Pokemon Shinnon

[~Nidoking~]

Just a quick preview.


Chapter one! Sam, Dan and Matt!


“Battle starting! I choose you Skitty!” The small pink and cream cat Pokémon shook her Tail. “Use assist...”
“BRING BRING BRRRRING”
The crumpled duvet fell on to the floor. A 4 foot lad clambered out yawing.
His brown hair was messed up, and his old t-shirt crumpled up.
He got his shiny blue glasses from the bedside desk and shoved them on.
He looked in the mirror, his hazel eyes shone.
“SAMUEL RUBY! HERE, NOW!!” Yelled an all so annoying person.
“Matt! Its..10 AM!” Sam yelled down to a lad shorter and thinner then him, with black hair and green eyes.
“Ha!” Matt Emerald yelled. Another person, a bit taller then Sam with blonde hair and brown eyes walked in the room.
“Are you going to get dressed?” Dan yelled at Sam. “In a minute..” He looked at Daniel. Dan’s Blue jacket and white shirt contrasted the black jeans and sneakers.

Sam grabbed a Red and black bandanna, red jeans, and orange shirt.
He left his jacket on the side, and pulled on his Dressing gown.
Once down stairs, he saw His, Matt’s and Dan’s dad.
The looked like there Sons, but a bit taller, and wider.
“Ah! Sam, we have decided to allow you three to travel, if you go together.”
Addressed his Dad.
“The starters are here” Said Mr.Sapphire.
“You get first choice” said Mr.Emerald.
They were the Kanto starters.
Bulbasaur, a green dinosaur with a plant on its back.
Charmander, the orange lizard, with a flaming tail.
Squirtle, the small blue, Turtle with a thick shell and tail.

“I pick….”

 

[TurtwigFan1]

Um... okay. Very short, not much description. Using slang terms like 'lad' is practically forbidden unless in speech. Bad spelling and grammar. My idea, rewrite and post when improved.

 

[Verity]

Fairly standard start, I guess, but it's very rushed--all the action is very compressed. There's no sense of environment or much dimension to the characters. We know what they look like and what their names are, but... who are they? I'd encourage you to try and flesh out both what's going on and how the characters react to it. What do they think about what's in store for the day? Give us a sense of their motivations and personalities in relation to what they're doing.

I might encourage you to maybe think things over a little bit more as you're writing, take a little more time... a beta reader might be helpful for developing your story further and fixing up some of the spelling and style. Don't get too discouraged, though--the best way to improve in writing is to write, after all.

 

[Torpoleon]

This chapter seemed rather short and not to descriptive. For advive, you should read Advice for Aspiring Authors so that you can learn from your mistakes and change them. I can see that you will one day be great at this.

 

[Psychic]

The Fan Fiction Rules clearly state that all chapters need to be at least two pages long. It does, however, help if you skip a line between paragraphs, which is what you're supposed to be doing in the first place. However, a paragraph does consist of more than one line. The only time you should start a new paragraph is when someone new is speaking. Generally, description and action should be in the same paragraph as dialogue.


Also, because you seem to be struggling a bit with it, the following are the different types of punctuation, and when to use each one - especially for dialogue. It can be a little tricky, but these are very important to making sure your story looks good and professional!

The Comma: Whenever somebody finishes saying something, there should be a "," at the end. This is the case in just about every situation. Here are some examples:
"That store sells candy," she said with a grin.
"I really hate school," Jake muttered.
"Pokémon training looks like fun," the old man commented.
Notice also how the first word after the dialogue isn't capitalized. That's because it's like each line is one sentence; ignore the quotation marks for a moment. It doesn't really make sense if you just say "I really hate school." and "Jake muttered." as two difference sentences, because they don't really make a lot of sense if they're alone. They only make sense when they’re connected.

Another time you use a comma is if someone is being addressed. That means if one character is talking to another character, there should be a comma before or after their name (depending). Examples:
"Hello, Jake," said Robert.
"Here, Jackie, I wanted to give this to you," Alex said shyly as he gave her a pretty rose.
"Do you like chocolate,, Rebecca?" her grandmother asked.
"Guys, I think you should leave," Ash said nervously.
"Come over here, girls," the teacher called.

The Period: This goes at the end of every sentence. However, if you have dialogue and you want to start a new sentence after the dialogue, you can put a period inside the quotation marks. This means that each sentence can stand alone and would still make sense without the other. Remember to capitalize the next word! Example:
"You’re pretty." She smiled up at the supermodel.
"I hate you." The little girl crossed her arms as she said this and walked away.
"If you want to wait, I'm not staying with you." As his friend said this, Eli furrowed his brow in anger.
"I wish I could become a millionaire." His mind filled with possibilities at the very thought of it.
"Yes, I would like a piece of cake, please." Without even waiting for a slice to be cut for him, little Johnny plunged his hand into the birthday cake and grabbed a piece for himself.

The Question Mark: Whenever somebody asks a question, put a "?" at the end of the sentence. It is not replacing a period here, so the word after the dialogue wouldn't be capitalized. Example:
"Is it going to rain today?" the boy asked.
"Would you like to go to grandma's house?" the mother asked her daughter.
"So what did you think of the last Harry Potter book?" Rachel asked her friend.
"Do you like ice cream? My family really likes ice cream," Sonia said happily.

The Exclamation Mark: Put a "!" at the end of a sentence when somebody has shouted something, or possibly given a strict command. Again, if it's at the end of dialogue, the word after the quotation marks usually shouldn't be capitalized. Example:
"I want a pony!" the little girl screamed.
"Give me that!" Valerie yelled.
"Go to your room, Jessie! You were a very bad boy," the mother said angrily.
"Let's go to the carnival!" he cried giddily.



Your description was another issue, but I don't really have time to go into that right now. Just have a look at Advice for Aspiring Authors, and have a look at some other fics around here to see how other people write, paying special attention to how they describe things.

Please be sure to read the Rules, and good luck!

~Psychic