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Pokemon Rainbow

My second try. Hopefully this one is more like a traditional fanfic. Again, its based off of the storyline of fangame I'm working on, so expect new Pokemon, regions, items, and characters.

Chapter 1- Beginnings
The wind sweeps gently across a grassy plain. To the north there are dense, quiet forests, to the west, a mighty mountain range, and to the southeast, a vast ocean. There is a flock of large birds high above, but they don’t really look like normal birds. There is also a school of fish propelling themselves out of the water in the vast ocean, but they don’t really look like normal fish. At the bottom of a hill one can see a pleasant little village, with maybe six buildings in total. Among the well kept houses, there is a small shop and two slightly larger buildings. Two young boys and a girl exit one of them through a glass door, directly underneath a large white and red colored ball. The kids joke around as they head for the edge of town.

“Nidorino are way tougher than Nidorina!” the older boy argues.

“You’re wrong! I’ll get a Nidorina someday and show you!” shouts the girl.

They reach a clean white fence and proceed to climb over it. Once on the other side, the older boy pushes the younger and soon they’re all running through the flowers, in a game of tag. The young girl is soon it, running across the edge of the field, closely followed by the two boys. Suddenly, she trips over a gopher hole and is sent face first into a thick bush.

But then the bush moves. The girl watches as two beady eyes slowly open in front of her. The strange bush looks rather annoyed and sends out two extra long limbs to grab hold of the girl with. She struggles to get free, but to no avail. The big boy starts hurling rocks at the bush and manages to distract it. It lets go of the girl and instead sends a flurry of sharp leaves in the boys’ direction. The terrified girl is able to control herself and runs back towards the town, which she calls “Pallet.” The boys are soon behind her, but the angry bush is not inclined to pursue them.

“Whew, that was close! I’m glad we got away,” says the younger boy as he wipes his brow. He looks over at the girl, whose face is still pale. “You alright?” he asks.

“Yeah, I guess. But what was that freaky Pokémon?”

“I dunno, but I bet it was a grass type. Maybe if we brought a lighter next time…”

But the boy doesn’t finish his sentence. A deep, shrill, almost hiss-like noise echoes across the plain. All the children jump, and turn around to see something shimmering across the sky, headed in their direction.

“I think it’s a Pokémon,” the older boy responds, in awe.

As it gets closer, the kids can make out a giant flying insect. Its blue-green scales are shimmering in the brilliant sun and the sound of the beast’s rapidly moving wings is becoming deafening. It nears, and the trio comes to the realization that it’s heading directly towards them.

The three simultaneously dart towards the fence. The monster insect lets out a mighty screech, and the girl drops to her knees.

“Come on!!” the boy shouts as he pulls the girl up. But he soon pushes her down again as they duck to narrowly avoid the monster’s talons when it passes over them.

The younger boy is still heading towards the fence with all his strength when the beast closes in behind him. Its powerful talons sink into the young boy’s shoulders as he is lifted into the air at the mercy of the oversized insect. It veers to the right and carries the boy towards the northern forest.

The two remaining children break down in tears as their companion disappears into the horizon. Doors open as several residents come outside to see what has caused all the commotion. The older boy composes himself and jumps the fence again. He runs up to a middle-aged man with a red hat and a goatee who has just emerged from one of the bigger buildings, the one that says “LAB” on its side. He tells the man what has just come to pass. The man listens intently, with a worried but controlled look on his face.

As the boy finishes his story, the man pulls a small red and white ball off of his belt, similar to the one on the large building, except much smaller. In a flick his wrist he presses a button on the side and releases a massive fiery bird. The bird is large enough for the man to hop on its back. Miraculously, he is unharmed by the intense flames, and is able to send the bird speeding towards the northern forest, leaving behind a wake of fire. As the man heads towards the horizon, he picks up a strange electronic device from his belt and starts dialing a number.

******
 
Chapter 2- Your Own Adventure Unfolds

The two children break down into tears again. At this point, the entire town is congregating by the fence, piecing together what each of them saw. Several of them pull out electronic devices and proceed to call close friends and relatives. Parents send their children back inside and a few people send more large birds out of their red and white balls in order to follow the man who is already in pursuit of the enormous dragonfly.

The boy and girl eventually run back to their respective homes, shaken up by the sudden and shocking ordeal. Beau reaches his own door and runs up the stairs to find the rooms empty, then heads back down to the kitchen. He discovers his mom frying a batch of bacon for that day’s lunch. She notices him standing in the hall with his horrified visage and reaches out her arms to comfort him.

“What’s the matter Beau? Did you hurt yourself? Where’d dad go off to?” she asks, in a comforting but somewhat uninterested tone.

Beau breaks down once again as he describes the events of his brother’s disappearance. His mother listens in shock and despair. Her son, her darling son, taken away at the hand of a mighty, vicious beast! Beau finishes up his tale, but his mom is speechless, almost disbelieving.

“It’s ok Beau. Ivan will be fine. Whatever happened to him, Dad can take care of it. Dad’s a very capable trainer, a master at Pokémon, in fact.”

Just then, a ringing noise comes from a device on her belt, one that we’ve seen earlier. It’s a PokéQuip, the newest in PokéGear technology by Silph Co, which she has been saving up to buy for almost a year now. She picks up a small white hand piece and presses a button. She listens for a while. At one point her face goes pale white; at another, she gives forth a sign of relief. She finally hangs up, leaving Beau curious as to what she has heard.

“It’s fine. Your dad is close behind Ivan,” she responds assuringly to his inquisitive gaze. “He said that he’s caught up with the bird and is tailing it now. That’s why he had to hang, because he will get Ivan back any moment. Soon. They’ll be back in an hour or two.”

Uncertain, Beau heads back up to his room. He flops onto the bed and turns on the TV to keep his mind off of his brother. He grabs the remote and switches on the radio. It’s the Pokemon March again. He’s so sick of that song, it’s so overplayed. He turns that off and watches a battle between Hall of Famer Bruno and a newer trainer called AJ. Beau admires AJ’s smooth and prepared battle style, hoping he could battle like that one day. Bruno just can’t seem to throw AJ off guard. Beau begins to doze off as Bruno’s Steelix tunnels underneath the arena and AJ’s Sandslash gets ready to unleash an Earthquake. But Beau’s not thinking of the battle, he’s dreaming of battling his own Pokemon against AJ one day.

******
 
It's short... very short.

Be more descriptive, it's like the action is going way too fast. Give time to readers to get in your story. Describe how they feel. For readers, reading a story has to be like when we see a movie, we have a clear image of what's happening in our mind...
 

nashie1

Well-Known Member
Stick to past tense. It's easier for newbie writers like yourself. Your chapters are too short, chapter 2 especially.
If by traditional you mean journey (like in the games) then forget it. Its used too much and doesnt show any originality. Needs more description to.
 

sandos

Don't Blink
Considering it has three stars, these comments are a bit negative...but I have to agree. I like the fact you have invanted new stuff, but you need more description. For example, PokeQuip sounds good, but you didn't describe it. And, the characters are not described. Plus the chapters are way too short. Sorry. Keep trying!

~sandos;448;
 
Ok, I'll make the chapters longer for sure. I can also change it if you don't like the lack of information, but I was purposefully holding stuff back, to be explained in further chapters. You're not really supposed to know what's going on yet, or who the characters are and what they are like, to add mystery and a reason to keep reading. These are just the first couple chapters, they're meant to be fast-paced and unrevealing.

And I really hate reading how characters feel in real novels, but I suppose it's necessary and I'll have to get over it.
 

nashie1

Well-Known Member
Ok, I'll make the chapters longer for sure. I can also change it if you don't like the lack of information, but I was purposefully holding stuff back, to be explained in further chapters. You're not really supposed to know what's going on yet, or who the characters are and what they are like, to add mystery and a reason to keep reading. These are just the first couple chapters, they're meant to be fast-paced and unrevealing.

And I really hate reading how characters feel in real novels, but I suppose it's necessary and I'll have to get over it.

Yeah it is kinda neccesary to show how they feel. Personally if a fic has no description then I feel it worthless to read on but my opinion doesnt reflect everyone.
 
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