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Pokemon the untold stories

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Star and Lilly were on their way to professor Oak’s lab. Star was a beautiful girl who was wearing a dark blue T-shirt and light blue jeans. Lilly had on a red t-shirt and black jeans. (sorry but I will be more creative later).

“Hey, Lilly why did we wait two years to start our journey?”
“I just told you, you wanted to get more experience by training with Gary.”
“Right.” Star replied

For the rest of the walk they barely talked at all.

*******
Once they got to Oak’s lab he started to give Lilly and Star another lecture about training but the most important thing was: you have lived in cherry valley all your lives so are you ready for this. Was I ready, I have been waiting for this all my life! “DUH” me and Lilly said instantly

“Well then…I have asked a couple of great pokemon trainers to go with you…um or asked them if you could go with them” Oak said in an awkward tone
“Who” I asked.”
“A great pokemon trainer” is all he said
Lilly who was now annoyed just said “yes you told us that but who” she said in an annoyed tone.
“Their names are Ask Ketchum and Richie Blake ( if that’s not his real last name tell me)
“Star, Lilly do you know who they are”
“Yeah who doesn’t” Lilly huffed out
“Good because they are coming now”

Almost instantly Lilly and Star lunged for the window and yes they were their. The pokemon masters they had seen on T.V. Ash was wearing his vest with a green pokemon symbol on it and he had his black and red hat on. Richie had a green outfit (like the picture at the bottom). Both of them had very messy hair. They both had their own pikachu on their shoulder
The next thing Star and Lilly knew they were at the door . “Come in” said Oak and the black haired boy came in followed by the other boy with brownish hair.


“Hi Professor Oak” they said.
“Hi boys” Oak replied.
“This is Star and Lilly and they will be joining you.
“Oh so these are the girls very nice to meet you” Ash said just noticing Star and Lilly.” Yes, it’s a pleasure to finally get to meet the both of you” exclaimed Richie as he shacked both Lilly and Star’s hands.

“Pika Pika Pikachu.”
“Hello, who is this.”
“Oh, this is my pikachu Sparky”
“Hi Sparky” we exclaimed
“pikachu”
“this is pikachu” Ash said with a smile.
“aw there so cute” Star exclaimed
“Oh my I almost forgot girls its time to chose your pokemon” Oak said without another word the professor lead the group over to a table
“ I only have two eggs to give out”
“Eggs, what but were supposed to get an eevee and vulpix” Star and Lilly said indignantly
“Yes but I am using these pokemon for more research cense they are becoming more and more rare”
“We don’t understand, what are we going to use for pokemon untill our eggs hatch”
“That’s why I want you to go with Ash and Richie.”
Even though this was annoying Star or Lilly did not protest to getting their own eggs.
The professor gave Lilly a Brown and Cream colored egg and Star had gotten an golden egg with what looked liked six fox tails on the bottom circling around it.
“Thank you professor we will take good care of our eggs…but we will wait a couple of days before heading out.”
“ok why don’t you guys…and girls take some time to get to know each other.”
“yeah good idea” Ash said in an uncomfortable way.
On their way out Ash stopped Lilly
“Say…um…Lilly would you um…like to go out for dinner tonight?”
Lilly just stared at him for a moment. Ash started to stammer
“That is to say if you…well wanna get to..know each other.”
Lilly smiled “wow you really sounded like an idiot for a second…but nice save so yes I will go out with you.”
You could tell by his expression that he was overjoyed.
“Great so how about tonight then?”
“Yea tonight is good.”


Now to Star and Richie…


“So ware are you going to stay Richie.” He paused
“Um I don’t know do you have any hotels in this town?”
“I’m sorry but no…but you can stay with me and Lilly in our house.”
“You have your own house?”
“Yeah, well we live with each other because our mothers are pokemon professors in the Orange Islands and well our fathers work for this…great pokemon team but I cant remember the name”
“Cool I guess Ash and I are with you then.”
“Yup” they were now right outside their house.
“Do you wan’t to come in?”
“Yeah” they steped inside and Star started to make everyone lunch because Ash and Lilly were already thair.
“Star why don’t you and Richie come with me and Ash for ice cream tonight?”
“Um…Richie has to ask me out first them it’s a double date.”

An hour later…


“Star would you like to go on a double date with me Lilly and Ash?”
Star who was half asleep on the couch whirled around to see Richie on the other side of the couch.
“Yeah…I would like that”

?
 

Ash_Fan_#1

<We are unbeatable~*
Yay I like it good job. Why do you make ash sound like a moron he's never that nervous.
 

DarkPersian479

Well-Known Member
First, there are too many grammar errors to document them all. So, here's a sampler.

you have lived in cherry valley all your lives so are you ready for this.
"You" and "Cherry Valley" should be capitalized, this should end in a question mark.

Almost instantly Lilly and Star lunged for the window and yes they were their. The pokemon masters they had seen on T.V.

Change "their" to "there" and capitalize Pokemon.

“this is pikachu” Ash said with a smile.
Capitalize "This" and "Pikachu" and place a comma between Pikachu and the closing quotation marks.

When a new person speaks, you need a new paragraph. Aside from clothes, there is no description. This feels rushed, and I can't get into the character's personality, or this story.

Interesting note: Ash_Fan_#1 posted a story called "New Day's Arise" five minutes before you posted this, and that story also has girls named Star and Lilly, who wear identical outfits. Also noteworthy is that both stories feature Ash and Richie. Yet Ash_Fan_#1 gave an overall positive review, instead of accusing you of plagairism, which is what I would have done if someone had ripped my characters. Something smells fishy here...
 
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Divinity_123

shove 'er in! ;O
Not always, I read your fic and that old man Tommy or something had the same pokemon my character is going to have in a chapter. If I post a chapter about Houndour and Oddish persay, would that be fishy, and maybe plagerising or just plain ol' coincidence.

Double space dude. Just double space. I can't believe I'm saying this but, there isn't a whole lot of description. I mean, I'm being a hypocrite cause my fic doesn't have heavy description but this is just horrendous. I suggest you go and fix it up and read the Advice for Aspiring Authour's thread. It can really help you out.
 

DarkPersian479

Well-Known Member
Not always, I read your fic and that old man Tommy or something had the same pokemon my character is going to have in a chapter. If I post a chapter about Houndour and Oddish persay, would that be fishy, and maybe plagerising or just plain ol' coincidence.

The bit on plagairism is not based on that one factor alone. The two characters in question wear the EXACT same outfit and both fics include Ash and Richie as well. That is too similar to be mere coincidence.

Plagairism is not the issue here. I am suspecting that two accounts are owned by the same person here, considering the time frame in which the stories were posted, the similarity of the stories, and the positive review by Ash_Fan_#1 for the Shiny-Star-Vulpix piece. Read both stories before you make judgments, please.
 

Crazy_Crazy_Totdile

RoyalGlutius Maximus
For starters, '********' should never be in a fan fic.

Star and Lilly were on their way to professor Oak’s lab. Star was a beautiful girl who was wearing a dark blue T-shirt and light blue jeans. Lilly had on a red t-shirt and black jeans. rry but I will be more creative later).

Never. Ever. Say. That.

And, how did they walk? Did they jog? Did they skip? Did they crawl?
Is Star really beautiful? I doubt it for now, since you didn't bother to mention anything besides her clothing.
Same for Lilly.

There are too many gramatical errors. It was bland. It was boring.

Polish each chapter before you post it.
It was also WAY to short. Make each chapter around 5-7 pages, instead of 1/2 of a page. That was weak.

Sorry, but someone needed to be blunt here.
 
sorry

this is my first fan fic and i am not really good and at 1:00 am you dont really care about detail. as for ash fan 1 she is my best friend and no one ripped eneyone off so what we like ash and richie and our nicknames are star and lilly. We are alike in mind and give each other ideas so i am trying and my cpu is busted so i have to work at her house. # pages are very long to me because i dont type often and i DONT CARE ABOUT...DANG SPELLING ERRORS. HA IM NOT CAREING I SPENT LIKE 3 HOUSR SWITHING WITH LILLY TO GET THIS DONE! ok im sorry but this is harder that you think and i tried hard so dont count me out i will do better give me time
 

Dilasc

Boip!
this is my first fan fic and i am not really good and at 1:00 am you dont really care about detail. as for ash fan 1 she is my best friend and no one ripped eneyone off so what we like ash and richie and our nicknames are star and lilly. We are alike in mind and give each other ideas so i am trying and my cpu is busted so i have to work at her house. # pages are very long to me because i dont type often and i DONT CARE ABOUT...DANG SPELLING ERRORS. HA IM NOT CAREING I SPENT LIKE 3 HOUSR SWITHING WITH LILLY TO GET THIS DONE! ok im sorry but this is harder that you think and i tried hard so dont count me out i will do better give me time

This sums up your personalities, skills, and motivations to succeed all in one simple post. Well done, now please try putting an effort in next time.
 

Ash_Fan_#1

<We are unbeatable~*
this is my first fan fic and i am not really good and at 1:00 am you dont really care about detail. as for ash fan 1 she is my best friend and no one ripped eneyone off so what we like ash and richie and our nicknames are star and lilly. We are alike in mind and give each other ideas so i am trying and my cpu is busted so i have to work at her house. # pages are very long to me because i dont type often and i DONT CARE ABOUT...DANG SPELLING ERRORS. HA IM NOT CAREING I SPENT LIKE 3 HOUSR SWITHING WITH LILLY TO GET THIS DONE! ok im sorry but this is harder that you think and i tried hard so dont count me out i will do better give me time

she didn't rip me off. we created these stories as friends. If we didn't have eachother these stories wouldn't exist. I mean we go in some different directions like the way stuff happened and why but that's the creativity we show.
 
the first chapter is always boring. You have to tell about everyone this person is bla bla bla. What i wanted to do is go on and come up with a good reason that the boys are going with two girls who waited two extra years to go on a journey.
(by the way telling me this stinks wont help me very much.)
 

Divinity_123

shove 'er in! ;O
(by the way telling me this stinks wont help me very much.)

Êxcuses! Then do something to so it doesn't stink. I mean, c'mon!! You have to learn how to withstand critism. And if it's the truth, ppl aren,t gonna hide it from ya. If it stinks, well it stinks! Get off your butt and make it good! Now good luck with the rest of your fic.
 

DarkPersian479

Well-Known Member
Forget it. Between these posts and a rude PM, it's obvious she is not going to take advice from anybody. So, your wish is granted. This is the last time I will post regarding your story. I'll just leave you to the other, harsher reviewers. And if you don't want to clear up the confusion regarding you and Ash_Fan_#1 with a mod, then so be it.

Can't blame a guy for trying :\
 
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Yami Ryu

Well-Known Member
this is my first fan fic and i am not really good and at 1:00 am

God that is the most OVERUSED and LAME EXCUSE EVER.

http://serebiiforums.com/showthread.php?t=137467 <- my first chapter is TEN TIMES BETTER, :/ don't use that as an excuse. It's lame because you wanted it to be lame. It's lame and bad because you want it to be bad. You make up excuses to keep from getting better. AND DARKPERSIAN WHO IS NICE AND NOT A BLUNT AND RUDE REVIEWER LIKE I WAS SPURNED BECAUSE OHNOES-

He offered help to get better?

aren't you a little ray of let me wallow in my own filth of bad fanfics.

I suggest you READ Advice for Aspiring Authors, and put more damn effort into describing, length, characters and emotion. AND NOT BAD SCRIPTING.
 

Ash_Fan_#1

&lt;We are unbeatable~*
Give her a brake! noone is perfect
 
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(before you read anymore this story might contain PG13 content)

Chapter 2 A Thump In The Night


Later on that night Star, Lilly, Ash, and Richie were on their way to the ice cream parlor.

“I wouldn’t think of going anywhere without my little egg.” Star said as she pulled it close

“You got that right Star.” Lilly also had her egg in her backpack that she had put her favorite blanket in, just so it would stay warm.

Ash and Richie seemed really quiet.

“So guy’s sense you are great Pokemon trainers, why did you decide to travel to the Orange Islands with us.”

Richie was first to answer

“Well I guess I wanted to come with you girls because I can’t go to the next region until next year, I took too long in the Battle Frontier.”

“Ditto” came Ash’s reply

****

Later that night Star laid face first in her bed when she heard a loud bang from the kitchen.

“What was that.” Star said leaping out of bed.

“Dunno” Lilly said rubbing her eyes from the bed on the other side of the room.

Star left the room to see if the boys were ok but they weren’t their there.

Star herd a muffled scream from the kitchen. Star froze but just for a second.

She bolted out of the room, blasted through the hall, and down the stair’s.
To her horror a huge machine with a red letter R on it. It had Richie and Ash in two long robotic arms, and Lilly showed up behind her. Fury rose within Star, a fury she had never felt before.


“Let them go” Star screamed at the top of her voice. She charged at the mechanical menace


The thought of something happening to Richie or Ash was too much to take in. Instead Star’s head was all a blur.


Star stopped she had the common cense to know that there was no way she could take that thing on it was over twice her size.


From the side of her eye she could see Pikachu and Sparky.


“Pikachu, Sparky THUNDER!!!”

Almost instantly a large flash of lightning shot at the machine and it blasted off (Ash and Richie did not get hit)


“Thanks Girls”


Star was a little shocked as Richie gave her a hug but then hugged him back.


“Don’t thank me it was Pikachu and Sparky who did all the work.

Everyone patted the little Pikachu’s once or twice cense they were filled with gratitude.

“Look at this mess.”

Half the kitchen wall was blown off.


“Just be happy that it wasn’t Ash or Richie’s heads, Star.”


“Yeah but I am tired so I am off to bed as soon as I am done telling professor
what happened . Star grabbed the phone and dialed a few numbers and then started to explain why she was calling so late.
Everyone went to bed before Star that night.


The next morning…

“Lilly, Ash, Richie come down to the kitchen breakfast is done and I had the Professor fix the wall.”

As Ash Richie and Lilly came downstairs (Lilly still rubbing her eyes) Star turned around words them,


“I hope you like your eggs scrambled and your bacon fried, I also made pancakes.”


“Wow am I hungry.” Ash said admiring the buffet of food.

“Orange juice, eggs, bacon, sausages, wow and all on this table.”

Star placed a box of pokemon nuggets and gave some to Pikachu and Sparky.

“I know your all hungry so eat up, Professor Oak had breakfast with me after he fixed the wall.”

“How did he fix that in one night?” Lilly said ponderingly.

“He used a silent tool that put the back together in less than twenty minutes, but I barely seen anything because I was too busy.” Star answered.

“Hey I have a surprise, but I cant tell you till later guys so lets eat then I will tell you this afternoon.”

Before anyone could say anything Star was out the door.

“I wonder what she is talking about?” said Ash

Both Richie and Lilly said “Yeah.”



____________________________

I hope this is better for you.
Sorry I got angry but I am really trying.
 

Yami Ryu

Well-Known Member
Rushed, skimped and scripty. What did you do, write this up in the reply box after ignoring the advice given to you?

All I see would equal about three paragraphs or so, of undescribed crap. There is no excuse. Spacing it out does nothing to hide the fact you put no effort into describing ANY of the characters, the scenes, the pokemon, feelings or their enviroment. If ANYTHING it helps show the fact you did nothing to improve.

Get off your noobish pedastle and go read ADVICE FOR ASPIRING AUTHORS. Because seriously, this is scripty trite.
 
If you feal that way Yami thats your problem so go take care of your anger issues someware else and stop ignoring the fact that I dont care what you think.!
 

Yami Ryu

Well-Known Member
If you feal that way Yami thats your problem so go take care of your anger issues someware else and stop ignoring the fact that I dont care what you think.!

Oh then guess you want to have a mod close your thread~

THE BASICS

-----------------------------------------------------------------

As I have read the various works posted on this board, I have noticed many of the same problems over and over. Here are some general guidelines to follow when writing your fics:

1) Proper Use of the Keyboard.
There are several useful keys on the keyboard:

Enter/Return: This is one of the most useful keys. Use it whenever you have finished with one idea and are ready to move on to the next paragraph. Use it when one person has finished speaking, and another is about to start. When doing so, hit it twice, to produce a blank line between paragraphs. This makes it a lot easier for your readers to tell where your paragraphs start and end. Large blocks of uninterrupted text are hard to read.

Shift: Another important key. Hold it down when typing the first letter of a sentence, the first letter of a name, or the letter 'I' when using it as the first person singular subject pronoun.

Caps Lock: Often used as a substitute for the 'Shift' key. Don't do it. Text should not be in all capital letters unless someone is SHOUTING!

The Spacebar: Hit it once after every word or comma, twice after a period.

Tab: Unfortunately, this does not work to indent paragraphs on these boards. This is why a blank line between paragraphs is essential.

Other Keys: Your keyboard, unless it is defective, comes with a full complement of letters. Don't be afraid to use them. There is no reason to type 'u' instead of 'you', or indeed to use any abbreviation you learned in a chat room. There is no penalty for taking a few seconds longer to type complete words.

--------------------------------

2) Tips on Composition.

Paragraphs: Use these as your basic unit of composition. Each paragraph should be used to set forth a single idea. If a paragraph seems to long, it probably contains multiple ideas, and should be split up for clarity. If it seems too short, expand on the idea.

Sentences: A sentence should contain exactly one action or statement of existence. If it contains more than one, split it into two or more. If it contains less than one, finish the sentence. Run-on sentences are often confusing, while fragments make the reader feel that something is missing.

Description: Make sure that your reader can visualize what is happening. Don't just say something like "Joe walked along enjoying the scenery". This gives no indication of whether the scenery he is enjoying is a redwood forest, a beach at sunset, or the Grand Canyon.

A description is not just a list of attributes. When describing a character, don't just list their name, age, height, weight, hair colour, and current pokemon team. Bring this information out gradually when the person appears in a story.

Don't have Joe meet a trainer named Fred who is 12 years old, has green eyes and red hair, is three and a half feet tall, and whose pokemon are squirtle, pikachu, butterfree, grimer, tauros, and krabby. Have Joe see a short, red-haired kid with startlingly green eyes, and talk to him. Have names mentioned early in the conversation. The pokemon may be either revealed in a battle, or introduced individually during the conversation.

-------------------------------

3) Other General Advice

Plot: Try to be original. "Joe is 10 (or 11 or 12) years old and about to start his pokemon journey. He goes to Professor (insert tree here) and gets a (insert pokemon here)" has been done too many times already. "Joe is a 10-year-old from Pallet Town and about to start his pokemon journey. He accidentally sleeps in, and by the time he gets to Professor Oak's lab, all the starters have been taken, so he gets a Pikachu" is so old everyone is sick of it.

Try to be reasonable. A new trainer is not going to start with a legendary, or even rare, pokemon. The standard starter pokemon were selected for a reason: They are easy for professors to obtain whenever new trainers are about to start, they can be controlled by beginners, and with proper training, they can become quite powerful.

Likewise, it is extremely difficult, if not impossible, to catch any of the legendary pokemon. They are simply too powerful. If you have seen either of the movies, think about it. Mew or Mewtwo can deflect any attack you try with minimal effort.

Consider the scene in The Power of One where Ash's Pikachu (which has been known to defeat rock and ground types) meets Zapdos. Compare their relative power levels. Now think about how hard it would be to defeat Zapdos. This can be applied to any of the legendary pokemon. No trainer will have one unless it has a good reason to want to accompany that trainer.

Characters: Make your characters real. Give them strengths and weaknesses. Inherently superior trainers who win each battle effortlessly are boring. So are incompetent members of Team Rocket. So is the gym-leader-who-can't-stand-being-defeated. The stock "Rival" character is also getting old.

Whatever you do, don't just refer to people by labels from the GameBoy games (Rocket, Cooltrainer, Lass, Bug Catcher, etc). Remember that these are real people you are working with.

Spelling/Grammar: Write your story in a word-processing program. Use the spellchecker, but don't depend on it completely. It can tell whether your word matches the spelling of a real word, but it cannot tell whether it is the word you wanted to use.

Use grammar checkers with extreme care. They cannot actually understand what you are saying, and often make mistakes.

--------------------------------

4) My Personal Advice:

Note that the contents of this section reflect my personal preferences. Other good writers may disagree with me.

Battles: I generally dislike sentences of the form "(pokemon species) used (name of attack)". You are describing what the pokemon does. In a real-world battle, the pokemon would not "use Bite on" its opponent; it would "bite" its opponent. There are, however, exceptions to this. If there is no verb for the action, go ahead and say "Bulbasaur used Leech Seed". Still, try to avoid "used (name of attack)". Better options would be "fired a hyperbeam at (enemy)", "hit (enemy) with (attack)", etc.

Additionally; the GameBoy battle format makes no sense in the context of a real battle. A pokemon in a real battle would not just attack, then stand there waiting for its opponent to attack. In a real battle, you would have no time to go in and administer a potion or antidote to your pokemon. Watch the TV show for a reasonable depiction of what battles would be like.

GameBoy Terminology in general: Try to avoid it. In the real world, referring to something as "Level 17" is meaningless. Pokemon have varying levels of power and experience, but don't just summarize all of this with a single number. In the world of your fanfic, pokemon are real, living creatures. They are individuals. They have their own strengths, weaknesses, and skills.

The only thing worse than referring to "levels" is referring to "hit points", "power points", or any of the "statistics" (attack, defence, "special defence", etc). Avoid use of these terms at all costs.

-Original text by Murgatroyd

Read this and the rest of the advice. Because seriously, if it's writing for fun, then don't post it. Because you're wasting space here, honestly, we don't need more people wanting to be blind and stuck in their pit of bad writing. We have enough of them :/
 
close it then i want you to yami ryu go straight ahed too bad not all people can be like you and by that i mean a harraser and i dont care if i spell things wrong.:) :/
 
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