• Hi all. We have had reports of member's signatures being edited to include malicious content. You can rest assured this wasn't done by staff and we can find no indication that the forums themselves have been compromised.

    However, remember to keep your passwords secure. If you use similar logins on multiple sites, people and even bots may be able to access your account.

    We always recommend using unique passwords and enable two-factor authentication if possible. Make sure you are secure.
  • Be sure to join the discussion on our discord at: Discord.gg/serebii
  • If you're still waiting for the e-mail, be sure to check your junk/spam e-mail folders

Pokemon - The Journey of Infinity

Status
Not open for further replies.

Zorg

Spongetastic
Ok, well i tried writing a Pokemon fan fic a while ago and it was horrible... hopefully this is a bit better... please give feedback and if you dont pick it up, this is based in Johto...

oh, and i might change the name...



Pokemon – The Journey of Infinity

Chapter 1:


“Oliver! Wake up you lazy bum!” yelled a tall, brown haired girl.

“Wha---” muttered Oliver, letting go of a pillow covered with saliva.

Oliver sat up, rubbing his eyes. He screamed when he opened them and saw the girls face right in front of his.

“Sis, what are you doing here, I thought you were in Mahogany Town, managing the gym…”

“What, can’t I see my baby brother getting his first Pokemon?” she replied, walking towards the door “I’ll be downstairs”

“Ok” said Oliver, lying back down and closing his eyes…

“WHAT!!!” he yelled, suddenly sitting up “I’m getting my first Pokemon?”

He threw the covers off him and stood up.

“Now I can finally wear those clothes mum got me” he said, walking over to a big, plain white dresser on the other side of the room, and opening a draw full of clothes.

Oliver put on some baggy, black sweatpants, a white, and plain, t-shirt, some black, thin socks, white sneakers and the usual red armband.

Oliver was walking towards the door when it slammed open.

Oliver’s mum walked into the room and looked at him, and, out of the blue, said “What the hell do you think you’re doing? Marowak just jumped out the frigin window again, and he has to go to Professor Blax!” her face was red.

“Ditto, what are you doing?” Oliver asked, laughing to himself.

His mother glowed a bright light, and when she was visible again, there was just a pink blob with a face on the ground, Ditto, one of Sarah’s Pokemon.

Oliver sighed and walked past Ditto and out the door, Ditto followed.


Oliver slid open a door at the bottom of the stairs and walked through it, Ditto was still following him.

“Morning” he said to his mum and sister, Sarah, who were sitting around a table.

“Hey” said his sister, patting a chair beside her.

Oliver walked up to the chair she was patting and pulled it out and sat down.

“I remember the first day of my adventure… good times” said Sarah

“Yea… you left before I got up…” he said, frowning

“Yea, that’s what was so good about it, I didn’t have to wake up to your face…” she said

“Hey!” said Oliver as he grabbed a bowl, some cereal and milk.

“Oh, time for the updates” said their mother as she pressed a button in the middle of the table. A 3-D hologram was shown out of a small projector beside the button their mother had pressed.

It showed a table with two news presenters, a male and a female.

“It’s Monday morning, the 3rd of April, 2017” said the male.

“I’m Tracy Terago” spoke the female,

“And I’m Arnold Faculty” continued the male.

“In breaking news” said Tracy “The Pokemon Rangers have announced that their migration plan is completed, all Pokemon discovered, apart from legendaries, can now be found somewhere in Johto, or at least their pre-evolution”

“And also,” said Arnold “There is a new version of Pokescan out in most stores…”

“Well, that’s all we need to know” said their mum, as she reached over to press the same button she pressed to turn it on. As she pressed it, the hologram disappeared.

“So,” said Oliver, turning to face Sarah “How’s Houndoom going?”

“Oh, I left him in Mahogany Town…” she said “Anyway, I have to go quickly, I’ll be back soon…” she said, rushing out the door.

Oliver had a feeling that she was leaving because of one of those two announcements…


Oliver was the average teen, cute to some girls. He had short, brown hair which was sometimes spiked up. He had ocean blue eyes and a tiny scar on his neck. He didn’t work out much but does some push ups and such every now and then.

He opened the double doors of a big, white Pokemon lab, which was reasonably close to his house. This was where the Professor was… this was where he was going to get his first Pokemon.

“Hello” he said, his voice echoing “Anybody here?” he continued

A man in a white lab coat walked out from behind some cardboard boxes. He was quite old looking, probably around his early 40’s.

“Hello Professor Blax, how are you?” asked Oliver

“Oh I’m fine” he said while walking towards a white table at the back of the room which he stood behind. “Come” he said.

Oliver walked towards the table while wondering what the starters might be.

Oliver was standing on the opposite side of the table as the professor when the double doors creaked open.

A nervous looking girl walked in. She was wearing a skirt that went down to about her knees. She also had a white, buttoned up shirt, some blue gloves with no finger and some white, lace up sneakers.

“Umm… hello, I’m here to get my first Pokemon…” she said, not really aiming it at anyone.

She took a step forward and let the double doors shut behind her.

‘She’s the cutest girl I’ve ever seen’ Oliver thought to himself.

“You must be Sophia?” asked the Professor

“Uh, yes I am” she said, walking up to the table and standing beside Oliver.

“Well… I guess you guys are going to be in a hurry so let’s just pick now…” said the Professor “I’ve got a feeling that you’re going to love these, Oliver” he continued as he turned around and grabbed a red backpack and put it on the table they were all in front of.

He unzipped the bag and produced three Pokeballs. He picked up one, and gestured for the other two to pick one up, they did so.

“Ok, just release your Pokemon” he said, throwing his Pokeball into the air.

The other two did so to, but their own way. Oliver lobbed his and said “Goo… Pokemon!” in a cheesy way. Sophia threw hers on the ground and it bounced back up, while opening she said “Come on out!”

All three balls opened and beautiful golden lights shot out, and took the out lines of the Pokemon within. The light connecting the shapes to the Pokeballs faded and the three starters were revealed.
 

Yami Ryu

Well-Known Member
Extremely listy, short and flat. You don't try and string sentences along and thus the chapter is listy/short. You barely try and describe scenery, emotions, actions, reactions etc, thus the story is flat.

Example;

She let out a light laugh at his protest, covering her mouth to hide a half caring, half mocking smile. She turned, still laughing lightly. “I’ll be downstairs, I guess. And I so wanted to see my baby brother get his first pokemon!” His sister giggled out before exiting the room, closing the door behind her.

“Alright,” Oliver sighed out as he laid back. His eyes closing as his head touched his pillow he started to drift back into sleep before it all sank in. With a sudden realization his eyes snapped open as he sprang back up into a seated position. “WHAT!?” Oliver exclaimed in shock. 'How could I have forgotten!?' He thought while springing out of bed, hurrying to get dressed.

That was what, three lines I took and flushed them out. No you may not use it no you may not used an edited version of what I wrote, you may not edit what I said entirely. You will have to come up with your own actions and crap to write.

I suggest going and reading Advice for Aspiring Authors, spend more time writing it out and don't post it the second you think it's finished. The characters need more than below averaget development and description, the settings, the emotions, the actions, everything. Just Listing these things off to us does not a story make.
 

#Chimecho#

Truth[N]Love
You neglect to capitalize the beginning of most senteces (mainly ones in quotes that start a new paragraph), people, and places. The sister has a more built character than Oliver.

You should put more scenery description, emotional depth (through description), and more detail and though into the actions instead of a list (as Yami pointed out).

Oliver,first looking at the professor with his ocea blue eyes, walked towards the table. He wondered what Pokemon the starters would be. He hoped to get a strong fire type, but thought anything would be nice, as long as he gets to leave his house. He touched the scar on his neck, remembering the last time he tried to leave home without a Pokemon. "I can catch a Pokemon in the wild without another Pokemons help, just watch me!"

After that day, he decided to do some more pushups to atleast have some muscle.

This gives a good example of what I am talking about. Also, instead of a paragraph (randomly I might add) describing Oliver, you should scatter little tibits of his looks throughout the story. I did it in this paragraph just to provide an example (Even though the first sentence is sort of stretched out.)

Not much is happening in this first chapter. However, I wonder what the Pokemon are and what will happen?
 

Zorg

Spongetastic
yea... im writing another fan fic, and this is just for when i cant write my other one... thanks for the comments guys, ill be sure to put more detail and such in the next chapter...

ok mods, can you please close this fan fic, im gona start this fan fic when i finish my FE fan fic...
 

Psychic

Really and truly
Done, but next time, please contact a Mod via PM - usually if you just ask us something in a thread, we won't notice it. We don't tend to check every post in every thread.

Good luck for the future,

~Psychic
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Top