Pokemon Tano Platinum

[Nerdy McNerdface]

So, uh, hi. This is a fanfic that I've been posting on fanfiction.net for just over six weeks now, and I've decided I might as well post it here too. Partly because I think people here might like it, and partly because it literally only has 2 faves and follows over there and I want it to get a little more exposure in case people like it.

The AU concept is basically what it would be like if the main protagonist of Pokemon Platinum was replaced by the five stat trainers. Despite the plot structure being based off the games, I'm treating it more like the anime. I don't know how long it'll run for, but I'm aiming at about a year and a half. It's rated K+ because cartoon violence or something like that. Enjoy, I guess!

Note - the name "Tano" stems from the Swahili word for "five". I think you can see the symbolism there.

Part 1 - A New Adventure!

Mira clutched the Poke ball her mother had given to her in delight. She had been told that today was finally the day she could become a proper Pokemon trainer, and she wasn't going to take the revelation lightly.

The young girl had been given her mother's Abra for her first Pokemon, as her mother had taught it Flash to keep her safe in the caves. It also knew teleport, so Mira could get out of a sticky situation if she wanted.

Currently it was hovering beside her in Wayward Cave, using Flash to keep the dark at bay.

Mira was bursting with excitement. A friend from the Pokemon trainer's school had said that one of the strongest Pokemon in the Sinnoh region, Garchomp, could be found in the form of its pre-evolution in Wayward Cave, and Mira had told herself that she'd catch one.

Her train of thought was interrupted by a sudden Pokemon cry ahead of her.

"Ok, Abra!" She told it, "show me what Pokemon is in front of us!"

Abra obeyed her command, gently floating in front of Mira.

There, in front of her, was what she recognised to be a Gible. It had a murky blue fin with a small crack in it, and small protrusions coming out from either side of its head. It's chin was a dark orange, and its mouth took up most of its body. Both pairs of limbs were very stumpy, and if Mira looked a little closely she could see small teeth in its mouth.

This right here was Garchomp's pre-evolution.

"All right!" Mira squealed in excitement, "Abra-"

Before she even had a chance to check its current moveset, the Gible began to shiver, as though it was panicked.

Of course, Mira, being a young and naive girl, simply thought it was a little cold.

She took out a Luxury Ball from her backpack. "Hey, do you want to get in this? It's the nicest Poke ball Mira owns. You'll be warm in there."

The Gible didn't pay attention, and ran away.

The young girl crossed her arms. "Well that's just rude-"

A sudden rumble startled her.

She looked around with the help of Abra's Flash. Nothing nearby her appeared to be causing any kind of commotion.

Another rumble.

She looked up at the ceiling.

From what she could see, it had large rocks hanging down from the roof (Mira couldn't remember if they were stalactites or stalagmites), and they were shaking slightly, as though they were about to fall at any minute.

Mira knew she should have ran.

But she was almost frozen in fear of them crashing down onto her and ending her Pokemon trainer adventure before it had even begun.
Suddenly, a crash behind her caused her to scream out in shock.

As she turned to look behind her, she saw a huge stalactite/stalagmite blocking her path back to the exit.

The next crash came from in front of her.

She turned back and saw another one blocking her path forwards.

Trembling with fear, she knew that there were multiple of them hanging from the ceiling that were probably going to cave in at any moment.

Mira knew there was no escape now.

She curled up on the floor in a ball in the hope that it would give her more of a chance of getting out of this without injury.

A sudden rumbling noise, coming from above.

Mira closed her eyes and turned away so as to avoid having to look at it.

Any minute now, it should hit her.

Any minute now.

The impact was being delayed by something.

Mira didn't want to look.

Then she remembered her Abra.

"Abra! Abra! Come to Mira!"

Before she could even try to open her eyes and see where Abra was, it had already teleported to her side.

There, it held her arm, and both of them vanished from the cave.

============

Cheryl hadn't known what to expect when she travelled to Eterna Forest that day.

She had simply gone there to train up her Happiny, and buy a few more potions while she was at it.

She hadn't expected to find a young girl with pink hair and a yellow backpack, passed out in the path, an Abra floating beside her.

Not knowing what else to do, Cheryl had taken the young girl back to her home in Twinleaf town. She had used her knowledge of health and healing to work out why the girl had most likely passed out (the adrenaline that she had located in her bloodstream, plus the lack of any other obvious wounds suggested shock), and tucked her into Cheryl's bed.

Now all Cheryl had to do was wait for the girl to wake up.
She spent ten minutes simply sat by the girl's side, but she quickly grew bored, and selected a book from her bookshelf and returned to the girl.

There she sat for about an hour, before a small moan surprised her.

The girl who she had been looking after was staring at the ceiling, consciousness regained.

Cheryl decided to ask the most obvious question first. "Are you ok?"

"M-Mira's fine..." the girl mumbled, "what happened?"

"To be honest," Cheryl replied in a soft voice, "I'm not sure either. One minute I was walking in Eterna Forest, next I was confronted with a fainted girl and her Abra. I knew you had passed out from the shock of something, but I wasn't sure what caused it."
The girl, who Cheryl assumed was named Mira, gained enough strength to sit up, albeit slowly and shakily. "Mira was in the Wayward Cave, before some stala...stala-"

"Stalactites?" Cheryl asked, "so to speak, pointed rocks hanging from the ceiling."

"Those," Mira continued, "they began to fall from the ceiling because they were old or... something. Anyway, Mira was close to getting hurt, but then Abra helped Mira get away!"

Cheryl nodded. "That explains a lot. Why you were in Eterna Forest, and why you had passed out from what I assumed to be shock."

Cheryl stood up. "Anyway, you're safe now you're in my house. The name's Cheryl, by the way. And I'm assuming you're Mira?"

Mira's mouth opened wide in surprise. "How did you work out-"

"You always refer to yourself in the third person. So to speak, you don't use the words 'I" and 'me" and use your name instead."

Mira paused, then slowly nodded. "Ah, that makes sense. Mira only does it out of habit, so Mira often forgets!"

Cheryl smiled. Mira was adorable.

Placing the book back onto the shelf, she turned to Mira. "So, are you going to leave now that you're feeling a little stronger?"

Mira shrugged. "Mira would, but Mira doesn't know this area well. Mira would love it if someone could show her the way to the nearest town!"

"Well, I guess I could..."

"Yay!" Mira cried out, punching the air with joy, "Mira has a new friend!"

Cheryl laughed.

Mira hopped out of the bed, before spotting her backpack on the nearby desk and wandering over to pick it up.

Suddenly, Mira realised something.

"Wait, where's Abra?"

"Don't worry about your Abra," Cheryl told her, "I called it back into its Poke ball. It's safe, don't worry."

Mira sighed with faint relief. "Phew. Anyway, come on Cheryl! Mira is ready to travel with her new friend!"

Cheryl followed the enthusiastic young girl down the stairs.

==============

After an intense incident within Wayward Cave, young Mira found herself saved by a kind girl named Cheryl. After talking for a short amount of time, Cheryl agreed to take Mira to the nearest town since Mira doesn't know her current surroundings. What fate will meet the two girls? The journey continues!

 

[Mia Blaze]

Quick warning, you'll need to put space bars in between speech to not make a wall of text. It's the same as making a paragraph on a document, use the enter bar.

Mira and Cheryl are awesome together and good luck with getting more readers!

 

[Nerdy McNerdface]

Quick warning, you'll need to put space bars in between speech to not make a wall of text. It's the same as making a paragraph on a document, use the enter bar.

Ok, I'll quickly do that now!

 

[Chibi Pika]

Well this is an interesting idea! Not many people write about the stat trainers. Heck, not many people remember the stat trainers. There's a lot of potential for interesting character interactions there.

I have two main things I'd advise for you:

The first is I think you tend to summarize what's going on a bit much, instead of just showing the reader. Take this passage for example:

She had simply gone there to train up her Happiny, and buy a few more potions while she was at it.

She hadn't expected to find a young girl with pink hair and a yellow backpack, passed out in the path, an Abra floating beside her.

I think it'd be more interesting if we got to see her training her Happiny (to see what her relationship with her Pokemon is like) and then actually see her reaction to stumbling upon Mira firsthand, rather than summing it up after the fact.

The other thing is I think you break up your paragraphs a bit too frequently. While single line paragraphs can create a jerky sort of dramatic effect, if you use it for every line, it just prevents the narrative from ever flowing right. Lines like "Mira knew there was no escape now" and the "any minute now" work well being a paragraph by themselves because that heightens the drama, but I think a lot of the others should have been combined into bigger paragraphs. (Mia Blaze was right about the dialogue though.)

Other than that, this looks like an interesting beginning to a story with a lot of fun character potential, especially when Buck and Riley show up (those two were always my favorite.) Good luck and keep at it!

~Chibi~;249;;448;

 

[JX Valentine]

Hmm. This is an interesting start. I must admit, it's been quite a while since I've seen fic about Sinnoh characters, never mind ones who are rarely used in fic to begin with. To be honest, I'm a bit of a sucker for underused characters, so this is a nice change of pace based on premise alone.

Of course, from what I can recall of both Cheryl and Mira, your interpretations are spot-on, with Mira's almost childlike bounciness (complete with third-person speech patterns) and Cheryl's kindness and concern for complete strangers.

On top of that, the hint of a plot is rather intriguing too. I haven't checked the FFN version to read the summary (because I'd like to fly blind here), but if you mean "what if the protagonist of Pokémon Platinum was replaced by the five stat trainers," you mean that you are literally retelling the story of Platinum, just with those characters, then I've got a few theories about what was up in Wayback Cave. Granted, I also realize that most of my theories only work if Mira was traveling through Turnback Cave, but practically every piece of Sinnohan rock has some kind of legendary shenanigans going on with it, amirite?

In terms of crit, I've only really got a couple of nitpicks in mind that I'd recommend keeping an eye out for:

1. Capitalization. You capitalize "Gible" when it's referring to a random Gible, but then you also say that Mira's Abra "knew teleport," and you only capitalize half of "Poké Ball." If it's intentional, feel free to disregard this, but if it's an accident, I'd just be a little more careful when proofreading.
2. Pacing. Now, I know Mia Blaze already pointed pacing out, but I'd also like to bring up the fact that it'll help to keep distances in mind. I say this because Cheryl starts off in Eterna Forest but carries Mira all the way to Twinleaf Town. While the games might make that seem doable, keep in mind that there are multiple towns and a city between those two points. Since you want to mimic the anime's tone, it'll also help to go back and take a look at how the anime handled the timing between the start of Dawn's journey and the episodes in which she and the others met Gardenia. That should give you a good idea of how long it should take for Cheryl to make that trip (and, later, for Mira to go back to Eterna Forest). If you really did intend on having Mira spend that entire journey unconscious, however, then ... that was some injury, forreal.

Long story short, it's not a bad start. With your cast alone, it should really be interesting to see where this goes from here, especially since doing a retelling of Platinum might be a nice dose of nostalgia for some of us.

Good luck!

 

[Nerdy McNerdface]

Well this is an interesting idea! Not many people write about the stat trainers. Heck, not many people remember the stat trainers. There's a lot of potential for interesting character interactions there.

Tell me about it. "Do you remember that stat trainers?" "The f**k are those people?"

But yeah, the fact that their personalities can both contrast and blend works as a potential idea for a travelling group, which was one of the things that motivated me to write it! Aside from the lack of stat trainer love, of course.

I have two main things I'd advise for you:

The first is I think you tend to summarize what's going on a bit much, instead of just showing the reader. Take this passage for example:

I think it'd be more interesting if we got to see her training her Happiny (to see what her relationship with her Pokemon is like) and then actually see her reaction to stumbling upon Mira firsthand, rather than summing it up after the fact.

I can see where you're coming from. This was very early in the fic's development, and so I had not much to base the early parts on. In hindsight, it could've been a lot better. I'll try and add more emphasis on the relationships between trainer and Pokemon in future!

The other thing is I think you break up your paragraphs a bit too frequently. While single line paragraphs can create a jerky sort of dramatic effect, if you use it for every line, it just prevents the narrative from ever flowing right. Lines like "Mira knew there was no escape now" and the "any minute now" work well being a paragraph by themselves because that heightens the drama, but I think a lot of the others should have been combined into bigger paragraphs. (Mia Blaze was right about the dialogue though.)

I can see where you're coming from here too. I'll bear this in mind for future parts.

Other than that, this looks like an interesting beginning to a story with a lot of fun character potential, especially when Buck and Riley show up (those two were always my favorite.) Good luck and keep at it!

~Chibi~;249;;448;

Thanks! FYI Buck's gonna be the next one dropping in, so you can look forward to that. Riley's gonna be after as well, with Marley joining last. I won't hint at when though since we need some sort of surprise when they show up

Hmm. This is an interesting start. I must admit, it's been quite a while since I've seen fic about Sinnoh characters, never mind ones who are rarely used in fic to begin with. To be honest, I'm a bit of a sucker for underused characters, so this is a nice change of pace based on premise alone.

That's kinda why I wrote it, I found it underrated.

Of course, from what I can recall of both Cheryl and Mira, your interpretations are spot-on, with Mira's almost childlike bounciness (complete with third-person speech patterns) and Cheryl's kindness and concern for complete strangers.

I think I tried almost way too hard on that front. With so little to go off of I had to make sure that what was there before, stayed there here.

On top of that, the hint of a plot is rather intriguing too. I haven't checked the FFN version to read the summary (because I'd like to fly blind here), but if you mean "what if the protagonist of Pokémon Platinum was replaced by the five stat trainers," you mean that you are literally retelling the story of Platinum, just with those characters, then I've got a few theories about what was up in Wayback Cave. Granted, I also realize that most of my theories only work if Mira was traveling through Turnback Cave, but practically every piece of Sinnohan rock has some kind of legendary shenanigans going on with it, amirite?

I'm actually planning something for Wayward Cave! I'll give a little hint - Mira's Abra doesn't have any moves that cast up shields.

In terms of crit, I've only really got a couple of nitpicks in mind that I'd recommend keeping an eye out for:

1. Capitalization. You capitalize "Gible" when it's referring to a random Gible, but then you also say that Mira's Abra "knew teleport," and you only capitalize half of "Poké Ball." If it's intentional, feel free to disregard this, but if it's an accident, I'd just be a little more careful when proofreading.

I think the teleport thing might've been an accident so thanks for pointing that out, but in my style of writing I just capitalise every Pokemon's name so it was intentional. I also only capitalise the Poke in Poke ball and find it too tedious to add the accent, so I guess that was intentional too.

2. Pacing. Now, I know Mia Blaze already pointed pacing out, but I'd also like to bring up the fact that it'll help to keep distances in mind. I say this because Cheryl starts off in Eterna Forest but carries Mira all the way to Twinleaf Town. While the games might make that seem doable, keep in mind that there are multiple towns and a city between those two points. Since you want to mimic the anime's tone, it'll also help to go back and take a look at how the anime handled the timing between the start of Dawn's journey and the episodes in which she and the others met Gardenia. That should give you a good idea of how long it should take for Cheryl to make that trip (and, later, for Mira to go back to Eterna Forest). If you really did intend on having Mira spend that entire journey unconscious, however, then ... that was some injury, forreal.

I have something planned for that trip to Twinleaf. It's explained in the eighth chapter which is currently up on ff.net if you don't wanna wait. I spotted the inconsistency myself and I somewhat corrected it.

Long story short, it's not a bad start. With your cast alone, it should really be interesting to see where this goes from here, especially since doing a retelling of Platinum might be a nice dose of nostalgia for some of us.

I'm gonna try my hardest to make it feel original with the stat trainers, while hunting at nostalgia for all of us, complete with both DPPt MCs (one of whom appears to be blank slate at first to reflect the MC's nature in-game), all three starting Route Pokemon (Shinx, Bidoof, Starly) and our favourite hyperactive rival, Barry! I can't foresee how successful the overall story will be at this point, but I'll try my hardest to make a worthwhile fanfic!

Good luck!

I'll need it, thinking of my past projects.

================

Anyway, part 2 is here! Two parts in and I'm already trying to write a battle. And I've introduced more characters. And I've introduced new Pokemon. Man, this part is productive! So, I don't really have much more to say at this point, except thanks for the feedback on the fic! I'm gonna try my hardest to make this fanfic as great as I can physically make it!

Part 2: A Rather Blonde Surprise!

Twinleaf Town wasn't exactly the biggest place in Sinnoh. To be more specific, it was one of the smallest. Mira came to realise this as she hopped from one leg to the other, waiting for her forest-green haired travelling companion to get out of the door.

"Hey, wait up!" Cheryl called after her, "at this rate, I'll be the one following you rather than the other way around! This dress is hard to run in, you know!"

Mira couldn't help but grin.

Cheryl finally got out of her own home. "My," she informed Mira, "you're an enthusiastic person. There's only one other person I know who could even try to beat out how happy you are right now."

Mira shrugged and laughed with the sheer excitement.

"And speak of the devil," Cheryl told her, "that person is right over there. If you want, you can say hi to him. He's one of the neighbours."

Cheryl gestured to a boy who looked to be about ten, running out of his own house like Mira had just done seconds ago. The boy had slightly tousled blond hair, and wore an orange-and-white striped shirt with sleeves that extended to his wrists. Around his left wrist was a bright orange device of some kind, mimicking a watch. His neck was surrounded by a soft, green scarf. His jeans were simple. He held a bag strap on his shoulder, with the brown bag hanging by his waist.

"Ok," Mira told her, "Mira is going over to say hello. He seems nice enough!"

Cheryl lingered by her door while Mira sped over to the boy.

"Hello!" Mira called to him.

The boy, who had been close to the town exit, paused and looked back at the young girl.

"Mira came to say hello! Mira is a friend of Cheryl's!"

"Umm..." the boy replied, "hi, I guess!"

Mira finally caught up to his location. "So, what is your name?"

"Barry," the boy replied.

"Barry is a nice name!" Mira told him.

The boy laughed a little awkwardly. "Thanks. So, why are you here today?"

"Mira is going on an adventure to see all of Sinnoh! Mira is going to collect eight Gym Badges and be crowned champion!"

"Aw, lucky!" Barry told her. "My mum won't even let me try to capture a Pokemon. I was planning on going out to try and reach Sandgem Town, where the famous Professor Rowan lives, to see if I could finally obtain one."

"Well..." Mira said, "Mira wishes Barry good luck in his goal!"

Barry grinned. "Good luck in yours too."

And there he turned back towards the town exit, and continued to the next route to try and succeed in his mission.

Mira turned back to see Cheryl walking up behind her.

"You two seem to get on very well," she said to Mira, "I bet that if you encounter each other in future, you might become even closer as friends. Anyway, it's about time we started off on this adventure, don't you think?"

Mira nodded. "Mira agrees with Cheryl. Mira wants to see Sinnoh with her own eyes, in an adventure with her new best friend!"

Cheryl smiled brightly, and together the two of them took the first step of one of the biggest and most important journeys Sinnoh had ever witnessed.

=============

"So," Cheryl explained, "the route we are standing on right now is Route 201. If we follow the path to our right, we will be taking half a day's walk to Sandgem Town. If we turn left, we will be taking a few hour's walk to Lake Verity. Which way do you want to go first?"

Mira looked from the left to the right, carefully thinking over her choice. It didn't take her long to decide.

"Mira wants to see the lake! Mira has heard that Sinnoh lakes are beautiful, but she hasn't seen a Sinnoh lake before, so Mira is going to go left."

"I'll do what you do," Cheryl replied to her, as they both began walking forward.

But just as they turned the corner, they became witness to a small commotion going on.

"I'm sorry, sir!" Barry said hurriedly, "but I do love Pokemon! Really!"

A man with a white moustache and similar-coloured hair looked down at him. "Hmm... let's see... you tried to run into the tall grass because you wanted to ask me for Pokemon... should I? Hmm... very well then! I will entrust you with your own Pokemon! But you'll have to promise not to endanger yourself anymore."

Barry looked up at the man, his shaken look completely replaced with a beaming smile. "Yes! I promise, Professor Rowan!"

The man whom Barry had called Professor Rowan chuckled at the young boy. "Very well. Dawn? Lucas? My suitcase?"

The two young teenagers who had been standing beside Professor Rowan nodded. The boy placed down a suitcase in front of Barry and undid the clips holding the lid and bottom together. As he opened the suitcase, Mira could spot three Poke balls settled in the silky fabric that lined the suitcase, each one with a small tag attached to it.

"Feel free to take your pick of which Pokemon you want as your starter," the boy told Barry, before standing up and returning to his previous position.

Barry was stunned. He hadn't thought he was going to be this lucky in a long time. At that moment, though, he looked around and spotted Mira and Cheryl quietly observing the situation.

"Hey!" Barry called out to them, "look at how lucky I've got!" Then an idea struck him. "Hang on... why don't you two take the Pokemon I don't choose? That'd give them a nice home! Would you allow it, Professor Rowan?"

The Professor looked at Mira and Cheryl. "Well, I don't see why not. Come over here, girls. You can select a Pokemon too."

Cheryl grinned, while Mira squealed with pure excitement. Both of them rushed over to where Barry was kneeling down, looking at what Pokemon they could choose from.

"So," Barry explained, "we have the Grass-type Turtwig... the Fire-type Chimchar... and the Water-type Piplup..."

Mira knelt down beside him. "Why don't you bring them out of their Poke balls? Mira thinks it would be best if she saw what each Pokemon looked like before she decides."

Barry nodded. "That seems like a good idea. I'll let these two out, while you let that one out."

Mira picked up the one he gestured to, and released the button on the Poke ball. Then she threw it up into the air, while crying out, "Go! Turtwig!"

"Go, Chimchar!" Barry called out, "Go, Piplup!"

There, in front of the two girls, Barry, the Professor and his assistants, stood three Pokemon.

The Grass-type Pokemon, Turtwig, was pretty cute. It had a derpy expression on its face, and its feet were coloured yellow. The rest of its main body was light green, save for the brown shell on its back. What really made it cute, though, was the small twig-shaped protrusion coming from its head, which had two leaves stuck to it that mimicked a bow of some sort.

The Fire-type Pokemon, Chimchar, was equally adorable. It had wide eyes and a cute little smile, while its body was coloured various shades of orange - a lighter orange for its face, hands and stomach, and a darker orange everywhere else. A small fire burned from its lower back.

The Water-type Pokemon, Piplup, had just as many cute features as the others. Its eyes were unbearably cute. The back of its head was dark blue, and feathers of a similar colour extended down its back, almost mimicking a superhero cape. The rest of its body was light blue, and it walked on two yellow flipper-like feet.

The first out of the three kids to make their choice was Cheryl.

"That Turtwig is sooooo cute!" She rushed over to it and picked it up. The Turtwig cried out in approval.

Mira was next.

"Look at the Chimchar! It looks adorable! And its fire is awesome!"

Mira picked it up, careful to avoid its flames. The Chimchar gave a small hug in return.

"Well, I guess I get Piplup then!" Barry said happily, "I was thinking about choosing this one anyway, so I guess it worked out for all of us!"

The Piplup chirped with happiness.

As Mira hugged her newly-obtained Chimchar, she looked up at Professor Rowan and his assistants. All three of them were smiling.

"Well," Professor Rowan told them, "it all worked out fine in the end. Lucas, could you pick up my case for me? It would be greatly helpful."

Lucas nodded, closed the suitcase and picked it up. As Professor Rowan walked in the direction of Sandgem Town with his assistants, he turned his head back towards Mira, Cheryl and Barry kneeling on the ground. "I hope all three of you strive to become the best you can ever be!"

"We promise, Professor Rowan!" All three of them called back.

============

"Wow," Barry said with delight, "I've finally gotten my own Pokemon! You know what this means?"

Both Mira and Cheryl shrugged, too happy to be bothered to think of an answer.

"Battle!" Barry exclaimed.

Mira looked up at him. "Yes! Let's have a go battling each other's Pokemon to see how strong they are! Mira approves of this idea!"

"I think it sounds nice," Cheryl told them, "but I don't think it'd be that fair if Mira used her Abra in this battle, since Barry only has one Pokemon while Mira has two. I, too, have a second Pokemon, but I'd rather not battle."

Mira turned to Cheryl, a look of faint confusion on her face. "But why? Don't you want to see how strong Turtwig is?"

"I do," she explained, "but only once I've bought more potions. I don't enjoy having battles unless I know I'll have enough healing items to make sure my Pokemon are fine after, and I currently don't have any with me. It's a strange reason, I know, but I can't stop myself from disliking it. Feel free to battle all you want. I'll cheer from the side."

Barry shrugged. "It makes sense. So, Mira are you ready? Remember to not use your Abra."

Mira nodded. "Ready."

"Go!" Both of them shouted at the same time.

"Chimchar!"

"Piplup!"

Since both Pokemon were already out of their Poke balls, all they really had to do was stand in front of their trainers menacingly. Or rather, it would be menacingly, if they weren't so darn cute.

"Ok, Piplup!" Barry commanded his Pokemon, "use Pound!"

Piplup didn't hesitate to rush over to Mira's Chimchar and attempt to pound it to the ground with its wings.

"Chimchar!" Mira said, "dodge it!"

Chimchar tried to leap away. It avoided the worst, but as it wasn't quite as agile as the Piplup, it got struck on its right leg, bringing it down.

Mira panicked. "Try to Scratch the Piplup to get it away from you!"

"Use another Pound!" Barry called from a couple of metres away.

Piplup attempted to attack Chimchar again, but Chimchar raked the Piplup's wing with a set of claws.Piplup cried out, rushing back to avoid more harm.

"Now, Chimchar, use Leer!" Mira told her fiery friend, with more focus on the battle than she had at the beginning.

Chimchar obeyed, and thundered towards the Piplup, before glaring at it with a piercing stare. Piplup slowly began to tremble with fear.

Barry began to get a little flustered. "Try intimidating Chimchar in return with a Growl!"

Piplup tried to growl at Chimchar, but it was so nervous that it only came out as a mere whimper.

"All right!" Mira called out, "finish it off with another Scratch, Chimchar!"

Chimchar raised its claws up in the air, making a faint glint in the sun, before bringing down its claws right across Piplup.

Piplup stumbled for a moment, before collapsing.

"Piplup is unable to battle," Cheryl said from where she was sitting, "Mira wins!"

Barry called the fainted Piplup back into its Poke ball.

"Well done, Chimchar!" Mira called out to it, "now time return to your Poke ball."

Chimchar nodded, and allowed itself to go back into its own Poke ball.

Barry sighed. "I'm pretty bummed that I lost, but that was a good battle, Mira!"

Mira nodded. "Mira agrees that the battle was very fun! Mira wants to declare you her rival!"

Barry paused, and looked at her. "Seriously? You want me to be your rival in battling?"

"Yes! Mira thinks you could be a strong trainer in future, and Mira wants a strong rival!"

"Well..." Barry said, "I don't think I'd have any reason to turn that request down! I am now your rival!"

"Woo!" Was all Mira said in response to that.

Cheryl stood up and wandered towards them. "So, I think it's time we continue on. Me and Mira were going to go to Lake Verity. Do you want to come, Barry?"

Barry shook his head. "Nah, I think I'm gonna go to Sandgem Town first. I've seen Lake Verity enough times already. I guess I'll see you guys around, then!"

And there, the two girls and Barry separated from each other, to head their own ways.

=============

After meeting a neighbour of Cheryl's named Barry and leaving Sandgem Town, the two girls found themselves confronted with Sinnoh's famous Pokemon professor, Professor Rowan, and a choice between three Pokemon as a new friend! While Cheryl chose the derpy Turtwig, Mira picked the fiery Chimchar and Barry went for the enthusiastic Piplup. Soon after a battle between Mira's Chimchar and Barry's Piplup ensued, which resulted in a win for Mira. Afterwards the two girls bid Barry farewell as they began walking to Lake Verity... who knows what will happen next? The journey continues!

 

[JX Valentine]

Well, this is a nice continuation. Once again, Cheryl and Mira are by and large spot-on, and of course, it's rather exciting to see the latter's journey properly start (with a starter Pokémon, a rival, and everything). I do admit this is even a nice little bit of nostalgia because although you've swapped out Dawn/Lucas for Mira, everything is still recognizably true to the game.

Nonetheless, I still have a couple of notes that might be worth mentioning. First and foremost, there's Barry, and while I'm excited to see him (he's one of the Gen IV characters I've grown fond of over the years), it's a little surprising to see him so ... patient. Normally, he's rushing about, sometimes running off before another character is done talking to him, and especially early on in the game, he's not the kind of person who would want to sit still. (This is even true in the anime, imo.) So it's odd that he would stop and talk rather calmly to Mira. And by "calmly," I don't exactly mean that he would brush her off but rather that his usual level of energy doesn't seem to be present in his dialogue at first. (Even during the battle, he seems a little flat.) So my advice here is really to be careful and don't forget that Barry is normally a bit of a firecracker—or at least he is to the people who are familiar with his character.

Second, I admit something seems off about the battle. For something that's normally full of action (this is the first proper battle we've seen in the fic, and an entire scene is dedicated to it), it's oddly dominated by the trainers' dialogue, so the actions both Pokémon take seem punctuated and confined to one lines. Remember that a battle—even an early one—involves a lot more doing than speaking, so it would be a good idea to scale down the talking a bit to let the action come through.

Still, other than these two points, excited to see Mira on her way at last! As always, I'm really interested in seeing where canon comes into play with her journey, so looking forward to more.

 

[Nerdy McNerdface]

I think I've just realised how head-over-heels excited and bubbly I get whenever I have a review, no matter what the review actually says.

Well, this is a nice continuation. Once again, Cheryl and Mira are by and large spot-on, and of course, it's rather exciting to see the latter's journey properly start (with a starter Pokémon, a rival, and everything).

I'm glad that the duo still seem good, and yep, the journey's underway! It wouldn't be a recreation of the games with an anime format and new protags if at least one of the protags didn't get a starter, after all.

I do admit this is even a nice little bit of nostalgia because although you've swapped out Dawn/Lucas for Mira, everything is still recognizably true to the game.

That was a sort of goal of mine. While new things happen in the areas the MCs go to, said places they go to are in the order of how they are in the games.

Nonetheless, I still have a couple of notes that might be worth mentioning. First and foremost, there's Barry, and while I'm excited to see him (he's one of the Gen IV characters I've grown fond of over the years), it's a little surprising to see him so ... patient. Normally, he's rushing about, sometimes running off before another character is done talking to him, and especially early on in the game, he's not the kind of person who would want to sit still. (This is even true in the anime, imo.) So it's odd that he would stop and talk rather calmly to Mira. And by "calmly," I don't exactly mean that he would brush her off but rather that his usual level of energy doesn't seem to be present in his dialogue at first. (Even during the battle, he seems a little flat.) So my advice here is really to be careful and don't forget that Barry is normally a bit of a firecracker—or at least he is to the people who are familiar with his character.

I can see what you mean, and I tried to incorporate that a little more later on, but I understand that he seemed a little off-character here. Thanks for the feedback on that!

Second, I admit something seems off about the battle. For something that's normally full of action (this is the first proper battle we've seen in the fic, and an entire scene is dedicated to it), it's oddly dominated by the trainers' dialogue, so the actions both Pokémon take seem punctuated and confined to one lines. Remember that a battle—even an early one—involves a lot more doing than speaking, so it would be a good idea to scale down the talking a bit to let the action come through.

Yeah, something I've realised about my writing is that when I do so, I go a little crazy with the dialogue. I kind of seriously enjoy writing monologues, but I can see why they would seem just a tad out of place here. I did have quite a challenge involving the fact that the Pokemon themselves only have their starting moves, but maybe it could've been executed a little better? Thanks again for the feedback!

Still, other than these two points, excited to see Mira on her way at last! As always, I'm really interested in seeing where canon comes into play with her journey, so looking forward to more.

Awesome! I hope I can entertain you with more parts in future.

================

So I've got part 3, I might upload it tonight if I can be bothered to copy-paste it here. So stay tuned.

 

[DreamSayer]

Well, this story is alright. It's nothing too groundbreaking, but it's not a bad story either. Although, there are things that you could do to improve them. There's not a lot that i can say that hasn't already been said already.

The first thing i'm going to say is that you should not make this a rehash of the game or anime's plot. You should add more interesting twists and spins on it. Most people have already played the games and or watched the anime, and they already know what happened in them. If you're just giving people what they expect, the story would become predictable and no one will really read it. That is most likely the reason why it didn't get a lot of reception on ff.net, the story does nothing to stand out.

The second thing i have to say is that you should make the battles more interesting. Quite frankly, the battle that you presented in this chapter wasn't really great and it lacked any excitement or impact. That's one of the problems with putting pokemon battles; the constant commands announced by the trainers slows things down dramatically. You must find a way around this problem if you want to get anywhere.

You may also want to be proofreading your stories a bit more before you post them so people can read them at their best. There's not much more i can say other than good luck writing!

 

[Nerdy McNerdface]

Well, this story is alright. It's nothing too groundbreaking, but it's not a bad story either. Although, there are things that you could do to improve them. There's not a lot that i can say that hasn't already been said already.

I'm gonna try my best to improve my writing from here on out. I would say that isn't the strongest start...

The first thing i'm going to say is that you should not make this a rehash of the game or anime's plot. You should add more interesting twists and spins on it. Most people have already played the games and or watched the anime, and they already know what happened in them. If you're just giving people what they expect, the story would become predictable and no one will really read it. That is most likely the reason why it didn't get a lot of reception on ff.net, the story does nothing to stand out.

I'm already planning moments where twists occur in places that don't happen in game. For example, my plan for the Oreburgh Mines is gonna make it a much more prevalent location than before. I hope that I can keep the originality up.

The second thing i have to say is that you should make the battles more interesting. Quite frankly, the battle that you presented in this chapter wasn't really great and it lacked any excitement or impact. That's one of the problems with putting pokemon battles; the constant commands announced by the trainers slows things down dramatically. You must find a way around this problem if you want to get anywhere.

Ok. I'll make sure to take this information on board!

You may also want to be proofreading your stories a bit more before you post them so people can read them at their best.

That sounds like a good idea. I may ask a fellow writer if they want to help beta read or something.

There's not much more i can say other than good luck writing!

Thanks!

 

[Cutlerine]

There are a lot of things I really liked about Platinum, one of them being the stat trainers, who were a great way of adding flavour to the overworld – it was nice to just team up with people as you went along on your journey, knowing that they wouldn't be important to the plot but were just other people travelling around, like you were. It felt like the kind of thing that would happen in real life, you know? But maybe because they're very conspicuously side characters, you don't really see a lot of stories about them, so it's nice to see them getting some love here.

I'm going to try not to repeat advice previously given by other reviewers, but I think one thing I'd take issue with is something I pointed out in your story about Shauntal: there's a lot of very precise, heavy description, and it messes a little with the flow and the pacing. That paragraph describing Barry gives your reader much more information than they really need – so much so that it kind of drags the story to a halt for a little while. It's especially apparent since Barry leaves the scene after just a few lines of dialogue, so that you've got a very long introduction for a very short encounter. It might help to space out this information at various intervals: maybe tell us that there's a blond boy in a striped shirt when he first appears, and then later on show him using his Pokétch as a way of introducing that, and then at another point show him taking something out of his bag in order to describe that. When all that information is introduced at once, it can get kind of overwhelming.

Also, I'm slightly concerned about Mira's mother. Given that she disappeared in the middle of her first day as a trainer, I can't help but feel like she might be concerned that she never came back – unless of course Mira was supposed to have set off properly on her journey that day and so she's none the wiser as to what happened, in which case that's less of an issue, I guess. Either way, it might be nice to have a little context for Mira; we've got an idea of who Barry is, where he's come from and why he's doing what he's doing, and I think it would just make your other characters a little stronger if we got more of a sense of who they are. Maybe it could come out in a discussion as they travel, or something.

Still, I have to say, it's not a bad start. It's a nice idea, taking the stat trainers and putting them centre stage, and Platinum has an interesting plot to put them in – it'll be cool to see how you deal with the canon as Mira's journey continues! I'll keep an eye on this and see where it goes, for sure.

 

[Nerdy McNerdface]

There are a lot of things I really liked about Platinum, one of them being the stat trainers, who were a great way of adding flavour to the overworld – it was nice to just team up with people as you went along on your journey, knowing that they wouldn't be important to the plot but were just other people travelling around, like you were. It felt like the kind of thing that would happen in real life, you know? But maybe because they're very conspicuously side characters, you don't really see a lot of stories about them, so it's nice to see them getting some love here.

That's one of the reasons why I began writing it

I'm going to try not to repeat advice previously given by other reviewers, but I think one thing I'd take issue with is something I pointed out in your story about Shauntal: there's a lot of very precise, heavy description, and it messes a little with the flow and the pacing. That paragraph describing Barry gives your reader much more information than they really need – so much so that it kind of drags the story to a halt for a little while. It's especially apparent since Barry leaves the scene after just a few lines of dialogue, so that you've got a very long introduction for a very short encounter. It might help to space out this information at various intervals: maybe tell us that there's a blond boy in a striped shirt when he first appears, and then later on show him using his Pokétch as a way of introducing that, and then at another point show him taking something out of his bag in order to describe that. When all that information is introduced at once, it can get kind of overwhelming.

I actually wrote a good few chapters of this before that story alone, so it'd make sense as to why it has a similar flaw. I understand what you mean, though! Thanks for letting me know - I'll take it on board for future reference.

Also, I'm slightly concerned about Mira's mother. Given that she disappeared in the middle of her first day as a trainer, I can't help but feel like she might be concerned that she never came back – unless of course Mira was supposed to have set off properly on her journey that day and so she's none the wiser as to what happened, in which case that's less of an issue, I guess. Either way, it might be nice to have a little context for Mira; we've got an idea of who Barry is, where he's come from and why he's doing what he's doing, and I think it would just make your other characters a little stronger if we got more of a sense of who they are. Maybe it could come out in a discussion as they travel, or something.

I'm hoping to give a little more context to Mira later (part 8 specifically has some backstory), and the intention was indeed to have Mira leave without coming back on the same day. I am hoping to flesh out her mother more when we reach Hearthome Citt.

Still, I have to say, it's not a bad start. It's a nice idea, taking the stat trainers and putting them centre stage, and Platinum has an interesting plot to put them in – it'll be cool to see how you deal with the canon as Mira's journey continues! I'll keep an eye on this and see where it goes, for sure.

Awesome! I hope you enjoy it.