as he realized that the other two weren’t following. He turned around to face them.

    “What?” Kabutar asked.

    “Wrong way,” Tangas pointed out. Kabutar looked confused, and shrugged. Tangas then pointed in another direction. “Damn, a shellfish’s navigational skills suck Exeggutors.”

    “Well, what the hell did you expect? A Fearow?” Kabutar asked.

    “If you were one of those, we’d be halfway to the high heavens by now,” Tangas remarked. Wolf couldn’t help but let out a casual chuckle.

    “Well, then I suppose you’ll just have to make do with me,” Kabutar replied.

    “Right, right,” Tangas said, laughing. “Why don’t I lead the way?”

    “Be my guest,” Kabutar responded. “You’re the only one who seems to know the way.”

    “Well alrighty then,” Tangas replied. “Come with me if you want to live, y’all.”

    Kabutar and Wolf let out a short laughter. They were very lucky to have a friend traveling with them that could be a stand-up comedian if he wanted to. It really made the stressful situations less stressful.

    Tangas led Wolf and Kabutar towards the north, where Eletraki sat. The city could be seen from where they were, and they were approaching it fast. It felt good, however, to be running free in the Erukita Field rather than escaping deadly adversaries in a forest that seemed to never end. The one danger that they could have faced that day would be an enormous battle between the Rebels and Reg’s disciples. Such a battle is only legal to take place in the Field, and one happens about every week.

    Tangas pointed at the city. “There,” he said. Wolf picked Tangas up with force, and shook off the pressure of his weight. Wolf and Kabutar took off at a high speed towards the city. Kabutar ran fast; Wolf would be outrunning him, but with the somewhat heavy Tangas on his back, Wolf was slowed to be about as fast as Kabutar. Soon, in about five minutes, the trio reached the outskirts of the advanced city. They stepped through the gate. Kabutar and Wolf were amazed by the city’s appearance, as Tangas continued walking on as if he was used to it. “I know, it’s amazing when you lay your eyes on it the first time.”

    Kabutar and Wolf saw sleek buildings made of shiny steel, as well as many aesthetics that revolved around the idea of electricity. Kabutar and Wolf stepped past a sign that had this quote written on it: “Electricity powers us all.” The sign had a Luxray staring straight at whoever passed by, smiling.

    “Tangas, this city is plain amazing,” Kabutar said.

    “I know, right?” Tangas chuckled. “I lived here for a short while, but it never lived up to the quiet, peaceful lifestyle of Tyurma Falls.”

    “Maybe,” Wolf replied. “I would live here for a while, too.”

    “Then why don’t ya?” a voice called. The trio turned to face the source of the voice. A Manectric popped out from behind a pole. Tangas gasped, as if he was very joyous.

    “Manny!” Tangas called. He ran at the Manectric and gave a high five to its paw.

    “Tangas, my man,” Manny said. “How are things servin’ ya?”

    “Good, good,” Tangas replied. “I’m sure you heard of my hometown’s little incident.”

    “Oh yeah,” Manny said. “I saw it on Chu’s special invention that displays things he calls ‘TV shows’. Sorry to hear about that, Tang. That little town was pretty cool.”

    Kabutar and Wolf walked up.

    “Hey, I don’t believe we’ve met,” Kabutar bowed. “I’m Kabutar.”

    “I know who you are. Your entire story about your expedition in Grenesk is legendary in the papers here!” Manny said. He bowed. “It is an honor to meet you, sir.”

    Wolf bowed as well. “I’m Wolf,” he said.

    “I know you as well,” Manny responded, and bowed.

    “Manny is my real estate agent in good old Eletraki, and also is one of my best buddies,” Tangas said, as he patted Manny on the back. He turned to Manny. “Maybe, if you aren’t busy, could you get these two acquainted to the city?”

    “Sure, sure,” Manny agreed.

    “Cool,” Tangas said, and he turned to Kabutar and Wolf. “I’ll go find Vire.”

    “Alright,” Kabutar agreed. Tangas walked off down a road.

    “Well, then, are both of you ready?” Manny asked. Kabutar and Wolf nodded.

    Manny started walking in one direction, and Kabutar and Wolf followed him.

    “The city of Eletraki is very advanced for its time,” Manny said as they walked past many dazzling shiny buildings. “Our city-wide inventor is a genius named Chu.”

    “What does he make?” Wolf asked.

    “Practically every electrical aesthetic you see, but he also made some other wacky things, such as the TV,” Manny replied.

    “What’s a TV?” Kabutar wondered.

    “It stands for Telepicture Vortex,” Manny answered. “It’s this cool device that displays animated pictures that entertain us and inform us on current events.”

    “At the same time?”

    “No, there are these different frequencies called ‘channels’ that have different shows on each,” Manny said. “Some channels inform, others entertain.”

    “Oh,” Wolf said.

    “He also invented printing papers he calls the Erukita Times,” Manny informed. “They are made only for sharing current information.”

    “May we meet Chu?” Wolf wondered.

    “Nope. He’s not allowed to see anyone. Mayor Raikou says that he needs to be inventing and not chatting,” Manny replied. Suddenly, Kabutar was knocked down.

    “Sorry,” Tangas said. He helped Kabutar back up on his feet. “I’m a little exhausted from running. It’s making me clumsy.”

    “So what’s up, Tang?” Manny wondered.

    “I’ve found Vire,” Tangas said. Suddenly, a Raichu emerged from behind Tangas, and stared at Kabutar. The Raichu had a serious look on its face as it examined Kabutar.

    “Is this the one?” the Raichu asked, and Tangas nodded. The Raichu walked up to Kabutar, and held out one of its puny hands. “Greetings, seaborn. My name is Vire.”

    Kabutar carefully shook the Raichu’s tiny paw.

    “You’re Vire?” Wolf asked, puzzled. “I would think you would be Chu.”

    “And what do you think a Pokemon with the name Vire should be, hm?” Vire asked.

    “Uh…an Electivire?” Wolf asked.

    “But I’m sure you would be shocked to hear that Chu is an Electivire, wouldn’t you?”

    “Yeah,” Wolf replied.

    “Good,” Vire said. “Because Chu is, in fact, an Electivire.”

    “That’s a tad confusing,” Kabutar said. “A Raichu named Vire, and an Electivire named Chu.”

    “It’s a little confusing at first,” Manny said. “…But you’ll get used to it. You can trust me on that.”

    Vire walked up, and examined Kabutar closer. He circled him as Kabutar didn’t act too comfortable.

    “And what did you want on your cape?” Vire asked.

    “I want it to be purplish black, and have sharp wavy edges on the end,” Kabutar responded. “Just make sure it reaches over to cover this curse mark up.”

    Kabutar pointed at his Rebel mark.

    “Mmmhmm,” Vire mumbled. “I will see what I can do.”

    Vire walked off towards a building labeled ‘Vire’s Workshop’.

    “How long do you think it’ll take?” Wolf called. Vire turned around and simply replied.

    “You cannot rush perfection.”

    Vire ignored any further comments, and stepped into his workshop.

    “No worries,” Tangas assured. “I’m positive it won’t take any longer than a day.”

    “Do you guys need a place to stay?” Manny asked the trio. They turned to face him.

    “Yes, please,” Wolf answered.

    “Well, I can rent you all a house,” Manny offered.

    “That’d be very nice,” Wolf responded.

    “Alright then, follow me,” Manny said, and the trio followed behind him. After a walk that lasted about five minutes, Manny stopped in front of a building. “Here it is.”

    “Thanks, man,” Tangas said. The trio walked by Manny as Tangas gave his paw a high five.

    “Anytime, Tang,” Manny said. “But stay for too long, and I’ll have to start charging you rent.”

    “Fair enough,” Tangas agreed. “But we need to hit a tournament in about four days, so we won’t stay long.”

    “But you’ll come back, right?” Manny wondered.

    “If I make it back alive, I’m going back to living here,” Tangas replied. Manny grew a frown on his face.

    “What do you mean if you make it back alive?” he asked. Tangas shrugged, and scratched the back of what may have been his neck.

    “Well,” he said. “We’re kind of on a wild goose chase, for Doc Honchkrow.”

    Manny’s jaw dropped. “Tang, you insane or something? Doc will maim you and your buddies in a heartbeat!”

    “Maybe, but Kabutar knocked him unconscious with a boulder,” Tangas said. “Now he’s on his way to Atmos if he isn’t already there for medical attention.”

    “And so you’re trying to get to Atmos?” Manny asked.

    “Yeah, and we need to attend that tournament to try and convince the three legendary birds that we need their help and find out if they can help us,” Tangas responded.

    “The odds are way against you, dude,” Manny pointed out. “Why are you chasing Doc, anyway?”

    “Kabutar seems to have a grudge against him for forcibly marking Kabutar’s chest with the mark of a Rebel, making Kabutar a target for the police,” Tangas explained. “Somehow or another, Doc knew that Kabutar was going to rebel against the authorities and hunt him down, likely to help buy some time.”

    “You all aiming for Reg as well?”

    “Not really. Kabutar only wants Reg dead because of all the assassins Reg is sending to exterminate him,” Tangas replied. “Otherwise, not much conflict there.”

    “Well, I wish you and your buddies good luck,” Manny said. He cracked a friendly smile. “I’ll be rooting for you.”

    “Thanks,” Tangas said. He walked down into the house, where Kabutar and Wolf were already checking out the interior decor.

    --

    “Dr. Omsop,” Tort called. “We have an emergency.”

    “Yeah, Garchy,” Toxica said. “Doc’s been knocked out.”

    The two minions and the unconscious raven were in a large observatory sitting on the heavy clouds of the Sky City. At the far end of the large observatory, a blue creature that resembled a hammerhead shark – a Garchomp – twirled around in its chair to face Tort, Toxica, and their ‘emergency’.

    “Well, I must say, this is a first,” Garchy pointed out. He was fitting his two claws together like a puzzle. “This would be the first time Doc has been knocked unconscious since the initial day of the war.”

    “Can you fix him?” Tort asked.

    “Let me take a look at the injuries…” Garchy told the two minions. The Garchomp stood up out of his chair, and walked towards the three creatures with perfectly straight posture. He bent down when he was near Doc, and examined the head. “Oh my.”

    “Is he going to be okay?” Toxica wondered.

    “This dent in his skull must be treated with extreme care. It is very unfortunate for our good leader, but this is most definitely nothing a doctor of my expertise cannot handle,” Garchy replied.

    “So he’s going to be okay?” Tort asked.

    “Oh heavens yes, good sir,” Garchy replied. “I should have the old chap up and running in a few days.”

    “Give me a number,” Toxica demanded.

    “Oh fine, young lass,” Garchy hesitantly agreed. “About five.”

    “Five days?” Tort asked, shocked.

    “Yes,” Garchy replied. “While I can absolutely cure our fellow Doc of his injuries, it will take some time.”

    “This is Tauross___,” Toxica spat.

    “My my,” Garchy said quietly. “Aren’t you the little toxic mouth?”

    “Come on Toxica, let’s go to the hideout,” Tort said. “Garchy, please fix Doc. We can’t lose him.”

    “I told you to not worry, my good man,” Garchy reminded Tort. “If Doc doesn’t make it, we can blame whoever flung the stone at him. Provided someone threw it at him, that is.”

    Garchy seemed to move his eye as though he would be cocking an eyebrow if he had eyebrows.

    “Yeah, someone threw it at him,” Toxica said, looking down as if she were ashamed.

    “Well then. I, as a creature of higher authority than either of you in this organization, command, not request, that you track whoever endangered Doc’s precious life, and brutally murder this person,” Garchy commanded. “No questions. Leave!”

    Toxica and Tort left the observatory and put their bandanas around their mark.

    “Great,” Toxica sarcastically spoke. “Now we need to find Kabutar and dismember him.”

    “We don’t necessarily have to,” Tort said. “We can kill someone else, mark them, and convince Garchy that we’ve carried out the operation.”

    Toxica slapped herself in the face, and wiped it, despite nothing was on it.

    “You dunce! Garchy will figure out sometime!” she exclaimed. “Then we’ll be the ones who are brutally murdered!”

    “Damn it,” Tort swore. “What are we going to do?”

    Toxica stepped over to the edge of the cloud, and stared down at the ground that was tens of thousands of feet below.

    “We’re going to bring Kabutar here,” Toxica said. “Then, we’re going to let Doc kick his a[FONT=”Verdana”]s[/FONT]s.”

    --

    Salan walked up to Reg on the stairwell in the middle of the colosseum, and bowed.

    “I have checked your report,” Reg spoke in a serious tone. “You neglected to forcibly bring the target back, despite the fact that he was marked…by Doc?”

    Salan did not say a word.

    “I am disappointed in you, Salan,” spoke Reg. “Orders are orders, and there are no exceptions unless they are brought up and enforced by me.”

    Salan nodded.

    “But I will forgive you…this once,” Reg boomed. “Your report states that he was not alone, and was being attacked by a gang of Grass-types. I want you to eliminate everyone he is with…but I do not want a single injury on his person. Understood?”

    Salan, again, did not respond.

    “Good,” Reg said. “Now fly off, I have some important business to attend to.”
     
  11. Kabutopzilla

    Kabutopzilla En Prócsem

    Now it's halfway down PAGE 3 and I have to post a chapter to revive it.

    Is my story really that bad? Really? That's what I assume when no one gives feedback. Not that it matters though, because no one ever really seems to care about my fics. -_-

    "Oh that's just a fic by Kabutopzilla, don't read it because the FIRST TWO CHAPTERS of one of his others were reviewed negatively."

    Chapter Seven: The Conspiracy

    Salan landed in front of Chu’s building, and pushed the doors open. Workers from all over the vicinity were trying to stop him.

    “Halt! You aren’t authorized in here!” they would cry out. Salan ignored them, and even shoved them out of the way. He stopped at a Jolteon who insisted that Salan halted.

    “I need to talk to Chu,” Salan told the Jolteon. “It’s important.”

    “Chu isn’t allowed to see anyone,” the Jolteon spat. “Mayor Raikou commands it.”

    “Well you can tell Mayor Raikou to take a wire, and shove it up his-“ Salan was cut off.

    “He’s fine,” a Luxray said. The Jolteon stood in a stately manner when facing the Luxray. Salan cracked an evil smile. “Come.”

    Salan and the Luxray walked down a large hallway, heading to Chu’s workstation.

    “How are things going?” Salan asked the Luxray.

    “Good,” the Luxray replied. “The citizens of Eletraki don’t know a thing.”

    The two of them walked into a workstation with an Electivire at the other side of the room. The Pokemon was fiddling with a mysterious device of some sort, and had its back turned to Salan and the Luxray.

    “Chu!” Salan called. The Electivire dropped everything it was doing, and sighed.

    “How many times do I have to tell you damned workers, I must not be disturbed!” Chu yelled. He turned, and gained a happier complexion. “Ah, Salan. Come to check things out?”

    “Actually, I-“

    “As you can see, the enhanced genetic engineering device is nearing its completion. It will increase productivity ten fold! And I have recently shipped a few of the lower class devices to Atlar in order to keep things flowing. Crazy things happen in that undersea metropolis, am I right?” Chu interrupted.

    “That’s because we have taken control of it, and the residents have no choice but to obey us,” Salan reminded Chu.

    “Ah well,” Chu said. “Anyway, there was something you wanted to tell me?”

    “Yes, in fact. Reg sent me to bring back a Kabutops by the name of Kabutar. He is marked with the mark of a Rebel,” Salan explained. “Have you seen him?”

    “No,” Chu replied, scratching his head. “You bringing him back dead, or alive?”

    “Why does that matter?” Salan asked.

    “Well, killing people is your thing,” Chu said.

    “True,” Salan agreed. “But this time, Reg expects differently from me.”

    “Does Kabutar have friends?” the Luxray asked.

    “Yes. Two, in fact,” Salan answered.

    “Perfect!” Chu said. “We can jack one of his friends and hold him for ransom to get him to go with you.”

    “Aye,” Salan said. “But I’m not keen on stealing someone without killing it, so I might need your help.”

    “Not a problem,” Chu replied. “I’ll send Luxray and a few of our loyal cronies to do the dirty work, and the final task will be yours.”

    “Sounds good,” Salan responded.

    “A Water-type?” the Luxray wondered. “This will be cake.”

    The Luxray walked out of the room and roared. Nearby workers stared at him as though he was crazy, then a few Electric-types hopped out into the hall.

    “Yeah?” an Electrode asked. “What’s up?”

    The Luxray turned to the Electrode. “We have some work to do.”

    Luxray’s team was somewhat large. It contained Electrode, Magneton, Ampharos, and Aggron, who is not Electric-type but prefers Eletraki over any other city. Luxray picked Aggron up at an intersection after assembling the rest of the group.

    “Okay,” Luxray said. “We need to track down a Kabutops named Kabutar. He is marked.”

    “This is a big city,” Electrode pointed out. “How the hell do you expect us to find him?”

    “We need to find people who know him and also knows where he went,” Luxray replied.

    “Then beat the blood out of ‘em, right?” Aggron suggested, punching his other hand.

    “Only if they don’t cooperate,” Luxray responded. “We need to be gentle at first, so they would be more likely to cooperate in the first place.”

    Aggron huffed in disappointment. Brutally beating other Pokemon down to death was a hobby of his, and a crime he was never caught for.

    “Let’s knock every house down to find these people,” Aggron suggested.

    “Fine idea, Aggron. Would you like to do the honors?” Luxray asked.

    “Hell yes!” Aggron roared. He looked around, and ran off to a house nearby. “I’ll tell you if I find anything out.”

    Luxray nodded in agreement, and turned to his other team members.

    “Let’s split up so we can cover more ground,” Luxray said. “And if the citizens don’t cooperate, don’t hesitate to maim them.”

    “Aight!” the other team members shouted at once.

    “Meet up at Eletraki Square in about three hours,” Luxray said. “If you’re late, then we will leave you behind.”

    --

    Aggron punched a door down, and slipped in. He turned the lights on, and stomped through the house. He stopped at a bed, and reached down at the citizen under the covers. He grabbed it by the neck, and forcefully lifted the helpless Cyndaquil off the ground.

    “Deep sleeper, eh?” Aggron asked rhetorically. “Don’t squeal, and this will be quick.”

    The Cyndaquil let out a high-pitched squeal for help. Aggron shook the tiny infant.

    “Damn you,” he spat. He dropped the baby Cyndaquil back on its bed as a Typhlosion walked down the stairs.

    “What the hell are you doing here?” the Typhlosion demanded. Aggron responded by pulling out a weapon that resembled a gun, and firing it in one direction. He then walked up to the Typhlosion and held the barrel of the strange weapon to the Typhlosion’s skull.

    “Tell me now,” Aggron angrily whispered in the Typhlosion’s ear. “Did you see a Kabutops pass through here?”

    The Typhlosion did not respond. It had a very frightened look on its face.

    “Where did you get your hands on a Leadshot?” the Typhlosion asked.

    “Answer the question, or your head will be on this Leadshot,” Aggron replied. “I will blow your skull violently off your body right here in front of your kid, and then I will maim your kid to the death mercilessly.”

    The Typhlosion gasped.

    “Answer me!”

    “Alright, alright,” the Typhlosion said, frightened. “I did see a Kabutops pass through here. He was with a Tangrowth, an Arcanine, and Manny.”

    “Manny, huh?” Aggron wondered. He then stroked his chin gently. “Aight. That’s decent enough information.”

    Aggron lowered his Leadshot and walked out of the house. The Typhlosion quickly ran over and comforted its child.

    --

    Luxray pushed a door down gently, and walked into a room with a Gardevoir and her children watching a TV.

    “Hello there,” Luxray said. “What’re you watching?”

    The Gardevoir turned to face Luxray.

    “Uh…Chu’s Factory Show…why?” she asked.

    “Just wondering,” Luxray responded. He sat down next to the group of Psychic-type Pokemon. “I have a question.”

    “What are you doing in my house?” the Gardevoir demanded.

    “I already answered that, dear,” Luxray replied. “Now, have you seen a Kabutops?”

    “A Kabutops? Why no, not recently. Why do you ask?” the Gardevoir wondered.

    “Well, let’s just say that we’re on the hunt for him,” Luxray responded. “You can say he’s a criminal.”

    The Gardevoir gasped. “For what reason?” she asked.

    “Well, ma’am, he is butchering Pokemon for no reason,” Luxray said, with a disturbed tone in his voice. He was trying to sound convincing. “And I believe he’s heading for this neighborhood next.”

    Gardevoir gasped, and put her hand over her mouth. She looked at her Ralts and Kirlia, and told them to go to bed. After the two children went to bed, a Gallade came down the stairs.

    “The hell are you doing with my wife?” the Gallade asked.

    “Sweetheart, this Luxray told me that a Kabutops is heading for our area, and he needs our help tracking it down,” the Gardevoir explained. “Honey, it’s butchering random Pokemon.”

    The Gallade’s eyes widened. “Let me assist you,” the Gallade insisted. “I will only be there to help.”

    “You may,” Luxray calmly spoke. “Follow me.”

    Luxray and Gallade walked out into the street. “Where is he?” Gallade demanded.

    “That’s what we need to figure out,” Luxray replied, staring off into the distance. “Then we will take him from there.”

    “Alright,” Gallade said. “Let’s go.”

    --

    Tort and Toxica were standing on a hill next to the suburbs of Eletraki. Toxica was cupping her hands around her eyes as though she was using binoculars.

    “Doing that doesn’t magnify your vision, you know,” Tort pointed out. Toxica put her hands down, and looked at Tort.

    “Yeah,” she said. She looked back at the lit up city. “You know, they say that Chu is a kingpin for some mafia down here.”

    “And?” Tort asked.

    “You think he’s one of Reg’s disciples?” Toxica asked.

    “Likely,” Tort replied. “What other mafia exists in Erukita besides us and Reg?”

    “Good point,” Toxica responded. She looked down, and saw what she believed was a Kabutops. “Come on. Let’s go. Eletraki is neutral.”

    The two of them slid down the hill into the streets. Toxica took off after the silhouetted figure. Tort slowly followed behind her. Toxica stopped behind a building, but Tort went on and stomped, performing Earthquake to try and knock the target off its feet. Toxica lifted herself off the ground with the house she was clinging to in order to avoid being hit. To the Rebels’ misfortune, the silhouette did not fall off of its feet. Instead, another silhouette signaled something, and within a few seconds, Toxica heard a cry from beside her. She looked over at Tort, whom was now being covered in flames.

    “Tort!” Toxica called out. She ran over to the flaming Tort and began to charge up an attack to douse the fire. But soon, Toxica felt a thick round barrel push against her skull.

    “Don’t try anything stupid,” a deep, tough-sounding voice sounded from behind her. “I will pull this trigger if you try to break me.”

    Toxica slowly turned around, and saw an Aggron wielding a Leadshot. The Aggron picked Toxica up, and threw her at the silhouetted figures. She looked up, and saw a Gallade and a Luxray looking down at her.

    “My my,” Luxray spoke. “What a surprise.”

    “Screw you,” Toxica said, as she spat at the Luxray. The Luxray wiped the spit off of its face.

    “Rebels will be terminated by the name of Reg,” the Luxray said. “You are not going to help the Kabutops out of this one, sweety.”

    “Help?” Toxica asked. “Hell to that! I’m here to take that damn Kabutops into custody.”

    “Isn’t he one of yours?” Luxray asked.

    “No,” Toxica responded. “It’s an order from Garchy.”

    “Garchy?” Luxray wondered. “That crazed lunatic in Atmos? Correct me if I’m wrong, but I believe Atmos restricts the presence of Rebels within city limits.”

    “It does,” Toxica answered. “But that doesn’t mean we aren’t going to use it.”

    “Why has Garchy sent you?” Luxray demanded.

    “That’s classified,” Toxica said. Gallade turned to Luxray.

    “What is this?” he asked.

    “Just your common conflict between a Rebel and a Regite, sir,” responded Luxray. Gallade took off running in one direction, and Luxray turned his head to Aggron and nodded. Aggron carefully aimed at the running Gallade, and pulled the trigger of his Leadshot. In the distance, Gallade’s silhouette could be seen falling over.

    “Owned,” Aggron spoke. “Let me get him.”

    Aggron turned to Tort, who was whining in extreme pain. Aggron pointed the barrel at Tort’s head, and pulled the trigger. After a loud BANG!, the whining ended. Toxica stared at the dead corpse that was once the body that belonged to Tort.

    “You a[FONT=”Verdana”]ssh[/FONT]oles! I will kill you!” Toxica got up, but was shocked into paralysis by Luxray.

    “No you won’t,” Luxray taunted. “Aggron.”

    Aggron nodded. Luxray walked off in one direction, and Aggron followed. Paralyzed, Toxica could do nothing as Aggron picked her up by the neck.

    “Everyone’s gotta die sometime, babe,” Aggron said. “Accept that, and this wouldn’t be so emotional.”

    “Put me down! I am a woman!” Toxica demanded. Aggron grinned.

    “A woman who, if it weren’t for your feminine voice, could be mistaken for a man,” Aggron spat.

    “Where are you taking me, and why aren’t you killing me?” Toxica asked.

    “After a couple stops, we’re going to drop you off and leave you to Salan and Chu,” Aggron replied. “You made a big mistake coming here.”

    “How did you guess the Kabutops would be here, anyway?” the Luxray wondered.

    “Garchy told us,” Toxica hesitantly replied.

    “It seems Garchy is a very useful figure in your organization, is he not?” Luxray assumed. “What would happen if we, say, took him and held him hostage?”

    “Doc would send the entire f___ing Rebel army after you,” Toxica spat. “Doc doesn’t negotiate with Regites.”

    Luxray chuckled. “I could zap Doc out of the sky if need be,” he bragged.

    “Why do you think he has guards, and avoids total vulnerability?” Toxica quizzed.

    “Sounds like Doc is a p[FONT=”Verdana”]us[/FONT]sy,” Aggron spoke.

    “Reg isn’t much better,” Toxica violently retorted. “He sits in his throne and gets fat all day!”

    On that remark, Aggron forcefully threw Toxica at a stone house. Toxica hit the external walls of the house hard on her spine, and fell over.

    “Insulting God?” Aggron questioned. “Heretics shall not survive!”

    “Look, you a[FONT=”Verdana”]s[/FONT]s,” Toxica said. “I was just stating the truth to counter your lie!”

    Aggron ignored that statement, and held his claw up, ready to crack Toxica’s skull open.

    “Stop it, Aggron,” Luxray commanded. “Killing a valuable member to the Rebels without a hierarch’s permission is heresy in itself.”

    Aggron calmed down, and lowered his claws. Instead, he jerked the still-paralyzed Toxica, and held her underneath his armpit yet again. Toxica said nothing to demean herself about her position in the Rebels; otherwise she would be risking her life twice as fast.

    “I hope Chu decides to maim your a[FONT=”Verdana”]s[/FONT]s,” Aggron spat. Luxray shook his head.

    “No, Aggron, Chu will follow what Reg tells him to do,” Luxray pointed out. Aggron huffed.

    “So anyway,” Aggron shifted the subject. “I punched some decent information about the Kabutops out of a desperate Typhlosion about seven blocks over.”

    Luxray sounded interested. “Really? What did you learn?”

    “It’ll be easier to just look for Manny the Manectric,” Aggron said. “We know where Manny lives, and such a ‘heroic heart’ the Kabutops is, as said by Reg, the Kabutops will hunt us down for the Manectric. So, we hold Manny hostage. That’s when we create a clever and unexpected trap for the Kabutops to walk into.”

    Luxray smiled. “Brilliant!” he said. “And Manny is likely asleep this late at night. Let’s move in now. Voice for the others. We are ready to go.”

    Aggron pulled out a strange device covered in buttons and some sort of speaker. He held down a button, and spoke.

    “Everyone, we are ready to go. Meet where Luxray told us to,” Aggron said. He turned to Luxray and held a thumb up.

    “This will work wonderfully,” Luxray said in a giddy tone. The two of them walked off towards the Eletraki Square, with Toxica in Aggron’s arms. After five minutes, they reached the rendezvous, and everyone else was there. Ampharos looked at Toxica.

    “Uhh…That’s a Toxicroak, Aggron,” Ampharos pointed out. Aggron walked over and whacked Ampharos upside its head with his free hand.

    “I know, you dumbs___!” Aggron swore. Luxray stepped in.

    “We have not found the Kabutops, but we have found decent enough information to lure him to us,” Luxray explained. “This Toxicroak here is just a bonus.”

    “Ohhh,” Ampharos said, now realizing the Toxicroak was intentional.

    “Arceus, Ampharos, you are such a retard,” Aggron insulted. Ampharos blew a raspberry at Aggron.

    “Grow up,” Electrode said. Aggron flicked it off.

    “Is that an adult enough gesture for you?” Aggron said. Electrode ignored Aggron.

    “Honestly, now,” Luxray said. “Electrode has a point. Aggron, you can be immature at times, and Ampharos, you act childish.”

    “I’m a child at heart,” Ampharos said, smiling with his hands on his chest. Luxray pulled the wounded Gallade closer to the bunch. A large, bleeding hole was in the back of the Gallade’s neck.

    “Take this to Atlar,” Luxray told Ampharos. Ampharos nodded, and strained himself trying to drag the Gallade away. He went to the nearest hill that would exit the city, so no one could see him.

    Suddenly, Toxica pushed Aggron away, and escaped the large Pokemon’s grip. Toxica took off running. Aggron pulled out his Leadshot and fired at Toxica’s leg. She fell over, and started to wince in pain. Aggron stepped over next to Toxica.

    “You know, that almost worked,” Aggron said into Toxica’s tiny ear. “But I wasn’t called the top Regite Sharpshooter for nothing, ma’am.”

    Toxica looked up at Aggron and glared at him. She had tears pouring out of her eyes. Aggron sighed, and picked her up again. He walked over to Luxray with Toxica in his hand.

    “Zap her,” Aggron said. “She’s squirming.”

    Toxica was squirming like a Magikarp in Aggron’s hand, until Luxray zapped her again. Once again, Toxica was paralyzed. He sighed angrily, and seemingly just gave up for now.

    “Let’s go find this mofo,” Aggron said. He started walking towards Manny’s house. Luxray followed him. Electrode rolled up to keep at Luxray’s pace.

    “Why are you letting Aggron command you?” Electrode asked. Luxray smiled.

    “Because, in truth, he is my leader,” Luxray replied. Electrode seemed shocked – no pun intended.

    Aggron pushed the door down of another house and stepped in. He walked into the main den of the house.

    “Hey, hey!” the resident said. “You can’t just barge in here!”

    Suddenly, the resident shuddered in fear with seeing an Aggron holding a seemingly dead Toxicroak.

    “Manny the Manectric,” Aggron said. “Dead or alive, you’re coming with me.”
     
  12. Azurne

    Azurne ~ ♥ ~

    Okay whoa whoa, before I even begin my reviews here, do you have some sort of fear about letting your fic go to later pages? It has to happen eventually, you know. I mean, it’s not any different from Fanfiction.net here. Oo; Older fics just get replaced with updated ones. When you’re good and ready to update, then it jumps back to the first page. You fic doesn’t die if it goes to page 2, you know.

    Also, what do you mean “no one ever seems to care about your fics”? That seems really self-centered of you. I know it’s hard waiting on reviews, but try not to use the guilt trip. It’s not going to get anyone to review any faster.

    And for the record, I didn’t review it negatively. It was just a critical review. If you want negative, I CAN get all mean and nasty, but that’s not the type of person I am. >.>; I’m just trying to help.



    And now:




    Chapter 3:




    Was this whole part necessary? I mean, I really can’t find a specific point or reason why this event happened at all. Did it contribute to the story somehow? All it seems to be is filler. Next time when you’re going through and editing your chapters, think about what is really necessary in your story.



    Whoa wait a minute, if Wolf can burn all of them down without a second thought, why is he going to gamble his friend’s life away? Personally, if I was a fire-type and had advantage over grass types, who then threatened to kill my friend, I wouldn’t stand for it period.



    I understand you wanted to move on with the scene a little quicker, however, Wolf’s reaction was a little “wtf”. He sees his friend pretty much dead, you give him no description of emotion other than him running out to the field, and then shedding a few tears. Afterward, when his friend winks at him, there’s not confusion at all, just relief. He kinda got the short end of the emotional description here, methinks.



    Bit much to save someone you hardly know. Risking your life, running from a possible new home, now having nowhere to go, and risking making more enemies. Do you see where I’m coming from?




    Is he talking about Kabutar, or the Salamence?





    Chapter 4:



    As the reader, I wasn’t aware he was sleeping, so this was kinda awkward to read.




    Breaking the fourth wall here—at least, I think it’s the fourth—Never refer to the reader in one of your fics. It completely breaks the concentration of the story, and instead puts the focus on the reader, instead of the characters.




    This fight scene is all over the place, first it’s Tropius and Wolf, then Tangas, then Kabutar and Sir Scep, it’s just bouncing constantly back and forth with only descriptions of their movement. It’s a lot to take in, and I suggest you break it into three small paragraphs, one for each paired-up fight, and describe them a little better.



    … So, this whole time, Kabutar, Wolf, and Tangas, didn’t move an inch? Way to not take advantage of the situation. If my enemy was distracted, I’d go for it.




    He was out cold? I know you said he “fell over and lied down, motionless on the edge of the pond” but I didn’t think that implied completely out cold. Even so though, you also blazed by that part earlier, and it was easy to forget. Go back and exaggerate the part where he is knocked out, and it’ll make more sense.


    Also, “shrieked” is a bit strong of a word for this situation, IMO.





    Wait, what? Used in what? I’m lost…





    I think “Sorr-ry!” or something would look a little better than an alternative spelling like you have.


    Just a suggestion though.





    This sentence is extremely awkward, and not needed, really.



    … How big were these rocks? Because, with some general laws of Physics, rocks of considerable size don't fly backwards after being taken out of a wall. They fall down, not up or sideways. And, on top of that, even if they were falling down, they wouldn’t have been at the necessary height to take down Beedrill. If you don’t understand, I could try to explain it more later…






    They just murdered a Scyther… for no reason other than stealing? The Scyther wasn’t even threatening them. These “police officers” need to double-check their morals.



    Expectedly? I was supposed to expect that was his name?




    This last part was very anti-climatic, and could use a lot more description if you want it to be powerful. As it is now, I easily blazed right through it and it didn’t leave much of an impression.





    Well, that’s it for now; I’ll review chapters 5, 6, and 7 later when I get the chance.



    Overall, this fic is about as average as it gets. Your grammar is alright, but everything else is about average. There is nothing that stands out; this fic doesn’t have any drive, no sense of urgency to it at all. That’s probably why not too many people are reading it; it just doesn’t have that compelling push to it. It’s heartbreaking news to an author, I know, but that’s the way it is right now. Your characters are more or less just… following the plot, and have no inner turmoil or any sort of personal conflict within them. As for the plot, if may seem all dark and mysterious, however you’ve not given a real reason for the reader to care about it. Yeah, sure, this cop’s town got burnt to the ground, there’s some sort of war going on, but why should we care? This is partly due to a failure in your description, because you gave no sense of urgency at all when you described any of these scenes. It may play out all epically inside your head, but unfortunately when transferring it into paper or computer, some of that is lost.



    For instance, there’s a difference between this:


    “Aerodactyl flew out of the building, busting the window and flying to the screaming crowd down below.”


    And this:


    “In a rampage of climatic hysteria and rage, the Aerodactyl shattered the window on the 17th floor of the skyscraper; glass raining down in a glittering mess of cacophony as the massive winged creature jumped, nose-diving onto the screaming crowd of children and parents below.”



    I put emphasis on who the crowd was: children and parents. It tugs a heart-string at the reader, because they can relate, and they can see who they are. If I had just labeled them as “the crowd” all the reader gets is a bunch of faceless beings, and there’s no emotion at all attached to them.


    Also, I put a lot of heavy weight on Aerodactyl’s exit, to help the reader visualize exactly what was going on. If I left out “glass raining down in a glittering mess of cacophony”, what are the chances the reader would see that if I just said “busting the window”?



    You’ve got to make this fic exciting if you want it to succeed. What is it your reader should be excited about? At the moment, it’s simply plodding through the plot. One event after another, and another, etc.



    Again, I don’t want this to sound mean or down-putting, but this is what it is at the moment. Your plot, descriptions, and characters are all what’s killing you now, and they’re the lifeblood of a story.




    I wish you the best of luck on other chapters however~


    Ta for now,

    Azurne // . IC Ghost .
     
Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.

Share This Page