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Pokemon Sinnoh Legends (Pg-13)

Discussion in 'Fan Fiction' started by DJ1994, Jan 12, 2009.

  1. DJ1994

    DJ1994 Member

    This is a fan fic I have been working on for awhile and I finally finished the first chapter. The first chapter isn't too PG-13ish but later on it will be. THis story is about me and a couple of my friends ( just two are real) traveling through the Sinnoh Region. I hope you all like it.

    Chapter 1 Sailing over the Sinnoh Seas

    Drifting peacefully over the ocean waves was the S.S. Tidal of Hoenn. On the ship were thousands of travelers and Pokemon trainers. People were swimming in the pool and in the dining room eating before they arrived. Laying on a bed in a room was a young boy with brown hair and a green head band wrapped around his head. The boy stood up and yawned.

    “Man we still haven’t arrived,” he said as he walked over to his suitcase and put on an orange and black shirt.

    Then someone began knocking on his door. “ Hey are you up yet?”

    “Yeah hang on,” he said as he tied his shoes.

    The boy then opened the door and there stood a girl with brunette hair covered with a bandanna. The girl hn walked in.

    “So what do you think Sinnoh will be like?” she asked.

    “Well maybe the same as Hoenn,” he said as he put on sunglasses and walked out the door.

    “Hey wait up!” yelled the girl as she chased after him.

    The boy was standing right outside of his room staring at the ocean waves and the water pokemon jumping out of the water. He then pulled out a device known as a pokedex and pointed it at a pokemon he has never seen before.

    “Lumineon the neon pokemon, It can use its long fins as if they were legs and crawl along the seafloor. It fights with Lanturn over prey.” said the pokedex.

    “Aw that pokemon is so beautiful,” said the girl.

    “Yeah look how it’s fins glow,” said the boy.

    A sailor then came walking up to the kids. “ Mr. Grayson and Ms. Williams,” he said.

    “Hm?” said both the boy and girl as they turned around and saw a sailor standing there.

    “A letter has been received from Professor Rowan of the Sinnoh region,” said the Sailor as he handed the letter to the boy.

    The boy then began reading the letter. “Dear, Rocky and May, I know you should be on your way now so I have a little task for you two for when you arrive. There are two boys your age in Twinleaf Town wanting to begin their journey so I want you two to meet them and help them get here, from Prof. Rowan.”

    Rocky handed the letter to May and she read it.

    “Oh wow,” she said.

    “Sir how much longer until we arrive in Twinleaf,” Rocky asked the Sailor.

    “About another day or so,” he said back.

    “What another day!” yelled May in shock.

    The sailor then walked away.

    “Man still an day to go,” said Rocky.

    Two boys then came walking up to Rocky and May.

    “Hey rookies how would you two like to battle,” said one of the boys.

    “Alright my first Sinnoh battle,” said Rocky as he grabbed a black poke ball from his belt.

    “Same for me Rocky,” said May.

    “Go Magmortar,” said one of the boys.

    The Redish-orange Pokemon busted out of it’s ball with flames encircling it as it hit the ground.

    “Go Electivire,” said the other.

    Electivire came out of it’s ball and Lightning bolts were coming from the cords on Electivire’s back.

    “Whoa those things look strong,” said Rocky as he got out his new pokedex.

    “Magmortar the blast pokemon, It blasts fireballs of over 3,600 degrees F from the ends of its arms. It lives
    in volcanic craters.” said the pokedex.

    “Electivire the thunderbolt pokemon, It pushes the tips of its two tails against the foe, then lets loose with over 20,000 volts of power.” said the pokedex.

    “Careful May these things look tough,” said Rocky as he tossed the black ball out.

    Out came a black cat like creature with yellow markings on it. May then tossed hers out. May’s ball came open and a brown cat like creature was there.

    “Man these rookies must really love eevee,” said one of the boys.

    “Umbreon show them your shadow ball attack!” yelled Rocky.

    “Um!” said Umbreon as it took in a breath. The yellow rings on it’s body were glowing at full force. “Breon!” shouted the black creature as it opened up it’s mouth and released so many black orbs.

    “Electivire use thunder punch on those things,” said one of the boys to his pokemon.

    “Vire!” yelled the pokemon as it’s fists began sparking and crackling with electricity. “ELECTI!” the yellow mammoth sized pokemon roared as it started punching away at all the Shadow balls.

    “Magmortar jump into the air and fire an overheat attack!” Yelled the other boy.

    “Mag!” yelled Magmortar as it jumped into the air. “Mortar!” the blast pokemon yelled as it released scorching hot flames from it’s hand cannon.

    “Eevee can’t use dig here but maybe a quick attack would do,” said May in her head. “Eevee use quick
    attack to dodge.” she said.

    “Vee,” said Eevee as it dashed away from all the flames.

    The flames hit the ship and set it on fire.

    “Oh no!” Yelled May and Rocky.

    “Hey do your guys know sand attack!” said the two boys.

    “Yeah they do,” said Rocky.

    “Eevee use sand attack,” said May.

    Eevee started slinging sand onto the fire. Umbreon then started to help. The sand kept hitting the fire again and again.

    The fire then got put under control.

    “Back to the battle,” said Rocky as he turned around.

    “Electivire use ice punch,” yelled the young trainer.

    “Elect!” said Electivire as it ran towards Umbreon. “Electivire!” the thunderbolt Pokemon as it reeled it’s fist back and let it loose.

    “Umbreon dodge it!” Rocky cried out to his Pokemon.

    Umbreon jumped into the air and Electivire went straight into the pool with it’s ice punch. Electivire’s ice punch had froze the pool solid

    “Well looks like we have a skating rink now.” said one of the boys but the other then slapped his head after saying that.

    “Eevee use your take down on magmortar,” said May.

    “Eevee,” it said as it ran as fast as possible towards Magmortar. Eevee then rammed into Magmortar’s gut and sent it flying.

    As soon as Magmortar touched the pool the ice melted. Both magmortar and Electivire couldn’t swim and were trying their best to stay afloat.

    “Oh no we lost to Rookies,” One of the boys cried.

    “Hey I’m not a rookie and neither is May, we traveled through Hoenn together and guess what I was the champ!” said Rocky as he walked up to the two young trainers.

    “I knew there was something fishy about them.” said a boy as they walked off.

    As the day went by Rocky and May both ate lunch in the diner on the ship and swam in the pool until they had to clean it out because of a waiter dropping a whole tray of food into the pool. Rocky was standing outside watching the sun go down onto the ocean waves.

    “It’s beautiful isn’t it,” said May.

    “Sure is and look at the wailord’s,” said Rocky as he pointed them out.

    May looked out into the ocean and saw a school of Wailord’s spouting water out of their blow holes.

    “Wow it’s so cool and look at the baby wailmer following them,” said May.

    Rocky laughed when he saw it. The sun then went down into the ocean.

    “Well we better get back to the room,” he said as he walked off.

    May followed him back to the room. Rocky then sat down on his bed and turned on the TV.

    “Ladies and gentlemen Cynthia has done it again she has beaten Elite Four member Flint, Now let’s see if she can beat Lucian,” said the announcer on the TV.

    “Wow Rocky this Cynthia might be stronger than you,” said May.

    “Well nah duh May she is the champ of Sinnoh,” said Rocky.

    May gave him an angry look then said, “Just picture it the Sinnoh champ vs. the Hoenn champ,”

    “Go Roserade!” yelled Cynthia on the TV.

    Roserade came onto the field and shook it’s red and blue roses like pom-poms. Roserade stood tall on the battlefield and was ready to go.

    “Hmph using a poison type against my psychic types was a bad choice,” said Lucian as he tossed a ball onto the field.

    Out came a green and white pokemon it was in a human shape. “Ga,” said the green Pokemon as it quickly threw punches.

    “Roserade use energy ball!” yelled Cynthia as she held out a rose for Roserade some luck.

    “Rose,” said the Rose pokemon as it aimed it’s blue rose at Gallade. “Rade!” the Pokemon shouted as an intense glowing green ball shot out of it’s rose.

    “Gallade block it with ice punch,” said Lucian in a calm manner.

    “Ga,” it said as it was getting ready. “Lade!” the green Pokemon shouted as it punched the green ball with it’s glowing light blue fist.

    The ball fell to the ground and shattered into millions of pieces. Wind started to blow and Roserade’s cape was blowing in the wind.

    “Roserade shadow ball now!” Cynthia ordered the rose Pokemon.

    “Rade!” said Roserade as it aimed at Gallade with the red rose this time. “Rade rose!” it shouted as it fired the black orb at Gallade.

    “Uh it knows a ghost move?” said Lucian in shock.

    “Oh no Lucian wasn’t expecting a shadow ball people.” said the announcer.

    The black ball went flying at gallade. Gallade jumped into the air but the ball continued to follow him. Gallade kept avoiding the ball again and again.

    “Gallade use Psycho cut.” said Lucian.

    “Lade!” yelled Gallade as it’s left arm glowed a blue color and it slung it’s arm at the ball and sliced it right in half.

    “Roserade use Sunny day,” said Cynthia as she pointed her rose into the sky

    “Rose,” said the Rose pokemon as it raised both of it’s roses to the sky and shot a tiny orange orb into the air.

    “Now use weather ball,” said Cynthia as she let the rose fall to the ground.

    “Rade,” said Roserade as it began concentrating it’s power. It then raised both of it’s roses to the sky and a flaming orb began to form. “Rose!” it shouted as it fired the ball towards Gallade.

    “Gallade use night slash!” Yelled Lucian as he threw his book aside.

    “Lade!” Gallade shouted as it dove in towards the flaming ball. “Ga!” the green psychic pokemon shouted and began slicing away at the orb. Gallade jumped away from the orb and it exploded.

    “Solarbeam go!” said Cynthia as she raised an arm into the air.

    “Roserade!” the rose pokemon screamed as an enormous beam shot down from the sun and blasted down on top of Gallade. Gallade was struggling to get up.

    “Uh no get up,” said Lucian.

    “Ga,” said Gallade as it struggled some more. “Alade,” the pokemon cried as it fell back to the ground and fainted.

    “The champion continues her winning streak and defeats Lucian!” yelled the announcer into the microphone.

    Rocky was shocked by the outcome of the match. He thought Roserade was weak against gallade.
    Rocky then remembered the sunny beam combo he learned at the trainer school.

    “So that’s how it won,” said Rocky.

    Rocky turned towards May and he saw that she was asleep with Eevee. May was cuddled up with Eevee. Rocky then yawned and laid down on his bed and drifted to sleep.

    The next morning the ship was still going and everyone was still asleep. The alarm clock then started going off with a buzzing beep. Rocky then shot straight up and yawned. Rocky put on some gym shorts and some sunglasses and walked outside and saw that the sun was just now coming up. He was wondering what Sinnoh would be like.

    “Man the gym leaders there could be as tough as those two from the TV last night.” he said quietly.

    The sun was then rising up from the ocean waves. Rocky then looked at the sun as it came up.

    “It’s beautiful alright,” he said as he walked off.

    Rocky then looked out into the ocean and saw land. Could it be Sinnoh.

    “Hey we’re here,” he said.

    Ding dong. The intercom made the noise. “ Ladies and gentlemen we will be arriving at TwinLeaf in twenty minutes thank you for coming.”

    Rocky then ran back to the room as fast as he could and went into the room. He began getting ready as he was fixing to take his first step into the Sinnoh region.

    May then woke up with Eevee on top of her head. She then noticed Rocky going as fast as he could to get ready.

    “What’s up.” she said while yawning.

    “We're fixing to be in Sinnoh so get dressed.” he said as he threw her back pack at her.

    May then got up quickly and ran into the bathroom.

    “We will be arriving in Sinnoh in ten minutes,” said the intercom.

    Rocky then felt a vibration coming from outside. As he walked outside he noticed that they were in a whirlpool.

    “No not now!” he yelled as the ship began to spin.

    The ship was shaking and spinning in the whirlpool until, A white Pokemon with red markings on it began attack the whirlpool. The Pokemon fired black orbs from it's paws at the whirlpool. But it was no good. Another Pokemon jumped down from above. It was an Absol. It then started letting loose shadow balls aswell. The whirlpool then calmed down and stopped. The ship then began moving again.

    “Amazing that absol and zangoose were so powerful,” he said to himself.

    Rocky then saw two red beams coming from the shore and the two pokemon were put into poke balls by two young boys. Rocky noticed one of them had blonde hair as they were walking away. He had no time to see the other one.

    ‘Wait are those two the guys we are supposed to find,” said Rocky.

    May then walked out of the room with damp hair and looked around.

    “Hey what happened out here!” she yelled.

    “Whirlpool,” said Rocky as he went to the ships exit.

    “Yeah right,” said May as she followed after him.

    “We have now arrived into TwinLeaf Town welcome to the Sinnoh region,” said the intercom.

    Rocky and May got off the ship. The two of them began looking around.

    “May we’re here we are finally here,” said Rocky.

    The next 4 or 5 Chapters may be a little boring but it'll start getting good. I'll post up Chapter 2 after I get comments on 1 and fix Errors for both. EDIT:fixed some of the errors
    Last edited: Jan 13, 2009
  2. Aura Master

    Aura Master Smell of Success

    pretty good but you need to proofread it when you finish the others....i caught a couple things but im not a english teacher so i dont know about grammer and stuff XD

    "Hey are you up yet?" --- Forgot to capitalize

    The girl walked in.

    Forgot to capitalize

    Sinnoh capitalize....

    ARGH...umm yah...you might want to reread it carefully and catch the other 12 capitalize mistakes...

    You need to describe more like what the man looked like...the boys...ect.

  3. TSreh

    TSreh Member

    These are from different places:

    as you can see, so much for another hour...proofread and describe a little more, otherwise it was fine.
  4. miler567

    miler567 Well-Known Member

    This isn't by any means bad (actually for being one of your first posts its pretty good.) just that OT fics tend to bore unless you can put some sort of special twist on it. You might want to proofread a little more as there were some odd mistakes (most of which have already been caught). I'm gonna continue to read and see where you take this. Good Luck!
  5. DJ1994

    DJ1994 Member

    Once my brother gets of the laptop I may post chapter 2.
  6. Yami Ryu

    Yami Ryu Well-Known Member

    Skimming over this I found nothing really eye catching. Overall it's a flat, bland, and quite boring and below average trainer fic. There was little description. Little emotion and it was quite rushed and well lackluster.


    So the robotical trainer and pokemon duo can't give off any emotions or actions outside a simple act and re-act combo.

    See how much more vivid it is to describe a battle scene, or a setting of strife. Or any interaction that should have merit for it?
  7. DJ1994

    DJ1994 Member

    I said in my first post that the first few chapters may be a little boring Yami ryu
  8. Yami Ryu

    Yami Ryu Well-Known Member

    So .. that's an excuse to have no emotion, depth, description or detailing, or attempts of such things at all?

    Oh ok, here's your sign then.
  9. DJ1994

    DJ1994 Member

    Well the story will start getting into that stuff more later.
  10. Synthetic

    Synthetic Well-Known Member

    No, no. What Yami is trying to say is that you can still have rich description and say a lot - even if not much is actually happening in the story.

    The world your characers are in is three dimensional. Your characters have feelings, likes, dislikes and personalities. This is like the flavouring of your fic; it's what makes it interesting, drawing people in and making them want to read more.

    Take for example this: the girl stared at the rose. It reminded her of her mother. She sighed, sadly.

    Not exactly riveting, is it?

    So let us fix it by putting in the flavour.

    The same kind of principle applies to pokemon attacks.

    They are dynamic, colourful things. Talk about what the pokemon is feeling, how it dodges an attack, or gets hit. The trainer would be more than just "..." - even if the trainer does not say anything, or isn't particularly talkative, they are still thinking and moving. Perhaps they might need to dodge out of the way of a stray attack.

    So on.

    The actual thing that happens is the skeleton of the story. What really makes the story is emotion and energy. You need to work on this.

    Your grammar and spelling is very good, I will say.
  11. DJ1994

    DJ1994 Member

    i'm posting up chapter 2 now.

    Chapter 2 New Region New Friends

    Rocky and May had just arrived in Twinleaf Town after sailing over the sea from Hoenn. The two of them still need to find two boys of the same age around the town somewhere.

    “Rocky where do you think they are?” May asked.

    “Well I’m not sure May but we’ll find them somewhere,” said Rocky.

    “How about we ask someone,” said May.

    “Alright let’s go,” said Rocky as he walked off.

    Back in an alley were two boys sitting behind a dumpster talking.

    “Do you really think we did the right thing,” said a boy.

    “Of course we saved hundreds of lives on that boat,” said the other.

    “Come on let’s go,” said one of them.

    The two boys ran off.

    Back in the town’s main square Rocky and May were looking around for the two boys they were told to find but nothing was found.

    “No sign of who we are looking for,” said Rocky in disappointment.

    Rocky then turned around and saw a Pokemon Grooming Salon. He then thought of his Umbreon who hadn’t been groomed in a while.

    “Oh come on we will find them somewhere, Hey what‘s up?” said May as she patted his back.

    May then looked over and saw the Salon.

    “Oh you must want to go in there right,” she said.

    “Well yeah my Umbreon could really use a grooming and maybe something else,” said Rocky as he began walking towards the Salon.

    “Hey wait up Eevee could use one too!” May shouted as she chased after him.

    Rocky then walked inside and saw two young men standing there grooming a Pokemon. The two men looked as if they were twins except one had green hair and the other had blonde.

    “Oh hello there darling you must want your Pokemon to get a nice grooming,” said the one with blonde hair.

    “Uh yeah,” said Rocky in a creep out way.

    One of the men then came and grabbed Rocky.

    “Alright let the fellow out of his ball sugar,” said the man with green hair.

    “Uh ok,” said Rocky as he was still acting scared of the two.

    Umbreon then came out of his ball. The blonde headed man picked up Umbreon and sat it in a chair.

    “Alright let’s start honey,” said the man as he began cutting Umbreon’s hair.

    “Hey Rocky are you okay?” May asked him as she walked in.

    “I-I’m f-fine May,” said Rocky as he couldn’t bare seeing Umbreon that way.

    “Ok your freaking me out,” she said.

    “Alright let’s wash that fur baby,” said the green haired man as he sat Umbreon in a sink.

    He then ran water on him and put shampoo in it’s fur and began washing.

    “I think that’s good enough,” said Rocky.

    “No it needs more beauty,” said the blonde haired man.

    “No it doesn’t!” yelled Rocky as he returned his Pokemon to it’s ball.

    Rocky quickly sat money on the counter and ran out the door.

    “Please excuse my friend guys he’s just not acting right today,” said May as she left the Salon.

    May caught up to Rocky and grabbed his shirt’s collar.

    “What was that for?” she asked in an angry mood.

    “I don’t like those guys,” said Rocky.

    “And why is that?” she asked again.

    “Because I was expecting them to be better than that,” he whispered.

    “Oh my God Rocky what is wrong with you,” said May as she walked off.

    "What it's not my fault the Johto Groomists were better!" yelled Rocky as he chased after May.

    Then music began playing around the town square.

    “What’s going on?” May asked Rocky.

    “Don’t know,” said Rocky.

    “This happens every so often every day kids,” said a woman.

    “It does, wow,” said May.

    “Oh Ma’am have you seen two boys our age around here,” said Rocky.

    “Hm well my son is kind of close to your size boy,” she said.

    “Well I’m 14 is he?” Rocky asked.

    “He is, his friend is a little older though,” she said.

    “What do they look like?” May asked.

    “My son has blonde hair and wears an orange and white striped shirt, and the other boy should be close by,” She said

    “Alright thanks ma’am,” said May.

    Rocky and May then walked off to look for the two boys. Meanwhile downtown the two boys were eating at a hot dog stand.

    “Yum this hot dog is great,” said one of them.

    “Yeah but I’ve had better,” said the other.

    “Hey you two I hear someone’s looking for you,” said the hot dog man.

    “Huh really?” one of the boy’s asked.

    “Yeah they are up at town’s square,” he said.

    “Come on let’s go see what this is about,” said one of the boys.

    The two boys walked off. Rocky and May were still in town’s square looking around for the two boys.

    “Uh gosh I had no idea it was going to be this hard,” said May.

    “May don’t worry we’ll find them sometime,” said Rocky.

    “Hey are you the guys who are looking for us,” said one of the boys.

    “Huh?” Said Rocky and May as they turned around.

    “My name is Dakota,” said the blonde haired trainer.

    “And I’m Adam,” said the boy with the red hat.

    “Yeah we were told to find you by Professor Rowan,” said Rocky.

    “Oh Really that old coot wants us to travel with you two,” said Dakota.

    “What’s wrong with us?” May asked.

    “Your losers,” said Dakota.

    "What'd you call me!" Rocky yelled at Dakota. Rocky's face was boiling red with anger from that.

    “Dakota stop being rude, he wants us to start traveling so we can get stronger, I know,” said Adam.

    “I guess that’s true,” said Rocky.

    “But in order for us to go you have to beat me in a battle,” said Adam.

    “Your on Adam,” said Rocky.

    Adam grabbed a white and red ball from his belt.

    “Go Zangoose!” yelled Adam.

    The white ferret lifted it's black claws into the air. "Zang," said the Pokemon once it was ready.

    “Umbreon get out there!” yelled Rocky.

    "Breon!" Umbreon shouted as it came out. Umbreon's rings were glowing with pride.

    “Zangoose use slash!” Yelled Adam.

    “Zan!” yelled the pokemon as it ran towards at Umbreon. "Goose!" it yelled as it leapt uup into the air and was coming down fast.

    “Iron tail now!” yelled Rocky as he pointed at Zangoose.

    Umbreon’s tail glowed and it swung it’s tail and hit zangoose's claws as they were coming in.

    “Zangoose fight back with crush claw!” Yelled Adam.

    Zangoose came running at Umbreon and hit it with it’s claws. Umbreon then quickly jumped up and started growling. Umbreon's rings then started to glow brighter than ever before.

    “Umbreon don’t give up!” yelled May.

    “Umbreon moonlight attack!” Yelled Rocky.

    “Breon!” Yelled Umbreon as it yellow rings on it’s body began to glow. Umbreon's rings were as bright as the sun's rays. The rings then died down. "Umbre," said Umbreon as it was ready to battle.

    “Zangoose stop it with fire blast!” Adam shouted.

    “Goose!” Zangoose shouted as it began taking in deep breaths. "Zang!" yelled the cat ferret Pokemon as scorching hot flames shot from it's mouth. The flames formed a star shape and it went straight at Umbreon and hit it head first. Umbreon slowly stood back up.

    “Hang in there!” May yelled..

    Umbreon was barely standing but it wasn’t going to give up. Umbreon began growling at Zangoose again.

    “Zangoose finish it off with crush claw now!” Yelled Adam.

    "Zang!" the Pokemon yelled as it's claws on it's right paw began glowing in a white color. "Goose!" it shouted as it's arm was coming down at full speed.

    “Umbreon double team now,” said Rocky quickly.

    "Bre!" Umbreon shouted everytime another copy appeared. "Breon!" they all shouted at the same time.

    “This could work,” said Rocky to himself.

    “Use faint attack!” yelled Rocky

    "Breon!" the original one shouted as it began running at Zangoose. "Bre?" said Umbreon as it stared down a dark alley. Zangoose then turned around and looked to see what it was. "Umbre!" Yelled Umbreon as it dashed at Zangoose and tackled it back to it's trainer.

    “Zangoose get up now!” Yelled Adam.

    "Goo," said Zangoose as it stood up. It was showing no mercy and wouldn't give up.

    “Now hidden power!” yelled Rocky.

    "Bre!" Umbreon growled as white energy orbs began forming around it. "Umbre!" the moonlight Pokemon yelled as it let loose all the orbs. The orbs flew towards Zangoose and hit him one after another.

    “Zangoose come on!” Adam pleaded his Pokemon

    "Zang," it said as it rose back up to it's feet.

    "Now show them your Blizzard attack!" Adam commanded.

    Zangoose then took in a deep breath. "Goose!" it roared as a snow flurry shot straight out of it's mouth. The attack hit Umbreon's front paw and froze it to the ground. Umbreon began struggling to get loose but couldn't.

    "Now Zangoose quick attack!" yelled Adam.

    "Goose!" yelled the cat ferret Pokemon as it ran at an incredible speed towards Umbreon. "Zang!" it said as it continued to run.

    "Umbreon use Psychic to stop it in it's track's!" Yelled Rocky.

    "Breon!" the pokemon screamed as it's eyes glowed with psychic power and stopped Zangoose in it's tracks. "Umbreon!" Umbreon then tossed Zangoose into the air with it's Psychic attack.

    "Uh no Zangoose!" Yelled Adam.

    Zangoose then came crashing down. It had fainted.

    "Oh man I wasn't expecting that," said Adam as he walked up to Zangoose and checked on him.

    "He alright?" Rocky asked as he walked up.

    "He'll be fine Rocky and thanks for that battle," said Adam.

    “I guess you guys will be coming then,” said May.

    “Yeah I guess so,” said Dakota.

    Zangoose then woke up and walked up to Umbreon and shook it’s paw.

    “Wow those two are friends already,” said Rocky.

    The four kids laughed at the two pokemon.

    “Hey we should be heading to Sandgem Town now,” said Adam.

    “Yeah your right,” said Dakota.

    Adam and Rocky returned their pokemon to their balls. The kids then packed up and headed out.

    “We are on route 201 you guys,” said Adam.

    “I know there’s a lake to the west and Sandgem is to the east,” said Dakota.

    “The lake sounds nice,” said May.

    “But we need to get to Sandgem Town May,” said Rocky.

    “How about we go to the lake to get some training done,” said Adam.

    “That would be great, said Dakota.

    “Alright lake it is,” said Rocky.

    The four of them headed west for the lake.

    “So what’s this lake like?” May asked.

    “It’s amazing, pretty big and beautiful,” said Dakota.

    As they were walking the sky began to cloud up. Thunder began to rumble and lightning lit up the sky. A sudden downpour then came down. The four kids began running in search for shelter.

    “We need to get somewhere dry,” said Adam.

    “I know there’s a cave around here somewhere,” said Dakota.

    Dakota began searching behind bushes and trees for the cave but there was no sign of it. A loud clap of thunder exploded in the sky.

    “I see a cave up ahead!” yelled Rocky.

    All four of them ran into the cave. May took off her bandanna and gloves. Dakota went to the back and sat down.

    “Whew, I’m soaked, actually we all are,” said Dakota.

    “A-Achoo,” said Adam as he sneezed.

    “Bless you,” said May.

    “Hey guys when do you think the rain will stop,” said Rocky.

    “It depends,” said Adam.

    “Gosh I’m freezing,” said May.

    “Here,” said Rocky as he took a sleeping bag out of his back pack.

    May grabbed the sleeping bag and wrapped herself up in it.

    “ How about we just tell each other about ourselves,” said Dakota.

    “Well I had to go to trainer school in Hoenn,” said May.

    “I moved to Hoenn right as I turned twelve years old,” said Rocky.

    “Where were you from?” Dakota asked.

    “Goldenrod City, was a nice place,” said Rocky.

    “I went to the museum in Eterna City pretty nice stuff there,” said Adam.

    “Hey Rocky did you enter the Hoenn League?” Dakota asked.

    “Yeah I got the championship,” said Rocky.

    “ I was in the top eight,” said Dakota.

    “I was in the grand festival of Hoenn,” said May.

    “Really how did you do,” said Adam.

    “Top four,” she said.

    “Yeah but maybe you’ll do better here,” said Rocky.

    “I don’t think the rain will stop before night fall,” said Adam.

    “Yeah we may have to sleep in here,” said May.

    As the rain continued to fall the trainers inside of the cave fell asleep. During the night the rain stopped. In the forest were pokemon waking up from their sleep. Starly’s were flying off of the branches of trees. Bidoof were gnawing on fallen trees.

    Rocky woke up and looked out of the cave and saw that the rain had stopped.

    “Well that’s good,” he said as he laid back down.

    He then jumped up and walked outside and tossed Umbreon’s Luxury ball out. Umbreon appeared with it’s yellow rings glowing.

    “Hey Umbreon do you think it’s about time we tried teaching you a new dark move,” said Rocky with pride.

    “Bre!” said the pokemon as it walked up to him.

    “Let’s what new dark moves you can learn?” Rocky told the Pokemon as he reached into his back pack and pulled out a book.

    “You can learn dark pulse, assurance, payback, and sucker punch,” Rocky told the black pokemon.

    “Umbre?” Umbreon was confused of those words.

    “Let’s try learning Dark Pulse alright buddy,” said Rocky as he patted his Pokemon head.

    “Breon,” said Umbreon as it got into a ready position.

    “Alright we’ll start sometime soon, but we need to get going to the lake,” said Rocky.

    EDIT: redid Zangoose/Umbreon battle.
    Last edited: Jan 13, 2009
  12. miler567

    miler567 Well-Known Member

    This chapter was way to dialogue heavy and your battle between zangoose and umbreon lacked excitement but the worst part was your obviously biased views toward the gay community. That part was bigoted and biased and based on stereotypes. I am neither a proponent nor a fan of this fan fic for now and you seriously need to open your eyes.
  13. DJ1994

    DJ1994 Member

    I redone the battle between Umbreon/Zangoose and removed the gay saying.
  14. miler567

    miler567 Well-Known Member

    Better. The battle was lengthier and more realistic and now your story is slightly more PC. Thank you for actually taken criticism to heart instead of just getting offended. Keep it up.
  15. DJ1994

    DJ1994 Member

    I have redone Chapters 1 and 2's battles.

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