Pokemon Mystery Dungeon: The Emerald Temple

[Mister_SGG]

PMD: The Emerald Temple​

I've had two previous fics, but I dumped them both before completetion (in fact, I had barely started them). This time I'm really gonna try my hardest to complete it, instead of spamming the forum with another closed thread.

Right, so this a Mystery Dungeon fic. Atm it's rated PG, but may worsen, if I decide to throw in something a little bit over the definition of PG.

Right... so here we go.

i

"Hey! I think I see a light!"

Two Pokemon exited the cave mouth and found themselves in a sunny clearing, surrrounded by large rock pillars, covered in all kinds of minerals, like diamonds, rubies and pearls. In the center of the clearing was an emerald green treasure chest.

The two Pokemon quickly approached the small green chest. It was also covered in various gemstones. Right in the center was a giant emerald.

"Quickly," said one of the Pokemon. "Let's open it!"

The pair of Pokemon tried to open the treasure chest in any way they could think of. They tried lifting the lid, searched for some sort of switch, they even tried to force it open. After a long time of searching, they were about to give up, when one of the Pokemon gasped.

"Gligar!" he said. "I found something!"

The Pokemon called Gligar approached his partner. "What is it, Gible?"

Gible pulled their bag off his back and started to rummage through it. "Do you remember the green key we found on our way here?"

Gligar thought for a second. Then he remembered how while exploring the cave, they had found a green key sticking out of the wall. They had removed it and brought it along with them as a souvenir. He nodded to show Gible he remembered.

"Well," Gible said as he pulled the key out of their bag, "what if the key unlocks the chest?"

Gligar thought he was right at first, but he didn't remember seeing a keyhole on the chest. "But where would the key go?"

Gible thought about that for a while. After a few minutes of silence, he said, "Right... here."

Gible grabbed the giant emerald on the chest, and pulled as hard as he could. Sure enough, it soon came loose, and revealed a silver keyhole, fitting the size of their key perfectly. He then took the key and put it in the keyhole, and twisted it until the two Pokemon heard a loud click. The ground beneath their feet shook for sometime before the chest swung open, revealing the treasure of the cave: a map.

Both Pokemon frowned. They had been expecting heaps of gold and treasure, but instead the chest had only held an old map that looked like it would fall to pieces any second.

"Are you serious?" Gible cursed. "All of that, and we get a map?"

"Yeah, it's a big letdown," Gligar said, "but what if this map leads to an even larger treasure? Like, an underwater city, or a tropical paradise?"

"I guess you're right..." muttered Gible.

Gible grabbed the map and put it in their bag. But as soon as he did so, the ground shook again, this time, much more violently. As the ground shook, all the gemstones on the massive pillars started to separate and tumble to the ground. As they fell, the stone pillars began to crumble, threatening to crush the two Pokemon.

"We have to get out of here!" Gible yelled over the noise.

The two Pokemon dashed for the exit, which was awfully far away. As they ran, one of the pillars gave way, and destroyed the treasure chest. Another one collapsed, landing right where the two Pokemon had been standing. The pair of Pokemon ran for their lives, and were not thirty feet from the exit when one of the pillars in front of them shook and started to tumble right on top of them.

"We're not gonna make it!" Gible screamed.

"Yes we are!" screeched Gligar, clearly very determined to make it out of the cave.

He grabbed Gible with his pincers, lifted him up, and flew as fast as he could toward the exit. It seemed that the closer they got to the door, the closer the pillar got to crushing them.

They were only about 15 feet away now. In a few seconds, they would be crushed. 10 feet... 5 feet... 2 feet... they were at the exit!

And not a second too soon, for as soon as they were out, a pillar collapsed right in front of the door.

"HAHAHA!" laughed Gligar when they landed at the nearby lake. "We made it!"

"Yeah... we did..." said Gible, out of breath.

They rested up for a while, but Gligar needn't have done so. He could have evaded those collapsing pillars all day and still be full of energy. Gible, on the other hand, can hardly run for more than a minute, and therefore had to lay down a few hours to get his energy back.

When they'd recovered, they discussed what they would do now.

"Let's go see everyone again," offered Gligar, "and then we'll head out to follow this treasure map."

Thanks for reading guys, I'll have Chapter I soon.

 

[Mister_SGG]

Alright guys, here's Chapter I, hope you enjoy it!

I

Gible and Gligar, determined to find what their map lead to, made their way to where they lived: a large underground cave with stalagmites and stalactites sticking out of every surface. There was a small stream running through the cave that lead to a huge waterfall a few miles away. When the two Pokemon had found the cave for the first time, it had been crawling with all kinds of pests, like Spinarak and Zubat.

The pair of Pokemon approached the entrance, which was blocked off by a huge chunk of ice. Gible gave it a knock.

Knock knock.

“Who’s is there?” said a raspy voice breathing very heavily from the other side of the ice. “Unless you know the password, be gone!”

Gible whispered, “Thunderstone.”

The breathing stopped, and all of a sudden the ice disappeared, allowing entry for the two Pokemon.

Gligar flew in and said, “Where is everyone?”

Just then, a big figure crept out of the corner and in to the light. It appeared to be a giant snowflake. In fact, if it weren’t for the large, piercing eyes and gaping mouth, Gligar might’ve thought it was a snowflake.

“They’ve all gone out looking for food,” it whispered.

“Looking for food?” Gible asked. “Surely we haven’t run out of supplies here, have we, Cryogonal?”

Cryogonal shook his head. Or... he shook his whole body. “No, no. But we are dangerously low, in fact, so low, that it isn’t enough to feed three people.”

Cryogonal hovered over to the entry way, and, using his cold breath, created another block of ice, similar to the one there previously.

“Follow me,” he rasped. “I’ll show you what happened.”

Cryogonal flew over to another passageway and then looked back at Gligar and Gible, who hadn’t moved yet.

“Well, come on then!” Cryogonal urged.

Gligar and Gible hurried over to him and followed him down the corridor. At the far end of the hallway was a massive metal door with a huge lock on it.

Cryogonal nodded to the lock.

“Could you open it?” he asked. “I’d do it myself, but as you can see, I have no limbs to do it.”

“Sure,” said Gible. “What’s the combination?”

“Thirty-two, fifty-five and twelve,” Cryogonal said.

Gible entered the combination, and the lock clicked open. He then gripped the giant handle with both hands, and pulled the colossal door open. As soon as he did, a wave of cold air swept through the hallway. Cryogonal smiled, liking the drop in temperature. Gligar started shivering, and Gible hugged him for warmth.

Cryogonal hovered in to the room, and as soon as they entered, Gligar knew something was wrong. There was a massive hole in the wall. It looked to have been made by some sort of explosives. Then, in the center of the room, was a large refrigerator, only, there was a hole in that too. It looked too have been burned in to the fridge with acid. And inside the fridge, were a few Oran Berries, some Apples, and a few other foods that went bad and had shrivelled up so Gligar couldn’t tell what they were.

“What happened here?” Gligar asked.

Gible seemed to be more concerned of the rotten food.

“What a waste,” he muttered.

Cryogonal sighed. “Last night, while everyone was asleep, there was a large bang coming from the storage room. Of course, it woke everybody up, and we all came here to see what was making such a ruckus. When we got the vault unlocked, there were three Pokemon who were into the fridge, grabbing anything they could and loading it in to their bags. Alakazam yelled at them with some nice and foul words that definitely got their attention. You know Alakazam, always has a lot of things to say but no strength to back them up. Naturally, they attacked him and he was knocked out right away. Luckily, Lopunny, Charizard and Absol arrived and had a good fight with the crooks. They were just about to beat them when one of them, a Jigglypuff, started to sing a song, and we all fell asleep. When we came to, they were gone, and they took Absol with em’.”

Gligar and Gible were shocked to here this, and Gligar started to drown Cryogonal in questions.

“You said there were three Pokemon, a Jigglypuff and two others. Do you remember what kind of Pokemon they were?”

Cryogonal thought for a moment.

“I know one of them was a Poison-type,” he pondered. “Oh yeah! It was a Crobat!”

“What was the last one?” Gible urged.

“Uh...” Cryogonal clearly didn’t remember it too well. “I think it was a... hey! I remember!”

Gligar was getting impatient. “Well, spit it out then!”

“It was a Bisharp, okay?” Cryogonal yelled. “Stop pushing me so hard... I need to go lay down...”

Just then, the three Pokemon heard voices.

“They’re back,” Gible said.

 

[Drat]

No reviews?? For shame!

Alright, so let's take a look at what you got.

Chapter i (er... is this a prologue or are you going to number this like i...I...ii...II?) Anyways, I'll just consider it Chapter one for the time being. Gible and Gligar. First impressions points to Gible as the more developed character of the pair. Not physically, but in terms of his interest as a main character he seems like he would be much more fun to read about, whereas Gligar just seems... there. You might work out a way to bring his character out a bit more. The treasure chest scene was clever, reminiscent of some kind of old-timey disney adventure movie. ( I say that in the best way possible) I dont know why, but that sense of adventure and mystery seems to really make or break these type of fics for me. After all, it is Mystery Dungeon. So I hope you can keep that kind of thing up. Grammar wise you were spot on. Well, I think you were. I wasn't particularly looking for any mistakes and nothing jumped out, others may find mistakes but this reviewer certainly didn't. However, your lack of grammatical error may be due to a...

Lack of description. What you've got here is a great skeleton. (Once again, the best way possible) You have this plot set up, you've written the scene out to a minimal degree, now don't be afraid to add to that. Don't be afraid to take a risk here and there, it'll help you grow as a writer and will really add some color to your story. Think about what your characters are feeling, not emotionally wise, though that can be important, I mean specific physical sensations. Touch, taste, smell, sounds, and of course sight. Doing this puts your reader right there with your character and makes the adventure... well, more adventurous. Overall, you didn't really do bad, you just didn't do good enough where there was clearly potential.

Keep on writing, I'll get to chapter two (or I...) soon enough. I know how hard it is to keep the creative momentum going when it feels like no one is reading your fic, just know that it'll all be worth it in the end.

 

[Mister_SGG]

No reviews?? For shame!

Alright, so let's take a look at what you got.

Chapter i (er... is this a prologue or are you going to number this like i...I...ii...II?) Anyways, I'll just consider it Chapter one for the time being. Gible and Gligar. First impressions points to Gible as the more developed character of the pair. Not physically, but in terms of his interest as a main character he seems like he would be much more fun to read about, whereas Gligar just seems... there. You might work out a way to bring his character out a bit more. The treasure chest scene was clever, reminiscent of some kind of old-timey disney adventure movie. ( I say that in the best way possible) I dont know why, but that sense of adventure and mystery seems to really make or break these type of fics for me. After all, it is Mystery Dungeon. So I hope you can keep that kind of thing up. Grammar wise you were spot on. Well, I think you were. I wasn't particularly looking for any mistakes and nothing jumped out, others may find mistakes but this reviewer certainly didn't. However, your lack of grammatical error may be due to a...

Lack of description. What you've got here is a great skeleton. (Once again, the best way possible) You have this plot set up, you've written the scene out to a minimal degree, now don't be afraid to add to that. Don't be afraid to take a risk here and there, it'll help you grow as a writer and will really add some color to your story. Think about what your characters are feeling, not emotionally wise, though that can be important, I mean specific physical sensations. Touch, taste, smell, sounds, and of course sight. Doing this puts your reader right there with your character and makes the adventure... well, more adventurous. Overall, you didn't really do bad, you just didn't do good enough where there was clearly potential.

Keep on writing, I'll get to chapter two (or I...) soon enough. I know how hard it is to keep the creative momentum going when it feels like no one is reading your fic, just know that it'll all be worth it in the end.

Thanks for the review! I'll try my best to improve.

PS: The first one is the prologue... hence the lowercase "I", and the second post is the first Chapter, hence the capital "I".

 

[Mister_SGG]

Sorry it's been so long since I posted the last chapter, guys. Here it is. And big thanks to Drat for the advice, it really helped, and I hope I've improved.

II

The three Pokemon rushed out of the storage room, and nearly bumped right in to something huge. So huge, Gible couldn’t see all of it.

At first, he had thought it was a Pokemon. But it was in fact a large pile of food; meats, herbs, and produce. It was at least 10 feet wide, and probably twice and tall. It smelled like all kinds of things, that clearly didn’t smell good when put together. And there were two purple things on either side of it, that Gible realised were big, muscular hands.

The two hands let go of the pile of food and let it drop on the ground. Gligar thought it would topple on top of them, but it simply shook slightly and then it was still. The owner of the hands walked out from behind the massive stack and revealed a tall, muscular Pokemon not wearing anything but a pair of underwear with a belt around his waist. It was a Machoke.

“Hello there,” it said. “You two must be Gligar and Gible. Cryogonal has complained about you a lot.”

Gligar was confused. “Sorry, but do we know you?”

Machoke shook his head. “No, you probably wouldn’t. I came here shortly after you went on your expedition to that cave.”

Gible waved his finger at Machoke. “You’re, eh... awfully buff, aren’t you?”

“Ha ha, I suppose I am,” Machoke laughed. “I’m sure you will be too, someday.”

Gible didn’t speak. He just nodded his head and hid behind Gligar.

Gligar knew there were more Pokemon, but all he saw was Machoke.

“Excuse me,” he asked. “Where are the other Pokemon?”

Machoke didn’t understand for a moment, then said, “Oh! You mean Charizard and them. Yes, well, they’re in the main room.”

Cryogonal spoke up, for the first time since they had started talking to
Machoke. “I’ll take you there.”

He seemed in a hurry to get away from Machoke, and grabbed shoved Gible and Gligar towards the main room. On their way there, they passed a door that said DANGER: DO NOT ENTER. Gligar was curious what was in there, so he stopped and asked Cryogonal.

“Does it matter?” he replied. “It says not to go in there, so just don’t.”

Gligar kept on walking, but he couldn’t take his eyes off the door.

Gible nudged him.

“Don’t worry about it,” he said.

Gligar stared at him for a moment, then turned his head towards Cryogonal, who had kept on walking to the main room. He then stopped at a door on the left side of the hallway and called back to them, “This is it!”

Gible and Gligar hurried over to him, and Cryogonal opened the door.

Inside the room were about 8 Pokemon sitting on a round sofa. All over the walls were paintings of famous Pokemon, and in the corner was a television with the news channel turned on. Among the Pokemon on the sofa, Gligar only recognized three: the long-eared brown one, Lopunny, the tall orange lizard, Charizard, and the short yellow one holding two spoons, Alakazam. The other 5 were Pokemon Gligar had never seen before.

As the three Pokemon walked in, Lopunny turned her head and saw them in the doorway. She waved to them.

The other 7 Pokemon looked to see what she was waving at, and some of them also waved, others just stared. And a green blob-looking Pokemon even stared at Gible with an angry look, as if with disgust.

Cryogonal looked around and said, “Right. Well... I’ll just be going, then.”

And he hovered away.

Lopunny hopped off the couch, came over and hugged Gligar and Gible.

“How’s it going, darlings?” she asked.

“Not too good, actually,” Gligar said. “We found out what happened last night, and that Absol got kidnapped. We wish we had been there to help. Right, Gible?”

Gible just blushed and started muttering something, staring at Lopunny.

Just then, one of the Pokemon sitting down stood up. It’s body was covered in thick steel, even it’s wings. It had two huge, razor sharp talons, and it’s beak was filled with pointed fangs.

“I doubt two children would have been able to do anything against an exploration team,” it said.

Charizard flared his nostrils. “As a matter of fact, Skarmory, these two are very strong battlers. I doubt you’d be able to defeat them.”

Skarmory smiled, showing his pointed teeth. “Please. Two un-evolved Pokemon like them wouldn’t stand a chance against--”

“Enough of this!” Alakazam said. Instantly, everyone was silent. Even Skarmory stopped talking. “There will be no arguing. Everyone here is capable of civilised conversation.”

Gible stopped staring at Lopunny and raised his hand. Alakazam looked at him a moment and his eyes widened.

“Oh... yes, would you like to speak?” he asked. “You needn’t have raised your hand, but your manners are appreciated.”

“Thank you,” Gible said. “I just think that we all should stop mocking each other with so much disrespect long enough so we can sort out what happened last night... We need to find away to stop it from happening again.”

The green blob-Pokemon nodded. “He is right... we must stop our petty disagreements long enough to solve this problem we have... and stop that exploration team from stealing from our stocks again.”

“Thank you, Reuniclus.” Alakazam said. “Now... Rhyperior, Skarmory and Drapion... if you’d follow me...”

Skarmory, along with a large Rock-type Pokemon and a purple scorpion, followed Alakazam out of the room, leaving Gible, Gligar, Charizard, Lopunny,
Reuniclus and a small pink Pokemon alone.

“Well,” said Reuniclus. “I suppose I’ll head to my quarters.”

And with that, he floated out the door.

The pink Pokemon got up. “I think I will too.”

“Good night, Porygon,” Lopunny said.

“Porygon blushed and giggled. “G-good night t-to you t-too, L-lopunny.”

Charizard looked at Gible and Gligar. “Shouldn’t you two be heading to bed, too?

Gible yawned. “Yeah, I am kind of tired.”

“I am too,” Gligar said.

“See you in the morning,” Lopunny said.

“Heh heh... see you... in the morning, Lopunny...” Gible said.
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Thanks for reading, guys.