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Pokemon Mystery Dungeon: Yet another fanfic

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Dibship

Always a Pokemon
Okay, so this a fanfic I wrote about Pokemon Mystery Dungeon. Based on the cartoon special and written along the lines of the game. I did this just for my pleasure so sorry if it's not descriptive enough.

Note: If you have written one similar to this, please do not think I am copying. I started writing this before I joined the forums.

Chapter 1 (obviously)​

Hi everyone. I’m Lewis, and I have a story to tell you. You might not believe it, I mean it is your opinion, but here it goes…

I’ve not always been like this. This all started two months ago, one morning in July. When I woke up, I felt rather odd. I felt really dizzy, like what happens when you spin round and round for ages, then stop. As I looked around me, I noticed that I was no longer in my bedroom. Instead, I was in a wood. There was a stream of running water just ahead of me. Slowly, I approached the river. I splashed the cool, refreshing water onto my body. And that’s when I noticed.
My hands were blue.
As I leapt back in amazement, I heard a ruffling in the bushes. Suddenly a Charmander ran out, puffing and panting.
“What are you doing here?” he said.
I just gaped.
“Come on, you should be back at the town,” the exhausted Pokemon continued. “Follow me!”
I didn’t, for I was too overcome by the shock of blue hands and a talking Charmander to obey. But a voice inside my head told me to. So before I left for an unknown destination, I looked at my reflection in the water.
I was a Squirtle.
 

Dibship

Always a Pokemon
Chapter 2

Not entirely happy with this one, but I will still go on.

Chapter 2​
I remember waking up in a pond, somewhere completely different, with the Charmander who found me and a Chikorita standing around me.
“He doesn’t look to well, Charmander,” the clearly worried Chikorita said. “Maybe we should get some Oran berries.”
“Sh, wait. I think he’s coming to.”
“Wha-?” I mumbled.
“You didn’t follow me,” Charmander explained. “So I came back to see what was wrong. I found you lying down, eyes closed. You looked as if you’d seen a ghost type Pokemon.”
I thought for a moment. Had I fainted?
“So we brought you back to our base,” continued Chikorita. “It’s not big, but its home, right Charmander?” She winked.
“Yep,” Agreed Charmander.
Although I was dazed, I could manage a few words.
“You don’t understand,” I said. “I’m not meant to be here. I’m not a Pokemon!”
“You’re funny!” Giggled Chikorita.
“But it’s true! I’m not! I’m a human!” I was furious now.
“Hey, cool it,” Charmander interrupted. “You must’ve had a bump on the head. Now eat some of these.”
He pulled two Persim berries from the branch of a tree.
“But these are for Pokemon!” I cried.
“That’s why I’m giving them to you,” He put the berries onto my hand.
Cautiously, I ate the berries. Then, a tingling sensation came over me! They were delicious! That was weird, because a few months ago I dared to try one, but at that time they tasted horrible. My mouth needed more, so I jumped up and began to pick more of the sweet-tasting nutrients from the tree they were growing on.
“Yum!” I exclaimed in delight.
“Now do you remember?” Chikorita asked.
“About what?” I stopped to look at her.
“You know, that you’re a Pokemon, always have been, always will be?”
“No!” I shouted. “I already told you! I’m not a Pokemon!”
“Um, anyways,” she continued. “We’ve got a rescue team, and we were wondering if you would like to join us.”
“But what are you rescuing others from?!”
“Various things. Other Pokemon, natural disasters. We’ve had a lot of those recently.”
They nodded in unison.
“Well…”
“We’ll give you lots of Persim berries.”
“Then it’s a deal!”
 

Dibship

Always a Pokemon
Chapter 3

The shortest EVER!

Chapter 3​
“This is a Team Red rescue force meeting,” Announced Chikorita the next day. “We have a new member joining our team today. His name is Lewis. That’s a funny name!” she added with a giggle.
“There’s only two of us,” I said to Charmander. “Why does she have to do this?”
“She enjoys it.” He whispered back.
“Oh.”
“And here’s our first mission,” Chikorita continued. “Here’s what it says,” she paused to clear her throat and read: “Please help me. I am being held prisoner by Skarmory. I am up on Mount Diglett. Hurry! Signed, Pikachu.”
“Well what are we waiting for,” I said. “Let’s go!”
 
Description is eh... non existant. What's Charmander look like? Chikorita? What Barries? Were they made of Dirt? What do the Pernsm Berries look like? What do they Do? Whos saying what? Its Vaugeness run rampent in here.


Also, I dont even think All three CHapters togeher amount to 2 pages on Word, witch is TWICE the minum requirement (IIRC) For a normal Chapter. There all too short. Espcialy the third one.
 

DarkPersian479

Well-Known Member
I normally don't review PMD fics but...

Not entirely happy with this one, but I will still go on.
If you're not happy with it, DON'T POST IT! Keep going through it, revising until you feel it's good enough to be seen by the public eye.

The shortest EVER!
And completely unacceptable. A SINGLE chapter must be about three pages in MS Word minimum.

This reads like script and is lacking description. Of course you've already been told that. Also, you need to hit enter twice for paragraphing. When a new character speaks, it needs to be a new paragraph.

Please read the rules for the basics. A trip to the Advice thread and some good, established fics wouldn't hurt, either.

Please, please, make Chapter 4 at least decent.
 

Draconis

Currently active.
Way too short. None of your so called "chapters" are even long enough to pass as a prologue. There is no description at all, the whole fic is basically just a poor rip-off of the Mystery Dungeon special that recently aired on television.

I highly suggest you read the rules, and advice for aspiring authors threads, type your fic in a proper word program, and not the reply box. Don't try and use the tired old excuse "this is my first fic", because that is no reason for you to ignore the threads I just mentioned, which happen to be conviently stickied at the top of the fic section.
 

Psychic

Really and truly
...The Stickies are around to help you, dear. Advice for Aspiring Authors helps more than you may think, and if you read the Rules, you'd see why this fic is generally not accepted.

Think of a chapter as a single episode in a TV show. The chapter has to be long enough so that it would last a half an hour. The equivalent to this is about two pages on Microsoft Word.
Here, you have a few paragraphs- easily less than half a page. That is a big no-no.


To make the chapters longer: not only make more events take place, but use description- tell us what the characters, surroundings and objects look like. It might sound stupid to you, but we can't read your mind. We don't know what anything looks like unless you tell us. Besides, maybe your idea of a Squirtle is different than ours- maybe you think their shells are orange, but we can't remember properly, so we readers think their shells are yellow. But what if, for example, you wanted this Squirtle to be different from other ones, so you imagined there being red markings on the shell- well, we wouldn't know unless you told us! Or what if we imagine that the story takes place in the night time, and the forest is mostly dead, with spider webs hanging about the trees that are devoid of leaves and the water being dirty with Magikarp corpses floating about.
Is that how you envisioned the wood? I have no idea because you didn't tell me!

Also, you need to do more describing of the characters' actions and emotions. I'm not getting any emotion from them, and it's hard to imagine what they're doing. Are they happy, solemn, nervous, what? You need to work on portraying, showing us this.

On that note, the characters are currently very hollow and dull. They have little personality, and because of the lack of description they seem to have little if any emotion. I don't mean that you should say outright "Chikorita liked attention, so she always called meetings even though the only people on the team were her and Charmander." because that's just stupid. Remember that this isn't television, so we can't figure everything out by the way the characters talk and move unless you TELL US how they talk and move.

Also, randomly adding in facts and such, like "That was weird, because a few months ago I dared to try one, but at that time they tasted horrible." If you want to do something like that, you can incorporate it into a flashback, or just have the main character be thinking to himself 'Huh, that's odd. I tried one of these berries the other day, but...it had tasted horrible! But now it's delicious!' and yes, use Italics when someone is thinking. This adds in some character perspective and shows that they're not just mindless, emotionless drones.


The plot is...well, so far it isn't very new or interesting or exciting. It sounds like the exact same plot of the games, with the same missions, only you're adding and changing names and so on. Try being somewhat original instead of blatantly ripping off the canon- nobody wants to read through a game/show when they can play/watch the same thing.



You just....need to learn about FanFiction. Instead of rushing to post whatever comes to mind, think through your chapters and go over them at least twice, looking for spelling and grammar mistakes (which I did see) as well as places where you can add in description and character development. But before even this, LOOK AROUND THE FORUM. See what other people are doing and how they do it, look at the Rules and any other thread at the top of the page that says 'Sticky' next to it.

But since you got off to such a bad start, this will probably get closed unless you could improve on the next chapter by listening to the things your reviewers tell you. ^.~


~Psychic
 

Sybot

Well-Known Member
Don't double post. The whole point of describing is to help people imagine it. Compare these:

This is Fred.

This is Bob. He has brown hair, blue eyes and is wearing a T-shirt and shorts.

Which of those is easier to imagine? If you don't describe, then we can't create the same image that you have of your characters. Don't get angry at people who are trying to give you constructive criticism.
 

Yami Ryu

Well-Known Member
People people. People. This person Dibship is one of those that DOESN'T want advice. So this is what you do.

Dibship, I am your worst nightmare. Your lame excuses don't work on me. Your trite chapters were written up in the reply box, you have no concept of what real writing is, you don't give a flying rock what real writing is. You haven't read the rules or Advice for Aspiring Authors which might have helped you get more than the poorest of most basic grasps of what writing is, instead of just stringing words along in blocks of text, and expecting people to like it.

Now I am just going to REPORT you.

Have a nice day.
 

Psychic

Really and truly
Dibship said:
Well if you don't like it then I'll just stop posting it!
Lame. Lame lame lame lame lame.


Maybe you SHOULD stop posting it, then. If you can't take some simple constructive criticism, you shouldn't be here and you shouldn't be posting a fic that anyone can see.
Can't take the heat? Get the Hell out of the kitchen. Nobody likes a whiner.



Dibship said:
Oh yeah, and I'm not describing it so you can IMAGINE it!!!
If JK Rowling didn't describe Hogwarts, it would be hard to imagine it ourselves. Use that puny excuse for a brain and THINK. Don't you think that it would be nicer? That it would make the fic better?

The only reason a person whould skimp out on description is because they're LAZY. Yes, you are LAZY. It isn't a matter of wanting the readers to figure it out for themselves- it's a matter of you being LAZY. You are a LAZY, LAZY person. You are so LAZY you can't even read the rules. You are so LAZY you can't even put more than five minutes of effort into your fic.



Improve, or get a ban. That's how it works. But it looks like you've lost your chances thanks to those two remarks.

Nice going.


~Psychic
 

Dragonfree

Just me
Okay, it doesn't look like there's any hope for you.

If you can't read rules and take criticism, you don't belong at a forum, dear.
 
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