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Pokemon - The time before the pokeball

hijack74

Super spriter
First off this isnt going to be one of those boring gba game based journey storys, i actually came up with the idea while
cleaning my room. I was picking through the mess and i found my favourite amethyst crystal shattered, my bro had been throwing it around playing some monsters game with his friend. So anyway onto the story....

Prologue
Long ago, in a time before pokemon gyms, before the regions were created lay a barren wasteland a large continent bare of any life. No plants could thrive and no creatures could live so the Pokegods came together on the summit of mount moon. They were assigned tasks to make the world prosporous, thriving with life. But the gods fought over who would do what part of the world, out of annoyance at the other gods Jukain elder god of maturity decided that they should all be given an area to rule over, they would be separate from each other so as not to squabble.

These new areas were to become the regions of the pokemon world!
After these areas were complete they gods took it upon themselves to create creatures fit for their regions, the magma pits of malaki became home to the burning entitys of fire whereas the swamps of mertia housed the delicate water pokemon whose beauty hid their fighting prowess.

Soon the gods where finished but they were still unhappy so they created humans, creatures in their own image, mighty, strong and courageous.

The world was great, humans and pokemon lived together in harmony until one god Folio, lesser god of darkness, created a being of immense power. The humans saw this as a threat and began blaming the pokemon, they attacked them till all that was left was the dust of a large battle.

The souls of the fallen pokemon joined to form the legendary pokemon, they fused with crystals of the highest value, kyogre water legendary fused with the sapphire crystal and so on.

After realising it wasnt the pokemons fault the humans turned on each other, great nations waging war upon their own kind. They learned to tune the legendary power and summon these great beasts. They fought them against each other, retreating them to their crystals after each battle. After many a battle the crystals could no longer contain the immense power and shattered. Each shard contained a lesser pokemon of the same type, the summoners trained apprentices to use these and waged armies of pokemon in full scale battles.

5 years after the fighting stopped the summoner training still carries on each new summoner being given a shard containing a pokemon of their own.
But lurking in the shadows is a threat to corrupt the balance of the pokemon world. Our story follows Orion a new summoner near to completing his training course in the grass region summoner school.

So guys what do you think? is it any good?
 

pathophobe

Well-Known Member
You need description.
-What did the wasteland look like?
-What happened during the battle?
Description aside, this is a pretty good first fic. Read the Advice for Aspiring Authors and make it much longer for chapter one.
 

hijack74

Super spriter
Chapter 1

This is chapter 1

Orion arose from his slumber, he had only managed three hours sleep last night for two reasons, 1. his bed was extremely uncomfortable and 2. Today was the day he would receive his pokecrystal containing his first pokemon.

He jumped down from his bunk bed and rubbed his bright blue eyes, he ran his fingers through his thick brown mop of hair and yawned so loud he awoke his roommate Lee.

Lee was a tall boy at least three inches taller than Orion but not the brightest pick of the lot both were 13 years old but they were so very different. Lee rolled out of bed and flicked his thick black hair out of the way of his murky brown eyes. He moaned about the time but Orion ignored him as usual, they weren't exactly friends but due to the cramped living conditions they had to pretend to be nice to stay sane.

They were picked for their special skills, Orion was a born leader, intelligent and a fast thinker, his wit and charm were amazing however dashing looks weren't on the top of his to-do list, Lee was tall but looked more like frankenstein than a normal kid, he had pale white skin and stitches in his head from knocking his head on a classroom desk out of boredom.

Orion was so excited he was practically bouncing up and down on the spot. " Class starts in half an hour! I can't wait," he exclaimed. Lee however had a different attitude towards class, to be truthful he hated it.

From the shelf Orion grabbed a bowl of cereal and started to munch away at it, each mouthful he got more excited till he just couldn't hold it in. He shot down the hallway like a rocket into an almost empty classroom. Sat in the front row were the two other chosen children, Marcus and Kane.

Orion grabbed a chair up by the front and Lee followed along at a slugs pace.
The teacher counted them then began the lesson. " Today, children, you will receive your pokecrystal for summoning your partner pokemon. But first you must learn how to summon them." said the old man in a rough low voice. He lifted is crystal high above his head, it started to glow a lime green. He shouted "Pokecrystal activate!" A light burst from the crystal lighting up the whole room, it focused on a point in front of the teacher, a figure started to form and it grew until it started to become clearer.

It was a meganium! The large pokemon stood there triumphantly, the ;arge flower on its neck wafted backwards in an almost enchanting way. Its antenna pointed upright as if standing to attention. It bowed its neck as if to show its loyalty to its human master. The pupils stared,the meganium watched back then let out a playful yelp as if it was enjoying what it thought was a game. The marcus nearly jumped out of his skin when meganium started to munch on his leaf hat.

"Don't worry, he won't hurt you" said the teacher in a slow, calm voice.
The teacher giggled then showed them a secret door behind his desk.
He ushered them into it, Orion wasnt sure but he went in anyway.

It was amazing, Orion couldn't believe his eyes, an entire cavern filled with green glowing crystals all twinkling in the small light they were getting through two tiny windows.

"Pick one" insisted the teacher with a smile. "But sir!" replied Marcus anxiously, "how do we know what pokemon are in what crystals?". The teacher raised his wand and a bright white light shone onto the crystals they shimmered beautifully, but they each showed an image of the pokemon kept inside.

They spread out checking each crystal till they found one they wanted, Marcus chose Paras the mushroom pokemon, it suited his timid personality. Kane chose Bulbasaur a strong reliable pokemon, whereas Lee and Orion couldn't decide. Lee did eenie, meenie, minee mo and got a bellsprout which swayed about in a slow sort of wiggle as if imitating Lee.
Orion however had spotted the one he wanted, he climbed past the sharp crystals and ducked under a large pillar till he got to a tiny crystal, this one shone a slightly lighter green, almost as if it were calling Orion.
He picked it up, raised it above his head and shouted "Pokecrystal activate".
A chikorita appeared, chikorita is small pokemon with a leaf coming out of its head appeared in front of him. It muttered "Chiko chiko". Orion smiled he had always wanted a chikorita for its cuteness and amazing battling skill although this one was a girl and had taken quite an affection to her master. The teacher gave them all a dull crystal and told them that it could be used to absorb a pokemon from a larger crystal.

Then he sent them back to their quarters to await further instruction. Orion almost skipped his way back to his bunk cherishing his crystal now glowing as if chikorita was happy too.This is chapter 1

The next chapters will be longer but i had already planned these ones with those events.
 
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Cammi

fly away
Description is still missing...

Lee was a tall boy at least three inches taller than Orion but not the brightest pick of the lot, no-one really knew how Lee became one of the chosen few.

Okay, all I know is that he was three inches taller than Orion... but what about his hair, eyes and all of that. Also, how tall Orion was?? And his age??

Sat in the front row were the two other chosen children, Marcus and Kane.

What did they look like? How old were they? And what about their personalities?

It was a meganium! The large pokemon stood there triumphantly, its flower wafted backwards in an almost enchanting way. The pupils stared , the meganium cried out and they all jumped out of their skins.

There are better ways to describe a Meganium. Pretend I dont know the pokemon and you'll see ALL i know is that it is large and has a flower. But where?

"But sir!" replied Marcus, "how do we know what pokemon are in what crystals?".

He replied how. Promptly? Angrily? Calmly? And why did he reply like that? (I learnt this from Tezza... Such awesome guide...)

A small pokemon with a leaf coming out of its head appeared in front of him. It muttered "Chiko chiko".

Once again, pretend I never SAW a Chikorita. Telling me it only has a leaf on its head isn't enough...
Besides, it would be best to give your pokemon gender. Dont call them "it"

---o---​

There still lots of Pokemon which you didnt describe well, try to be a little more descriptive next time and this will make a great fic ^_^

Grammar: Im not a native English speaker, so i'll leave that to the others.


Later~;380;
 
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hijack74

Super spriter
ok i am going to go through and edit it to make these changes and thanks
 

Goldliop

Powerplay Champion
Yeah... and it sounds like it could be good too,
i think you just need to catch the readers attention, and if you can do that with the character descriptions... even better
 

hijack74

Super spriter
Chapter 2

This will be revised after first being written.

Chapter 2

Orion slept late the morning after, snuggled tight to Cherry his newly obtained chikorita. Sunlight shone in through the windows onto Orions face, he put his hand in the way to shade his eyes. "Great, I'm awake now," he thought to himself sarcastically. He crept out of bed careful not to make a sound to wake up Cherry who was purring in a sort of bouncy rhythm.

He walked to the shower room in just his boxer shorts, his bag of bones body on show but no-one was around to see him, luckily. He showered slowly just sort of day-dreaming, wondering, thinking. When he was done he returned to his room and got dressed, Cherry was still fast asleep, her snoring had gotten quite a bit louder. After he put on his shoes he gently shook Cherry to wake her, her eyes slowly opened revealing a deep shade of red, she smiled and like Orion's face. She then hopped off the bed and both of them set off towards the main hall.

When they arrived they found the chosen ones parents there to greet them,
Orion looked around the hall hoping to see a familiar face of his mother smiling at him or maybe his dad pulling a funny face, he searched and searched but then his heart sank. Orion realised they had forgotten about him, in the 3 years of training at the school he had never felt so depressed.

He sat at his desk and watched the other kids leave with their parents all happy and cheerful, he dozed off but still could hear the shouts of joy from the other kids including Marcus who's parents made him be quiet so as not to aggravate the other parents.

A slam on the desk woke him, he looked up, then up a bit more and then some more so he could see the head of a giant of a man. It was Lee's dad, the man had a rough voice and a stubbly chin, Lee hadn't arrived at the hall yet so Orion told Lee's Dad where to go. He sighed, if only his parents cared as much he thought.

After deciding they just weren't coming he chose to walk home as he only lived half a mile from the school. He stepped out of the large wooden doors and out into the courtyard, the wind blew his hair into his eyes and he smiled. He sucked out a mouthful of fresh air, it was so clean compared to the musty conditions he had been accustomed to for those long years.

He set off in the direction of home, he would have to cross the Meekan plains to get there but they were safe for people to cross. The grass flowed around his legs and tickled him a bit, it was long so Cherry was riding on its masters shoulder.

They passed a monument erected in memory of the lives lost in the great war, many died but were not forgotten. The monument however seemed different as if it was giving off some kind of energy, but Orion just passed it off as goosebumps.

When he arrived at his gate he paused, it had been three years since the day he was last here, would his parents still be the same? Would he still have his own room? Savouring every footstep Orion walked up to the house and rang the doorbell, he took a deep breath, he heard the lock click and the door swung open.

There on the porch stood a woman of about 40, dark brown flowing hair, she smiled and a tear fell from her eye and she held her arms out wide. Orion embraced her and whispered "I missed you so much, Mum" but the moment didn't last long. His Mums eyes met with Cherry's and she screeched. "She won't hurt you" Orion said in a reassuring voice.

They went inside and Orions mum, Steph, made them both a mug of hot chocolate. They sat down in the comfy armchairs that Orion remembered fondly, they chatted about the school and the work until the subject of his Dad came up. Steph looked upset, she put her hand on his lap. He expected the worst, his Mum told him about how they both split up over a large argument, Orions Dad had moved away to the region of ice to cool off for a bit but after a year still hadn't returned.

Orion couldn't believe it, they were such a happy family, it must have been his fault for being gone so long, he wondered about his sister Catherine, had she gone too. He decided to find them both, to reunite his family so he could enjoy life with a loving caring understanding family. He went upstairs to gather his things to go on a journey to the regions of the Pokeworld to reunite his family.

Meanwhile outside a shadowy figure lurked in an alleyway, from his pocket he produced a large dark crystal, it emanated darkness of a new depth, its taint scorched the earth beneath the man's feet. He replaced the crystal back into his pocket and then left, each footstep burnt a dark imprint on the land. Until he was out of site.

Orion watched out of his window, scared but also interested, who was this man, he had to know.
 
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Libie

Well-Known Member
Umm... it sounds really interesting, but doesn't chapter 2 come after chapter 1, and not chapter 3? XD
 

Cammi

fly away
There on the porch stood a woman of about 40, dark brown flowing hair, she smiled and a tear fell from her eye and she held her arms out wide

Try to describe a little bit more. Color of her eyes? was she tall? was she Naked? Etc...
You could have said something like "A tear fell from her (Color) eyes" Or "There on the porch stood a woman dressed in (clothes). She had (etc...)" Something like that.

Orion slept late the morning after, snuggled tight to Cherry his newly obtained chikorita.

Comma between Cherry and his.

---o---​

Okay... Im not sure if there are more grammar mistakes. I'll leave that to the others since English isn't my native language.

BTW, you're really putting a lot of effort on improving. This one's better than the last chapter, and the plot (what I've seen of it) is interesting.
Keep up the good work! ;)


Later~;380;
 

Jukain:)

Heart & Soul...
Hello, hijack74! came to read the fic cuz you said my username was in it. The story and plot is good, but it is very rushed. You should slow it down and add more discription.

~J;474;
 
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