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pokemon- the journey to be master

B

Baby-Eevee

Guest
season I- 20 episode
season II- 30 episode
season III- 50 episode

Episode 1

in palet town was a kid his name rey. is age was 10 that mean he can start journey to be master pokemon!
he love the pokemon and he was do anything to get own.
"Goodbye mom" shut rey and run to the professor oak.
'i cant white to go the journey' thing in his mind rey and smil.
the way was big and finally he get to big house, oak house.

"Hello rey, you very energetic today not like thise?" ask the professor.
"hello oak i came to get my first pokemon" sey rey.
"come. i show you the first pokemons" answer the professor.
"who are the first pokempn?" ask rey/
"they Bulbasaur, Charmander, Squirtle and they just babys" say the professor and smile.
"interesting but Squirtle see cute i thing i take hem"
"is nice choice take the pokedex and pokebells to the journey" say the professor.
"thanks" say rey and smile. "i possibly to stary the journey ?"
"yes. and remmber be warned from team rocket"
"o.k." say rey and run to field very fast.

the and.

i hope your love the story.
i sorry about spelling mistake i frome isreal and i not good in english
 

PDL

disenchanted
hold on there junoir... before you go around posting stuff, learn the basics

Newbie Section
 
B

Baby-Eevee

Guest
in isreal it easy to right story but her? is hard.
amm I fix it in episode 2
I right it right now
 

Zerodius

Eternally hating D/P
Errr... is it me that is dumb or am I completely unable to understand anything baby_eevee post?

Well, anyway...

There is little to review... but I'll try.

Good points:
-It's not a pokegirl story

Bad points:
-Nearly everything including the total lack of descriptions
-including the total lack of original elements
-including the fact that it was writen in a language only vaguely similar to english at best
-including the fact that my review is almost bigger than the chapter

I mean... you managed to mispell "The end"! How low is that?

Here is advice...

First, use a spell-check program... or better yet, learn english. You clearly lack the english skills to correctly post on a english board. I am very sorry but you'd better try again in a year or so, after learning the basics, alright?... because that for now, you just aren't going anywhere.

Second, read some fics. The "random guy go on a Pokemon Journey and become the ultimate Pokemon Master" plot has been seen thousands of times. Unless you got some EXTREMELY big plot twists coming, "cliche" is the only word that reviewers and readers alike will have to say to you regarding the plot.

Third, NO PUSHING YOUR THREADS UPWARD! This is spam. This may be tolerated on, say, Neopets or GameFAQs... but do this here and you'll get banned pronto. Don't double-post unless it's for posting several chapters/posting chapters that are too big to fit in a single post.

Have a nice day.
 
Last edited:

El hariyamer

Order of the Green
Perhaps a beta reader could be of assistance. *bows*

I can fix up the spelling, but the plot needs some work. Just a thought.

What kind of english teacher do you have? I know you come from Israel, but most people have higher standards. Please don't take umbrage, its the truth. And stories are the same everywhere, when you get down to it. The only difference is details, more or less.

If you pm me the next chapter, I can fix up the spelling and grammar. And please don't complain. I'm sure your english teacher tries her best.
 
B

Baby-Eevee

Guest
Episode 2

After ray get the first pokemon, he want to the field. he searching pokemons.
he find Pidgey has fly in the air. the face of ray change.
"Squirtle go" shout ray. the little wather tortoise go from the Poké Ball.
Pidgey look on ray eyes and shout, Squirtle run toward ray.
"dont scerd wather gun" shout ray
wather gun be dispatched but Pidgey run away
"dont go. squirtle wather gun new" shout ray but pidgey run away and disappear.
"**** i need to trainnig" say ray
"hellow young boy" say old man on his face has sage
"do you have pokemon?" ask ray.
"yes I have Eevee go" shuot the old man. the Poké Ball open and get out brown fox and gray mane.
"wow Eevee" say ray
"Eevee pokemon evolution eevee is cute pokemob and many peple want eevee" say the pok'dex.
"hi i wont this pokemon. Shuckle halp me" say one man on is head was Shuckle.
"i wont battle" say ray.
"o.k" return the old man.
"hi" shout the man with Shuckle on is head.
"how are you?" ask ray and look on eye of the prson.
"i'm Oca"
"oca? funny name" say ray.
" Shuckle snep" shuot oca
"squirtle wather gun!"
"Eevee halp hand"
"Shuckle mud bomb" shout oca. the bomb strike on the earth (gruond) oca take Eevee and Squirtle. he run away and disappear.
"ho no Eevee" shuot the old man.
"come on" say ray and start to run after oca.
"yes its work Shuckle now i have too pokemon" say oca.

"i cant run" say the old man and stop run.
"i can i return Eevee trust me" say ray and run away after oca.

is it ray get Eevee and squirtle?
this you know in the next
 
B

Baby-Eevee

Guest
Episode 2

After ray get the first pokemon, he want to the field. he searching pokemons.
he find Pidgey has fly in the air. the face of ray change.
"Squirtle go" shout ray. the little wather tortoise go from the Poké Ball.
Pidgey look on ray eyes and shout, Squirtle run toward ray.
"dont scerd wather gun" shout ray
wather gun be dispatched but Pidgey run away
"dont go. squirtle wather gun new" shout ray but pidgey run away and disappear.
" i need to trainnig" say ray
"hellow young boy" say old man on his face has sage
"do you have pokemon?" ask ray.
"yes I have Eevee go" shuot the old man. the Poké Ball open and get out brown fox and gray mane.
"wow Eevee" say ray
"Eevee pokemon evolution eevee is cute pokemob and many peple want eevee" say the pok'dex.
"hi i wont this pokemon. Shuckle halp me" say one man on is head was Shuckle.
"i wont battle" say ray.
"o.k" return the old man.
"hi" shout the man with Shuckle on is head.
"how are you?" ask ray and look on eye of the prson.
"i'm Oca"
"oca? funny name" say ray.
" Shuckle snep" shuot oca
"squirtle wather gun!"
"Eevee halp hand"
"Shuckle mud bomb" shout oca. the bomb strike on the earth (gruond) oca take Eevee and Squirtle. he run away and disappear.
"ho no Eevee" shuot the old man.
"come on" say ray and start to run after oca.
"yes its work Shuckle now i have too pokemon" say oca.

"i cant run" say the old man and stop run.
"i can i return Eevee trust me" say ray and run away after oca.

is it ray get Eevee and squirtle?
this you know in the next
 

Dragonfree

Just me
I'm sorry, but either your English teacher does not speak very good English him/herself, or your errors are ignored if you have not learned the rule you're breaking yet. The sad fact is that there is something gravely incorrect about every sentence in the whole story, and due to this I have to deem it unreadable. Please get a good beta-reader or I will close this thread.
 
Last edited:

The Doctor

Absolute Beginner
I'm agreeing with Dragonfree here. I now know you're from Israel but you need to learn English fast. You're facing a closed thread here so yeah, get a beta-reader because it's like cracking the old Enigma codes.
 

Astinus

Well-Known Member
Baby-Eevee said:
why you dont write story in Hebrew?
try it
זה כיף :)

Because English is close to being the universal language? And a lot of people on these forums read English? That might be why.

I can't even begin to help your story. There is no cohesion. Even the title has two grammar mistakes that I can see right here. So, as Dragonfree said, either your English teacher isn't great him/herself; or it's a very low grading system over there.

You need a proof-reader. You need to learn English. And you made White and Strunk cry. ;-;
 
B

Baby-Eevee

Guest
you now? in isrel (www.pokemon.org.il) they respect every kid writer.
iwm not good in englis because i speak because Hebrew mother tongue
and i live in isreal.
 

Dragonfree

Just me
Well, see, if your English isn't good, you shouldn't be writing a fic in English and posting it at an English-speaking forum. If I knew barely any Hebrew and wanted to write a story in Hebrew for practice, I'd never randomly go on a Hebrew forum and post it there, simply because it would be much easier for me to write in English and post it where people can understand it. If you want to write a story about Pokémon, just write it in Hebrew and post it where other people speak Hebrew.
 

Astinus

Well-Known Member
I respect mature kid writers. The one who actually know something, or what-not.

Dragonfree is right. Post your story on a Hebrew board. That makes a lot of sense, doesn't it? I'm learning Portuguese, but I'm not going to randomly write a story in the language then post it on a Portuguese board.

Post your little story on your little website. In your native language. Thank you.
 

Demise

...An orange blob...
O_O Alright, this is VERY hard to read. Get yourself a beta-reader that will help improve your story.

It shouldn't be an episode more like a chapter, you are writing a fic not directing a show.

The chapters are too short.

This isn't getting onto my interest, get yourself a loyal beta-reader and you'll be improving, though you can't rely on betas. They want writers to improve.

So learn more english OR get a beta before posting your stories.
 
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