POKEMON: The Great Beyond

[Scizor King]

My first fic! Here it goes! (rated G)
key: ___ = later, --- = new area, ~ = flashback, /// = fic starts/ ends
okay, here goes!
/////////////

One day, Mike from Pallet Town woke up.
"Yay, I'm 10 today!" He exclaimed, "It's finally my b-day!"
"Mike, COME DOWN HERE NOW!!!" His mother's voice made his ears spin.
"Comin' mom."
He quickly got dressed and came down.
"As you know, It's you're birthday. So hurry and get your first Pokemon, or you'll be late."


---

At Prof. Oaks Lab he found out Max, Tom, and Irene were already there.
"Well, now that you are all here, you may pick your starters." said Prof. Oak.
"I choose Charmander!" cried Mike.
"I'll take Squirtle." said Max.
"Bulbasaur's my choice." said Tom.
"Pikachu, it's so cute!" exclaimed Irene.
"You think everythings cute." teased Max.
"Alright, you all have Pokemon, now shoo!" said Prof. Oak.

_____


Mike was packing supplies, eager to start his journey. There was a problem,
his parents didn't want him to leave. He left a note, climbed out the window, and left for route 1.
"Let's battle!" said a youngster on route 1.
"Sure! Go Charmander!" Mike declared.
"Go Mankey!" cried the youngster.

"Use Ember"
"Scratch attack now!"

_____

"Finish him, Charmander, Scratch!" said Mike.
"Hey, good battle." said the youngster as he left.
It was getting late, so Mike took out his sleeping bag and blankets, and started falling asleep. Little did he know he was being watched.

//////////

I know, odd end. Well, what do ya think?
P.S. I know it's short, and please don't bash anyone, okay?

 

[Alastor DMc]

It seems a little rushed to be honest. Try fleshing out your ideas and chracters a little bit before you start a story.

 

[PokeMasta]

Hey not bad for a first try. I wanted a torchic!

 

[Scizor King]

Chapter 2

Sorry no Hoenn Pokes yet sorry! I hope this ones better. I'll do it all night if I have to!

/////////
Mike woke up, and heard something in the bushes. Suddenly, two people with "R"'s on their shirts emerged.
"Preapare for trouble!"
"Make it double!"
"To protect the world from devastation!"
"To unite all peoples within our nation!"
"To denounce the evils of truth and love!"
"To extend our reach to the stars above!"
"Jessie!"
"James!"
"Team Rocket blast off at the speed of light!"
"Surrender now or prepare to fight!"
"Meowth, dats right!"
Mike gasped in shock. He knew Team Rocket was Kanto's most feared gang!
"Go Squirtle!" cried a voice from behind
"Max! You helpin' me or what?" asked Mike, wondering how Max got there out of nowhere.
"Yeah." said Max
"Go Charmander!" yelled Mike
"Attack, Koffing!" cried James
"Ekans, go!" yelled Jessie

"Bubble!" commanded Max
"Ember!" yelled Mike

Koffing fainted.

"Poison Sting, Ekans!" ordered Jessie

Squirtle took a critical hit, then fainted of Poison. Charmander glowed, and in a
flash of light, evolved into Charmeleon.

"Slash attack, Charmeleon!"

Ekans took a critical hit, fainting it.
"Flamethrower" yelled Mike, and Team Rocket flew into the air.
Mike and Max headed further up, and reached Viridian City, where they healed
right away. They checked the gym, it was locked. Max headed for the woods,
while Mike went to catch Pokemon at the edge of town. He found a Dratini, and even caught it. He checked into the room at the Pokecenter, and fell asleep in the bed. Meanwhile, Charmeleon and Dratini had a conversation.

"Hey, say some thing, man." said Charmeleon

"Well, I'm wondering if this Mike guy will take good care of me." answered Dratini

"Don't worry, he's a good guy." said Charmeleon

The Pokemon fell asleep, as a new day awaited them.

///////////

Well, like it? I'll try to update every day. Please review

No bashing. No spam. Don't just say it's good or bad, comment. Please give advice cause it's my first fic. I also want to leave the side info about the story and characters to imagination. I will reveal they travel everywhere except the orange Islands, so enjoy!

 

[AKEBOSHI]

Hm, not bad I guess but I think you need more description (How did the trainer yell 'Bubble!' ? How does Koffing fall down? Did he groan or anything? How battered was he?) to balance out the heavy dialoguing.

Anyway, *subscribes*

 

[Scizor King]

Quick Statement

I edited to make it clearer. offtopic:
[SPOIL]What do you mean you subscribed, am I in trouble? TELLMETELLMETELLMETELLMETELLME[/SPOIL]

 

[AKEBOSHI]

Er, no need for spoiler tags. By *subscribed* I mean whenever someone posts on this thread, I will be notified.

 

[UNDERGROUND BALLA]

Hey, E4 DRAKE! Remember me in the newbies lounge? How are ya? Anyways, your story is a little short. Just try to add more description.










~STREET BALLA~

 

[Scizor King]

Yes I remember you, unfortunatly(j/k). Next chappie tommorow!

 

[UNDERGROUND BALLA]

Sweet. Oh, I like the main character Mike. Thats my nickname.Short reply.











~STREET BALLA~

 

[PokeMasta]

Mike is his name and max is me!

 

[Scizor King]

Yep, PokeMasta's right. I need more ideas the next chapter should be up in a few hours.

 

[Scizor King]

3rd chapie!

Here it is!

/////////

Mike woke up, stretched out, and went downstairs.
He left the Pokecenter, and went to fish in a river.
He fished up a long red pokemon.
"Woah, a Red Gyarados!" yelled Mike
"Hold it! That Gyarados is ours!" a mean voice yelled from behind
"Who are you people?" asked Mike
"My name is Matt " said the man
"I'm Shelly." declared the woman
"We're Team Aqua!" they yelled in unison
"Hold it." said a low voice
"Wh-who are you?" asked Mike
"I am Archie, the head of Team Aqua." announced Archie
"Hold it, Archie!" yelled another man
It was Maxie, the leader of Team Magma. He tossed a Greatball into the air. In a flash, a powerful Arcanine apeared.
"Oh, it's war, then. Go Slowbro!" said Archie
"Haunter, go!" yelled Matt
"Golbat, take em down!" commanded Shelly
"Mike, I can't do this alone! Help me!" said Maxie
While the others were talking, Mike had captured the Gyarodos and Evolved Dratini.
"Okay, go Charmeleon, Dragonair, and Gyarados, Slash, Hyper Beam, and Hyper Beam!" exclaimed Mike
In a flash, Slowbro, Haunter, and Golbat fainted.
"We'll be back!" yelled Archie as he jumped into the water with Matt and Shelly.
"Mike, how would you like to help us stop Team Aqua by joining Team Magma?" asked Maxie
"But if I join I won't be able to travel." said Mike
"Just give me your cell phone number and I'll call if something comes up." replied Maxie
"Okay." agreed Mike as he gave him the number
"We'll meet again soon." said Maxie
He sent out a Fearow and flew away.
Mike headded for the forest, not knowing what lurks inside.
///////

Short again, I know. Please give advice and taleeho!

 

[Xiang]

There is barely any description or length! You need to describe more and read the Advice for Aspiring Authors, it's a sticky. But trust me, your fic isn't all bad.

 

[UNDERGROUND BALLA]

There is barely any description or length! You need to describe more and read the Advice for Aspiring Authors, it's a sticky. But trust me, your fic isn't all bad.

Thats what I was gonna say, word for word! Creepy.Offtopic: like my trainer card?

 

[Scizor King]

like my trainer card?

Yeah. Next tommorow like usual!

 

[Hero of Legend]

Awsome fic, sorry I haven't replied but I've been busy! But like the others said, it need some tiny improvements, but keep up the good work!

Who likes my TC?

 

[Scizor King]

Me like!
(**** *** 10 Character limit!)

 

[GoldenHouou]

Erm, this story could be good, but...

This is too short. Just too short. Those three chapters that you have posted wouldn´t be long enough even if they would be one single chapter.

When someone speaks, tell us how does she/he say it, rather than just "said" or "shouted" use description, like

"Woah, a Red Gyarados!" Mike yelled in surprise as the red snake rose from the water.
"Hold it! That Gyarados is ours!" A mean voice yelled from behind. Mike turned around to face source fo teh voice.
"Who are you people?" He shouted to a two humans standing few feet away from him.
"My name is Matt " A rough, well built man shouted back.
"I'm Shelly." The woman declared, smiling a devious, sly smile.
"We're Team Aqua!" The two yelled in unison.
"Hold it." Said a low voice.
"Wh-who are you?" Mike gasped and took a step back.
"I am Archie, the head of Team Aqua."Announced the man who had just walked in from the bushesh.
"Hold it, Archie!" yelled another man.

I didn´t descripe the characters, because I don´t know what you wnat them to look like, but yu should descripe them. And what was the Gyarados doing while they spoke? Was it just watching how people argued about who is going to catch it? And how could Mike just caprure the Gyarados just lihe that with nobody noticing? I bet the pokemon wouldn´t just let someone capture it. And a Dratini cannot just be evolved whenever you please. It would have to be good enough level.

You should also descripe the pokemons more. And how did you know the Arcanine was strong? You should have descriped it too, like:

A orange, canine like creature appeared in a flash of light. It was much bigger than normal ones, and its legs looked much more sturdier.

That would give the same feeling about it being strong. Now I know that the one above weren´t really good description either, but I just used it as an example.

And you have to descripe the attacks as well. Plus, Haunter couldn´t possibly faint from three norma attacks, for they don´t do damage on it. Charmeleon, Dragionair and Gyarados are really strong pokemons, and I don´t think a rookie traiber would have them.

Team Aqua jumping in the water was a bit off. They jumped in a water? How did it help them? Did they swim around happily? Did they have a boat? PLease tell us why did they do that, and why didn´t Maxie ran after them.

Charmeleon cannot evolve after two or three battles. It takes time.

More lenght, more description, and this will be good.

 

[Scizor King]

Erm, this story could be good, but...

This is too short. Just too short. Those three chapters that you have posted wouldn´t be long enough even if they would be one single chapter.

When someone speaks, tell us how does she/he say it, rather than just "said" or "shouted" use description, like

"Woah, a Red Gyarados!" Mike yelled in surprise as the red snake rose from the water.
"Hold it! That Gyarados is ours!" A mean voice yelled from behind. Mike turned around to face source fo teh voice.
"Who are you people?" He shouted to a two humans standing few feet away from him.
"My name is Matt " A rough, well built man shouted back.
"I'm Shelly." The woman declared, smiling a devious, sly smile.
"We're Team Aqua!" The two yelled in unison.
"Hold it." Said a low voice.
"Wh-who are you?" Mike gasped and took a step back.
"I am Archie, the head of Team Aqua."Announced the man who had just walked in from the bushesh.
"Hold it, Archie!" yelled another man.
It's my first fic. I don't no what to put in.
I didn´t descripe the characters, because I don´t know what you wnat them to look like, but yu should descripe them. And what was the Gyarados doing while they spoke? Was it just watching how people argued about who is going to catch it? And how could Mike just caprure the Gyarados just lihe that with nobody noticing? I bet the pokemon wouldn´t just let someone capture it. And a Dratini cannot just be evolved whenever you please. It would have to be good enough level.While Team Aqua/ Maxie argued Mike battled and caught Gyarados with Dratini, which evolved.

You should also descripe the pokemons more. And how did you know the Arcanine was strong? You should have descriped it too, like:

A orange, canine like creature appeared in a flash of light. It was much bigger than normal ones, and its legs looked much more sturdier.

That would give the same feeling about it being strong. Now I know that the one above weren´t really good description either, but I just used it as an example.I'll do that next time.

And you have to descripe the attacks as well. Plus, Haunter couldn´t possibly faint from three norma attacks, for they don´t do damage on it. Charmeleon, Dragionair and Gyarados are really strong pokemons, and I don´t think a rookie traiber would have them.Haunter fainted of fright and Charmeleon evolved because Squirtle (who was his friend at the lab) was hurt and Charmeleon evolved of anger.

Team Aqua jumping in the water was a bit off. They jumped in a water? How did it help them? Did they swim around happily? Did they have a boat? PLease tell us why did they do that, and why didn´t Maxie ran after them.Team Aqua swam down the river and Maxie didn't give chase because he hates water.

Charmeleon cannot evolve after two or three battles. It takes time.
Levels don't exist in my fic.
More lenght, more description, and this will be good.

Okay,my comments are in bold.