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Pokemon Ranger Adventures

IcyDragon0605

Look over there!
This fic will contain no material that is unsafe for kids. This is my first fic so I am a little nervous. I decided that this would keep me busy and something to think about. I have a few notes before you read. I based these characters off off me and my family. Drew = Me (not my actual name), Chrissy = my mother. This fic was inspired by Pokemon Ranger Shadows of Almia. Capture methods, Poke-assists, and other strategies come from Pokemon Ranger.

Prologue
This grand tale is about three heroes who have dreams of helping people and Pokemon in the Region of Hazard. This trio consists of two boys and one girl. The younger boy is named Drew, he is twelve years old and has a good heart. He is a bit short for his age and has red spikey hair. His face is always smilling and has brown eyes. The girl is named Chrissy, she is also twelve years old. She is an inch taller than Drew and has long blond hair. The older boy is named Andy, he is thirteen years old. He is very tall for his age and has short black hair with blue highlights.

This trio grew up together in Morrison town. Morrison town is a small town with about seven or eight houses. The town is surronded by a forest with one path leading out to the rest of the world. All the adults had jobs in Leekuns City. With all the adults at work, the children had to watch after themselves and stay in a group until their parents came home.

Drew, Chrissy, and Andy pretended to be Pokemon Rangers while their parents were working. They would use sticks for styluses and their imagination to save Pokemon all over the world. One day, the threesome wanted to help Pokemon so much they talked their parents into sending them to Ranger School. Now that they were at the school, what would they do with the knowledge?


I hoped you liked it, please point out errors.
 
Last edited:

sweet_piplup123

I lost the game?!?!
Hmm...I see you solved the problem of no indents on this forum with another way:D
This story will turn out good, but just becareful not to stick too much to the real game, or else it'll be boring.
Although you describled your characters thoroughly, you could've add some conversation between them or something.
Forgive me if I am being harsh.
 
OK, I have very little time; so, I'l point out one or two things.

Drew = Me (not my actual name), Chrissy = my mother.
Self-inserts usually don't make the best of characters, even if they don't have your name. They tend to be Mary Sue/ Gary Stu -ish. An original trainer/ person would most likely be a much better alternative.

Besides, if 'Drew' and 'Chrissy' have a pre-teen relationship, it might be... o_O

The younger boy is named Drew, he is twelve years old and has a good heart. He is a bit short for his age and has red spikey hair. His face is always smilling and has brown eyes. Drew tends to be irrespondable and tends to forget things.The girl is named Chrissy, she is also twelve years old and has a sassy attitude. She is an inch taller than Drew and has long blond hair. She has blue eyes and is normally grinning. Chrissy also tends to be sarcastic but still has a good heart. The older boy is named Andy, he is thirteen years old and is very serious about everything he does. He is very tall for his age and has short black hair with blue highlights. Andy has brown eyes and is normally smiling or grinning.
Here, you have ruined all the suprised for us finding out about your characters. Show us how they work, what makes them tick, rather than recounting it in bland detail. As many people around here (and elsewhere) say: show, don't tell.

Quick tip: The 'indents' don't really work. They detract from the story and should really be done with a line between paragraphs.

Thanks. PocketmonMaster.
 

Breezy

Well-Known Member
Well for starters, "prolugue" isn't a word. That alone just shows that you aren't using a basic word processor (which is highly recommended - if not required here - that you use). Using a word processor (besides word pad or note pad) helps you spruce up those easily spotted typos.

Alternatively, instead of your odd underscore way of indenting, hit the enter button twice to space out your paragraphs (though creative way of trying to avoid the block o' text).

Anyway...

Your "prolugue" is more of a summary than an actual prologue. Prologues usually provide background information that precedes the actual event/story. For example, your prologue could consist of your three characters playing around and pretending to be rangers before actually going to school to become one. Or something.

A summary is what you did: providing a basic idea of your story and a very blunt, choppy, not-that-good description of your characters. And let's think about it. Why couldn't you include your character description and setting in a first chapter instead?

Your description is meh. Have their been worst? Of course. But that doesn't mean you can't improve yours.

The younger boy is named Drew, he is twelve years old and has a good heart. He is a bit short for his age and has red spikey hair. His face is always smilling and has brown eyes. Drew tends to be irrespondable and tends to forget things.
Your description is very HE IS THIS, HE IS THAT. Try not making it so blocky and choppy. Don't just tell me that he is always smiling; show me.

Ex) A young twelve year old boy ran down the street, his brown eyes fixed on his two friends waiting for him. The pair noticed his spiky red hair from miles away. As he came closer, they noticed that his brown eyes were wide and a huge smile was etched across his face.

As for telling me his personality, you can show me that as well, whether it's in description or dialogue:

Ex) "Darn," Drew muttered. "I forgot my stylus back home!"

Try reading some other stories and Advice for Aspiring Authors (sticky on the top of the threads) to get a good idea of what's expected and how to improve yourself.

Good luck. =)
 

IcyDragon0605

Look over there!
OK, I have very little time; so, I'l point out one or two things.



Self-inserts usually don't make the best of characters, even if they don't have your name. They tend to be Mary Sue/ Gary Stu -ish. An original trainer/ person would most likely be a much better alternative.

Besides, if 'Drew' and 'Chrissy' have a pre-teen relationship, it might be... o_O



Here, you have ruined all the suprised for us finding out about your characters. Show us how they work, what makes them tick, rather than recounting it in bland detail. As many people around here (and elsewhere) say: show, don't tell.

Quick tip: The 'indents' don't really work. They detract from the story and should really be done with a line between paragraphs.

Thanks. PocketmonMaster.
Thanks for that, Drew and Chrissy don't have that type of relationship.... It will probably be awhile before I make Chapter 1.
 

Kindrindra

大事なのは自分らしいくある事
WHAT! Darn, you made a ranger fic before I did! Oh, well...
So that's how you defeat the auto align! But still, it often is easier to read storys with a blank line between sentences. I'm not going to include any other crit, cause the people above have already done everything else, and I'm not really a grammer reviewer. I will be waiting for the next chapter!


See Ya Later!
 

Torpoleon

Well-Known Member
Well, it seems like a pretty good prolouge but isn't it and every chapter supposed to be longer. Overall, it was very descriptive but you can describe what they do hen they pretend to be Rangers.
 
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