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Pokemon Star! [preview]

Ventus3

Waiting for summer
Title: Pokemon Star!
Genre: Crossover/Humour fic
Crossover: Lucky Star + Pokemon
Rating: [PG 13 for: Crude/slightly perverted humour, fantasy violence, and slight suggestive themes that are probably innocent but still mentionable xD]

Tick tock, tick tock the clock's hands moved as the time sluggishly passed. The blue haired Konata fell half asleep, listening to her teacher's lecture about appropriate behavior over summer vacation. Konata honestly could not care less, which was why she was constantly pushing her head back up to keep from falling asleep.

"And remember, you are all still students, so stay on your best behavior and do your summer homework," the teacher warned to the students.

The bell rung and Konata suddenly alive with energy, dashed out the door before anybody else could get up. Konata quickly gathered her things and went out to greet her friends. She looked at her friends who just noticed Konata coming. Konata was definitely very small for a 16 year old. Konata was definitely not the standard when it came to size, or puberty for that matter.

"Hello Konata, are you ready for summer break?" Miyuki asked, her long, shiny pink hair fluttering in the breeze while her thick, circular glasses covered her eyes.

"Hello Miyuki," Konata responded. "I'm ready for summer break, but I'm not sure tubby is," Konata teased to Kagami.

"Shut it Konata!" Kagami threatened back while her two purple pigtails jumped up with rage.

"Uh, so, should we plan anything over the summer?" Tsukasa asked, her short purple hair and her cute little bow gently blowing in the summer breeze.

Tsukasa and Kagami were twins. They were very different though, Kagami being the smart one and Tsukasa being the not intelligent one of the two. They also had very different hair styles and usually act in an opposite manner to the same situation. Kagami is usually annoyed at Konata because of her wise remarks.

"Meh, don't bother Tsukasa, I'm happy that I'll see less of Konata anyway," Kagami whispered to Tsukasa.

"Oh, never mind then, we'll just plan something later, see you two!" Tsukasa said as she boarded the train with her twin.

Meanwhile Miyuki and Konata went their separate ways. Konata walked down until she found her port to go to her home. It took awhile since it was one of the last ports. Not only that, but, Konata's house was located a far way away from the city where her school was, so she usually had to board the train. Konata got on the train, and soon, it left for the destination nearest to her house. The train's lights were messed up, so the lights ominously flickered off. Soon, Konata became tired, and fell asleep.

This time, it was different; she started to have a dream.

"What is going on?" Konata thought to herself as she stood floating in the void.

Palkia and Dialga merely glimpsed at the short cerulean haired girl before they continued their ever raging battle for power. Dialga roared using its time powers, it missed entirely as Palkia flew to the side of the attack. Dialga stepped back and then had to stand still as Palkia prepared a gigantic spacial rend. The spacial rend missed miserably as it collided with the barrier separating the pokemon world from the human world, the spacial rend caused it to deteriorate, making a portal between the pokemon and human worlds start to open.

What does this. . . Konata thought to herself before she woke up and realized she was at her stop.

Konata got off and walked about half a mile, contemplating what she had just seen. She had no trouble believing it; it would just be the trouble of explaining to her father about the dream that she had experienced.

Yutaka had been at home sick, and was laying in bed. The frail, short, red haired girl looked like a ten year old despite the fact that she was fourteen. She saw that Konata was coming near her bed, so she sat up, but just fell back down from being so weak.

"Good afternoon. . .Konata," Yutaka hoarsely greeted Konata.

"I'm sorry you're sick; have you had a dream lately of some kind of portal opening?" Konata asked her little cousin.

"Yes, I have, I saw some pink and blue creature fighting eachother, I was telling them to stop, but they didn't" Yutaka whispered weakly.

Meanwhile, Kagami and Tsukasa came home. They left their books on their desks and turned on the lights to realize that something had occured that was definitely not of their doing.

"Spiri, spiritomb" a spiritomb called in Kagami's room.

"Konata, what the crap did you do this time!?!" Kagami yelled.

Tsukasa heard Kagami yell near by, but she did not really mind. She turned on her light and saw nothing on her bed, so she looked up on the cieling.

"Oh my goodness, you're the cutest squirrel ever!" Tsukasa said, excited that there was a Pachirisu in her room.

"Pachi!" the cute Pachirisu called as it jumped down onto the floor to reveal itself.

Pachirisu stood up. Her tail was long and had a blue stripe that ran down it. She had small buckteeth that stuck out that made her seem even more cute than Tsukasa had once assumed. Pachirisu's blue cheecks glowed with electrical power.

Konata, after talking to her little cousin, Yutaka, she went into her room and turned on the lights to see her bed sheets turned into a nest of some sort with a chimchar resting in it. It was orange and had mischievious blue eyes that looked at Konata happily.

"I'm in, heaven," Konata thought to herself before she did a victory dance and picked up the chimchar.

Miyuki was walking the rest of the way to her house, she noticed that her mother was not home, so Miyuki got out the key out of her tote bag, and opened the door to her large house. She walked inside and walked upstairs.

"I wonder, I hear something, what could it be?" Miyuki thought to herself as she turned on the lights in her room.

"Swablu!" a swablu chirped excitedly as it fluttered on its puffy wings to Miyuki.

"Hello birdy; I'll take care of you don't worry," Miyuki calmed the bird down as the swablu perched on her chest. "Um, birdy, please don't perch there, perch on my head please," Miyuki asked kindly as the swablu flew up and perched on her head to look like a puffy white hat.

To be continued if you comment xD.
 
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Bay

YEAHHHHHHH
Haha, a Pokémon and Lucky Star crossover? That sounds fun and I actually think that might work. Hey, Konota mentions one time how one of her skills is she can named all of the Pokémon in one of the latter episodes. XD I quite like already how the Pokémon came and the girls’ reactions. XD

I want to mention a couple of things first. First, your grammar. You kind of changed from past tense to prefect tense whenever you mention something about the characters. For instance:
Tick tock, tick tock the clock turned as it showed the time sluggishly passed. The blue haired Konata was half asleep, listening to her teacher's lecture about appropriate behavior over summer vacation. Konata honestly could not care less, which was why she was constantly pushing her head back up to keep from falling asleep.
Miyuki is one of Konata's friends and classmates. She has long, shiny pink hair and wears glasses. She is very smart, and her only flaw is the fact that she is clumsy.

First quote you have past tense (example “clock turned as it showed the time sluggishly passed) while in second quote you have present tense (example “Miyuki is one of Konota’s friends and classmates) I would say go back to make sure you have the tenses right, maybe also have someone else check it for you. Tenses are actually my weakest grammar point, so I have a beta check over any tense mistakes I might’ve missed.

Besides the tenses, there’s also a couple typos and one other mistake I saw.
Tsukasa heard Kagami yell near by, but she did not really mind. She turned on her light and saw nothing on her bed, so she looked up on the ceiling.

"Oh my goodness, you're the cutest squirrell ever!" Tsukasa said excited that there was a Pachirisu in her room.
“Squirrel.” Also, on the second bolded part you should put a comma after said, the sentence would then flow better.
Another thing I want to mention is the mistake you did with the names.

Meanwhile, Konata and Tsukasa came home. They left their books on their desks and turned on the lights to realize that something had occured that was definitely not of their doing.

Isn’t it supposed to be Kagami?

Anyways, this seems like it’ll be fun. Pretty much watch your grammar and make sure everything flows right. Let me know when you post the thread :). And sorry to ask, but is this going to be a one-short or a chaptered fic? ^^;
 

Ventus3

Waiting for summer
Thanks, that was helpful, I shortened down the first sentence so that it made sense yeah, I'm not the best at verbs and their tenses either. I'll go check with somebody on another site that I usually have beta read my fics (I did a crossover with Bakugan and Lucky Star once, but anyway). She's really good with grammar. And yes, this will be a chaptered fiction, that was actually an excerpt from the first chapter, yeah, the first chapter will be long to get things out of the way.
 
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oRaNgE~1337

Well-Known Member
EDIT: I didn't notice the Konata/Kagami thing when I red through it. :( Even so, I think I commented on all that I could for this exerpt.

Ventus3 said:
Tick tock, tick tock the clock turned as it showed the time sluggishly passed. The blue haired Konata was half asleep, listening to her teacher's lecture about appropriate behavior over summer vacation. Konata honestly could not care less, which was why she was constantly pushing her head back up to keep from falling asleep.
This makes Konata sound like a brand name or something. By the way, what do you mean by turned?

The bell rung and Konata, suddenly alive with energy, dashed out the door before anybody else could get up. Konata quickly gathered her things and went out to greet her friends. She looked at her friends who just noticed Konata coming. Konata was definitely very small for a 16 year old, in fact, she often complains about her size, but uses it to her advantage.
It is better to use actions instead of words to describe people, unless the narration is in the first person, which it isn't.

Miyuki is one of Konata's friends and classmates. She has long, shiny pink hair and wears glasses. She is very smart, and her only flaw is the fact that she is clumsy.
Why did you switch tenses? This is also telling. The stuff about the hair and glasses is fine, but it wouldn't work well as its own paragraph anyway. Find a way to put that information somewhere so that it gets through without breaking the flow.

Kagami has purple hair that is tied into two pig tails. She has a twin named Tsukasa and is the smartest one of the two, she works hard, but is easily annoyed by Konata's wise remarks and schemes to copy her homework.
You changed tenses, and it's also telling. Plus, the reader hasn't met the twin yet, so we don't need to know.

Tsukasa also has purple hair, but her hair is much shorter and has a bow on the top. She is Kagami's twin and is the less intelligent of the two. She met Konata while playing a role playing game on the internet.
Blah.

Meanwhile Miyuki and Konata went their separate ways. Konata walked down until she found her port to go to her home. Konata's house was located a far way away from the city where her school was, so she usually had to board the train. Konata got on the train, and soon, it left for the destination nearest to her house. Soon, Konata became tired, and fell asleep.
You could of described her walking to the train, and maybe the train itself to add a bit of suspense.

This time though, it was different; she started to have a dream.
Independent clauses shouldn't be combined with just a comma.

"What is going on?" Konata thought to herself as she stood floating in the dimensional void.
Dimensional? How is a can vacuum more dimensional than anything else?

Palkia and Dialga merely glimpsed at the short cerulean haired girl before they continued their ever raging battle for power. Dialga roared using its time ppowers, it missed entirely as Palkia countered with a water pulse. Dialga stepped back and then had to stand still as Palkia prepared a gigantic spacial rend. The spacial rend grew gigantic and ripped open an immense portal between the pokemon and human world that Konata lived in.
At least you tried to describe the humans. Diagla couldn't of missed Palkia if Palkia had to counter the attack. The last sentence didn't make any sense to me, but maybe I'm dumb.

"What does this..." Konata thought to herself before she woke up and realized she was at her stop.
You don't need a comma. Unless Kontata was thinking out loud, you don't need quotation marks either.

Konata got off and walked about half a mile, contemplating what she had just seen. She had no trouble believing it; it would just be the trouble of explaining to her father about the dream that she had experienced.
Not much, really.

Yutaka had been at home sick, and was laying in bed. The frail, red haired girl looked like a ten year old despite the fact that she was fourteen. She saw that Konata was coming near her bed.
That's a bit better of a description than before, but how does she not look fourteen? Is she short or what?

"Good afternoon... Konata," Yutaka hoarsely greeted Konata.

"I'm sorry you're sick; have you had a dream lately of some kind of portal opening?" Konata asked her little cousin.

"Yes, I have, I saw some pink and blue creature fighting eachother, I was telling them to stop, but they didn't," Yutaka whispered weakly.
There were mild grammar errors. Not much, though.

Tsukasa heard Kagami yell near by, but she did not really mind. She turned on her light and saw nothing on her bed, so she looked up on the ceiling.
Misspelt words are bad. They just are.

"Oh my goodness, you're the cutest squirrel ever!" Tsukasa said excitedly that since there was a Pachirisu in her room.
Description of the Pachirisu would be nice.

Konata, after talking to her little cousin, Yutaka, she went into her room and turned on the lights to see her bed sheets turned into a nest of some sort with a chimchar resting in it.

"I'm in... heaven," Konata thought to herself before she did a victory dance and picked up the chimchar.
Description for the Chimchar is nonexistant.

"Hello birdy, I'll take care of you; don't worry," Miyuki calmed the bird down as the swablu perched on her chest.

"Um, birdy, please don't perch there, perch on my head please," Miyuki asked kindly as the swablu flew up and perched on her head to looke like a puffy white hat.
I think you should combine the last two paragraphs together.

I don't know anything about Lucky Star. Blah.
 
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Ventus3

Waiting for summer
That was a help xD. Thanks Orange, I guess I should've warned that you kind of need to know both animes at least some. xD

Edit: Only has two pages of chapter five left to type so it'll be out soon.

Edit two: Chapter one's out and running! I'm gonna have chapter two up tomorrow, sorry for the long wait -__- many things to deal with like my annoying little brother and sister.
 
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