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Pokemon: The Three Kings of the Underworld
- Thread starter Cursed
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*~Puru-Ryuu~*
|x|Rebirth|x|
Yep I have subscribed all my favourite threads
Well, I read this awhile back, when it hadn't gotten much reviews. Only like one.
First question: The jet suddenly pops out of nowhere and takes him into the atmosphere, am I correct?
Second question: He sent out his Dragonite outside the jet. Wouldn't he had fallen out of it if his Dragonite was tired after a one turn battle with Rayquaza?
Third question: Brendan pops into the story suddenly in Ch. 2 or 3. Where did he come from?
Fourth question: In two seconds, he appears at Littleroot town. How did he when there was no mention of a transportation?
Fifth question: The dark alley shows up in a rather quaint little town. Last time I checked, Taylor was in Brendan's backyard, or did you add something alse?
Sixth question: There was no mention of May in Ch. 5 and suddenly she shows up and watches the video with him. I'm assuming it was the girl taking notes. But what was she doing there?
Seventh question: When Red triumpthed over Lance, I'm thinking that this was an Elite battle. Why did Taylor and Red suddenly have a battle immediately after it?
Eight question: Assuming that Taylor is 13-18 years old, Brendan and May are 16-21 years. That's a bit too early. And they getting married at such a short notice. *looks it up again and sees 19 in bold bright letters* Oh, okay, that's still too early. Do people that age get married? I don't know since I've been living under a rock my whole life. (joking)
Last question: When did Taylor get muddy?
If you can answer these questions, then you would have made these delibrately. They're just little plot holes I found.
Oh yeah, numbers have to be spelt in words. (19= nineteen)
Hope I'll see some improvement next time.
~PEACE~
First question: The jet suddenly pops out of nowhere and takes him into the atmosphere, am I correct?
Second question: He sent out his Dragonite outside the jet. Wouldn't he had fallen out of it if his Dragonite was tired after a one turn battle with Rayquaza?
Third question: Brendan pops into the story suddenly in Ch. 2 or 3. Where did he come from?
Fourth question: In two seconds, he appears at Littleroot town. How did he when there was no mention of a transportation?
Fifth question: The dark alley shows up in a rather quaint little town. Last time I checked, Taylor was in Brendan's backyard, or did you add something alse?
Sixth question: There was no mention of May in Ch. 5 and suddenly she shows up and watches the video with him. I'm assuming it was the girl taking notes. But what was she doing there?
Seventh question: When Red triumpthed over Lance, I'm thinking that this was an Elite battle. Why did Taylor and Red suddenly have a battle immediately after it?
Eight question: Assuming that Taylor is 13-18 years old, Brendan and May are 16-21 years. That's a bit too early. And they getting married at such a short notice. *looks it up again and sees 19 in bold bright letters* Oh, okay, that's still too early. Do people that age get married? I don't know since I've been living under a rock my whole life. (joking)
Last question: When did Taylor get muddy?
If you can answer these questions, then you would have made these delibrately. They're just little plot holes I found.
Oh yeah, numbers have to be spelt in words. (19= nineteen)
Hope I'll see some improvement next time.
~PEACE~
Astinus
Well-Known Member
Er, everything moved too fast, and carried with it a lack of emotion. Taylor sees this Legendary beast come gflying down from the sky, and all he can think of is his Pokédex?
It just really bothers me that Brendan and May are getting married at nineteen. That's a little too young to make important life decisions. I'm nineteen now, and I don't even know what I'm doing tomorrow. Unless affairs of the heart are completely different. I wouldn't know. Also, I'll say that Brendan does not have a clue about how to conduct a wedding. You don't pop up a wedding on your girlfriend. A lot of planning goes into it. I'm assuming Brendan knows exactly what May wants her dress to look like, what she's going to say, and what she wants her wedding to be like? A LOT of planning goes into a wedding. That just really bothers me.
Another odd irk is that Taylor carries around a video tape? Those things have to be protected and can break easily. That just seems really odd.
Grammar: You have words strung together sometimes, with a point of punctuation at the end. Without a noun and a verb, then you don't have a sentence. "Plums defy." is a sentence. Secondly, you forget articles and punctuation.
Your chapters are short and lack the description that makes these characters more than just pretty pieces of cardboard. The raw emotions that your characters feel will connect them more with the reader. Right now, I don't find much of a reason to connect to Taylor. I'll keep coming back to read your fic, because I see that you want to improve. I wish you luck.
Last question: Your uncle is a science fiction writer. I hope it's not an author that I know, for my sake.
It just really bothers me that Brendan and May are getting married at nineteen. That's a little too young to make important life decisions. I'm nineteen now, and I don't even know what I'm doing tomorrow. Unless affairs of the heart are completely different. I wouldn't know. Also, I'll say that Brendan does not have a clue about how to conduct a wedding. You don't pop up a wedding on your girlfriend. A lot of planning goes into it. I'm assuming Brendan knows exactly what May wants her dress to look like, what she's going to say, and what she wants her wedding to be like? A LOT of planning goes into a wedding. That just really bothers me.
Another odd irk is that Taylor carries around a video tape? Those things have to be protected and can break easily. That just seems really odd.
Grammar: You have words strung together sometimes, with a point of punctuation at the end. Without a noun and a verb, then you don't have a sentence. "Plums defy." is a sentence. Secondly, you forget articles and punctuation.
Your chapters are short and lack the description that makes these characters more than just pretty pieces of cardboard. The raw emotions that your characters feel will connect them more with the reader. Right now, I don't find much of a reason to connect to Taylor. I'll keep coming back to read your fic, because I see that you want to improve. I wish you luck.
Last question: Your uncle is a science fiction writer. I hope it's not an author that I know, for my sake.
Taylor has the tape in a case, obviously.
Brendan has a rash/hasty personality.
I doubt you know him. His name is Robert Reed.
As for Litestars:
First question: The jet suddenly pops out of nowhere and takes him into the atmosphere, am I correct? No. To save time I had the jet fly to New Bark Town,
Second question: He sent out his Dragonite outside the jet. Wouldn't he had fallen out of it if his Dragonite was tired after a one turn battle with Rayquaza? After the battle, Rayquaza’s Pressure ability made the Dragonite lightheaded.
Third question: Brendan pops into the story suddenly in Ch. 2 or 3. Where did he come from? The old man mentions him to Taylor.
Fourth question: In two seconds, he appears at Littleroot town. How did he when there was no mention of a transportation? He flew on his Noctowl.
Fifth question: The dark alley shows up in a rather quaint little town. Last time I checked, Taylor was in Brendan's backyard, or did you add something else? Littleroot town is now Littleroot City. I should have made that clearer. I apologize for that.
Sixth question: There was no mention of May in Ch. 5 and suddenly she shows up and watches the video with him. I'm assuming it was the girl taking notes. But what was she doing there? She’s now Proffessor May Maple.
Seventh question: When Red triumphed over Lance, I'm thinking that this was an Elite battle. Why did Taylor and Red suddenly have a battle immediately after it? It was actually a tournament similar to the Battle dome in Emerald.
Eight question: Assuming that Taylor is 13-18 years old, Brendan and May are 16-21 years. That's a bit too early. And they getting married at such a short notice. *looks it up again and sees 19 in bold bright letters* Oh, okay, that's still too early. Do people that age get married? I don't know since I've been living under a rock my whole life. (joking)
16 is the legal age to get married.
Last question: When did Taylor get muddy? He hadn’t changed his clothes for 5 chapters. I would think he would get a little muddy and dusty from being in Fallarbor town.
Brendan has a rash/hasty personality.
I doubt you know him. His name is Robert Reed.
As for Litestars:
First question: The jet suddenly pops out of nowhere and takes him into the atmosphere, am I correct? No. To save time I had the jet fly to New Bark Town,
Second question: He sent out his Dragonite outside the jet. Wouldn't he had fallen out of it if his Dragonite was tired after a one turn battle with Rayquaza? After the battle, Rayquaza’s Pressure ability made the Dragonite lightheaded.
Third question: Brendan pops into the story suddenly in Ch. 2 or 3. Where did he come from? The old man mentions him to Taylor.
Fourth question: In two seconds, he appears at Littleroot town. How did he when there was no mention of a transportation? He flew on his Noctowl.
Fifth question: The dark alley shows up in a rather quaint little town. Last time I checked, Taylor was in Brendan's backyard, or did you add something else? Littleroot town is now Littleroot City. I should have made that clearer. I apologize for that.
Sixth question: There was no mention of May in Ch. 5 and suddenly she shows up and watches the video with him. I'm assuming it was the girl taking notes. But what was she doing there? She’s now Proffessor May Maple.
Seventh question: When Red triumphed over Lance, I'm thinking that this was an Elite battle. Why did Taylor and Red suddenly have a battle immediately after it? It was actually a tournament similar to the Battle dome in Emerald.
Eight question: Assuming that Taylor is 13-18 years old, Brendan and May are 16-21 years. That's a bit too early. And they getting married at such a short notice. *looks it up again and sees 19 in bold bright letters* Oh, okay, that's still too early. Do people that age get married? I don't know since I've been living under a rock my whole life. (joking)
16 is the legal age to get married.
Last question: When did Taylor get muddy? He hadn’t changed his clothes for 5 chapters. I would think he would get a little muddy and dusty from being in Fallarbor town.
One thing: Rayquaza's ability is Air Lock. Another: You don't want to save time. Doing that only makes there less description, and popping around confuses the reader. What is Rayquaza? What does it look like? What do attacks look like? You're assuming that the reader will know that. You could have a long chapter showing what Taylor did when he was traveling. You pretty much made it like in the games, with fly. You need to greatly improve. One last thing: You need to tell us those things in the chapter. It's pretty confusing otherwise.Cursed said:
Dragonfree
Just me
Closing on author's request...
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