Pokemon:The secrets of the dogs:Sneak Peek

[ShadowUmbreon]

This is a sneak peek of my fanfic,the secrets of the dogs.A sneak peek only!


Chapter 1:
Mya walked up to the lab happy as ever.Her long,black hair swayed in the wind. It was her 10th birthday and time to get a pokemon. When she got there the prof. greeted her."Hello Mya.Here for a pokemon?"Asked the prof."Yes".she anwsered. The choices were eevee,pikachu,and ponyta. She chose eevee. "This is the start of a new friend ship." She said as she walked out of the lab,holding her eevee. Just then she something,it run as fast as ligtning,so she dident get a clear look.

"Hmmm.Wonder what that was."She continued on,to a new adventure. She walked up the the deep,black forest. Suddenly,out of no where,a pikachu ran up her arm and onto her head. The pikachu started squeaking with fear."Pika!Pika Pikachu!"Then a mightyena came running after the pikachu."How will she beat this mightyena?"she thought to herself."How will I beat this?"




find it that in the fanfic!

Pokemon:The Secrets of the Dogs
April 25

 

[Jonouchi]

Too short, not to mention this should be in The Authors Cafe, if it's a preview.

First, space out your sentences. It's difficult to read if they're all connected together.

Second The events happen too quickly. First sentence, she get's a new Pokemon (Ponyta would be a bad choice to put with the two) and next she's leaving, without a "thank you" even. Also Description is lacking. What do the Characters look like? Is she talking to herself or her Pokemon? What does the lab look like? What do the Pokemon look like? Explain!

Try again and actually finish it first

 

[ShadowUmbreon]

Ok I edited it.

 

[Psychic]

>.< Please read all the forum Stickies before posting. It is clear that you didn't read the two most important Stickies: The FanFiction Rules and Advice for Aspiring Authors. There, I even provided you with links! Now click and read!


Now, the first thing wrong with this: it should be written on Microsoft Word or a similar program. It will help you find and correct all your mistakes, because your spelling and grammar are pretty bad. You don't know how punctuation works, and you misspelled some fairly simple words.
Another reason to use this program is because all chapters of any fic must be at LEAST A PAGE LONG on Microsoft Word. Of course, your chapter was NOWHERE near long enough, as a paragraph is certainly NOT a chapter.

Second is that if this is a 'Sneak Peak', aka a Preview, then it belongs in the Author's Café. You post the REAL fic in this section and Previews in the Café.


Third...well, it was written badly. EVERYONE has written a trainer fic, so that's overdone to death, but of course you made the two of the Starter Pokémon be two of the most overused Pokémon seen in Trainer Fics.
THEN there was a total lack of description (you need to tell us what things look like, because how do we know what Mya looks like? we don't unless you tell us). Plus the characters were two-dimensional pieces of cardboard with no personalities, thoughts or emotions.


I'd go on, but I don't want to hurt your feelings or any of that crap. Just please, READ before you post...

~Psychic

 

[ShadowUmbreon]

Im sorry!Ill fix it right away!

 

[Jonouchi]

Im sorry!Ill fix it right away!

Don't. Just take your time and work on the story longer. You don't have to throw in a very short preview and expect an audience just like that!

Also, explain what's going on, in and out of what's happening now.

Tell us Why she's going to the Lab, tell us the reason for her going on a journey (And don't say "To be a Pokemon Master"), AND MOST IMPORTANTLY tell us/describe anything we might not know, including the Pokemon and Characters themselves.

Also, space out ALL of your sentences. EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THEM. That includes sentences that end with any sort of quote or punctuation.

Read the links provided by Psychic and read some 5 star fics to get an example and an idea (Don't take them though)