Pokemon Regions: The new champion and Coordinator!

[pharaohguy530]

YO! Pharaohguy530 here. This isn't my first time writing a fan fic, but I am sort of an amatur. Here is the prologue. All I ask though, don't critize me so much, just tell me what I can do to make it better.

Prologue: It was an incredible day for Billy. He was finally 14! His mother didn't let him start a journey at 10 since she thought he was too young, but his dad let him go at this age! He leaves his house with 3,000 dollars, 5 pokeballs, and other stuff for Oak's Lab. He has been waiting this day for his entire life, to start out with a pokemon and to win the Kanto Grand Festival and the Kanto Championships. So he leaves for Oak's lab. Entering the Lab, he sees the incredible Professor Oak suffering with his next project. Still trying to crack the code of the GS ball, he notices his student, Billy at the door, and realizes that Billy will be the one to help him solve this mystery.........(end of Prologue)

Any suggestions? Its kinda short, and not to good.......The chapters will be better though.

Billy's Profile: ;004; : Lv. 8 Moveset: Inferno Fireblast, ember, scratch, growl
Shiny ;151; : Lv. 10 Moveset: Shockwave, transform, pound, ???
;022; : Lv. 20 Moveset: Drill Peck, aerial ace, peck, growl

 

[KC, Pokemon Master]

YO! Pharaohguy530 here. This isn't my first time writing a fan fic, but I am sort of an amatur. Here is the prologue. All I ask though, don't critize me so much, just tell me what I can do to make it better.

Okay, I won't criticise too hard. However, I found nothing wrong with your prologue, just a few mechanical errors.


Prologue: It was an incredible day for Billy. He was finally 14! His mother didn't let him start a journey at 10 since she thought he was to young, but his dad let him go at this age! He leaves his house with 3,000 dollars, 5 pokeballs, and other stuff for Oak's Lab. He has been waiting for this day for his entire life, to start out with a pokemon and to win the Kanto Grand Festival and the Kanto Championships. So he leaves for Oaks lab. Entering the Lab, he sees the incredible Professor Oak suffering with his next project. Still trying to crack the code of the GS ball, he notices his student, Billy at the door, and realizes that Billy will be the one to help him solve this mystery.........(end of Prologue)

Here are the corrections to the mistakes I noticed, in order of appearance. They are all bolded and underlined above.

The "to" that I highlighted needs to be "too", as in "too young".

Consider deleting this "for", because it seems slightly unneccessary.

Needs to be "Oak's", add an apostrophe.

Any suggestions? Its kinda short, and not to good.......The chapters will be better though.

But yeah, nothing else at fault here. Even though it's short, this prologue gets to the point and reveals a promising tale, waiting for us ahead. Consider working on the length, and everything'll be good. Maybe make seperate paragraphs, and elaborate and flesh out ideas.

Good luck with the rest of your fic, hope yours becomes popular, and I anxiously await Chapter 1!
-KC

 

[pharaohguy530]

Ok. Thanks KC. I'll post the next chapter tommorrow, after school. Because I am so tired. Thanks for the errors. Chapter 1 will definatly be longer though. I'll edit this post and put the chapter. Here is the title though.
Chapter 1: Mystery of the GS Ball! Billy's Starter!
As oak sits at his desk, trying to figure out the mystery of the GS ball, he sees his student and good friend, Billy. Greeting him, The adventure truly begins.
Oak: Ah Billy! Its so good to see you. What are you doing here?
Billy: Well, I here to finally get my first pokemon!
Oak: Really? Congrats! I'll go and get the starters! *runs downstairs*
Billy: Don't fall old man!
Oak: *yells* Ha ha. Very funny! Bring that GS ball downstairs, will you?
Billy grabs the ball in his hands and realizes that it is.....opening! The light fills the room, and the incredible, ancient power fills the room, with powers like none ever seen. The ball opens, and out comes a mew! A shiny mew to be exact.
Billy: OMG. Woah. A mew! A shiny mew! My gosh! Its so cool!
Oak: I saw the lights and.....The GS ball! Its open! And a shiny mew! My gosh!
Billy: I know! Isn't it cool?
Mew: <Whee! I'm free! Thanks Billy! Thank you! I'll be a good pokemon! Whee!>
Oak: You'll be able to keep it. I'll let you choose a starter too.
Billy: Really? I'll take Charmander then.
Oak: Take this pokedex and Pokenav. It has all the maps and regions in it. Good luck!
Billy: Thank you. So much. I'll see you!
Oak: Have fun!
After Leaving Pallet Town, Billy decides to train. But it starts to get boring.
Billy: This has been the 10th pokemon we beat. I'm thinking that there is only Pidgey and Rattata here......
Mew: <You bet!>
Billy: Thanks for the positive reinforcement, Mew.....
Charmander: <Well. Things are about to get interesting. A trainer!>
???: Hey you! Yeah you! Lets battle!
Billy: Finally! Something exiciting!
------------------------------------------------------------
PKMN Trainer Mikey vs. PKMN Trainer Billy
Billy: Lets show him what ultimate power is! Go mew and charmander!
Mikey: I'll beat you! Go Pidgey and Rattata!
Billy: Mew! Use shock wave!
Mikey: What?
Pidgey was destroyed by the shock wave.
Mikey: Augh!!!! Return!
Billy: Charmander! Ember!
Quick attack hits charmander and does incredible damage, and Charmander uses his anger to create a powerful blow, Inferno Fireblast!
Mikey: No....I lost......
End of Battle!
---------------------------------------------------------------
Billy: Incredible job Mew! Awesome Charmander!
Mew: <Whee! We won! We won! We won!>
Charmander: <Yeah.....woo.....I.....*faints*>
Billy: Mew return! Charmander! Charmander? Charmander! Oh no! *picks up and starts running*
As Billy runs through Route 1 he sees a storm starting, and then sees that charmander's tail is slowly going out. About to return him, a lighting shock breaks the ball.
Billy: OH my gosh! I can't believe that! Now I need to carry you all the way there!
As he runs for his pokemon's life, a flock of spearow appears.......
Billy: OMG! A flock of spearow! And there evolved form, Fearow! Not cool!
Fearow tries to take the charmander, as the lighting hits. Charmander, seeing that his trainer is protecting him, uses inferno fireblast and faints most of the spearow, and the fearow is suffering.
Billy: Woo! Good work Charmander! Oh right! Pokeball go!
*ping*
*ping*
*ping*
Gotcha! Fearow was caught!
Billy: We did it! We captured Fearow!
Picking up Charmander, the storm ends, and Ho-oh is seen in the sky. The incredible pokemon is explained by the pokedex and Billy realizes that this world will be a great adventure for him. Now entering the city, billy goes to learn about the world, and to heal his pokemon.
(end of chapter 1)
Finally done! Rate and critize please! Thank you!
The next chapter: Viridian City! Ribbons and Badges!

 

[Zero X]

Billy: Well, I'm here to finally get my first pokemon!