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Pokemon: Rising from Despair

Torkoal

What? Exactly
Chapter 1: Test Anxiety
As the girl walked to her seat she remembered everything that had led up

to this point. She was a pokemon trainer, taking a test that was needed to

face Roxanne and only the best could do it. She began to sweat as she

thought about the fact that many of the trainers in the room were older

and more experienced than she, after all she was only six. She then

looked down and saw the test sitting on her desk. An announcement was

made on a speaker above. It said,


“Participants in the gym leader challenge exam will soon begin. Please do

not begin your test until instructed to do so.”

The voice sounded like a recording and she decided to scope out the

competition. As she looked around many others were doing the same. She

noticed that many of the ones that saw her laughed and began whispering

to the other participants in mocking tones. She had gotten used to this and

had grown accustomed to having no support other than that of her

Pokemon. They were her only friends, ever since “it” happened. She put

her head on the chair and looked at the ceiling as she stared at it and

thought about that day for what seemed like the millionth time. When she

was a toddler she lived in Cinnabar.


She was out on her dad’s boat with her Charmander, Rex and her dad.

They were out fishing and having fun together, but then a large booming

sound coming from the island. She looked at the island and it seemed

peaceful enough. Then the shockwave from the booming sound reached her

boat. It created very choppy waves, and the sea became rough and larger

waves appeared. Then another booming sound came. This time from the

mountain, and as she looked at it she saw--.


A girl burst into the gym and had a look on her face of arrogance and a

happy grin. Soon after a large number of people followed her. She had

been one of the earlier arrivals, but now the place was packed. The loud,

stupid looking girl followed Roxanne around like an idiot. Many of the

people in the room looked at her and began snickering.

“At least they’re not laughing at me now” the girl thought. She turned her

attention to her paper as she tried to ignore the idiot girl.

She answered the questions to the best of her knowledge now thinking

back to her days studying with her grandmother. After “it” happened, she

had studied with her Grandmother for three years, learning about being a

pokemon trainer. Although most kids her age were playing in mud, she had

no interest in such pointless activities, much preferring doing things that

would get her closer to her dream of being the best. She remembered how

her grandmother, who nagged her constantly do study, had in fact helped

her, and made her a better, stronger, and smarter person.

She answered the questions with ease and afterward turned in her test.

She noticed that she had gotten done much earlier than most of the others,

so she asked one of the assistants if she could get some ice cream. One of

them pointed out the window to an ice cream cart across the street. She

thanked the person and went outside and got her ice cream. She returned

to find that she had been pranced. The doors were locked and she couldn’t

get in. she could her snickering from the other side of the door, and

slammed the door as hard as her six-year-old hands could. She eventually

gave up and ran away crying. She ran into a forest and sat down at a tree

and her crying had turned into sobbing. She sat there sobbing for quite

some time until she heard voices. She hid in a bush and looked to see

whom they were coming from. She saw three people in red uniforms

talking. She listened intently and intrigued.

“So what now?”

“I guess we’ll go back to the boss.”

“Wait till those Aqua suckers realize the trap we set for them.”

“I’d love to see the look on their faces.”

“Those losers don’t even realize that we’re about to make a little repeat

performance of the Cinnabar Plan!”

The girl got a wide eyed look on her face. She now knew that she had to

hear this.

“With the boss’ plan we’ll erupt Mt. Chimney just like Cinnabar!”

“And remember even if this fails, we still have the Meteorite Plan!”

“Mt. Chimney is going to erupt, Aqua will look like fools, and our plan of

expanding land mass will come another step closer to fruition!” “The girl

now once again remembered “It”.


She was on her boat with her friend and her dad, the waves were huge

and she had just heard another loud sound and was thinking to herself that

the last loud sound they heard had created her current predicament and

knew that this one meant things were about t get worse. Then she heard a

sound like fireworks. She looked up and not fireworks, but balls of flaming

ash were flying through the sky. Her dad tried to steady the boat by

working the sail but a flaming ball of ash went through it and caught it on

fire. Then a large wave hit the boat and knocked everyone to the side. The

girl was holding her companion in her arms tightly, trying to protect it. The

wave had knocked her around the ship, but then she looked up. Everything

looked fine, but then she noticed that her father wasn’t there. She ran to

the sides and looked out into the sea. Her dad had been thrown overboard

by the wave and was now gasping for his life, against the raging ocean. He

was a strong man and she believed in him. He looked at her and she at him

and they stared at each other for a moment, but then he got a look of fear

in his eyes. Her companion recognized what was going on and leaped from

his owner’s arms and pushed her. She fell and her companion jumped on

her. She thought he had gone mad and was attacking her but then she

noticed that the flaming mast had given way and would have crushed her if

Rex hadn’t pushed her out of the way. Then she remembered her father.

She looked back out to see, and saw him go under. As he fell beneath the

waves, with his last words he shouted his daughter’s name, “Lulu!!!”

She cried then like no person should ever have to, and fell to her knees in

despair. She had been traumatized by that memory and her childhood

ended that day. She became serious in everything she did and was very

protective of everything she held dear, which was not much, but the horror

did not stop there. The entire boat had now caught on fire. Her Charmander

had gone inside and came back out dragging with all its might, a wooden

table. It then broke off the legs and nudged Lulu and signaled for her to get

on. Rex threw the table in the water and it floated. He grabbed one of the

legs and handed one to Lulu and jumped on. Lulu jumped as well, and they

rowed to the island. The shower of fire continued. Rex as if with strength it

didn’t even know it had batted away the fireballs with powerful Metal Claw

attacks. They eventually made it to the island and there found the entire

town destroyed, save the Pokemon Center. She walked in. there were a

few people there. They all looked up to see Lulu and Rex standing there.

They got up and ran over to them and hugged them. Lulu hugged them back

and began crying again, but this time in joy.

One of the people said, “We’re so happy you’re all right! Everyone here was

the only ones to survive and we thought we had lost you. Where’s your

father?”

Lulu looked down and began crying. The townsfolk put their hands to their

mouths in shock. After a good while of crying she looked up and around the

room. She walked up to one of the people who had been her neighbor and

asked, “Where’s my mommy?”

the whole room got silent and everyone looked down. Lulu realized what

had happened. She hugged Rex tight and began crying once more. Rex,

who was normally tough and arrogant, joined her in mourning. She cried

until she had no more tears and then looked around the room. She saw

their neighbor sitting in a corner staring at something in his hands. She

walked over to him and peered over his shoulder. It was a picture of his

family. He looked at her and grabbed her. He cried over her shoulder. She

gathered up the courage to ask him, “What are we going to do now?” “…I

don’t know Lulu. I don’t know.” She went over to the front desk and reached

her small hand over the top and wrung the bell. The Nurse manning it

peered over the desk and looked down to see the girl and her Charmander

standing there.

“Where do I go now?”

“There’s a fairy coming from the mainland to take everyone there. We’ll

figure out what relatives you have and you’ll live with one of them.”

As the woman said the fairy came and took them to the town of Pallet.

They determined that Lulu’s grandmother was the best person for her to

live with. She rode a bus to Lavaridge where her grandmother lived. She

lived there for three years. Her grandmother was a kind and caring person,

but Lulu insisted that she be her teacher for her stay there. So her

grandmother taught Lulu about being a pokemon trainer which was her only

passion now. Lulu also caught a Torkoal in her stay there that she named

Puff. It became her second companion. Back in the present, Lulu had

decided it was her duty to stop these criminals fr5om fulfilling their plans.

They had gotten far ahead while Lulu was thinking about her past. She

jumped out from the bush and ran at them with a rage like none she had

ever felt.

She stopped and pointed at them as she yelled, “I’m going to make you

pay!”

the group of three looked back to see the six-year-old glaring at them and

laughed. “Ha, ha, ha, ha, sure you will, kid. Well, what if I don’t want to

pay? Are you going to make me, brat?” “I’ll do more than that, I’ll avenge

my parents!”

“And what did we ever do to your parents?”

“You killed them, you murderers!”

“Many people have died in the pursuit of our goal. Your parents were

needed sacrifices to make our boss’ dream a reality.”

“And what dream is that?”

“To expand land mass, to give people and pokemon more room to live and

prosper.”

“You people are sick!”

“You merely do not understand our vision, and it looks like we’ll have to

show you; the hard way.”

“Fine with me.” “Very well. Go Sandslash!” “Go Numel!” “Go Macargo!” a

large spiked creature, a camel with a hole on its back, and a snail made of

lava appeared. “Go Rex and Puff!” An orange lizard with a flaming tail and

an orange Tortoise appeared.




Chapter 2: Rock Bottom

“Macargo! Go into your shell!”

“Sandslash! Pick up Macargo and throw him at Rex!”

The Sandslash hurled the Macargo at Rex with amazing force. “Rex, dodge

it!”
But it was too late, the snail hit into the Lizard Pokemon with great force.

Rex got up and had a look of anger in his eyes. Numel! Use Magnitude on

Puff!” Torkoal use Body Slam!”

The tortoise jumped high into the air, avoiding the magnitude attack and

came crashing down on the Numel. Sandslash! Use swift!”

“Macargo! Use Fire Spin!”

the two attacks intertwined creating one giant attack. “Puff!” intercept it

and use Iron Defense!”

Puff jumped into the attack’s path with his shell facing the incoming stream

of fire and energy. He went into his shell.

“Rex, grab puff and hold him like a shield!”

Rex grabbed his partner and held him. The attack made contact. Rex dug

his feet into the ground and with all his might held the deadly combo back.

The attack was about to stop when Lulu said, “Rex, use Metal Claw on both

of them!"

Rex ducked under the attack. Puff was sent into a tree behind him. He

came out of his shell and slid down the tree, a bit dazed but all right. Rex

ran with the skill of a ninja in between the two pokemon that had launched

the attack and slashed them with a mighty Metal Claw. They got up not

willing to go down.

“Macargo, Use Rollout! Sandslash, give Macargo a push!” Sandslash

grabbed its partner and threw it with a mighty underhand toss. Lulu was in

a pickle. Then she got an idea to stop Macargo in its tracks. “Puff, use

Sludge Bomb on Macargo and keep it up!” Puff shot a barrage of balls of

sludge at the snail. The sludge slowly began building up on it and the

stickiness began slowing it down, but it was heading straight for Rex and

was still going to fast.

“Rex use Metal Claw to throw it into the air!”

Rex threw the Snail Pokemon up into the air.

“Macargo, Body Slam that little gecko!”

The snail came out of its shell and began its decent towards Rex.

“Get out of the way!”

Rex moved but Macargo made its mark. Rex was trapped under it. Then

Rex began to glow. He grew in size and when the light faded, had become a

Charmeleon.

“Macargo use Smog!”

the snail bent its head down and began spewing purple smoke. Rex

coughed.

“Rex, use Dig!”

The Flame pokemon dug a hole and escaped the toxic gas.

"Numel, Macargo, use Magnitude!”

the pokemon made the ground shake which was bad news for Rex.

“Rex, come up now!”

the Flame pokemon burst out of the ground.

“Sandslash, Swift!”

The Mouse pokemon jumped into the air and began spinning. Then stars of

light began shooting from it and headed straight for Rex and Puff.

"Rex, Puff, use Flamethrower!”

the two opened their mouths and huge streams of flames shot out like

water from a bursting dam. The streams both hit the mouse pokemon and

blew away its Swift. The Sandslash fell to the ground defeated. The trainer

that owned it returned it to its pokeball.

“Numel, use Magnitude!”

“Stop it Rex with Metal Claw!”

Numel lifted its foot preparing to slam it down, but Rex once again

displaying its ninja speed, ran at it and slashed it, creating a very large

gash along the side of it. Numel let out a cry of pain and fell to the ground.

Its trainer returned it.

“Macargo, use Body Slam!”

“That won’t work this time, Rex use Flamethrower!”

the snail jumped into the air and Began falling just like last time, but this

time Rex raised up his head and shot a stream of fire at it that kept it in

the air much like a ball is bounced around when placed on top of a fountain.

“Puff, use Sludge Bomb!”

The Coal Pokemon shot a large amount of Sludge balls out of its mouth

that blew the Snail away. Its trainer returned it too. The match had caught

some attention and the girl now no longer focused on the match looked

around to see a large crowd cheering for her. Then some police officers

came out and placed the agents of Team Magma under arrest. The girl

waved to the crowd and then noticed the people who had tricked her out of

the gym before were there muttering to themselves. Lulu walked over to

them and then very politely said, “Why did you do that? I was following the

rules and you tricked me.

“We don’t like little kids in our gym. This is for grown-ups, why don’t you

go play with your dolls or something?”

“Yeah babies don’t get to play the big kid games, so get out of here, you

brat!”

“Is that so gentlemen? said a new voice.

The bullies turned around and got pale. The gym leader had been standing

behind them and had heard every word they said.

“The age of a challenger does not matter. As long as they follow the rules

and are trainers, they are allowed to take the test. In fact this girl tied with

the person who got the highest score. Normally we have a match to break

ties, but the girl was gone so I had only the other person to face. After the

match I heard the commotion and investigated. I saw the end of your

match young lady. I commend you. We can’t allow scum like Team Magma

to dirty our streets and speaking of scum you should be ashamed of

yourselves, cheating this poor girl out of her chance for a badge. Therefore

you’re all fired! You no longer work for the Rustboro Gym. You may pick up

your things from the gym and then leave. I don’t want to see your faces

there ever again!”

They all stared at the young girl with loathing in their eyes and then

walked away.

“Now that that’s over I think you have earned this.”

She held out a Stone Badge. “But don’t I have to beat you for that?”

“You displayed more than enough fighting prowess in that battle, and when

you stood up to those bullies you showed your own courage, dignity, and

that you have what it takes to go very far in this world. Don’t lose that

drive you have. It will lead you to great things.”

“Thank you…”

“Roxanne, my name is Roxanne. What is your name?”

“Uh...Lulu, my name is Lulu. I thank you again, but now I gotta

go.”

“Lulu, that girl will go far. She’ll face many challenges, face many

obstacles, and probably fail a few times, but it will only make her stronger.

Lulu…I will hear that name again, I can feel it.”
 
Last edited:

Silentvibrava

Techno Teen
You really need to space this. It's not the easiest to read. For example, when ever anyone speaks it needs to be seperated from the rest, and different situations need to be seperated too. I'll take a look at it after you space.
 

foxkitty

Gilmore Girls lover
You need to space this like.
She cried then like no person should ever have to, and fell to her knees in

despair. She had been traumatized by that memory and her childhood ended

that day. She became serious in everything she did and was very protective

of everything she held dear, which was not much, but the horror did not stop

there. The
^ THis way is much easier on the reader's eyes.
 

Torkoal

What? Exactly
foxkitty said:
You need to space this like.
She cried then like no person should ever have to, and fell to her knees in

despair. She had been traumatized by that memory and her childhood ended

that day. She became serious in everything she did and was very protective

of everything she held dear, which was not much, but the horror did not stop

there. The
^ THis way is much easier on the reader's eyes.
ok i did it
 
S

Soleni

Guest
Instead of 'a girl busted in' it should be 'a girl burst in'. Why are you squashing it up like that?
 

Torkoal

What? Exactly
Soleni said:
Instead of 'a girl busted in' it should be 'a girl burst in'. Why are you squashing it up like that?
done. now can somebody give me a review that doesn't have to do with grammer and is on the story itself?
 
Last edited:

Torkoal

What? Exactly
Chapter 3: A New Friend

Lulu went to the park to train.

“Lets go guys! Puff, Rex at this rate you guys will be champions in no time

at all!”

Lulu was in a field sparing her pokemon. They fought fiercely but

unbeknownst to them, a mysterious figure was watching them from a tree.

Just then, an explosion came from the wooded area of the park. Lulu

turned to see a Larvitar being attacked by a trainer.


"Salamence lets go! Hyper Beam now!”

The Larvitar was in bad shape. It had numerous scars all over its body and

was panting heavily. It attempted a Sandstorm. It shot a stream of sand

and wind from its mouth, but before it hit Salamence, Larvitar collapsed

from exhaustion. The Hyper Beam was heading right for it until Rex jumped

in the way and used Counter. The Hyper Beam was sent flying back at

Salamence with tremendous force. It hit it and it was sent flying. The

trainer returned it.

“What, a Charmeleon!?”

“What are you doing attacking this Larvitar like this!? You should be

ashamed of yourself!”

“This is none of your business little girl! Stay out of it! This Larvitar is

mine and it abandoned me during a fight and I can not allow that!”

“Well I won’t allow you to harm this Pokemon, Got it!”

“And what are you going to do to stop me!? Go Aggron!”

“Fine! I’ll battle you to protect it!”

“Very well, you asked for it, kid! Aggron use Thunderbolt!”

The Iron Armor Pokemon lit up and shot a huge stream of electricity at

Rex.

“Rex dodge it and use Flamethrower!”

the Flame Pokemon jumped out of the way with amazing speed and shot a

stream of fire right at Aggron.

“Aggron use Dig!”

Aggron dug a hole and escaped.

“Now come up and use Double-edge!”

Aggron came up and hit Rex hard. Rex let out a cry of pain.

“Rex, get up and use Dragon Claw!”

“Rex rose and lunged at Aggron. It slashed it across the chest.

“Now while its stunned use Flamethrower!”

Rex blasted Aggron with a full-power Flamethrower at pointblank range.

Aggron let out a cry.

“Aggron use Water Pulse!”

Aggron shot a shockwave at Rex and hit it. Rex became confused.

“Rex use Flamethrower!”

Rex wildly launched the attack, not having any idea what it was doing.

"Aggron take this opportunity and use Double-edge once more!”

The huge pokemon lunged at Rex like a bulldozer, but Rex snapped out of

Confusion and used Flamethrower. It scored a direct hit, and Aggron

fainted, but it still hit into Rex knocking it out as well.

“It’s a draw!” they both said.

“Give me back my Larvitar NOW!”

“Not gonna happen! Puff Go!”

“Oh great I don’t have any more Pokemon! You win this round, but I will be

back!” “Larvitar are you okay?”

“Lar…Lar…Lar.”

The Rock Skin Pokemon passed out in Lulu’s arms.

“OH NO! I’ve got to get you to the Pokemon Center!”

As they were running the pokemon came to and looked up at Lulu with a

skeptical look. It had never known kindness and had no idea why a human

would do this, but it went along with it, now beginning to realize that not all

people are bad.

Lulu burst into the Pokemon Center and said, “This Larvitar needs help

NOW!”

the nurse looked at her and then at the Larvitar. She gasped. “What

happened to it!?”

”I found it being chased by a real mean thug. He beat it up pretty bad but I

beat the guy and saved it, I need you to tend to it right away!”

“This looks like Pokemon Cage Matching was to blame.”

“What’s that?”
"it’s a type of pokemon battle where the competitors are in a steel cage.

There are no rules and they fight to the death. This little guy must have

been a competitor and the guy you saved it from, its trainer. This isn’t the


first time this has happened. We’ve had to take care of quite a few

Pokemon that the police rescued.”

“Hey nurse, can I keep this Pokemon? I saved it and I want to take care of

it, and besides from what I saw it must be really strong. It was going up

against a Salamence!”

“Ok, I’ll take care of it and return it to you when it has recovered.”

Lulu waited in the Pokemon Center for quite a while until a nurse came out

and told her Larvitar was okay. She ran as fast as her feet could take her

to Larviatr’s bedside where she hugged the little Pokemon. It smiled at her

and hugged her back. Then Lulu took out a Pokeball.

"Larvitar would you like to join my team? I’ll let you choose as you’re still

probably shy around humans, but promise to take care of you so what do

ya say?”

Larvitar looked at her with amazement. He couldn’t believe that humans

could be this kind. It was then that it realized that only some humans are

bad and that others are truly kind. It jumped into her arms and hugged her

tight.

“Ok then, as of this day, you are a member of my team!”

The next day Lulu set out for Petalburg to get her next badge.
 

katiekitten

The Compromise
Eep. Ok, I haven't read the story yet, but your spacing has some serious issues. I would advise you to NOT take Fox kitty's advice, for it doesn't help the reader, it confuses them greatly for they have difficulties separating new paragraphs, speech, and looks really odd. Just my opinion, though. Now onto the actual fic...

Ok, first point. It is better to separate chapters, even if you have already written them both. Wait a week at the least between chapters, to give time for people to read. It also bumps the story up, so it might catch other peoples eye...

Now onto the first chapter. The first thing I will point out is your beginning.

As the girl walked to her seat she remembered everything that had led up to this point. She was a pokemon trainer, taking a test that was needed to face Roxanne and only the best could do it. She began to sweat as she thought about the fact that many of the trainers in the room were older and more experienced than she, after all she was only six. She then looked down and saw the test sitting on her desk. An announcement was made on a speaker above. It said,

“Participants in the gym leader challenge exam will soon begin. Please do not begin your test until instructed to do so.”

(I changed the spacing to how they should be)

Not such a good beginning. You immediately start off with: "As the girl walked to her seat she remembered everything that had led up to this point."
Who is this girl? What does she look like? Where is she? When you start a fic, you want to try your utmost to make it enticing, interesting. It’s like painting a picture. You can't just paint the major details on at the first chance you get, or they just seem to be floating in nothingness. You have to paint the background, describe the scene first. Let us know what the girl looks like, describe her surroundings, what she hears, sees. If she is nervous, mirror that in the way she sees things. If you are confused to as how to do this, I advise reading other peoples fics, the more popular ones will show you what the general public are interested in. Sometimes fics begin differently, but let’s focus on the easier start. Allow me to show you by rewriting the first paragraph…

“The gentle murmur of the waiting crowd pulsed through out the room, the air crackling slightly from the tension as the waiting trainers gathered their battles strategies and ran through them for the last time. One particular trainer sat near the center of the room, eyes closed as she worriedly chewed on her already sodden hair, pale lips moving as she mouthed her plans. She was small for her age; her feet barely reaching the ground from the bench were she sat poised, knuckles showing white as she gripped the edges of her seat. She was practically shaking with nervousness, her already pale skin bleached white, giving her a vampiric look with her coal black eyebrows and hair. A small charmander hovered at her feet expectantly, head cocked as it attempted to discover what his mistress was saying. It had an intelligent look to it, its startling green eyes twinkling with interest as it trotted over to a nearby trainer…”


I’m not going to write it all out for you, sorry. :p But you get the idea.

Oh my lord… SIX years old? Is that a typo, or did you really mean that? Pull the other one, for no six year old would be able to survive in its own HOUSE for a day, let alone surviving away from home and training Pokemon. I think the 11year old limit is ridiculous, the children don’t get a proper education that way. Do you remember what you did at the age of three? Four? Five? She would learn it all and then forget it. You need to SEVERLY rethink that one. Sorry and all, but it is impossible. When someone is reading your story, it is your aim to dispend their disbelief, make them believe, while they are reading it, that it is real. Ridiculous things like that forcefully boot them out of the story, and besides, that is a one-way ticket to a Mary sue. We don’t want to meet them successful, we want to watch them become successful. You really need to remember that.

Ok, onwards! One thing that did bug me was how you set up some of your speech. An example your first paragraph:
It said,

“Participants in the gym leader challenge exam will soon begin. Please do not begin your test until instructed to do so.”

Putting the: “it said” before is not a very good idea. In the right circumstances, yes, but this is not one of them. Re-arrange it better, like this…

“Participants in the gym leader challenge exam will soon begin. Please do not begin your test until instructed to do so.” A speaker at the wall blared out the pre-recorded message, briefly halting the steady flow of chatter. Lulu gulped loudly, feeling butterflies in her stomach. Everything she had strived to achieve, her very future, hung on this next couple of hours. Losing was not an option. She wanted to be like her father used to be: a confident, respected, a trainer. If she could do this, the very sky was the limit. If only she could remember him and mother…

Ok, before I go on I need to ask you something. Do you use Word at all? If not, you should, or if you can’t, get a beta reader. You have spelt neighbour incorrectly so many times I want to groan. Using it will also iron out all of the little errors you make on the way. :)

Well, it has good length; I’ll commend you on that. Four pages is a mighty feat. If you want to make it longer, there is only one word I can tell you. DESCRIPTION. Description is the icing on the cake, without it the cake is foul, but if you have too much description, or static description, the cake is oversweet and people will get sick of it. You have a case of not enough, but I need to warn you about too much as well. I myself have jumped from not enough to too much, and it is disastrous. Like I did in my little piece, I described what she looked like, and what the sound are like. Never forget: Similes and metaphors are your friends, and can add humour or any atmosphere you choose to a piece. When describing something, do it with an action, or a comparison like I did. Don’t go: She had dark hair, pale lips and black eyebrows, say:

“One particular trainer sat near the center of the room, eyes closed as she worriedly chewed on her already sodden hair, pale lips moving as she mouthed her plans. She was small for her age; her feet barely reaching the ground from the bench were she sat poised, knuckles showing white as she gripped the edges of her seat. She was practically shaking with nervousness, her already pale skin bleached white, giving her a vampiric look with her coal black eyebrows and hair.”

It makes the description interesting, and turns the boring list (the static description) into something people will read. :)

I quite like your idea about having her remember her history, but she needs to be a lot older. Just make one parent die, her father. Or preferably, none at all. It is a commonly used idea, and seriously, not everyone loses a parent. There are more divorces then deaths. Another problem with her being so young is that why would she, a small two year old who can barely keep upright, manage to stay on a burning boat while her father is thrown off and drowns? If he was at sea in the first place, he must be a good swimmer. For him to drown it must have been a pretty rough sea. And how would she be able to get back to shore? She is two years old! Again, I must remind you to suspend my disbelief.

“There’s a fairy coming from the mainland to take everyone there

XD Sorry, I couldn’t resist. I think you mean Ferry. XD *Rolls on floor laughing*

Anyways… *wipes tears of laughter from eyes* Onwards!

Now the ending of the first chapter... I smell a cliché coming on. Small girl tries to rid the world of evil! Come on! It happens all the time. And by the look of this, it is one of the typical Team Magma things. Everybody loves a good guy verses evil story, that is why they turn up everywhere. It is how you set out the idea that counts. You have to be original, with an original baddy, an original hero with an interesting personality. I’m afraid your characters are flat. Flat as pancakes. You don’t go into any detail of Lulus thoughts, mind processes. We want to know what makes her tick, but you don’t tell us. She would be traumatised for life if she lost both her parents at a young age. Why don’t you do some research into how people behave after that? I know I’m going to. Add some variety! Swap viewpoints with her Charmander, (Rex is it?) So we can see his point of view. At the moment, this story is missing its sparkle. Describe places, people a little more, and let us see inside the characters. Work on the points I have noted out, and you’ll be getting somewhere. :)

I won’t be reviewing the other chapters, because you have said that you will be revising it. By following this advice you should greatly improve the story as a whole. Sorry if I seemed harsh. :)
 
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